Well, here it is. I won't start talking this time... enjoy..
Through My Eyes Chapter 11
Have you ever been so confused and thrown by a situation that all your beliefs come into question? Had I done the right thing by letting Cody go? Was this all just a phase that I would grow out of? Did I ever love Jessy? Do I love Cody? Do I even know what love is? All these questions running through my head constantly and no answers to decrease my chances of going completely insane. The more I thought about Cody, the more I started to question my decision. The more I thought about Jessy, the more I convinced myself that I never did actually love her. Did I? Could I love a girl if I was supposedly gay? Not an easy question to answer when you know nothing about the subject. I needed badly to figure everything out, but I had to take it one at a time. First..Jessy.
I pulled up into Jessy's driveway two weeks after the episode with my mother that night. I sat in the car, still pondering whether or not I wanted to even see Jessy. In class, we never talked or even looked at each other. I resented her for some stupid reason. I didn't even know why, that's what's so weird about the whole thing. I guess I partly blamed her for making me think about this so much. She broke up with me, forcing me into all these decisions. Maybe I should be thanking her, not resenting her. I stared up at her house for a few minutes before finally getting out of the car. I made my way to the front door and rang the doorbell. I waited a moment before hearing footsteps coming towards the door. Then it opened.
Jessy looked back at me with an emotionless expression on her face. "Hi, Jackson," she said coldly. I looked down, stung by her tone of voice. "I wanted to talk to you," I said softly. "I'm kinda busy." "It won't take long, I promise." She seemed to be considering it before finally stepping aside, signaling for me to come inside. She shut the door behind me and stood there with her arms crossed, waiting. "Can we sit down somewhere?" I asked. She rolled her eyes and sighed, walking into the kitchen. I followed her and we sat down at the kitchen table. "Jessy, I wanted to apologize for the way I've been acting lately." She raised an eyebrow. I continued. "I've just been figuring a lot of things out and still have yet to, but one thing I've always been so sure about is what I have with you." As I spoke and looked at her, I realized so many things. I just kept talking, thinking aloud. "I guess I also want to thank you, Jessy." I added. She leaned in, looking somewhat curious. "You've changed my life. You've changed me..for the better. You made me feel like I was important and you made me feel loved. You helped me realize that I could love someone. I loved you so much as a girlfriend, but I will always love you as just you. You know me better than anyone I know, which is frustrating at times, but I know you won't take advantage of it." I took another breath. Her cold body language was relaxing and she seemed to be softening. "Jessy, thank you. A million times thank you." I finally concluded. I searched her for some kind of reaction. When she finally looked up at me, she had a smile forcing it's way out. In an instant, her arms were around me, hugging me tightly. I hugged her back. There was no doubt in my mind that I had loved Jessy. "Thank you, Jack," she whispered into my shoulder. I smiled and hugged tighter. We stood there in the embrace for a few moments before finally pulling away. She looked up at me and smiled.
About an hour later, Jessy and I strolled in her neighborhood park. Kids played and laughed all around us. The sky was clear and the temperature was crisp, but not freezing. She held onto my arm. We had walked in comfortable silence, but had never said so much to each other since I'd known her. We walked over to the swings and sat down. "Jack?" she finally spoke up. I looked up. "Yea?" "You think we'll ever find what we had with someone else?" the question surprised me, but I thought about it. "What we had can't be exacted, Jessy. It was special. But, I know we'll find something completely different that will make us so happy we can hardly stand it." She smiled and nodded. "Love's a funny thing, huh?" She began drawing something in the sand with her foot. I nodded in agreement. "That it is." "It's nice though." "That it is." Just then, something flashed in my mind, an image. I perked up. "So, you wanna get together this weekend? Go to a movie or something?" I looked at her with a smile. "I can't. I've got something I need to do."
I drove 10 miles over the speed limit as the rain pounded down on my car. I looked down in the passenger's seat at the map. I traced the route with my index finger and nodded, looking around for the next exit. A minute later, it came into view. I turned on my turn signal and turned off onto the exit ramp.
