TIME-TO-SEE-34
THE WORLD ACCORDING TO HUGO - PART THREE
Looking back, I'm glad that Thanksgiving fell a week into the first two weeks of my stem-cell incubation, because, otherwise, the time seemed to be dragging by. It felt like forever since I had been rolled out of the recovery room with my hoodie over my head.
The boys insisted on making Thanksgiving decorations-- pictures they drew of turkeys, and orange and brown crape paper strips. And they hung them around my room. I have to admit that it did feel good to be the center of their attention. I've never had permission to be the recipient of everyone's attention at once. It felt really good.
The hospital prepared a generous Thanksgiving Dinner leaving out nothing, and Kevin and the two boys joined me in my room for Thanksgiving dinner.
I had been feeling really good for a couple of days after Thanksgiving, so good that it worried me a little. I thought that something this momentous ought to be causing me more distress-- Humm?
After Thanksgiving, the boys began to bring their homework with them when they visited me, and together they'd go to the larger table across from my bed to write their assignments.
I watched them as they jabbered with one another; I supposed they were asking questions of or consulting with one another on the work. On a few occasions they went to get some extra help from Kevin, who was always willing to teach a lesson or explain again anything either of them might ask. From what I could see, they were productive every day; although I didn't really know the details of what they were studying.
Kevin wrote to me one evening, "Babe. I want to tell you how pleased I am with the boy's work. They are making excellent progress," He told me in written notes that he kept private, just between the two of us. "You know, that Jilder is really quite intuitive and fast when we study mathematics; it comes so easy to him." Kevin also told me, "Nicky, too, is quite bright and diligent beyond anything I've ever seen in a boy that young. They make great study partners."
No question about it: we had two wonderful kids sharing our life.
Even though no one actually put up numbers on the wall as the days passed, I was sure aware--everyday-- of what day I was in and how day 11 was already at hand.
I began to feel a little nervous and excited too that day 14 was so close. I'd lie in bed and concentrate on anything that I might recognize as hearing, but nothing seemed unusual to me... Just the same old way I'd always felt-- silence.
One evening, however-- well, I remember exactly: it was day 12-- I began to get popping in my head. First there was one pop, then maybe a half-hour later, several more... just very quiet popping. I didn't know enough to say they were sounds. They felt "built-in", somehow, not related to anything that was going on around me; so I didn't say anything to anyone. Immediately, however, I thought that something might be happening to those new cells.
Dr. Kavanaugh came alone that evening on one of his hourly visits that had drifted to every two or three hours. It was a little after supper.
I wrote on my pad, "Dr. 'K'. Earlier tonight, something was going-- and I clapped my hands to imitate the popping-- in my head. Could that be the new cells?"
I've never seen anyone receive an emergency telephone call, but I THINK that's the way Dr. Kavanaugh reacted. His response startled me. Good grief, I thought. What did I do? Just one or two little pop, pop, pop... really, no biggie, I thought....
Well, you would have thought that I'd just reported a heart attack.
Dr. Kavanaugh grabbed the pad and asked, "was their any other unusual feeling in your head?"
"Hummm? No. I don't think so...." I felt so sorry I didn't have anything else to report.
Dr. Kavanaugh wrote further, "Hugo, would you do me a great favor and call my cell phone if those pops happen again... I know you won't be able to say anything, but you could tap on the phone-- and he demonstrated what he meant by using his cell phone and the pen."
"Oh, yeah! Sure." I wrote on my pad. "Do you want me to call you even if it's late at night, like maybe it wakes me up?" I asked him in writing.
"Absolutely!" he wrote. "ANYTIME." And he underlined anytime three times.
While we were writing to each other, the popping started again; this time it was really uncomfortable, and I had to grab the sides of my head and squint because it sort of hurt-- Well, not HURT!, but it didn't feel good either.
Dr. Kavanaugh wrote to me, "Is it happening right now, Hugo?"
I nodded yes while still squinting and holding both sides of my head.
Dr. Kavanaugh wrote some more: "How bad is the pain? Can you stand it, or do we have to give you a shot? I'd rather not give you anything, if you can stand it, because I don't know what effect an opiate might have on the new cells."
I wrote him back, "It's not that bad. I'll let you know if it gets worse..."
"I'd rather give you something for the pain, than have you pounding on or pulling at your ears. The stem-cells are making critical probings to connect microscopic dendrites with your central nervous system. That's what you're experiencing. This is a critical moment, Hugo. We simply must not disturb the process."
