Traveling Together

Note that this story is inspired by my previous story, "Traveling Alone." I've written this story as its own, independent tale—a story that explores what happens when you unexpectedly run into someone from your past. But the previous one provides additional insight into the characters' lives and perspectives. Enjoy!

Traveling can sure suck sometimes.

Man alive. it was like I was being hit with everything at once. Bad weather had delayed the first leg of my flight... and then, once we finally took off, continued to make it impossible for the flight attendants to do any kind of food or beverage service while we were in the air. The kid next to me was insanely squirrely, and his mom essentially spent the entire time in an anxiety-fueled panic, which by the end started spooking even me. The overall delay was bad enough that I missed my connecting flight—even though the fucking plane was right there!—and I couldn't get another until much later in the day.

Aaargh.

The thing was, I wasn't flying for the sheer joy of it—I was going to a work-related conference. Everything had been carefully timed. This stupid delay was going to blow out my chances of making tonight's opening keynote and would cut deeply into the reception that immediately followed. And that networking opportunity was more important to me than most of the break-out sessions and other fluff they were going to throw at us the following day. At this point, I was wondering if it was worth it to go at all.

Damn it.

Fuming, I decided to make my way over to the SkyLounge—the relative quiet there would give me a chance to plan my next steps, and maybe I could at least get some work done so the morning wasn't a total waste.

As I approached the entry, I could see a group of suit-clad businessmen were making their exit. Cool... hopefully, this would open up some spaces and give me a chance to set up camp.

Huh. You know, it's kinda funny... I mean, walking towards them, the good-looking guy in the middle caught my attention. That in and of itself was surprising; lothario that I am, it's usually good-looking women who attract my roving eye. But this guy stood out. Radiating... well, not exactly command, but definitely a sense of confidence, which was particularly evident in the way the others looked at him. It sounds like such a weird thing to say, but he was... well, manly. In that best, classic sense. Easy masculinity with strong precise gestures and displaying a clear sense of purpose. I'd guess I'd put him in his 30s, like me. Even in his suit, you could tell he took care of himself, with a nice athletic build. A regular Harry Hotspur. Huh. His fine, longish hair was swept back, giving him a playful, casual, even impish look, despite his aura of strength. A tight, corporate beard. But the really curious thing was his eyes. They were darker—maybe brown? It was not evident from the distance—but with a crackle of life to them. And goddamn he was handsome. Aw shit, can I legit call another guy "handsome?" But... there it was.

I mean, the whole thing was odd... I can't imagine having ever crossed paths with this burgeoning corporate titan, but he almost seemed familiar. Strangely enough, he almost looked...

...he... looked...

...almost...

...he looks like...

Oh God.

Jesse?

Oh. My. God.

No! Impossible! There's no way... what was I thinking? Not after all this time, all these years. No. I mean, he didn't match the memories of that man, not exactly but... yeah? Older. Coming into his own. But... I couldn't... he couldn't... No! Yes? Wait. I can't get ahead of myself... there's no way it could actually be...

Despite my mind telling me it couldn't possibly be Jesse from 17 years ago, I was dimly aware that however unconsciously, my pace forward had rapidly increased, right along with my heart rate. By the end I think I was sprinting. My mind was desperately trying to stop me, to make me think logically. My body, however, was in full rebellion... instinctively, furiously outstripping my mind.

Jesse?

The movement of my approach must have caught the guy's eye, which casually drifted over in my direction before gliding back to his companions...

Then he stopped. His head snapped back towards me. Mouth frozen in mid-word.

No doubt. No one else would have started like that. No fucking doubt in the world: Jesse.

Jesse.

A man seared into my memory forever.

Holy. Fucking. Shit.

Thunderstruck by the recognition my body slammed to a halt, directly in front of him. Jesse. A man who had years ago shattered my happy, contained universe. A man with whom I...

...I had shared...

...shared...

Oh God.

We stood there. Gaping at each other. Unbelieving.

"Noah? Is that... Goddamn, is that you?"

There was an awkward pause as we stood there in befuddled shock. Do I... shake his hand? Do I...

Jesse solved the issue by slamming into me with a bear hug that about took the wind out of me. My arms enfolded him. Instinctively remembering the feel of him, after all this time.

And my body involuntarily shuddered. To its core.

The feel of him... feeling the same... weight of him that had so staggered me. The weight and feel of a man's body. And with it, the feel of that hug... oh God. I was feeling those same arcs of electricity from before. That same... the feeling... inside of me...

But it was more than just the feel of him. As my face lodged against his, right where his ear met his neck... amidst the pressure of his arms, and the wild electricity coursing through us, I could...

...I could...

...smell him...

It was a scent that had been so comprehensively, so ineffably seared into my DNA that the lightest trace of it ripped apart memory, ripped apart composure, ripped apart all conscious thought. Somewhere deep inside me, doorways into the hidden recesses of my body and mind, rusty and immovable from disuse, suddenly blew open, letting in long-forgotten sunshine into the secret places of my being. I could feel it physically. An avalanche of images and sensations.

That scent of him, dusky, when we first bro-hugged, living large on an incredible day way back when. That scent of him, hungry, later that night when we staggered home after striking out with the ladies at the nightclub. That scent of him, primal, later still when against all expectation I was pressed against his body and...

Shit, what was I thinking? A sense of propriety jolted me back into the here-and-now. We pulled apart. I tried to focus, to make sense of the riot of confused thoughts and emotions that were buffeting me from all sides. He was laughing. His meaty hand gripping my shoulder. "Guys!" he said, looking around to his companions, "This is Noah! I can't believe it! We met back in college, in a tiny surfing town in Costa Rica at the literal end of the road. God! We had..." I noticed a delicate pause, barely noticeable. "...a wild weekend with the best seafood, the best beach, and this insane bar that blasted out music at the threshold of pain. One of the best weekends of my life!"

The enthusiasm caught fire, shaking me out of the paralysis of shock. Just as it had all that time ago. His gusto for life once again swept me up, propelled me forward. Forcing me to match his energy. Bringing our energies together.

My mind and my mouth finally caught up with each other. "God we thought we were hot stuff!" I gushed. Jesse's eyes flashed with humor. "Jesse and I thought we were a pair of real Casanovas! It was a crying shame both of us struck out at that bar, leaving us to drown our sorrows with rum so bad it tasted like kerosene!"

Everyone laughed, Jesse most of all. And as they started busting his chops, it struck me that this was the first time I ever mentioned that weekend out loud. Ever. To anyone. Seventeen years, sealed deep. But now blasting free at last.

I looked at him. Time had been good to him. As I first noted, he filled out that suit nicely, and the way it hung on him I could tell that much of his athletic frame was still very much intact. His face was...more angled. Harder even, despite the boyish smile. No longer a 20-year-old's face.

But damn... he's still the best-looking man I've ever met in real life. Damn.

But, what do I say now? Does he remember me? I mean, okay he obviously remembers me, but does he... remember me? Do I live rent-free in his head, the way he has lived in mine?

"Jesse, I can't believe it. So... well, how have the last few hundred years or so gone? And hey, where are you heading off to?"

"Noah, my man, we seem to make it a habit of passing like ships in the night. We're heading to Pittsburgh for a big sales pitch. In fact, we're just heading to the gate now; we'll probably start boarding in the next 15 minutes or so."

"Ah," I said, trying to disguise how crestfallen I was. "My plane got delayed, and I'm stuck here maybe through dinner. Work is sending me to Miami for a training conference." Shit. Fifteen minutes? No time at all. Clasping at anything I could, just to hold onto the moment just a minute longer, I blurted out the first thing that came to mind. "Do you mind if I walk to the gate? I'd got nothing but time."

Jesse gave the slightest of pauses as he looked at me, but then jumped in, "Hey man, absolutely. Guys, why don't you go ahead. Wow, Noah, I can't believe it's you. It's too bad we can't grab a drink and catch up. At least we'd have better rum than we had in that shithole of a nightclub!"

His group stated moving, but we dropped back.

And... silence.

Damn. I spent the first few years after our fateful meeting wondering what I would say to him if I ever saw him again, even knowing there was likely no way we'd ever cross paths. Hell, for a time I wished I could see him again so fervently, so achingly badly... as if I could somehow will a reunion into being just from the force of my desire. How many times had I thought through every word I'd say? Thought through exactly how things would go? Mulling every possible scenario again and again with excruciating care. And it wasn't just idle thinkery—how many times had I savagely jerked myself off thinking about what I would say, and what he would say back...?

But for all that, 17 years is a long time. Years ago, I had finally resigned myself to the fact that what we had was nothing but a stolen moment together. Just a dream. The rational side of me long ago made peace with the fact that we would never meet again. I acceded to logic, and forced thoughts of him down. Suppressed them—knowing both that it was futile to dwell on them, and that obsessing over the past would do nothing but stunt my present. In the end, I tried to block thoughts of him from my mind. I really did try. And generally, I succeeded.

Not entirely, however. Thoughts of meeting Jesse one more time would still bubble up unbidden over the years, like water from an artesian well.

But in all my thinking, in all my daydreams and nightdreams, I never, ever considered a scenario where I would meet him completely surrounded by friends and co-workers as he dashed off to catch a plane. How could I say... what could I say in these few fleeting minutes, in front of an audience? What, after all this time, did I even want to say? Hell, what did I even feel? My feelings... so jumbled. My memories spinning.

