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------------------------------------ TRAGEDY IN THE BLOOD by Steven H. Davis
Chapter 30
*Tonight's the night we'll make history, honey, you and I/
And I'll take any risk to tie back the hands of time/
And stay with you here tonight*
"I was feeling pretty weird about this whole thing," Taine said as he rolled back on his bed, looking up at the ceiling once more. "This whole you-me thing. I mean, I'm not gay. I don't think of boys that way, their bodies. I like girls with nice racks, nice asses...curves... boys don't do anything for me. But all of a sudden we're kissing, and cuddling and having sex with each other, and I really like it with you, I do, but I was confused. So I talked to my dad about it."
"You talked to Sly?" I was more than a little surprised. Taine was the last boy in the world to share his feelings easily, particularly about sex. Hell, this was the first conversation we were really having about sex, and I was astonished that he had spoken about his concerns with Sly, a man whom he still obviously had very mixed emotions towards because of the way he felt abandoned throughout his childhood.
"Yeah," said Taine. "I mean, he already knows about us, and I wouldn't feel comfortable talking to Linda, so my dad was pretty much the only one I could talk to. You're not mad, are you?"
"No, no, Babes, of course I'm not mad," I reassured him. "You should talk to Sly. He's your dad, and he wants to be a part of your life, and that means having these kinds of talks. I wish I could talk like that to Rex, you know?"
Taine seemed to take this in for a moment, processed it, and finally appeared to accept it before continuing with his story. I wanted to cuddle up next to him to listen, but considered the subject matter and decided to move a few inches back from him to give him some physical -- and psychological -- space.
"Come here," he said, pulling me close to his chest, a slight tone of exasperation in his voice. "This isn't like that."
Needing no further encouragement, I snuggled into his arms to listen, feeling his heart beating beneath my ear as I rested my head gently on his chest.
"So, anyway," Taine continued, "I went over to him the other night while you were at home having your dream. He was out by the pool, drinking a margarita, like he usually does at night. I sat next to him in the deck chair to the side of his, and we just stared at the pool for a while, looking at the patterns in the lighted water against the darkened yard. Finally, my dad turns to me and says, 'something on your mind, Taine?' in that low, deep growl of his, just like that, you know how he does it... 'something on your mind, Taine?'"
I smiled against his shirt. Taine certainly knew how to paint a picture with words. I felt like I was there with him as he continued his story...
TAINE'S STORY
So I said, "Yeah, Dad, there's something I'm kind of confused about."
And he kind of nods his head and sips his margarita, which had all these little crystals of salt all over the rim, and they kind of fall off into his lap a little bit while he's nodding his head, and I was feeling all knotted up and I wanted to hand him something to wipe them off but... I just kept talking while I had the nerve.
"It's about Ricky... Rick, I mean," I told him. "All this, I mean... what's been happening between us."
So my dad looks over at me and kind of smiles, and says, "You wanna know what it all means."
"Yeah," I admitted. "Being able to spend time with Rick and be around him is making me feel better about things than I've felt for a long time. I can be myself around him, or as much as I can be myself aroundd anyone. But... I'm also feeling things when I'm with him, even when I just think about him, that I've never felt before. I'm a little confused. It's kind of scary, and I'm not sure what it really means, I mean... what it says about me."
So my dad, Sly... he pats me on the knee real dad-like and then he leans back in his deck chair. I kind of got the feeling that he was relieved to have a father-son talk with me that was actually about me. You know, not about him or my mom or any of that stuff that happened after my little sister died.
"Tainey," he says, and I hate when he calls me that but I didn't say anything, "you're fifteen. You're going to have crushes. You'll like a boy, you'll like a girl... the next day it'll be somebody new. While you're crushing on them, they will seem like the most important person in the world, and you'll think that you can't live without them. And then it's someone else. That's what being fifteen is."
I sighed, afraid that -- as usual -- he just wasn't getting it. But then he surprised me.
He paused, thought for a second, then said, "I think what you're saying to me is you have feelings for Rick, romantic feelings?"
I started to nod, then said softly, "Yes."
