Author's Note: This is a slow love story and not a fast fuck one. If this isn't to your liking, please don't bother reading. This story contains sexual acts between two males. If it offends you, then X out. Any comments or questions, email me and I'll try to respond promptly.
Chapter 4
Mark and I did stay together over the next couple months.
It was just too fun being with him and the sex was a main part of it; I was willing to admit. I didn't have any other prospects in terms of a relationship and I got along well with Mark and he seemed fine with how things were between us. In fact, there were no more jealous incidents, but I noticed he wanted me to hang out with him a lot more, not that I could complain. I got sex more often.
But after two months of jerking off together and blow jobs, Mark wanted to go further.
And that made me uncomfortable.
"A hotel room?" I asked with confusion.
Mark nodded. "We can't use your house, because of your brother. We can't use my house because of Cara and you're closeted."
I shook my head. "Wait, what are you getting at/"
"I want to have sex with you," Mark said. "I think we should take this to the next level."
I was shocked and stunned, although in reality, I shouldn't have been. This was only a logical next step in a sexual relationship. Especially one that was based primarily on sex.
"Umm."
"Do you want to?" he asked.
I looked at him, my mouth opening and closing a few times. "I don't know," I finally offered.
"You don't know?"
"It seems kinda fast."
"We've been together for two months now," Mark pointed out. "I kinda want the real thing."
The idea of anal sex scared me; I always figured I'd be ready whenever the right person came along and right now the thought of having anal intercourse with Mark scared me. Deep down, I guess I knew he wasn't someone I could share that special moment with.
"Umm, would you be doing me, or me doing you?" I asked hesitantly.
"We could do both," Mark said grinning with excitement.
"Can I think about it?" I asked.
Mark frowned. "I guess so."
"It's just that it would be my first time and I don't want to rush into it," I said. "I have to really feel ready, really."
"I know, but you can trust me, Kevin. I'd never hurt you," he promised.
I looked into his eyes and nodded, still feeling confused.
I don't know why it was hard for me to believe him. Perhaps it was because he had initially rushed our other sexual acts, but it was never that big of a deal, but to me, anal sex was a huge thing and I needed to find a partner that I could trust and someone who would really take care of me. For some reason, I knew Mark wasn't the most considerate person. I just got this gut feeling.
Why was I still with him? Good question. Blame it on being young and excited to find another gay guy to be with, and the feeling of not being alone.
Needless to say, my discussion with Mark intruded on my thoughts and during my weekly meetings with Gray, I was not all there.
"You ok?" Gray asked frowning. "You've been preoccupied a lot lately, and not just here, but in school also."
"I'm ok," I said.
"Really?"
I nodded.
"You can talk to me, you know," Gray stated softly. "I'd never tell anyone, really. I'm not really into gossiping." He smiled.
I smiled also. "I'm fine really. The schoolwork is just clouding my head."
"Well, at least you finally got your car back," Gray said.
"I know, it's so much better than depending on others for rides," I said sighing. "It took a little longer because one of the main guys went on vacation, but it's all good."
I was silent for a bit and Gray went back to his work.
"Were you ever in a relationship for the wrong reason?" I blurted out.
Gray looked up at me, startled. Then he processed the question. "Um, I've never had a serious girlfriend, but I've dated. Then again, it was nothing serious, so I don't think I was in it for any ulterior motive. Why?" he cocked his head at me.
"It's just that I've been seeing someone," I said carefully. "And we've been together for two months, but we agreed it wouldn't be too serious and now, I think its getting more serious, but I know I don't feel that strongly. It's just, well, it's just sex," I blushed.
Gray raised his eyebrows. "I didn't know you had a girlfriend."
"You don't know her. She went to a different high school and graduated last year," I said quickly, thinking briefly of Cara. Finally, she was good for something.
Gray nodded.
"I like her," I said, "And have fun, but at the end of the day, it's just sex; physical."
"And you want to end it?" Gray asked.
"I don't know," I admitted. "I kinda like what I have now, well, because you know, my needs are taken care of. And I like having someone, all the time. But I feel bad and selfish. I just don't know."
"Did she give you an ultimatum or something?" he asked.
I shrugged. "Not exactly. Well maybe. Kinda. Not sure," I said before rubbing my head. "I hate this high school shit. I should have remained single until college!"