Was he as disoriented as I was? Shit... had he just as ruthlessly locked away his memories, his feelings? Had he spent the last 17 years trying to forget what happened? Or did he, too, studiously remember that it had been exactly 17 years since we said goodbye?

Shit. Noah, you're overthinking things. The clock is running. Forget your grandiose plans and long-suppressed fantasies—just talk to the guy. We didn't have long.

"It's really good to see you again, Jesse... you look great! Great! I mean, well... yeah, you look great!" Ugh. That's all I could say?

"You're looking good yourself! Looks like you hit the gym regularly." Somehow, I guess the banality of my conversation hadn't put him off. Not yet. Think, Noah... think!

"What? No... I have a total dad bod!" What the fuck, Noah? What did you say that for? I tried to smooth things over. "I... mean, I try. The gym helps. It's a place where I can let my thoughts go and... you know, keep me grounded. Plus... um... I like working out." Oh God. Not any better.

"Yeah..." he mused. He sounded somewhat distracted.

Okay, I couldn't help but observe there was... I don't know, a hesitancy in our conversation. Like we were fishing for what to say. Damnmit. That had never happened with us before. Hell, way back when, he was the easiest person to talk to. Is he scared? I'm scared shitless. Say something.

I tried a different tack. "But hey, look at you, all in a suit and tie. You cleaned up good! So what do you do?" Dammit. Was that all I had? Smallest of small talk?

"Ah, yeah... I'm the COO of our family business. Cue the jokes about nepotism!"

"Wait, you have a family business?" Somehow in all our endless conversations about the world, ourselves, and the future, Jesse never mentioned that his family had a business.

Jesse sheepishly looked down. "Yeah, well... back then, I was trying to escape it. Desperate to avoid being sucked in. My old man fully expected me to come on board, and I wanted nothing to do with it. That's actually how I ended up in that sea-side dive down in Costa Rica. I bailed out of college to try and find myself. My dad fixed things so I was technically on a 'gap year.' But the truth is, I was running. Running and thinking and trying and... hiding. I loved being away from all the expectations. That cage of my life. And you... well, you never treated me like the Crown Prince or anything. I was just Jesse. We were just running around like a couple of normal guys. I didn't... I thought... I... appreciated that. Just being myself was one of the most liberating things I'd ever done."

"Man," I breathed out. "I had no idea. You were so... put together. Like you had everything under control."

Jesse looked at me, giving me a half-smile. "You thought so? Huh. I thought you had everything under control. You knew what you wanted and were going for it. Had the balls to pick up and study abroad in a foreign country, and challenge yourself to take on the world. I was totally envious of you."

I grinned. "If I gave any impression of having things under control, it was all youthful bravado. God we were young!"

"That we were!" he sighed, smiling. After a pause, he continued. "Yeah, I guess I... well, that trip... Huh. I guess I've always seen it as the end of my youth. After you left, I decided was done dicking around and went home. My dad couldn't have been prouder. I joined the family business and put my nose to the grindstone to get ahead. Rose up through the ranks. And, at least I can say I earned it." At this point, Jesse paused imperceptivity, and jumped topics. "But who cares about me, what about you? Man, back then you were like ready to take on the whole world! What are you up to nowadays?"

"Ah. Where to start? Well, stayed with international relations and economic development, and even got a job in the government. But I hated the restrictions and the fact that my life was constantly at the mercy of whatever political winds were blowing. I got a chance to join a consulting group, with much better pay, and am still in the thick of it. Helping communities around the globe."

"Hey man, that's great!" Jesse enthused. "That's absolutely perfect for you. I remember you talking about wanting to make a difference in the world... man, it made your eyes shine. And you totally nailed it!"

I chuckled. "You... remember all that? God, I was such an idealist back then. Now it feels like I'm nothing but a bitter cynic, drowning in red tape and warning people of every little thing that's going to go wrong. A fucking Cassandra."

"Nah, man. I refuse to believe it. You're a romantic at heart. Sure, maybe you've been burned a few times, but that's only because you care so much."

I... didn't even really know how to respond. It was so surreal. I mean, at first, I was scared to think Jesse wouldn't even remember me. But... he did. I mean, it was almost like... like, he was holding onto a vision of me, my best self. A vision of myself that I had stopped seeing in the mirror. A vision of me untouched by disappointments and compromises. Of caring too much and getting burned for it.

I turned the tables on him. "Okay, but isn't that the same thing for you? You were so... curious. Always reaching. You were all restless energy, as if you couldn't wait go out and make your mark on the world. I mean, just spending time with you I felt like I was on the adventure of a lifetime. Like maybe, even a guy like me could do something... um..." I trailed off, not sure what I was saying. Not sure where my mind was. Certainly not sure where his mind was. Finally, I concluded with a generic "...yeah, it was great."

There was a natural pause. I wasn't sure if I'd overstepped. In my discomfort, I decided to rip the band-aid off about something I had noticed right away. "So, I see a wedding ring on your hand. I'm guessing you found the right girl?"

Jesse drew a veeery long breath. "Yeah," he said, without a whole lot of conviction. "That was the other way my family roped me in. Bernadette and I were high school sweethearts. We drifted apart in college, somewhat by design... I mean, how can you spend your whole life with a person you've been dating since you were both 16? We agreed to date other people, but I knew my family had pegged her as the girl I would one day marry. From the best family. With the right connections. The right hobbies. After I got back from my extended roadtrip, my dad all but ambushed us by having this little soirée to re-introduce us. It made sense. We were the perfect match, and everyone was so happy for us. Both our families pushed hard. So, I agreed to settle down with her. It works well for us; she has her job, sits on a couple of nonprofit boards, keeps a great loft downtown for when she... when she needs it." The thought kinda trailed off. He roused himself after a moment. "We have two kids, boy and a girl... here!" Jesse called up photos on his phone and passed it over. Good looking kids. In fact, they looked just like him. Lucky. I noted he didn't show me a picture of his wife. "What about you?"

"Ah, here are my kids. My oldest is 15." He obligingly looked at my pictures and made an appropriate fuss over them. "But, I'm divorced, several years now."

"Ah man, I'm sorry," Jesse responded. From the tone in his voice, he meant it. "A couple guys on my team went through that the past year, and it really sucked. I know the whole process really takes a toll on you." His head bowed. Then softly, "Sorry to hear that. Really."

"Thanks, really. But... it was for the best. Funny, we started well. Got together right after I graduated college. She got pregnant, and... well, it seemed like the right thing to do. Things worked for a while; but in the end, we probably shouldn't have gotten married in the first place. We work out much better now, co-parenting the kids. She's got a new guy in her life, she likes him, the kids like him, and hell even I don't mind him. I'm happy for her, truly. But me? I'm... still looking."

Jesse turned wistful. "Things sure turned out differently than we expected."

I reflected. "It's funny, you essentially called that trip the end of your youth. I guess, I... well... I've always seen it... as a start, not an end. I chuckle about you thinking my job is a natural extension of my personality. Like the culmination of who I am. That trip really brought all that into focus. It made me... well, I guess it made me brave enough to go after what I wanted. Yeah, some things like the marriage didn't work out, but I've never regretted seizing the day. I think a lot of that came from... being with you. You really rubbed off on me."

Jesse slowed. I looked over at him, he was looking ahead. An implacable expression. Shit, I'd probably said too much. Prudence would have suggested I let it drop, but something propelled me forward. "Can I just say, you really brought out the best of me, and that's been... shit. I don't want to sound weird, but... well, it's a gift that keeps giving. You changed my life. For the better."

Here, Jesse stopped walking altogether. Looking down. I thought, now you've done it, you idiot. You've said too much. But Jesse did speak up again. In hushed tones that belied the power of his words. "That's how you think of me? That's... that's it, isn't it?"

"Well... yeah. Look, I don't want to say anything out of turn, but... yeah. In my mind's eye, I still see you as a vibrant, wonderfully cocky bastard who knew how to live. I never forgot our time together. Hanging out with a great guy, sharing beers and dreams, watching that sunset on the beach..."

There was a long pause. His voice... enervated. Disembodied. "That was one of the best times of my life, really. I... haven't thought about it in a long time. Funny, isn't it?" Another pause. He half-breathed out a chopped chuckle. "I haven't let myself think about it. I figured you had put it behind you, and I needed to, too."

Guys usually talk side-to-side, or at right angles to each other. Not now. Not after all this time. I stepped so I was right in front of him. Looking in his eyes. "I tried," I said simply. My voice nearly inaudible. "Maybe even thought I had. But sure as hell, I can see it didn't work. You really... I mean, you really..."

A harsh, amplified voice brought us up short. "Attention, passengers on flight 2424, we're..."

Jesse snapped back into reality. He looked around and realized we were at his gate, his guys were clustered nearby, flipping through their phones, shuffling through their stuff and starting to stack their gear. He looked back at me, with a wild look. "Shit, Noah. I've gotta go."

My throat clenched. Memories. Memories of a mirror opposite goodbye. Me giving him a quick last hug all those years ago as we went our separate ways.

You're an idiot, I thought to myself. An idiot who said goodbye.

