CHAPTER FOUR
Two days straight of crying, sleeping, and more crying. I really felt like I was losing it. The confusion had just pent up so strongly, and masked by the total denial, it came out quite badly. My dorm room was in darkness for those two days, and the only time I left my bed was either to eat or take a piss. Good thing I had some food in my room or I would of starved. I would get calls and not answer them, even a couple worried knocks, but I wasn't able to face anyone. I couldn't pretend that I was ok, or even muster a fake smile. I was down, really down. It's difficult to explain. I really didn't think about anything, but I was so emotionally drained, that my physical being to take on some of the pain from within. If that makes any sense at all.
On the second night of this episode (still never understood what to call it.), the pain was replaced by sheer anger. I was livid, I mean I started punching my bed, throwing pillows and stuff, yelling profanities, slamming doors until I picked up one of my plates and smashed it. Then the crying started again.
I then heard banging on the bog door. It was Matt. "Jared, are you okay?." I didn't respond. "Come on Jared, let me in. I am really started to get scared." Again, nothing. "I will break down this door if I have to." With that, I reached for the lock and sat on the floor, in and amongst the shattered glass.
"Jared are you hurt."
I nodded a no
"Look at the glass everywhere. Let me clean it up. Here, come on, get back into bed buddy" Matt did what he said, he got me into bed and cleaned the glass. 20 minutes after he finished and tried to do a little cleaning, or at least something while he thought, he jumped into my bed and held me. He was fully clothed, just being there for support. He just held me. I was crying the hardest then. He just held me. I mean single dorm room beds are so small, but the way he spooned me, it didn't matter. Whether it was exhaustion taking over, or I had cried myself out, I stopped crying. I didn't feel anger, or felt confused. All I felt was safe. For the first time in a long time, I felt safe, and within minutes, I drifted asleep.
I woke up and realised that it was the first time I had slept through the night since the first kiss. I was still confused and in emotional peril, but then as I realized where I was, I felt the arm around my waist. It was a strong arm, had me held tight and secure, and I knew who it was. I couldn't really remember much of the events of the previous nights (my doctor said, when the mind goes through emotional trauma, temporary memory loss of events can take place.) but I knew it was Matt. I could just feel it in my system.
He must of sensed that I was up, but I think I woke him up as well. "Hey" He replied groggily, "How are you doing Big Guy." `Big Guy?' I thought.
" I am a little shaky, and a little out of it." I stumbled out.
" Are you ok, we can go to Outpatients if you're not." He said worried
"No, I'll be ok" "We'll you're going to the on-campus doctor tomorrow when it opens, as it is not open today, and you're not getting rid of me today at all." Wow, Matt was quite forceful.
"Why Matt? Why do you care so much?"
"Because I love you."
"See I don't understand why? I have been pushing you away, tried to keep our bog mates relationship quite superficial, you really don't know that much about me, why do you love me"
"I know more than you think. I see you volunteering your time with the literacy campaign and the cub scouts. I know you tutor some of the students in Calculus. I hear some of the phone conversations through the wall to your parents. I know you may not have a lot of money, but you have the most important part, heart. Your laugh, which doesn't happen very much is infectious. I mean its distinct, but makes me want to giggle as well. You are caring, very smart, well-dressed and have quite a nice butt." as he slapped my butt. "I know you are very confused, but it still doesn't change who you are. I am sure Mother Teresa had a bad week."
"Matt, but why would you try to help me."
"You don't just get it. I dated this guy for a couple years in high school, and I thought I was in love, it felt that way. One day I caught him sucking off another guy. I thought it was the worst day in my life. It happened two months before I came here, and I knew that I let him do it to me. I really didn't say much to him about it at all. I just left and never saw him again. Anyway, when I met you that first day, there was something about you that appealed to me. Then I felt it, day by day by day, this bond, it was so much stronger than how I ever felt about him. I was confident that you were straight. Not wanting to be with anyone else, I went to hang out with the football guys. Hence the drinking and the cheap chicks. If you ever rejected me and outted me if I would of cmae out to you, or if any of the football guys suspected or found out I was gay, there would be a lot of shit coming my way and I know that I would not be strong enough to deal with it alone."
"So what made you kiss me."
"I saw it in your eyes. As much as you protested it in your words, you eyes wanted it. I know you think your lost and lower than youve ever felt before. I know hats how I felt before I came to the decision I was gay , but let me say this to you. Jared, you are great, just the way you are."
"I am not sure who that is anymore."
"I will help you find him."
"What if you don't like me when I discover that?"
"Perceptions change, people don't."
"Do you know why this is so hard for me? I think I really like you too. It may be love, I am so fucked up right now to know, but its possible. "
"Why is that so hard Jared."
"Because now I have to choose. Nothing can ever be the same anymore. IF I choose to admit to myself, my attraction to you automatically people hate me. They haven't met me, but they hate me. Some so bad it scares me. As much as I am close with my family, they would never approve of me being with another dude. They are religious and are quite anti-gay. It goes with the whole small town mentality. I really don't know if I can give them up though. They are a piece of me." Matt started to frown.
" However, if I choose to not see you, I would have to transfer schools, as it would be to hard to see you daily. I would break you're heart, but a piece of me would die as well. I probably would have regrets for the rest of my life, and think what if?" A smirk came across his face.
"It's like facing a fork in the road, no matter what I decide, I change the direction I was going. Nothing can ever be the same again, and that's scary."
"You don't have to face it alone though."
For the first time, and surprising to myself I kissed him. I kissed him like there would no tomorrow, and he returned the favour. At first, it was sensual, but I longed for more and it was lustful. I was exploring his chest with my hands, while he caressed my back, I then move down and kissed the small of his neck, and he just breathed quite heavy. He was getting into this as much as I was. My hand explored his body, like they could get enough. They finally reached the zipper in his blue jeans, and as I started to slowly zip down, he pulled away.
"Wait, we've got to stop. As much as I am liking this, as you can see ( as he pointed towards the hard bulge in his pants) this isn't right."
"Don't you want this." I felt really rejected
" I do, but I want you to want this as much to. I want you for more than sex, and personally as much as your body is ready, your mind is not there, and the first time we make love, I want it to be special." He faintly kissed me on the nose, and I smiled.
"Will you at least stay in bed with me and cuddle." Cuddle, did I use just use the word cuddle.
"Sure. I'd love to."
I stripped down to my Tommy Boxers, and he was in his Joe Boxers Happy Face ones, and snuggled. I felt his wood poking at my ass, and as much as I wanted some action, this was probably the best I could of felt at the time. I knew a decision was in my horizon, but for the moment, I let it be, and basked in the strong arms of my newfound protector.
We lied there for hours, just talking. He was talking about the poor, distant, almost negligent relationship with his parents. His mom never around his dad ran out on them when he was three, and I talked about like in Atlantic Canada. Around supper we realized we both hadn't ate, so we ordered a pizza, talked some more about our lives, and then went to bed. We then fell asleep to some of the best sleep in our lives.