Disclaimer: This is a slow love story and not a fast fuck one. If this isn't to your liking, please don't bother reading. This story contains sexual acts between two males. If it offends you, then X out. Any comments or questions, email me and I'll try to respond promptly.
Chapter 11
Things were still a little rough between Gray and I, but we were patching things up.
Gray didn't go out with that girl, Sherry again. Apparently he had told his parents he doesn't get to come home often from Duke and wanted to hang out with his friends. He had limited time.
I didn't like that explanation, because it implied that when he did have time in the future, he'd be willing to see her. But I'd take what I could get. For now.
I was still cautious and disgruntled, and jealous, but I forced myself to calm down and take Bill's advice. Gray and I spent the last two weeks of winter break together, and although our time together was a bit strained, it was still nice to be with him.
I hoped he felt the same for me.
Saying goodbye had been tense and it didn't leave me with a good feeling. I wonder how the upcoming semester would fare for our relationship.
Only time would tell. Unfortunately that didn't stop me from worrying shit loads.
"Penny for your thoughts," John said.
"Cliché," I shot back, not answering him.
"A good opener," John shot back.
"My usual troubles. Won't bore you with them," I responded, not looking at him.
"Gray," John said. "What's wrong now?"
"Everything," I said. "I have this bad feeling in my stomach. I don't know how long we're going to last. This college relationship and long distance thing is really tough. I admire people who can really survive."
"Jealously issue?" John said.
"Kinda," I admitted. I finally turned in my chair and faced him. "He went out with this girl, but it wasn't exactly a date. She's a family friend, and only a friend to him, but we think his parents want something more to happen, if you know what I mean."
"Ahh, the parental set up. And they don't know he's gay. It all makes sense now," John said.
"I saw them at the mall. He didn't tell me. I jumped to conclusions and lashed out. We managed to work through it, but things have been and still are tense between us. I don't like it at all," I folded my arms.
"They'll get better," John offered.
"No guarantee," I said. "I'm a realist, not some hippie, just smoked up optimist."
He held up his hands. "Hey, don't get pissy with me!"
"Sorry," I sighed. "I'm not good company. I won't be until something happens or something gets solved."
"Good to know. Thanks for the heads up," John said.
"You're welcome. What are friends for," I said. John snorted. "What a nice sentiment."
"Tell someone who gives a shit," I said grumpily.
The rest of the evening, we studied in silence.
"You know Kevin, I haven't done anything bad since the last time you called me," Gray said when I called him the third time that day. His voice was laced with annoyance.
My paranoia had set in and normally in the past we'd call a few times a week or text or email, but now I started calling on a daily basis, or even multiple times during the day.
I was getting annoyed and if I was calling me, I'd wanna kill me too, but I couldn't stop. I was always wondering who Gray was with and if he was talking to this Sherry girl. No matter how much he reassured me, I couldn't trust him. Knowing how much he wanted to please his parents, I had no idea how far he'd go to please them.
The excess stress was taking a toll on me. My grades were mediocre; not stellar like I wanted them to be. I was moody and grumpy with John and isolated myself on purpose. I slept badly and was irritable all the time, even when alone. Like I had no patience for the little things.
Something was not right with this. Relationships were supposed to be a good thing- not virtually kill you.
If that wasn't a warning sign, I don't know what was.
"Fine, I won't call you anymore," I said into the phone angrily. "You do your thing, whatever that is and I'll do my thing. Then we'll regroup when we get back home over the summer, unless you're not too busy hanging with Sherry," I sneered. I knew how terrible I sounded, but I didn't care and I clicked the phone off and chucked it onto the floor.
He called back several times and eventually I answered. He apologized as did I, but at the end of the conversation nothing was resolved. So I didn't feel any better. And my paranoia didn't let up.
In hindsight, we were both to blame for the trouble in our relationship. He wasn't forthcoming enough with his life and I wasn't smart enough to ask the right questions- instead I hounded and stalked the poor guy until he was at the brink of insanity.
