Tom Browning's Schooldays
By
Joel
Chapter TwentyTwo
I was tired but also rather elated that I had attended my first important dinner and not been foolish. I had eaten well and I had imbibed a good amount and, most importantly, I had been allowed to remain with the gentlemen. The bedroom was warm and I wondered where my valet was. Not to worry. Jabez almost immediately appeared changed into his grey coat and grey trousers. He was tired, too, but as he helped me undress and hang my beautiful new suit carefully in the closet we chatted about the evening.
My first question was about His Excellency. Jabez smiled and said nothing more than I must talk to my Uncle. He was most amused how I been commandeered by the Duchess. He said all the servants liked her as she was quite lavish with little presents even for duties performed and always had a kind word. I gave him one of the wrapped sweetmeats and said the other was for Mehmet as he deserved an equal share. Jabez smiled and said Mehmet's younger brother Karem was one of the boys who had helped clear up and would be staying the night with him. I asked if young Antonio would hear any sounds of massage. All I got was a sneer but after Jabez turned off the gas lights he demonstrated he was a good masseur and complimented me as well after we had both indulged in the 'filthy habit'.
I slept heavily with Jabez behind me and his arms round me. We were awoken by the entry of two lads both carrying pitchers of hot water, Mehmet and his brother. I was still only half awake as I heard Mehmet say it was past seven o'clock. Without thinking as I needed the jakes urgently I leapt out of bed and rushed to the small room. It was only when seated I realised I had slept without my nightshirt on and neither had Jabez worn his! I could hear Jabez talking to the pair and saying he would be laying out my Sunday clothes so they had better watch to know how to be a valet when required. So, here was I, not even with an underclout to preserve my modesty, with my pizzle hardening ready for it's usual morning attention. Thankfully it was not fully raised so be brave! They are boys! They have pizzles! Oh, but Mehmet had said his brother was 'short in his arm' and Jabez had said he was sixteen so had two year's growth on me. I cleaned myself carefully then stood and pulled the chain. As the water cascaded this was a signal for silence in the bedroom. I walked out head held high and saw that at least Jabez had his under garment on which hardly covered the length of his weapon. Three pairs of eyes dropped. Just enough to be fixed on my possessions.
Jabez was my friend and ally. "Sir, perhaps we could assist you in washing. Mehmet, Master Tom's back; Karem, you take Master Tom's legs and I will deal with the rest." A large towel was spread on the floor and I was ceremoniously washed all over with scented soap on the washcloths and most carefully dried with other good towels. After my face was dried and the others were rubbing my back and legs I opened my eyes and Jabez had his wicked grin and poked a little of his pink tongue through his lips. Naturally, as he had washed and dried my lower front he had 'tweaked my pizzle', which made me think of the remark he had made about the Duchess, so I was now at full mast!
But, ever the faithful servant, he told me to lift my right leg and then my left as he helped me into a set of new underclothes. A pair of those tighter drawers Aunt Fanny had chosen. Of course, I was fully outlined and I knew it to be deliberate. He turned me so I was facing the boys as he helped me on with a fine new linen shirt. Knee stockings were next and as he knelt to put them on me his cock flopped out from the leg of his not tight drawers. I had a great urge to place my newly stockinged foot on that fat pink end! My trousers were held up and he supported me as I put one leg then the other in and he drew them up. Before being buttoned my shirt was tucked well in with his hand smoothing it down, lingering over my trapped 'young gentleman'. I saw the boys watching intently as a new cravat was tied so expertly. He signalled to Mehmet who supported my right foot as a shiny Sunday shoe was fitted and buckled. Karem was not to be left out. He held me while the left foot was shod. A new cream-coloured waistcoat was held up for my inspection and that was then slipped on. Lastly my short frock coat was held and I raised my arms to place them in the sleeves. I was dressed!