Well, you can't believe what an impression Dr. Kavanaugh made on me. I was so scared that I knew I would rather pass out from pain than pull at my ears.
A bazarr recollection flashed in my mind. When I was maybe Jilder's age, I started having my very first erotic dreams that eventually became wet dreams (nocturnal emissions, as the polite world would have it). The first ejaculation I ever had was painful-- it felt good too, but mainly it stung me, right in my crotch where I learned my prostate gland is positioned. In a way, my hearing was coming on-line like my prostate did, with alarming little signals telling me that something wonderful is about to begin.
Here were more pops.
I wrote, "MORE POPS!" on the pad.
"Are you in any pain?"
"No, sir. My head doesn't hurt now, but the popping is going on almost constantly... It's pretty annoying..."
Dr. Kavanaugh smiled and wrote, "You've heard the expression: "No Pain No Gain!" I guess it might be part right... (and he drew a happy face...)"
"Well," I wrote, "We must be gettin plenty of gain because they don't stop... The popping is pretty much non-stop..."
"Okay, Hugo." He wrote, "Hang on. We don't know how this is going to be. You are the first; so it's like you're the first human being in outer space... we've tried to think of everything, but you'll be really all alone for a while now..."
I understood what he was telling me...
I wrote, "But you'll stay with me, won't you?"
"You won't be able to get rid of me to even go pee alone!" Dr. Kavanaugh answered.
I smiled but that made me feel much better. I didn't want to be alone. "Where the fuck are my guys," I thought.
I jotted on the pad, "What time is it, Dr. 'K'?"
"Hum? I've got almost seven p.m."
I thought to myself, "Kevin and the boys ought to be getting back here after supper any minute now. Hope nothing is holding them..."
I asked Dr. Kavanaugh, "Will it be alright if Kevin and the boys stay in the room with me and you, while my head it popping? I'd really like for them to be with me. I feel much better about everything when they're around...." I looked up at the doctor with a touch of pleading in my eyes...
"Of course, Hugo," he wrote. "Nothing could be disturbed if they are with us; and if you are more secure with them here, then by all means we'll find them a place to sit in on whatever's going on."
The popping was continuing, but, as I wrote to Dr. Kavanaugh next, "I can't any longer tell one pop from another. It's just one continuous pop, one pop on top of another, and on and on. I can't tell what's going on, except there's this feeling going on in my head that's new."
At that moment the nurse opened my door and the three space people came in: Jilder in the lead, as usual; Nicky at Number Two Position; and Kevin always there to make up the difference.
Dr. Kavanaugh spoke to Kevin and the boys, "Gentlemen, Hugo is reporting nerve activity that is consistent with maturation and integration. In plain words, he's getting the first signs that the stem-cells have continued their development and are now making contact with his central nervous system."
Both boys were beside themselves, but they remembered that they couldn't go bonkers and make noise. They simply looked at one another and said, "Coool!"
Then they turned and looked at me and smiled and jumped up and down, kind of bouncing in their shoes without moving their feet... I thought that was a pretty creative maneuver for them, given that restraint has never been high on their list of virtues...
Kevin came over to me and put his arm around me.
Dr. Kavanaugh said to Kevin: "I'd like you and the boys to stay on tonight for as long as you can, maybe even grab some sleep out in one of the lounges or on the sofas over there, if you can stay all evening."
"Of course, we'll be here continuously, indefinitely, if need be," Kevin replied.
"Good. Thank You,"
Kevin turned to the boys and said, "See, guys, I knew you'd be glad we put out the extra food and left the dogs out in the yard before we left. We might be here for two straight days, who knows?"
"Yeah!" Jilder put his hand over his pants pocket and felt the hard lump that he had concealed there before he left home; it was the PSP player that he had loaded specially.
He knew that he wasn't supposed to bring anything that made noise into my room, but nobody had to know, Jilder thought-- except him and eventually me-- Jilder hoped...
I wrote on the pad of paper to Dr. Kavanaugh, "I don't know what to say except there's A LOT of stuff going on in my head. It's more than just popping now; there's a lot of 'whhissssh-ing'."
Dr. Kavanaugh wrote, "I think it would be correct to term this the first NOISE you've registered. I don't want to say 'heard', because I don't think the noise is related to exogenous stimulation."
I wrote back, "Yeah! Maybe NOISE IS the word to name it... It sure ain't words, and it doesn't mean anything to me.... Well, I don't THINK it's words-- I guess I don't exactly know what words are like."
