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This story is 100% fictional. Any resemblances to actual people (living or dead), organizations or companies, events are entirely coincidental.
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Asterisk (*) will be used for past events, dreams or thoughts.
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Chapter 05
While Julia prepares dinner, Tim and I tell her about the matters concerning the inheritance. I tell her how the meeting went. She agrees with me: it's obvious that swapping properties is the best solution. She also proposes contract both Kevin and Heidi to work for them, but Tim refuses to leave the farm and I doubt Kevin wants to live and work in the farm with Tim and his family in there.
I notice as she speaks, she seems absent, thoughtful. I saw earlier when we arrived, Tim talked to her briefly, while I was playing with Emilie.
We have dinner, exchanging ideas about the best solution for the problem the inheritance has brought, despite Tim's stubbornness.
As soon as she puts their daughter to bed, Julia returns to the living room, get a few beers that she found on the fridge when she was looking for things to cook, (probably belonging to Kevin, Heidi or even Tim's uncle) and settles down in an comfy armchair close to the fireplace and next to her husband. "I want to know more about your dream, Nikolas." she says without hesitation.
Just as I thought, Tim already told her about it. "It's always the same" I start, and then I narrate the dream that repeats itself so often. Then I speak about the strong impression Kevin has on me.
Just like with Tim, I expect Julia to think I'm obviously losing my mind. But she gives me an understanding look. "You know, Nikolas, I believe in reincarnation. I'm sure we've lived other lives and will come back again and again." She says, surprising me with her revelation, "There are many things that happen in our lives that I can only explain through reincarnation. And I think your dreams are memories from your past life."
"Why you never told me about this?" I ask, thinking how little I know my friend's wife.
"I think you were always so busy moving up in life, living your professional success, that we never had the opportunity to talk about other things that don't evolve our daily life. We don't really know eachother's opinions or views of the world." She stands up, takes another beer from the fridge and continues, sitting back in the armchair, "It's not a criticism, Nikolas. It's your moment. You've put a lot into your work over the last few years, and it's only right that you reap the rewards. But perhaps the time has come to also think about other aspects of life, about what is beyond matter."
Tim gives me a light tap on the shoulder. "When I say that you're like a brother to me, I really mean it. I'm sure that we were related in other lives."
I almost fall off the couch. Does Tim also believe in reincarnation? Am I the only fish out of the water in here? I really don't want to believe in it, and I don't, but thinking from an outside perspective, it seems like it's only explanation to what's happening to me. "Tim, have you had some kind of revelation about us being brothers?"
Tim shakes his head, "Nah. It's just a feeling, Nik. A very strong one."
I look at him perplexed. Is Julia right? Are really the dreams I'm having just memories from the past? Maybe I met Kevin there. We had some type of relationship and probably that's why I feel such a strong connection with him.
"I wouldn't doubt that." smiles Julia. "You and Tim, if not siblings, were at least very close in a previous life, I believe that. There is a good feeling between you two. You may also have been enemies. Whatever karma you two lived, the feeling of love was restored. There is no need to find out what happened in a previous life, since everything is fine."
We talk for a long time about reincarnation between beers bottles. One of the things that Julia says keeps ringing in my head as we sit there, more intimate than ever in all tholese years, "Death doesn't end us."
"Nikolas, isn't it surprising that the man you see in your dreams lives here?"
I nod. "I was shocked when I saw him today. I was willing to stay here to look for him. Find out who he was. Until Kevin walked into Reiter's office." I sigh deeply. Everything I'm feeling is so confusing. But there's this sense of relief in my heart for being able to talk about the dreams that tormented me for so many nights, about the strength of the feeling I have for that man. And about the meeting with Kevin. "I need to find out why I feel so connected to him." I continue, "More importantly, I need to know why he's so scared of me."