I thanked the boys, who no doubt had much to discuss later about the young Master and his upright peg, and walked to the dressing-table where I had left the other two sweetmeats. I smiled and gave them one each and said Jabez had already been given his and I hoped they had learned how to be a good valet and that I had not been washed so well before. Karem was most forward. "Sir, we would be grateful to learn more. I help my father at the Baths but those men are old and so fat it is good to help bathe a fine young man. I would be proud to help my brother if you have need of another massage. He is very good but I am learning and the older gentlemen often ask for me."
I said I would be most pleased if that might be arranged. Jabez said he would try to bring me to the Baths on Wednesday when more oil for Uncle would be needed and I could be shown the hot rooms and the hot and cold baths.
I thought Mehmet looked a bit anxious but I didn't ask why. After thanking the boys again they went off with the pitchers and towels. As soon as the door closed I turned to Jabez with as stern a face as possible. He just laughed. "Dear Tom, they now know that those fat old men were once fine young Englishmen!" He shook his head. "Both boys are most concerned they do not show good lengths." I said I liked Karem who had such an agreeable nature and ready smile. "Yes, but when he said many of the older gentlemen ask for him it's so they can ogle him in those tight red drawers he wears. I warrant there are a number who press themselves against him and he must watch himself or he will get unwholesome offers." I didn't press him on that but would ask him later what he meant.
It was time for my breakfast and I wanted to hear what my father had to say about the gathering of the night before. He was already seated and looking glum. "My stomach is disordered," he announced, "Too much rich food and your cousin is not here to provide a remedy."
I didn't smile. "Father, I am sorry to hear of your discomfort. I, too, found the food rich but, fear not, you have your own personal physician."
He didn't quite glower at me thinking perhaps I was making mock of him. I left the breakfast-room before he said more and rushed up to my bedroom. For some reason I had put Lancelot's box in the case which had been brought in the carriage. I quickly found the bottle of 'Lancelot's Balm' and took it carefully down to my father. He smiled as I gave it to him. He shook it, then opened it and took a draught straight from the bottle.
"My boy, you are better than being employed as a horse doctor. If you learn to cure other ills as speedily as my poor stomach and then leave Careby I should be bereft."
"Father, that will have to happen if I am to go to Cambridge to study. I would not be able to ride to dose you with the best receipts at a moment's notice. It is a full day's ride so you must rely on Lancelot who I am sure will be on your doorstep in a trice."
He smiled and patted his stomach. "That is feeling better already." He gave me back the bottle. "No, my boy, I feel bereft even now when you are away at school. All my children are scattered. I feel so much the old man with you all gone. I am glad the others are well settled and I hope you will be, too. I have grandchildren which give me great joy and I do have my health so I must praise the Lord for that." He looked thoughtful. "I fear your Uncle Digby is not so well. He needs a warm climate or more fresh air, not this smoky hellhole, and his chest is weaker. He says he has a good physician but I will send Lancelot with his next parcel of ugly creatures and he can advise. I am sure he will have ideas and he did say he had to find out about some new procedures at the Surgeons' Hall which will be the excuse for his journey."
I said I had noticed Uncle Digby did not join us with the ladies. He nodded and said nor did he partake of a pipe or he would have coughed. I hoped Uncle Digby was not too ill. I felt he was engaged in too many important enterprises not only for himself but in some way for the authorities.
While father was telling me this two of the kitchen lads - well-grown sons or nephews of Signor Bartoli - brought in covered platters some of which were set in the heated containers on the sideboard. One young man dispensed large cups of an unfamiliar-tasting tea which he said was a special blend chosen by Milady. He meant Aunt Fanny. I had the horrid thought Uncle Digby may not survive. This would mean that Nicholas would become Sir Nicholas as Uncle Digby was a baronet. I did not know if Americans had titles. I think I had heard they did not as it was a republic and all were thought to be equal. I must ask about that at Mr Ridley's class as if there were slaves how could all be equal?
Father did not take a great deal of the different tasty things on offer. I tried a little of most from a soft boiled egg, a poached egg, kidneys in a rice dish, thin slices of almost transparent ham, slices of a hot-tasting sausage, smoked fish in more rice and two rashers of bacon. I forbore from having the cut pork pie or cheese slices but mopped up with a good hunk of fresh white bread.
