TIME-TO-SEE-32-WAIT-ALT
The World According To Hugo
As soon as the nurse turned on my IV drip, I began to feel light headed; something began happening to me that I couldn't resist. I had no choice: there was simply nothing else for me to do except surrender. So I gave up.
I was NO LONGER CONSCIOUS. I must have gone to sleep, but still I WAS NOT UNCONSCIOUS. It was like I was awake but in a very pleasant, untroubled dream. The most delicious sense of floating about and great peace overtook me.
Surgical prep had allowed me to drive myself crazy. I pictured the doctor cutting my ears off with a butcher knife and opening my head like he was opening a tin can with a can-opener.
Still, looking around, I didn't understand where I was. I didn't see much of anything at first. A light fog was everywhere, and white clouds drifted overhead, seeming as if I were outdoors in an open, grassy field.
I decided that I would just sit down and wait until it was time for me to go. Now I wasn't quite sure WHERE it was I would go, but I had a vague idea that I was waiting for something, although I wasn't sure what. Was I was supposed to be doing something here?
And then an older gentleman walked up to me. He was a little man with bushy hair and moustache, and very odd looking clothes, the kind that I'd seen in very old photographs. A pipe hung from his mouth.
I looked up and greeted him, "Hello."
"Well, good day, Sir," he replied surprised. "What are you doing there?"
"Waiting."
"Oh, Indeed. And what are you waiting for?"
I felt foolish, but I had to reply honestly: "I'm not sure; I forget."
"You don't know why you must wait, but you are waiting? That's unusual," the man said, holding his pipe that evidently was not lit, because there was no smoke.
I answered: "I remember my family took me to the hospital, and they told me that they would wait for me, but I don't remember where they went."
"Hummm?" the gentleman said. "It would be reasonable to conjecture that you had some business there that has allowed you to wander away from your body-- step out of your little box, as it were; that must be how you find yourself here with me."
"Really?" I said with astonishment.
"Indeed." he replied. "I'm not waiting for anything. Waiting makes no sense."
He continued: "You see, most of the time YOU are trapped in a little box- your own little box- that is inside of a very large box, and everyone you know is in his OWN separate little box as well. You all believe together that because you are in your own little boxes, that you couldn't possibly be together as one. But you forget that all of the little boxes are together in the very large box. You cannot possibly ever be alone, Sir. Being alone is an illusion."
I wasn't at all sure I understood what the gentleman was talking about, but he didn't frighten me, and I did enjoy having the company and someone to talk with while I waited.
"Well, where is my box now?" I asked.
"I'd say," the gentlemen continued, "Most probably you have allowed the surgeons at the hospital to operate on you, and thus accepted their anesthesia that has dissolved your little box for a while, and left you free to join WITH ALL THE REST OF US. Right now you are free of your little box, and you are aware of timelessness, which is present where you are everyday, but which is obscured to you by time and space."
"With all the rest of 'us'?" I asked. I don't see anyone else.
"No, because you don't realize that each one is everyone; we're always together-- well, we're ourselves (different/unique), but not separated from one another either (the same). Those little boxes only exist where YOU reside these days-- in time and space. You see, Reality is actually timeless. And right now you have become aware that you too are a part of the timelessness."
This was the strangest gibberish I think I've ever heard, but it was fascinating too, and I couldn't remember that I had anything else I had to do; so I thought I'd just enjoy having the company.
"Sir, what is your name," I asked.
He replied, "Alberto."
"Oh, my boss is named Alberto," I said. "My name is Hugo."
"Nice to meet you, Hugo. Often, I go by Albert, but since you are from a place where Alberto is more familiar, I used that form of my name."
I went on, "You know, Sir. Usually I cannot hear, but it's so nice to be here with you and have the experience of hearing and talking. It's as though I can hear very well."
Then Alberto said, "Indeed. You DO hear quite well, Hugo-- you always have, and you always will. While you were in your little box, something happened to you that upset the system that translates the time and space signals that you call sound into the hearing that takes place in timelessness. But, you know, when you're here in timelessness, without your little box, there is nothing wrong with your hearing. You can 'hear' my communication quite well. And I yours."
"Oh, now I remember. I went to the hospital because the doctor said he might be able to start my hearing working again," I volunteered, very surprised and pleased that I knew.
"Hummm?" Alberto said, "I think there is a very good possibility that the doctor is right. You see, since everything is actually present at the same (Can I say, "time"?) in timelessness: the possibility that you DO NOT hear, and the possibility that you DO hear, are present at the same "time." They are simply infinitely close, different BIG boxes that are present, that you can move between effortlessly. This doctor can help you change big boxes."
