This is a continuation of a fictional account of my mission in France and Belgium during the early 1970s. Though many of the circumstances and events are real, this is a fictional account of what I would have liked to have happened.
Gary
---------------------------- Part XVII - Decisions
A million things ran through my mind the moment I saw President Brown and his assistants waiting for us in our apartment. I was glad it was half way clean. I hope the didn't feel the sheets in my bed! Did they know about what happened in Antwerp and were here to call us to repentance? Were they lost? I really didn't have a clue and any of the above reasons was just as likely as the next.
Elder M. extended his hand and greeted both Elders and then stepped over to the President who gathered Elder M. in his arms and embraced him. President Brown was, above all, a kind and focused Mission President even if he was real hand shaker. I shook the hands of the Assistants then waited until President Brown stepped over to me and embraced me warmly as well. At least, I thought to myself, it doesn't look like we're in trouble.
We exchanged some pleasantries. They were happy to hear of our baptism today and wanted to know all about Paul. All of them congratulated us again for the success we've been having and encouraged us to continue. Then President Brown looked at me and said, "Elder Roark, would you mind stepping outside with Elder Anderton and Elder Moulton? I'd like to speak with Elder Millett alone for a few minutes."
My heart missed a few beats but I went outside the apartment and stood on the landing with the Assistants. I was worried, frankly, that the President wanted to talk to Elder Millett about me. I kind of assumed he found out that I was gay and wanted to see if I had done anything to prove it to my companion. When you're in the closet, any source of anxiety is always directed inward.
Elder Anderton looked at his companion and then said, "Elder Roark, the President wanted to speak to Elder Millett alone because there has been a terrible tragedy involving his family. I'm not sure of all the details but as I understand it, Elder Millett's father and all of his brothers were killed in a rollover accident on a highway in New Mexico. Apparently, a drunk driver was involved and another car. His mother called the President a couple of hours ago. It happened this morning, about 2pm our time. She is now alone without any other family members around. I believe the President is going to let Elder Millett decide whether he wants to remain on his mission or return early to be with his mother with the option of returning sometime in the future or just remain at home. Overall, it's a terrible tragedy for Elder Millett. I'm glad I don't have to make that decision under these circumstances."
As Elder Anderton talked, his words bounced around in my head, exploding at various points, colliding with reality, creating havoc with each additional, meaningless word. My eyes began to tear up and I could barely breath. It was impossible to imagine what Elder Millett was feeling. I know how very close he was to both his father and all his brothers. I crumpled down on the step unable to bear the weight of the words spoken to me. My God, why hast thou done this to my companion? Why now? Punish me not him! Let me take this burden from my dear friend. Let me suffer. Elder Millett deserves more than this in his life.
Elder Anderton sat down next to me and put his arm around me. "Elder," he said slowly, "Elder Millett is going to need a steady and loving companion for the next day or so. He'll need you to be there for him. You'll need to be more than you are right now. You'll need to dig deep down and find the strength that you'll both need."
I just stared into space, concentrating on the light of the boulangerie across the street where we bought our bread every day. Before, I could respond to Elder Anderton, the door to our apartment opened and the President invited us to return.
As I crossed the threshold into the room, I could see Elder Millett on the edge of his bed staring at the floor. His eyes were red and he appeared vacant, unable to respond after such a blow. President Brown told me approximately what Elder Anderton had told me. Then he added, "I've given Elder Millett time to make a decision as to what he wants to do. If he wants, he'll be given an honorable release to return home to be with his mother. Or, if he feels it appropriate, he can stay here in Belgium and continue finish out the last six months of his mission. I've asked him to call me in Brussels tomorrow sometime and let me know what he's decided. Elder Roark, you'll need to call up some spiritual reserves in order to help your companion during the next day. I've given him a Priesthood blessing. Call me if you need me."
The words President Brown said passed through me. I just looked at my beloved companion and wished everyone would leave so this nightmare would go away. I realized that I needed to be the strength Elder Millett would need to make this decision. I looked at President Brown and said, "President, I'll do anything I can for my companion. If we need any help, I'll call you. Please don't worry about us."
"I know the Lord will bless both you Elders in this time of need. I know He'll comfort you." With those words, President Brown gathered his coat and the three of them quietly left the apartment to await our call the following day.