By the time February rolled around, I was angry that he had already booked his spring break with his friends. It seemed he never wanted to spend time with me, and it wasn't like we were together all that much.
"Kevin, its vacation and I want to be with my friends," he finally blurted out.
"I guess they're more important than I am," I said pettily.
"Fuck," he cursed. "I love you Kevin, you have to know that, but I want a life!"
"What's that supposed to mean?" I demanded.
"Shit, I don't know if I can do this anymore. You're constant worrying, my constant guilt for going out and having a good time. Your phone calls, your accusations. It's becoming too much. It's consuming me and I can't do anything. I have a lot going on with school and sports, and sometimes it's nice to go out with friends and unwind. And spring break is about friends!" he said.
"So where do I fit into all of that?" I asked.
"Long distance takes work, I know, but calling every day, three times or more?" he asked in disbelief.
"Excuse me for wanting to know how you are," I said defensively.
"You're smothering me," he stated.
"I wasn't in the past," I pointed out. "I never had a reason to worry before."
"And you still don't!" he exclaimed in frustration.
"How would I know that if I feel I can't trust you anymore," I cried out. "Look that Sherry thing wasn't supposed to be a big deal, but it was for me," I huffed. "If you can't respect that, then I don't know."
"I don't know how many times I can reassure you nothing happened."
"But what if it does later on?"
"Well, I'm not a fortune teller!" he shouted.
"You should nip it in the bud and fucking tell your parents already!"
"And I told you I'm not ready to do that, so you'll have to deal!" he yelled.
"Obviously I can't deal with it," I breathed out. "I'm not doing well at school and this is why."
Gray was silent. Then, "What do you mean not doing well?"
"I can't focus. I hate myself for being this way, but I can't help it and it's ruining everything," I wailed.
"Kevin, calm down," he said in a worried tone.
"I can't. I hate this," I mumbled.
"Look, I hate to say this," he began. I waited. "Maybe we should take a break until we see each other in May. We're both going crazy, neither of us are faring well. We need a breather, right?"
I felt pressure behind my eyes. "I guess."
"This isn't an official break. I don't plan on being with anyone else and I hope you don't either. It's just a break where we can get through the semester and then work on our problems. There is no point in flunking out."
"Yeah," I whispered.
"We'll keep in contact," he said.
"Uh-huh."
"I love you. Please don't feel bad," he said softly.
"I don't know if that's possible," I sniffled.
"I wish I could see you now," he groaned. "Fuck. I don't want to leave you like this. I have class."
"Just go. We'll talk when we get the chance. Bye." I hung up.
The phone call did nothing to relieve my nerves.
If anything, it made it worse.
I don't know how I survived until May, but I did. Gray and I talked on the phone once a day. We set aside a time and talked for as long as we wanted, but with a designated time slot, so it was good for the both of us.
We emailed daily, religiously, and both of our emails were pretty detailed accounts of our day. I think Gray put in extra effort to be detailed, so I felt like I was in the loop. I was grateful for that and it gave me hope things would be ok for us.
Yet the little grating nerve never left me. I felt on edge, as if waiting for something inevitable to happen. Something that I couldn't stop no matter how hard I tried. Something I could never prepare myself for. I felt like my heart was breaking even if Gray and I were still together, for the time being.
While I was happy summer was upon me, I couldn't help feeling a little dread about seeing Gray. It just meant more arguing and fighting, which is what we seemed to be doing best these days.
Some days, I felt like I was ready to give up and throw in the towel in this relationship. If we had to work so hard to maintain our relationship, perhaps it wasn't meant to be, but every time I thought of not being with Gray and having him, as mine, I felt a horrible ache in my stomach and a burning in my chest.
I did my second load of laundry and was folding up my shirts when I heard the doorbell ring.
I knew it was Gray. He told me he would stop by.
I opened the door and saw Gray standing there, biting his lip. His dark blue eyes met mine and he stared at me for a minute.
"Hey," he said softly.
I nodded. "Hi."