Gray laughed. "Stress doesn't go away Kevin. It just evolves, into something more difficult. Listen, I can't help you solve your problem, but I'm a firm believer in the truth."
I nodded.
"And," he started. "If you're questioning yourself and what you're doing with this girl, then there's your answer. If it were right, you wouldn't be doubting yourself and feeling guilty, right?"
I nodded again.
We were quiet again as Gray let me process all this.
"Damn it O'Neal," I muttered. "Damn you."
"What?" he laughed.
"Why are you so fucking smart?" I asked.
He chuckled. "Cause we're in the same classes, remember?" he teased.
I rolled my eyes but soon joined him in the laughter.
I stared at Gray as we continued to do our work and as he chewed on his pen in concentration and frowned while thinking, I wondered what kinda boyfriend Gray would make. Judging by his comments, probably a really good one. A respectable one. One that I could really see myself with; or giving myself to, completely.
And damn, Gray was attractive- his eyes so dark and stormy- sparkling when happy, glistening when annoyed. His skin so tan, his body so buff and firm.
I forced myself to focus on my work, but I couldn't help thinking- why were all the good ones straight?
Why was being gay so difficult?
Two weeks had passed and I was actively avoiding Mark. We hadn't spent any one on one time together because I claimed to be too busy with my upcoming exams. The truth was I didn't want to see Mark and have him pressure and hound me to have sex in some shitty hotel room. The thought made my stomach turn. I suppose I was old fashioned- or as old fashioned a gay guy could be.
But Mark wasn't making it easy. He called me a lot, and just recently started coming by the house. I managed to avoid him by having brief conversations outside the house, but I had a nagging feeling he'd be getting more persistent and I was worried.
Another thing worrying me? I was definitely having some attraction to Gray. We were spending more and more time together and I got to see how wonderful he really was. Like, I didn't know him in the past, but I always assumed he was some good looking jerk who played sports, even though he never did anything to me and was typically quiet. But now I was getting to know him and his personality, and everything else was truly amazing. My feelings for him just got me more stressed. I was sorta dating Mark and having sex with him, but having feelings for someone else. This was too much drama. Less than three months ago, I didn't have any drama. I missed those days. Really.
My thoughts were interrupted with a loud shout of glee from Teddy. I turned to the living room and saw Gray lifting Teddy up and down rapidly and Teddy seemed to be enjoying it.
Gray was smiling widely; his white teeth shining. Spring was upon us and even in his loose-fitting t-shirt, I could see Gray's muscle. His biceps bulged and the veins in his forearms moved around as he played with my brother.
That was another thing about Gray. He had met my mother and brother and got along with them, even with Bill. But Mark, I never felt comfortable bringing him around. He was so quiet and secretive; I knew my mother would have something negative to say, just like Bill did.
I guess I should break things off with Mark, but then I'd be all alone again, being with my friends, but still feeling lonely. I was selfish, I didn't want to give up Mark, and no longer have his affection. Even worse, I'd have to deal with a crush on Gray. Seriously, I fucking hated drama.
"Airplane," Gray cried out as he lifted Teddy over his head and zoomed around the room.
I smiled. Gray was such a big kid.
Teddy laughed and giggled as Gray made airplane noises. Soon Gray plopped on the couch and cuddled Teddy on his lap. Teddy never lost his smile and snuggled into Gray's belly, his dirty blond hair fanning around.
"Stealing my brother?" I teased jokingly.
Gray grinned. "Just borrowing him for fun. At my house, I'm an only child and all the pressure and tension rests on me. Over here, I can just sorta relax and have fun. Like a kid again."
"I can see that," I commented as I grabbed Teddy's hand and pulled gently. Teddy smiled at me and I affectionately brushed his hair away from his forehead.
"Why are you so cute?" I cooed at Teddy leaning closer to him. "How come you're so little? So teeny? Like a teeny beany baby? Little mini munchkin," I said kissing his cheeks. "Cutey pie." Teddy giggled and happily accepted my affection. He smiled up at my adoringly and his cuteness set off a whole new batch of kisses from me.
Gray laughed and I looked at him.
"I love your baby talk," he said raising his eyebrows.
I flushed briefly. "What?" I shrugged. "He's a baby!"