He nodded back. "These feelings are probably a little scary to you, but don't be scared. Be Rick's friend. Spend time with him, be good to each other, and what happens will happen. You'll either feel a spark, feel something more and decide you want to be together, or you'll be friends. Maybe you'll be best friends for the rest of your lives, maybe you won't. Things will work themselves out, and sometimes what that becomes will change over time."
He leaned forward in his deck chair then, looking at me intently. His voice was serious, and urgent.
"But experiencing them is something you need to do, Taine," he said. "Don't be afraid of life! It's got crazy highs and crazy lows, but if you don't let yourself be there for them, you'll regret it. Believe me."
I did believe him, and I knew what he was getting at, but I didn't want to think about that right then. I had something else I needed to ask him before I lost my nerve. Well, I thought, here it goes.
"But Dad, what if that means, well, might that mean I'm gay? What if we feel the same way about each other? What then?"
"That might happen," he said casually. "Sure, it could. Or you might just have a strong friendship. Seems like you win either way. Don't rob yourself of experiences because you're afraid of what could happen. If you're gay, you're gay. You can't change that if you are, but what you can do is decide that you're going to experience what life has to offer. Live your life, Taine. I don't want to see you avoiding life because you're afraid of how messy it might be... like I did... or for any other stupid reason."
I leaned over and hugged my dad, hard, and just held onto him for a minute. Then I pulled back and looked at him, finally seeing him for what seemed like the first time.
"Dad, thank you," I almost whimpered. "You have no idea what that means to me. You're there for me, and I really need that right now. You're right, I'm scared, scared of a lot of things. The kids at school, my own feelings, that Rick will get tired of me, how complicated this is going to be, whether I'll even feel the same things I'm feeling now next week. But one fear I won't have now is that you'll be upset or disappointed. Thanks. You're just the best. I love you, Dad."
"Me too, Taine. Hey, I want you to tell Rick tomorrow that he can spend the night, and when you do, you have the best time you can with him. He wants to be your friend, you can hear it in the way he talks to you. Let him be."
He smacked his knees with both hands and got up from his chair.
"Okay, that's enough advice for tonight. The office is closed. Now, how about some ice cream?"
"And so we went and ate some ice cream," Taine shrugged. "My Dad thinks ice cream is like medicine. But what he said was the real medicine."
He turned back on his side, and I adjusted my position to face him. There must have been some lingering concern in my eyes, because he got a similar look, holding me close and kissing me.
"I know," he said. "I know I didn't really tell him how strongly I feel about you. But I think he knew, and that was just his way of expressing what he needed to tell me. Listen, Ricky, the reason I'm telling you all this is to explain something to you. I was nervous, I was scared... I pushed you away. And I was even more scared after you made love to me on Sunday. With the kissing and the hugging, I could pretend we were just good friends... I could pretend that you didn't feel what you feel for me, or that I feel what I feel for you. But once we did all that... I couldn't pretend anymore."
He paused, looking deeply into my eyes, and all I saw there now was love.
"I can't pretend anymore," he said quietly. "That's why I talked to my Dad, and that's why I... uhm..."
"Fucked the hell out of me last night?" I giggled. "Babes, I have to hand it to you... when you make a decision, you don't do it halfway. You go all out."
"Or all in," Taine grinned naughtily, chomping theatrically at my neck as we laughed and rolled around on the bed, enjoying each other's closeness and intimacy.
Suddenly, he raised his head and became serious again.
"Ricky," he said, "there's one more thing I want to tell you before you go."
I sobered up and looked at him, a bit concerned by his tone.
"What is it, Babes?"
"Well," he said, "this isn't going to be easy. It's going to get out somehow, because I don't think we've been careful enough. I know you don't look around as much as I do to try to figure out what people are thinking, but they're already starting to look at me, and I don't think it has anything to do with what happened with Kevin. This is Texas, Ricky. I do love you. I really do, but I don't know if I can handle what might happen if everybody finds out. I don't know if I can do this at all if everybody finds out. Things are rough enough for me as they are."
His eyes suddenly looked very mature, very wise, and almost pleading with me to understand. I did, and took his hands in both of mine to assure him how seriously I took his concern.