I made my way down unfamiliar roads, glancing at the map at every stop light. I grabbed a sheet of paper from my glove compartment and read it. 124 Westridge Road I turned into the neighborhood and began searching for the road I need to turn on to. After what seemed like forever, I found it and made a hard right turn, almost missing it. The rain came down harder, pounding furiously on the roof of my car. I slowly rolled down the street, looking for the right house number. I found it fast and parked at the edge of the yard. I looked up at the house and gathered up my courage. I got out of the car and jogged up to the front door. Even only in the few seconds it took me to reach the door, I was soaked from the inside out. I shook a little, although it did no good. I took a deep breath and pushed the doorbell. A light went on and I heard footsteps. Finally, the door opened. "Jack?" Came a surprised greeting. "Hey Cody," I said softly, avoiding eye contact. My shyness was kicking in. What was I doing? What was I thinking by coming here? "How.what are you doing here?" He asked in disbelief. "I, uh.." I fumbled with my words. Before I could get them out, I heard a voice come from inside. "Cody? Who is it?" Came a guy's voice. He stepped in front of the door clad in only a pair of pajama pants. A pain shot through my heart and my throat seemed to close up. All kinds of thoughts rushed through my mind and I felt foolish. I stared at them, on the verge of vomiting. "Jack? Are you alright? Come inside." "No.I shouldn't have come..I'm sorry." I turned and ran. Cody called after me, but I pretended I didn't hear him. The rain was deafening and thunder clapped. Lightening lit my surroundings, but everything seemed to stay, suspended, disappearing in the bright light of the lightening. I got into the car and started it up, peeling down the street. He didn't love me..
Through My Eyes Chapter 12
I didn't understand it. It just didn't make sense. He had kissed me not long ago. He said he had feelings for me. Can feelings like that fade so quickly? I guess I had my answer, although it was incredibly hard to accept. I parked the car in front of a small playground of an elementary school. I got out into the pounding rain and let it wash over me, hoping it would wash away the pain. I slowly walked over to a swingset and sat down. I sighed as my tears were lost, mixed in with the salty rain that streamed down my face as well. Why had I come here? What the hell was I thinking?
I don't know how long I sat there. I didn't care. I just wanted to disappear forever. I closed my eyes and buried my face in my hands. A light flashed over my face and I opened my eyes. I looked up and saw a flashlight darting around before finally settling on me. Oh shit, the cops. Wait, no. No sirens or flashing lights. I squinted through the rain, but was unable to see beyond my nose. "Jack?!" came a yell. I sank. Cody. Why had he come looking for me? I wish he would leave me be. I don't want to see him with.with. I started to cry again. "Jack." He was only maybe a half a foot away from me now. I looked up at him and he stood there quietly, looking down at me. I swallowed and looked back down, staring down at the ground. He came closer and kneeled down in front of me. "Jack? Are you alright?" I didn't answer him. I just continued to stare down at the ground, but he moved into my line of sight. "Come on, let's go back to my house. You must be freezing." Now that he mentioned it, it was cold out here. Scratch that, I felt like an ice sickle. But I didn't want to see. "No." I said coldly. He tried to put his arm under mine to pick me up, but I yanked away. "Cody? You found him?" I heard a voice. Oh God, what did I do to deserve this? Cody turned away. "Yea, gimme a hand." He instructed. If that guy touches me I swear I'll..I' ll.. Ok, they're picking me up. Why can't I move? It's so cold. I felt my legs giving way beneath me and before I knew it, blackness consumed me.
I woke up not long after that, lying on a couch. It wasn't cold anymore and I wasn't wet. Wait a minute, I wasn't wearing any clothes. I shot straight up where I lay and looked around. A sudden bolt of pain ran through me and my head began to pound. I lay back down, unable to keep myself up. I closed my eyes as the lights made my head pound worse. Something warm and wet was laid across my forehead. I opened my eyes to see Cody looking down at me. I looked away, feeling the tears coming back. It hurt to look at him. He brought his hand to my face caressed it gently. I closed my eyes, relaxing and reveling in the feeling of his warm hands on my skin.