"I'm no baby!" Teddy pouted, folding his arms.
Gray laughed. "No, you're all grown up," he said to Teddy fondly.
Teddy grinned smugly, looking at me. "You're the baby," he said pointing at me and I tickled under my brother's chin.
"I can agree with that," Gray said winking at me, a brown curl falling in his eye. I watched as he tossed his head back and I swear, my heart started beating faster. What beautiful hair.
"You ok man?" Gray asked as he squeezed Teddy's belly.
I blinked. "Yeah, zoned out."
He smiled. "How's the girl situation?"
I frowned in confusion. "Huh?"
Gray frowned, and looked at me curiously, "You were having problems with this girl, you know, stringing her along?"
"Oh," I said. "No, still having problems making a decision."
Gray shook his head and made a tsk-ing sound.
I sighed and ran my hand over my face. "It's just complicated. I'm messed up. I guess I like the attention."
Gray looked at me. "I can understand that," he said honestly. "But you know its not right," he added. "Listen, after awhile, you'll miss the attention, but then you'll realize you did the right thing and can start to feel normal again."
I pondered his words. "Yeah."
Gray laughed. "Look at me, giving you advice all the time, and you thought I was a dumb jock."
"I never thought that," I protested.
He shot me a look.
"I don't think that," I paused. "Anymore."
Gray laughed loudly. "I knew it."
"Well, I like you now!" I said.
He looked at me, his smile fading and he grew serious. "I like you too Kevin," he said quietly, staring intently at me.
I started feeling hot and sweaty and after a few seconds, I had to look away, suddenly feeling self-conscious.
Calm down Kevin, he didn't mean anything by it. He meant just as friends.
I cleared my throat. "Uh, wanna get back to work?" I asked.
He shook his head. "No way. We've been so hardworking lately and its sickening. Let's take this one Friday off?" he begged.
It was nearing the end of April and final exams came earlier for AP courses, but technically, we still had a fair amount of time left to cram. And we had been steadily working every weekend, working after school and after Gray's practices.
I smiled. "Sure."
"Good," Gray said happily. "I am so tired from studying with you all the time and practices and games. Thank god the last game is next week. Sometimes I wanna just be lazy and not do a damn workout and eat burgers, fries, and pizza, all in one sitting."
I chuckled. "Yeah. I love junk food, remember?"
Teddy rested his head on Gray's chest and I smiled at how comfortable Teddy was with him and how good Gray was with little kids. Most guys would be annoyed spending so much time with a young child. But not Gray.
Ooh, there goes my crush, getting bigger and bigger with every passing second.
"Who is that?" Gray asked looking at my front door where the bell was ringing insistently.
I frowned. "I don't know," I replied slowly, although I had an idea.
"Aren't you going to answer it?" he asked as I hesitated.
"Uh-huh," I said walking slowly to the front door.
More pounding.
"Kevin!"
That was definitely Mark.
Shit.
Hoping to get this over with quickly, I flung the door open and came face to face with a disgruntled Mark and slightly drunk as he stumbled forward.
"I want to talk," he said leaning forward.
I hurriedly tried to step outside, but he pushed forward and in order to support his weight, I fell backwards.
"He's over again?" Mark sneered. "Why are you here all the time?" he asked Gray.
Gray stood up and he looked relaxed, but I could tell his muscles were tensing up. Probably in preparation of some sort of danger. Although Gray definitely had it in the bag. Gray was taller than me and heavier than me. I was shorter, but heavier than Mark with more muscle mass. Do the math.
Yet in Mark's slightly drunken state, he didn't seem to care. I guess alcohol gave him courage. A strip of his dark hair was in his eyes and it gave him a crazed look.
"We study together," I offered lamely, suddenly feeling weak at the thought of being outed by Mark. I knew Gray was a good person, but somehow, they always reared their ugly heads whenever someone was gay. Ok, maybe that was in my paranoid mind.
"AP exams are coming up soon," Gray offered.
"Aren't you two so smart," Mark said snidely.
"Mark, can we talk some other time?" I asked quietly.
"Why? Now is not a good time for you?" he asked looking at me angrily. "You've been ignoring me for a long time, Kevin. You've been avoiding me, so all that shit about you caring about me is fucking bullshit!"
