The characters in this story are based on characters from the Fox TV series "That 70's Show," produced and copyrighted by Carsey-Werner Productions. Nothing in these stories should be taken as a representation of the actual sexual orientation or behaviors of any of the actors from the show. This is purely a fantasy, totally fictional, and (hopefully) totally hot!
Hope you enjoy! Comments welcome at zippyqueer@hotmail.com.
- Zippy Queer
Those 70's Studs
Part 1 -- Eric and the Little Red Bumps
Eric Forman was in a terrible tizzy. His gorgeous red-haired girlfriend, Donna, had refused to sleep with him ever since she found the little red bumps on the head of his dick. Donna accused Eric of sleeping around on her and getting an STD. But Eric had never cheated on Donna. How in the world could he have gotten an STD? He really didn't know what to do, so he decided to ask his best friend Kelso for advice.
Kelso and Eric had been friends ever since they were little, and Eric trusted Kelso more than anyone in the world, except maybe his mom. Oh, and Donna. But even though Kelso was his closest friend, Eric was still worried that Kelso would blab his secret to their other friends, Hyde, Jackie, and Fez. Kelso was not what you would call the brightest bulb. Eric decided that if he made it really clear to Kelso that this had to be kept secret, Kelso would keep his trap shut. So when Kelso came by the Forman house that night, Eric took him down to the basement for some privacy.
"Kelso, I've got a problem, and I need your advice," said Eric.
"OK man, what kind of problem is it?" Kelso said.
"Well, it's kind of ... personal. And you have to promise not to tell anybody about this. Not even Jackie." The expression on Eric's face showed Kelso that this was serious stuff.
"Eric, you're my best friend, and I'll keep your secret, don't worry."
"Alright. Well, you see, Donna and I are having problems. She won't...you know...do stuff with me anymore, ever since about a week ago."
"Why? Did you cheat on her? It wasn't with Jackie, was it?" Kelso glared at Eric. Even though Kelso and Jackie weren't a couple anymore, Kelso still got jealous when he thought a guy was after her.
"No, that's just the thing, I haven't cheated, but Donna thinks I have. She thinks I have a sexually transmitted disease." The phrase 'sexually transmitted disease' made Kelso want to laugh, but he tried to be serious.
"Why would she think that?" Kelso gave Eric his trademark stupefied, vacant look.
"Well, you see, I've got these little bumps on my, uh, you know, down there." Eric blushed a little.
"Down where?" Kelso was not joking, he truly had no idea what Eric meant. Again, not the brightest bulb.
Eric lowered his voice a little to say, "On my dick, stupid. I have a bunch of red bumps on the head of my dick, and she thinks it's herpes or gonorrhea or something."
Kelso, thinking Eric was clearly a dumbbell, said, "Eric, it's not gonorrhea unless you get the runs."
"No, Kelso, not diarrhea, gonorrhea. It's this awful STD. But the point is, I can't possibly have an STD--I haven't been with any girls except Donna! I really don't know what to do. I'm getting a horrible case of blue balls."
"Oh, is that a symptom of diarrhea?"
"No, Kelso, I mean that I really need to get my rocks off. It's been over a week since Donna let me near the Big Red Beaver."
Kelso guffawed at that one, but then remembered how upset Eric was and sat by him on the basement couch, putting his arm around Eric's shoulders and saying, "Don't worry, we'll figure this out. Maybe the first thing to do is to figure out whether you really have an STD, or if not, what's giving you the little bumpies!" Saying "bumpies" sent Kelso into a giggle fit, but he recovered pretty fast.
"Well how am I gonna figure that out? I can't go see the family doctor--he's a lodge brother of my dad's, and Red would totally kill me if he found out." Red, Eric's fascist father, would not tolerate any nonsense from his son.
"Hmmm. That's a tough one. Well, why don't you let me take a look, and I'll see if I know what it is."
Eric immediately stood up and said, "No way! I'm not showing you my dick! My poor, diseased dick...." He looked down at his crotch with sad puppy-dog eyes.
"Oh, come on, it's no big deal, we're best friends. And besides, how can I help you if I don't even know what it looks like?"
Eric thought it over. "But, wouldn't it be, you know, a little weird? I mean, I've never been naked in front of you before."
"Stupid, you don't need to be NAKED. Just show me the affected area." Kelso could tell that Eric was still hesitating. "OK, if it would make you feel better, I'll show you my dick too. That way, we'll be even." Kelso was very satisfied that he had come up with such a good plan.
"Well, OK, but we shouldn't do it here. Let's go up to my room." They hurried up the stairs. On the way, Eric's mom Kitty saw them and asked, in her irritating nasal voice,
"What are you boys doing? You seem like you're in such a big hurry! Hee heee hee heeee." Kitty always ended her observations with that annoying laugh.