I tensed up. No.he wasn't touching me because he cared. He was only touching me because.well, I don't know why. He retrieved his hand and sighed. "Jack, what are you doing here?" Came his soft, gentle voice. I bit my lip, fighting back the tears. "Jack, talk to me. Please." His voice cracked. I had to look at him. Was he about to cry? I stared up at him, the light making him glow.like an angel. I smiled at the beautiful sight. "My Angel," I simply whispered. His face changed into confused expression. "Cody? Is he alright?" It hit me like someone had just thrown a rock at me. No, Cody, don't look away. He looked back down at me, still with the confused expression on his face and then stood, taking something from that.guy's hands. He set a bowl down on the coffee table next to where I lay. I felt myself slipping, feeling suddenly tired. I fought to stay awake, but soon sleep overtook me and drifted off.
I woke up several more times, but the lights were out. I thought I heard breathing, but I couldn't stay awake long enough to see if someone was in the room with me. I dismissed it as a half-sleep hallucination or something.
When I finally awoke again, it was morning. The headache rushed back at me once again, as if punching me in the face continuously, trying to knock me out cold. My whole body ached. I heard something stir around me. I looked over and Cody sat on the coffee table, looking down at me. The rain continued to patter against the window, but it was no longer a harsh pound. It was lightly dancing around on the glass of the windows. I sat up, making sure the covers stayed covering my lower half seeing as how I was a bit indisposed. He continued to stare at me. I found it extremely difficult to look at him. "Why'd you come..Jack?" He asked, breaking the silence. His tone not harsh, but not gentle. I looked at him, caught off-guard, then looked away. He moved next to me on the couch, continuing to stare at me. "Answer me," he demanded in a whisper. I looked at him out of the corner of my eye and sighed. "Because I love you," I whispered, hoping he would hear it so I wouldn't have to say it louder. He heard it alright. I watched him as he sat back against the cushions of the couch, an unreadable expression on his face. When he didn't speak for a few minutes, I looked over at him. His expression hadn't changed. "Say something," I pleaded softly. "What do you want me to say? I love you too?" He retorted. I cringed at his harsh tone and closed my eyes.
A few more seconds of silence went by. "I love you too." He finally whispered. I opened my eyes and looked over at him. His face showed a gentle smile, almost a shyness. I didn't know what to say. It wasn't registering. "But what about?" I began and then stopped. He searched my face. "What about..what?" he asked, obviously confused. "What about your." I swallowed, "boyfriend." My voice cracked as the words came out and I felt a single tear trickle down my cheek. "My boyfriend?" He asked, now sounding really confused. "You mean Jon? Jack, that's my brother!" He exclaimed with a slight laugh. I looked up at him in surprise. I swallowed the lump that had formed in my throat. "Your brother?" I asked, as if I didn't believe him when he'd said it the first time. "Yes, Jack." He smiled, shaking his head. I had to smile at my foolishness. Before I knew it, his lips were pressed against mine. This time, however, I didn't think about it or analyze it or try to stop it. I whimpered a little at the amazing feeling of his soft lips pressed gently against mine, moving in perpetual motion, making me lose myself. He brushed his tongue over my lower lip and I parted my lips, feeling his tongue slide inside my mouth. He tasted so sweet. I've never tasted something so sweet as his kiss. I began lowering myself down, resting my head on the pillow I had slept on, not parting once. He continued kissing me and I him as I wrapped my arms around his neck. I felt his hand brush against my bare chest and I gasped at the feeling of his touch. Finally, he pulled away and smiled down at me. "I love you, Cody. I'm sorry I didn't see it before, but I see it now." I brought my hand to his face and brushed my fingers over his features and caressed his cheek. I smiled..more to myself than him and looked into his eyes. They seemed to look straight into me and he smiled down at me sweetly. He brought his finger to my lips and pressed it there. I kissed it softly and took in a deep breath. It was all too much to take in at one time, but I forced myself not to think. We continued to stare into each other's eyes. I was lost in the deep blue sea of his intense stare. My eyes moved down and fixated on his lips. Ever-so-slightly, silent words danced across them in the form of."I love you too." I lifted my head up and kissed him once more. I pulled away and gave another sigh, closing my eyes. I expected it all to be a dream, but when I opened them again, there he was.