Julia looks directly to me as she speaks, "The soul is like a geographical territory, Nikolas. A place we walk through throughout life. But the soul is as mysterious as the ocean! Isn't it funny that we know more about space than our oceans? Every day researchers are amazed by the surprising and mysterious beings that live in the depths of the waters. The soul is like that, too. The life we live here on earth, only helps us to make the journey of the soul. Every event in our everyday life, every action and reaction, every feeling takes us one step further into that unknown territory. Most people don't understand this. They choose easy paths, where they don't experience challenges. At the end of life, they know very little about the most important part of themselves. Others choose dangerous paths. They walk through their soul like someone walking on a mountain in the dark. They fall into their own precipices. They're seized by demons that live inside themselves. Because you know, Nikolas, we all have demons in here, hiding."
I listen to her intently. I'm surprised by the conversation. Julia continues, "I'm not a religious person, but I was baptized, and went to church every Sunday when I was young. Not by choice, like most children. As I grew older, I began to think that there had to be more to life than what we lived every day. There had to be a greater reason for our existence. I don't know if you know this Nikolas, but I used be aquaphobic."
I look at Tim. He never told me anything about his wife's life. Yes of course, we talked about Julia before, but never in details. Now that I think about it, I don't know much about her. She's caring and honest, but I don't know her likes and dislikes. I never asked. Then I become aware of how much I've been involved only in my work, in my search for social ascension, in the wheel of life that my daily life has become. Despite our long friendship, after Tim dropped out of school, we never sat down to have a deep conversation. Come to think of it, the only time we sat like this to talk about something serious, was when I came out to him. After that we really never talked about important or deep matters. It now makes me wonder if in all these years I've been a good friend to Tim.
"I was so scared of water," Julia says, putting her hand over her husband's. "Even the idea of entering a bathtub was disturbing to me."
I nod. What can I say? I'm still surprised by the direction of the conversation. Julia's voice drops. It becomes almost a whisper. "I was incapable of getting into a swimming pool. I cried and trembled in front of a lake. I also had serious respiratory problems. I would get breathless just by seeing pictures of water. I felt like I was going to die. There were no physical causes, or childhood trauma." I can hear the serenity in her voice. The one that captivated me ever since I talked to her for the first time. "I talked about it with Tim's mother who recommended me to see a friend of hers." She gets up, walks over to the table where she left her handbag, rummages through it for a few seconds and walks over to the couch I'm sitting in. She holds out a card.
I read the name, surprised. "Dr. Tosten Hoffmann. Psychiatrist."
Noticing my astonished expression, she chuckles, "I know. When I found out he's a psychiatrist, I got scared Tim's mom thought I was suffering from some kind of psychic disorder. But she explained to me that Dr. Hoffmann works with past life therapy and regression. She believed my unexplainable phobia could've come from the past. A different life I couldn't remember." She looks into my eyes and speaks, "Life is like a picture, don't you think, Nikolas? We see what is in the foreground. But with time, we start noticing the little details in the background, giving us new and different memories we thought we have forgotten. Dr. Hoffmann helped me seeing them and I'm sure he can help you as well."
I don't know what to say. In fact, since I arrived in Wolkenberg, I seem to have lost the ability of finding the right words at the right time. What can I say to Julia? No doubt there's a reason for her to tell me this!
"Dr. Hoffmann really helped me finding out the cause of my phobia and overcome it." She continues, "It was as if I took away the weeds and stones, planted flowers and transformed my path into a garden. Nikolas, this dream you've been having for so long must have something to do with your past life. When you were talking, I was absolutely sure that you met Kevin in another time."
"It seemed that he was afraid of Nik." Tim explains.
"Maybe he suffered a lot because of you, Nikolas."
I shake my head, "Impossible. In the dream I promise that I will love him forever."
Julia sighs, "I think you should see Dr. Hoffman." she advises me.
I stare at the card for a second, "It never crossed my mind to talk with a psychiatrist."
"I know. But I wouldn't recommend him to you if I wasn't sure that he can help you." Says Julia with serenity in her voice. "I think that you and this man, Kevin, met in another life. Think about what is happening now. You met again and the feeling is so strong that you both recognized each other."
"Does he have the same dream as I do?" I ask.
