Hey people! Thanks for the emails and everything. I Don't have anything to say really, so i'll just get right into the story!
Through My Eyes Chapter 7
Over the next couple of months into November, I consumed myself with other things to get my problems out of my mind. I couldn't deal with them, so I ran away from them. Jessy and I began dating, going to movies and whatnot. Nothing serious. She knew it wasn't the best time to pursue something serious. We had fun together.
My parents sent me to a psychiatrist for a while, but it didn't take. I just couldn't talk to him. He was an old man with an attitude problem. He didn't like me from the start because I was a "spoiled teenage brat", so eventually, my parents decided it was a waste of money and stopped making me go. I wasn't about to talk about my..problem with some old geizer who cons my parents out of their money.
Things were more or less under control and back to normal I guess you could say. I wasn't exactly happy, but I was managing. My grades hadn't suffered too terribly and were easy to make up. No one asked about my absence, which suited me just fine.
Present Date: December 15, 2000
You'd think I'd be happy, relieved, excited..something! I mean, it was the last day of school for winter break. But I saw it as two weeks of nothing to consume my thoughts. Idle hands are the devil's playpen and over the next couple of weeks, the devil would be given the opportunity to string me up as his personal marionette. "Cheer up, Jack! School's out!" Jessy forced a smile on my face with her fingers. I sighed and mustered up a smile, putting my arms around her from behind and hugging her tightly. "JC! Jessy!" A girl's voice squealed from behind us. We both turned to see Becky Johnson running up to us. Becky lived a few houses down from me and we 'd grown up together. She was a couple of years older than me, a senior this year. She was tall, about 5'11" or so, tan, dark hair and eyes. She was beautiful, like a model. We'd always been good friends, but hadn't talked much this year. "Hey Becky, how's it goin?" I asked, releasing Jessy from the embrace. Jessy held onto my arm and leaned her head on my shoulder. It felt comforting to have Jessy near me, but it didn't really feel right for some reason. Something was missing, but I tried not to think about it. I was lucky to have the people I had in my life. "It's going great! Listen, I'm having a party tonight and I want you both to be there!" She smiled cheerfully. She was peppier than Jessy, which is hard to beat. Jessy looked up at me as I looked at her. "I'm free," Jessy said, smiling at Becky. "I am as far as I know, too," I chimed in. Maybe a party would be good for me. I needed to have some fun for a change. "Great! Then I'll see you guys there!" She then bounced off to another group of people standing around. I said my goodbye to Jessy and headed to my car.
"What time does the party start, Jack?" My mother yelled from downstairs. I looked at the clock. "8!" I replied, pulling a shirt over my head. "You're gonna be late!" "It's not like they're waiting for me to arrive so they can start!" I yelled back, rolling my eyes. She was more excited about the party than I was. I hadn't gone out much lately and she was worried that I was becoming a recluse of some sort. As much as I loved her, I wished my mother would just chill out and let me worry about myself.
I went into the bathroom and added a few finishing touches to my look before heading downstairs. "I'll see ya, Mom and Dad!" I yelled as I was out the front door. I started to unlock my car, but stopped. It was a nice night out, not too cold, so I decided to walk. I made the short trip up the street and arrived. 20 or 30 people had already arrived before me, including Jessy. She greeted me with a kiss and gave me a huge smile. I returned the smile and followed her into the living room where the party was taking place. Music blared throughout the house and people danced and congregated with each other. Jessy led me in the middle of the moving bodies that were dancing to the music. It was some kind of techno stuff. I just bounced around for a while before I really let myself go. I swayed and moved to the music, letting it fill my ears and take me away from my world. I was having a genuinely good time. I danced and moved with the beat of the music, feeling the heat of the bodies around me. I started to sweat. "It's hot in here!" I yelled to Jessy over the music. She didn't hear me, she just kept on dancing. A body pressed up against me all of a sudden. I turned around and saw that it was a guy. He had his eyes closed and seemed to be in a trance. His body pressed against mine forcefully. I felt my face turn red and looked around to see if anyone was watching. Everyone else seemed to be in a trance as well. Finally, the guy opened his eyes. "Oh, my bad!" He said simply as he turned and danced with some girl on the other side of him. I stopped dancing and looked around, my eyes darting around the room. No one saw that right? Chill out, Jack, it was a mistake. But what if someone took it the wrong way? My head began spinning, sweat poured down my face. I felt like I was going to throw up. I started hearing voices. Harsh, cruel voices. "Fag!" "Homo!" "Sick perv!" My head whirled around. Where were the voices coming from? Everyone knew. I tried to move in between the dancing bodies, but I was trapped. Everyone seemed to be completely in a trance, unaware of anything but the loud music. I couldn't catch my breath. I felt dizzy and weak. I saw a break in the crowd and I darted through it. I needed air. The world seemed to soften. Nothing was solid. I felt like I would sink into the floor. There's the door. I opened it and rushed outside into the chill of the night air.
