TIME-TO-SEE-37
"Alright, Mr. Ramirez, if you'll just put on these earphones and step into the booth in front of you."
The earphones looked huge to me and were as big as the bandages they had put on me right after my operation. And the booth looked like a confessional booth that they borrowed from Our Lady of Perpetual Peace Cathedral.
The operating instructions they gave me were simple: "There is a button on the panel in front of you. When you hear a tone you press the button, and you hold it depressed until the sound goes away." "Okay. Simple enough... Let's get started," I thought.
But they went on and on... (duh!...) "Now be careful. Sometimes the tone will be very, very faint... that is, you may still be hearing it, but it is very low in volume we say. Some of the sounds will be high frequency tones (Like a whistle), and some will be low frequency tones or we say Base.
We know that it gets boring going through these exercises, but they really are the only way we can determine what you are hearing, the volumes that you can hear, and when you are registering silence. Silence--or no sound--is just as important to us as sound. We want to know whether your new cells are inventing sounds and telling you something is vibrating your eardrum when it isn't... Don't worry. People with normal hearing aren't sure whether there's silence sometimes... Just try to be as accurate as you can be...Then we'll talk about it when you've finished.."
Autiometric testing confirmed that I had acquired hearing competence in all frequencies from 15 to 21,000 cps, a generous, normal range of hearing, they told me.
And as I continued my music lessons with Guillermo, I discovered an unusual hearing capacity I'd acquired, right along with the new hearing itself: I had perfect pitch, or Absolute Pitch to be technically correct.
That's the condition where I could hear a note and identify it by it's octave and name, or produce a tone named for me, using my voice, without any external reference. None of the measured capacities described in testing or in my guitar and music studies seemed bazaar to me... They just happened, and suddenly I could hear all of these things. I was beginning to feel pretty happy with my new abilities...
But I have to admit, most important of all, of course, I could hear other people, and talk with them, and hear them say whatever they had to say, especially, "I love you." That was the most wonderful experience of my entire life.
It was well into a month after my operation, and I was working very hard on my language studies and guitar lessons every day. In fact, my days were filled largely with these two activities. Then, in the afternoon, Kevin and the boys would show up, and we would talk and laugh and enjoy one another.
Everyday, the boys would delight in bringing me new jokes that they could tell me.
Q: Why did the chicken cross the road? A: To get to the other side... (Groan!!!)
Q: Why did the chicken run across the road? A: There was a car coming.
Q: Why did the chicken cross the road halfway? A: She wanted to lay it on the line.
Q: Why did the Roman chicken cross the road? A: She was afraid someone would caesar!
AND
Q: Why did the chicken cross the road? A: To prove to the possum it could actually be done!
But they laughed at their own jokes no matter how lame, and they delighted no end to entertain me. As for me, I felt loved by all of their attention, and I learned a vast array of jokes that I could tell my teacher, who would groan too in response... Life's simple pleasures are the best...
I was beginning to hear from Dr. Kavanaugh and his staff that day 42 might be my "Launching Day." That is, they thought that I might be ready to go out into the world by that day.
One afternoon, just before that happened though, Craig showed up at the hospital, doned his "Martian Gear" and visited me in my quiet room without Jake or anyone else. The nurse asked me whether I wanted to see a Mr. Craig Zimmer, but I was ready to explode for visitors-- always. "Absolutely! Let him in!" I answered.
"Thanks for letting me in. I thought I'd just take a chance that you'd see me," Craig said.
"Oh, yea, man! I'm so eager to feel like a normal person who gets a visitor that doesn't have to be processed through security... I'm beginning to feel radioactive," I answered.
"What's up? You must have something to be willing to go through wearing the Martian Costume get-up..." I said.
"Well, yeah! It's sort of embarrassing, but maybe you won't think I'm too self-centered for stopping by..." Craig answered.
He went on, "You know how I asked you whether you'd be interested in doing some art for one of my floral projects? Well, the Publishers of Platinum Children's Books are having a convention in San Diego, and they sent me an RFP-- that's a Request for a Proposal-- to provide floral decorations for their closing banquet...
"You know, important people in the industry have dinner in the Hyatt hotel dining room: give each other awards, probably drink champagne and overeat."
Craig saw that he had my undivided attention at this point. "I was thinking that you might be able to either do some stuff yourself, or make guiding sketches and supervise another artist in the actual production for displays on the walls and maybe smaller artwork for table decorations. I'd create flower accents after I see what you might have in mind in the way of scenes... What do you think?"
