Time to See

TIME-TO-SEE-20

Hugo had not ridden his bicycle from the townhouse to work before, but this morning- this last day before we'd get the kids from the hospital- he decided he would.

It would be a half-hour trek, but I supposed he had ample time, and there was plenty of room on the side of the road to the hospital; so I really shouldn't have worried, although I did wonder what might be going on with him? Why would he want to ride his bicycle today? He knew that I didn't mind driving him in.

Of course, Hugo couldn't drive. That is, he didn't have a driver's license, because in his illegal immigrant status, he wasn't permitted to get a license. But he couldn't afford to buy a car either; so he had a bicycle, and that had worked for him for the last six years.

Tomorrow at eight a.m. we would be going to the boys' hospital together to bring them home; so today was our last day as "single men," so to speak. Maybe that had something to do with Hugo's curious independence: riding his bicycle. I thought about it briefly, but then I didn't really know what was going on; so I dismissed it?

Hugo spoke continuously, stream of consciousness, in his mind like the rest of us, but the world never had a clue about his inner concerns or of what he said to himself.

Hugo thought, "I'm even going to be early. Terrific. I haven't lost my speed. Riding my bike today was just what I needed. It makes me feel free and able to take care of myself, and it keeps me from feeling trapped. All I do is work and work and work. I wish that I didn't have to think about work all the time."

"Jilder and I needed to eat, and we needed to have a place to live; I know WHY I've been working so hard, but now I feel even more trapped. Why?... I shouldn't."

"Everything has changed since I met Kevin, and in all ways for the better-- many nice things, but it's actually scarier for me than before; I can't believe it! I'm worried all the time!"

Hugo peddled faster and faster and moved swiftly on his way to work. He was an able, athletic rider, and he was making very good time. His thoughts turned over and over in his mind as he sped along, just as fast as his bicycle wheels rolled over and over on the pavement:

"Oh, I fell in love with Kevin the first time I saw him, and I never had a doubt all those weeks he lay unconscious, but now I worry about not being able to please him by paying for the things Jilder and I need: like our food, clothes, and now there's medicine... I worry about making him angry because Jilder and Nicky and I are such a load on him."

Hugo looked over his shoulder quickly and then darted up onto a bike path that stretched along part of his route to work. "I'm scared Kevin will get angry with me after a while and want me and Jilder to leave..."

A pair of bikers passed Hugo going the opposite direction, and he had to swerve to miss them because the path would barely accommodate three bikers across. "And I'm worried sick all the time... "

"And now there's Nicky too..." Hugo slammed on his brakes at the street crossing; his brakes squealed and he skidded to a stop just short of tumbling into a lane of moving traffic on the boulevard.

But Hugo was deep in thought: "God I love that kid. And he's a Gringo too! What's come over me that I'm falling in love with all of these white guys I meet?"

The traffic light signaled Walk; so Hugo road across the boulevard and then re-entered the bike path on the other side. "I don't want anything to happen to Nicky. How will I ever take care of all three of us if I have to work and keep an apartment by myself? I don't think I can do it... but I'm going to work extra hours and try. I'll see whether I can support all of us: so if something awful happens...." And Hugo's bicycle sped faster and faster as the pace of his worry accelerated.

Finally Hugo arrived at the hospital and with plenty of time to spare before his day began. He parked his bike; his mind slowed down, and he walked to his locker in the hospital's Services Staff area.

"Alberto (He was my boss) came over to me and put his hand on my shoulder turning me around to face him. He was really nice to me, helping me to understand even though I couldn't hear him," Hugo thought.

Alberto was thinking: "Hugo usually gets what I mean if I just play act. So, I'll point to the laundry cart and then at the clock. Hugo knows that it has to be rolled around to all of the floors for the morning laundry, but he's got to get started..."

"I knew it was my job to do that right away, before anything else, like before any other jobs. I SHOULD HAVE started on my own already...I don't want Alberto to think that I'm lazy and forget when to get started. I don't need to make more worries for myself."

"I pushed the cart out to the service elevators as quickly as I could. But when I got to the third floor, some nurse grabbed my arm and pulled me into one of the patient rooms. I looked around and saw an old man on the floor. I guess he must have fallen down, and she couldn't pick him up, and she had to be yelling because of the way she looked."

"Picking him up was no problem for me. The man was actually frail, but he was dead weight; he didn't help move himself at all, but it didn't take me long to get him back into his bed."

"It felt very good when the nurse gave me a hug and a little kiss on the cheek to say thank you. I know people touch me when they actually want to talk to me. They know I won't hear; so they touch me instead. A lot of the time that's nice, but really I wish I could hear and talk to them... I really wish I could hear..."

