I know, I know, I'm sorry it took me so long, and I have no excuses -- only facts -- I'm lazy! So I'm to blame... but take it out on DLS or Matt Hunter for the fun of it.
I gotta say THANK YOU to MH, cause if it weren't for him, you wouldn't be reading this story in a legible format. I owe him a lot, and I can never express all my gratitude towards him
NOW, Y'ALL GO OUT AND BUY THE NEW 98 DEGREES ALBUM: REVELATION. DUE OUT TODAY (SEPTEMBER 26)! IT'S AN AMAZING STEP IN THEIR CAREER, AND JUST GO OUT THERE AND SUPPORT MY MEN!
You know the rules... don't read if you ain't allowed, this is fake, my fantasies... yeah, there. Enjoy and write me: bigdaddycool_0813@hotmail.com
THIS GIFT -- Last Time******
I sat down on the sofa, as Drew left to get something. He went to the mini bar, and pulled out a glass of orange juice. "Um... I thought you could use this... and... I kinda have something to give you."
He passed me the OJ, and pulled an envelope out of the back pocket of his khakis. The front of the envelope had `Drew' written across it in Drew's writing. With confusion written across my face, I opened it. The envelope contained a letter written in Drew's handwriting. It was clear that he was crying when he wrote this -- there were blotches scattered about the page. "It's from Maria." Drew explained.
Tears welled up in my eyes, as I read the beginning,
THIS GIFT -- Chapter 6******
Dear Carino,
Where do I start? Well, I guess the best place of all would be the beginning. Right from the start, I've loved you. You were just so sweet and determined in helping those kids; a quality that I admired and hoped to possess some day. I now know that'll never be.
Since that first time you asked me out, I've hoped for the day that we'd spend the rest of our lives together, you know: marriage. Sweetie, that's not going to happen. As I lay here in this bed, I know that I don't have much longer. In a sense we've spent the rest of our lives together -- mine's come to an end.
The entire time I've been with you, I've seen you struggle with your internal battles. It's like every intimate moment we've had was shared between three people, instead of two. Drew's always been a part of you; he's been in your head, on your mind, and in your heart the whole time. I accepted it. That's why, as I'm living these last moments, I'm telling you: it's not your fault. It's easy to see how Drew can hold your heart. He's such a sweet man, almost as sweet as you. Almost.
What happened tonight was not your fault; it was mine. It was my stupidity that had me run to my car and speed off, when I know that we could just work things out by talking. Fear of losing you was just overwhelming and too much to handle. I'm sorry.
As I was laying on the road after I was pulled from the car, I began to see what you saw in Drew. He's full of heart, and well worth yours. I just want you to know that I'm fine with it. (I know how you are, you're gonna feel guilty no matter what I say)
Stop blaming yourself over this, and move on with your life. I'll be watching you, and loving you from above. I remember once, a while ago, you called me your angel. Now it's true. I'll be your angel carino, never forget me. I'll always be in your heart. Don't be afraid to welcome Drew in completely, he's just what you need.
Love always and forever, Maria
Just as I was finishing the letter, Drew sat down beside me, placing an arm around my shoulders. I shuddered; it just seemed wrong. It all was wrong. The letter was in Drew's writing, it was pushing me in Drew's direction, and now here he was putting his arm around me. Maria had just passed away last night; it was too soon.
I turned my head to look him in the eyes. He had a slight smile on his face, "You alright?"
My eyes filled with confusion and hate. "How could you? Why would you? I can't believe you!" I ran out of the room, and headed to Drew's room to get my clothes and dress. Just as I finished pulling on my shirt, there was a knock on the door. "Who is it?" I called out coldly.
"It's me, Nick."
"It's open."
Without another word, Nick opened the door and walked in. Worry was on his face, but I couldn't tell if it was for Drew or for me. He walked up, and pulled me to the bed to sit down. "D, come on. We need to talk. What exactly is going through your head?"
"Nick, I don't want to talk about it.
"I don't care what you want. We are going to talk about it, right here and right now. You might as well just sit your ass down, cause you're not going anywhere!" The force in Nick's voice was startling. I've never seen him this forceful before.
"Nick, please... just let me go. I can't be here. It's wrong." I pleaded for him to just leave me be, but he wouldn't hear of it.
"D, I know you've just lost something valuable; I'd be a fool if I didn't see that. But you can't just push Drew out of your life. He's tried to be there for you every step of the way. Each time you push him away, but he stands his ground. You've gotta follow your heart, D, and let him in."
Tears were again streaming down my cheeks. I never knew I was such a baby, crying at every single little thing. "Nick, don't you get it? The letter, look at it..." I shoved the letter in his face, allowing him to read it. He read it over with the quickness.
"So... what's wrong with it?"
"Drew wrote it. It's his writing. Pushing me in his direction. Don't you see, it's wrong. It's all wrong!"
Judging by the look of understanding on Nick's face, he had pieced it all together. A sympathetic look crossed his face, "You think Drew wrote this to finally get to be with you? Is that it?" He was kinda shocked.
"The thought's not far out of my mind."