"Uh! Well I'd like to help you out, but I haven't read any Children's books..." I said.
"Oh, that wouldn't be a problem. I could bring you the book I had in mind. You could read it, and then see what scenes came to you... At least, maybe that's one way to approach it..."
"What book would you want me to read?" I asked.
"Alice in Wonderland. It's the English classic by Lewis Carrol (Charles Lutwidge Dodgson). You'll enjoy reading it too. That is, if the whole project doesn't sound insufferably boring already. Would you be willing to give it a try?" Craig asked.
Well, with that I took on my first job for Craig. And not the least of my excitement was his Fee for Service Offer of $10,000 for the whole job! (I nearly passed out! I'd never thought that I would ever earn that much money at once-- EVER!)
I had to sit down and figure out just how much I'd be getting for doing what sketches, how many wall-size ones and how many little ones for the tables. But the immediate thought of $10,000 made my heart pound. I just had never been able to earn this kind of money before... ever! "Wow! I can't wait to tell Kevin," I thought....
"Well, sure...bring me the book..."
"It's right here," Craig said as he produced a 500 page hardback book whose size kinda shocked me...
"I'll read it and make some preliminary sketches for you. How big is the dining room and how many wall-sized sketches do you think would be needed?" I asked.
"Well, I think we'd need four 4' by 6' panels for each of the four walls, and probably 20 table decorations." Craig said...
"OMG" I thought.... That's a lot of fucking work! But with a little quick mental math it seemed like maybe $100 per table, and $500 for each wall panel.
"Well, that's really a lot of work, and if I have to supply the paints and oversized paper for the walls, I'd say that it would be kinda minimum wage... Each of those panels will take 50 hours easily, just the size alone. Intricacy would be up to us, I suppose... Do you think I'm being a pig?" I asked.
"No. I need for you to be entirely realistic. Yeah! I see what you mean. Let's make TWO proposals: If our preliminary sketches are really good and the floral accents striking, let's propose the project at double their offer.. Like at maybe $20,000." Craig suggested. "Then we can suggest a stripped down version for the $10,000 figure they are offering. (Maybe reduce the wall work to three scenes per wall.) Can't hurt to shoot high, yet cover ourselves if they're in a cost-saving mode."
You can't imagine how scared I was. Can you imagine ME, Hugo, getting $10,000 for MY art work! That's a fantasy... Or so I thought at the time...
Craig said, "Okay. I'll get back to you in two weeks. Maybe you can read Alice in Wonderland and knock out some primitive sketches good enough for the two of us to discuss, and then we can decide what we ought to do from there... Can you live with two weeks? Is that too much pressure for you while you're still in the hospital? I don't want to pressure you and destroy your hearing. That would be like committing murder, and I couldn't live with myself." Craig asked.
"Uh? I don't know," I said...
"I'm pretty scared I won't be able to do what we're thinking..." I went on...
"Look. Nobody has ANY expectations right now. Just you do your thing, and then we'll decide what we ought to do next. Maybe we'll decide to scale down everything a whole lot. I don't know. But if you feel like it's pushing you with your other responsibilities, just let me know and we'll slow it down or maybe even "sit this one out"... There's always the next one," Craig said.
And with that he left me with more to think about than I had EVER had to consider in my working life. My life and my skills were valuable now. I really didn't understand the notion of "pacing one's self". But I learned it on this project, that's for sure..
Kevin and I talked about Craig's offer to involve me in his RFP for the Publisher's convention. "Look, Hugo, your life is opening up like a gorgeous rose, but I have to tell you that it scares the shit out of me that you might push yourself to meet art production deadlines and wind up destroying those new hearing cells."
"Kevin, I really DO understand what you mean. That scares me too, but, on the other hand, I feel like I have to try. My whole life I've only cleaned up puke and washed floors and vegetables for $10 an hour. This might be a chance for me to earn a better living-- which will be for all of us, Kevin. The boys are going to cost money too. I mean if we give them the best opportunities for good educations and we travel a little." I told Kevin.
"What about your language lessons and your guitar lessons, are you going to drop them?" Kevin asked me.
"Oh, God NO!" I said. "NEVER!"
"I'm going to school on my own after Dr. Kavenaugh's Project stops providing instruction to me. It's really making a difference, Kevin. Can't you hear how much better my pronunciation is after just a month of working with Beth? She's expanding my vocabulary too. I get the best feeling inside after a lesson with her. This is the new world of hearing that is more important to me than the art."