I was so fucking young back then. And cocky. With a young man's sure belief that everything would turn out for the best. Of course it would! So sure that everything was still ahead of me. An endless horizon, so no need to stop right then. Dreams were cheap enough to waste. Friends and lovers were in endless supply, right? Sure, my time with him was magical, but I was firm in my belief that a sad goodbye would be—would necessarily be—followed up by something better. Cocky, and untested. Still unfamiliar with the crushing calculus of choices and decisions. Unschooled in the way life ruthlessly prunes away tree branches you never got to climb. Closes down roads before you ever noticed that they were there, and had a chance to decide whether you wanted to travel down them or not.

Back then, the whole future was before me. And I was fucking careless.

A fucking Idiot.

You've learned now, haven't you Noah? You're quite familiar with dead ends and lost opportunities and...

Wait. No. Life hasn't closed all roads. Hasn't pruned back all branches. Not yet. And I refuse to be a passive spectator in my own life.

I don't know what Jesse thought of me. What Jesse thought about what happened... but God as my fucking witness, I was not going to be so careless now.

"Hey Jesse," I barely recognized my voice. "I... we... um, I'd really like to catch up. To really catch up. I mean, more than a couple minutes in an airport. Could we trade..."

He eagerly looked at me. In his excitement to respond, Jesse's words overlapped mine. "I was going to ask you the same thing!" Jesse relaxed as the words left his mouth, but there was still an... intensity to him. His expression. His body language. I wrenched his phone out of his hand, furiously entered in my contact info and sent myself a text. He took the phone back, clutching it tightly. Tightly. "Noah? Look. I want to... there's so much... Look, our presentation is over lunch, and I know I'm tied up through dinner. The rest of the guys are heading right back home, but I'd planned to stay the night in Pittsburgh. Can I Facetime you after dinner? Can we say 7:00?"

"Yeah, absolutely!" I gushed. God. It was like everything was happening so fast, like everything around me was in fast forward. I was feeling... light... in my stomach. Shit, was I feeling giddy?

"I'll call you. And if... if something comes up or there's a change, I'll message you. That okay? We on?"

"Definitely!" I laughed. "No, seriously! We're good. Go! Get outta here already! Make your deal! You know you're gonna have them eating out of your hand!"

"Hell yes!" There he was, that perfect vision of masculinity I remembered. The way I remembered him. He instinctively jutted out his hand to shake mine, and I just as reflexively took it.

And then I felt it.

A... bolt... of... electricity...

Oh God. Oh my fucking God. His touch, the bare touch of his beefy hand gripping mine... it fucking jolted me. Like nothing I'd experienced before. Oh God. OHGODOHGODOHGOD. Undone. My stomach doing somersaults. Every nerve ending in my body instantly fried...

...except for my balls... which unexpectedly churned to life.

OHGODOHGODOHGOD.

He glanced around at his companions, then faced me again. And then I heard it. Jesse, leaning towards me, murmured with quiet intensity: "Noah... I... remember."

I couldn't look away from him. Wrench my eyes from his face. And under the intensity of my stare, I could see... a physical transformation. Jesse's color rose... not blushing, but... flushing. His eyes darkening. He shifted his stance. Pulling back his hips, twist-turning to hide his...

But more than anything, it was the smile Jesse gave me right then. I... I can't—I won't describe it. It hit me too hard, too deeply. But I can say this: the smile he gave me before turning toward the gate will stay with me forever.

I don't even remember him saying goodbye and boarding the plane.

I realized several minutes later I was still standing there, watching the plane fill. All those people. Boarding. Not even aware of the prince of a guy who was on the plane with them. A man who was a fucking vision of masculinity. Vital manhood. I stood there, anchored to the floor... watching as the crew rolled back the gangway, and the plane pushed back for takeoff and was gone.

Leaving me alone. Again.

I was reflecting again on how 17 years ago, our positions were precisely reversed... I had turned and bolted to catch a bus that would take me away from that tiny beach town where we had randomly found ourselves, and back to finish up my study abroad intensive in Costa Rica's capital. Away from that tropical paradise where we shared an incomparable weekend. Back to my studies, my friends, and the rest of my life. My "real" life.

Was he flying as high as I was back then? God, sitting on that return bus, I was so full of myself—my experiences so fresh, so overpowering, that I couldn't keep two thoughts together.

Memories. That weekend we spent together. Each of us happy to have found a like-minded bud... and somewhat improbably, something deeper. Wind and waves and cold beer, getting to know each other. The hours drifted by, and never for a second did we get tired of each other's company. I don't know when I'd had such a good time before. With basic anonymity, I felt free to be myself. No worries about the long-term, but just savoring the moment. And... it really built up my confidence hanging out with Jesse. It was like he was seeing me as the best version of myself, like he thought I was somehow this incredible guy. He laughed at my jokes. Listened to my stories. Instinctively took my side as I talked about things. But... he pushed me, too. Got me to think about things I hadn't thought of before. Urging me not settle, but to stay true to myself. We covered everything, relationships, parents, life plans, most embarrassing moments, girlfriends...

...sex...

We had an endless, rolling conversation about sex, what it meant, what we were looking for. None of the puffed-up, one-upmanship with my beer buddies, but real talk.

It was the best day of my life. Male bonding at its finest.

I think the moment that captured everything about that day was when it got near dusk, and we were looking at the sun over the water, laughing about some stupid story I told. Just at sunset, that golden time of day, with wind and waves and me drinking the last of our beers. He had his left arm draped around my shoulders, his right patting my chest as he howled in laughter. I looked at him. His eyes. Brown, but golden in the light. His eyes were laughing as much as he was. Golden. A million miles deep. Filling me up with his golden light... I felt like a million bucks. Like I was... like, glowing.

That day was so good it almost eclipsed what happened that night. Aww shit, who am I kidding—nothing beats that night. In the wake of our notable failures to pick up women at the nightclub, a different kind of connection was building between us. Slowly. Relentlessly. My mind filled with long-suppressed memories, the kind I rarely let myself savor. Thinking back about how inexplicable, electric feelings I had never felt towards a guy before started to wash over me. How walking back to our hellhole of a hotel, I stumbled and fell into him. Tangled. Breathing in his scent. God... his scent. I couldn't help it—I was almost hard by the time we got back to our rooms. Together. Close. And then... he kissed me. I tried to wave him off, stupidly saying I wasn't gay. But it didn't matter. He kissed me. Again. And I kissed him back. And he awoke sensations that ripped me apart, body and soul. His scent. His taste. His feel—the scratch of his stubble, the hot sleekness of his sweat, the frictioned burn of our chest hair... It all came together as we fucked each other again and again with a violence I've never experienced in my life, before or after.

No. Not violence. An... energy. Raw masculine energy, a mighty force unleashed. But it wasn't violent...

...how could something that beautiful be called "violent?"

And the physicality of that experience shattered me. My first time fucking a man had opened a whole new world of experiences for me. A new world of masculinity and masculine sexuality. I had always thought of gay sex as something... weak. Effeminate. Something you do because there was no other choice. No. We fucking wanted it. In all its barbaric glory. It's funny—the approach all the women in my life had always taken was to just sat back and take it, but Jesse was all in. Pushing hard. Pushing me to go harder. Strength on strength. Strength calling to strength. Sweatier. Rougher. We drove each other on, harder and harder. Whole body fucking... our hands, our skin, our mouths, our hair, everything all together. Raw aggression.

But as night became morning, we surprisingly slowed. Slowed to make sure we both could wrench every single sensation out of our experience.

And then, the ending. When all the aggression burned away, but all the passion remained, he kissed me. I mean, we had been kissing the entire time, but that was... different. He really kissed me...

God, I almost had forgotten that kiss. No, not forgotten; I had stopped letting myself remember it. Too hurtful. And too close to my heart and soul. I wanted to cherish it, but in the end, it always brought... pain. I hated how that kiss had ruined kissing forever. Kissing Jesse...

...kissing...

I shook my head, shaking me back to the present. I crashed down into a nearby seat near the now-vacant airport gate he had just departed from. Hard as a rock. God. I haven't been this hard since he... God.

Half in a stupor, I fled to the restroom. Cold water. I washed my hands, splashed my face, and looked at the visage staring back at me from that idiot mirror. A face so similar, and yet completely different from the face of 17 years ago. God. The enormity of everything spread before me. The realization. This was... so real I could physically feel it. It wasn't a distantly remembered crush. It wasn't a soft-drift into nostalgia. God help me. I had tried so confidently, so decisively to sweep this under the table.

But it was still there.

And then, a new horrifying thought began creeping over me. In the intervening years, I had built up this whole vision of myself, an established version of myself for all the world to see. A mighty, public persona. I had carefully constructed it around what I believed about myself. What I should believe about myself. Well-ordered, and socially acceptable. My dreams, my emotions, carefully bound to serve this acceptable vision I had of myself and what I thought I should be like.

Gay attraction certainly had no part of it. No. Nothing. Nothing at all to see here, keep moving.

But... now? In light of everything?

What could I say? God, I really was an idiot.

In that moment, I could see the full scope of my idiocy. The enormity of it my galactic folly. That... jolt while hugging Jesse? The electricity I felt when I shook his hand? The shock I felt just from smelling him? It made mincemeat of everything. I realized my entire vision of who I was and what my life was about had been built on a cracked foundation. Seventeen years of life were... they were all... a fraud. And now a different truth, the real truth, was right there looking back at me from among the ruins of my self-image. Mocking me in my stupidity. Truth, and true feelings, were staring me in the face.

I ran into a stall, barely making it before throwing up my breakfast and my entire sense of self.

