TIME-TO-SEE-12
God it felt good to be back in my own house!
I couldn't believe that it was five a.m.!
Hugo had rolled out of bed and gone into the bathroom long before I was even conscious.
I heard the shower running, and stumbled into the kitchen where I set out 3 raw eggs, some orange juice, and steamed some month-old cabbage that really didn't look too bad. All I had was some miso spread that I thought he might eat on the cabbage.
I would have made hot oatmeal too, but I didn't think we had time.
"Damn what a weird breakfast-- nobody but Hugo would find it appealing. Maybe he can write down some other things I can get at the market for breakfast... I think I'd get tired of the raw egg routine all the time... but, then, I ain't Hugo...," I thought.
I also boiled some water for green tea or coffee or whatever Hugo wanted.
In short order Hugo came into the kitchen freshly shaved, with a mop of damp, wavy hair on his head, and looking terrific again in his tight shirt and jeans.
He kissed me on the cheek and rubbed his hands together indicating he was entirely ready for the food. And, just as I'd predicted, he wasn't disturbed at all by my breakfast offering... Go figure.
While he ate, I shaved quickly and pulled on some fresh clothes. And, yep, it sure did feel good to be back home...
Hugo consumed everything in ten minutes and pointed to the clock, meaning he had to get going to work. Also, being late was not on his list of possible options. Before I could get on the rest of my clothes and grab my wallet, he was opening the door from the kitchen into the garage.
"Okay, okay, I'm coming, I'm coming" I said knowing full well that he didn't hear a thing I said. But I'd come to realize that speaking is a function of one's being. It's one of the ways we manifest ourselves, not something that is only generated when we wish to communicate with a particular person. Finally I ran out into the garage. Hugo was already buckled up in the passenger seat when I got in the car.
I pressed the garage door opener and started the engine.
My townhouse is situated about a half hour from Hugo's hospital, and probably 45 minutes from Jilder's. The two hospitals were only about 15 minutes apart.
My plan was still as I'd outlined last night: go to work with Hugo, to the hospital to stay with Jilder, and then the lunch loop-- if this all suited Hugo.
I wrote down, "After I drop you off, I'm going to hospital to be with Jilder. I'll be back at 11am for you at lunch. You still want to try the lunch visit?"
"Yes" Hugo grunted, and he wanted to leave--now!
So we were off.
It was a little after seven when I walked into the ward and headed toward Jilder's bed. The hospital didn't require parents to observe any particular visiting schedule when their youngster was having surgery or other critical procedures. The nurse treated me like family and said,
"Jilder is awake and asking for you already..." as I passed her on my way across the ward.
"Oh, good... Thanks." I replied.
There he was in his bed on the end. He saw me half way across the room and started waving. I waved back thinking how small and fragile he looked. But Jilder had a beautiful face with the most lovely brown eyes and long eyelashes.
"Kevin, Kevin," he was calling before I was even close to his bed. "You're here! I missed you when I woke up-- you and Hugo. Where is Hugo? At work? Yeah? Is he going to visit me at lunch today?"
Oh, my God, that kid couldn't stop the flow of questions. He had so much to say, and he clearly wanted somebody to talk to. What a joy to have a child in your life. I'd never thought about it before--- even a nearly- ready-to-leave-childhood child.
"Jilder, you have so much energy this morning..." I said. "Take it easy. You don't want to wear out before 9 o'clock. You just had surgery yesterday..."
He didn't have any use for my observations, "Kevin, is Hugo going to come here at lunch today, like he said?" he repeated to me. The trial lawyer again.
"Of course, Jilder." I said "Hugo has to work, but he will come over here to have lunch with us at lunchtime."
"Oh, good, I thought so," Jilder comforted himself by repeating what he wanted to hear.
I spoke again, "I'm glad to see you feeling so good today, Jilder."
"Yeah. Well, I feel okay, but not when they don't give me pain pills, because my sides hurt, right under my arms. Look...up here, and here, see..." and Jilder pointed to where his body had been opened and the bar inserted.