Alberto did not seem to care whether I was grasping his words of encouragement for me. He simply gave them selflessly, "Now all of the big boxes exist together: what you call past (not hearing), present, and future (hearing). In each big box, there is a different reality, that is-- a different configuration of stuff, and you move between (or experience) each box so rapidly that, together you think they constitute what you call 'the movement through time.' You want to be in the 'hearing-box.'"
Alberto was thorough: "Of course, that's all an illusion-- like a moving picture is an illusion; it doesn't actually move. It is merely a series of discreet images that you view (experience) sequentially, and thus you tell yourself THAT is the movement of time."
"The whole movie is there at the same instant (hearing & not-hearing). All of the frames are present at the same timeless moment. But whether you are viewing the not-hearing frame or the hearing-frame, doesn't change the Real you."
Alberto looked at me very seriously and said: "You, Hugo, are perfect, in hearing and in everything else, just as God made you. Only in "time & space" do you experience the guilt and fear that you are defective, and which you punish with deafness and eventually death."
Alberto was trying to help me to understand what had happened to me, but I'm afraid that I didn't understand. However, I realized that he was convinced that he knew himself; so being here with him, I knew that it must be true... I decided that somehow I actually MUST live in timelessness, the way Alberto explained; he pointed out that--after all-- there was nowhere else for us to be!
I asked, Alberto, "When we're in time and space, and we are all together in that big box, and we just move from one big box to another, then isn't my family- Kevin, and Nicky, and Jilder- all in the same big box with me?"
"But of course. However, none of you has the experience of actually BEING "ONE ENTITY", TOGETHER IN THE SAME BIG BOX, because you are also SEPARATED in your own little boxes as you jump from big box to big box, hurtling through the illusion called time and space."
Well, where are they now?" I asked, thinking I might have "caught" Alberto!
"They're right here with us too, waiting..." he said. "There's nowhere else to be, Hugo."
"Well, I don't see them," I replied.
"Of course not, because YOU jumped out of their world, THEIR BIG BOX, and exist now, standing-by, in timelessness and not in ANY of the Universe of big boxes of time and space, while they have the illusion that you are gone, and that they are no longer with you; but that is untrue. You are simply in the timeless instant; they are moving through space creating time!"
"But I DON'T WANT to leave them," I replied in a panic, fear taking over where it had not been since I started speaking with Alberto.
"You haven't left them... But if it will make you feel better, then just return to time and space when the doctors call you back. That's simple," Alberto answered.
"How do I know that Kevin, Nicky, and Jilder will be there?" I asked with some desperation.
"Because, they were with you and will never leave you, as you can never leave them, even though it is possible to jump out of space and time separately. Ultimately, there is nowhere else for them to be except with you, and you with them, in timelessness, except they can misperceive that in favor of the delusion of time and space."
Sure enough, the boys were there when I returned, when I woke up. Yes. I knew they were only boys, but they made me a promise, and they didn't forget me. They loved me and they told me so by being there; I know that they really do love me.
Kev was right in front of me too, but it took me a minute to realize that he had been there all along, from before I opened my eyes. I knew that I could depend on Kevin. He's the one person in the world I can always trust.
I think my family is God's Love sent to me in forms that I can see and talk to in time and space. And Alberto certainly helped me to see that all of us are together now and would remain so in timelessness. I don't have to worry.
Dr. Kavanaugh and his staff were really wonderful. He seems incredibly intelligent-- all of the doctors do. I hope that I don't end up disappointing them. I have no control over whether the cells will grow in my ears, but I can keep myself quiet and not move around. I don't want to disturb the cells for anything; I'll eat good too. I don't want to disappoint all of the wonderful people who are here trying to help me to hear and who love me. And I know that I really do want to hear...
Shouldn't I be able to remember what it was like to hear as a child? But that was so long ago, actually I don't. It's like when people around you tell you that you experienced something when you were really little, but you still don't remember it. It's weird. I don't understand why I don't remember ever hearing?
When hearing comes back, you know, I don't know what to expect. I wonder what it will feel like. Will it be like seeing? Will it be like touching? I think it is something like both of those things, but different.
Of course! It MUST be like it was when I was speaking to Alberto: completely natural... But what if it's too much for me? What if I want to wear plugs to stop myself from hearing? I think I'm talking crazy now...?
I've got to pee. I wonder if I'm supposed to get up and do that. Nobody told me. Well, I don't want to fall and hurt myself or hit my head. No, God. I'll have to be really careful.
But, you know, I don't feel groggy. I don't feel sick. I do feel like I have a lot of something stuffed in my ears. I sure hope that feeling goes away, 'Cause that's going to get shitty after a while.