I swallowed hard and looked at Gray nervously, but he didn't look at me questioningly or suspiciously, he just nodded at me confidently, conveying his message: that he had my back.
I was beginning to sweat and I felt clammy. I wiped my hands on my jeans.
"I bet all along you were fucking around with him. I knew you would. Keeping me on the side," Mark followed. "Not wanting anything serious, when he's probably doing you every night," he said nastily.
I saw Gray's eyes widen briefly before he glanced at me. I avoided his eyes and was frozen on the spot. I really wanted to run to my room and hide. I couldn't believe I had been outed by Mark! What if Gray turned on me? So he didn't beat me into a pulp; telling the entire school would be just as bad! The looks, the whispering, oh, god!
"Listen, I don't know where you got that idea from, but we're just friends," Gray said calmly. "We happen to share a lot of classes together, that's all."
"I bet," Mark said rolling his eyes. "Are you saying you're not gay?" he asked.
Gray hesitated and now it was my turn to be shocked.
"I knew it!" Mark nearly shouted. "How long? How long you been fucking Kevin?" he asked before turning to me. "Is that why you wouldn't let me fuck you?"
I felt sick and humiliated. I couldn't answer and I lost my balance slightly.
Gray stepped forward and stood between Mark and me, effectively shielding me from Mark's obnoxious stare. Mark knew I was in the closet and he purposely outed me in front of Gray, to make sure that I would have hell for the rest of my high school career and possibly ruin any chance of a friendship or relationship with Gray.
"I think you should leave," Gray said firmly.
Mark took a step back. "I'm not."
"You should," Gray said and I could sense the anger in his voice. "Kevin doesn't want you here and you're upsetting him. If you don't leave, we'll just call the cops. You're a disturbance and you're drunk."
Mark blinked. "You fucker," he said lunging forward, swinging his fist.
Gray didn't even move, he merely caught Mark's fist and pushed Mark backwards. Mark lost his balance and fell directly on his ass.
"I mean it. Leave," Gray said edging Mark towards the front door.
"I guess this is it, huh Kevin?" he asked, staggering into a standing position and moving backwards as Gray menacingly, but calmly, advanced on him. "I guess we're done. You made your choice."
"Yeah, he made his choice; now get the hell out," Gray said, raising his voice for the first time.
"You're such a fucker Kevin. A fucking asshole," Mark said. "I'll get you for this. For lying to me and treating me like shit, like I'm lesser than you, or you're better than me," he blubbered incoherently.
He stepped away briefly and looked at me and then at Gray.
"You give shitty head," he said to me and I looked at Mark in surprise, while Gray turned to look at me, his face red, with either anger or embarrassment.
"I hope you enjoy his half assed blow jobs," Mark sneered at Gray.
"Get the fuck out ," Gray hissed before pushing Mark forcefully, while opening the front door.
Mark opened his mouth to say something, but Gray slammed the door shut.
I heard Mark's loud laughter through the door. He was singing to himself and then after a few minutes, it was silent. He had finally left.
Gray and I were still standing in the same spots, not moving, not looking at each other.
I was sure he was disgusted by me. I felt my stomach lurch. All these months of cementing a fun friendship was down the tube.
"You can go now," I said quietly.
That prompted Gray to move. He moved toward me and made to put his hands on my shoulders but I backed away. He retracted his hands.
"Do you want me to go?" he asked.
I didn't answer him and he sighed.
"Jesus, Kevin! Will you look at me?" he asked, with a sense of urgency in his voice. When I still didn't, he sighed again. "Please," he begged softly.
Finally, I looked up at him and I didn't see disgust or hatred in his eyes. Instead I saw sympathy, and compassion, and, amusement.
Wait a fucking minute! Amusement!
There was this glint in his eye and I swear I saw his lips twitch.
"Are you laughing?" I demanded, not finding any humor in the situation. "Stop it!"
"I'm sorry," Gray apologized. "It's just that, well, you mentioned having girl problems," he chuckled. "Was that the girl you were thinking of dumping?" he asked referring to Mark.
I thought about the situation and if I wasn't so mortified, I'd be laughing along with Gray.