He hesitated and I moved back. "Come on," I said. He walked in and I shut the door. "Want anything to drink?" I asked, feeling like I was talking to a stranger.
"Sure," he said, following me to the kitchen.
I got a can of soda and turned to hand it to him, when I felt his warm, soft lips hit mine. His arms wrapped around me, hugging me tightly as he deepened the kiss, his tongue pushing its way in.
I kissed him back, wrapping my arms around his neck. When we broke apart, I sighed as he rubbed his nose against mine.
"Missed you."
"Missed you too," I said.
Gray smiled and took my hand and the soda, and led me to the living room, where he gently pushed me onto the couch.
"Summer is finally here," he stated.
"Yup."
"I'm looking forward to spending it with you," he said, looking at me intensely once again.
I smiled, genuinely this time. "Me, too."
His hand grasped mine and he nestled closer to me. He sighed. "Can't believe our second year of college is over."
"Can't believe we survived two years of college, together," I said. He looked at me and I shrugged. "Well, it's true. It was hard. We were having some real problems. I didn't think we'd make it."
Gray sighed again. "I know. It's harder than I thought it'd be," he agreed.
"You still want to be in this relationship, right?" I asked.
"Of course," he replied quickly. "Don't you?"
"Yes. But-" I hesitated.
"But what?"
"But I don't know if I can handle another two years constantly feeling jealous, worried, and clingy. I hate being that way. I'm like, disgusting myself," I shivered.
"Trust me, I don't like you being that way either. Makes me feel constantly guilty," he said. "And I feel like shit that I can't comfort you. Damn, I wish we went to the same schools. Imagine how much easier that'd be?"
"Yeah."
"What do we do now?" he wondered, looking at me.
"I don't know. Take it one day at a time," I suggested. "Listen Gray. I do trust you. I really do. You're a good person. But I can't help but worry. Ok, you can handle yourself at school, but when it comes to your parents and Sherry," I paused. "Let me put it this way. Parents are a powerful entity. They have this wonderful ability to guilt you into doing anything. Probably even murder. Which is why I worry about you and Sherry and whatever the fuck else in the future. Can you blame me?" I asked. "Just think about it for a sec, and be realistic."
I watched his face as he thought about what I said and I could see him pondering my points.
Gray looked at me, sadly. "I guess I see your point. How come parents are so scary?"
"Parents are only scary when you don't know how they'll react to big news, like being gay. We're in a tough spot, being young. We rely heavily on our parents. It's not like we're thirty and have good jobs and can support ourselves," I sympathized.
He let out a groan of frustration. "I can't tell them. Yet."
I swallowed hard. "I know."
"What does that mean for us then?"
"It means we continue whatever we're doing," I said. "I'll just have to get over my insecurities, and we'll have to talk more and shit like that. Fuck, I don't know. All I know if that I don't want to break up."
"Me neither," he repeated.
I rubbed my head. "I have a headache."
He chuckled. "I'm sorry baby," his hand caressed my forehead before pinching my nose. I smiled and squirmed away. He smiled and looked at me fondly. "Oh I missed you," he murmured. "That big, goofy smile."
I pushed his hand away and shifted on the couch. "Goofy?" I demanded.
Gray laughed and both his hands wrapped around my face, his thumbs on my cheeks as he drew me closer. I came over willingly and climbed onto his lap, lowering my lips to his, kissing softly, nibbling on his lips. He moaned.
"Kevin, my little Kevin," he sighed as his hands moved to my ass, cupping and kneading gently.
"No fair," I breathed. "You use your sexual power over me to make me forget my troubles."
Gray laughed against my lips. "I think it's the other way around. Your hotness makes me forget all words and I can't help but grope you."
"Flattery, flattery. Sneaky bastard," I said biting his lip harder.
Gray grunted. "I love you," he hissed. "Shouldn't we be doing something that, uh, celebrates our reunion, or whatever."
I giggled. "You are so lame."
He made a deep throaty sound that made my dick throb and ache inside my jeans.