I stood and peered over the bed at the spots he indicated with his hands. A huge bundle of bandages were wrapped around his chest, making him look like the tin man from Wizard of Oz.
"Well, you'll need to take something for pain for a while, but after that, you'll feel so much better you'll be able to do without it. The doctor won't want you to use pills forever, just until you can do without them...Hum... Remember, you will be healing a little bit each day, not all at once." I tried to prepare him for the necessity to give up the pain medication eventually.
"Yeah," he conceded, not willing to commit to anything really until he knew more.
"Have you eaten breakfast, yet?" I asked.
"No, and I'm hungry," he declared unequivocally.
"That's a healthy sign too," I told him. "Your body needs food to heal itself; so you can start to grow again, now that your breathing is working good."
"Yeah. The doctor said that too." But not to be distracted from attention to his hungry-vibes, "I wonder when the nurse is going to come over so I can eat?" Jilder asked.
"Do you have anything to read or something to do?" I questioned.
"Yeah. A few magazines, but I read em already." Jilder said.
"Well, I'll have to get you some more. And do you have one of those game thingy-dingys?" I asked him.
Jilder screwed up his face like he smelled a bad odor and tilted his head and asked, "Game thingy-dingys?... what are you talking about?"
The trial attorney is back on the job...
"Well, I don't know what you call them. You know, those hand-held video gaming devices," I lamely tried to clarify myself.
"OOOhh!" he said. "You mean, PSP-3000 OR Nintendo or something like that."
"Uh? Yeah. I guess so. You probably know better than me." I tried to admit my ignorance with humility.
"Yeah! That's what they're called. But, No, I don't have none. Hugo and I don't have the money to buy stuff like that." he stated with dignity.
"Well, then thank you for telling me. If you think you'd be able to pass the time better while you're recovering if you had one, I'll go shopping for one right away. I'm not rich, Jilder, but I do know I can get a game box for a guy like you, who's just had an important operation. We want you to be happy and heal well." I explained myself.
"Really?" Jilder asked.
"Well, if they don't cost a million dollars, yeah!" I responded.
"No. They're only like $180, but that's still too much for Hugo and me," he informed me.
"Oh, well. I think I can handle that," I told him.
"Who are you anyhow?" Jilder asked with some suspicion in his voice.
"Well, that's a very good question, and you put it directly. I like a man who's up-front. I like that," I said.
"Yeah." he added the emphasis with confidence
"You see, one day about a month ago, I got real sick when I was out getting into my car in a parking lot, and they had to take me to the hospital where Hugo works because they couldn't get me to breath or get my heart to work. The doctors were worried that I wouldn't live, but I did... And the funny part about it is, if it hadn't been for your brother, Hugo, I probably wouldn't have lived, because it was his taking very good care of me that made me decide to live." I explained.
"You could DECIDE to live?" Jilder asked, now thoroughly confused.
"Yep!" I answered. "But Hugo was just so nice to me that I WANTED to live more than ever before, and I got better..."
"Hummm." Jilder had to think about all that.
"Hugo's nice to me too, and he's stayed with me a lot the whole time I've been sick. I understand what having Hugo around means. Yeah..." Jilder nodded his head up and down, clearly reaching a basic understanding with me.
I was a little disconcerted at this sudden flash of wisdom from someone so much my junior, but it also made it easier to continue explaining "who I was/am." (Ahem...at least I THOUGHT it would.)
I continued. "Then Hugo and I discovered that we liked to spend time with each other, like really good friends."
"Uh? Do you mean like boyfriends?" he asked pointedly.
Oh my God, I thought. What the fuck am I going to say NOW???
"Hum? Uh?" I was speechless.
Jilder rescued me with his further unexpected maturity, "I know Hugo is gay. He told me so. He likes boyfriends instead of girlfriends. I'm not sure what that means, but I think I like girlfriends best. Hugo says I have to be respectful of other people and see what I want when I get older. That's okay with me," Jilder laid out.
