Hey people! Well, here's chapter 5! I hope you like it! Nothing to say except enjoy!
Through My Eyes Chapter 5
I didn't know what to do. Cody was gone, possibly forever, and I was left alone with this feeling that was making the knot in my stomach grow bigger and bigger. I couldn't eat or sleep and I engrossed myself in running. At the rate I was going, I could become a sprinter in the Olympics. Either that or I would pass out trying. It helped me clear my head. I would take my Mom' s car to the beach and run, feeling the constant breeze coming off the ocean. It felt good to run, like I was running away from everything. Like I wouldn't have to deal with my problems anymore. I wish I could run away. I didn't know where I'd go, but I wanted to be somewhere else, anywhere else. Anywhere.but here.
I jogged down the deserted beach as the day began turning into night. I figured I'd better head back, so I turned around and walked the rest of the way, enjoying the view and the peace. As I walked towards my mom's car, my thoughts overtook me.
I can't be gay, I like girls! Maybe I'm bi! But that's almost worse, isn't it? I can't be, I just can't! My brother would disown me, my father would be even less proud of me, and I'd be labeled immediately and be hated by so many people because of it. People hear the label and immediately write you off as that and only that. I refuse. Maybe it's better that Cody left. I nodded my head. Yes, it's better this way. Definitely.
By this time, I reached the car and unlocked it. School started back tomorrow and I was dreading it. I didn't want to go back to the books, the stress, the people. I was sick of this place. I wanted out, but I was trapped. I turned the key in the ignition and drove back home and parked the car into the garage. I went inside and threw the keys on the counter in the kitchen as I passed. I started to go upstairs, but my Mom called me into the living room. "Hey Jack. Come in here for a sec." My mother called. I went into the living room where she sat. She had a suspicious grin on her face and I eyed her suspiciously. "What?" I asked curiously. I looked around and then back at her. "I've got a surprise for you." She said, not letting the grin fade. "What is it?" I asked, still confused. "And what's it for?" "Oh, you'll see. It's just for being a good son." Ok, I was completely confused now. Her face turned to the window as a car drove up into the driveway. Her smile only got bigger and she got up from her seat on the couch. She walked over to the front door and motioned for me to follow her. I hesitated at first, but did so. I stepped onto the porch as my Dad got out of the car that had pulled up. I looked at my Mom who was still smiling from ear to ear. "What's this all about?" I asked. "Surprise!" My Dad yelled from the car, motioning to it like Vannah White or something. "Call me stupid, but I'm not following." My Mom took my arm and pulled me down the steps to the driveway. "This is your new car, Jack." She said, searching me for a reaction. My eyes widened in complete surprise which seemed to satisfy my parents quite nicely. They both smiled and watched me intently. "Oh my gosh! You got me a car?! I can't believe it!" I was completely in awe. It was a beautiful car. It was a silver 97' or 98' BMW convertible. It was obviously a used car, but it looked brand new. I rounded the car to the driver's side and climbed in. I looked all around the car. "A CD player? This must have cost you a fortune!" I exclaimed. I looked up at my parents. "Well, you've earned it, Jack." My Dad said proudly, putting his arm around my mother. I was sitting happily in the driver's seat of my new car when a voice began echoing through my brain. 'All of you people are the same..with your cell phones and BMW's!' Cody's voice seemed to stick in my brain, stabbing me in the chest. "Something wrong, Jack?" My Mom asked worriedly. I looked up at her. "Oh, no! Are you kidding?" I faked. She shot me a strange look, but let it slide. They both turned and went inside, leaving me alone with the car. I sighed and rested my head against the steering wheel. Maybe I was just like all those other people at my school. I was a snob.
The next day was the first day of school. I was a sophomore now, which, in my opinion, is the absolute worst year in high school. My reasons being, when you are a sophomore, the excitement of being a freshman and in a new place is gone. You've still got two years left in school, and when you're a sophomore, that's when colleges really start to look at you. So needless to say, I was not looking forward to the coming year. I had packed my schedule with honors classes with the exception of a study hall here and an elective or two there. It was going to be tough to deal with my problems with myself and juggle everything else, so I forced myself not to think about it. I dove into studying and distanced myself from everyone around me. Cody's words that night at my welcome home party haunted me constantly. I suddenly had a certain resentment towards most of my friends and family. My relationship with my Mom began to deteriorate, I stopped hanging out with Jessy as much as I used to, and I found myself at home on most Saturday nights, alone. But at least I'd have a 4.0 grade average, right? Just thought I'd find some kind of plus in all of that. It was my own fault though.