"Well, Hugo, your brain will try to make sense of what it thinks are incoming signals that we'll call noise right now, for lack of a better word. And you won't know what to associate the pops and whish-ing signals with; so it won't be sensible to you at first. But we're hoping very quickly, you'll correlate them with exogenous stimulation-- vibrations outside of your head-- that the rest of us register as sound. At that point, Hugo, you'll begin to make sense of it automatically. You don't have to try or put out any effort, Hugo. Your brain knows what to do with this new input. Just give it time to figure out what's going on..."
I wrote back, "Thanks. I'll just wait until something makes sense. ??? I have NO IDEA what I'm doing... :-)" And I drew a happy face with it's tongue hanging out... dopey, but that's the way I felt.
The doctor had been there for over an hour after Kevin arrived. It was probably after ten p.m. when he wrote me a message, "Are things pretty much the way they were when all of the pops stopped seeming to be separate and finally turned into what we called noise?"
"Yeah!" I wrote. "No change, except the noise is coming in waves, like the sea... By that I mean to describe that they come in a lot, like a big wave, and then they come in much less, like a little wave, and then there are waves of all different sizes... nothing makes any sense, but those guys in there are sure havin a busy night, whatever they're doin..."
The doctor read what I'd written and smiled. "Well," he wrote. "I'm going down to get something to eat. I have my cell phone with me; so please call and tap on it the way I showed you-- ANYTIME things happen to change."
"Okay, doctor. Are you coming back tonight?" I wrote.
He picked up the pad and wrote me a page of information: "Yes. I'm thinking that there may develop enough integration across the new cells that you could get some kind of rudimentary hearing tonight... I'm not exactly sure what is going on. I will be calling in our stem-cell experts too. We will need to inject additional stem-cell growth stimulator. The conditioning that your cells received before they were returned to your body made them receptive to the growth process; continued grow-signals, in the form of additional growth enzymes to them now, will insure that a full and healthy connection will be built. My staff will be in later this evening. How are you doing? Do you feel tired?"
"No, doctor. Surprisingly, I don't feel tired at all, even this late at night." I replied on the pad.
"Well, you should feel free to doze or go to sleep if you want. If you would do better with the boys and Kevin somewhere else, don't hesitate to ask them to go into the lounge outside. Or, if you want, they can sleep on the sofas in here with you," the doctor wrote.
"Thanks. We'll do okay. I don't feel stressed or like anybody is expecting me to do somethin for them... like.... I'm on vacation!" I wrote and added a happy face.
The boys decided to go out into the lounge outside of my room, where they could talk with the nurses and watch television. We supervise television at home. Here they can watch any dopy thing they want... The nurses are real push-overs for two attractive, charming 11/12 year old boys. Jilder and Nicky have learned how to work the crowd, so to speak.
Kevin came over to me with his pad, "Are you hurting or in any kind of pain, Babe?" he asked.
"No, Kev. I just have this constant "stuff" going on in my head. I don't know enough to call it hearing but it's definitely different from just thinking or being touched and feeling something that way. It's "noise" the doctor decided to call it."
"Just as long as I know that you aren't in any distress that you can't handle. I'd raise more hell than you can imagine if I thought your head was hurting you, and the doctors were ignoring you," he wrote.
"No, Kev. They're treatin me really nice. You read the doctor's message about me maybe getting some shots tonight to tell the cells to keep growin! I'm all for that!" I answered.
At that moment the door opened and two of the doctor's staff came in, both wore white coats and one carried a little white box.
They both smiled and waved "Hi!" Then one put his pad down in front of me. The pad read: "This is to introduce Dr. O'Ryan and his assistant who will be examining you. They will also be asking you some questions, and probably giving you an injection. They will use needles so fine that you will hardly feel a thing. Please stop them or ask questions whenever you want... You can still reach me at my cell phone number. Signed, Dr. 'K'."
I smiled back and wrote "Okay." after I finished reading their message.
The first thing they did was blow gently into my ears and ask me if anything seemed different.
I wrote down, "Your breath is warm and smells like onions. Otherwise, the noise is the same... It's there and it never stops."
I could tell that they laughed, but I didn't really hear anything.
They examined the incisions and gave me a thumbs up signal, which I guessed said things were ok.
Then they pulled out a very tiny hypodermic syringe and needle from their little box; it was so thin I could barely see it. They wiped the skin just below and behind my ears with alcohol and gave me an injection of something that was over almost instantly. And there was no particular feeling to it, just that I knew they'd done something, but sure nothing painful.