Father said he felt better after that potion and burped twice to make sure his pipes were clear for making a joyful noise in church which was a feeble excuse I thought for the rank odour of his breath. I was about to say that I hoped Mr Plummeridge's tripes were clear as two farts from him would poison the choir so father would have to sing even louder but remembered he hadn't experienced that particular emanation. I ventured to mention how he had spent most of the evening talking to the Member of Parliament.
"He's a good fellow. I can't compete, though, with the supply of racehorses. Most specialised and some of those cost thousands of guineas. Good money if you win. He says he had an interest in one stallion which pays his expenses for a month each time it stands. He has an estate near Newmarket and we have an invitation to visit when the races and sales are on." He laughed. "You'd need more than your fifty guineas to put a few wagers on. He said there are several of the gentlemen who think nothing of putting a thousand, or even five, on a wager and smiling if they lose." He shook his head. "Doesn't seem to spend much time in the House. Says they talk drivel most of the time and want to spend more money. I said they should vote to reduce the Income Tax but he said nothing could be done without the money coming in. Of course, Boney cost us a real packet in the past and those Afghans have done for us recently so the Army and Navy are forever asking for more. There'll be trouble in India next he says. I'll have to ask Billy about that. He thinks there'll be more trouble here, too, unless they get more employment in the North. Those riots last year were the start in his opinion."
Father was now sounding most gloomy. I knew nothing about riots but I had heard plenty of tales about Boney and his defeats and then about the massacre of our troops just a year or so ago. I rarely bothered to read the news-sheets which came to the Hall each week in a bundle. Father usually had one on the breakfast-table and used it mainly to swat flies which dared to descend on his plate. Lancelot always read them avidly and grunted and swore quietly whenever he read things he did not agree with. I also knew nothing about politics. Well, I knew Mr Peel was the Prime Minister and he was a Conservative but didn't understand how that was different from being a Whig. Perhaps that was another thing I could ask about with Mr Ridley.
I felt I should change the subject and said I'd enjoyed talking to the Duchess. He did laugh at that and said her first husband had died young and she'd married the next young officer who came along who then inherited a Dukedom quite fortuitously, as his male relatives had the nasty habit of dying and he was the only one left. I laughed, not at the Duchess marrying, but at the news there was another 'nasty habit'!
I was most forward and said I thought Marmaduke was not suitable for Rosamund. I didn't quite say he was a ninny but I think my Father agreed. "She ought to meet someone better," he said, "I'm fond of Rosamund and she shouldn't go to waste." That led to the next question.
"Is that Adolphus really a Baron?" I asked.
Father's grunts of displeasure were often loud. This one was fortissimo. "Can't make out whether the fellow's a fraud or not. Ask your Uncle. He's convinced the man is true and he should know. Fanny says he popped up a year or so ago and has all Society swooning over him. The ladies I mean. I'd kick his arse and send him packing!"
I said he and Marmaduke made a fine pair. He said he thought I might be as good a judge of men as of horseflesh and in his opinion the same rules applied. No good asking more as the serving lads reappeared with more tea, hot rolls and fresh butter.
Breakfast was soon over after devouring such good things. Father was now in a more agreeable mood and said he'd better go and get a shave from Mr Tolliver who wielded a good razor as he couldn't appear in the Cathedral as shaggy as a goat. No response from me even if he might expect one!
I made haste upstairs, too, as I needed the jakes again and found all my best clothes had been neatly folded in the closet and was standing staring when Jabez re-appeared dressed very smartly in a new grey livery with silver buttons.
"You make me look quite dowdy," I said, "This is your Sunday best, eh?"
He laughed. "Milady says she can't have her servants looked down on by anyone else, high or low. And you don't look dowdy, just ordinary!"