After the door closed behind them, I wasn't sure what I should do. I managed to gather my wits and go and sit next to Elder Millett on his bed. I didn't say anything and neither did he. I put my arm around his sunken shoulders and the two of us just sat there in the vacuum which was our apartment, emptiness was the overwhelming feeling. It was, indeed, the quiet before the storm.
Elder Millett didn't move a muscle for nearly an hour. Then, slowly, at first, then gaining in intensity, he began to moan then shout silent screams then stand up and with a rage I never knew he had, Elder Millett began to lash out at the universe and at the God that would allow such pain. He picked up the chairs and threw them across the room. He picked up my mattress and flipped it over. He pounded his fist on the wall and nearly put it through the door of the wardrobe. He was inconsolable and I remained on his bed as he let the Furies loose from the man he was inside. He would be still for a minute then turn quickly and continue his ranting. Slowly, his energy diminished and he wound down like a battery wearing out. He ended up on the floor, near my mattress. He had removed his outer clothing during the rage and was slumped there on the floor in only his garments. His hand covered his face. He began to sob.
I took off my coat and tie and shoes and walked over and sat next to him on the floor. I slowly put my arm around his shoulders and drew him into my bosom. His head was on my chest and his knees were up close. I cradled him in my arms and rocked him as he wept uncontrollably for half an hour. There was nothing else I could say or do. I loved this man more than anyone else on the earth yet his pain I could not share. So I rocked him as a child, caressing his hair and trying to calm him with a French hymn softly hummed into his ear. "Dors, dors, mon bel ange et je te dirai, comment le Sauveur vint sur terre habite." The comforting words of a Mendelssohn lullaby kept returning to my mind and I sang them softly to my companion.
Soon, Elder Millett just went limp in my arms and held onto my shirt which was wet from his tears. He still could not speak of the unspeakable.
I lifted him up and the two of us returned to his bed. I removed my outer clothing and turned off the light. We slept together in his bed. Without words, he allowed me to love him and comfort him. He sought out my face with his hands and placed his fingers on my lips. I kissed his fingers then brought him closer to me and kissed the back of his neck and his ears. On occasion, he would break out in tears again. I gently wiped them away with my thumb and held onto his upper chest. He turned his face towards mine and I put my cheek on his cheek and caressed his hair. Our lips sought out the other's with a need I had never experienced before. Gently, we kissed, our lips brushing by the lips of the other, our tongues briefly touching. There was a need here that wasn't sexual. It was human. The need to be loved and to love. We were not two men seeking sexual fulfillment but two humans finding in each other the will to survive. We then kissed with more feeling and eventually with great strength as our tongues explored the cavity of the other's mouth and played with the other's tongue. We breathed the other's breath. We swabbed the other's saliva. Without words, we gathered strength from the other and became stronger as one.
Elder M. put his head on my chest. He slowly removed the top of my garment so as to lay his head on my skin. I helped him by removing my garment completely and helping him remove his. He voluntarily helped remove the cloth between us so that our skin would be touching each other. We were together, as close as two people could physically be, naked, needing to feel the other's warmth, his hair, his sweat, his humanity. We touched the other looking for strength and hardness, finding bone and muscle. Our mouths learned the shape and contour of the other's chest and neck and arms. Our hands found the root of our manhood and the seed of our being. Without saying a word, our mouths circled the hard root of the other and slowly descended at the same time, filling our mouths and throat with manhood. There was now an urgency that exceeded even the sadness and rage before. An urgency to take from the other that which made him unique and make it our own. We both hungrily ravaged the other's cock and pulled on the other's balls and groaned and moaned and breathed but short breaths. As if scripted by some unknown play, the seed from our sacks rose and exploded into each other's mouth. The orgasmic energy brought about by this incredible need we both felt lifted our bodies and made us scream as we gathered in pulse after pulse of sweet cream from the other. Our bodies nearly convulsed with the incredible power of youthful orgasm. And slowly, we came back down and rested, nearly exhausted from the spent seminal event. Slowly, Elder M. turned his body around and climbed back up the bed to put his face near mine. We kissed gently and slowly exchanged the cum we had harvested from the other. It was an exchange and a promise. We exchanged the essence of being so that we were one person with two identities.
