Through My Eyes Chapter 14
I stared at my mother, unable to speak, hoping that I was hearing things. I couldn't catch my breath and I searched her face to see if I could find a trace of emotion, anger, disappointment? I couldn't read it. "What?" I asked innocently, as if I didn't know what she was talking about. She raised an eyebrow and rolled her eyes. "Jack." she sighed. She was disappointed. She hated me, she was disgusted by me. I felt my body sink in. "It's ok." She finished. I looked up. She had a sort of half-smile on her face, but I could tell she was unsure about the whole thing. "It is?" I asked, not believing my ears. She simply nodded and motioned for me to sit down on the couch. I did so and looked over at her. "I won't pretend to understand it, but it's ok. I just wish I would've known sooner, so I could've known what was making you so sad," she said softly, putting her hand on my arm comfortingly. I looked down for a second and then back up at her. "So you don't hate me?" "No!" "And you're not disgusted by me?" "Jack! How could you think that?" She exclaimed, sounding somewhat hurt. I shook my head, shrugging. "How did you know?" I asked curiously. I didn't look directly at her, but I watched her out of the corner of my eye, trying to avoid looking at her in the face. "I'd be blind not to notice how you looked when you saw that young man sitting on the couch earlier. But not only that, I watched you get in the truck." My face turned beat red and I sank down deeper into the couch. She rubbed my back soothingly. "Jack, it's alright. Really." I sighed, closing my eyes. Everything was happening so fast. I wasn't ready for this many people to know. I told Dr. Ryan so that I'd have someone to talk to. Then came Jessy, which was a huge accident, and now mom. This was just too much. I took a few deep breaths, feeling overwhelmed by it. You'd think I'd be relieved, happy, ecstatic even! But I was just scared. She would probably tell Dad now, then James would hear about it, then the whole school. I buried my face in my hands, but fought back the oncoming flood of tears.
My mom leaned in close to me, but I pulled away. I didn't look at her, but I knew she was confused. Who wouldn't be? Why wasn't I happy about this? Everyone who'd found out was ok with it, supportive even. Then what was wrong with me? I turned and walked out of the room and up the stairs, leaving my mother to sit there in confused amazement.
I flung myself on my bed and sobbed into the pillows. The smell entered my nose and I looked up. I was still wearing Cody's jacket. I took it off and stared at it before throwing it against the wall. I couldn't breathe. I hated myself. All I want is to be happy. I sighed and laid back, staring up at the ceiling. Happiness comes at a price, just like everything else. It's funny how the cost of happiness can sometimes be misery. It's really funny how happiness and misery can exist simultaneously.
I looked down at the jacket lying on the ground. I sighed and slid off my bed, slowly walking over to where it lay. I bent down and picked it up, bringing it to my face and breathing it in. I needed him, but was I ready for all of this? It's damn funny how stupid you get when you're upset. Why was I questioning myself? Why didn't I trust myself and the way I felt? I slid the jacket back on and stood up, looking around my room. I guess I just had to make up my mind, but realize that that is way easier said than done. I needed to see Cody and talk to him to make sure I was seriously ready for all this. I barely knew him and that had to be fixed because all of this could blow up in my face. But before I could even consider seeing Cody, I had to fix things with my mom. I decided I'd talk to her tomorrow. I wasn't ready to do that yet. Sigh. Wow, all that decided in less than 10 minutes.
The next school day went by pretty fast. I decided I'd better start focusing more on my school work if I had any hope of making above a C in my classes when it came time for report cards. So I paid attention, which made class go by quickly. Surprise surprise! I told Jessy about Cody having come down the night before and she cooed and awed over it. I looked around to make sure no one was listening and she laughed at me. "Relax, Jack. They wouldn't know what I was talking about anyway." I rolled my eyes and took my seat. I had to admit it was really strange talking about my new relationship with my ex-girlfriend, let alone my new relationship, with another guy. But it was nice to have someone to talk to about it who didn't give me looks of disgust. I smiled to myself and nodded my head contently.