"With the man back in his bed, I gathered the laundry on the floor and got it all down to the big hospital laundry room."

That place was always hot and damp feeling, which I didn't like. I liked to get in and out as quick as I could. Next I had to pick up the laundry from the other floors. "It's late," I thought. "I really need to hurry; I have so many other things to do today besides laundry."

I was already in the service elevator going back upstairs when two nurses got on, both talking together. They rode up to the 5th floor, and I went on to the 6th where I was gathering the laundry that the nurses had pulled from the beds earlier.

While the nurses were getting off the elevator, one of them grabbed my hand and put a piece of cake in it. She pointed to a badge on her sweater that said Birthday Girl... I said, "Thank you."... the best I could... "Maybe she understood... I hope so..."

On the 6th floor I went into an end room and found myself staring right at one of the nurses who was stark naked lying on her back on the floor while an orderly was fucking her!

"Now I am not bothered by seeing other people having sex," Hugo thought to himself, but he turned quickly to leave!

"I was just surprised not so much shocked... I never knew what I'd see next in that hospital. I didn't want to get into any trouble myself or to make anybody mad; so I just turned around immediately and almost ran out of the room. I even left the floor taking only the laundry that I had gathered so far. I just wanted to get out of there."

Hugo hurried on to the service elevator, pushed his laundry cart in place, and then poked the down button four or five times trying to make the elevator start faster. "Of course I won't let a single person know what saw," I thought.

I realized it was time for the physical therapy sessions that I had to help with. I went back upstairs and met with the physiotherapists who ran the program.

The therapist showed me how to walk with a young man who had surgery for a soccer injury. He was almost as big as me, but I allowed him to lean on me while I walked up and down and he learned to walk again. This part of my job makes me feel good. I feel like I'm really helping people to get well, and it's different with every patient.

The people who work here are great, showing me how to do things knowing that I can't hear their instructions. I am so lucky to have so many really good people in my life.

It seemed like I'd only just gotten started in physiotherapy when it was noon, and I had to run down to the kitchen where I picked up food for the new mothers' ward. I bussed the food up to the nurses on the OB ward and sometimes delivered individual dishes to the new mothers who had their new babies in little beds next to them. The new fathers were always pretty funny looking: dark under their eyes, tired, like they had been awake all night. Probably they had been.

Then back to the kitchen for the food for two other wards. I was only responsible for food to three out of the twenty or so wards in the hospital. Feeding went on until around one thirty usually, unless there was a special banquet in the dining hall that I had to help with.

Now, with lunch all done, there were the dirty dishes to collect and return to the dish washing room. That was another place in the hospital that I hated to visit. It also was hot and damp and smelled like garbage all the time.

Sometime when I covered for somebody who was sick and worked there all day, I smelled like garbage myself.... all over.

My hair smelled like garbage, my arms and hands smelled like garbage, and they were red and raw from the scalding hot water. Whenever possible, I got in and out of the dish-washing room as quick as I could. Today, I just dropped things off and left.

Oh, yeah, the really worst job of all was doing the huge pots and pans. My hands were stinging for days after just one shift on pots and pans.

Now it was clean-up time. Although I hadn't even eaten myself yet, it was time to move on to the next job.

I doubled back to the main kitchen and grabbed some food that I thought was good for me to eat, and then I took it out onto a little patio just outside of the building, not far from the loading dock.

It was surrounded by bougainvillea and azaleas bushes with bright pink flowers hanging from them in warm weather, and that was most of the year. Not many people knew about this place; so I could eat without worrying about a lot of other people around me. And no one would be trying to get me to do something else when I really needed to eat. The patio was nice and peaceful. I enjoyed being there.

Sometime I wished that I could just talk to somebody. I felt lonely sometimes, even when I was at work. Not that there weren't people around. It was just that I didn't feel close to them because I couldn't speak with them or hear them speak. I think that is the most wonderful part of being with Kevin. We write all the time, and he takes as much time as I need to really talk with me. Then I don't feel like I'm alone.

"Should I dare to let myself think that maybe, just maybe I will be able to hear some day, if I go through that operation the Research Group has for me?" That scared me too.

I've survived by not thinking about bad things, or things needing to get better. I have survived by letting myself be happy with things however they were. I was healthy enough to work. I had Jilder whom I loved and was my reason for pushing on when I was too tired or ran out of money. So I couldn't hear. So? What could I do about it? Nothing. Well, not until now... (Maybe I ought to try the operation?)