"Uh... Yeah! I think you could say that I fall into the boyfriend category... although Hugo hasn't said I am; so I wouldn't hold him to it. Uh. You know a person really doesn't know about things like that until the other person tells them. And Hugo hasn't said anything to me before." I was squirming like hell... This kid had a bright future in the law, no doubt about it.
"Anyhow," Jilder went on, "It would be super if you could get me a PSP-3000, maybe just to use while I'm in the hospital would be okay."
"Absolutely. Sure." I was happy to return to the game boxes. It was much safer territory for me than the wild ride of personal revelation Jilder had taken me on.
I went on, "Maybe I can go shopping tonight while Hugo is visiting with you. That way, if you have to stay in the hospital a long time, you'll have something else to do... Also, I'll get those magazines. Why don't you write a list of the kinds of magazines you like? That would be a big help."
"Where do you work?" Jilder asked.
"You ever heard of San Diego University?" I asked.
"Yeah! I think so..." Jilder said politely, not knowing the place, I presumed.
"Well, it's a place where people go to school after they graduate from high school; so they will have education to help them get a good job. You might want to go there someday," I explained. "I teach mathematics and computer science there." I said.
"You're a MATH TEACHER?" Jilder exclaimed wildly.
"Yeah, I am..." I said in as small a voice as I could manage.
"I LIKE math!" he announced with pride.
"I do good in it when I'm in school. But I haven't been able to go to school because I couldn't breath good enough. I got too tired." he told me with great honesty in his voice.
"Well, you and I have more in common than I thought, Jilder. We both like Hugo; we both have been very sick in the hospital; we are both getting well; and we both like to do math. THAT'S super!" I confirmed back to him.
"Yeah!" he agreed.
The nurse rolled a cart up to the foot of Jilder's bed and said, "Ok, Jilder. What would you like for breakfast. We've got scrambled eggs. Oatmeal. Fruitloops. Toast and peaches with milk. And orange juice..."
"I'll have some of all of it," Jilder announced.
The nurse's eyes widened as she said, "Some of ALL of it?"
"Yep!" Jilder confirmed with a vertical snap of his head indicating positively yes.
"Well, Okay." the nurse said. And she began dishing up his request onto a large white plate from the various serving containers. Breakfast here was like a buffet on wheels, and Jilder was going to sample it all...
When he was settled back on his bed that the nurse had elevated electrically, he placed the plate chocked with food on the special table right in front of his mouth and he began shoveling it in! And that is the only appropriate way to describe his having breakfast.
He ate his food with great relish making it a pleasure for me to watch him. His conversation which had been quite adequate up to now was temporarily suspended while he ate. Unapologetic, he didn't say anything for a full 10 minutes. He was clearly feeling well as he loaded up on his food.
I thought that I had loved Hugo instantly. But in just two hours, I had fallen in love with Jilder too... Now I wanted to have him as my son, but just as with the boyfriend status with Hugo, I had no status as "in loco parentis" with Jilder either. I was just a raw nerve with more love than I knew what to do with. I hoped that both of them would come along soon and unburden me of it, and that I'd be delivered from being in this in-between place (A really awkward experience for me)... And before too long too, I hoped.
"What is the truth of THIS situation? What in the fuck am I supposed to do now, God?" I prayed.
We chatted away the morning and before long it was time for me to leave Jilder to pick up Hugo for his lunchtime visit.
"Now I'm going to be gone about half-hour or so, Jilder." I explained.
"Hugo and I will be back to eat our lunch with you here." I said.
I stopped and picked up three take-out plates from Coco's restaurant: roasted salmon, rice pilaf, naturally fermented pickled veggies, and some slabs of corned bread (I'd never seen Hugo eat bread of any kind; this would be a kind of experimental offering.)
As an after thought, I got a piece of blueberry pie for Jilder... He'll probably scarf up as much for Lunch as he did for breakfast. I think our boy is on the mend for sure.