With the exchange was the implied promise of everlasting love. What we had just done was not just sex, though sex it clearly was. It was a joining of two men who needed the other more than they needed themselves. For without the other, the one was lost. Still, we have not spoken since the President left. We continue to lie there in Millett's bed, wrapped in each other's arms, naked and free from corruption. Elder M. gathered himself together and allowed me to once again envelope him.
We slept.
I think it was Elder M. who first stirred the following morning. Slowly the dawn crept into our room as the realization of all that had happened yesterday dawned on Elder M. His family was wiped out. His mother was alone. As he stirred, I woke up and stretched and yawned as well. Finally, Elder M. spoke to me.
"What do you think I should do?" he asked very sincerely.
"Elder, I don't know what to tell you. Of course, I'd like you to stay with me. But your mother needs you. I'm not sure how good a missionary you'd be after knowing what happened and after...well, after last night."
He understood what I was implying. How does one retain missionary fever after one has joined with another man in the way we joined last night? Elder M looked deeply into my eyes and said softly, "You are the most incredible person. I don't know exactly how it happened, but I know that I love you more than anything or anyone. I feel connected to you in ways I never thought possible. I want to stay with you. I never thought I could say this about another man but ... well... I need you like flowers need rain. I want you like I've never wanted anything in my life. My body wants your body. My lips want your lips. I'm totally devoted to you." With that, he leaned back and kissed me.
My heart was pounding. I always wanted to hear those words from another man. I wanted to belong to a man and have him need me and love me and draw strength from me. I wanted another man's body to make my body vibrate with love and sexual tension. I couldn't believe that I would hear them from the man I had been loving for nearly 5 months now. Here he was in my arms, kissing me, expressing his love for me. And yet...
"Look, Elder," I started. "I cannot tell you how emotional I feel right now. I love you and have loved you so much. Ever since I first met you at the train station in Liege, I've loved you. I've wanted you to be more than just a buddy. I wanted you to be my man, my lover, my very person." We kissed again and Elder M. brought his hand to my groin and played with my ever hardening cock. "But, we have to face a little reality here. Clearly, we can't live like this and be missionaries. Eventually, the President would move you and then I'd be miserable beyond belief. We've broken a few commandments here. The only way we're going to be able to be together is to both go home or run away to Greece with Paul but it's not going to be here on a mission."
We both were silent for a few minutes contemplating how to fulfill our passion for each other while in the current situation.
Elder M broke the silence first. "So, do you think I should return home to Mom and you finish off your mission?"
Even more, I thought I could return home with Elder M. and the two of us take care of his mother. But my parents would be mortified if I returned home early and it would hurt them deeply.
"Short of us running away right now and living on a beach somewhere, that seems to be the best plan. You return home now. That way you can help your mom become more independent. Then I'll return home in 14 months and join you in New Mexico and then we can take it from there. That way, I wouldn't have to worry about you falling in love with some other Elder if the President should transfer us which he's bound to do."
"Yeah, well, then how much should I worry about you and the next 2 or 3 companions you'd have between now and the time you came home." His voice was half serious.
"Elder, I've never experienced anything in my life like the feelings I have for you. I could never fall for someone like that again. I love you. I'm devoted to you. Please, don't even think for a second that I would find someone else.":
We talked for awhile about the possibilities of our plan. It seemed to make a lot of sense and provided for a future for the two of us together. We got excited and kind of forgot the reason it was happening, the tragedy of his father and brother's death. I didn't want to bring it up too often because I didn't want Elder M. to become morose again.
Finally, Elder M decided. "That's it then. I'll call the President and tell him I want to go home and take care of my mother. That would be great. I'm sure she really needs me right now and it would allow me to grieve for them. Then when you return home to Utah, you come see me and we'll start our life together. That feels good to me. How about you?"
I looked him in the eye. I could tell he was sincere and very committed to the plan. But we'd be apart for 14 months, maybe more, and many things could happen. However, it was the best thing for now. I eagerly agreed with him.
The two of us started dancing around the room. We were naked and hard and playful. We sang "I Feel Pretty" and other Broadway songs. We wrestled some and played games and finally just fell down on the bed into each other's arms, filled with love and hope, tinged with tragedy and reality. We began to make love again. I could tell from the richness of his lovemaking that he was serious about me and our situation. He truly loved me, I felt. I know I truly loved him.
We spent the entire day naked and alone together. We made love many times during that last day. But mostly, we became one person with one heart and one mind. We set our sights on the future.