Turnabout

[Disclaimer: This is a work of fiction. Any similarities between actual events and the events in this story or the characters in this story are purely coincidental. This story involves descriptions of unsafe sexual acts between men for the purpose of erotic fantasy and is not intended to condone such acts. If you are underage or homoerotic material is otherwise illegal in your area, please do not continue. Author retains copyright; do not duplicate this story without express written consent by the author. Comments and suggestions are welcomed at lopezbos@yahoo.com]

TURNABOUT - PART 4

Wednesday arrived too soon for me. The moment the alarm went off the first thing that went through my head was Donny. Today was the day I'd promised him we'd meet again, this time at my place. Memories of the day before with Toby rushed in, making me feel a tingling in my groin and a stabbing in my gut, the former was recalling the unbridled sex, the latter the guilt.

I knew I had three options: First, choose one, let the other go. Second, choose both, and only Toby would know the truth, and third, choose neither and let them both go. I was leaning for option one, choose one. I seriously doubted that I could let both of them go, and the second option felt a little scummy. Maybe if I modified it a little to let Donny know, but then, I'd have to admit that I didn't last long as `one-and-only' and he'd have every right and reason to tell me to go pound sand, so I'd be back to option one anyway. But what if I wanted to choose Donny? Confession would pretty much take that option off the table. I could eventually mention Toby to Donny if it had been an old friend reunion thing that wasn't likely to repeat, but Toby had (as always) changed the rules.

On the one hand I had committed myself to Donny, but on the other I'd had a tacit agreement with Toby long before Donny. Did the original unspoken agreement with Toby actually supercede the agreement with Donny? Would I have made the agreement with Donny had I known Toby was in the picture again? This line of reasoning was getting too legalese, and didn't feel right. A part of me found that amusing since I had to do some serious rationalizations to justify either guy in the context of being a married guy in the first place. I'd spent years practicing that one.

Back to my first option. Physically, they were pretty much hotter and sexier than a guy like me had any right to ever hope for, much less have. Attitude-wise both had very enticing aspects: Donny his raw energy and lust combined with his naiveté, made him exceptionally hot, his butt-buster equipment aside. Toby had his creative and very aggressive streak that got my motor running just thinking about it. Toby was a known commodity, Donny was not. My gut told me that Donny was for real though, and likewise, that Toby was very apt to fool around on me regardless of any one-and-only business. He'd more than likely get me involved in a threesome or foursome, and that wasn't at all a showstopper. I could see myself exploring my own limits with either of them.

Whatever I decided, I knew that I couldn't drag it out. Both of them deserved to know where I stood. I knew that facing Donny today would be the hardest of all, particularly if I hadn't made up my mind about what to do. I went about my morning routines in a haze, letting my mind wander down all sorts of avenues. By the time I reached my office, I was hard pressed to remember what I was wearing without looking down.

At ten in the morning, my cell phone rang. I checked the ID; it was Donny. I answered quickly, getting up to shut my office door in the process.

"Hey," he said casually.

"Hey," I replied, "we're still on for today, right?" Again my mouth ran ahead of me.

"Counting on it. Three o'clock, your place. You want to tell me how to get there?"

I went through the directions with him, instructing him to park down the block and walk up to the house since my neighbors would question a strange car in the driveway. He chuckled as I gave him instructions. "Should we use a password?" He asked laughing, "like `the fox needs the hare.'"

"Very funny. For your information, I have used passwords when I'm meeting someone in a public place just to be sure it was the right guy, smartass."

"Man, it's like you're the Man from U.N.C.L.E."

"You're too young to know that show. Stop it."

"It's on cable, pops, how else could us young'ns keep up?"

My brain flashed at the fact that I was nearly as comfortable with this guy as any guy I'd ever known, including Toby. There was an underlying sexual tension, but a strange in-between feeling of having an intimate best-bud that got your jokes and winked. My phone beeped, and a quick glance showed that Toby was calling in. I excused myself with Donny and took Toby's call.

"You talk to the stud yet?" He said as greeting.

"I was just talking to him when you called," I confessed.

"How'd he take it?" Toby seemed oblivious to my quandary, but then, I'd led him to believe that he and I were a done deal, all that was left was to inform Donny.