I wonder if I should get up and go to the bathroom or if I should call somebody? Is there a button on the bed I can use to call the nurse? Humm? I don't see anything. Wait a minute. It's over there on the bedside table. I can lean over there without falling over.
I pushed the button, and a nurse showed up.
I wrote down for her. "I have to go to the bathroom, can I go?"
The nurse wrote down for me to read, "Do you feel dizzy?"
"No." I replied.
"Okay. I'll roll you over there in the wheelchair and get you inside the bathroom. You have to sit down to do your business. Then I'll wait for you," she said.
Well, thank God that turned out to be easy. Now I wonder when they'll take me to my room?
I stayed in the Recovery Room for a while longer. Kevin and the boys had gone to eat, but the visitors kept coming. I didn't know many of them; still it was nice to have people wishing me well. They carried little signs saying, "Hugo, get well soon."
Eventually, the nurse wrote down that they were moving me to the Quiet Room; so I got in the wheelchair and put on a hoodie that protected my head from drafts and off we went.
We arrived in the Quiet Room.
But how the hell am I supposed to know that the place is quiet? My entire world is always quiet!
Okay. I'll take their word for it.
I wrote on a pad for the nurse who delivered me to the Quiet Room, "Do you want me to lie down in the bed all the time, or can I sit up?"
She wrote back, "For a while, maybe for a week, we'd like you to lie down flat, or nearly flat, and not hit your head or move it quickly."
"Sure." I wrote back.
That didn't seem hard to do.
"I haven't felt any pain yet," I wrote. "Is that normal? Will my ears or head start hurting after the anesthetic wears off?" I asked
"Hugo, your anesthesia HAS worn off, and the tissues around your ears were never treated with any local anesthetic. If you are not in any pain, then, unless a secondary infection occurs, you might get by with almost no discomfort."
"The stuff that they put in my ears doesn't feel too good," I wrote. "Is that full feeling going to be there all the time?" I asked.
"No. There are tubes of matrix fibers that hold your new cells in the place that they need to be, in order to grow into the proper position. Those tubes will eventually dissolve and be absorbed by your body. Right now they feel odd, I'm sure, but in a month or two, you won't feel anything unusual in your ears," the nurse explained.
"Do you want to watch T.V.?" she asked me by writing on the pad.
"No, thank you. I never watch T.V." I replied.
"Well, that's just as good," the nurse wrote. "It's sometimes a real waste of time..."
I smiled and settled back on the pillows. I did feel a little tired, although, of course, it was just the stress of the surgery that I was feeling.
"I think I'll take a little nap until Kevin and the boys get back from their lunch," I wrote.
"That's just fine," she wrote back. "I'll bring them in when they get here. They can wait until you're awake."
And with that, the nurse left me alone. This was the first time I'd been entirely alone since the IV began. What time was it? Maybe it's four, by now. I'm really not hungry at all... I guess that will come later. And I faded away.
It must have been after six when I woke! Wow! I had no idea that I was that tired.
I looked around hoping to find Kevin and the boys, but there was a note pinned to the front of my hospital gown:
"Kevin and the boys are here. They're waiting outside for you to wake. Just buzz me when you want me to bring them in... Nurse Katie"
I couldn't move fast enough to find that damn call button, which I pushed two or three times... I wanted them to know I was damn well wide awake and ready to see my family...
In about ten minutes the door opened and in walked two mystery guests less than five feet tall dressed in hospital scrubs that were too big for them, shower caps that made them look ridiculous, and face masks that wouldn't have fooled me for an instant. Kevin was dressed similarly, although he didn't look quite as ridiculous, even though all of them had been dressed just this way in the Recovery Room.
The boys came directly to the bed, stretched way across the bed, and gave me a hug. Kevin did too.
I wrote on my pad, "How was lunch/supper everybody? Where'd you go?"
Kevin took the pad and wrote back for me to read, "Where else, Coco's. The car has an embedded computer chip that drives there automatically, and there's one not too far from here."
I laughed, but Kevin continued writing, "How are you feeling, Hugo-- now be truthful!! No Bullshit..."
I said, "Well, really, guys, I feel pretty good. I'm not in any real pain. The stuff that they put in my ears is not comfortable, but the nurse said that eventually that feeling would go away--like in a month or two; so I'm thinking that I'm doing really good."
Kevin wrote, "Well, I guess now we wait?"
"Yeah! Except I want to keep busy." I wrote.
"What do you have in mind?" Kevin replied.
I wrote on a new page, "Will you go into the back of our closet at home and go into the largest of the boxes that I brought over from my apartment and dig out my sketch book. It's a pretty large, spiral book. I'll have the time now. I want to do some sketches."
"I didn't know you did sketches," Kevin wrote in surprise.