Then, I began to think about Kevin and Jilder and Nicky all over again... The thoughts ran around in my mind, and I just couldn't get them to stop.

I thought, "Since Kevin and I started living together, life has been better for me than it has ever been, and I realized that I really did want to hear, and for life to get even better and better for me and Jilder and now Nicky too." Yet I was feeling afraid that things might get very bad again too...

Now there's Kevin, and I know that I don't ever want to be away from him, but I worry that I will do something that will make him angry with me, and I feel dread that maybe I will do something bad.

Maybe I worry too much? Kevin sure acts like he wants me to be with him, and he really seems to love me too. But I still feel like I have to be careful not to do something bad.

What would Jilder do if he didn't have me to take care of him-- so I'd never even consider trying drugs? No, I needed to be clean and able to work to take care of Jilder. And besides I didn't like the crack heads I've seen.

Now, though, after his operation, Jilder won't need me to pay such close attention to him-- maybe? I hadn't thought about that before... But there's Nicky now too. The two of them together will have things that they'll want to do; so Jilder won't need me around him all the time. And Kevin wants to be with them both too when he can. That might mean then we could all have so much more fun together if I could hear; it could be so much better for me too...

I realized that I had to get moving. Alberto would be looking for me to start cleaning the bathrooms and the showers. I had to do them in order, and he knew how long it takes; so he would look for me around the half-way place to see whether I needed more cleaner, soap, or toilet paper. If I didn't get them done, I didn't get to leave on time; so I learned to work quickly.

I put on rubber gloves and used the spray bottles and sponge mops plenty fast. I WAS going to be out of there by three P.M.... especially today, because today I was going to start my 3 overtime hours down in the kitchen where the cooking was going on.

The cleaning done and all of my material returned to the storeroom, I ran down to the chef's office.

Chef Papas took a pad from his desk and wrote. "Good to see you, Hugo. We're starting tomorrow's menus. Take this list and get these vegetables from the walk-in refrigerator; then start cleaning them outside on the cleaning table like I showed you last week. I'll be out in a while to see if it's going OK."

I nodded and took the piece of paper from his hand.

"Six bushels of broccoli, three bushels of tomatoes, two bushel of onions, four bushels of romaine lettuce, four bushels of cauliflower, six bushels of white potatoes, and a three small baskets of cucumbers."

It took me a while to move all of that food out to the cleaning area. Then I had to turn on the water that irrigated the cleaning table where I'd wash and trim each piece.

I wondered whether I'd have to do all the cleaning by myself, but in a few minutes two women joined me and started picking up the vegetables, trimming and washing them too, and tossing them into large steel bowls that they'd brought with them.

I could tell that they were speaking with each another, but when they first walked out where I was bringing in the veggies, they smiled and moved their lips like they were saying hello. I smiled and nodded back, but I wouldn't be talking with them. It did feel better to be working with somebody else present, rather than being out here alone, even if I couldn't talk to them.

This work was not too tiring. And it was sort of nice to be outside in the fresh air. The women would carry the stainless steel bowls into the kitchen as we filled them, then return with empty ones that would have to be filled again.

After what seemed like no time, Senor Papas, came up to me and indicated that I should go back to his office, which I did. When we got there he started using his pad and pen to talk to me again.

"Hugo, everyday you will have different jobs around the kitchen, but you are a fast learner and a fast and very good worker. I'm glad you want to work here. I hope you will be happy. I will turn in your hours to payroll every night. Don't forget: you HAVE TO sign this card with your name and hours worked on it everyday; so you get paid for the correct hours each payday."

And with that I was free to leave for the day.

I had parked my bike back near the patio where I ate lunch; so I jumped on it and started back home.

It was around 7:30 pm and well after dark by the time I got home. But I was already looking forward to being with Kevin and going to the hospital with him to visit the boys. It had been a long day, but I think I've found that I can do it-- work the extra hours-- survive -- if Kevin made me leave.

And I also know that I do really want to have the operation to get my hearing back... and I pray to God that He will let me hear again... that would be so wonderful... And I have to remember to ask God to help me work hard so that Kevin will not want to send me and the boys away...

Kevin thought, "As soon as I saw Hugo I felt as though my day had finally begun. Being around Hugo had become the central reality of my life. Everything else was there to make being with Hugo possible. There was nothing more beautiful, for me, than the time we were together. Even when we are not able to write or talk together, when we were only doing chores together, like shopping or cleaning the house, or doing something for the boys, life was for living with Hugo..."

I can't imagine what I'd do if something were to happen to him. It's embarrassing maybe, but my life is more wonderful than I ever remember it, since it now provides the opportunity to be with Hugo... And, yes, I have to admit, to a significant degree, life's worth is connected to those two kids that have arrived under Hugo's benevolent wing. They are like an extension of his love that was manifest, that acquired substance, from the beauty of the love that he radiates. And I feel his love all the more when I'm with the boys.

I heard him storing his bike in the garage and stumbling over the junk I had strewn all over the place. Maybe he can transfer some of his neatness and simplicity to me by osmosis or something. God forbid I should have to work "and get my act together" when it comes to tidiness.

When Hugo came through the garage door he headed directly to me over in the breakfast nook.

I held up a pad for him to read. It said, "Hi! Babe. I missed you ALL DAY LONG... Are you hungry?"

He grabbed the pad and went to work immediately, "Oh, you don't KNOW how hungry I am... Today was busy as usual. Plus I worked those extra hours I told you about, which means I'm really, really hungry."

I took the pad and wrote, "Can I interest you in going out to eat at Coco's again, on our way to the hospital? (My treat. :-) We can catch up on the day's doings, eat, and get over to the hospital more quickly if we don't take time to cook here. There'll be plenty of time to enjoy our home cooking after we have the little rug-rats at home."

Hugo read what I'd written and laughed at what I'd said. He underlined "rug-rats" and wrote, "I've never heard of that... the boys do act like little rats sometime, the way they run around and play with things... Why the "rug" part though?" He asked.

"Oh, I don't know, " I wrote back, "It's because they're little and down on the floor where the rugs are... you know, down under your feet making everything more difficult..." I smiled.

"Oh!" he wrote back.

"Well, let's get our asses outta here," I wrote. "Time is rushing by. We'll be lucky to get to the hospital by 9 o-clock. I'll bet those boys are both having a cow wanting us to hurry up and get there..."

Hugo leaned over and pulled me up from my seat. He embraced me in his arms and pulled me close to his big bear-like body and kissed me on the neck, and then grabbed my hand and pulled me behind him toward the garage. I was in no hurry to do anything in particular now that I was with Hugo.

We walked through the doors in the boys' ward and were greeted by both of them sitting in some chairs in a reading area near the door. They had on slippers and pajamas, their hair was neatly combed (Well, in Nicky's case, his hair wasn't so much combed as looking shiny and fluffy all around his glowing face.)

They both looked freshly showered and very neat and well-groomed in general. I could see that they were all ready for us and eager to plan their escape.

"Ho, ho," I said as I walked in, "Look who's all ready to blow this place, Hugo. I think we have ourselves two very cooperative passengers. I wonder whether they have their things packed and ready to leave first thing tomorrow?"

"Yeah, we're packed and ready," Nicky said. "I got two boxes from the nurse and Jilder put his stuff in one of them, and I've used the other one. Do you want to take them out tonight?" Nicky asked.

"Well, I think we ought to wait until you're sure you have everything tomorrow. Will you be ready by 8 in the morning?" I asked.

"Yeah, but what do you want me to put on?" Nicky said. "I don't have anything to wear. I came to the hospital in pajamas, you know..."

"Oh, yeah," I replied remembering the bags and boxes in the back of the SUV. "Suppose I go down to the car and get the stuff you guys will need to get dressed tomorrow. You can put it near your beds tonight; then in the morning, you'll have it to put on right away when you wake up."

Jilder said, "Good. Do you want me to go down and help you?"

"Well, I don't think the doctor or the hospital would like that; so how about I go by myself. You'll have to store the stuff under your beds tonight for tomorrow," I replied.

Hugo pulled out his pad and wrote, "We want you to be all ready to go at 8, when we get here."

"We're ready NOW!" Jilder wrote back to Hugo in reply.

"Yeah! But Dr. Gilmer says tomorrow." Hugo answered.

"Ooooh..Kaaay..." Jilder wrote.

"Did you talk to Dr. Gilmer today?" Hugo asked and showed the pad to both of the boys.

"Yeah. He came in just before supper and asked us how we are doing. I'm doin good, and Nicky is still having pain in his side, but both of us are still good enough to go home I told him...," Jilder wrote.

"I'm sure he appreciated your opinion," Hugo answered in writing.

Nicky wrote, "I'm not real bad, but sometime I get pain in my right side still like I told you before, and I have to lay down until I feel better."

"That's ok." Hugo wrote. "You must not force yourself to do things if you are hurting... Promise me you won't push yourself to move around or stay up when you really need to lie down and rest... and maybe even sleep, if that's what you feel like doing."

"Just because you are leaving the hospital doesn't mean you are healed. Your body has a lot of work to do, and we need for you to cooperate with it," Hugo said.

"Yeah." Jilder wrote. "We understand."

Then with no transition or preliminary conversation Jilder wrote, "Do you think we could get Nicky a PSP-3000?"

Nicky said, "JILDER! Not now... They need to think about getting us home. I don't want to bother them with that!" He was clearly mortified and unprepared for Jilder's candid frontal approach to what was on their collective mind.

I picked up on just a part of the conversation when I walked back into the ward from the car with the bags of clothes. "What's that about PSP?" I said.

"Oh, nothing," Nicky replied quickly trying to do damage control.

Not to be daunted until he'd met substantial resistance Jilder repeated, "Yeah, Kevin, do you think Nicky could get a PSP too. He is learning to play Ghost Centurion-Predators and needs time to practice on his own. But I want to practice too at the same time. We could really use TWO of them." Jilder repeated matter of fact.

Nicky looked at Jilder and betrayed with his expression that he was painfully self-conscious and feeling like he wanted to drop into the earth with no trace of his person left to attract attention, criticism, or rejection.

"Well," I said, "I think that Nicky DOES need his own PSP, and I think that one of the things we can do tomorrow is visit a Best Buy's store to get one for him. I think we can afford one more of those things this month."

"Yeah!" Jilder said. "See, Nicky, you just gotta ask. Sometime it's possible if you just try."

Nicky was visibly relieved and all smiles at the thought of his very own PSP that he will be able to go on line with using the wifi at home and to engage Jilder in war games... Good grief. What happened to REAL "go out and play" affairs, I wondered.

Both boys were truly happy now, and they both started going through the bags pulling out the jogging pants and the shirts and packages of underwear and socks, and so on.

"Wow. Look at all this stuff," Nicky said clearly very happy with his new clothes.

Jilder looked pleased with the jogging pants but looked puzzled with the plaid flannel shirts. "What are these for?" Jilder asked referring to the shirts.

"Well, they're to cover your steel reinforced chests without making you spread your arms a lot, which I don't think you're ready to do."

"If you had cool Megadeath Sweatshirts, they'd be hard for you to put on right now. We'll wait on the pullover stuff until I'm sure that you can actually put it on and get some wear out of it," I said.

"Oh, all right," Jilder conceded that my argument made sense. "And what about some shoes?" he asked. "We can't wear these paper slippers, you know."

"Yeah. Take a look at these Nike's," I said, and I pulled out the boxes of cool white shoes with the wide black swath across the top.

"Oh, yeah!" Jilder called out the instant he saw them. "Them are cool!"

"THOSE are cool," I corrected.

"Yeah!" Jilder replied ready to say anything to get his hands on those shoes.

"Okay, guys. You can try on the shoes, if you want, but let's leave the other stuff for dressing tomorrow morning. And remember, we want you ready to go by the time we get here at 7:45 in the morning," I reminded.

"Oh, sure," Nicky assured me. "I'll make sure Jilder is ready to go on time too. That way we'll have plenty of time to go to Best Buy's..." These guys didn't miss ANYTHING... I only hoped that their dedication and astuteness would extend to their school work.

And so the evening wore on until it was quite late and both boys were exhausted with planning their leaving the hospital tomorrow morning. Both of them said that they wanted to tell this person or that one "good-by". And their list was surprisingly long for two (What I considered scatter-brained, pre-pubescent-adolescents)...

Was I being un-necessarily harsh on the boys? I thought not, but I realize that an outsider might think me so. And thus I will hasten to add that I was probably happier than EITHER of them that they would be coming home with us tomorrow. I loved them both immensely, and looked forward to their presence at home with Hugo and me as much as they wanted to be there-- or needed to be there-- or any combination of the two possibilities. Love has no boundaries or borders, and these boys had unlimited access to my heart.

Hugo was more tired than I. He was the first to stand up and point to the clock and the front door. Jilder rose and went to Hugo and gave him a heart-felt hug and Nicky was right behind him with one that lingered so long that I wondered whether he might not be feeling especially frightened of the changes about to take place tomorrow. Hugo calmed Nicky's stormy seas with his endless patience and his unhurried, loving embrace. He kissed Nicky on the forehead, wiped his hand through Nicky's hair, and never released him, but waited until Nicky was ready to leave his arms and moved away of his own effort.

Just watching this marvelous family with mutual caring so evident made me feel like I'd been given the greatest privilege of which I could hardly believe I was worthy.

And we left one another with anticipation of our being together in the morning.

"Good night, Kevin."

"Good night, Hugo" the boys said.

"Good night, Nicky."

"Good night, Jilder" we answered.

"I love you."