Eric thought quickly and said, "Oh, I'm just going to show Eric my...um...um...my new Who record! Yeah, that's it."
Kitty said, "Who?"
Eric said, "Yeah, Who."
Kitty said, "Who who?"
Eric said, "You know, the rock band."
Kitty said "Oh, you kids and your rock n' roll..." and then skipped down the stairs singing "Who whooooo...who who-who-who who whooooo" to the tune of "Born Free."
"Whew--that was a close one!" Kelso said. They ran up the rest of the stairs. Once they reached his room and closed the door, Kelso said, "OK, drop your pants, man."
Eric said, "No, you go first."
In his best kindergarten-teacher voice, Kelso said, "Now Eric, you're the one with the problem, so you have to go first. It's only fair." Eric reluctantly nodded. Kelso sat down on the bed while Eric reluctantly unzipped his pants and slid down his briefs, revealing a thin little circumcised penis. Kelso started to laugh, but Eric glared at him, and he got serious again. "OK, let's see here, where are these little red bumps?" Eric grabbed his dick and pointed the head toward Kelso's face.
"See, Kelso, right around the tip. There were only a couple last week, but now there are a whole bunch." Eric was clearly embarrassed but also truly concerned about his health. "So, what do you think?" Kelso stared at it for quite a while. In fact, he stared so long that Eric got really uncomfortable. "Kelso, if you're going to stare like that, it's only fair that you show your stuff too." Kelso shrugged, stood up, casually unsnapped his fly, dropped his pants and shorts to the floor, then leapt onto the bed, and said,
"Alright, you get on the bed backwards from me, so I can look at your sores and you can look at whatever it is you want to look at on me." Eric did as Kelso said. Eric felt weird about looking at Kelso's dick and balls, especially from such close range. He had never really looked at a dick up close, other than his own, and he felt really weird about the whole thing. Plus, Eric was embarrassed to find that Kelso's dick was quite a bit bigger than his own. Kelso's dick was very wide and nearly twice as long as Eric's, and it was uncircumcised. Eric thought Kelso's dick was actually kind of nice to look at, in a weird sort of way.
Just as he was taking a look at Kelso's big testicles, Eric felt a hand grabbing onto his dick! He jerked away and yelled, "What the fuck are you doing??" Kelso said,
"Calm down, Eric. I just gotta hold it right near my eye so I can see the bumps better." Kelso again took Eric's dick in his hand and stared at it. Eric was mortified to find that Kelso's hand was making his dick a little bit hard. But Kelso didn't seem to notice. He slowly and thoughtfully rubbed his fingertip over the bumps, in a very science-guy way. After a half minute or so, Kelso let it go and said, "OK, I have taken a MENTAL PICTURE of this, so I will remember exactly what the bumps look like. A Mental Picture--do you know what I mean?" Kelso was stoked that he had used such a cool scientific phrase that Eric probably didn't even know! Eric nodded and gave his best faux-respectful smile. As he got up to get dressed, Kelso said, "Tell you what, let me put my brain to work on this one, and I'll have a plan for you by tomorrow."
Eric smirked and said, "Well, if you see smoke coming out of your ears, that means you're thinking too hard." Eric realized right away that he shouldn't have made a joke when his friend was trying to help. "Sorry, man. I really appreciate this. You're a great friend." They hugged awkwardly. It was especially awkward because Eric was still exposed and a little bit hard. Then, as Kelso was leaving, Eric reminded him, "Remember: Don't tell anybody about this! It's really important!" Kelso flashed him a reassuring smile and headed out the door.
Part 2 -- Kelso Spills the Beans about the Bumps
As he walked home, Kelso wracked his brain for ideas on how to figure out what Eric's bumps were and where they came from. He thought as hard as he could think, until he got a headache, and still he had no ideas. Once he reached the house, he sped into the bathroom to take a whiz. As he grabbed his dick and started pissing, he had a brainstorm: he would talk to the smartest guy he knew, other than Eric: their friend Hyde! Hyde was a very intellectual sort of guy. He would definitely know what to do. Eric smiled a giant smile, happy with his great idea.
"Now, how am I going to talk to Hyde about this in private?" Kelso asked himself. This was tougher than it sounded because Hyde was living with the Forman family, and Kelso had promised that he wouldn't tell anybody--it would be risky to tell Hyde at the Formans' house. So, he called and asked to speak with Hyde. Kitty cackled for no apparent reason and yelled for Hyde to come to the phone. Kelso told Hyde to come over right away and Don't Tell Eric. Hyde had nothing better to do, so he agreed to head over to Kelso's place.