"I didn't talk to him about it. He's coming over later, I want to talk to him in person."

"Always doing the right thing, dipshit." He laughed, but I didn't. I wasn't sure there was a right thing' in this instance. Too much analysis down that road would inevitably lead to the much bigger right thing' that I conveniently pushed to the side of the room and ignored, like all married guys that engage in extracurricular activities. Three weeks ago a situation like this would have seemed totally absurd. In a short time I'd gone from contemplating whether I could actually get to like Loser Larry that lived in his mother's basement to pondering which hot, muscled, sex-machine I would choose to commit to. Kinda made me feel a little nostalgic for the simpler Loser Larry days.

At two-thirty, I packed my stuff and headed home. I usually worked from home on Wednesdays, so it wasn't an exceptional event. Going two miles out of my way to a drug store I never frequented to buy condoms and lube was different though. Along the way I swung between talking to Donny first and facing the music, or using the supplies first then talking to him. My dick voiced his opinion of course. I'd play it by ear, since my head was long accustomed to listening to the Little Guy since he got his way more often than not.

I wasn't at the house ten minutes when the doorbell rang. My heart skipped a beat; this was it. I'd have to decide what the hell to do in the next few seconds, and I hadn't come to a single conclusion. I answered the door a little distractedly, and the sight of Donny in his tight jeans and plaid workshirt open to reveal a tight white t-shirt brought me back to reality fast. He looked like a model, and any neighbor who saw him approach would certainly remember a handsome guy sauntering up my walk. I should have made him park in the driveway and claim a broken pipe.

I ushered him inside, and he thrust his hands into his pockets, looking around. "Nice place," he said nodding appreciatively. "Great area too. How long you been here?"

"About seven years now. We bought it when it was a new development. It was very different then, no trees, no lawns, and big tracts without a house. Now it's sort of Generica, unfortunately. I like your neck of the woods better."

We chatted like that for several minutes, standing awkwardly in the foyer. I realized that I had been pretty rude, and offered him a quick tour of the downstairs. He followed me around, hands still in his pockets, nodding as we went. His eyes found the family pictures, and I saw a flash of guilt cross his face. He had similar pictures in his house, and seeing mine brought this little surreal escapade into the very real world. There were other players in this game, whether they knew it or not. I'd come to terms with that reality a while ago, but I remembered well how difficult it was, and still could be.

I led him to my office over the garage. Like his `private space' this was apart from the house, yet part of it. My trusty woodstove dominated the back wall, and my desk and shelves crowded the vertical walls at each gable. Skylights illuminated the room and provided views without compromising privacy. Long ago I'd adopted an old futon for the office so I could stretch out and work comfortably, sometimes even napping during long sessions on those killer projects. In the back of my mind, I'd always fantasized about actually opening the futon and using it as a bed, but not for sleeping.

"The Inner Sanctum." Donny intoned. He ran his hand over the back of my leather chair. I looked around the room with new eyes. Unlike Donny's orderly garage, my office was a mess. Books teetered in piles in a corner, and little stacks of paperwork dotted the shelves. My desk, however, was the worst. Notes to myself scattered over the top, pens and pencils perched on keyboards (three of them) and on screens (two of those), and a stack of manuals I'd been using lay half open and disorganized in a corner. My credenza served as a second desktop, equally cluttered. Donny sat in my chair and turned slowly around full circle.

"It's just like you," he observed, "Four or five projects, all laid out, barely touching."

I had to smile at this, since I'd made a similar observation in his `inner space.' He was right, although I'd never thought of it. I knew where everything was of course, and I could reach everything by swiveling around to the right position. I could work multiple tasks without having to reorganize my space just by turning. My life was a lot like that, unified and compartmentalized, apparently chaotic, yet deeply organized.

"What if I put this here?" Donny took a manual from behind a keyboard and went for the credenza. I almost leapt at it.

"No, don't do that," I said quickly, "those go over here, with the reference stuff there. I'm working on synchronizing them, see?"