Hugo was ready when I looped into the parking lot. I didn't even park or cut the engine, he hopped in and off we sped, getting us back up on the ward with Jilder before 11:30. I was hauling ass, as they say...
Hugo could hardly endure the trip in that antiquated elevator. He banged on the door in dramatic demonstration of his exasperation when we finally stopped on the 7th floor.
Jilder saw us the moment we set foot in the ward. He was waving to us all the away across the room. Hugo was as happy as a Labrador retriever who has just been set free from his leash.
Hugo ran to Jilder's bed and grabbed him in a big bear hug. Jilder screamed, "Not too hard, Hugo... Not too hard... Aiighii!"
Hugo did realize the commotion coming from Jilder and stopped his bear hug in mid squeeze. Jilder fell back on the bed laughing and said, "What're you trying to do, Kill me???"
Hugo looked at me sheepishly a little embarrassed and totally clueless about what was going on....
I wrote on the pad, "You squeezed Jilder too hard... Be Careful :-) :-) (With two happy faces)"
Hugo laughed and turned back to hug Jilder another time; this one was very much milder, and Jilder was okay with it.
Hugo got down again in Jilder's face and mouthed his message, "You feeling okay?"
Jilder shook his head yes, yes, two or three times.
"Pain?" Hugo actually spoke with a frown on his face.
"Only a little," Jilder replied. With that he turned to a little empty paper cup, picked it up, and pretended to take pills from it and put them in his mouth.
"OOhhhh!" Hugo said shaking his head yes with comprehension.
I wrote on the pad, "Nurse gave Jilder pain pills before breakfast. Nothing since. Doctor is not abusing the prescription meds."
"Good," Hugo spoke clearly.
"Are you guys going to eat lunch?" Jilder asked.
"Yeah." I answered holding up the white bag from Coco's.
"Do I get some too?" Jilder asked.
"Sure. And I got some blueberry pie for you too. "
"Mmm, Mmm," Jilder said smacking his lips. Good grief that kid just ate a garbage can full three hours ago. Could he possibly be that hungry now? I wondered.
"Let's get started," I said. I opened the bag and gave Hugo his meal. It was one of those covered rectangular Styrofoam boxes. Jilder followed my movements like a dog waiting for scraps from the table. I almost laughed at how funny he looked, like he was famished...
Then I pulled out another meal, uncovered it, and handed it to Jilder. "Go ahead, Jilder. Oh, and don't forget you've got pie too," I said.
I didn't need to say or do anything beyond opening the box for Jilder. He was scarfing it down even before I was finished speaking to him.
Hugo was leading in this luncheon marathon. Neither of them suffered from lack of interest in food. In contrast, I knew that I would never be able to eat my lunch before I'd need to leave and take Hugo back to work. But the fish was excellent, and I enjoyed being with my new family.
"Hugo, Hugo!" Jilder screamed out of the blue. I was startled. Hearing nothing, Hugo just ate on as if no one had said anything.
Jilder reached over and grabbed him by the shoulder and shook him, looking directly in his eyes: "Hugo, Kevin is going to buy me a PSP-3000 video game!"
Hugo turned to me looking at me quite puzzled.
I felt really bad because I hadn't spoken to Hugo yet about whether it would be okay with him for me to buy Jilder one of those electronic games.
I reached for the pad and scribbled a hasty request... "IF YOU DON'T MIND! I'd like to get Jilder a video game to help him pass the time while he's in the hospital-- IF YOU DON'T MIND," I emphasized by writing it a second time.
Hugo looked down at his lunch. He didn't make any attempt to take the pad to tell me anything. Suddenly I felt terrible. I knew Hugo couldn't buy Jilder a Play Station Portable, and I realized that he'd probably feel bad seeming to be inadequate once again. I just felt awful that I'd fucked up so completely. AGAIN!
"Hugo and I can go shopping together for one, Jilder." I said, trying to repair the damage by including Hugo.
"Oh, good," Jilder said unconcerned and his attention shifted back to his lunch.
