Do you remember when you took me to Roscoe's? In Long Beach. You bought that old scale thing afterwards. Also the day I first interviewed for the job I got out here. Over the phone after you bought that scale thing.
We were supposed to go at noon. But like always, you texted me and said more like 1:30. Your husband needed his ass wiped or something I think. I think it was close to noon when you texted me too. I remember being so bothered by it. Not upset or annoyed or angry. Just bothered. Felt off. The frequency at which you were last minute texting "I'm running late and such". But also cause we had already discussed since the last time we saw each other that I had something I wanted to talk to you about. I was nervous and it confirmed more of what I knew. So I got bothered and went for a drive.
I was still going crazy from the last time we saw each other. It was when you took me with you to check out potential warehouses, the one you ended up leasing and the hippie one with the hippie woman who said it would become the next farmers market and you guys could even sell right out of the garage door, how she was even talking to a potential vendor to sell organic shit and someone to grow weed. The whole shabang she was saying. I wish I could just go back and tell her to shut up.
When we were finally done, I got in the car and you stayed outside to call your husband. But your phone was connected to the car so when he answered, it came through and I froze. I knew he was your "ex" and knew not to make my presence known. Stayed silent as he said your name three times. You got in the car eventually and talked to him through the Bluetooth even. I stayed silent the whole time. I even remember starting to panic I would have to sneeze. None of which bothered me really. I was like fuck him, you're mine now. But then you took him off speaker, said a few more things, and then hung up. But right before you hung up, you said I love you. Only you hid it in the "iluhyuh" mumble, even barely uttered it. So naturally he called right back to for the real version but you sent him to voicemail instead. I remember the exact feeling I felt in that exact moment the "iluhyuh" mumble you barely event uttered broke our bubble.
I wasn't necessarily surprised. I knew you were too good to be true. But I was bothered by it. Pretty badly too. But what really bothers me is the fact that I sucked your dick after. Cause you wouldn't take no for an answer and I refused to give you ass so you guided me to the couch where I just fell to my knees and made you finish with a bj for the first fucking time. I was all proud I finally did it and even though "iluhyuh" was still ringing in my ears, I was glad I did it.
But back to the text saying you'd be late. I got in my car and went for a drive. You ended up not being so long and texted me on your way much earlier than I thought. Oh and said be naked too. But I got home and stayed fully dressed. You knew we needed to talk so I felt it was fine. You showed up and immediately I could tell you knew something was off. Perhaps "iluhyuh" was still ringing in yours too? You even said I feel you don't want me here and brought up how I wasn't even naked and how you were bothered that I went for a ride when I knew you were coming. I said oh no, you're fine.
And we fucked.
Then you took me to Roscoe's and errands. Our usual date: fuck, me follow you to work, get food when wanted and provide ass when asked.
You asked at lunch if I wanted to talk about what it was I had to talk about but having just been dicked down, I wanted to live in euphoria a little bit longer so I said it can wait until we got back. I decided we were done after the talk cause why would I ever stay knowing what I knew in that moment. So we hung out for the rest of the day and you even came back and hung out with me on my patio where I finally got the courage to ask if you said I love you to him. You said yes, but just to keep the peace. Maybe true but knowing even more of what I know now, I'd say not. Said it was 100% over, that you would never have sex with him again, blah blah blah. You even threw out he helped me buy the bed as an excuse for why you still shared one. And my dumb, pathetic, blindly, madly, and happily in love ass said okay.
I stayed. Even weeks after, when you said it was more complicated with him. We were at that park you always took me to for big talks and I asked you if you wanted me to wait. You said you did. And I said I would.
And I still do.
But fuck, I wish I didn't.
I wish I didn't get naked and take it when you got there that day. I wish I said it's over. I really do. Now it's too late.
But the point is I knew then, before you even told me. I knew I would get my heart broken. I knew it would become toxic. And I knew you would never be mine. But I told myself I was wrong instead.
Then bent over and begged for it.
Now ain't that some shit.