"Ok, let's go big boy," I said standing up and grabbing his hand, hurling him towards the stairs. "Let's celebrate our reunion."
Gray grinned as he followed behind me.
Teddy ran up to me at and tugged on my swimming trunks. I looked down at him and smiled. Several of the other counselors I was sitting with looked at my brother as well.
"Can I have some food?" he asked me, his eyes wide, his little hands clutching my knees.
I smiled and picked him up, using more muscle strain than I had in the past. At five, he was still small, but growing steadily.
"All you do is eat, you chubby bear," I said hugging him. In reality, the kid was anything but chubby, but I loved little kids and their baby fat. So cute and sweet.
Teddy grinned at me, kicking his legs around in a relaxed manner. "I's hungry!" he announced smiling happily, holding onto my neck.
I looked at the other counselors and stood up, holding Teddy. "Going to the snack bar."
It was the middle of July and I was a camp counselor. I still worked at my other job at night, to get out of the house and make extra money. Even on weekends I did some teaching on the side. I wanted to keep busy to prevent boredom.
Everyone else was doing something. Bill had an internship and spent time with Cara. Sure I still saw the guy, but not as often. Gray worked some hours at the gym and also was a lacrosse coach for young recreational team.
I figured it would be nice to spend time with Teddy, before he got older and thought it wasn't cool to hang out with adults or something. And being a counselor while Teddy was in summer camp was like hanging with my brother while getting paid to do it. That and I knew Teddy would be in good hands. You never know what kinda people are dealing with children.
I ruffled his short blond hair as he stood on a stool, looking at the menu, deciding what he wanted.
"What do you want?" I prompted.
"I'm looking!" he sang out and I smiled, hugging his round belly tighter. Teddy hummed thoughtfully as he leaned against my chest, letting me support his weight. I kissed his shoulder and inhaled my brother's scent. That may have sounded creepy, but little kids had their own unique smell. Like something sweet- like cookies.
Finally he decided on a burger and fries and for a second, I thought of Gray. All the time we've taken Teddy out to eat, Gray's eating habits must have rubbed off on the kid. Then again, not like my eating habits were all that great either.
I sighed, as I walked with Teddy back to the main area. All the kids were scattered throughout the small, local water park, so I couldn't follow everyone. Most of the counselors just told their kids when they should come back to the meeting spot.
I just stayed with Teddy as he ate his food, rubbing his wet hair.
The summer was going well and my thoughts wandered as I sat in the shade. Summer time was hot and the heat got to me sometimes.
Things were going much better between me and Gray.
May was basically makeup month where we spent a lot of time together and had sex all the time. While some may say our relationship was all about sex, well, I had read an article in Cosmopolitan magazine at the bookstore and it stated that men express love through action, through sex.
June was when real summer got started- as in people started working and doing stuff with friends. That's what we did. Worked, hung out together, hung out with friends, shit like that. So far, no jealously drama. For now it was just the two of us and we were content together. My stress and anxiety had dissipated, but was still hanging there, waiting to jump out at me.
I was finally taking my own advice and trying not to worry and think too far ahead- as in getting worked up for no reason. Unfortunately, life wasn't predictable, so I'd have to wait for something to happen, before taking action.
Right now I couldn't complain. Our relationship felt strong and steady, compared to before. Things only got rocky while we were in school, I've noticed. Over the summer, with my Mom and Bill and Cara knowing about us, we were a real couple, with no worries.
As July was progressing and August approaching, I was once again at the point in the summer where I was fearful and dreadful of the future and the semester, and of my time away from Gray.
Something felt like a ticking time bomb.
That feeling didn't sit well with me. At all.
"Kevin."
I stood back and my mouth fell wide open. Gray pushed his way into my house and I could tell by his body language that something was really wrong.
His body was tense, he was sweating a bit, his eyes looked crazed, his hair a mess. He was breathing hard and opened his mouth several times as if he wanted to say something, but nothing came out. It seemed he was too shocked or something to get his words out.