I could see the wheels grinding over in Hugo's head.
I picked up the pad again and said, "Hugo, I know you would want to buy Jilder a PSP; so I want to give YOU a gift for all the special things you did for me in the hospital, which the hospital would never have done for me. And, you and I can go shopping for the PSP-3000 together. That is, if you think it would be a good gift for Jilder."
Hugo looked at me with a knowing smile. He picked up the pad and wrote, "You are a good friend to Jilder now too. I know you want to give him a gift. It's true that I cannot afford to buy a PSP, but that doesn't mean I don't want his friend to give him one. Kevin, I love you and I love Jilder. I don't want to destroy the happiness you two can have together. But please let me go with you to shop. I'd like to feel that I'm part of it too."
I read Hugo's uncharacteristically long message. I looked up at him with such appreciation for his understanding my motives that I leaned over and kissed him on the nose.
"YOU ARE BOYFRIENDS. YOU ARE BOYFRIENDS." Jilder yelled out and pointed at us.
I felt so stupid. Hugo didn't understand anything that was going on.
I wrote again, "Hugo: your brother has the idea that you and I are boyfriends! (How the hell does he know about boyfriends?) And I think that peck on the nose just confirmed his suspicions."
Hugo was cool about it. He reached over and put his arm around my shoulders in a manly kind of way and mouthed "boyfriends" and nodded his head in the affirmative.
So I turned to Jilder and said out loud, "I guess that tells us both. We're boyfriends..." and I smiled a silly smile.
When that whole thread faded away, I began to think about our needing to get Hugo back at work; so I caught Hugo's eye and pointed at the clock at the end of the ward. He understood immediately and turned back to face Jilder where they sat together on the bed. The two of them had been sitting there holding on to one another like you see monkeys do in the zoo. I suddenly had a new found respect for those other sentient creatures who shared the planet with us.
Jilder said out loud, "Yeah! I know. You gotta go. Okay."
"But you're going to come back after you get off, like around supper time, right?" he asked. Jilder just had to reassure himself that he would have a seamless connection with the love Hugo always brought along.
And Hugo shook his head up and down and reached over and gave Jilder a peck on the nose too.
"My turn," Jilder said smiling happily and looking a little self-conscious.
"Lucky you," I added.
In short order Hugo and I were off, and Jilder was settling back for a nap. Visitors all day and the big meals were having a relaxing effect on our little injured bird, whom we all looked forward to seeing healed, and in the least possible time.
There I was waiting for Hugo when he came out of the hospital right at five o'clock. I was smiling and happy to be with him again. He leaned over to me and kissed me on the nose, and I looked directly into his eyes and mouthed, "Best Buys?"
He knew exactly what I meant; so he nodded positively and settled back for our trip.
We walked around this enormous store that contained multiple aisles of every conceivable electronic device: computers, and cell phones, and television sets, and cameras, and DVDs and on and on.... I HATE THOSE KINDS OF PLACES!
Thank God Hugo wanted to go along, because I was completely lost and not all that interested in being found... Oh, sure, I had no misgivings about wanting to get that PSP thing for Jilder, I just had no clue about what I was looking for, what it looked like, or where I might find one.
Hugo took me by the hand and dragged me directly to the display and picked up one, tapping it gently while pointing to it.
"Okay? So THIS is what I want. (I'd never have known in a million years...)" I wrote on the pad that I'd carried with us,
"You SURE this is what Jilder will want...", I questioned him again
"Oh, yeah!" Hugo wrote below my message.
"How can you be sure?" I pressed him further in writing.
"Because this is what all the boys have. We must buy some game cartridges too...." Hugo wrote.
"Okay. Is THAT everything we'll need?"
"Well, we might get a carrying case; so he can keep everything together. He'd love to have a case to put all of his stuff in... I know Jilder." Hugo wrote.
Well, that was enough for me. Hugo was the final authority. I got the attention of one of the young sales associates and piled up in his arms the several things Hugo picked up: the game itself, the recharging device and cord, three game packs at thirty bucks a pop, and a nice carrying case for all of it.