"Maybe yes, maybe not. It could've been just an instinctive reaction. Often strong feelings have no explanation. They are actually memories from other lives. Maybe this is happening to him."
I put the doctor's card in my wallet. "I'll think about it."
... ... ...
I wake up early. The day dawns cloudy and cold. Although it isn't my original intention, I think it's best to go back to my office. But first I go to see Reiter. I ask for a few days to study the best way to solve the will problem.
I need to formulate a concrete proposal for Kevin and Heidi, although the two of them aren't the main problem. I'm sure they will agree to swap their share of the inheritance for the farm.
The problem is to convince Tim. He's a city person and perhaps this and Julia's firm decision not to take the property will force him to change his mind. In any case, it's his stubbornness that I need to overcome to close the deal.
I also need to think about the details of the proposal. I don't want to clash with Kevin. Even though he demonstrated that he fears me. A fear that affects me so much, that hurts my soul.
In fact, Kevin's unhappiness over the Will is righteous. He grewn up in that house. It's all he knows. It seems that he genuinely likes this town and he doesn't want to move out.
It's very clear to me that old Philipp, in making the will, wanted to control Kevin and Heidi's life. We all want to control the lives of those we love. To say what is right and what is wrong. Most of the time it doesn't work. Like in this case: Tim's uncle wanted Kevin and Heidi to build a new life when he clearly knew that this isn't what they wanted.
Yesterday, before returning to the inn, I left some money to Tim and Julia, to help them with their expenses at least for a while. Once again I asked Tim to think more carefully about the farm.
As I leave the town, I have a feeling of abandonment. As if I'm leaving part of myself in that place. I shake my head and take the road. Work is waiting for me.
When I arrive in Berlin I go straight to my office. I was away only for one day, but it felt like an eternity. I warn my partners that I'll have to return to Wolkenberg in a few days.
I know that I don't have to go back. I can just write the swapping proposal and convince Tim to accept it, which, with Julia's help, I can do it over the phone. The legal details, I can discuss them with Reiter by email. He himself can talk with Kevin and Heidi about the proposal, who will surely accept it.
But of course I won't do that. I want to see Kevin again. "I'm behaving like a teenager." I tell myself. "I need to get back to real life."
Real life! Marco! My phone is still off! I turn it on immediately and call him, expecting a flood of complaints, but to my surprise, he sounds happy to hear my voice.
"Ah, at last you've given a sign of life!" he says. "Nikolas, I'm glad you're back! Tonight is the opening night of the musical. You know I'm dying to go, right? A lot of celebrities are going to be there."
I've totally forgotten about it. But I let him think that I remember it and it's the reason why I came back. Marco likes to feel he's in control of the situation. He's so happy with my return that he doesn't even complain about me not answering his calls.
I work the whole day in a great mood. It's already dark when I go home. I need to leave my suitcase, take a quick shower and pick Marco up for the musical.
I begin to think that my life is an eternal coming and going. Get up, go to work, coming back and leave again to go to some event Marco insists on going. From Monday to Monday. I'm always running from one place to another.
On the way to Marco's apartment, I realize that I would have preferred to stay at home, just ordering something to eat and watch a bad movie with him by my side, just laughing at how ridiculous the script or the characters are.
But it's just a quick and silly thought that crosses my mind, that I'm sure it will never happen. Marco isn't the type of person that likes to stay indoors for too long. And that's okay, but going out every night is tiresome. There's always a dinner, a party or any other social event he comes up with, he wants to attend. And because he gets those invitations using my name, he always drags me along.
I sigh as he opens the door. Marco looks more elegant than ever, wearing an elegant three pieces Valentino suit.
We go to the musical. Our seats are right in the centre and close to the stage. The musical is great. The actors are fantastic. The writing, funny. It seems like the perfect evening, but I feel melancholic. Not really enjoying myself. What's wrong with me?
After the show, there's a cocktail party in the theatre hall. The crowds of people, the kisses, the handshakes. Two days earlier, I would've talked with everyone with a smile on my face. I would've exchange cards. I would've planned dinners that would never happen.