"And what about Guillermo," Kevin said.
"I'm improving very fast with Guillermo teaching me," I explained. "Again, Kevin. This is my hearing! My music is more important to me than the art. If the art can bring in some money, all well and good, but it's my music that I want to see develop."
"Oh, Hugo. You are so important to me. Please don't get so involved with everything that you don't have any time for me and the boys... The operation and healing has consumed all of your time. We know that, but we don't want to lose you to your new passions. As it is now, we have to come to visit with you! Hugo, we want you to come home and be with us all the time. We love you. Please don't forget us!" Kevin said with real worry and pleading in his voice.
I didn't understand how it was possible to jeopardize our family if I got so involved in my new activities. But my conversation with Kevin made that clear. I just had to think about everything and decide where the highest priorities lie... Oh, God, was that going to be hard... I loved hearing and the beauty of language it revealed to me, and I loved music which reached deep into my soul to nourish me, but I couldn't forget my sons and my partner...MY FAMILY, damn it!! What am I thinking?
I was really panicked. I didn't know how to divide up my time and efforts. I'd just have to try out working with the art, and see whether I could earn some money without killing myself, my family, or my new hearing... Yeah. No way around it. I was fucking scared of screwing everything up with my ignorance of how to manage my life.
Then Dr. Kavanuagh came in one morning after my conversations with Craig and Kevin. "Hugo, you are doing splendidly; I am eager to have you attend a meeting of the Irish Medical Society where you could speak and answer questions about what this stem-cell transplant experience has been for you."
"Sure," I thought, "just what I needed: more demands on my time!"
I'd be Guest speaker at seminars and general world traveler. At that point I just told him the whole, confusing, dangerous mess about the art, the music, and language classes.
"Hugo, you are bound to feel overwhelmed with the incredible new possibilities that have opened up for you."
"Yeah. I feel like I want to do everything at once!" I said and smiled self-consciously.
"Well, if you begin small in each of the three areas that attract your interest, then you can expand your activities in each as your time permits. Just go slowly, and use trial and error. When something becomes too much, don't hesitate to stop immediately. You have to think only of yourself and keeping your health: all the rest is secondary. You've worked very hard to get this far, Hugo. You deserve to see the rewards of your hard work."
"If I travel to Ireland or places in Europe, will I have to pay my own way?" I asked.
"No, of course not... Travel and lodging and meals would be provided by our research project."
"Would I be able to take Kevin and the boys with me?" I said.
"Yes. And I think we could even arrange to cover their travel expenses too-- excluding souvenir shopping, of course." he replied smiling.
I didn't really get directions from Dr. Kavanaugh, but just acknowledging to him my worries made me feel freer and permitted me to try things for myself.
Kevin and the boys absolutely mean more to me than accomplishment of any kind. I do need to earn a living, and the new art possibility can help me take care of my family better.
"Okay," I thought, "I could try Craig's project, but I'll tell him that we may need to get a back-up artist to cover if I can't make the deadline."
Then I thought, "What if travel and speaking at medical meetings get in the way of art production?"
"Craig said we had 8 months to do everything. So all I can do is read that huge book and see what pops up in my mind... and then, well,.. well,.. we'll just have to wait and see..."
"Oh, yeah! Dr. Kavanaugh. I've been meaning to ask you about something else that I've got to do, that I don't know whether it's possible because it might damage my new hearing cells..."
"What's that all about, my boy?" Dr. Kavanaugh said.
"Well, you see this black Maltese cross tattooed on the back of my neck. I want to have it removed with a laser. Is that going to be possible? Uh? You know, will a laser hurt my new cells?" I asked.
"Turn around, son, and let me take a better look."
Dr. Kavanaugh looked at the back of my neck carefully and then said, "Well, Hugo, I'd only permit that if it were done by a medical doctor who was absolutely expert in the use of the laser. In the hands of an amateur, the laser energy could scatter and be a danger. Why do you want to remove the tattoo just now?" he asked me.
"Uh? Well..." I hesitated, because I felt really self-conscious. "You see, before the operation I was scared that the cell transplant wouldn't work, but I went to church and told God that I understood that I couldn't get a guarantee that I'd get to hear...