I rubbed my eyes and blinked back tears as I turned away from Gray. I was always known as the confident strong guy in my group of friends, but I didn't want to be out. I mean, openly out. I only wanted to be out to a few people, the ones that mattered. Everyone else was on a need to know basis. It was no one else's business and the fact that Mark forced this on me got me very emotional. These were tears of anger and frustration.
Add to the fact that I really liked Gray and for some reason I felt like everything was now jeopardized.
"Hey," Gray said inching closer. "It's ok."
"How can it be ok?" I demanded suddenly, backing away from him. "The first guy I get involved with turns out to be a psycho and outs me in front of you! That means I can never really trust anyone with my business. Telling someone I'm gay is my business and my business alone. It should have been me telling you, not him, and when I was ready. This just gets me so mad! I fucking hate people," I yelled. "Shit!" I cursed, chucking a water bottle off the counter and watching with satisfaction as it smacked against the window before dropping loudly on the floor.
"Shh, Teddy is sleeping," Gray said moving closer to me once again.
I blinked and my vision was blurred because of my tears. I really didn't want them to fall in front of Gray.
"Don't cry," Gray murmured looking at me. "Please don't cry."
I quickly swiped the tears away. "Who's crying?"
"I know things didn't work out well tonight, but don't let it upset you further. It's ok, really. I mean, not ok that, you know, Mark said all that stuff, but that I don't care. I'm not going to say anything, cause like you said, it's not my place to say anything," Gray said sincerely.
I was too scared and in my own little world that I didn't register what he said. I was still shocked and upset at how things had turned out and how wrong I was to have gotten together with Mark. Who would I know to trust in the future?
"Kevin?" Gray asked.
"It's, um, this has been a, well, a stressful night," I laughed dryly. "Can you just go? I need to be alone right now."
There was silence and I was afraid Gray was going to get mad. Here he was being so nice and understanding and supportive, but I was practically shoving him out the door.
"Ok," Gray said. "If that's what you want, I'll leave," he stated.
"Thank you," I whispered.
I heard some noise and looked up curiously. Gray was fumbling in his book bag and I watched with interest as he pulled a loose sheet of paper out of his notebook. He grabbed a pen off the table and started writing.
I had no clue what he was doing.
A few seconds later, he stood up and zipped up his bag and hoisted it on his shoulders. He folded the piece of paper.
"I'll go," Gray said as he shoved the folded piece of paper into my hands. I grasped it clumsily and stared at him dumbly. "But read this after I leave, ok?" he asked.
I nodded blankly.
Gray smiled. "I'll see you at school on Monday. Let you have some time to recover. We'll talk Monday," he said all that firmly, as if it was a fact.
All I could do was nod. Then one with last look and smile, he left, closing the door quietly behind him.
I stood there motionless for a minute before I shook my head and opened the note he gave me. My eyes ran over the words quickly and by the time I read it for the second time, I was able to make sense of it all.
It read:
Kevin,
Please don't feel embarrassed or scared around me. I don't want out friendship to be ruined over something trivial, not that your sexuality is trivial, but the fact that it won't change how I feel about you. You're still a good person and a very good friend, and I always have fun hanging with you.
If you're worried about your secret being spread, don't. But if it makes you feel better, I'll tell you one of my secrets, or my only secret.
I'm gay.
There. I said it, or wrote it, or whatever. That's my secret and with my ignorant, obnoxious, superficial friends, that could mean hell for me, so promise not to tell, ok?
I won't tell yours if you won't tell mine. Deal?
See you Monday.
Your friend,
Gray
I looked up from the note and stared at the wall in confusion.
My head was swarming with thoughts and it was going on overload and it was overwhelming me.
Gray? Gay?
No fucking way! He had never given off that vibe.
Oh fucking God, Gray O'Neal, Gray fucking O'Neal was gay! No fucking shit!
I was torn between happy and still feeling the aftermath of my little run-in with Mark.
Then I remembered Mark's parting words- that I gave shitty head and I flushed, even though I was alone in my living room.
Now Gray probably thought I sucked at giving a blow job. Not that it mattered. We were strictly friends, right? Then again, knowing that he was gay did give me some sort of hope.
A small smile made its way to my lips and I didn't feel so shitty anymore.
Now I couldn't wait to see Gray.
Monday couldn't come fast enough. I had so many questions to ask Gray.