Tonight I don't feel like talking. Everything there sounds so fake. Something in me has changed. For good. Marco is enjoying himself as usual. He doesn't even notice my disinterest and discomfort. He doesn't even pay attention to me.
We leave the party and go to a restaurant. He chooses a trendy Japanese one. Crowded and noisy. Marco talks to me about this and that person he saw in the cocktail party. He doesn't even sound like the same upset person I left in the apartment the day before my trip.
As he talks about the night, my thoughts go to Kevin. His body, his voice, his face, his eyes... The eyes showing so much fear. Why does it hurt so much knowing that he fears me? Or even hates me?
"You're very quiet Nikolas." Marco says, almost in an accusatory tone, interrupting my thoughts, "did something happen?"
"I'm just worried about a client." I answer immediately.
"It's nothing to do with Tim, is it?"
"And if it was?" I retort, harder than I would've liked. I somehow find myself in a bad mood.
Marco shrugs, "It would be terrible to ruin the evening because of him. Besides, you still haven't told me how it went over there."
"You weren't interested." Again, the tone of my voice comes out harshly.
"You're being rude, Nikolas. I don't deserve that." Marco says, looking like a victim.
I sigh loudly, "I'm sorry. It's just been a stressful day," I say, more softly, "Tim inherited a big and beautiful flower farm."
"That's good. That way you don't have to worry about his life anymore."
For a moment I think I can share my worries with Marco. Isn't that how it happens with couples? "Yes, but there is a guy who is determined to contest the will. He thinks he's entitled to the farm." I continue.
"The child of the deceased?" he wants to know.
"No. Well, kind of. Tim's uncle just raised him. They have no blood or legal connection." I say in a few words, already firmly resolving not to tell him anything about it anymore.
"Anyways," he Changes the subject, "I went to your house yesterday because I forgot some of my things there and I found this." He takes something out of his jacket pocket.
It's a small black velvet box. He opens it and smiles at me, waiting for me to say something. I look at the ring and then at Marco. That's the ring I bought when I was thinking about proposing to him. But now, that thought is so far behind my mind, I almost didn't recognize the ring.
So that's the reason he was so happy to see me. "It's not mine." I lie. "A friend from the office wants to propose to his boyfriend and he asked me to hide the ring until it's time."
"Oh." Marco's face falls. He closes the box and gives it to me.
When we finish dinner, we go to his apartment. As soon as we enter, he kisses me. Deeply, removing my suit jacket and tie. "Please, stay the night." He whispers.
I nod and within minutes we are in bed. It's as good as ever. I end up sleeping there.
I'm not going to dream tonight, I think.
I'm wrong.
** Once again it's me and it isn't. I'm in a cathedral with a ceiling so high that I feel insignificant before the immensity. A vault supported by ogival arches that give the building its shape. Long stained-glass windows filter the sunlight. Despite them, the cathedral is dark. A dark haired woman with pale skin, is plunged into a shadow, wearing a purple gown with long trailing sleeves. I perceive only the shape of her face, the ever serious expression. The small crown of silver and diamonds attached to the top of her head.
Who am I? Who does the body I'm immersed in belong to? I try to recognize myself. I observe my hands. They aren't mine, but another man's. I try to guess my identity in this world revived by the dream. I notice that I am wearing a doublet, breeches, boots and a cloak. On my waist, a long sword hanging at my side in a gilded scabbard. It's clear that I must have some type of power and prestige for the quality of my clothes.
I observe the packed church. Not very far, I see some nobles and the most important people sitting on the chairs. Further back, the ragged and dirty people sit on the floor. They wait for the dark haired woman to talk.
She gets out of the darkness and looks at the crowd. She asks Christ, our Lord, for clemency. The drought is lasting way too long. Stricken by hunger, the people revolt.
"The vines no longer produce. We don't even have wine. Why are we being punished like this?" says a nobleman.