Donny laughed, "just like you man, don't mess with the mess." He shook his head, and I was reminded of the day before. What I needed to do became clearer in my head, and I took a seat on the futon. Donny followed me with his eyes. "Are we going to play doctor?" He took a pad off the desk and plucked a pencil from the nearest keyboard, then leaned back into the chair, crossing his long legs. "Now tell me, vaht is it that bothers you, eh?" His German accent was terrible, but funny nonetheless.

I stretched out on the futon, putting my head on the armrest. I crossed my hands on my chest. This was as good a way as any. "I'm conflicted," I began, letting my voice stay playful, even as the words that came out were deadly serious. "I've made promises that I don't keep." I said slowly.

"Ah." Donny said from across the room. I was glad I couldn't see his face. "So you are feeling guilty then," he said, dropping the accent, but staying casual. Did he understand what I was saying?

"Yes," I replied, "I've painted myself into a corner."

"And how do you propose to get out?"

"I don't know, that's why I'm here," I said, playing along and also legitimately looking for an answer, even from myself.

"Honesty is not an option," he said, "it causes pain and serves no purpose."

I nodded, "but it may be my only recourse here. I can't maintain the status quo, and I can't move forward." I dimly realized that we were talking at cross purposes. This was territory I did not want to re-visit, particularly now. I sat up abruptly. "Donny," I started, looking him in the eye, "I need to tell you about someone."

Donny put down the pad and pencil, and I could see the confusion in his face. He had no idea whatsoever where this was going, which was a good thing and a bad thing. "OK," he said, leaning forward.

I cleared my throat, and resisted the urge to look down, holding his gaze instead. "A few years ago I had a good friend, a buddy. His name is Toby."

Donny nodded.

"Toby and I were steady buddies. We met when we were both starting to explore this aspect of ourselves."

"Was he your first?"

I thought for a minute before answering. The question of my first' wasn't entirely clear in my mind. It sounds nuts, but my unofficial first' was a guy I met on a hookup that went way further than I had anticipated. I was not exactly a willing participant, although I appreciated his consideration in putting a condom on me before straddling my cock. At the first penetration I had a near nervous-breakdown and ran for the door. I don't actually count that as a first. "Yes," I replied, preferring the abridged version, "we were each others' firsts. And it took a long time to get there for both of us."

"Am I gonna like this story?" Donny raised an eyebrow.

"No," I admitted, "I doubt it, but let me tell it anyway." He nodded, and I continued: "At the beginning, Toby and I played often, a couple of times a week. When the novelty wore off and real life needed our attention, we saw each other once or twice a month, or whenever we could. But we stayed in contact almost every day. Remember how you told me that you wanted to be friends on the `outside'?"

Donny nodded again, "Is that why you have the rule?"

It was my turn to nod, "Yeah, it is. See, I wanted that with Toby, but things didn't quite work out."

"He dumped you?"

I shook my head, smiling a little, "no, not exactly. He got transferred to the Midwest. At the time, I thought it was just the breaks, that I'd just find another steady guy. But I didn't, and instead I took a long break from everything. No chatting, no hunting, no nothing. I didn't realize it then, but I needed time to get over what happened. I blamed my mood on work stress, and that was pretty reasonable. But I was this close to crossing that line, and if I had, nothing would have changed, but you can bet your ass the reason for my depression would have been pretty damned clear to anyone who had a brain cell." I was getting off track, but I needed to lay some ground here. I'd never admitted to anyone that I'd been in a pretty bad mood for months after Toby left, not even Toby.

Donny nodded, "I understand, goes back to being careful. I know all that, and I agreed to it."

"That's not part of the story though," I said, hoping to get back to the main point. "There was a sort of click between us that I'd given up on ever finding." I stared into his eyes, and I knew I had to be honest now or never, "until I met you, in person."

Donny smiled self-consciously. "You mean it's not like this with most guys?"

I wasn't sure if he was pulling my leg or being sincere. I knew that despite his tales of complete innocence, he had several login names and had been on line as long as I had, so I wasn't likely his first living male contact. I could buy that I was his first major sexual partner, but with that body, and that cock, he'd had more than one guy naked and trying to swallow the sword. But again, the conversation was getting off track, so I ventured on. "No, just with you^Å and Toby."