"Jabez Bottom," I said, "When that uniform comes off and I'm not wearing my Sunday suit I challenge you to a proper wrestle and you'll be tickled until you beg for mercy." If Mehmet was supposed to be ticklish I knew the best way to defeat Jabez was to play also on his major weakness.
He laughed, too. "If it's a proper duel you have to throw down your glove after slapping my face with it. Your brother told us that, remember?"
No, that would be like challenging to a real duel. "You will just get a slap with a wet washcloth on your bare arse!" I retorted. "That's much more in keeping with your lowly station, even with silver buttons! And I doubt if you have clean under drawers on."
I would have to subdue my unruly valet especially one who then said 'Ballocks!'.
He busied himself raking the ash in the grate and setting more wood and coal on the fire. He carefully positioned the guard again and I told him about the fire in Wood Street. He said he knew the family when I described where it had been. He said the son was a lazy creature and he felt sorry for the mother as she was a hard-working woman. I then said about Terence and his lies about Curly. Jabez said he liked looking at the statue and I riposted that it was only because he had a little bit more to show. That rude word from him again and a snort of laughter from both of us. He said he wondered why such a grown youth had such a tiny pizzle and I said I had seen pictures of Zeus and Ganymede from Greek pots and also Icarus flying high and they were all depicted with tiny pricks.
"It must be Greeks then. I will have to find some and inspect them," he said, "I will ask Mehmet if there are any who use the Baths."
We were giggling about this as we went downstairs and collected hats, cloaks and gloves. I held up one of my gloves and the naughty boy mouthed that word again. Those objects of his would be squeezed and his ribs tickled until he screeched. I couldn't think more and had to compose myself as everyone was assembling for the journey to the Cathedral.
My mother and father with me, Marie and Jabez would be in their coach. I hoped Rowley knew the way but he would have one of Uncle's grooms on the box with him as young Peters was at his aunt's. Aunt Fanny and Rosamund would be with their maids Doria and Jane in Uncle's best coach and I wanted to witness their first journey with four of the greys.
I wasn't disappointed as the coach drew up. Mr Churcher was resplendent in his voluminous dark cloak with a black tricorne hat bearing a green and gold cockade and who should be on the box alongside but a solemn Natty Dyer! Natty also was tricked out in knee britches and a fine cloak. He had a tricorne hat as well and looked so proud as Pembridge and Perrett opened the coach door and let the steps down. The Wright family entered and then it was our turn as our coach appeared and the procedure was repeated. We were off with Rowley driving us most sedately following the rather grander conveyance. We had to be early as many other coaches were converging on the Cathedral but instructions had been given that we could enter by the clergy entrance. Here my brother-in-law was waiting all ready in preaching gown and bands with two vergers. He greeted us and left us with the vergers who held their staves up and led us to the front row of the seating. I felt rather exposed as the place was so huge. The servants were shown into a side row but were also in a prominent position.
My young nephews came in next with my sister Hatty. The boys had obviously been told to behave like little gentlemen but seeing Grandpa, Grandma and Uncle Tom they were most excited. My mother kissed them both and my father was ready to hug them fully but just held them as he bent to their height. They grinned at me and I patted the seat next to me. There was a slight pause as they decided who would sit next to me. Paul, as usual, won as he said he was the elder, by half an hour according to my sister, but Philemon would claim me later as he was the chatterbox.
I was fascinated as the organist was playing quietly and the sound echoed around. I had only been to the Cathedral once before for a service but had been taken around to be shown the Whispering Gallery and the crypt on a previous visit just as Robin and Philip had been recently. James had been a curate at another church and had only been appointed here the previous year. My mother was very proud of her son-in-law and said he would be a dean or a bishop one day.
I sensed the place was filling fast but I did not dare to look around. I contented myself by looking at my Book of Common Prayer and the hymn book which the verger had given me. With a swelling noise on the organ all stood as the clergy and choir processed in. Soon my young nephews would be looking and sounding like little angels as well! I was so taken with the solemnity of the occasion whatever happened as far as ceremony, communion and sermon were concerned they passed as if in some great dream. I listened to the rolling cadences of the organ at the end as the vergers approached and guided us to the side. It was then I realised three boys had materialised and were waiting. They must be the Harrison lads as the youngest was so recognisable from Philip's drawing.