Kelso took Hyde up to his bedroom and said, "Now, I'm going to tell you something, and you have to promise not to tell, because I promised I wouldn't tell anyone but now I'm telling you."
"Kelso, if you promised not to tell, why are you telling me?" Hyde rolled his eyes.
"Because it's IMPORTANT, Hyde! And besides, you won't tell, right?"
"OK, your secret's safe with me, man. What's up?"
Kelso filled him in. Hyde started laughing hysterically. "Little red bumps?" Hyde rolled around on the bed, holding his stomach.
"It's NOT FUNNY, Hyde!" Kelso fumed. "This is serious business! Now, what are we going to do?"
Hyde calmed down and said, "Well, I have an idea. You know that Eric's mom used to be a nurse? We could ask her about the bumps."
"No way, Hyde. We can't tell Kitty. Eric would be really really mad. REALLY mad!"
"Yeah, well, here's my plan. I'll talk to Kitty and say I have a 'friend' who has this problem...."
Kelso looked confused and said, "Who's the friend?"
"It's Eric, you dumbass. But I won't tell her who it is. I'll just tell her what the bumps look like. No, wait, since you're the one who has seen it, you can describe it better, so you should be the one to talk to Kitty."
"Well, I do have a MENTAL PICTURE of it." He smiled proudly, but then panicked. "Oh geez! I can't talk to Mrs. Forman about something like that! I'd be too embarrassed!"
Hyde looked Kelso in the eye and said soberly, "But this is the only way to help our friend."
Kelso understood. "OK, if you think it's best, I'll do it. Let's walk back over there. Thanks for your advice, Hyde. You're very wise. Oh, and you can't ever tell anyone about this."
"No problem, Kelso. Oh, and you owe me some weed for this." The two guys slapped hands and headed back to the Forman's house.
Part 3 -- Nurse Kitty Takes a Specimen
Back at the house, Kitty wanted to know why Kelso was back again so soon. Then she headed toward the stairs to yell to Eric that Kelso was here again. But Kelso grabbed her arm and said he had to talk with her privately. "Oooh, private! This must be serious!" Kitty giggled and danced around the kitchen. Hyde, who had little patience for Kitty's annoying laugh, headed toward the bathroom to take a piss.
After making sure the doors to the kitchen were all closed, Kelso sat Kitty down at the table and told the story about his 'friend.' Kitty gave a knowing smile and said, "Are you sure that your 'friend' wasn't cheating on Jackie?"
Flabbergasted, Kelso yelled, "No! Jackie and I aren't together anymore. And...And this isn't about me anyway, it's about my friend."
Kitty patted his head and said, "Sure it is, honey."
Kelso described the bumps in great detail. Kitty, who had developed a tiny little crush on Kelso, even though he was only a teenager and she was in her forties, was really enjoying this intimate talk. She asked him to draw his "mental picture" for her on a paper napkin with Magic Markers (luckily she had red, pink, and peach ones), and he did. She stared at the picture, then stared at Kelso, then at the picture again, then at Kelso. Then, in her most official nurse-sounding voice, she said "Well, Michael, if I'm going to diagnose this condition, I'm going to need to inspect the affected area." It always embarrassed Kelso when Kitty called him by his real first name, which was probably why she always used it.
Kelso stood up and said, "No! That's not possible! You see....you see...my friend lives out of state, in fact he lives in...China! He lives in China! So you can't inspect his...umm...you can't inspect him!"
"Well, Michael, there are plenty of doctors and nurses in China. So why is your friend calling you all the way from China when he could get checked out over there?"
Kelso couldn't think of anything to say. He was really nervous and didn't know what to do. Finally he blurted out, "OK, it's not really a guy in China."
"I know, honey. So, why don't you stand up and show me these little bumperoos?"
Kelso blushed violently, leaped up, and said, "No! It's not me! It's Eric!"
Kitty was very surprised, and more than a little disappointed. "Eric? But how would Eric get an STD? Oh, wait, I guess that's obvious. That slut next door, Donna." Kitty tittered over her own witty remark while Kelso stared, thoroughly befuddled. "Well, let's go upstairs and take a look at Eric's little problem. Or maybe I shouldn't say 'little'-- don't want to offend the little man!" Snigger snigger.
Kelso tried his best to stop Kitty, but she scampered up the stairs and bolted into Eric's room, finding her son totally naked on his bed with both hands around his penis. Mortified, Eric covered himself as best he could and screamed at them to get out, but Kitty said, "No, no, honey, it's OK. Michael told me about your problem and I'm here to take care of it."
Eric jumped off the bed and grabbed Kelso's neck, which unfortunately left his quickly softening penis exposed again. "How could you tell her? I thought you were my friend. You are such an idiot!" Kelso, being bigger and stronger, didn't have much trouble getting out of his naked friend's stranglehold.