Seventeen fucking years of pain I didn't even realize I was holding on to, finally released at once. My stomach shaking wildly from the force of finally being unclenched.

Jesse.

Oh God.

This couldn't be the end of the story. There was still time for the real story, the real me to unfold, wasn't there? Jesse said he'd call. Was he serious? Did his memories hit him as hard as mine had hit me? Was he sitting on that plane, trying to talk through this or that point of their presentation with his colleagues... with the seat tray down in a desperate attempt to hide his raging hard on? Or did he not care at all? Was he just trying to brush me off? Was his promise to call me just a diversionary tactic, so he could make a break for it and slide right back to his wife and family before I ruined everything?

I had to know.

God. Oh God. How long until he called?

As the hour for the promised call approached, I was a basket case. Unable to think. My body awash in feelings I thought I had long outgrown. Queasy. My leg bouncing wildly. Why wasn't he calling? My brain desperately attempting to calm me, telling me of course it was too soon for him to call, of course he was still hob-nobbing with his clients. Doing his thing. Of course they'd be just as captivated with him than I had been. Wouldn't they delay him even more? It was still too soon. It would be some time yet before...

Wait! There was the phone!

OH GOD. The phone! Scaring me so bad I almost shouted. My stomach twisting into knots as I looked at who it was... please... I know it's too soon, but please... let it be...

Jesse

Jesse!

Oh fuck. Oh God. Ohfuck.OhGod.Ohfuck.OhGod.Ohfuck.OhGod.

Be cool, Noah. I answered. As breezily as I could. "Hey Jesse! You called! I mean, shit, of course you called. Of course I knew you were going to call. And you called. You actually called! I wasn't sure if you were going to call... I mean..."

A Jesse laugh. Honest and real. "Well, fuck you, too... yes, I was going to call! In fact, we ended a bit early, but I was afraid you'd be busy earlier with your training. I waited as long as I could stand it, and to get settled into my room so no distractions. But I've been looking forward to this all day—you have no idea. Does now work for you?"

"Yeah," I stated forcefully. And then added even more forcefully, "Where are you?"

"Hmm? Pittsburgh, like I said. The presentation went really..."

"No," I cut him off, way too wound up for pleasantries. "Which hotel? I'm in a rental car. I've left the cell lot at Pittsburgh International and am driving down I-279, towards downtown."

"You... you're... in Pittsburgh...?"

"Look, I should've asked. No, I'm not trying to stalk you. But your smile at the airport about killed me. And Facetime wasn't going to cut it. Not after 17 years. I spent a small fortune to change my flight. Which hotel?"

Jesse's voice had a haloed, abstracted sound to it. "I'm... at the Omni..."

"Got it. Maps says that's 18 minutes away. Which room?"

There was a pause—I gather Jesse was trying to gather his wits. "Seriously? You mean... 18 minutes? Shit. Holy shit. HOLY FUCKING SHIT."

"I'm on the road. What's the room??"

"Noah, look. You need a key card to use the elevators. Just... come by main reception. I'll meet you in the lobby by the elevators to the left. We can figure out things from there."

There was a vast, all-encompassing silence as everything sunk in. A fleeting second thought brushed the rational side of my brain. "Jesse, seriously, is this cool? I'm not trying to freak you out, I just really needed to talk to you. And that's it, just talking is fine. Whatever you feel comfortable with. I don't want to do anything to..."

"Just get here. So, like in 17 minutes now?"

"Think it's now down to 11. Speeding. Hanging up."

I have no actual memory of parking my rental car. I hope to Heaven I didn't just throw it into park and leave it in the street, but I didn't really care. I ran through the lobby. Where did he say? Wildly swing my head. Where? Trying to orient myself. Trying to lock onto... damn it, where...?

A nearby elevator door opened, and there he was.

Jesse.

He filled my vision. Filled my entire perception. It was like everything telescoped into focus, solely and entirely on him. He was dressed simply, wearing a gray T-shit and lounge shorts with a pair of flip flops. His eyes crackled with manly vitality. His fine hair, swept back with casual, masculine grace. His athletic build filling his clothes. Without the suit, I could see that his muscular frame had maybe softened some, but overall it was sill belaying the inexorable crush of time. All his physical power was sharply evident.

So was the enormous bulge tenting his poor, unfortunate shorts.

Jesse wasted no effort. No pause whatsoever. He physically grabbed my shirt with both hands, pulled me into the elevator, swiped his room key... and slammed his mouth against mine even before the doors shut.

I guess the idea of "just talking" had clearly gone away to join the choir eternal.

The kiss. It was a kiss that somehow managed to overwhelm all my senses simultaneously, hitting me from all directions at once. His taste. The growl he made. The scratch of his beard. His fucking smell. Glorious. All-consuming. Raw with masculine fire. His lips sliding, his tongue going after my mouth like a back hoe. Hands everywhere... he slid his meaty paw down my back, past my pants' waistband, while I reached down into his shorts to start fisting his hairy cock, wet with precum...

WAIT

I pushed him back, barely containing his animal ferocity. "The fucking security cameras..." I hissed.

"They've seen worse," Jesse growled before his mouth overmasted mine once again. I was barely able to breathe, and in that exact minute I couldn't have cared less. I swallowed my fear, along with Jesse's tonsils, and went after him even harder than he had come after me. Meeting him man to man. My onslaught started pushing him back. I could feel his right leg raise and start to hook around my thigh...

Thankfully, for us and the security cameras, the doors opened and we sprinted to Jesse's room, our granite-hard cocks pointing the way. The card reader whined and blinked red. He tried it again. No dice. I wrenched the key out of Jesse's hands and slammed it down, and was seconds from wrenching the lock off with my bare hands. Perhaps afraid for its mechanical life, the door meekly complied and finally opened for us. We managed to wrangle ourselves inside...

And then we both chose violence.

Jesse and I had gone after each other hard in Costa Rica. But that was nothing like the savagery we unleashed on each other now. It was less a reunion and more a physical assault. His mouth, God, filling me. Wet. Hot. His tongue reaching so far in I felt like I was choking on it. But there was more. His hands, everywhere. Crushing me. Terrifying me with the strength his fingers could bring to bear. And I was right there with him. Reaching behind his head. Grip-pulling his hair as it twisted around my fingers. The scruff of his beard tearing at my skin, while his chest was crushing me like an avalanche.

All elemental reminders that I was kissing a man.

Jesse broke away for a moment, as we desperately gasped for breath, and then slammed back against me again. And again. Mauling, separating briefly for breath, then re-mauling each other.

Finally, I definitively broke, and slid my mouth wetly against that spot where his ear joined his neck. I remembered that spot from before. Remembered the way his body shuddered when I hit it. Remembered the unholy sound he made when I did so. Of course I remembered—those things fueled my jackoff fantasies for years. I was pleased that he responded precisely the same way, with a full-body convulsion and a bellow that about shattered my eardrums.

Fuck yeah.

But I wasn't just doing that for his benefit.

There. Jesse's scent.

I remember how strong it was there. And now, it was even stronger—made more intense from the long, pressure-packed day he had. God. His scent filled me. Dusky. It was... like... almost reminding me of my favorite baseball glove: very old leather, oil, dirt, and sweat. Masculine.

His smell exploded my being, sparking a billowing red fire inside me that incarnadined the gray existence I had been living in for the past 17 years.

But it wasn't enough. I needed more. Much more. I pulled back, surprising him. I grabbed his T shirt and vigorously hauled it up. His arms instinctively raised over his head as I did so; and as I pulled, I got a flash of his hairy armpits. Years back, I had stumbled into him as we made our way home, ending up with my face in those scruffy pits. That sharp scent—sweat and burned spices—is what set me off, and launched me into the world of savage man sex that followed. God, his pits. I never admitted to that little kink, even to myself—it was a terrible secret that I could never share with anyone.

But now, I got to experience it again. All of it. Entire.

I desperately breathed him in. His smell searing me. My mouth dug through his pit hair, my spit running together with his sweat. Overthrowing my mind. His masculine scent unleashing a surge of testosterone through my body, firing my hunger just as it had done 17 years ago. I swept wildly through one side, and went after the other. Face deep in him, as he desperately tried to free himself from his gray T-shirt over his head.

I was too excited, too desperate to reconnect with every part of him. Oh God, his chest! His mighty, hairy chest! Just as I remembered. Wrenching myself away from his pits, I went after his hairy nipples, sucking them hard... maybe even too hard. NNNGGGHHHHHHHHAAA! I wasn't sure which of us was making that primeval sound. Fire. Fire in my guts as I swept my stubbled chin across his furry pecs. The combination of my wet mouth and rough-edged scruff calling out of him a hissed growl and a string of profanities.

More. I needed more. I slurred my way down his torso. Jesse clutching my shoulders hard enough to break bones. I made out with his navel, whipping my tongue around and around.

...his rock-hard cock jabbing me in the neck as I moved, demanding to be freed...

There would be time for niceties later. Right then, I needed his cock. Now.

With a violent jerk, I wrenched his shorts off entirely. Suddenly freed from the offending fabric, his dick slapped against his shaggy midriff. God... his dick. It was deeply, deeply lodged in my memory. Funny... like every guy, I'm so used to the girth of mine, that the surprising feel of his jolted my mind. Memories filled me. Just as I remembered, his dick was thinner than mine, but longer—nearly eight inches. With a torpedo-like mushroom head. It was both harder than I remembered, but also... softer. Nestled in the wiry tangle of a thick, natural man-bush. Fuck yeah! He still doesn't shave down there! All man. Real man. Fucking hot. Untamed.

Hunger, absolute hunger drove me on. I dropped to my knees and fucking went after him. Swallowing him down. Years remembering. Years wishing. Years dreaming. And now, I was going to give Jesse The. Best. Fucking. Blowjob. he would ever get. A blowjob worthy of him. Worthy of that amazing dick.

I sucked him. Hard. Going after him so hard, I slammed him against the hotel door. Swallowing his cockhead down. Puckering my lips and face fucking him, bouncing up and down, catching the flared rim of his mushroom head with every motion. Jesse let out a hissed, "Oh fuck YEAH, dude!" and wrapped his hands around me. Gripping my shoulder, running his fingers through my hair. Wanting to feel me, savoring the touch.

I pulled wildly at my shirt, freeing myself of it before launching a renewed assault on him. I went down on him again, deep strokes, running my tongue all the way down. Too deep; I gagged myself. Damn. I pulled back and tried again, same result. Double damn. Like I had learned nothing the first time I tried this. I pulled off him, and giving myself a chance to recover, went lower and dragged my face through his bush. Above me, Jesse snarled in absolute need. Fuck. And I mean HOLY FUCK. I remember so well: his musk, his fucking musk... the raw scent of hunger, of need, of man. I couldn't get enough, nearly hyperventilating as I breathed his smell in, But I needed more. My mouth unleashed on him, sucking in each of his balls, rolling them, tonguing them. Getting them slick with sweat. Then, going back after his dick... and I started face fucking him all over again.

Jesse was clearly loving it, but just as clearly needed more. No time for pussyfooting. Just terrifying sexual need. The need to release. Sensations and desire that had been too-long suppressed, finally breaking free.

Jesse roared. His eyes thundered raw masculine aggression, and in any other context I would have feared for my life. But at that moment... feeling that volcanic energy, I think my dick grew about six more inches.

He grabbed me, and with force I would not have thought possible, bodily threw me so I was lying flat on my back on the table right inside the door to his room. My butt hanging over the edge. If he could have, he would have ripped my pants open with his bare fingers; as it was, he savagely undid my belt and fly, and hauled my pants down to my ankles. My thick bull cock roared to its full height of about 7 inches... so drenched with precum, it almost looked like I had shot my load.

No preliminaries. Jesse just went after my cock with animal ferocity. HOLY FUCK. I bellowed like a gored bull. Every blowjob I'd ever had was completely blown away. This was better than before. No one I had been with since had ever, could ever, give a blowjob like Jesse could. He was... forceful. Actually sucked! Pressure and wetness! He kept working my cockhead, swirling his tongue along the rim. Ticking my piss slit as he went down on me. His spit started running down my shaft and into my bush, and he reached up and started jacking me in time to swallowing me. Further down to start mouthing my hairy balls. My hands swept across his sweaty body. Alive with the touch of him. The feel of him. God, this was the best night of my fucking life!

Jesse wanted more, and by fuck he was going to take it.

He pulled off my cock, sneered, slammed my knees into my chest...

... and dove face first into my splayed ass.

I fucking roared.

No one had touched me there in all the years since our first encounter. But Jesse knew. Jesse remembered. His tongue in my hairy ass crack brought about the shrieking reminder that my butt was as hot a spot for me as my cock and balls.

FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK! FUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCK!

He nearly ripped my hairy hole part, ramming his tongue in as far as it could go. He fucking sucked down and started violently shaking his head. I kept screaming, grabbing his head and trying to drive him in even further. My whole body was on fire, and I wildly convoluted as he fucking went after me.

The next few minutes were like a fever dream. A collision of long-repressed memories and current sensations. He went at me harder than I would have believed, a fucking force of nature. But even so, he needed more. He lapped me like a dog, and I tried to grind his face in deeper. He gave these fucking obscene slurps the length of my hairy crack that left me begged for him to go harder. Both of us were bellowing like buffalo in full rut. Oh GOD! SO FUCKING HOT!

I don't know how long he went after me, but I was dizzy from near-hyperventilation. Then, I felt a new feeling... oh God, oh God, oh GOD. OHGOD. My head, which had been flailing about, snapped back to look at him. He was mawing my hairy balls with his mouth, but had rammed a finger deep inside me. Roughly.

I knew what he wanted. Knew what he needed. "Pocket!" I barked out. "Check my pocket!" Jesse rammed his hands down, and came out with the bottle of lube I had brought with me. He looked at me with fire and a knowing smirk—I didn't care. I was unashamed of my shamelessness.

He pawed a glop of the stuff on his dick, and slammed his lube-covered fingers deep inside me. There! That icy pain as my body rebelled against the beefy finger that was violating me, unnaturally going up my bunghole. And another! And a third! I knew what was coming next was going to hurt like a motherfucker. I knew he was going to rip me apart, but in that moment I could not have possibly cared less. My body was fucking trembling with raw, unquenchable need. A need that only another man could possibly fill.

I yelled out a sound of pure, animalistic rejoicing. "GIVE IT TO ME JESSE! FUCKING POUND ME! MAKE ME FEEL LIKE A FUCKING MAN!"

And Jesse threw my feet over his shoulders, pants still wrapped around my ankles, and fucking ripped me open with his dick.

And yes—he very much made me feel like a fucking man.

I howled. My hole instinctively slammed shut against the invader, but that lube was too slick. His cockhead broke right through my resistance. The pain was everything I feared. But I remembered it went away... and my savage hunger outweighed everything, pain included.

Breathe, Noah... Breathe. Was it him saying that? Me? Fuck it. I breathed. And I fucking willed myself to relax.

And I could see Jesse's eyes fly open, and he rattled off a sharp intake of breath with a look of absolute wonder. "Fuuuuuuuuuck! Jesus, man. You're so fucking tight! Fuuuuuuck!" He started driving himself in...

And then... the fucking LIGHT.

Jesse's dick triggered something deep inside me. In a way that only a man could. As only Jesse could. LIGHT. The pain was still there, but my body started shimmering with LIGHT. From inside. All around. Filling me. Making my hair stand on end. Dazzling from within my skin. LIGHT. EVERYWHERE LIGHT.

When my eyes cleared, I could see Jesse staring at me. He rattled off a sharp intake of breath with a look of absolute wonder. "Fuuuuuuuuuck! Jesus, man. I forgot how fucking good you feel! Fuuuuuuck!" He pressed. My resistance fell away... and I could feel the unholy thunderbolts as his dick ripped through me. My back arched. I about lifted off the table... deeper and deeper, until realized I could feel his hairy bush against my stretched, hairy hole.

He was balls deep inside me. I squeezed my ass muscles against his girth, and Jesse roared like a dragon. He pulled back, then slammed back inside of me, making the table buck. Making me howl in bliss-filled pain. Again. Again. Relentless. I looked at him. The absurdity of it all. The bloody terror of his eyes in the moment. My feet behind his ears with my pants still stretched between them. Jesse's neck and face flushed. Him biting his lip hard enough to draw blood.

And he started pounding me. BAM BAM BAM God. Each hammerstroke ignited a world of fireworks inside my brain. BAM BAM BAM My ears burned with a tsunami roar. BAM BAM I was seeing stars. BAM BAM Stars that grew and blotted out my vision. BAM His hands raking my body BAM tangled in my chest hair BAM the sound of his balls BAM slapping my ass. BAM

BAMBAMBAMBAM

My body ignited. It was like my skin was on fire. Savage, desperate pleasure. Me screaming. My body screaming. Jesse turning my innards into liquid fire...

MMMNNNAAAAAAAAAAAAGH!

I was shooting. White-hot cum. Blasting. Waves of it. Crashing against our hard, hairy bodies like some infernal tidal wave. My mind shattered.

And still he fucked me. Slamming me so hard that the table jolted and shuddered from the impact. My orgasmic high never faltering for a second. He kept fucking. I kept cumming, even as my balls ran dry. My dick still hard. Still slapping against me as Jesse hammered me into oblivion. Harder. Wilder. HARDER. HARDER.

Blast off.

Jesse came, louder and harder than even I had. I could see his eyes roll back to become white slits. Felt the crushing grip of his hands, holding me hard enough to bruise me. And I will never, ever forget his wailing war-cry as he pumped a thousand gallons of cum into my body's depths.

He kept thrusting into me, unable to stop himself. Slower, now, but with all the intensity. I don't think his hardon lost any of its edge. Every tiny movement of his dick inside me continued to create fireworks in my mind. But I was still in an awkward position, and I don't think "The Hotel Table Position" is going to make it into the next edition of the Gay Kama Sutra. He extended a hand to me and pulled me on my feet.

We slammed into each other. Mouth to mouth. So many guys need time for a recharge after blowing their loads... not Jesse and I, not in that moment. If anything, we were more aggressive than before. Our dicks, still hard and screaming for attention, were jousting between us, tangled in our manly bushes. I realized I could smell my musk on his beard as he savagely made out with me, and the fires inside me burned hotter.

And ultimately, burned free.

I only dimly remember how things went down, but essentially I had thrown Jesse down onto his hands and knees, right they on the carpet. He was panting. Knowing what I needed without even needing to look at me. He reached back and slapped his ass hard, rubbing it and twisting hit open. "Do it," he hissed through clenched teeth.

I finally was able to kick off my shoes and step out of my pants. Watching his hairy, meaty ass the whole time. Remembering how fucking hot it was. How fucking hot it made me. I got behind him. His butt funk swept through me. Earthy, dark... sour. Raw. Accented by fresh sex sweat. Fucking RAW. FUCKING MASCULINE. Oh shit. Oh shit oh shitohshitohshitohshitOH SHIT! The deepest, most personal part of a man. Forbidden. And I was all mine.

I slammed my face into his ass and fucking mouth-raped his hole.

Jesse lost is fucking mind. And his insane reaction sent me through the roof. I fucking went after him, using everything I remembered from before. Locking my lips around his pucker and sucking as hard as I could. Jesse roared; I lost my mind. Wildly eating his ass, sweeping licks up and down his crack, violently swinging my face side to side. Jesse's whole body shook. Convulsed. He swung a hand to his buttcheek and tried to split himself open even more, and was slamming his butt into my face. Desperate. But not as desperate as I was.

I have no idea how long I ate him out. I could've gone all day. My jaw was feeling sore, but fuck that shit. I was overcome by raw desperate need.

Finally I had enough. I pulled myself back, then violently pushed his shoulders down, forcing his face against the carpeted floor, with his spit-slick ass up in the air. There was no time to find our lube. Instead, I hacked up some natural lubrication and smeared it on my cock. I lined up and fucking drove all the way in, balls deep inside him.

He fucking howled. I'm sure it hurt like a motherfucker, it been so long since we've done anything like this, but I fucking didn't care. God, that fucking ferocious pressure... the wet, hot pressure from his furry butt, tighter than any cunt could ever be. FUCK! I FUCKING NEEDED THIS! I rolled my hips around in great circles inside him--as much to loosen him up as to rejoice in the red-hot tightness of his ass--and then started a series of full-body slams. NGUYAAAAAAAAAH!

His ass fucking ate my dick, crushing it. Massaging it in a fucking death grip. NGUYAAAAAAAAAH!

The thick, heavy slap-thud of man sex. NGUYAAAAAAAAAH!

I grabbed the hand he had reached around to open his ass up, and pincered it forward, as in a wrestling move. NGUYAAAAAAAAAH!

Our mutual howls locked into the fearsome rhythm. NGUYAAAAAAAAAH!

I needed to release. Fuck his feelings. Fuck our feelings. Fuck everything. I fucking needed to blow. NOW! I sped up. NGUYAAAAAAAAAH!!!

It was all too much for my dick, starved of these sensations for too long. I could feel my load build in my balls, screaming for release. My whole body started shuddering, and I swear I could start to see stars. The pressure, the elation, the fucking blood rage exploded inside me, and I shot out so hard I swear I could feel the recoil kicking me back.

I FUCKING CAME!!!!

NNGGHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!

I pulled back on my haunches. Jesse rolled over and collapsed onto the floor. Sometime during my cruel assault on his backside, he had shot another load, too... sprayed across his body and the carpeted floor. I fell on top of him. My lips finding his. My hands everywhere on his body. Rejoicing in our shared, smeared cum.

Happier than I had been in years.

Feelings, physical sensations, thoughts and dreams were flying through my mind. Making my body stir. Making me feel like a man.

And we were just getting started.

God knows how long we'd been going at it. Someone, somewhere along the way must have had the good idea to actually move over to the bed, and at some point, we settled down. The smile on my face outshone the sun. "Wow. Fucking WOW. I always held that you made a man of me last time around. But that? Goddamn, Jesse... this has been even better. I think this time around you made me Superman!"

Jesse's breathing had still not gone back to normal. "God... Noah. You... that was seriously the best sex... of my entire life. I didn't know... sex could be... that... good. Or how much... I needed it. I... can't believe I'm... still alive."

"Being with you is so much better than I remember. So much better than I dreamed... Damn, Jesse... I can't believe that I'm sharing all this with the hottest guy I've ever met!"

Hilariously, Jesse... blushed. Like seriously blushed. "Hold up there, Mr. Corporate Titan. Are you blushing? Like, the manliest man of all time, who just fucked me like he was wrestling a charging rhino to the ground... is blushing??!?"

"Shut up, asshole! And what the fuck are you talking about. Jesus, if anyone here should be called hot, it's totally you! Why do you think I've remembered you all these years... it's sure not your dubious attention to hygiene!"

I pounced on him, laughing, and theatrically tried to rub my hairy armpit in his face. He faked a bout choking before throwing back at me. Our feeble attempt at wrestling petered out quickly, and we fell back into a kiss. A kiss made somehow broader and deeper than before. God, he was strong. Even at play. And I was all there for it. It was like I was feeding on him. Feeding on his masculine power. Awash in feelings I could barely understand.

I can't adequately explain what that man did to me.

Finally, we broke apart. Our hands drifting across our naked selves. I was surrounded by him, everything about him. Amazed at how deeply he stirred me.

His smile melted my soul.

And at last, he pulled back his face and gave me a suspicious stare. "So... ok, let's talk through this. How the hell are you in Pittsburg, Noah? Didn't you say you were on your way to a workshop in Miami or something?"

"Heh. Well... God's honest truth, the airline already torpedoed my plans. As it was, I was going to miss pretty much everything scheduled for the first day, and that's the content I was most interested in. I was actually contemplating just flying home when I ran into you at the airport. But after you left, I checked in with the organizers. I can get the presentation slides sent to me, and watch the videos of the main keynote, so I'm pretty much squared up there." I gave him my best shit-eating grin. "But more importantly, we were both saying that we've learned to grab every opportunity that comes our way. So I decided to put my money where my mouth was."

"Good man!" He gave me a clumsy high five.

I chuckled, lightly. Our chests vibrating together as I did. "So," I teased, "You're not mad that I followed you here? I was afraid you'd think I was stalking you."

Jesse's laugh comingled with mine. "Hell, no problem here!" But then a curious look crept across his face. "And... well, just to be honest with you... I... kinda... did the same thing in Costa Rica..."

I bolted upright. "You... what??"

Jesse's whole affect changed. He let out a fairly substantial sigh, then shimmied himself up so he was upright, sitting with his back against the bed's headboard. "Yeah," he admitted, "A couple of days after you left, I went back to San José to look for you. For a good couple weeks."

"Oh God, Jesse! Seriously? What happened?"

Jesse... became very still. I knew better than to press, but I rested my hand on his shoulder. He was warm. No, more than warm... his skin felt hot under my fingers.

He pulled his knees up to his chest and slumped over them for a second. Looking down. "Well, I guess I should tell you all of it. So that morning you left, well... I was feeling down, sure, but at the same time just... you know, basking. I had an adventure! I had the best sex of my life! Wow, sex for the record books! Yay me! I was floating on cloud nine. But... with time, it started hitting me: you weren't there to share things with me. And I felt it. I wanted to eat at that same place where we had lunch—God, remember the fish there? But I couldn't find it. I wanted to ask you where it was, but... Then, I walked out to that same beach we tried to ride the waves. It was still empty, and now... really empty. You weren't there. And that evening there was this gorgeous sunset, better than the one we watched. Amazing. I remembered you saying how much you loved sunsets, and I was bummed you couldn't see it. With me or without me, I just wanted you to have seen it. And I went back to that same bar for dinner. At one point, I almost turned to you to make a joke. But you weren't there. Later I went back to that shit hotel we stayed in. And I laid there on that crappy bed. And laid there. And fucking laid there. Sweating. And horny. And... lonely. I guess it must have been sometime between 2 and 3 in the morning, I realized I had made the biggest mistake of my life in letting you go."

I slid closer, sitting with my back to the headboard, too. Just looking at him.

Jesse gave a humorless smile. "It's... funny. People today—hell, my kids today—just wouldn't understand. There wasn't any way to get ahold of you. There weren't any smartphones back then. Hell, there weren't cellphones back then. The internet was pretty much AOL and dial up... and even that was pretty much only in the U.S. Certainly not in a developing country! No social media. There was no way to exchange contact info, no way to stay in touch. I mean, at the time I didn't even have a real address at all—I was roving wherever the bus or the train would take me. Wandering aimlessly. There was no way to reach you, no way you could reach me. No way."

I sniffed out a low laugh. Remembering. God. The Dark Ages.

"So I did the only thing I could think of. I bought a bus ticket and raced back to San José to find you... in person. I figured you had to be at the University of Costa Rica. So, I started scouring the University campus. Asking where the Americans hung out. Checking every bar, coffee shop. Bookstore. Anywhere."

At this, I gripped his arm. "Oh God. Jesse. I wasn't at the University. We were in a private program that was on the other side of town. Oh God..."

Jesse dropped his head for a moment, giving a humorless chuckle. "Makes sense, now," he murmured. "Ooof. Well, yeah, after two weeks I gave up. Thinking I had missed you, two ships passing in the night."

I didn't even know what to say.

"But there's more..." Jesse's voice started to change, sounding... broken. As if the pain was fresh. And probably, in a way, it was... despite the passage of time. "After that, I got it into my head that you were avoiding me. That you were freaked out. Hated me. Hated what we did."

"Jesse, no... oh God, no! I didn't..."

He raised and arm, blocking my response and my attempted hug. "That's what I told myself. Worse than that, a week later I pretty much convinced myself that that whole weekend was a lie. Like you had given me a bullshit story, an alias, and played me for sucker. Got me to totally humiliate myself. And were laughing about it somewhere." He turned and looked at me, with a haunted look in his face. "I hated you for a while."

I was too shattered to speak.

"I figured I had been burned, played, and had stupidly come close to throwing my life away. So I said... fuck it. Time to pay the piper. I went back home with my tail between my legs. I figured Dad was right all along. I had been stupid. All of it. Best take his offer to work for him and stay where I belonged. And relationships? Shit. I fairly ruthlessly played the field for a while, loving-and-leaving a whole bevy of women, just like I thought you had done to me. Proving to myself I was a real man after all, with a real man's tastes. I hate to say it, but I think for a time I was the loudest, most homophobic asshole around.

"But my family wanted me to settle down with Bernadette and pushed pretty hard. Finally, I said, why not? My `relationships' were empty for me, I didn't give a fuck... so why not marry Bernadette? We worked well together, had decent chemistry, and both our families wanted it. So why the fuck not? That way, I gave everyone everything they wanted."

There was nothing I could say. In my head I was screaming. What he said was a nightmare version of how I remembered things. The memory of my time with Jesse sustained me, even after I accepted I'd never see Jesse again, and let the memories start to fade. But all the while, that same memory was ripping apart Jesse's soul. Somehow, without ever intending to, I had ended up wounding him so badly that he gave up. Gave up his many-colored dreams. Stifled his high-flying aspirations. Crushed his sense of self. And finally, he had become something I could never imagine him to be: dutiful.

Tears ran down my face in rivulets. "Jesse, oh God. I'm so sorry. So fucking sorry! I had no idea!" And then the obvious question exploded into my mind—a thought so terrible that my brain had been frantically tamping it down. "Wait... Jesse...? Do you still... hate me?"

"What, no! No! Not at all!" he responded immediately. As if he was horrified I would ever think such a thing. "But it was... a process. I think the change came gradually. As I started finding myself with more and more time on my hands. As I watched and observed my friends, and my family members in their own relationships. I saw what relationships could be like... what they should be like. And I remembered what it was like, you and I together. I could see, despite how little time we had together, that things were... real. That that kind of connection was rare. Maybe even special. Despite all my efforts to blot everything from my mind, memories of our time together kept bubbling up in my life. In strange ways. In my all-to-frequently lonely nights when I was alone. It wasn't anything specific, no single memory, but the overall memory of that weekend. I came to realize there was no way you were faking things... your eyes were too real. Your touch too real. Your kiss... you know, no one ever kissed me like that. That was technicolor. Everything else was black and white."

Jesse turned to me, giving me a wan smile. "Listen, none of that wasn't your fault. It was mine. I came to terms with that. And slowly, my hate for you turned into a hatred for my own stupidity. I had a chance and I blew it. I let you go. I came to believe you must have been disappointed with me, disappointed I didn't care enough to hold onto you. And, you must have left all thoughts of me behind and moved on with your life. Moved on with someone better—someone who got you, someone who loved you, and someone who would fight for you. And that made me happy. Knowing you were living your best life was my penance for stupidly letting you go."

"But Jesse..."

"No, Noah it's okay." He really was smiling now. "I made peace with it. And... slowly it became a non-issue. I mean, life is good. Sure, I've been restless. I've kept trying to fill my life, trying to shake this feeling I'd been missing out on something. I threw myself into raising my kids. Tried a half-dozen sport to bust my body. Trained to run a marathon. And possibly my worst decision, I started taking a few classes on improv. Searching. Searching for anything. Desperate to find meaning. For something to hold onto."

Here, Jesse paused and gave in inward laugh. "And you know, there was I time I actually tried to see if maybe I was gay. I tried—God, don't laugh—I tried a couple times to see if I could score with another guy? Maybe that was all it was. Maybe that was the root of my restlessness. The first time I matched with a guy and tried to meet up, I was so nervous I sped off without ever getting out of the car. The second guy? He was... smooth, hairless... nothing like you. I freaked; all I could do was jerk off fast and get the hell out of there. And the last guy? Ugh. He was so smarmy I had to run... and delete the app from my phone. All I could think of was he was going to try and blackmail me to ruin my whole family. That makes it... hard to get... in the mood."

At this, I burst out laughing. He gave me a sideways glance and I raised my hands apologetically. "No! I'm not laughing at you! It's just... well, I get it. If it makes you feel any better, I went down a similar path. After the divorce, I tried playing the field. With women. Some good times, mostly bad times. I wondered if I had been gay all along, too. So I tried to see if I just needed to get it on with another dude. It... didn't go well. I'm sure all four of my attempts to hook up with a guy are enshrined as Cautionary Tales on Grindr."

The tension that had been building broke for a moment; we both howled with laughter. Laughing at our manifest stupidity. And different memories filled my mind. Memories of us laughing at different times.

Laughter. Honest realizations and laughter.

But the laughter slowly died. Reflections. Of roads not taken.

And of consequences.

What could I say to all this? So many things that I wanted to say, all at once. Dumbing me into silence. Silence between us--such a contrast. Such a contrast to that exuberant vitality of him that ensnared my soul. And I could feel the weight of everything. The heaviness of regret. "Jesse, I'm so sorry. So sorry you went through all that."

Jesse kept his head bowed. "I think the memory of us being together ruined me. Ruined me for everything else. That time with you made me feel alive, feel whole, in ways that nothing else ever has. I've never felt anything close to what I felt with you."

No. "Jesse, if you say `ruined me' one more time I'm gonna kick your ass. Let me tell you this. Seeing you today, did a number on me, too. Because, that time with you was like the best time in my life. I have never bonded with someone the way I did with you. It wasn't just the sex, it was the... the... connection. You didn't ruin me, you didn't ruin us... I fall on my knees and thank God that we found each other!"

Jesse just looked at me. A strange expression filling his face. "It was really... shocking... running into you today. Like I said, I made peace with everything years ago, but it's been forever since I really gave myself the time or space to think things through. And part of making peace with things, was telling myself that you've surely gotten over me by now. That you never think about things, or think about me. But when you were saying those things in the airport, saying that I changed your life for the better... And I... almost believed all the good things... thought I might deserve... it's like a dam broke inside me and...."

There was a pregnant pause... and then, something completely unexpected happened: just as he said the words, I could see a dam brake inside of Jesse. His face started contorting, and all at once my Hotspur of a Corporate Titan let out a sobbing gasp. And he completely fell apart.

I held him. Wildly. Desperately. Skin on skin. As tightly as I could. Like I was somehow keeping his entire world from flying apart.

Jesse continued. His voice shattered with emotion. "Right then, it hit me. The full, honest, terrible, wonderful truth. What we had was real. I lost something real. I'm not `restless,' I've been trying to fill a very specific, a very real hole in my life: you! I wake up every day of my Goddamn life desperately trying to replace that realness we had. Something we found so easily. God! Every stupid thing I've done with my life. Crushing all my feelings down. And... what the hell does that mean for my life? This stupid, empty life I've been living, all these stupid years...."

No. Enough. I gathered his face in my hands, and kissed him. The only thing I could do. I kissed him. He still sobbed, but as my hands enfolded him, he started to kiss me back. Desperate. Needing so much. Deserving so much. And so, we kissed.

And in that kiss, his spirit awoke. All the self-doubt, the self-loathing, broke apart. And in its place, we came together. Our souls gathered together and took flight.

And we kissed.

In that moment, that kiss became everything. We kissed. Filling voids within us we didn't know existed. We kissed. Illuminating every dark corner in our hearts. We kissed.

We kissed.

Words fell away, but our kiss spoke for us. Deeper that mere language. Saying things we desperately needed to say to each other. Saying things we desperately needed to hear:

I'm so sorry I let you go

You found me again

I didn't realize

Now we know

I tried to forget you

You remember me

I've been afraid

Dreams kill fear

I've been lonely

We are together

You changed my ideas about love

I love you

I love you

Love

It was so strange. Love. Strange that the intangible, gossamer emotion of love could somehow become a true, physical sensation. But I could absolutely feel it as it happened. It burned. It lightened. It surrounded us and lifted us... undeniable. Inevitable. It filled me... filled us.

It filled us.

I don't know how long we basked in the light of that kiss, awakened to feelings we had both so long repressed. Kissing. Lost in our kiss.

But in the end, we are men. We're not as young as we were, but we're still men in our prime. Physical beings. And the burgeoning light awakening inside us began to awaken other things, too.

Yeah, it wasn't just love we were feeling for each other.

Love became emmeshed with lust. In the best of ways.

Jesse broke the kiss, sliding down my neck. Forceful. Implacable. Hitting my spots, but needing more. Needing much more. I felt him move down, worshipping my hairy nipples. Taking them in, suckling them, hungry for me. Awakening deep things inside me. Awakening need.

I growled out my need.

Jesse's hands worked me over. Stirring my skin, setting my flesh on fire with his touch. Hard and strong, the way a man experiences touch. Kneading my muscles. Making the hair of my arms stand on edge. Standing erect. As erect as my cock.

My cock called to him. He slurred down my chest, my abdomen, his tongue sliding in obscene waves, mixing my sweat with his spit. Tongue triggering me. Making me feel alive. His tongue French kissing my navel, dancing. Making my stomach spasm with arousal. Wanting more. Wanting everything.