Donny nodded appreciatively. "I like this story, but I'm thinking this isn't the happy ending part. You look like you're gonna shit a brick right now."

I laughed, despite what I knew had to come next. "Yeah, sorta feels like that." I looked him straight in the eye, and both our smiles faded fast. "Toby's moving back," I said flatly. The brick was out, and it didn't feel better.

Donny sat back, his face expressionless for a moment as he processed what I'd just unloaded on him. He steepled his fingers, long and masculine, and stared over my head. The silence hung in the room, and I watched him intently. "OK," he said at last, "where does that leave us?"

This was the question I was dreading, because I didn't have an answer. I looked at the carpet, trying not to see him, not to let his presence cloud my mind. "I don't know," I said honestly. I mentally crossed my fingers, hoping he wouldn't ask the question that I would right now.

"Have you seen him?" And that was it.

I took a deep breath, and looked back at his face. He was stern, focused, intense. I could lie and make this go away for now, or I could be honest and risk this guy getting really pissed. "Yes," I replied. If I'd tried to lie, it would have been transparent. Again, I hoped that he wouldn't ask me the next logical question, but then if he didn't, would he assume I'd slept with Toby?

"What does he want you to do?" This wasn't the question I expected, and it caught me off guard.

"He wants to pick up where we left off." In for a penny, I thought to myself.

"And are you going to do that?" He was softening up, but the intensity was still there, just under the veneer of calm.

"I made a promise to you," I started, letting my thought process go vocal.

He interrupted me, "Yeah, well, you're not good at keeping promises." His voice was bitter, although he smiled through it. He knew.

"No, I guess I'm not. In a lot of aspects." The big rationalization materialized in the room, and I could see that Donny saw it too. Neither of us could really point a finger when it came to fidelity. "But that's not relevant right now. I did what I promised I'd do, all the accounts are gone, all the ads withdrawn. I'm ready for one guy."

"You just can't decide which one, can you?" The bitterness was there, not even masked with a smile. I couldn't blame him, this sucked in all respects. I was being a colossal prick right now. Maybe I should have kept the Toby thing quiet until I decided, but then, would Donny ever really be the kind of intimate that we both wanted?

"It's not quite that simple. Toby knows about you, and^Å"

"And I know full well who he is. I talked to him a while back. He called himself Randy or something like that on line, and he told me his name was really Toby. I remember because I thought Randy suited him better. We chatted a bit, he mentioned you, although I didn't know it was you until just now. He was trying to hook up with me." The last part sounded like an afterthought, and his face showed that he regretted it.

"I know Toby was looking for other guys. We didn't have that kind of relationship. I was too, although not too actively. We were both exploring."

"And now you're not?"

"I didn't know how I felt until he left, and I sure as hell never told him. He never told me either. I thought that it was done, that we were just friends. I was cool with that. I never thought he'd move back."

Donny leaned way back and exhaled. "Fuck," he said more to himself that to me. His body language told me that he saw himself as the odd man out.

"Donny, I'm not sure what I want to do." It was lame, but truthful. Even if he weren't sitting in front of me, I'd feel that connection with him. It was weird that a guy that I'd known all of five or six hours in person would cause me so much angst. "I wanted to be fair to you, to tell you where I was."

This wasn't the right thing to say. He went from introspective to pissed in nothing flat. He leaned forward so quickly that I backed up instinctively. His hands were clasped together, knuckles white. "Don't be mister fucking righteous here. If you wanted to be fair to me, you wouldn't have slept with him. I understand if you have feelings for this guy, you have a history with him. But don't try to make it sound like telling me about him makes fucking with him all better. If you want to be with him, then fucking be with him, don't lay this shit on me like you're doing the right thing telling me. Doing the right thing would have been NOT going to bed with him, not just telling me about it."

It was my turn to get a little pissed, although he'd hit it right on. "Look, I agreed to meet him because I thought he was in town for a couple of days on business. I didn't meet him thinking about sleeping with him." What the hell, he was right on the money, there was no sense denying I'd done the deed with Toby at this point. "I didn't expect it to turn out like that, neither did he. He didn't even tell me about moving back until afterwards."

"Don't bullshit me. You agreed to meet with a guy you'd played with, and what, you'd talk about the weather?"