Kitty said, "Now, Eric, Michael was only trying to help. Now you lie down on the bed so I can take a look-see." When Eric hesitated, again covering his private parts with his hands, Kitty went into lecture mode and said, "I'm your mother, and I'm telling you to get over here NOW, young man!" Embarrassed beyond belief, Eric finally gave in. Kitty bent over the bed and looked at his dick for a long time, then said, "Hmm, looks a little like birthday cake sprinkles all over your little dickie!" and doubled over laughing. Kitty loved her own jokes, more than anyone else in the world.
Then she grabbed his penis to get a closer look. Eric had never been so embarrassed in his life! "Mom, get your hands off of me!" he wailed, but she didn't budge. He tried to get up, but Kelso was holding him down on the bed. Kelso told him,
"Eric, this is for your own good. So lie still for your mommy."
Kitty let go and went over to Eric's desk. Finding a letter opener, she took it over to the bed and gently scraped the bumps. "Don't worry, honey, I'll take this down to the lab at the hospital and find out what this is."
As she left the room, Eric started to yell at Kelso again, but then he realized that his dumb friend had only the best of intentions. "Kelso, you're a big dork sometimes, but thank you for your help."
"Anytime, buddy," Kelso said, then leaped onto the bed and started wrestling with Eric. Though he was stronger than Eric, Kelso cut him some slack since he felt sorry for him. After wrestling for a while, they sat back against the headboard to catch their breath.
Kelso looked down the bed and was surprised to see that Eric's dick was getting stiff again. He stifled a giggle and said, "Eric, um, your periscope is up." Eric was too worn out to be embarrassed. This made Kelso feel sorry for Eric again, and he realized that not having sex with Donna was really hard on Eric. That gave him an idea....
"Hey Eric, do you ever, you know, jerk off? Oh wait, obviously you do--even your mom could tell me that!" Both of them laughed. "Well, Eric, if it would make you feel any better about your problems with Donna, I'd be willing to give you a hand, just this one time."
"What do you mean, Kelso?" Eric eyed him warily.
"Well, I'm not a girl, and I don't have a pussy or anything...." Eric had to smile at that keen observation. "But, maybe I could help you take care of business, if you know what I mean."
Eric thought that sounded a little weird, but he really needed to get off, and he trusted his doofy friend, so he said, "Go for it, man."
Kelso got up and closed the door again, then jumped onto the end of the bed, grabbed Eric's ankles, and pulled his legs apart really wide. Eric had really long, thin legs that Kelso though were kind of spidery, but he didn't say anything about it. He took a foot in each hand and gently massaged Eric's toes. After a while, he moved to Eric's ankles, then slowly made his way toward the crotch. Eric moaned softly as Kelso rubbed his inner thighs. Kelso looked at his friend and said, "Well, this is kind of odd, but, anyway, here goes," and then gently took Eric's hard dick in his right hand and Eric's balls in his left hand.
Eric gasped, half in surprise and half in pleasure, as his friend massaged his dick and balls. What a trip! His best friend in the whole world was helping him get off. "What a great friend," he thought. Eric expected Kelso to be pretty clumsy about the whole thing, but Kelso was doing a great job. Then Eric realized that of course, Kelso probably had plenty of practice--on himself. It didn't take long for Eric to feel his orgasm coming. "Watch out, Kelso," he warned, but it was too late: his giant spurts of cum landed all over Kelso's hot new flare-collared blue and orange shirt.
"Oh shit!" Kelso cried. "I can't go home with my shirt like this!"
"Don't worry, man, you can borrow one of my shirts," Eric offered. Kelso stood up and took off his shirt. Eric admired his friend's chest and said, "Hey Kelso, you know, that was really great, and I feel like I should return the favor. So get out of those pants and get on over here."
Kelso would never pass up a chance to get off, so he jumped out of his remaining clothes and right on top of Eric. They wrestled around for a bit, then Eric said it was time to get down to business. Kelso leaned up against the headboard and closed his eyes while Eric went to work. Eric wasn't quite sure what to do, so he just copied what Kelso had done, starting at the feet and moving up.
Eric thought that Kelso's legs were really great--very strong and firm. He wished he had legs like that. Making his way up to Kelso's hardening dick, Eric felt really jealous of his friend's beautiful body. He grabbed his friend's cock and fisted it vigorously, making Kelso moan. He figured Kelso was probably thinking about Jackie. "Gosh," Eric thought, "Kelso's cock is really big! It's the biggest I've ever seen. Of course, the only other hard dick I've seen is my own, oh and that one time when I walked in on Fez and his psycho blond girlfriend, but he's foreign so that doesn't count." Just then, Kelso's dick erupted. Eric didn't have to worry about his shirt, since he was naked too.