That class drug by because we watched some video on how plants grow in different regions of the world and how animals survive and adapt to their surroundings. Lemme tell ya, I had the best nap of my life during that video. When she turned the lights on, I shot straight up, squinting because of the sudden change in light, and looked up at the clock. Two minutes.
Two minutes later, the bell rang and I threw my backpack over my shoulder, making my way down the row and out the door. Jessy caught up with me and walked with me to our lockers before we said goodbye and I headed to the parking lot. I had asked Becky Johnson if she could start taking me to and from school if I paid her for gas. She insisted that I didn't. "Besides, JC, it gives us a chance to talk and stuff. We never talk
anymore." I plastered a phony smile across my face and gave in.
I saw her leaning against her car as I walked out the doors to the parking lot. When she saw me walking towards her, she smiled and climbed in the driver's side of her Trooper. It was old and was past due to be sent to the trash heap, but it was her father's, who had died a couple year's back and she hadn't been able to part with it. I had to admit, it was almost scary riding in it, but it was only a few miles to our houses, so it didn't bother me too much. I got in the passenger's side, throwing my bag in the backseat and she greeted me cheerfully. "Hey, Jayce! How's it goin?!" I smiled, genuinely this time and shook my head, "Pretty good." Now that was the understatement of the year, but we'll just leave it there. She nodded and started up the engine, backing out and headed out of the parking lot. "So, what's new with you, Beck?" I asked, attempting to make friendly conversation. She seemed to be thinking about it for a minute before speaking. "Well, I got a volleyball scholarship to a college up north and I found out that I'm 5th in my class yesterday!" She said excitedly. "Wow, that's great! You smart people make me sick!" "Oh please, JC, you've made nothing but A's since you started school!" She rolled her eyes. I shrugged. "Like I said.." She laughed and came to a stop as we got to a stoplight. It was quiet for a minute before she seemed to remember something. "Oh..I've been meaning to ask you something ever since you're welcome back party last summer." She began, pressing down on the gas as the light turned green. "Shoot." I glanced over at her curiously. "There was this guy there that I'd never seen before." I thought for a second but went blank. I couldn't remember who had come. I'm not even sure if I knew everybody who had been there. "What did he look like?" I asked. She thought for a second. "He had darkish hair, about my height." She laughed. "Probably why I like him, since it's hard to find guys as tall or taller than me." I smiled, still trying to think. She continued. "He had the most amazing eyes, too! They were like this really sexy blue, really intense, and they stood out!" My heart stopped for that second as I realized who she was talking about. "I know his name started with a C because I asked Jessy about him, but I haven't been able to remember. It's been so long and I haven't seen him around school." "Cody." I said flatly. She looked at me strangely and nodded. "Cody! That's it! So tell me about him." "He's taken." I replied, probably a little harshly. I tried to cover it up. Lucky for me, she's not the brightest crayon in the box. "Oh," she said disappointedly. "Well, he just needs to meet me and maybe I could change that." She said, a tad cocky. God help me, I almost got out of the car at that moment. A shot of jealousy ripped through me like wildfire. I didn't say anymore and she looked over at me, wondering why I had turned so quiet. I avoided her eyes and just waited for her to drop me off.
Finally, we arrived at my house. It seemed almost as if she had been driving slower just to see me squirm, but I knew better. I got out of the car and grabbed my bag from the back. "Thanks for cartin me around everywhere, Becky!" I said cheerfully. She smiled and shook her head. "It's really no problem! It's nice to have some company!" I nodded and waved to her. She drove off. Maybe I'd been a tad too obvious. Maybe she'd figured it out. I am really easy to read, after all. I shook my head. Stop it Jack!
I turned to my mailbox and opened it, reaching in and grabbing the mountain of envelopes stuffed in it. I closed the box and walked towards my house. I ascended the stairs to my front door and unlocked it, pushing it open. I closed it behind me and threw my backpack at the bottom of the stairs, heading into the kitchen. I looked through the envelopes and came to one with my name on it. I eyed it curiously and threw the other envelopes on the counter. I went into the fridge and grabbed a bottle of water and a pear, taking a big bite out of it. I sat down at the kitchen table and opened the envelope, unfolding the papers.