"What's wrong?" I asked, starting to panic, as his freak out continued.
"Gray! You're scaring the shit out of me! Tell me what happened?" I said raising my voice, gripping his arms and trying to steady him.
"Everything is so messed up. I don't know what to do," Gray said rubbing his head, looking like he was going to cry.
"What's messed up?" I asked with confusion. "God, Gray, please tell me."
"Remember Sherry?" he began.
I instantly tensed. "Yeah?"
"Our parents have been getting together more often, and we usually see each other at family dinners. Nothing else," he reassured me quickly. "But I guess her parents told my parents that Sherry has a crush on me and then my parents started pressuring me about dating her, saying how great she is, which she is, but I can't date her. When I spend time with her, I have fun and stuff, but like a friend. I'd rather spend time with you or at least talk about you when I am with her," he rambled, pacing the carpet.
I followed him, trying to understand what he was getting at. But so far, all I could see in my head was a giant question mark.
"I don't get that vibe from her, as anything more, so I am definitely gay. Sometimes I questioned how gay I really am and if I could play it straight for my parents, but even with a girl as smart and responsible and gorgeous as Sherry doesn't do anything for me, then I really AM gay. NO ifs, ands or buts, about that. Then I thought, I can't continue lying like this, because by omitting the truth, I am lying, right?" he asked, his eyes full of turmoil.
"I'm only hurting Sherry, my parents, you, and myself. God, this is so fucked," he cried out.
"Gray, what else happened?" I asked, wondering what else had gotten him so riled up.
"They want me to go on a real date with her. Not just hanging out, but a date-date. They want me to be with her. I guess being twenty now, they're wondering why I'm not dating, settling down and they think Sherry is a great girl. So I told them I didn't want to date her, that I wanted to be single, you know? Dodging the issue. But that wasn't good enough, and then I just got angry and told them it was my life and I would date who I wanted, when I wanted."
"Then my Mom and Dad started getting angry, wondering why I was getting angry and then I started yelling at them, telling them they were bad parents."
"What, why?" I asked.
"I hurt their feelings," Gray said breathing out heavily. "I told them I tried too hard to be good and please them, never got into trouble or did anything wrong and they were still condemning and hating me. Then they were really confused and our fighting only escalated," he stated, running his fingers through his hair.
"My mother was crying and begged me to tell her what was wrong. Why I was saying all those things?" Gray went out, his eyes classy. "So it just came out."
"What came out?"
"That I'm gay," Gray said looking at me, his tone even.
"Really?" I gasped.
"Yes, really!" he snapped.
I frowned and blinked, but decided not to call him on his tone. No need to antagonize the poor guy further.
"Then what," I said. "I mean, how'd they react?" I corrected quickly.
He laughed dryly, pacing the room again. "Stunned. Shocked. Silent."
I nodded. Normal reactions, I supposed.
"My mother was really surprised. She just stood there, looking at me, with, with, whatever in her eyes. I couldn't even place the look. Probably disgust," Gray said and he wiped his eyes. "My Mom isn't supposed to hate me. She loves me. Out of Mom and Dad, she loves me more. Supports me. Now she hates me?" he asked in a small voice.
I moved over to him and wrapped my arms around his waist and hugged him back, inhaling deeply. I didn't know what to say; I didn't want to risk sounding insincere.
"My Dad, God, he was disgusted, for sure!" Gray said shrugging me off. I stood there, looking after him, feeling utterly helpless. "He stared at me, looked away, shook his head, and then walked. He just walked away. Left the room. Away from me. The faggot," he said in a hateful tone. "Then I just did the only thing I could do- I ran." Finally feeling drained, he flopped onto the couch face down and I heard him sniffling.
I stared at him for a few seconds, not knowing how to comfort him and feeling terribly sad. I walked closer to him and knelt beside him. My hand reached out and I hesitated a moment before touching his shoulder gently.
"Oh Gray, I'm so sorry," I said sadly rubbing his back. "I hate how this happened. I don't want you hurting. God, I love you baby," I whispered kissing his shoulder blade.