We stopped in a row as the carriages were not yet in position so young John Harrison came up to me.
"You must be Master Browning, sir," he said, "I am pleased to make your acquaintance."
I smiled at him and held out my hand. "Master Harrison I am pleased to meet you."
This meant the lads had to be introduced to my parents and Aunt Fanny and Rosamund. Mr Harrison then came up and Aunt Fanny knew him as he had acted for Uncle Digby on occasion. Father thanked him for the work he had done with Mr Grindcobbe. I told John Harrison I had a gift for him from Philip Goodhew and Aunt Fanny said the three boys should come for morning tea at eleven o'clock on Tuesday. They looked quite taken aback at this and then so pleased.
We could have walked to the house in Paternoster Row but protocol demanded we did the short journey by coach. Hatty said they kept a simple household but it still meant a butler and two footmen and I wondered where they all lived in the tall narrow building as there must have been a cook and parlourmaid as well. I hadn't been here before, just to the clergy house where they had lived until last year which had been somewhere just across the river. We had good roast beef of which I was very fond and there was plenty of conversation which went on while I and the boys played with their toys. I had to tell them what was happening at Careby which they would visit again later in the year and that my big brothers, their other uncles, were in the barracks near the Queen's house. They got quite excited about this as they had seen the Queen's guardsmen and their horses and we had to set their toy soldiers up as if for a battle against the French. Poor French, always having battles against them!
All too soon we had to say our farewells. Father was in a very benevolent mood as I saw him give Hatty quite a few jangling coins before we left. "For the boys," was his instruction, "but something for you and James as well."
I promised the pair I would try to come and see them again before we returned to Careby. I thought it might be possible to give them a ride in the chaise and visit the Harrisons as John had amused them with some tale while I was talking to his brothers in the Cathedral who wanted to know if Robin was well. We might even find a toyshop for more painted soldiers as I felt quite flush with money.
The rest of the day passed fairly quietly at the Wrights. Uncle Digby was resting but did appear for a light supper later and there was a constant flurry amongst the servants preparing for the Ball tomorrow even though it was the Sabbath today. I was told there would be an orchestra of a dozen or so in the gallery at the end of the room. I had noted this but hadn't realised it's use. I thought I could secrete myself there as I had no desire to dance - as I couldn't!
Aunt Fanny had plans for the rest of the week as she said again that there would be an At Home. It would be on Thursday afternoon and I would be expected to play my flute and perhaps the pianoforte. She smiled at my look of horror. "You must practice both..." she advised, "...When not eating," added my Father. Aunt Fanny said I was a growing boy and she could remember the piled plates he had consumed at every meal at my age, and since! Anyway, she said she had been particularly impressed with my playing of the piece by Wolfgang Mozart and that would be perfect to start the afternoon. Rosamund offered to accompany anything I wanted to play on the flute. I could not refuse and vowed to make the best of it. I would worry about practising after the Ball was over as there were other things to do and think about.
At bedtime Jabez was quite excited about being so prominent in the Cathedral as usually he had to wait outside with the coachman. I couldn't punish him for his rudeness in the morning but I did say I thought his pizzle was diminishing in size, probably because he frigged it so much and he would soon match Curly. Perhaps, I said, that was why all those Greeks were shown like that as they were worn down as they could not keep their hands off themselves and he would be the same. I was being jocular but he thought at first I was being serious and looked rather worried. Actually, I thought his piece was even thicker though no longer than I remembered from a year ago. I would have liked to place a rule against it to see if it now exceeded the near eight inches when he was but sixteen. I surmised it did but I wanted to make sure but I had no means of exact measure with me.
Because I had laughed after my diatribe he realised I was not being serious. That meant we experienced our usual shared pleasure twice over before we were exhausted and fell asleep. So the day of the New Year's Ball dawned.
To be continued: