The ride from the hospital to Hugo's apartment was quiet. Neither of us tried to communicate. When I stopped for a traffic light, I looked over at Hugo. He was asleep and his mouth hung open slightly. I know the last two days with Jilder's surgery have drained him.
When we pulled up to his place, and I cut the engine, he still didn't move a muscle. If I hadn't seen his chest rising and falling peacefully, I'd have been alarmed. I really hated to wake him, but I knew he'd wanted to go in.
I put my hand on his left shoulder and moved it gently... His eyes opened and he looked disoriented for a moment, as though he didn't know where he was. He turned his head and saw me; then he smiled and stretched his substantial legs and arms and sat up somewhat. The car is no place for Hugo to spread out. He needs far more space for himself.
Before I knew it, he was out the door and moving quickly up the steps to the main glass door of his building. I couldn't decide at first whether I ought to go with him. He never really said one way or the other. When he reached the door and fumbled for his key, I decided to catch up with him. I jumped out of the car and ran to grab the outer door before it closed and locked as Hugo went in.
Inside I found the single apartment that he shared with Jilder. One side of the room looked like something an 11-year-old would keep, disheveled and cluttered with piles of boy's stuff. In contrast, Hugo's side was neat, the bed was made, and at one end of the room was a kitchen area with a table and chairs. The bathroom was through a door off to one side.
On two adjacent sides of the room were a number of windows, such that in the daytime it would have been bright and airy.
Hugo went to the only closet just outside of the bathroom and pulled some more jeans from a metal coat hanger. He went into a chest of drawers and pulled out a tee shirt, underwear, and socks. Then he opened a lower drawer and picked up another long-sleeved shirt. It was dark green with some kind of white graphics on it.
He threw all of these things onto the bed. Then went to the kitchen area and got a large brown bag, the kind of shopping bag one brought from the supermarket. Everything went into the bag.
Then without trying to explain to me what he was doing, he went to the refrigerator and pulled out a bundle of green veggies, some almond milk, some boxes of soup, and some eggs. They went into another bag.
With the bags on his bed, he walked out of the apartment leaving the door open... I hurried after him but stopped when I realized he was only checking his mail in the hallway. In seconds he was walking back into his apartment looking at the envelopes he held as he walked.
Hugo paused when he saw a long gray one that was rather thin. He looked up at me; then he passed that envelope to me.
The return address said Stem-Cell Research, National Irish Medical Research Corporation, Kilgarney, Ireland.
I didn't open it. I wouldn't. It was addressed to Hugo.
I looked back at Hugo with the obvious question in my eyes, "What do you want me to do with this?" Which I mouthed silently...
He wasn't looking at me; so he didn't get my question.
I walked over to a table and with a pen from my pocket I wrote on the back of the envelope, "Want me to read this?"
"Yes," he said with sounds.
I opened the letter
"Humm..."
"Dear Mr. Ramirez:
We wish to inquire whether you have given our last communication your consideration.
We still believe that the procedures we have proposed for your medical condition carry a better than 98% chance of correcting your hearing loss.
Our last communication contained a rather complete description of the intervention and the time frames involved. If you have any questions about any of it, please feel free to call on us. We are most eager to proceed, as the sooner we can begin, the greater our chances of complete success.
We entreat you to give this matter your most serious attention and convey your decision to us at your earliest convenience.
Yours, with great optimism for your good health,
Ian Shannon Shawnesy Director of Stem-Cell Research National Research Corportation
Hugo looked me in the eyes, waiting for my reaction.
"It's very good," I mouthed.
At that, Hugo took the letter and read it. Then he folded it, inserted it back in the envelope, and looked over at me.
I just kept repeating, "It's good, Hugo. It's very good," I went over to him and held him in my arms, and hoped that he would be interested in their offer to help him.
Hugo put the letter with the other mail, and went to the bed to get the bags. With both of them in his arms, he nodded toward the door and followed me out into the hall.
Back in the car I reached over to him again, grabbed him by the shoulders, and with a major contortion I kissed both of his ears... I hoped he didn't miss the message of caring I intended.
I had expected Hugo to sleep soundly, given how exhausted he was earlier, but he lay awake in the bed next to me at home, tossing and turning for maybe an hour. Finally he got up and went into the kitchen.
As soon as I realized he wasn't next to me, I got up and followed the lights to the kitchen. The clock read a little after midnight.
Hugo sat on the upholstered bench of the breakfast nook in the kitchen. He had fixed himself some tea and sat there staring into the mug.
I picked up a yellow legal pad and put it on the table as I sat down.
"What's wrong?" I wrote.
"Nothing." He responded.
"Sure!" I wrote and added about 5 wavy lines all circling around the word "sure"...
He looked at me and smiled. "I can never hide from you," he wrote.
"Do you need to?" I wrote back.
"... but I feel naked in front of you-- afraid and ashamed.." he wrote.
"But you have done nothing to be ashamed of. You have done only very good things. You are taking care of your little brother. You are being very nice to me. You are working hard... What more can a man do, Hugo? I don't understand...And what are you afraid of, Hugo?" I wrote my words and put the pen down.
Hugo picked it up and wrote back,
"You are helping me get the operation for Jilder. You are being nice to Jilder. You are opening your life and giving it all to me and Jilder. I don't know how to act?" (He skipped down to the bottom of the page and continued writing...)
"NOW" Hugo went on... "NOW, you understand the decision that I must make for the Research doctors: That scares me A LOT."
I read his messages then turned the page and wrote: "You don't make a decision FOR THE RESEARCH DOCTORS...OR FOR ME... OR FOR ANYONE ELSE, HUGO..... You make a decision FOR YOU! Are you ready to hear, Hugo? (Underlined...) Do you want to try their treatment?"
Hugo didn't move for quite a while. He looked out across the kitchen and into the family room where the lights from the yard shown through the large plate glass window and made a dark silhouette of the baby grand piano. Then he looked back at me and at the yellow pad in front of us. Still he didn't move.
I just sat quietly with him, reaching across the table putting my hands on top of his. He looked into my eyes and then shed one of the hands I had placed on his, and with his free hand, picked up the pen...
"YES" he wrote, and he looked back into my eyes questioning what I would do next.
I wrote, "Then I will be with you every moment and through every part of it, if you want me to be there..."
He smiled and grasped both of my hands and squeezed them as a gesture of gratitude.
I wrote again, "You keep forgetting: I LOVE HUGO!"
He smiled a broader more relaxed smile, took the pen from my hand, and wrote, "I LOVE KEVIN."
He stood up and pulled me from my seat and put one arm around me as he started to walk back in the direction of the bedroom. I clicked off the light switches as we walked by, and we groped our way to the bed in the dark, lit only by the yard lights that shown through the windows in the bedroom.
We lay together on the bed now pulling the covers up over us. Hugo's big body curled around mine and covering me with peace and security.
And this man was looking to ME for reassurances... if THAT isn't irony... doesn't he realize that it is largely HE who gives me the joy and motivation for life and security that I gladly return to him in his travails?
Maybe that IS the way love works...
Neither of us stirred until well after ten on Saturday morning. Hugo was the first to move around in the bed. When I came to, I realized that Hugo was groping around trying to get into my underwear. Well, in the future, I suppose I could go back to the hospital gown for his convenience.
My penis was hard and very sensitive. Hugo was massaging all around my sexual parts. He fondled my testicles and rubbed between my legs and scrotal sack and on around to the back of my body between my ass cheeks, around and around and around my anal opening. Then he moved his head down to my penis and took it in and created a very strong suction on its helmet as he moved up and down the shaft with his mouth. He slurped and gasped and licked and, forcing my legs apart, he moved his tongue into my anal area. The man seemed to wish to devour my entire crotch and erotic areas right then and there.
I was captive of both Hugo's size and my own intense arousal. But feeling a craving for Hugo's ample, hairy penis and balls, and his entire hairy body, I dove down under the covers, twisting my body to take Hugo into my mouth as well. Here we were two highly energized sexual creatures frantically licking and sucking the other in a desperate attempt to assuage our own bodily cravings.
How wonderful it felt to be seeking, with the man whose being meant life itself to me, the beauty of sexual bliss together. The fluids were dripping from our sex organs and our anal openings grew damp and primary in our consciousness. Who would be the receptive vessel for these fluids, and who the deliverer of them? I always loved Hugo's manliness and felt a pressing urge to acquire his sperm for myself. I stood up on the mattress looking down at Hugo. Then I sat down on his turgid penis, allowing it to penetrate deep into my rectum while taking his tongue into my mouth as well.
Here, a Shakespearean beast-with-two-backs: we two thrust and undulated in great waves of sexual energy.
"Fuck me. Fuck me." I spoke out loud. Hugo grunted and kissed me all around my face in frantic attacks. We pounded one another with huge force, and each felt a rising intensity of prostate forces that would only in moments blast us into a sexual oblivion.
And it happened. Hugo looked into my eyes and with the most extraordinary urgency in those eyes ejaculated into my guts with six great thrusts. I was overwhelmed in my sexual haze so that the pulses of sperm that left my shaft were only known to me by the spray of fluid I felt all over my whole upper body. And Hugo was by no means spared the drenching from my sperm.
Together we both fell to the sheets having been overcome with the most incredible relaxation and peace; perhaps the vestibule of heaven itself had been reached through our great sexual explosion of love.
I felt the most profound sense of gratitude for the beauty of life itself and the gift of this man in my life.
No matter that it had been late when we woke up, both of us faded back into a slumber that wasn't disturbed until the rumblings of our stomachs announced that we had sailed past not only breakfast but now lunch as well. No doubt we would have to meet the day on its own terms ... and very soon, without much more delay...
"Yawn!!!"
By the time we had showered, shaved, dressed, and driven ourselves over to the hospital, it was quite late and well after lunch.
As we came through the doors of the ward, Jilder saw us right away and began waving wildly with both arms.
Hugo and I walked side by side both of us intent on getting to the boy without delay.
"WHERE WERE YOU????" Jilder exclaimed with major worry and questioning in his eyes.
Since I could speak the most quickly I said, "Jilder we were just sleeping and taking care of things outside... You know..."
"I KNOW, BUT I MISSED YOU!" he declared with an unspoken sense of "but didn't you realize that I'd be insane with wanting to see you????"
I thought, "I think we'd better savor this desire for our company, because in just a few short years this kid is not going to want the time of day from us! Such is the role of a parent-- and even the role of a pair of proxy-parents like us."
"Oh, I'm really sorry, Jilder," I said with great sympathy in my voice hoping to sooth this frantic child.
By this time, Hugo had sat himself down on Jilder's bed and gotten into position to "talk" with him.
"How is the pain this morning?" Hugo asked.
"Okay... Some... but the pills helped..." Jilder said.
Hugo asked next, "Can you sit up and move around okay? Does the bar feel funny?"
Jilder replied, "I can move around and go to the bathroom... I can do whatever I need to do. The bar doesn't feel too bad. I know it's there, but it doesn't hurt."
"Did the doctor come in today?" Hugo asked
"No. He hasn't seen me today." Jilder said.
Hugo turned to me and reached for the pad that I was carrying. He wrote to me, "When do you think the doctor will come. I want to speak with him to see what he says about Jilder."
I wrote, "Why don't we just stay here until he comes?"
Hugo wrote, "Yeah. Do you mind hanging around if it takes all afternoon?"
"No, no. Of course not," I wrote.
I went on, "I can always go out for supper and bring us back something from Coco's that we can share with Jilder."
"You are always so helpful..." Hugo wrote.
"Shhhhh. You make me blush..." I wrote back.
He smiled, kissed me on the nose, and turned back to Jilder.
"Ewwwwww! kissy kissy, yuk!" Jilder said.
"Oh, so you're going to be the Turkey around this place..." I chided.
Hugo smiled and mouthed "Turkey..." and pointed at Jilder.
"NOT ME!" Jilder responded.
I love to get this kid going... He's so much fun to annoy.
The nurse walked up and greeted us, "Good afternoon, Gentlemen. Jilder has been just about ready to have a cow looking for you two. Glad you could make it."
"It's really nice to be wanted," I said, "even if Jilder is a little extreme occasionally..." and I smiled.
"OCCASIONALLY!!!!" the nurse said rolling her eyes at all of us.
"Well, exuberant, then," I added.
"Exactly!" she said.
"When do you think the doctor will make his visit today?" I asked her.
"He telephoned that he was taking in his son's T-ball game but would definitely be in the ward before 6pm, and he's usually quite reliable," she replied.
I grabbed the pad and explained before six to Hugo.
He smiled and nodded his understanding to us.
It was nearly three; but that left quite a bit of time before he got here. I sat down in a comfortable chair at the end of the ward near Jilder's bed. Those chairs are always so low that one can never see the patient in his bed. It's annoying, but I was ready to sit down. Hugo continued to sit on the bed right next to Jilder.
Jilder was holding on to Hugo as if to prevent him from going anywhere. It's endearing to see Jilder and Hugo together... they are the way it's supposed to be among family.
"So, djou get tired of the PSP?" I asked.
"NO!" he exclaimed. "It's awesome.... I'm getting better, but I have only gotten to level III in ONE GAME!"
"And how many levels are there?" I asked.
"Twelve!" Jilder answered. "I can go on line and play with other people if we can get the wifi working..." he proposed.
He had the advertising strategy down pat. Get your foot in the door with a basic purchase, then you can sell them the world in attachments and enhancements. Oh, God, what kind of monster have I created?
"But that's okay," he said, "I don't need that now. Maybe later..." he stated like he knew he ought to engage in a strategic retreat to avoid sabotaging his chances for advancement in the near future. I love these kids today... Are they clever or what?
"Well, you'll have to explain to Hugo, because I have no idea what you're talking about. Hugo knows about this stuff, and he tells me what you are talking about," I said.
"Sure," Jilder said, "I'll explain to him right away, just in case you guys happen to go shopping again soon..." He is adorable, even if he is a 'scoundrel'! I love him AND his clever self-promotion.
Hugo stood up as Dr. Gilmer walked up to Jilder's bed. He stuck out his hand to Hugo and shook it while he smiled and said, "Good afternoon, guys! Glad to see you're both here."
I rose too and nodded to Dr. Gilmer offering, "We have been very eager to speak with you since Jilder came out from under the anesthesia. I'm not sure you may want to speak with us and Jilder at the same time. But whatever you prefer, Doctor," I said.
"Oh, I think Jilder needs to know what we're seeing as he begins his convalescence. Let's share our thinking with Jilder. And maybe he'll share his ideas with us too," the doctor said, gently acknowledging the importance of his patient and the centrality of his attitude in the recovery.
The doctor went on, "It appears that Jilder has had an excellent response to the first surgical intervention. He is aware that in 2 or 3 years, after he has grown more, we will need to remove the metal retainer bar, at which point the treatment will be complete."
We were all ears and sat silently as he looked around at us to be sure that what he had just said had sunk in.
"Now, at this point, it will be perfectly normal for Jilder to tire quickly, and even months after this procedure. His body is being forced to change the thrust of its growth forces to open up the rib cavity to make room for full size adult organs: lungs and heart mainly. The other organs will be acquiring their full adult size and functioning as well. What I'm trying to say is that as good as he seems to feel right now, do not become alarmed when he drops from exhaustion and doesn't want to go anywhere or do anything except just be in his bed just any time. If it makes you gentlemen feel better, and the doctor nodded to Hugo and to me, please feel free to call or bring Jilder in for me to take a look at what's happening at any time. But, really, I am quite optimistic that his progress will continue to be right along the norm... You recall, I operate on many, many, many of these cases, and there isn't much that I haven't seen. In Jilder's case, I think we have only the best prognosis," the doctor said.
"Prog-no-sis? What's that," Jilder interjected.
"The doctor means that he predicts you'll be very successful healing in the future," I clarified for Jilder.
"Oh..." Jilder added.
Hugo had been following by reading lips, and when Jilder had finished, he spoke with sounds, "What about pain pills?" Hugo was always worried lest Jilder become addicted. I think that must have come from his witnessing friends, or who knows who, succumbing to drug addiction, which is the scourge of young boys in the vicinity of Jilder's age. I couldn't concur more strongly with Hugo's concerns.
"Well, he'll need to use them to sleep for perhaps the first week. We'll start weaning him off of them starting next Friday. Then, at home, he'll need to use them ONLY IN EXTREME situations, like if he falls and injures the incision or his rib cage. He'll need to be exceptionally careful to avoid that kind of thing," the doctor said looking Jilder in the eye.
Jilder understood the doctor's message and shook his head in the affirmative.
"That'll be okay. I'll be really careful. I don't want to get more sick..." Jilder replied intelligently, if not put with a great deal of sophistication.
"Good." the doctor said still holding Jilder in his eye contact.
"Now. Do you gentlemen have any plans for Jilder's care for the first month after he goes home? He'll need to be at home and have access to his bed at all times. He can go out walking or on car trips, as long as he is careful not to over do it or injure himself. No soccer or shuffling around in crowds on the city busses." the doctor said.
I looked at Hugo and said, "No we haven't discussed it, but I'm sure we will have a suitable support system in place for him before he is released."
I continued speaking, "Until next January, I will be free to provide 7-day 24 hour care myself. (It is a bazaar coincidence, but I'm having to take it easy right now myself, requiring that I not return to my work until January; so we can convalesce with one another...)" I said smiling.
"Well, that would be satisfactory," I just wanted you to have a 'heads up' about what to expect next," Doctor Gilmer said.
The doctor turned a bit and nodded in Hugo's direction but asked me, "Will you discuss Jilder's release with Hugo; so that we can be sure Jilder will have suitable care after we let him out? From time to time you may decide to have another family member stay with him, or even a part time nurse. Whatever you decide, we'll want to be sure that the caretaker knows what to expect."
Hugo said using sounds, "Okay Doctor." And he reached out to shake his hand.
Hugo went on speaking as clearly as he could, "Thank You, Doctor. We all thank you." and there was no doubt about the sincerity of Hugo's simple remark.
The doctor patted Jilder on the head and said, "Okay, Jilder, I'm leaving you in charge here. You gotta tell everybody how you're doing and if you feel any pain. They can help you, but you must help them too."
"I will, doctor," Jilder said in a little voice. He seemed to be wilting visibly as the afternoon wore on and supper time approached.
Dr. Gilmer smiled and left us to our little family meeting.
Hugo walked around the bed until he was right next to me. He put his arm around me and reached for the pad. He wrote, "I really didn't understand what the doctor was saying about Jilder. Can you explain it to me?"
After reading his remark, I took the pen and wrote out every detail of what Dr. Gilmer said. And I went on,
"... So it seems you and I will have to decide on how we want to care for Jilder when they release him next weekend. We've got a week to come up with a plan for seeing that Jilder gets the attention he'll need. He will be experiencing up days and down days, and somebody needs to keep an eye on him closely for the first month."
I wrote further, "Now I am afraid to say what comes to my mind, but, Hugo, REALLY, I'd be privileged if you would bring Jilder to the townhouse and let him live there where I can watch him 24 hours everyday. You know I have to stay home from work... and I would just love to have Jilder for company, even though there would be the responsibility of caring for him: medicine, meals, and general supervision of a kid.
"Think about it, Hugo," I went on, "You know I have three bedrooms upstairs, and we can fix one of them up for Jilder-- that would be fun-- it would not be any inconvenience at all. There's plenty of room inside, and he would even have the small yards on the side and back. Maybe we could get him a pet?"
I knew I was presenting a radical reconfiguration of our lives for Hugo to consider. How were we going to take care of Jilder and of me right away? But I thought I had to keep going... So I said:
"Oh, and Hugo, I would like for you to move in too. I realize that could be pushing things with us, but the practical benefit of us all living together to care for Jilder and me while we're healing just can't be ignored... Besides, we're boyfriends (According to Jilder, I added with a smiley face...) What do you think, Hugo?"
Hugo was reading as fast as I was writing, looking serious and concentrating entirely on what I wrote.
But I kept on writing: "I know I'm running on... AT LEAST please consider letting me take care of Jilder at the townhouse while he's healing?? (Pretty please, Hugo... :-)"
Hugo read all that I had written and then, after a long pause staring across the ward, he started to answer me...
"And what happens to me and Jilder when you get tired of us and throw us out?" Hugo wrote.
I was stunned. I just looked at him speechless.
"It's YOUR townhouse, Kevin. I don't have any right to be there at all... I don't pay the rent... I COULDN'T PAY the rent... You earn a lot more than me, and I can't match you... Kevin, I'm afraid..."
He went on, "I know you mean good, Kevin, but if something happens and you get angry with us... I don't want Jilder to be hurt..."
And Hugo looked into my eyes with no hint of compromise in his.
I was crushed.
"Well, you know, Hugo that I cannot and will not do anything that you do not want me to do... I can make the offer, but you must consider the possibility that you and I have a life together, even though clearly you haven't really considered that possibility yet."
I was writing a flurry of words on the pad. Jilder must have wondered what we were talking about "I know this has been fast, but the circumstances of Jilder's health did not give us a whole lot of time." I wrote.
"I love you, Hugo. I love Jilder too. I want BOTH of you in my life forever, or for as long as you will be with me... I want to SHARE my life and what I have with you and Jilder. I can ask, but I can't make either of you do anything that you don't want to do... Please don't close your mind on this today. Please think about it... "
And I stopped writing. I was shutting down crushed right there in front of him and Jilder. I felt awful....
To save face I forced myself to take on a cheerful countenance and asked, "Anybody ready for supper?"
(I wrote that question on the pad to Hugo too.)
Jilder spoke up, not with the most energetic of voices but still clearly wanting to put in his order. "Yeah. Could we have some more of that fish?" Jilder asked.
"If that's what you want," I replied to him.
Then I turned the sheet of paper over on the pad and wrote to Hugo: "Jilder wants salmon for supper. You in the mood for something yet?"
Hugo looked at me with sadness in his eyes and wrote, "Yes. I'm hungry too. The salmon sounds good. Do you want me to go with you?"
I wrote, "If you will; if you want to..."
Hugo answered me by writing, "Yes. I want to go."
So we both stood, and I explained to Jilder that we were both going to get our take-out supper.
"We'll be back in about half hour, maybe sooner," I told Jilder.
And with that, Hugo and I walked between the long row of beds filled with sick children, but none of them could have been feeling any sicker than I was at that moment. Jilder's exuberance from earlier in the day was subdued too, but in his case, not by pain or distress, simply by fatigue that he would be able to alleviate in sleep.
"See you in a few minutes," I smiled and said to Jilder.
"Bye..." he replied.
And Hugo waved to Jilder as we left.