"I thought he was with a guy, I really didn't expect anything other than lunch and catching up. Honestly."

"'No more hunting' you said, but I guess you didn't hunt, you were hunted." He started to get up, the color rising in his face.

"Donny, don't," I started, "Come on, don't."

"Fuck you," he said angrily, "fuck you and the horse you rode in on. I should have known better, I should have known a guy like you can't keep his dick in his pants for anything. You know, for the first time I'm actually glad you didn't fuck me, because that would really suck right now. At least I'm coming out of this without having been used." He made for the door in two broad steps. I followed him, wanting to stop him, and somewhat afraid of him. We were, after all, in my house.

"Used? Are you for real? Is that what you think?" I was getting pissed, but it was tempered by the fact that I really had been a total ass. "Donny, I meant what I said to you last week," I managed. It sounded stupid even to me.

He turned to me at the bottom of the stairs, his eyes flashing. "What exactly does that mean? That you meant you wanted one guy or that you wanted one guy until a better one came along?" He was breathing heavily, and his hands grabbed the banisters so tightly the veins in his forearms rose up.

"I meant what I said to you. I have no intention of looking for another guy. And for the record, Toby is not `better' than you."

I was hoping he'd relax, but he didn't. "I'm not going to beg for your attention. Toby or Randy or whatever he's calling himself today, has a claim on you, even if you're not admitting it to yourself. I'm not going to play second string to him. I don't see you telling him that you're not going to `pick it up where you left off' any time soon."

I grunted and smiled. "That's pretty much what he told me too. He said that if I was serious about you, I should leave."

"Was this before or after you fucked?" The rage was still very much there, but it was a real question, not a sarcastic one.

"After," I admitted, then hastily added, "when he told me he was moving back. Look, I admit, it was a shitty thing to do to sleep with him, but I thought it was just a one-time old-friend thing."

"Did you leave?"

"Leave what?"

"Did you leave when he said that? Did you leave or go back to bed?"

My jaw opened a little as my mind churned on that question. I had left, despite the fact that we could have spent the afternoon together. But did I leave because of the situation with Toby or did I leave because of the situation with Donny?

"I left," I said, but the question in my mind needed an answer.

Donny relaxed a little, but didn't release the banisters. He looked up the stairs at me, again the almost painful intensity in his eyes. He stared at me, measuring his words: "So I guess the question for me is whether or not I want to hang around." He stared through me, his words more for him than for me. "Whether I should just treat you like any other cock on the internet, or walk away right now."

My magical mouth again moved of it's own accord. "I can tell you that from experience, walking away is the best option. Before you get invested. I'm a prick, Donny, I'm sorry." I wanted to take him up on the idea of being just buddies, to give me the time to figure out what the hell to do. Instead, I'd said what was right. Fucking mouth.

"Right answer," he said relaxing more. "And for the record, I am invested. I know we don't have a long history, and we're in different places in `exploration' as you call it, but I am invested. Enough to wait it out for now. But two things."

My mouth hung open, and my estimation of Donny rose by several notches. A few seconds ago I thought he was going to throw a punch my way, and I'd deserve it. He was walking out, and again, I deserved that. Did he just say he'd wait it out? Right now, he could ask me to set my ass on fire and run down the street and I'd likely do it.

"First, no more mattress mambo with Toby."

I nodded. "He's back home," I said stupidly. The unspoken part of that answer was that I wasn't sure I could keep that promise when he was in town.

"Yeah, well, that makes it easier for now, but let me add one more condition then: You need to make up your mind before he comes back. And you need to tell him before he moves."

"That's a given," I said. "This isn't about making up my mind anyway. I don't know what it's about."

"You don't, but I do, and yeah, it's about choosing. But that's not the issue." He took two steps up the stairs, then motioned me to go up. I went back into the office and he followed. "Does he know you're undecided?"

I plunked down on the futon, emotionally drained. "I wish you'd stop making this sound like an auction. But the answer is no, he's taking it for a done deal. Look, we didn't know how we felt about each other until now. I thought I had strong feelings and he was just casual, and he thought the same about me. I didn't stick around to hash out what I was going to do next."