"However what was MOST IMPORTANT, I realized, was that my life had become so wonderful when I met Kevin, and then we found Nicky who joined Jilder and him and me in our family; that even if I didn't get to hear, I appreciated all of the love our family found, and I really, really appreciated everything that He had done for me, for us actually... "
"I used to be angry with God for letting my parents go back to Mexico and leave me and Jilder here in San Diego, where I had to work and take care of him. That's when I got the tattoo, when I was angry at God. But then I realized that I wasn't angry with God any more, I was grateful to him for the love he'd sent to me through Kevin and Nicky and Jilder. So, I promised him the night before the operation that whether I got to hear or not, I was removing the tattoo from my neck to say thank you for all the wonderful things He'd given to me."
"Now I want to make good on my promise. I understand that you have to decide whether it would be safe for me to do it, but it's really important for me to get it done... What do you think, Dr. Kavanaugh?"
"Well, my boy. There's nothing to stand in your way to say thank you to God. If you'd like me to arrange for it, I'll have a dermatologist who specializes in laser tattoo removal come here to your isolation room to remove the tattoo. I suspect it would take a series of treatments. I really have no specific experience with such matters, but I think it's essential that we work on this together, you and me... if you don't mind my intruding..."
"Oh, no. Sure. I'd appreciate anything you could do to help me." I said.
"Fine. Then tomorrow I'll explore the availability of such a laser specialist, and we can set up a treatment program."
I know that I smiled because I felt so good when I realized that it was possible to get the laser treatment and that Dr. Kavanaugh was actually going to help me.
"Oh, thank you, Dr. Kavanaugh"
Kevin and the boys came in that night, and I told them about all of us getting to go to Ireland and maybe Europe too for me to speak to their medical society about the stem-cell operation.
Kevin said, "Babe! You're kidding, right?"
"No, Kevin, I'm not... Dr. Kavanaugh asked me about going just today." I said.
"Oh, Dad! Ireland... and Europe... Wow! And we could go with you, on a big airplane?" Nicky blurted out.
"Yep! Nicky. As big an airplane as we could find, and we could visit interesting places after I attended the doctors' meetings and spoke to them about my operation."
"Could we go to the meetings too, Hugo," Jilder asked.
"Well, sure, if you want to... It's probably going to be pretty technical, but you might enjoy it."
Jilder said, "Yeah, Hugo. Nicky and me really liked watching you get your operation up in the gallery with all those medical people. It was like a real operation..."
"Jilder! It WAS a real operation!" I said...
"Oh! Sure. But you know what I mean... It was just like television when they have a doctor's movie and the doctor operates on the actors..." Jilder tried to clarify.
"Well, I can tell you'd be interested in going. So I'd really like for you to take advantage of the opportunity," I said.
Kevin said, "Humm? I wonder what it would be like for the boys trying to clear airport security with those steel bars in their chests... OMG. I'm sure THAT'S goin to be a 'trip.' The TSA inspectors will have a cow..."
"Yeah! Life is so complicated... Well, anyhow, it's something for everybody to think about. We might be interrupted in our lives to go off to Europe," I considered.
"Yeah! We're going to Europe. We're going to Europe." the boys chanted like they were some kind of cheering squad...
"And how are you going to work in that art project, Hugo?" Kevin asked...
"I really don't know," I said.
"I'm going to get going on it, and then make changes as I have to as I go along... What else can I do? I need the money, and Craig seemed excited to get me involved. I think the time is right. But you guys: Jilder, Nicky, Kevin, YOU are still number one in my life. I have to work, but I want to be with you guys as much as possible, because I love all of you."
Kevin said, "Well, Hugo, the boys have work to do too. They've got an education to get, and working on their Home Schooling is the way that's getting done right now. So we've all got to be conscious that the family comes first, but we've got to do our work too..."
That night after everyone left, I couldn't relax. There were so many thoughts whirling around in my head. But there was only one way to deal with this mess of thoughts in my head: and I yelled "Shut up!" Somehow I had to stop with the thinking. I needed to become quiet enough that I would be able to hear God's messages to me.
I reached over to the table next to my bed where Alice in Wonderland sat like a mountain that I would have to climb in the next week. So I supposed that I could get started tonight.
Before I knew it, I was captivated by Alice and the Mad Hatter. Whether this book was for kids or not, I wanted to read it. The competing thoughts that cluttered my mind faded in this wonderful place where Alice traveled. I would be able to find what God wanted me to do next, where I was quiet, there in wonderland, I felt sure of it...