*I know you feel these are the worst of times/
I do believe it's true/
When people lock their doors and hide inside*
"Taine," I said, my voice thick with emotion. "I love you more than anything or anyone in this entire world. I would never do anything to hurt you, or to cause you to be hurt. Look, I don't want to tell everybody either. Just because I might have known first, or took the intiative with you doesn't mean I'm Harvey Milk, running around and proclaiming our love from the rooftops. My mom doesn't even know, and that's the only reason I'm even going home tonight. Don't you think I would rather stay here with you?"
"I do," he said, "and I would really love that. But I just needed you to know..."
*Rumor has it it's the end of Paradise/
But I know, if the world just passed us by/
Baby I know, you wouldn't have to cry, no, no*
"I know," I said, and kissed him. "I promise you, Taine. The only people who know are people who need to know. That's Linda, our dads, and us. Okay?"
"Carter knows," Taine replied. "Do you think he'll get stoned and tell somebody? What if he tells Roger? Roger's still mad at you about that orgy you had with Kathy behind the elementary school."
"He won't say anything," I said emphatically. "It's just you and me, Babes. But if anyone does find out, I swear to you that I will handle it, and it will be okay."
Taine shook his head sadly.
"You can't promise that," he said. "I know how my life works, Ricky. This isn't going to be 'happily ever after.' I don't get those."
"You haven't gotten one yet," I corrected. "What do you think about trying to change that?"
*The best of times are when I'm alone with you/
Some rain some shine, we'll make this a world for two/
Our memories of yesterday will last a lifetime*
Taine just looked at me with a sad, faint smile. I could tell he wanted to believe me, wanted to believe in us, but with all of the bad breaks he'd had, he was finding it very difficult to have faith in anything.
"Well," he said at last, "we've come this far. I don't want to stop now."
He took me in his arms then, and I took him in mine, and together we made everything okay.
*We'll take the best, forget the rest/
And someday we'll find/
These are the best of times/
These are the best of times*
Chapter 31
The rest of Wednesday night passed fairly uneventfully. I went home around ten, did a little homework, and fell asleep after thinking over all of the things which Taine had told me earlier in the evening. I went over to Linda's house on Thursday after school, and we rehearsed our Duet for the next day's tournament until we felt like we had it completely down and had regained the effortless spontaneity of our first run-throughs.
There's a certain rhythm to acting, where the first rehearsals are about getting the characters to the right physical place, the right emotional pitch, and so forth. The middle ones are about hammering in all the nails and cementing every gesture, expression and intonation, so those run-throughs tend to be the least spontaneous. Finally, right before it's time to perform, the last rehearsals are about regaining the spontaneity which was lost during the cementing process, so the piece feels fresh and new again.
We felt that we had achieved that spontaneity at around nine o'clock on Thursday night, so we decided to call it quits and work on our individual events separately. I hugged Linda goodbye, then jumped on my bike and rode home, where I ran through Titanic and my oratory for the next ninety minutes. When I felt I was sufficiently well-rehearsed, I called Taine to tell him goodnight, then went to sleep.
I awoke excited and ready for my first high-school tournament, donning my tailored three-piece charcoal grey suit with blue pinstripes over a white button-down shirt and my lucky dark red tie, which had seen me through several impressive tournament showings in middle school. Slipping on my shiny black Italian loafers -- a gift from my grandmother in Maryland -- I examined myself in the mirror and deemed myself ready for action as my pre-tournament tape blasted from my stereo, another ritual carried over from middle school.
*Fame!/
I'm gonna live forever/
Baby, remember my name!/
Fame!*
Grabbing my school books in one hand, I pumped my fist in the air with the other as the cassette spooled to the end and began to rewind. I was psyched, confident, and ready. Now all I needed to do was get through my morning classes, as the school bus which was taking our team to Foxrun wouldn't leave until 12:30.
The classes dragged for me, as I couldn't wait to get going. I was bursting with energy by the time I zoomed through the lunch line and made my way to our usual table, where Taine was looking at me with an amused smirk.
"What?" I grinned as I pulled out my chair and sat down.
"Look at Mr. Fancy Pants," Taine teased. "You look like you're ready to go sue somebody."
I laughed, as I had completely forgotten that I was wearing a suit and tie.
"Well," I joked, "if those judges don't vote me through to the finals in every event, I'm gonna sue them for extreme stupidity!"
Taine shook his head and returned his attention to that day's lunch, which appeared to be a breaded shoe pretending to be a veal cutlet. I forced mine down and most of his as well, happy that I had bought an extra carton of chocolate milk that day. The cutlets were filling, but hideous.
"I don't know how you eat so much and stay so skinny," Taine commented. "You should weigh 300 pounds."
"Would you still love me if I weighed 300 pounds?" I asked.
Taine grinned.
"More than anything," he said. "What about if I weighed 300 pounds? Would you still want to be with me?"
I looked into his eyes, a loving smile playing on my lips. Last night's deep conversations had brought us closer than ever, and I was going to miss him that weekend.
"More than everything," I replied. "Hey, listen, if I make it to the finals tomorrow, do you think you and Sly might want to come watch? It's open to family and friends, and I know Rex and Tynah won't come."
Taine nodded somewhat sadly, knowing that the day that Rex came to watch me "dancing around the maypole" would be a cold one in Hell.
"Sure," he said. "Foxrun's not that far away, and I know my Dad will want to see you perform as much as I do."
"Great! It'd really be awesome to have you both there. It'll give me extra inspiration!"
"You don't need any extra inspiration. I haven't seen your Duet, but Titanic and the speech are both damn good. You'll do great."
"Thanks," I replied, genuinely moved by his support. I hadn't had much encouragement in my tournament activities outside of the actual forensics team, and it was really good to finally get some, especially from Taine.
That's why what I said next was so wrong, so stupid, and so unforgivably thoughtless.
What I said was, "Oh, yeah, and if you come, do you think you can maybe not wear your hat in the auditorium? It's kind of frowned upon."
Taine's eyes narrowed, and he looked as if I had hit him with a brick. He stared at me for a moment, and even then I didn't realize how much I had hurt him, or even why he might have been hurt.
"Fine," he said quietly, returning his attention to his french fries.
"Great!" I blithely stumbled on, oblivious as a metal post. "It'll be really cool having you there... if I get to finals, that is. Well, listen, I gotta go, Babes. Have a great day!"
There was no response. The brim of the cap had come down, and I had been dismissed, so I jauntily strolled out of the cafeteria to meet the rest of the team outside by the bus, not a care in the world for the damage I had just caused.
I wouldn't learn it until later, but I had just added another sharpened barb to my sweet, wonderful boy's painful and wounding wires.
Robert and Robin were practicing their debate arguments in the parking lot when I arrived, while Carter and Linda were already seated on the bus, cooing sweet nothings to each other.
I boarded the bus and moved quickly past Kathy, but she grabbed my arm, stopping me next to the seat she was sharing with Mark.
"Ready to make a big bang, Little One?" she asked suggestively.
"Yeah," I said absently. "I think I'm ready."
"Good," she cooed. "Maybe if you get a trophy, Mark and I will give you a prize of our own."
I looked over to see Mark licking his lips, an expression of lust in his half-closed eyes as he rubbed the crotch of his jeans. I knew he couldn't afford a suit, and felt bad for him, knowing that he'd never advance at the tournament dressed as he was, regardless of how well he might perform.
"Mmmm," he groaned, staring at my groin. "I love virgin dick."
I laughed, rolling my eyes and shaking my head as I moved toward the back of the bus. There were a few people on the bus whom I had never met, as the Speech and Drama teams didn't mingle very much with the exception of Kathy and Robert, who were competitive in both areas.
I nodded to one intense-looking young debater who appeared to be my age, and he smiled at me, pleased to be meeting a fellow freshman. As he did so, some of his index cards fell from his lap and landed at my feet. I bent over to help pick them up and was slapped on the ass by Cindy Romaine as I did so.
"Whatcha doin', Rick?" she asked with a grin. "Showing off your goods already?"
Cindy was a gorgeous, petite blonde with a perfect figure and golden, tanned skin. She was also just as frisky and naughty as the boys in the Drama department, a fact which tickled and delighted me. If there was one woman on the planet I would have wanted to fuck all night long, it was Cindy Romaine.
"Only for you, Cindy," I replied with a leer. "Only for you. No, I was just helping... uhm..."
I looked down at the freshman debater for help. He grinned and extended his hand for a shake.
"Pablo Silverstein," he said.
"Rick Spivey," I replied, shaking his hand. "Are you only doing LD?"
Pablo was clearly a Lincoln-Douglas debater, and some of our LD kids only entered tournaments in debate, mostly because they thought it would look good on college applications.
"No," Pablo said, "I'm doing Extemp as well. I was going to enter Oratory, but my speech really wasn't ready and Mr. McRory thought it might be better to wait. What are you doing?"
"Humorous, Oratory and Duet," I answered. "I was thinking about maybe taking Debate class next semester. LD looks really fun, not all complex and crazy like team debate."
Cindy rolled her eyes and went back to practicing her Poetry Reading selection.
"It is fun," Pablo said, "but not this topic. You'll be glad you waited."
"What's the topic?"
"'Resolved: the economic health of a nation is more important than the social programs for its citizens.' What a pain in the ass. If you have to do the affirmative, you pretty much look like a heartless prick, and if you get the negative, you look like a bleeding-heart liberal. It's a really bad topic."
"Doesn't it change at some point in the season?"
"Yeah," he said. "Not till January though. The next one is something about victims' rights in felony cases. We can research it together if you want."
"That'd be cool," I said, and as I left Pablo and wandered to the back of the bus, I decided that Debate would definitely be on my class list for the spring.
"Hello, Mrs. Premise!" I trilled to Carter, who grinned back as Linda looked to the heavens for guidance.
The bus took off at 12:45 as planned, heading for Foxrun, where we would gather in the cafeteria to receive our tournament sectioning guides -- known to us as "poop books" -- before heading to our first rounds of competition, scheduled for 3:15. Eventually, everyone stopped practicing and just relaxed, Roger and Jim blasting heavy metal from Roger's giant portable radio.
*Well I've said it before, and I'll say it again/
You get nothing for nothing: expect it when/
You're backseat driving, and your hands ain't on the wheel*
Carter went up to join Roger and Jim, completing their air-guitar trio as they rocked out and banged their heads, which looked pretty funny in their awkwardly-fitting suits.
*It's easy to go along with the crowd/
And find later on that your say ain't allowed/
Oh that's the way to find what you've been missing*
"Boys will be boys," Linda sighed, then turned to face me. "How's your boy?"
"He's good, thanks," I replied. "He and Sly might come see us if we make the finals, so let's be really good in prelims and semis!"
"Rick, my darling," said Linda, patting my knee reassuringly, "you have the best Duet partner in the world, and I will never let you down. Your boy will see you shine like a flaming comet in the heavens."
"I do not flame," I said, pretending to pout. "I am your he-man Duet partner, and I will fill the auditorium with my massive, manly balls."
Linda threw an arm across her forehead, pretending to faint.
"Oh, Mister Spivey, not that! My delicate feminine sensibilities will be crushed by your enormous gonads!"
We Drama kids were an odd breed.
The bus rolled on to Foxrun, with me laughing hysterically in the back with Linda, not realizing that I had left behind a very upset, frustrated and hurt Taine Maxwell back at Polk High.
*So I'm heading out to the highway/
I got nothing to lose at all/
I'm gonna do it my way/
Take a chance before I fall/
A chance before I fall!*
Thank you for reading Chapters 30 & 31. To be continued...
"Fame" written by Michael Gore and Dean Pitchford. Performed by Irene Cara. c 1980 by RSO Records. "Headin' Out to the Highway" written by Rob Halford, Kenneth Downing and Glenn Raymond Tipton. Performed by Judas Priest. c 1981 by Columbia Records. "The Best of Times" written by Dennis DeYoung. Performed by Styx. c 1981 by A&M Records.
Once again, I'm always happy to hear from readers at DJAkeeba@aol.com. You have all been so supportive and encouraging, and I thank you all for your e-mails.
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