"Man, that was awesome. Thanks a lot!" Kelso said, pulling Eric up for a hug. Kelso even gave his friend a little kiss on the cheek, though they both felt weird about that. Then Kelso got dressed in a hurry and ducked out of there without another word. Eric headed for a long hot shower.
Part 4 - Hyde, Fez, and Some Weed
Meanwhile, Hyde had gone down to the Forman's basement. Since Red was at work and Kitty was on a vacuuming spree upstairs, Hyde figured this would be a great chance to try out his new weed. Just as he was lighting up, in walked Fez, the foreign exchange student. Fez was a little naïve but always up for a good time. Hyde didn't really want to share his stash, but since Fez was there, he had to offer some. "Thanks, Hyde," Fez said in his amusing accent. "You are a very generous and kind person even though you engage in illegal activities."
Hyde and Fez lit up and relaxed on the sofa. After a while, Hyde started acting really strange. He started telling Fez that they should be hippies and go dancing around in the field with topless women wearing love beads. Fez frowned and said, "Hyde, you know the Sixties are over. That sort of activity is no longer available to you."
"Aw, what do you know, you're from Asia or wherever. C'mon, let's dance with the free-spirited bra-less free-love hotties!" At this point Hyde stood up and took off his shirt. Fez looked alarmed and said worriedly,
"Oh, Hyde, I don't know about this. What are you doing? Mrs. Forman might come down here any minute!" But Hyde continued the striptease until he was totally naked, then started dancing gaily around the basement and warbling some song about wearing flowers in your hair.
Fez was still worried about Kitty coming in, but he didn't stop Hyde because he was really enjoying watching his pot-head friend cavorting in the nude. For a guy who spent most of his time eating Chee-tos, Hyde had a nice physique. Fez thought that Hyde's ass was especially good-looking. Hyde's dick flopped around noisily, and Fez thought it was a very manly penis, as far as that goes. He felt a little weird about having these thoughts, but he knew that Hyde would never notice his interest--he was too high.
All of the sudden, Hyde tripped over the coffee table and slammed head-first into the washing machine. Fez ran over, crouched down, and asked if he was OK. Hyde said, "Man, help me up, I think I hurt my leg." Sure enough, he was bleeding from a spot below his knee where he had collided with the corner of the coffee table. Fez helped him over to the sofa. Using a wet tissue, Fez wiped up the blood on Hyde's knee. Holding the tissue on the cut, Fez waited until the bleeding stopped. The cut wasn't too bad, but Fez didn't mind waiting since this position gave him an excellent close-up view of his naked friend.
By this point, Hyde was pretty wiped out and had fallen asleep. Fez knew he had to cover his friend up before anyone came in, so he grabbed Hyde's underwear (which smelled pretty rank, he noticed) and pulled them up Hyde's legs. He had to lift up Hyde's middle to get the shorts over his ass, and when that was through, he noticed that the shorts were stuck below Hyde's balls. It didn't exactly break Fez's heart to have to grab Hyde's dick and balls and shove them into the shorts. In fact, Fez kept his hands in there, and after a little while, Hyde started to get hard, though he still appeared to be asleep. "An interesting development," Fez said to himself, touching his chin thoughtfully.
Suddenly, Fez had an idea. He brought Hyde's shorts back down below the balls, then he unzipped his own pants and took out his own penis, then he eased himself down onto the sofa alongside Hyde so he could do a direct comparison. Hyde's dick was longer than his own, but also not as wide. And Fez was proud to notice that his own balls were bigger and hairier than Hyde's. With one hand on each cock, Fez stroked and stroked until they were both fully hard. Hyde kept breathing like he was asleep, so Fez kept going, fisting harder and harder until finally, Hyde shot. To make cleanup easier, Fez aimed Hyde's dick over to the side so it would land on his own chest. In just another few seconds, Fez himself shot a giant wad.
Fez cleaned himself up, got dressed, and carefully dressed his friend. Amazingly, Hyde continued to stay asleep throughout the entire process. Just as he was zipping up Hyde's pants, Kitty came bounding down the stairs and started whining about the smell. Thinking fast, Fez said, "Oh, Mrs. Forman, that smell is from Hyde. He ate some bad fish and is now paying the price." He nodded wisely at Kitty, who seemed skeptical but then headed back upstairs after opening all the windows. Relieved, Fez left his sleeping friend and ducked out the basement door.
Part 5 -- Bumpies, Bumpies, Everywhere!