Immediately I was knocked back into reality. I took deep breaths and shook my head. This can't be happening again. The wind picked up and sent leaves dancing around in a swirl. I leaned against the wall, watching as they circled about in a mini-cyclone. The wind made an eerie howl that made my skin crawl. My mind whirled and the edges of my state of mind seemed to fade in and out as I watched the leaves dance around as if they were alive. The wind continued to howl, getting louder and louder until it seemed as if it was forming words. I shook my head. I must be going crazy. "You're a disgrace, Jack." The wind howled at me. I stared at it in disbelief. I shook my head continuously. I must be hallucinating again, just like that night I tried to. I sat down on the porch steps and took deep breaths. The wind still howled, filling my ears with it's sickening cry. "You don't deserve to live.." It hissed. I curled up into a ball and rocked back and forth. It was so cold. Cold. "Jack." I shook my head furiously. "No.no.no.." "God doesn't want you.." Tears flowed down my face like rivers. I sobbed uncontrollably. "He does. he does." Why is it so damn cold? The howl died down and the leaves settled back on the ground. Everything lay still. I looked up. Silence. I couldn't stay there. I had to leave. I started running towards my house, the cold air stinging my face through the tears. My chest started hurting, so I slowed down to a walk. The wind began picking up again. I looked behind me and all around me. My heart thudded in my chest like a million drums. "Jaacckk," I heard a whisper. I tensed up and tried to ignore it. It's just your imagination, Jack. You're just hallucinating. "Jaaacckkk." The whisper was closer. It felt like it was in my ear. I picked up my pace, looking behind me constantly. Bang! I bumped into something. I staggered back, clutching my head. I opened my eyes. "Cody?" I whispered in surprise. "Surprise." He groaned. "Oh my gosh! I'm so sorry." "Funny how we always seem to bump into each other..literally." He cracked. I looked at me. "Have you been crying, JC?" He stepped up to me and put his hand on my shoulder. I cowered under his touch. He pulled away. "What's wrong?" He asked, worry filling his voice. I looked around. "I..I don't know..I'm just.." the words tumbled out of my mouth. "Calm down. Come on, let's go back to your place." He took my arm and led me back home. My parents had gone to a business party at my mom's office and James was out partying somewhere, probably getting laid. We went inside and into the living room. Cody sat me down and then took a seat next to me. He rubbed my back comfortingly. "Now tell me what happened," he said, his voice low and soothing to the ear. I took deep breaths. My heart still thudded in my chest a million miles an hour. I couldn't speak. "JC?" He persisted. I looked at him, studying his face. He looked so concerned for me. I let out one last deep breath and my heart calmed. "Cody.I'm so scared." I finally spat out. "Scared? Scared of what?" He asked, confused. I took another breath. "I'm scared..of who I am." I looked up at him again, searching his face to see if he got what I was saying. He still looked completely confused. "And who are you exactly?" He asked, his eyes intent and unrelenting. "I think I might be.." I couldn't say it. I rested my head in my hands, took another deep breath. Why was this so hard? Of all people, Cody would understand. "What?" he asked. Didn't he get it? I thought people could read me like a book. "gay." I finished finally. His eyes widened at first, but then his expression softened. I stared at him for a reaction. "I don't know what to say. I never would've guessed it." He finally said. I looked down. "It's ok, thought, JC. There's nothing wrong with you, nothing!" I shook my head. "I'm a freak..a disgrace!" the tears came again. "And what does that make me?" He asked, sounding a bit hurt. "You know I didn't mean it like that." I sighed. "That's exactly how you meant it, JC. We're not freaks or disgraces. We're people, normal people with normal problems. This isn't a disease and it doesn't change anything about you." He assured me. I looked back at him and sighed. "I look in the mirror and I don't even recognize who I'm looking at
anymore." "That's not because of this. It's because of this idea you hold inside of you that this makes you a bad person. You don't want to be that person, so you don't know who you are. You look in the mirror and you don't know who you're looking at because you want so badly to fight who you are. You can't help it..you were born this way. God made you this way." "But God hates gays. It says so in the Bible." "That's how people interpret it in the bible! God loves everyone, JC!" I shook my head in disbelief. "You cannot go on thinking that God doesn't love you because of this, JC! He made you this way, just like he made me this way! He loves you, he loves me, he loves everyone! Trust me, I've been through this." I looked up at him. "I'm just so scared that I'll be treated like a freak or something." "There are going to be cruel people. People who don't understand, but you can't let them control your life, JC!" I sighed. I didn't want to think about it anymore. "I'm just tired of thinking about it." I threw my hands up in frustration. I wiped my face and sat back in the sofa. "Lay down. Get some rest and you'll feel better in the morning." I looked at Cody who put a pillow in his lap. I mustered up a smile and laid down on the pillow. Having him there was a tremendous comfort. He sat there until I fell asleep there, curled into a ball like a child.