And it really wasn't THAT expensive... All of it together came to less than $300. I just used my debit card, and we were out of there and back at the hospital by seven.
Oh, my, God! You would have thought we had brought in a load of gold from Fort Knox, Jilder was ecstatic, absolutely scintillating with happiness.
"Oh, Hugo, look at this game... It's the newest one too... Ohhhhh, cooool." as he dug down into the big plastic bag containing his loot.
Each and every item required a special inspection and appropriate prideful admiration. Even the power cord and each battery got its due, and the carrying case was the absolute dénouement.
"Does the hospital have a wifi," Jilder asked not waiting for a reply from anyone...
Privately I thought that just the unbridled joy and happiness Jilder experienced was worth every penny of the purchase price. Could there be a better way to spend one's earnings than giving joy in life to someone else-- in this case, this boy who was so thoroughly appreciative of every single piece?
"Oh, Kevin. Thanks for the PSP." and he held out his arms to deliver a hug that was accompanied by a kiss on the cheek!
In about a half-hour, Jilder was thoroughly engrossed in his new gaming device and our presence next to his bed seemed to be irrelevant-- that is, until maybe two hours later when Hugo looked at me and made signals like we should leave. Jilder picked up on that silent communication like radar did a speeder, "OOOOohhhhhh! You don't have to go yet, do you?" Jilder pleaded.
I was clueless. I hadn't picked up Hugo's signal suggesting we leave and wasn't motivated to do anything except remain here with Jilder and Hugo-- until next January, if necessary, when I'd have to go back to work.
"Well, Jilder, I'll have to have a little talk with Hugo," I said.
And then I picked up the pad and wrote.
"You tired? Think it's time to go?" I wrote to Hugo.
"Yes. I am tired, and I haven't been home in 2 days."
"Yeah. I know, but would you consider checking things at your place, and maybe picking up some other stuff you'll need for the weekend, and then coming back to my place-- say until Monday?" I wrote.
I went on before he had a chance to answer me.
"Hugo I really like being with you all the time. I sleep better when you are next to me, and I can think of a few things that we could do with some extra uninterrupted time together... :-) :-) (Two smiley faces)"
Hugo read everything I'd written and wrote, "Kevin, I hate to push myself on you. I feel like Jilder and I have taken over your life. You need some privacy too."
And I took the pen from him and continued on the next page, "Look, Hugo, since Jilder said we're boyfriends (I underlined boyfriends), it would seem okay if we spent a lot of time together, wouldn't it?"
I presented the pad to Hugo.
He looked up at me and smiled and wrote. "If you're SURE you don't need to be alone..."
"I'm sure." I wrote.
And he just looked back at me understanding. "Sure," he said.
By 9:30 p.m. I was getting tired too; so I gave a signal to leave. Hugo stood up and went to Jilder's bed. Jilder looked up from his game and said, "I'm already at Level Two. This is awesome...."
Hugo leaned down and gave Jilder a hug and a kiss on the forehead. He got right in Jilder's face, like he always did when he wanted to be understood; then he mouthed the words, "I want to go home. I'm tired."
Jilder looked up from his game and asked, "Are you and Kevin going home together?"
How does this kid know what's going on??? He's more than a trial attorney. He's part psychologist too.
Hugo nodded yes.
"I thought so," Jilder said.
I asked with genuine concern, "Is that going to be okay with you. I mean, Hugo was yours first. I don't want to take him from you, Jilder."
"Oh, that's ok," Jilder said. "I know he'll be back for me when he isn't tired any more, and you can come along if you want."
"Thank you for the invitation, Jilder. You are a very important guy because you are important to Hugo."
Hugo hugged Jilder one last time and stood up. Jilder held out his arms waiting for me to come to him to get a hug too.
"Okay," Jilder said. Then he picked up his gaming machine.
Hugo and I started walking away, with Jilder engrossed in his new game-- on Level Two...