The next morning, Kelso woke up with his usual hard-on. Before heading for the shower, he decided to take care of his big woody, so he reached down and started stroking. "Man, my dick feels really big," he thought to himself, aloud. He looked down to admire it, but his expression turned from proud to shocked when he noticed little red bumps on the head of his dick! "OH GEEZ! OHHH GEEEZ!" Kelso flew out of bed and ran around the room, bumpy dick flopping all around, then ran to the shower and did his best to wash the bumps away, but they weren't going anywhere. He ran to the phone and told Eric the awful news.
Meanwhile, Fez and Hyde were both discovering bumps too. Hyde figured out right away that he must have gotten it from Kelso when they slapped hands. Fez was mystified; he finally decided that that skanky Hyde had given him VD. Fez ran over to the Forman house and stormed into the bathroom to confront Hyde. Coming out of the shower, Hyde scrambled to find a towel and cover up, given that there was a crazy foreigner invading his bathroom, plus he didn't want anyone to see his diseased equipment. Fez jumped right in front of Hyde and screeched, waving his arms wildly,
"You are a bad person! You are a bad, dirty person, Hyde!" Hyde told Fez that he should #1, get out of the bathroom immediately, and #2, tell him what the hell he was squealing about. Fez wouldn't budge and started slapping Hyde's face left and right, but then it dawned on him that Hyde had been asleep and didn't know about their encounter! He was suddenly terribly embarrassed, turned around, shouted guiltily "I am momentarily not having sanity now!" and ran back into the hall. But Hyde, the wise old pothead, figured out what was going on and called Fez back into the bathroom, saying,
"Fez, does the thing that's bothering you involve little red bumps?" Fez did a double- take, then figured out that Hyde must have been awake after all! What a sneaky American!
"Yes, Hyde, you now know my secret tragedy," Fez wailed, grabbing Hyde for a hug- and-cry moment. Hyde rolled his eyes, then pushed Fez gently away and admitted,
"Man, I've got the same problem, and I must have passed it on to you. And I'm thinking that Kelso and Eric have the same thing." They slouched on the butterfly-patterned bathroom counter and pondered their common problem. After a while, they decided to go upstairs to Eric's room, where they found Eric and Kelso moping on the bed. Hyde explained that he thought he and Fez might have caught Eric's bumps by way of Kelso. He had to repeat himself four times before Kelso grasped the chain of events. Eric looked despondent as he said,
"Well, guys, I feel awful that I spread this thing to all of you. What are we gonna do?"
Kelso said, "Well, dork, isn't it obvious?" He smiled condescendingly. But after the other guys waited for a while to hear his obvious solution, he realized he had no idea at all, so he said, "Hyde, you tell them. It's So Obvious!"
Hyde rapped Kelso on the ear and said, "Man, you're full of shit. What the fuck are we gonna do?" But suddenly Eric had an idea.
"My mom will be getting the results back from the lab today. Maybe she can suggest something." He explained how Kitty had scraped his dickhead. Not his favorite story to tell, by any means. Eric told the guys to stay put on his bed, and he headed downstairs. After a few minutes, he came back up and said, "OK, my mom has the results. It's some kind of infection that has a really long name. The good news is, she has some ointment that will cure it. The bad news is, she says she has to personally apply the ointment with a special medical tool. And she says we need to do it right away, or else it could spread to our balls and they might start oozing green goo."
Fez and Kelso, looking alarmed, protested loudly. "Eric, I'm NOT letting your mother touch my dick," Kelso announced.
Fez said, "Mrs. Forman is a very nice lady but I do not want her to tickle my special area." But Hyde, the voice of reason, said,
"Guys, she's a nurse, she's a professional. Let's just get this overwith." Kelso and Fez kept arguing with him and Eric, but eventually, Kelso said, "Well, I guess I can let her put on the ointment, but I don't want her to see me naked! I don't want her to know what my dick looks like!"
Eric said, "Kelso, you're the dumbest guy in Wisconsin! She HAS to see your dick if she's gonna put the stuff on it."
"No way, man!" Kelso said, crossing his arms defiantly. Fez stood next to him in the same studly pose.
"Guys," Hyde said, "Just calm down. Here's what we can do. You know that hole in the wall between Eric's room and Laurie's room that we used when we were little to spy on her?"
Kelso said, "Used to? We just did that last week!"
Hyde said, "So, here's the plan. Kitty goes in Laurie's room with her cream and her tool, and we stick our cocks through the hole, and she does her business, and she'll never know which dick belongs to which guy. Problem solved."
Fez looked down and said, "I think she will be able to guess mine." But Kelso and Eric thought this was a great idea. Eric headed down to tell Kitty the plan, but doubled back and said, "Um, guys, um, this is a little embarrassing, but I'm not sure that my dick will go all the way through the wall." Kelso and Fez laughed really hard, and Eric turned red, but Hyde had an answer:
"Well, we'll just have to get hard first. That way it will definitely go all the way through. .... Right, Forman?" Eric shot him a nasty shut-up look, then said OK and went to get Kitty.
