John's POV
"HEY CHERYL, HOW LONG ARE YOU GOING TO BE IN THE SHOWER?"
"JUST A FEW MINUTES JOHN. A FEW MINUTES!"
Cheryl and I got back to our hotel room around 11pm after our double-date with Randy & Rey. We had a wonderful evening. I was thrilled seeing they were enjoying themselves again, especially Randy. He was so full of life and energy, constantly throwing jokes left and right. He kept me on my toes anticipating his next statement. I missed that. Rey wasn't in the bests of moods, but I can tell he enjoyed himself also, if only for a moment.
All this promotion for the new film was hard considering all of the other shit that was going in. I couldn't begin to imagine the stress that the guys were going through with Dave and his `recovery' at Saint Anne's. My chats with Randy clearly showed that he wasn't happy at all about it. I realized that he has every right to be upset, however threatening to murder Dave wasn't want I wanted to hear. I want Randy to move past all of this, not be consumed by it all. Try as I might I wasn't able to convince him to stand down. I'm due in New York two days from now but I can't leave, not with Randy in the shape he is in. Sure he's acting like his old self again, but my last Skype chat with him has gotten me worried sick.
I walked over to the bed and sat down on the edge. I slowly undressed down to my red and black checker-patterned boxers and flopped back hard on the mattress, legs dangling off the side. I stared at the ceiling blankly, thinking of my own complicated situation. I love Cheryl. I really do. We've been together for 3 years and things were getting serious between us. I really didn't understand why now I was feeling what I'm feeling. To put things into perspective, I brought this on myself.
A few months ago, I was working out in the gym at one of the arenas when I heard someone walk in. I turned my head to the left and gazed at the most beautiful thing I'd ever seen, and it wasn't my girlfriend Cheryl. It wasn't the first time I'd laid eyes on that person but for some reason, I was more receptive. I hated myself for the longest time, allowing what happened to go on for as long as it did. I couldn't keep doing this to her, to us. I need to nip this in the bud before it gets out of control. I kept contemplating my dilemma when my phone started to vibrate. Who's calling this late? In my mind I already knew who it was...
I reached over on the night stand and grabbed my cell and answered it without looking at the screen.
"Hello?" I asked weakly. I was really tired and just wanted to go to sleep.
["John."]
"Hello Justin..."
["How are you?"]
"I'm good. About to go to sleep. What do you want?"
["I...I just wanted to say hey I guess."]
I responded coldly. "Um...hey. Is that all?". I had to be strict with him, otherwise he wouldn't take the hint I wanted him to get.
["No John, that's not all. I need you toÑ"]
"Justin, I can't anymore. This has to stop. You realize that don't you? I'm in a relationship with Cheryl and I love her." I heard silence on the other line for a few moments before he sighed deeply. I hated myself for doing this to him, but I couldn't keep stringing him along anymore. I never promised him anything but I think deep inside he felt he could change me. The possibility that I would leave Cheryl for him was his wish he was determined to make happen but now he was realizing he is fighting a non-winnable war.
["I see. Well you can say you love her all you want John but I know that is a lie. I see the way you look at me, the way you are with me. Every time we are together, you see heaven. I hate to be cheesy but it's true. You don't love her, you loveÑ"]
"I love Cheryl, not you." Another moment of silence, I suspected this one was out of frustration.
["I can't keep beating a dead horse John. You're putting on a front for everyone and the one person you're going to end up hurting is yourself. You're in denial about who you are and what you want. I can't keep trying to make something happen that you won't allow. If you think I'm going to keep chasing you and playing your games, you're wrong."]
"I'm not trying to play any games with you Justin, I'm not. I want you to understand that this...thing we had is over. It was a mistake and I deeply regret it. I hate that I cheated on Cheryl with you those times we spent together. It was just fun to me, nothing more. I don't want to hurt you but you have to understand I can't leave her. What would Stephen think if he found out about what happened?"
["Don't worry about Stephen. That relationship was over long before I got with you. He knows that as well as I do. It's not like he hasn't done his fair share of straying from our relationship in the past but that's not the point. I know you're lying. You keep saying you "can't" leave her, not that you won't. What's holding you back John? Fear of what your colleagues would say if they found out? Fear of what the public would do if they knew you were in love with a man? The way you hold me, touch me, kiss me, I know there is passion and love behind those acts, not lust. Please John be honest for once!"]
I ignored his pleas for understanding and needing. I just can't. "I'm sorry Justin."
["No, you're not. Goodnight John."]
Justin hung up and I exhaled sharply. I tossed my phone back on the stand and removed my remaining clothing and slipped between the silk covers. Cheryl had gotten out of the shower during my conversation with Justin and was drying herself off. I doubt she heard anything that I said but I couldn't help estimating how loud I might have been on the phone to figure out if she might have overheard something . A few minutes later she came out of the bathroom and walked over to our bed sleepily. She reached into her makeup bag and grabbed her night cream. She'd applied a dollop of it to her delicate face, rubbing it in with a facial cloth and slipped her nude body into bed with me. She placed her head gently on my broad chest and wrapped her arm around my mid section. I pulled her close and took in her sweet scent.
"I love you Cheryl." I said with a hint of confusion in my voice. Justin had me shaken to the core for some reason. He always seemed to make me feel heightened emotions no matter what he did or said.
"I love you too John." She mumbled.
I love her and I love women. I'm not gay. I don't have a problem with gays, hell my best friend is gay! I'm not some self-hating homosexual who's in denial about his sexuality. I was just...curious. Justin was flirting me with that day in the gym and I just...gave in. It was a moment of weakness, that's it. Nothing about our affair was real. It was just sex to me and he couldn't get over that. He was the one pursuing a relationship, which I explicitly explained to him would never ever happen. I'm thinking of marrying Cheryl. I can't have this hanging over my head any longer. Justin meant nothing to me, nothing at all. We fooled around a few times. Nothing special. So why couldn't I get him out of my head?
"Goodnight John." Cheryl said drowsily. She slightly moaned as I shifted and began spooning her. I didn't feel my loins stir as our naked flesh rubbed against each other like I usually do. Thinking about Justin usually nullified those kinds of reactions I got from Cheryl.