"OK, fourth condition then, you tell him how you feel right now." Donny sat back on the chair and rolled it towards the futon, our knees almost touching. "You call or e-mail him tonight and tell him. You were honest with me, now be honest with him. You don't have the market on doing the right thing here, and I'll hold you to it."

I nodded. "I've lost track. First you want me to abstain from Toby, which is a done deal. Second you want me to resolve this before he moves."

"Third you tell him now you're undecided."

"Conflicted."

"Bullshit, but he'll probably know it's bullshit too. Give it whatever word you want to make yourself feel better, but let him know. Blind copy me on the message, or carbon copy me, I don't care. But do it."

"So what's the fourth thing?"

Donny leaned towards me, putting his hands on my legs. I started to back up, and he grabbed the back of my neck and pulled me towards him, and our lips met gently. The tension drained from me like ice melting, from the head down. He broke the kiss and looked straight into my eyes. "And forth, we make some of our own history. I'll say it, even if you don't like it: I'm competing against Toby, and I intend to win. I will ask you to choose, and you will eventually choose, but I want a chance for you to get to know me like you know him. If you end up choosing him, well, sucks to be me, but I'll know I tried. Forget what I said before, I am going to compete for your attention, but I've never played second string, and I'm not starting now."

I thought this guy couldn't surprise me, that he was a simple guy, fucked up like all bi closeted married guys, internally conflicted, fighting the constant battle with guilt and self-doubt. But he was showing me he wasn't so simple. He pulled me back into the kiss, and I eagerly embraced it. Everything logical told me that this shouldn't be happening, that he should be double-timing it to his car, hating me for being such a fuck-up, and packing some nice heavy bags for the next guy he meets. Instead he was pulling me even closer, our legs intertwining between us as chest meets chest.

I came up for air and pulled him into a bear hug. I don't know if he could tell the difference between a I wanna fuck' bear hug or the you're my best buddy' bear hug, but it was the latter. We stood together, joined at the lips, as our shirts came off. This was different. It wasn't the animal lust I'd felt in the woods and in the tub, this was genuine affection, a feeling of wanting to be with him because he was a good guy, not because he had a virgin ass and a body you could bounce quarters off of. He could look like Loser Larry right now and I'd still be holding him this tightly.

Donny's movements mirrored mine, a hunger to be with the person, not the body. The groping was absent, but the fierce grappling was there. I wanted to say the four letter word, because I felt it now, but I knew that I felt it with Toby too, and if I said it now, it would be exactly the wrong thing to say. Was I that much of a prick that I loved the one I was with? I decided that I'd table all the introspective analysis for now and focus on the moment, or more accurately, allow myself to get lost in the moment.

I don't know the sequence of events or the logistics, but we stretched out naked on the futon, our bodies intertwined in every place possible. We had barely broken the kiss during the whole time, and now, with our bodies responding to each other, the sexual lust filtered into the contact. The strong emotions we'd both been through were now playing out physically. I felt his strong hands wrap around my back and pull, grinding me into him. I responded in kind, not wanting to let him go, no wanting to ever let him go. The need for his contact now preeminent in my mind. My body became the spokesman for me. I wanted him.

He put one hand on my back, splaying his fingers out, and the other on my ass, pulling me into him. I could feel his mighty member squeezed between us, leaking out pre cum that made our contact slick and hot. In a quick move he turned me, and I followed the momentum until I was on top of him, my cock painfully pinned beside his. We ground our hips together, my mind focused not on the next step, but on the moment, the feel of his sinewy body under me, the hard tips of his nipples on my chest, the heat of his hands and mouth. He moved under me, and my cock sprang free between his legs. For a split second I realized what was happening, then returned to my sensory paradise, reveling in feeling his muscles flex and strain under my weight, and tracing the lines on his sides where the ripped body folded and buckled on itself, the pure art of the masculine form.

My cock nestled between his cheeks, happily sliding up and down his warm ass. The feel of his balls at the base of my cock only served to juice me up more, and his pulsing cock between us added to the overt sexuality of the moment. This was mixing emotion and sex, a no-no in my book, but the book was in flames. Donny reared up his legs, hooking his ankles just under my butt. His hand drifted down my back, tracing circles in the tuft of hair on the small of my back and making me tingle from head to toe. His other hand found my cock, and gave it a squeeze that felt like it would burst. His mouth on mine, hungry, eager, demanding. A movement of his hips, and slowly my over-aroused brain clued into what was happening.