After what seemed like hours; hours that I never wanted to end; he finally stood up. I looked up at him and smiled. "You must be hungry. Come on in the kitchen and I'll fix us something to eat." He started to walk towards the kitchen. I realized my situation and cleared my throat. "Um.Cody?" I said meekly. He turned around and looked at me. Immediately, a huge grin spread across his face and then he began laughing. "Sorry bout that. I guess I forgot." He shrugged. He disappeared upstairs and came back down a minute later with a pair of boxer-briefs, jeans, and a tshirt in his hands. I started to reach for them when he yanked them out of my reach. I shot him a questioning look. A sly grin appeared on his face. "You don't have to wear anything, ya know." He raised his eyebrow. I rolled my eyes and stood, holding the blanket around my waist. I started to reach for the clothes again, but he yanked them away again. "Cody.." I warned. He smiled. "What about your parents?" "Out of town." "Your brother?" "He doesn't even live here." I ran out of reasons. I thought for a second and then smiled coyly. "So, we have the house all to ourselves, huh?" He smiled hopefully and nodded. I stepped up to him slowly and placed a kiss on his chin, then his cheek, and then softly pressed my lips against his. He seemed to melt suddenly and I seized the opportunity. I reached around and grabbed the clothes out of his hand. Unfortunately, I forgot one little detail. While I was smiling in victory, Cody stood there, arms crossed over his chest, staring at me with an amused expression on his face. That's when I realized I'd forgotten about the blanket that covered me up. I turned beat red and immediately bent down, retrieving it and replacing it around my waist. I looked away, embarrassed. He walked up to me and brought his lips millimeters away from my ear. "Oh, trust me, Jack. You have nothing to be embarrassed about." I turned even more red as he walked out of the room towards the kitchen, strutting.
I put on the clothes he'd given me and then went into the kitchen where he was making something that smelled incredible. I looked over his shoulder. "French toast? My favorite!" I exclaimed. He looked over his shoulder and smiled at me. I roamed around the fairly large kitchen and looked at the pictures on the fridge. One of Cody when he was little, about 6 or so. He was dressed in a little cowboy suit, I assumed for Halloween and holding a toy gun, pointing it towards the camera. I smiled at the picture and continued to roam the kitchen. I wondered back into the living room and strolled around, looking at the various pictures and trophies Cody and his brother had won over the years. All of the swimming ones were Cody's and all the baseball ones were Jon's. I wondered if he'd been on the swim team at our school. I shrugged. "Eh hemm." Came a voice from behind me. I turned around to see Cody standing with two plates in his hands. I hurried to him and took one of them. He sat down on the couch and put his plate down on the coffee table. I followed suit and watched as he turned on the TV. "I'm starving!" I exclaimed, digging into my food. He smiled at me and began eating his as well. "I didn't know you swam." I brought up between bites. He nodded and turned to me. "Yea, I used to play a lot, but when I moved to Charleston, I was too late for the season and didn't really have time for it." I nodded and took another bite. We watched TV some, but I wasn't really paying attention. My eyes kept wandering over to Cody, studying him intently. Once he looked over at me and I immediately looked away, pretending to be engrossed in the TV show. I looked down at my half-empty plate and pushed it away. He looked down at it and then at me. "You're not finished, are you?" he asked in surprise. "Yea. I wasn't as hungry as I thought." He eyed me skeptically before letting it go. When he finished, he took both our plates back into the kitchen, returning a few seconds later. He reclaimed his seat on the couch next to me and relaxed. A gazed at him, again studying his every feature. His deep blue eyes, outlined by dark, thick lashes which made the blue stand out, his dark hair that was shorter than I'd last seen it and gelled a little. His lips. The lower one full, but not huge, and the upper one just a little smaller than the bottom. Perfect. He noticed me looking at him and smiled at me wide. His dimples then appeared, the icing on the cake. I laid back against him, holding onto his arm, cuddling up to him. He smelled faintly of cologne. Just enough. I breathed it in welcomingly. I closed my eyes, letting the memory of this moment be burned in my brain. He kissed the top of my head softly and ran his fingers through my hair. I sighed happily and just sat there, reveling in the feeling of having Cody near me. My heaven..my angel.