Dear Jack,
I can't believe how much it hurts not having you near me. I can't believe that I feel this way about someone. It's indescribable how much you mean to me and I still can't believe that you feel the same way. I'm coming to see you tonight, but I guess you already know by the time you get this because I will have come and gone already. If I forget to say it, Jack, I love you. I know it's only been a week since we've gotten together, but I've known since I met you that I loved you. I'm hoping by now that you already got my other note if I forget to mention it while I'm there. This letter is pretty pointless but I had to write you. I can't wait to see you and I love you.
Love always Cody
I set the letter down on the table and looked out the window, a ridiculous grin spread across my face. Was I like this with Jessy? Probably. I was a sucker for stuff like this, but Jessy never really did anything like this. I was always the one who wrote all the love notes and said all the sweet things. I could get used to this. The phone rang, interrupting my ridiculously happy trance. I shook my head and cleared my throat, reaching over to pick up the phone. "Hello?" I probably sounded way to enthusiastic. "Well, you sound happy." "Cody!!" I nearly shrieked. I covered my mouth, embarrassed. He laughed and my face turned bright red. "Wow, didn't know I had that gleeful affect on people." "I don't know about people, but you sure get me goin!" I chimed. "Oh I do, do I?" He teased. I blushed once again. "Down boy." I joked, lowering my voice. "Oh I like what you just did with your voice there." At the rate I was going, my face would freeze into a permanent red color. "I'm sure you look cute with your face all red." He added. My mouth dropped. "How'd you know?" " Lucky guess," I could tell a smile was spreading across his face. "Perfect timing, by the way," I stated. "Why's that?" "I just got your letter," I began grinning again. "Really?" I could tell it was his turn to blush. I smiled to myself and leaned over the counter, fiddling with the phone cord. "So, to what do I owe the pleasure?" I asked, tilting my head. "Just wanted to hear your voice," came Cody's reply softly. I nearly melted into a puddle on the floor right there. Somebody, quick, get a mop. Of course, I blushed again. "You're too good to me," I smiled. "S'my job!" He noted enthusiastically and then added, "Well, I'm really sorry to do this Jack, but I gotsta go." My face dropped in disappointment, but it was probably better. I nodded. "Oh, ok." "I'll call you later on, ok?" "Great!" I wondered if I sounded as pathetic to him as I thought I sounded. I shrugged. "I Love you," he said sweetly. I wanted to say it, I did. But I needed to figure some stuff out before I could. I needed to talk to my Mom and straighten things out. I needed to talk to Dr. Ryan about all this and sort some stuff out. "Bye, Cody." I hung up. A pang of guilt shot through me like a bullet on it' s warpath. I grabbed the letter on the table and went up to my room, grabbing my backpack on my way.
I sat up in my room, working on my homework when I heard my mom come in the front door. I decided to let her settle in for a while before I went down to talk to her, but she beat me to the punch. My room was the first stop she made.
She knocked on my door softly and opened it, peering her head in. "Jack? I'm home." I turned and smiled at her. She was still in her suit and coat, her briefcase clasped tightly in her hand. She stepped inside my room and set her briefcase down. "Good. I wanted to talk to you," I said, getting up from the desk and walking over to my bed, sitting down. I looked down as she took a seat next to me. "I'm sorry about the way I reacted last night. I freaked. You just surprised me and I just wasn't ready for anyone to know yet. Jessy found out and that was all well and good, but then you. Who's next, James? Then what would happen?" I rambled, unable to look her in the eye. I took a deep breath. She leaned down at eye level with me and looked at me. "I won't tell a soul." She whispered with a small smile of assurance. I looked up at her and nodded. "Thank you." Short pause. "So you're ok with it?" "Of course I'm ok with it. It doesn't change a thing!" She exclaimed matter-of-factly. I smiled, glad by her words. She smiled as well and pulled me into a hug. "I love you, Jack." "I love you too, Mom."