Part 6 -- Nurse Kitty and the Hole
Kelso thought their plan was super. He said, "OK, let's get ready." He started undressing, and Hyde followed suit. They had made it all the way to their shorts when they noticed that Fez was still fully dressed. "Fez, what's the problem?" Kelso asked.
"Well, guys, I must admit, I am embarrassed by this situation. I have never seen an American man with an erection. Or any man for than matter. And no one has seen mine, and I am truly embarrassed." He whimpered as he sat on the far end of the bed.
Hyde went over to him, grabbed his shoulder in a friendly way, looked him right in the eye, and said, "Fez, you are a big dumb foreign liar. You've seen my dick hard. Not just seen it, you played with it! And I saw yours too, man. I peeked while you were giving us the double rub. So be a man and get out of those dopey disco clothes." Fez reluctantly undressed. Eric came back in and said Kitty was ready in the other room. They could tell, because they could hear her chattering to herself. She seemed to think she was very amusing. Eric stripped, and soon all four guys were naked. Fez and Eric were trying to cover up their parts, but Kelso and Hyde just let it all hang out.
"OK guys," Hyde asked, "Any volunteers to go first?"
"We can't," said Eric. "Nobody's hard yet. Except maybe Fez--it's hard to tell with him." Fez blushed and growled. "We'll have to jack off." The four guys stood in a square, trying not to stare at each other's bodies, but after a while they couldn't help it. Before long, they all were in full bloom. Eric said, "OK, now we're ready. Kelso, you go first."
"No way, Eric," Kelso yelled. "She's your mother, you go first." But Eric wouldn't budge. Fez huddled behind Kelso. He didn't really mind the view from behind.
Wise old Hyde had a solution yet again. "We're going to go in order from shortest to longest. Everybody up, let's measure. Fez, you know the metric system, you do the measuring." Eric tossed Fez a ruler from his desk.
Fez asked, "You really want metric measurements?" The guys looked at him like he was a total dork. "Alright, Kelso," he said, then grabbed the base of Kelso's big dick and flattened the ruler. Fez bent over to get a better view of the ruler. He was really tempted to slip the head right into his mouth, but then he saw Kelso's bumps and remembered what he was doing. He released Kelso and announced, "Eight and three-fourths inches." Kelso grinned proudly. Next Fez measured Hyde's brawny dick, which had tasted so good the night before. "Seven inches exactly." Then came Eric, who was clearly embarrassed but wanted to get this overwith. "Um, Eric, you will need to hold it steady." Eric tried his best, and Fez announced, "Four and one-half inches." Eric turned beet red, though he knew Fez was not lying, having measured himself many times before.
"Alright, Fez," Hyde said, grabbing the ruler, "Your turn." Fez said that he would gladly default as shortest and go first, but Kelso and Eric grabbed Fez by the shoulders so Hyde could get access. "Hmmm, I'm having trouble finding it," Hyde said, making Eric chuckle, while Kelso stared, enraptured, at Eric's poster of Farrah Fawcett.
"OK, here it is. Let's see.....Four and an eighth. You're a squirty little guy, too." It was true, Fez was dripping a little from all the attention. He wiped up and headed over to the hole in the wall.
"Mom, are you ready?" Eric yelled.
"Yes, dear," Kitty said. "Bring on the bumpies!" She cackled madly. Fez removed the covering on the hole and carefully stuck himself through. Kitty said, "Oh, what a nice little dickie!" and tickled the tip, causing Fez to try to back away, but he stayed put when he felt two big dicks sticking into his ass cheeks. Kitty put the ointment on all the bumpies, then said, "OK, all done, young man." Fez pulled out and stepped aside for Eric. "Oh, I recognize this one!" Kitty said happily.
"Oh God, Mom," Eric complained. "Just get going, please." She did her business on Eric.
"Who's next?" she wanted to know. Hyde stepped up and stuck his dick in the hole. "Ooh, a nice big one!" Hyde smiled and winked back at the guys. Then it was Kelso's turn, and his giant weewee caused Kitty to scream, "Oh glory, let me get my Polaroid!" But Eric yelled at her to just finish it up, so she did. The guys heard her giggling and snorting as she packed up her stuff. The boys didn't know it, but Kitty had told a little fib about needing to use the special tool to apply the ointment. The guys could have done it themselves, really. The tool was just Kitty's excuse to get some hot teen-cock action.
As she was leaving, Kitty yelled through the hole, "Boys, you have to leave those dickies alone for thirty minutes. No undies, or else the ointment will rub off."