The head of my cock, dripping and well-sheathed with foreskin, was being deftly manipulated to go where no man had gone before. Lost in my own world of tactile bliss, instinct and rote took over. My consciousness snapped to attention as I felt the head of my cock warmly embraced by his tight entrance. I froze, but Donny bucked his hips up, and my cock head, self-lubed and well positioned, slid out of it's protective and captive sheath and into my lover's body.

His ring clamped down on the base of my crown like a circular vice. Only the pained moan from Donny kept me from coming at that moment. I pulled back to withdraw, to stop causing him pain, but his legs anchored me to the spot. He opened his eyes, staring at me, and through clenched teeth said simply, "No."

I held my body still, afraid to penetrate him further, and afraid to pull out and disappoint him. His breathing was heavy, almost labored, and his face forced into a placid pose. The veins in his forehead pulsed, and sweat rolled down his temples. He held my eyes, entreating me not to withdraw, to hold fast until he could take me. I bent to kiss him, taking his lips on mine gently. I knew it had to be, I knew it hurt in so many ways. How long must he have been planning this moment only to have me fuck it up with my own issues. I pushed into him, slowly, increasing the pressure on his lips as my cock sank deeper and deeper into his opening. I felt his sphincter spasm, the tight involuntary contractions of an ass being taken. I felt the long slow quivers as he tried to order his body to obey his will.

At last, I came to rest, buried to the hilt. His hot tunnel massaging the entire length of my shaft, a warm, wet massage that can only come from a man's tight place. Donny moaned from the very bottom of his chest. I joined his moan with my own, a feeling of accomplishment and sheer pleasure flooding over me. He tightened his legs around me, and I pushed deeper. We were gaining millimeters, but the hot pressure of his ass ring clamped onto the base of my cock combined with his body urging me in made them feel like inches. Donny thrashed his head, breaking the kiss, and grabbing my ass with both hands. His body was curled against mine, his strength focused on taking me, on consuming my cock with his ass. I didn't pump yet, I held it in place, grinding gently to seat myself as deep as I could. I wished I had a club like his, if only to be able to be further in him right now. Donny grabbed the back of his knees and pulled himself up, shifting my angle of attack. Impossibly, I eased in even further. I was now conscious of every inch of my dick, and I urged it on, willing it in deeper to satisfy him.

I looked down at Donny's face. His eyes were closed and clenched, his mind seeing the penetration from within. The pain was ebbing, though I knew it was temporary. I leaned back a little, separating my body from his. I took his legs and gently placed them on my shoulders. I took his left hand and guided it to my chest, resting it against my hairy pec. The other hand I guided to my cock. He resisted first, thinking I was guiding him to his cock, but I held firm and he complied. I pulled out a little, just enough to give him space, then guided his hand between us. When his fingertips touched my swollen base, he gasped. I felt him tentatively explore the place, barely touching his extruded ring encircling my cock. His whole body shuddered.

I pulled his hand away, simultaneously pulling more out. He whimpered, so I thrust an inch or so back in to let him know I wasn't going anywhere anytime soon. My foreskin was stretched backwards to the limit, and in any other situation I'd be howling in pain. Knowing how much more this hurt him kept me from thinking too much about sore skin. I withdrew again, this time letting the foreskin regroup and stopping as the crown bumped against his ring. His sphincter was still tight, cock-ring tight, but it had stopped fighting the entry and now just quivered to adjust to it's new size. I ran the back of my hands up the back of his thighs, eliciting further flexing of that entrance. I'd give my right nut to get lube, but there was no way I was going to break the moment to run over to my desk to retrieve it. I looked down and my cock impaling him, and remembered a few movies I'd seen. I tried to muster a mouthful of spit, but I'd been panting too, and a little dribble came out, missing my cock entirely and landing on his leg.