"Lack of faith is punished by God," the priest explains. "In this land live people who have dealings with the devil! Lucifer deceives. Let's find his servants. Rid this land from evil. We'll start a crusade to identify the witches. Each one must denounce his sister, his mother, his aunt, his neighbour. Whoever points out a witch will be rewarded with divine grace. Even a murderer will be forgiven, if he's at the service of our cause. The denouncer will also receive a silver coin."
The nobles make the sign of the cross. People shout. At last they know where to turn their anger. The witches are to blame for the misfortune that has befallen the land.
I feel dizzy, just by being there. I go to the sacristy. I hear footsteps behind me. The captain of the guards enter. "Conrad!" He says, "do you feel unwell?"
Conrad. That's my name in this world. "No." I reply looking at my reflection in a silver cup. My face, it's not mine, but someone else's. With the same features as me, still looks so different. He doesn't look more than 30. We share the same nose, mouth and eyes, yet our face shape and body is different. He also has a different hair colour. My hair is short and blond. This man's, however, is dark brown and shoulder-length. "I'm going for a ride." I simply say.
The captain looks troubled. "You can't go alone..."
"I won't be alone." I say. "I'll bring my horse."
"But...!"
"Please, Kirstan. I need to get away from here."
He sighs. "Very well. But please be careful."
I nod. I leave the church through a back door in the sacristy. Outside the weather is warm and arid. Not a single cloud is seen on the sky. The sun is shining brightly.
I mount a horse in a single leap and ride to the woods. The only part of this land that is still green. But not for long if the drought continues, as I already spot a few trees dying.
Slowly I approach a small lake. Memories of me as a child playing there comes to my mind. How happy I was to learn how to swim. I stop at a place beside the lake. It's been years since I came here. Everything seems bleak and lifeless. I remember when I'd come here to enjoy the serenity and silence. But now, there's nothing left.
Suddenly, I hear voices. Not so far from where I am. I leave my horse tied to a tree and walk towards the voices.
"Mother won't be pleased if she knows I let you leave the house." One voice says. It's soft. Feminine and young. "I'll take some more berries, then we go home. You stay here and don't go wandering around."
As I get closer, I see two people. A blonde girl and someone else I can see because they are wearing a cloak that covers their head. The girl gets up, holding a basket and leaves. I stay there, staring at the other person. I get startled a little when they start singing. It's a male's voice. He sings softly and quietly. It's a strange music. It's not even a song. It sounds more like a lament. But it's not exactly sad. More like a celebration of secret feelings, coming from the depths of the soul. And I feel surprisingly touched by that voice, as if it speaks to a part of me that I don't know.
I step forward, accidentally making noise as step on dry leaves. He stops singing and turns his head on my direction, startled. I see his face. It's him. Dream-Kevin. The sound of his voice remains suspended between us. I wait for him to sing again, or to say something. But instead he just stares at me for some seconds. His eyes are wide and he's trembling. He starts getting up and I know he's about to leave.
"Please stay, I'm not going to hurt you." I take a few steps toward him. "Please, stay" I repeat as gently as I can. I'm fascinated by him. I've never seen someone that looks like him. His dark skin doesn't seem to be the result of staying out in the sun.
He stays still while his chest rises and falls rapidly. He's scared but at same time confused and curious. It's as if it's the first time he is seeing a human being. His eyes are still wide and he doesn't look away from me. I want to touch him. He looks so fragile. So vulnerable.
He retreats slowly, taking deep breaths. Then he runs. "Hey, wait..." I run after him, but I can't reach him. The images in front of me start fading into darkness, "Wait, Kevin! Kevin! Kevin!" **
I wake up startled. Marco is sleeping next to me. I get up. I go to the kitchen, walking quietly not to make any noise. I drink a glass of cold water.
I already know it. Once again, I won't be able to sleep. It won't be long until the sun starts rising, so I don't even bother in trying to go back to bed.
I sit on the small balcony, despite the cold wind. Winter is almost over, but the temperature in the early morning hours is still low.