Part 7 -- The Flashy Ending
"Oh god, we have to stay naked in here for half an hour??" Eric tried to act upset. In reality, he was pretty excited about hanging out in the nude with his sexy friends, especially Kelso.
"Well, I don't know about you guys," Hyde said, "but I'm gonna take a nap." He flopped onto Eric's bed. The other guys, liking this idea, climbed over Hyde to lie down. Hyde was on the left side of the bed, facing the back of Fez, who faced the back of Eric, who faced the back of Kelso.
The guys were quiet for a while. They all still had raging hard-ons. In fact, Hyde's was poking into Fez's butt, which Fez didn't mind at all. Hyde reached up and turned the dimmer switch to low. Eric took advantage of the darker room by scooting closer to Kelso and gently stroking his friend's gorgeous ass with his fingertips. Kelso was snoring, of course. But he woke up when Eric's hand moved across to touch Kelso's monster dick. Eric stroked his friend while snuggling up close to that hot ass. Before long, Kelso decided to turn around for some intense kissing with his best buddy. Fez saw this and flipped over too, and Hyde didn't think twice about opening up to let that sexy foreigner tongue explore his mouth.
The two naked couples made out for quite a while, tongues flying around, hands everywhere, and Fez and Eric kept bumping backs and butts. Before long, Hyde decided to reach over Fez and grab a hard dick from the other side of the bed. He couldn't tell whose dick it was, but then he found the other one too, and he held them both tight, rubbing them together. Kelso decided to reach over Eric to explore Fez and Hyde's nipples. Fez had one hand between Hyde's legs, poking around his friend's ass, massaging that awesome spot between the balls and asshole, and Hyde was in ecstasy. In fact, all four boys looked and felt like they had gone to heaven.
Fez asked Hyde if he wanted a blow job. But the wise pothead pointed out that they wouldn't want to get the dick ointment in their mouths, so he suggested hand jobs instead. The four guys moved up to the headboard and leaned against it, facing the foot of the bed, sitting tightly together. Eric and Kelso exchanged goofy love gazes as they each reached for the other's hard cock. Fez and Hyde did the same. Before long, the four hand jobs were moving fast, and the guys were getting close. The two couples kissed passionately while they jacked each other off. Eric pulled away and said, "Let's all come at once!" The other guys loved that idea. "And when we shoot," he added, "let's all shout 'Hello Wisconsin'!" When they were all ready all ready, then he counted down, "5...4...3...2...1..."
Just at the moment the four cocks spurted hot cum everywhere and they all yelled "Hello, Wisconsin!", a blinding flash of light startled the guys. They looked to the foot of the bed to find Kitty holding her Polaroid high in the air and cackling away like Satan's evil twin. Before the guys could react, she got a couple more candid shots of their dripping dicks and hot naked bodies, then skipped out the door.
"Geez, Eric, your mom is a pervert!" yelled Hyde.
"Yes, that woman has prurient interests!" agreed Fez.
"Fez, Mrs. Forman is not a banker! Besides, she was just taking a MENTAL PICTURE," Kelso aptly pointed out.
"You're the one who's mental," said Hyde.
Eric sat quietly, head in his hands, heaving out deep moans of embarrassment. But Hyde said, "Hey man, it's no big deal, I don't think she's gonna send those pictures to the newspaper. I bet she just wants to use them for her personal pleasure." This made Eric groan even more. "And maybe she might give one to Donna," he added, "and another to Jackie." Kelso and Eric jumped up angrily, then grabbed each other and sobbed in each other's arms.
"Cheer up," said Fez. "This was a very fascinating day for all of us! I never imagined I would enjoy American homosexual intercourse."
Kelso looked up quizzically, not familiar with all of those long words. Then he smiled and said, "Well, we did get our diarrhea cured, and we had really hot sex! I didn't ever think I would be into this stuff, but it was fantastic!" Hyde and Eric said they felt the same way.
"OK, guys," said Eric, "Let's hit the shower and get cleaned up."
"But Eric," wondered Fez, "how will we all fit in your exceedingly tiny showering space?"
Kelso grabbed Fez by his still-hard dick and said, "Come on, Fez, we'll show you how American guys squeeze into the shower!" He dragged Fez by the dick into the bathroom, where the four naked guys got each other cleaned up--and then, under the hot water, enjoyed round #2 of hand jobs. Midway through, Eric squeezed down onto the floor and took Hyde's big cock in his mouth. After sucking on it for a while, he switched to Fez, whose smaller dick was a much easier fit in Eric's mouth. Finally, Eric deep-throated his best friend, the coolest guy he knew, the man he really loved a lot, that big dumbass, Kelso. When Kelso's load squirted down Eric's throat, and Eric's cheeks were covered with cum from both sides, he knew that these studs were even sexier than the Big Red Beaver.
The End