There was silence and finally Gray shifted. His face turned to me and there were tear marks on his cheeks. I reached out and dried them with my thumb.
"You're so wonderful; you don't deserve this," I murmured. "I love you. I'll do anything to help you. In any way I can."
"How can you get my parents to love me again?" he demanded, as his blue eyes welled up once again.
I bit my lip. I didn't have an answer to that. I just squeezed his arm and rested my head on his shoulder, rubbing circles.
"I love you," I said again.
"I love you, too."
I smiled and kissed his back over and over again. "Baby, let's go upstairs," I said, tugging on his curls. "Let's get you a shower and then go to bed."
Gray rubbed his eyes again, but slowly nodded and followed me. I took his hand and felt him grip it tightly.
Once in my bedroom, I led him to the shower and undressed him. Gray stood there, looking at the mirror blankly. I kissed his stomach, moving to his chest, before brushing his lips. I stripped next and smiled when his hands moved over my body, pulling me to him.
I did a sort of swinging dance with him to the shower as he refused to let go of me. I turned the water on and made sure the temperature was hot. It ran down over us, soothing the both of us. Gray hugged me still, his arms wrapped tightly around my waist, his head resting snugly in the crook of my neck.
I don't know how long we were in the shower for, but eventually, I managed to shampoo our hair and run a bar of soap over our bodies. A quick rinse later, I was drying us off. Figuring we wouldn't be staying up any later, we brushed out teeth. Afterward, I took his wrist and tugged him to my room. I pulled my covers back and nudged him to get inside. Gray got settled in the middle of my bed and looked at me expectantly, a needy look in his eyes.
I fought the urge to pounce on him, considering the situation, but he looked absolutely gorgeous, all tan and muscular and serious, lying on my covers.
I smiled and climbed into bed, intertwining my legs with his as I nestled on top of him. We sighed in unison and Gray tightened his grip on me, warmth emanating off of him. I reached for the covers and yanked it up to our necks, sighing again.
"Thanks Kevin."
"I love you," I stated, as it explained it all.
"I love you," Gray said. "I guess it was time for me to come out anyway. It was the breaking point. The pressure of choosing between you and my family and Sherry," he paused. He lifted my chin with his finger and I met his eyes. "I had to choose what was best for me. I just wish it didn't go down like that."
"I know angel," I whispered.
"I don't regret it," he went on. "I wished it went differently, though. As in they didn't hate me."
"You don't know that," I said soothingly. "They didn't say that. It came as a shock. Give them some time to work it in their heads. They come around."
"Like your Mom?"
"My Mom was shocked too, Gray. She's cool with it now, but then again, me and Teddy was all she had left, so it made her come around a lot faster. Imagine how it was for my mother? Her firstborn Chinese son is gay? Thank God for Teddy. Let's hope he can carry on the family name, although our last names are different, so I don't know how that will work."
Gray chuckled. "Rambling still, I see."
I kissed his chest and he sighed.
"She didn't like it at first either. She was worried about me being in future relationships and stuff. We had a lot of deep talks, some very embarrassing, but it got us to where we are today," I said. "It takes time," I reiterated.
"I guess," Gray said skeptically.
"Give them a chance, Gray. They produced someone as wonderful as you, they can't be that bad?" I said playfully.
"Oh you," Gray said laughing. "Always managing to make me feel better."
"I love you. That's my job," I quipped.
"I'll try to talk to them tomorrow. At least get some clothes and stuff. If it goes badly, can I stay over here for a bit?" Gray asked.
"Of course. You are always welcome here. My family loves you."
"In three weeks I'll have to head back to North Carolina for school. I hope they don't hate me anymore by then," Gray said sounding sad again. "I would never be able to focus knowing my parents hated me."
"Who can hate you, Gray? I don't think it's possible," I said.
"We'll see. We'll see," he sighed.
The conversation died and with the safe warmth of our conjoined bodies and the thick covers shielding us from the outside, we promptly fell asleep.