His tongue going deeper. Making my man-bush wet with spit. Dancing across my cock. Tickling my piss slit until I was hard enough to cut diamonds. Awakening me with need—unfulfillable need. Lost in a typhoon of sexual hunger.

Sexual hunger awakened... burning...

My body was afire. I pulled him. Pulled him to me. Face to face on the bed. My body calling out to Jesse as we savagely made out again. A kiss thickened with lust. He pulled himself up, up and forward, straddling my lap, and I could feel my rock-hard dick drag through his hairy taint. Nothing but need. Our need. Our need to push past the fears, the regrets, the mistakes, and finally... just to be. Be with each other. As only men can be. Embracing our manly hunger. Our need for the purifying fire of sex.

I took him. Hard. As we sat facing each other. Me inside him. Forever-deep inside his muscular ass. My bush tangled in his ass hair. I was filling his body as deeply as our love was filling our souls. Him sitting on me, legs around my waist, as our arms wound around each other. Our mouths locked in a rolling, ravishing kiss as we writhed together. Shuddering. Heaving. But slowly. Slowly so we could feel every God. Damn. Moment and sear it into our memories.

Slow. Slow fires burning.

His hands. His palms anchored against my cheekbones, his fingers streaking through my sweat-drenched hair as we slid and bucked against each other.

I sealed everything into my mind, holding this memory for a lifetime.

His scent. Tickling my nose as I pistoned him.

His sweat. Smearing my mouth and hands as I desperately kissed him.

His hair. Frictioning my body as we ground together.

His moans. Rumbling in my ears as I pleasured him.

His masculinity. Overwhelming my senses with his masculine power.

It was all just like that first time—the first time he gave himself to me.

I brought my hands up, running along his flanks, my fingers reaching around his sweaty back. Slowly. Sliding. Pressure. God, he felt fucking GOOD. I pulled my right hand forward, a deep rub gliding up his breastbone, then kneading his muscular pecs. God. The touch. His chest... hard. Hairy. Muscular. Powerful. The way a man should be. The way only a man could be. The touch... the fucking touch. Running down further. I spat into my own hand and started fisting him. Kneading his cock. Deeply. Touch.

God... the physicality of being with Jesse. The way he made my body sing as I thrust into him. No, nothing so harsh as a thrust. Not now. Not as we were bathing in the wonderous delight of our bodies. Grinding. Rocking together. Slowly. Sliding against each other. Tighter than tight. Slow motions. Our hairy chests scouring each other like sandpaper. Scouring our skin... but at the same time, also scouring away different, unseen skins we both wore like dead, dried up husks. Emotion-laden husks that had carefully built up over time, made from the weight of defensiveness, denial, and regret that we had punished ourselves with.

The friction of our coupling burned it all away. Shedding an unneeded skin and allowing us to emerge fresh and new again. Freeing us. Letting us find emotional freedom in a physical release.

Oh God... I finally had him again. Jesse unleashing an unquenchable fire inside me, roaring to life with passion I had never known. A life I never dared hope I'd find again. Oh Jesse. His scent. Jesse. His ringing baritone voice as he cried out in passion. Jesse. The heat of his kiss. Jesse. The heat of his body, surrounding me. Embracing me. Embracing my manhood inside him as we rocked together. Jesse.

Jesse.

Jesse...

...and...

...me.

Jesse and Noah.

That's what it all came down to. It was more than sex, more than making love. It was joy. It was release. It was absolution. It was union. And it was communion.

I don't know how long we coupled like that. Finally, the pressure, the sensations, the emotions overwhelmed us both. Masculine fire, masculine hunger were relentlessly roaring to life, and at last could not be denied. Jesse threw me on my back. Our bodies drenched in sweat. Our mouths still locked together in that same all-consuming kiss, as rammed his steel girder of a cock inside me, filling my hairy hole. Slamming me. Like he was driving the demons of the past into the ground forever. Slamming. Kissing me as hard as he pounded me. Me slamming back, even harder than he was coming at me. Slamming. Together. Pure volcanic explosions. Slamming. The entire bed thudding into the wall with the force of our passion. Slamming. The heat. The heat inside me. Friction and fire, and manhood reclaimed. Slamming. Slamming together. My mind afire. My body afire. Slamming. Purging me of all conscious thought. Slamming. Fire. Fire. SLAMMING. FIRE.

And finally...

...release. True release.

I screamed.

And in the end, I cried—I never cried so hard in my life. Crying as hard as Jesse cried. Our faces together. Our shared tears running together, washing away everything, and baptizing us into an entirely new world.

It was hard dragging us out of bed to get going the next day. I chuckled, remembering a similar feeling back in Costa Rica after our night of passion all those years before. But, the real world called, and we both had flights to catch.

Curious... as I finished showering up, I could hear him talking on the phone, sounding very Hotspur Corporate Titan. I asked him about it as I came out and started dressing. At first, he waved me off, saying not to worry about it... but reflected a minute. "Wait, no... we're going to be open and honest with each other. Completely. Just... promise me you won't freak out, okay?"

That was, of course, the best and fastest of ways to ensure that I absolutely would freak out about it. But I made an effort, for him. My distorted, "Oh sure, no problem whatsoever!" convinced no one.

Fortunately, Jesse took pity on me. "No, Noah... it's nothing bad. I just... I don't want you to read too much into this, okay? It doesn't involve you. Not directly. So... that was my lawyer. I was just giving him a heads-up that I'm planning to divorce Bernadette."

"Uhhh, you don't want me to read too much into that? And, you're saying that that doesn't involve me?"

Jesse looked at me. Deeply. Warmly. "It's not that... I just... Okay, so yeah... you might be involved somehow, but not how you think. It took reconnecting with you to make me realize a few things. But Noah, please understand... I don't want you to feel like I'm pressuring you about anything, or that I'm jumping in to far or too fast, or that I have ulterior motives or some grand agenda. And I don't want you for a second to falsely believe that you somehow exploded my marriage."

I remained silent. Jesse gathered his thoughts and went on. This... is something I have to do. For Bernadette, for my kids... and I'm sorry if this sounds selfish, but also for me."

Jesse looked at me, with absolute conviction in his voice. "I thought I was doing things right, but now I see I got married for all the wrong reasons. To make everyone else happy. Because I completely lost myself. And I've been sleepwalking through the shell of a marriage ever since. I'm not saying there haven't been highs. Great times. Amazing parts of it. The kids absolutely light up my life, and I love being their dad. And yes, I care for her, and I always will. But I don't love her. The glimpse of love you've shown me has convinced me I never did love her. And if she's being honest, I don't think she loves me. Whatever we might have had at the beginning, we've grown apart; and at this point, she spends more and more time at her apartment in the city, living her increasingly separate life. There's no... laughter in our marriage. No... life. We tried things to bring us together, tried couples counseling. Retreats. Self-help books. Nothing ever worked, because I don't think there was ever anything there. If I'm honest with myself, I'm only staying with her from inertia, and some idea that that's what's expected of me. No. This is the right thing to do... I just wish I had had the strength to do it years ago."

"Jesse, I don't know what to say."

At this, Jesse came over and enfolded me in his muscular arms. "Let me say it, then. Everything has happened so fast. And again, I don't want to pressure you. I don't want you to feel forced, or cornered, or pressed to do anything you're unready for. But... I have to tell you. Noah, you rocked my world to its core when I first met you, and I've never been the same. And now, you've completely done it again. Noah... you make me better. You make me become who I was meant to be. I love who I am with you. We barely know each other, but it's... it's like you're my fucking soulmate. A soulmate who finally convinced me that soulmates are real."

That was it. I was crying too hard to speak.

Jesse brought his forehead to mine, his tears flowing as freely as mine. He spoke softly, even though every word was like an earthquake inside me. "Everything is crazy. My mind's in a million places, in a million pieces. But one thing I'm sure of. I am not letting you go again. I have no idea what's ahead for us, Noah, but I want to find out. With you. Together. Are you up to seeing what happens next?"

I don't think I can convey how passionately I kissed him.

And when at last we pulled apart, I held his face in my hands. "I need you more than I've ever needed anything in my life. So... please... come home with me. Today. Now. Change your flight. The kids are with my ex this week, so there won't be any distractions. Stay with me, just for a bit. We have a lot to figure out, but can figure things out as we go. We've missed so much time, but there's still time for a future together. So... let's begin. Now."

Jesse's kiss sealed the deal.

He flew back with me. And we held hands the entire time.

It's strange, really, when you think of it. Strange that life often goes around in circles—coming around again and again, often when you least expect it. And you can take stock of things all over again, and see things from a new perspective. See how much things have changed, and how much things remain the same.

Years back, when Jesse and I first met, I was following that adage that every man should at least once experience the joy of traveling alone. To be bold enough to try new things, to venture out of your comfortable world, and to break away from all the myriad compromises you constantly make in your daily life. To be able to find yourself.

There is wisdom there, to be sure. But there's more to life than that.

Now, a different adage was coming to mind. An African proverb saying "If you want to travel fast, travel alone. If you want to travel far, travel together." This makes sense to me now, in ways I didn't understand before. It is our relationships that help us move ahead. Traveling together, we're stronger and have more endurance. We can lean on others and find support. We can draw on their strength. We can better weather the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune. And if we're truly lucky, we may experience love.

I'm not sure where our travels will take us in life... but after years of waiting, I'm grateful that I'm finally able to travel with Jesse, together.

And together, we plan to travel far.

THE END