I reached for the other ready source of lube, still rock hard on his abs and leaving a little arc of slickness on his treasure trail. I reached for it, but he intercepted it firmly. Judging by the flow, he was too close to touch. I kept moving towards, despite the iron grip.

"No," he said, in a voice lower than should come out of such a body.

"Lube," I replied, also hoarser than I expected. He eased his grip, and I took the precum from his belly and the tip, milking out a good stream that made him moan and buck. I quickly slathered it on my exposed shaft, and he sank his ass onto it immediately. It did little good, but the effect of my being buried balls-deep again was immediate. His ass tightened, and this time it was a voluntary squeeze. I pumped him gently, each stroke getting longer until I was nearly all the way. He was far too tender to piston fuck, I was pushing my luck as it was. He'd be sore for days, and horny too.

His whole body began thrashing against my rhythmic thrusts. We were looking for that beat where we were both on the same measure, that magnificent moment when both experienced the same instant of pleasure and pain. My cock was on fire, the foreskin stretched to the limits and the angry head, tethered as it was to it's fleshy cover, bent at each down stroke, and the point of connection just under the slit on the underside burned. I didn't care, any more than Donny cared that his as was now twice it's size and getting turned inside out every other thrust. Such was the nature of the beast.

I moved his legs higher on my shoulders and leaned into the thrusts, making his cock flop up and down on each slap. My balls were aching for release, despite the short workout. Intense, emotional foreplay does that to me. I wanted just one more thing from Donny; to feel his first orgasm from the inside. I reached for his cock, but he stopped me again, this time opening his eyes to look into mine.

"I'm there," he said, almost in a whisper.

I felt it coming from his chest first, a low moan that rose in intensity as every muscle in his body began to tense. His legs pulled my shoulders down, and I kissed his collarbone, the highest I could reach from my position. His knees were pressed into his chest, and his hands locked onto my ass and pulled so hard my own pucker stretched. As his orgasm built, he pushed me back with his legs, almost involuntarily as his abs tensed. His cock sprang from between us, spraying semen on his chest and mine as his ass convulsed around my cock. The combination of seeing his manhood explode and feeling my own vibrated from root to tip sent me gradually towards the edge. I bent back under the force of his legs, now taut with energy being released. His hands held me fast, and as his fingers gouged into my cheeks, the pain did it. I bellowed like a bull and rammed my hips into him, careless of any pain I might cause. In that moment I wanted only to breed him deeply, and my cock disgorged it's seed in rolling waves of pleasure that shook me. My hands on his hips grasped him firmly as I emptied myself into him. His cock danced with every heartbeat as it continued to leak milky sweat from the top. Donny's eyes were closed, his face now truly placid, and his body slowly relaxed. I was gasping for air as I came down from my euphoria. I was barely conscious of my surroundings, except for Donny, in that respect I was hyper-focused. I could see every inch of him, his legs spread around me, his chest heaving, his arms limp, and his cock still rock hard and bouncing slightly. His ass had tired and was now cradling me, blurring the line where I ended and he began.

Usually when I come, there's a solid moment of absolute reality where I ask myself what I'm doing, why am I doing it, and how I got here. It is the dark chasm of self-doubt, ringed with self-loathing. I know to expect it, and give myself a moment or two to get over it. Not this time. I felt a buzz, like electricity through my whole body, not just my cock. I wanted to embrace him, to be with him, to feel him close again. I knew that I had to pull out, and I knew that even that simple act would be something he'd remember forever: The moment his first top withdrew from his plucked ass. Entry had been a new sensation, and now the slow withdrawal would be too. Coming post-orgasm for him, it would either be a welcome relief, or a feeling of emptiness.

I eased out slowly, feeling his ass tighten a little. Donny opened his eyes and locked them on mine. I leaned forward, letting the natural angle of our bodies slowly pull me out. I felt my crown at his ring, and sighed as the edge passed over and the head flopped out unceremoniously. I was on his lips in a moment, thanking him physically for the privilege of being his first. We kissed lazily, stretched out now on our sides, our legs entwining again, but now with new significance.

"Thank you," he whispered.

I nuzzled his neck. "Thank you, that was wonderful Donny."

"We're not done," he answered mischievously.

[Comments and suggestions are welcomed at lopezbos@yahoo.com]