I take a deep breath. Maybe to try to control my heartbeat. I dreamed about Kevin again. But now in a different scenario. I relived the moment I first met him.
What if Julia is right? What if the dream is some kind of 'memory' from another life? It makes sense. There's even a strange synchrony between the dream and reality. In my present life, I just met Kevin. Now I dreamt how I had met her in another life. And just like in the real world, in the dream he ran away from me.
Everything is so confusing. The young man in my dream looks so different from Kevin, yet so alike. As I looked at him all I could think of is Kevin. Even in the dream, I called him by his present name. Dream and reality are blurring. It's as if I can't tell the difference anymore.
I need to do something about it. Alone, I no longer know how to deal with the situation.
Again, sitting there, I see the sun rising. A new day starting. I rethink my life. What is wrong with it? I always thought I was in control of the situation, even when I was leading a difficult life. I had a goal: to be someone. And I had got there. I don't have to worry about money. So what's happening to me? What path did I take for everything to change so much in my life?
It can't be just the dream. And the meeting with Kevin? Why did it shake me so much? The urgency I feel in my chest to see him again, to talk to him. It's all a new feeling for me.
I go back to bed and close my eyes. The image of Kevin doesn't leave me. The Dream-Kevin's face is replaced by the real world-Kevin's. Again, the barrier separating dream from reality, is no existing.
I manage to nap a little. But I don't rest. My whole body is tense. I decide to get up. It doesn't take long for Marco to wake up. We decide to have breakfast at a bakery almost across the street from his apartment.
I walk the whole way quietly. I let Marco choose the table. The dream seems so real! I feel torn between two worlds. My mind is filled by it. I see Marco's mouth moving. He's talking to me but I can't register a word he says.
"...-kolas! Nikolas!" He calls me and I snap back to reality. "Are you listening to me?"
I decide to be honest, "No. I'm sorry. What did you say?"
He gives me a long look before responding, "I asked, who's Kevin?"
I choke and pretend not to understand. "What?"
"You said that name when you were sleeping, Nikolas. You called him. Kevin. Who is it?"
I want to get out of the situation. Even though I don't know what to say. But I know Marco too well. He won't leave me alone until I explain. I tell the truth. Or half of it. "It's the name of the guy who is contesting Tim's will."
He arches an eyebrow, "And why did you scream his name in your sleep?" He asks, with great irritation in him voice. "Three times..."
My answer is a lie, "I don't remember. Maybe I dreamt that he was killing me, who knows."
"Is this Kevin good-looking?" He wants to know, trying a different approach.
"Marco, what is with these questions, this early in the morning?" I try to sound annoyed.
"Just answer me, is he good-looking?" He insists.
"Ah... I didn't even notice." I lie again. "Maybe he is, I don't know. Besides he's from the countryside. Not my type at all."
More relieved, Marco laughs. "Yea, I know your type."
"That's right. You're my type. I wouldn't be dating you if you weren't." I reinforce.
The jealousy crisis seems to have passed. "Are you coming back tonight or do I go to your apartment?"
"I don't know. Maybe I'll have an appointment. I don't know what time it'll be, or when it'll end." I explain.
"Maybe? Doesn't your secretary keep your schedule?" New suspicions arise in his eyes.
"Why so many questions?" I asked, already feeling annoyed.
"You've been acting weird since you arrived from that town."
"I'm worried. I don't usually stay out of the office. I'm worried about holding up my work." Finally I've found a way not to keep lying and to shorten the breakfast. "I'll go to my house and then drive to the office," I inform. "As soon as I have an answer about my appointment, I'll call you."
"Who is this mysterious appointment with?" He asks, suspecting again that something is wrong.
"A client. Who else could it be with?" Before there's time for him to say anything else, I grab our bill and stand up. "Finish your juice slowly, I'm the one who's in a hurry!"
I try to smile, but realize that it's only on my lips. In my thoughts is the dream. And Kevin. I say goodbye with a kiss, before I'm forced to tell another lie.
There's no client.
I'm going to see Dr. Hoffman.