Dr. O'Ryan wrote hastily on the pad and let me see it when he finished. "We'd like you to lie on your back for at least 20 minutes and allow the injections to be absorbed before you walk around, say go to the bathroom or such. That injection will refresh the hormonal solution that continues to signal the stem-cells to grow. We think you are on the brink of actual hearing. The cells must have connected through to your central nervous system, but their signals are not representative of the vibrations being received by your eardrum and other hearing apparatus. Your brain is just interpreting the signals as noise with no informational value. But, don't be discouraged, things are just getting started!. We'll be back to visit with you in about 2 hours-- that'll be around midnight. Go ahead and sleep. We can wake you if we feel it's necessary."
And he grasped my shoulder and rubbed and patted me on the back.
I read their longish message and nodded my understanding with a smile.
Then they left Kevin and me alone in the room.
It was after 10 pm by now, and the boys should be at home! (Meaning IN MY ROOM, not out running around flirting with the nurses in the hospital!) Kevin and I agreed that he would leave and go find them. We decided that they would both sleep in my room tonight.
Kevin brought sleeping bags that we could put in one corner, a development that I'm sure both boys would think was "cool." Well, okay, the floor did have a thick carpet and there were plenty of pillows. Kevin would get the sofa, and I had the hospital bed. We'd all do just fine. And I WANTED THEM ALL to be here with me too.
Lying back and relaxing, I dozed off on my back in my bed. Kevin and the boys both came in and settled down in their sleeping spots for the night, and I never even noticed their activity.
It was well after midnight when I was awakened. As soon as my eyes opened I read the digital clock on my bedside table. It said 2:14 A.M.
I realized that Dr. O'Ryan must have come in a long time ago and just elected not to wake me. But why did I wake just now? I didn't need to pee...
I thought for a moment. My head felt different from the way it did before I fell asleep. The noise had stopped. Now it felt quiet, silent as it used to all the time, except there was a different noise in my head now. This one was very small, but it was pleasant. I had no idea what this noise was, but I liked it.
"Maybe I'm beginning to hear," I thought.
"I mean REALLY hear sounds, but what kind of sound could this be?" I wondered.
It was the middle of the night, and I was in a sound proof room. Then I turned my head, but the noise didn't stop; it kept on going. I looked around the room slowly, first at Kevin asleep on the sofa and then at both boys in their sleeping bags on the floor in the corner. When I turned my head so that my ears were facing toward the boys, I realized that there was more noise in my head.
"The noise must be coming from the boys somehow," I decided.
"But, they're both asleep; so they couldn't be making the noise. Maybe I'm imagining something," I thought.
"Maybe I want to hear so bad that my mind is inventing this nice noise."
"No. That can't be right," I thought. "Because the constant noise that I'd been having all afternoon and evening was gone. And this pleasant noise was in its place. No, this must be hearing. Am I really hearing?" I wondered growing excited.
I sat up in bed, threw my legs off on the boy's side, and slipped to the floor until my feel touched the carpet. There was a faint light in the room; so I could see to walk over to where the boys lay.
Sure enough, as I got closer to Jilder, there was more of the pleasant noise. "I MUST BE HEARING!" I thought.
I was so excited that I almost jumped up and down. I was so incredibly happy. You can't imagine how wonderful I felt and how beautiful I thought the nice noise was.
My stirring roused Jilder who looked up at me from a groggy, half sleep. "Are you okay, Hugo?" Jilder asked, not really awake. He had a puzzled expression on his face.
"Yes, Yes!" I heard Jilder speak! But I didn't understand what he had just said. I just answered the first thing that came to my mind.
I pointed to my ears and tried to say, "I hear."
Jilder had awakened quickly as he began to put together what was happening. In the process of sitting up, Jilder dropped his PSP, and the pleasant noise in my head increased.
"I hear noise. I hear good noise." and I looked around for the source of the noise. Jilder reached over on the floor and picked up his PSP that he had programmed to play Christmas music. He had been playing it very low while he slept.
He handed me the PSP and on the screen was a song title:
Silent Night
There was a great deal of noise now, and it was so incredibly beautiful. I just cried. The tears gushed from my eyes, as I sat there on the carpet holding the PSP with Jilder. Jilder crawled over next to me on his knees and put his arms around me and his head on my shoulder, and we cried together.
We must have been making quite a commotion because in short order Nicky was next to me with one arm around my back. Of course he wouldn't have known precisely what was happening, but in general, he knew something was going on with me in the process of regaining my hearing. Kevin came over seconds later and joined us all on the floor around Jilder's PSP playing Silent Night. I just couldn't stop crying, I was so unimaginably happy to be hearing those beautiful sounds.