Present Month: October
I pulled up in my driveway and got out of my car. The clouds in the sky that loomed over threatened a heavy downpour. I ran my fingers through my hair and sighed as I walked up to the front door and put my key into the hole. I started to open the door when I heard a car pull into the driveway. I turned to see Jessy's Jeep pulling in. I closed the door, set my bag down in a chair and descended a few of the steps as Jessy got out of her car. She looked preoccupied and nervous, which concerned me a little bit. She met me at the steps, but wouldn't look at my directly in the face. "Hey Jess. What's up?" I asked curiously, my concern clearly showing up in my tone. She looked up at me finally and I could tell I wasn't going to like what she had to say. "Mind if we sit and talk?" She asked softly. I nodded my head and sat down on a step as did she. She turned and took my hand, looking at me sincerely. I stared at her in confusion and waited for the bad news. "What's wrong?" I asked when she didn't say anything. She looked as if she was thinking about whether she actually wanted to say it. Finally, she took a breath. "Jack, I think we need to.take a break." She looked at me for a reaction. I looked down. Somehow, in the back of my mind, I knew this was coming. I don' t even know if I was really all that upset about it, but I felt like I should be, so the tears formed in my eyes. "I just have this bad feeling in the pit of my stomach. I don't feel right about this and it's been eating me up inside. I'm so sorry and know that the last thing I want to do is hurt you, Jack. I do love you so much, but something's just not right and I need to figure out what it is instead of leading you on and lying to you everyday. I'm sorry, Jack.I'm so so sorry." She stopped and tears began running down her cheeks. I knew she was going to beat herself up if she knew it hurt me, so I put my game face on, fighting back the tears that I knew were going to come eventually. I looked up at her and realized that I was upset about this. I loved Jessy with all my heart and here she was breaking up with me. But I mustered up a smile and wiped away her tears. She searched my face for what I was thinking, but continued to look confused. "It's ok, Jess. Really. I'll live. Besides, you said break, right? So its not completely over." She nodded and looked down. I pulled her into a hug and kissed her forehead comfortingly. She wrapped her arms around me and held me tight. We just sat there for a few minutes in our embrace before she pulled back. She wiped her tears and stood up. "I'm really sorry, but I have to go. My mom's probably pissed about me being late already, but I couldn't wait anymore to tell you, soo.." "I'll see ya, Jess," I stood up. She smiled and then turned around, heading to her car and getting in. She glanced at me one time as if to be sure I was ok and then drove off.
The second she was out of sight, my face dropped and the inevitable tears came out of me like an endless river. I ran inside and up to my room where I flung myself on my bed. I laid there and wept into my pillow for a few minutes before finally turning over on my back. Then I stared at the ceiling for a few minutes. I needed Jessy to keep me from thinking thoughts that I shouldn't be thinking. As long as I had her, I didn't have to deal with it. Did that mean I was using her? No, I loved her! I still love her! AGH! What the hell is my freakin problem?! Sigh.
The phone suddenly rang, interrupting my thoughts. I reached over to my nightstand and picked it up. "Hello?" "JC?" A familiar voice replied. "Cody! Oh my gosh, hey! How are you?" I jumped up excitedly. Guess that did the trick of perking me up. "I'm doing ok! Well, better than OK. I came out to a couple of my friends and they're completely cool with it! Can you believe it?" He exclaimed excitedly. "That's great! I'm glad for you!" I replied, genuinely happy for him, but at the same time a little wierded out. "So anyway, how's everything with you?" He asked. I got quiet, not really wanting to think about it. "Hello?" "Yea, I'm here." "Something wrong?" "Well, Jessy just broke up with me." I said sullenly. "Oh, JC. I'm so sorry! What happened?" "Nothing happened. She has a "bad feeling" or something like that." I explained. "Oh..well, I'm sorry. That really sucks." He said. I smiled and shook my head. "It's ok. She said it was just a break, so there's still a chance of us getting back together." "Well, that's good news."
We ended up talking for a half an hour about various things before he had to go. We'd lost track of time and his Mom was going to wig about the phone bill that month.
I hung up the phone and laid back on my bed. I rolled onto my side and suddenly felt completely exhausted. I slowly drifted off into a deep, dreamless sleep.
** "Faggot!" A voice echoed in my head. Was that James? "I can't believe it.." I heard my mother's voice. I heard my brother laughing uncontrollably. "I can!" He said menacingly. "He's not my son anymore!" I heard my Dad. "Didn't you hear? JC's a homo now." I heard a girl whisper. A million voices rang through my head and bounced around, making my head feel like it would explode. "Fag!" "Homo!" "You sick piece of shit!"
**
I sat straight up in my bed, trying so hard to catch my breath. It felt as if someone had tried to smother me with a pillow. I gasped for air. My eyes bugged out of my head. Sweat poured off of me and I felt sick. My stomach turned and I darted into the bathroom. As I sat against the wall in the bathroom on the cold tile floor, I felt completely alone. No one to talk to, no one who even cared. I buried my face in my hands and wept. I looked up and pulled myself up by holding onto the sink. I opened the medicine cabinet behind the mirror and looked through the several bottles. They were all either empty or of no use. I sighed and threw them on the floor in frustration. I stared at myself in the mirror, completely disgusted by the person looking back at me.
I took a deep breath and made my way downstairs into the kitchen. I was careful to be as quiet as possible and got what I wanted. I went back to my room and closed the door, making my way to the bathroom. I stared down at the knife in my hand and then looked up at the mirror. I didn't even know who I was looking at anymore. I looked again back at the knife and took a deep breath.
TBC....... Don't worry, chapter six is gonna be out real soon :)