"Yep! I love to draw, but I have no time for it. Working and taking care of life used up all my time. Now I'll have time for myself... In that sense, it's nice being here," I said.
"Okay. If you want, the boys can visit with you, and I'll drive back home to get your sketch book. Do you have pencils or pens, erasers, and stuff?" Kevin wrote.
"Yes. There's a blue plastic box containing all of those things, somewhere near the sketchpad in that big box."
"That will be no problem. I'll go get your things right now," and Kevin stood up to leave.
"No. No. Please. Do you have to do it right now?" I asked writing on the pad. "I'd like to be with you... Or actually, you could just bring the sketch book to me tomorrow when you come back." I wrote.
"Well, sure. I just wanted you to have it as soon as possible. Maybe I'll make a special trip back over here tonight; so you'll have the stuff tomorrow morning. You remember that I'm using eight to eleven as school hours for the boys. And I'm not letting them off except they'll get next Thursday and Friday off for Thanksgiving Vacation. I want them to be serious about their work." Kevin wrote.
"I think that's great. I know what you mean; the boys will think that they're on permanent vacation if you don't make em do their school work."
Jilder grabbed the pad and wrote, "Can't we get to visit with you everyday? You're in the hospital!!" he wrote very indignant.
"Of course," Kevin wrote back. "But we'll come over here right after lunch each day. Except we'll be here all day every day for the Thanksgiving Holiday, and that's four days: Thursday, Friday, Saturday, and Sunday. You guys will have lots of time to visit here... You realize Hugo's going to be in the hospital for a month!"
"Well, OK. I just want to be here as long and as much as they will let me. Remember, he visited me when I was in the hospital! I can make up the school when Hugo isn't sick," Jilder pleaded.
I thought I'd better step in and help Kevin out a little. He was going to be out numbered two-to-one very shortly....
I wrote, "Listen guys, you have to do a little school work every day; so you'll learn all that math and English you missed. If you miss lots more days on top of the days you've already had to miss school, you'll have a hard time catching up. I think you ought to go along with what Kevin is trying to do. If you want to, maybe you can bring some of your homework here to the hospital when you come. You don't have to go home each night until you're ready. Of course, we'll have to work out meals, but otherwise, you can stay here and maybe explore the hospital for as long as you like."
"Well, OK. Just as long as you have plenty of company and don't get lonely." Jilder put on the pad.
"Yeah! I think that too." Nicky wrote next to Jilder's last line.
Kevin spoke out loud to the boys, "Sure. I don't mind bringing you to the hospital anytime you want to come, but also, remember, you've got to feed the dogs and play with them a little while everyday. They'll get lonely if you ignore them too." He jotted down the jist for me.
"Yeah. I forgot about that," Jilder wrote.
"And somebody's got to clean up the poop and put it in the trash can every couple of days," Nicky added.
Kevin wrote too: "Of course, we all have lives that we have to live, and Hugo knows that. When you guys were sick and in the hospital, Hugo had to go to work, but he came to visit with you at every possible time. Wasn't that okay?" Kevin asked them
"Hummm? Well, mostly," Jilder said, holding out for times he recollected feeling lonely.
"Just like you guys needed to rest and start your healing, Hugo needs to rest and let his body heal too," Kevin explained to them, trying to help them connect realistically with this next month when I would be isolated.
"Yeah. I know," Jilder conceded. "I'm just going to be here as much as I can be; so Hugo doesn't feel lonely." And that was his final position that he was not likely to budge from.
"Yeah. Me too," Nicky said in solidarity.
These guys were NOT going to let me get lonely-- maybe not even get any rest either.... hummm?
And then I thought, "I know that I should never feel alone again. The World's Great Illusion of time and space will certainly continue, and sometimes I'll fall for the illusion, but Alberto showed me "the way to reach the attainable measure of peace of mind " was to trust in what he told me: that the boys and I and Kevin can never be separated. There's no where else to be except together in timelessness-- the time and space delusion notwithstanding. I like that."
POSTSCRIPT
The following was written upon the occasion of the death of the child of one Mr. Robert S. Marcus:
TO: Mr. Robert S. Marcus World Jewish Congress 1834 Broadway New York 23, N.Y.
February 12, 1950
Dear Mr. Marcus:
A human being is a part of the whole, called by us "Universe", a part limited in time and space. He experiences himself, his thoughts and feelings as something separated from the rest -- a kind of optical delusion of his consciousness. The striving to free oneself from this delusion is the one issue of true religion. Not to nourish the delusion but to try to overcome it is the way to reach the attainable measure of peace of mind.
With my best wishes, sincerely yours,
(signed) Albert Einstein.