Just then, Nick stood up, heading for the door. "D, I thought you knew Drew well enough to know he would never hurt you. You stay here, I'm gonna get Drew, and we're gonna work this bullshit out."
"Bullshit?"
"Yeah, bullshit. That's what this is. You know he deeply cares about you. He wouldn't pull shit like writing a letter from your dead girlfriend to force you with him. Who would even think of doing that?" The way he referred to Maria brought me to the edge of insanity.
"Don't you EVER call her that again! YOU HEAR ME?!? Her name is Maria. MARIA! Got it?!" I couldn't sit there anymore. I knew Nick meant well and all, but he made me lose it. I couldn't contain my anger anymore as I pushed passed him and into the hall. He tried calling my name, but I wouldn't turn around. I wouldn't answer; it'd have defeat the whole purpose of storming off.
I pushed the button, and waited for the elevator. It was taking forever, and from the corner of my eye I could see Nick walking towards me. I changed my mind, deciding I could use the exercise and took the stairs. I ran down flights of stairs, and walked out a side entrance of the hotel, avoiding the lobby and, hopefully, Nick.
As my luck would have it, it was raining, and I was definitely not wearing clothes for the weather. I had on a plain white T-shirt, and khakis -- I forgot my button-down shirt in Drew's room when I stormed out. The rain fell hard, and I was soaked in less than a minute. It was cold, and my clothes clung to me as I made my journey home. I couldn't take a cab; I needed time to think.
After three and a half hours of walking through the pouring rain, I finally saw my house. Oh, what a sight for sore eyes. I meant that literally too. My eyes were so sore from crying that I just wanted to get in my house, lie down and go to sleep.
I walked up my stairs, unlocked the door and walked in. As soon as I had the door closed, I began to peel off my drenched clothes. Just as I got down to my briefs, I realised exactly how cold I was. Standing in the hall to my house, I was shivering. I barely ever shivered in my life, unless I was really cold. I was used to the cold; I lived in Canada after all.
I made my way upstairs, and started the water for a shower. Making sure the temperature was a little hotter than normal so I could thaw my body, I stepped in. The water felt amazing -- just what I needed.
Before I relaxed myself a bit too much, I quickly shampooed my hair, rinsed it and cleaned the rest of my body. Stepping out, I towelled myself dry and walked into my room to get me some boxers. I wasn't normally a boxer guy, but, at times when I didn't really care much, I'd wear them.
I lay down in my bed trying to go to sleep, but couldn't. It didn't feel right without Maria. Nothing felt right without her. I got up, and headed to the guestroom -- Nick's room. Everything felt better while I was in that room; it had such a protective atmosphere.
It wasn't long before my eyelids gave into gravity, pulling them over my eyes. All throughout my nap, I tossed and turned. Images of Maria floated through my head. Images of before, when we were smiling, laughing, and enjoying each other's happiness. Those images relaxed me.
Then, it all turned around. The soothing feel of those memories became terrifying. Maria called out to me, full of pain. She was in her overturned car, screaming for help. Screaming for me. I tried and tried to help her, but I couldn't. I was useless, or at least that's how I felt. I just couldn't do anything, I didn't know what to do.
Her voice changed, from the voice I always knew, to a hateful one. "You did this. You killed me!"
"NO!" I screamed, jumping out of bed. I looked around, taking in the surroundings. `It was only a dream, only a dream. Get a grip on yourself!'
I decided that was enough sleep for now. It seemed to make me more tense when I was hoping it'd relax me, making it pointless. Deciding that I could use a glass of orange juice, I made my way to the kitchen.
Passing the answering machine, I noticed I had a couple of messages. I figured I'd check them, right after I called work. I had to let them know that I needed some time off because of some of the events that had occurred.
I grabbed the cordless off the table, and dialled the number. After a couple of rings, someone picked up the phone. "Good evening, Cara Operations, Traycee speaking, how may I help you?"
"Evening? Damn, Traycee, what time is it?" I asked confused, thinking `How long have I been sleeping?'
"Andrew! Hey, how's it going? It's like... um... 9:30, I think."
"Not good Traycee, is Amanda there?"
"Oh, I'm sorry. Yeah, hold on."
She put me on hold, and I had to listen to a continuous beep until Amanda picked up the line.
"Hello?"
"Hi, Amanda, it's me."
"Oh, and to what do I owe the pleasure?"
"Amanda, I'm gonna need some time off. Some things have happened... I just need time off."
"Things like what? You're not getting off that easily. What's happened?" The protectiveness in her voice clearly expressed.
"You remember Maria?"
"Yeah, your girlfriend, right?"
"Um, yeah." Tears started to come again, and my voice quivered. "She passed away last night."
"Oh, I'm so sorry; take as long as you need. Call me back with the memorial service info, and I'll let everyone know. You go grab something to eat -- you can probably use it."
I smiled. I usually always had to remind her to eat, and now it was the other way around.
"Thanks Amanda, and I'll drop by with the information. And I'll go and eat now. Thanks."
With that, she hung up, leaving me to the dial tone. I sat down in a chair, listening to the dial tone, in a trance. Tears again fell down my cheeks. I missed her already. It hadn't been a day, and I missed her. God, what was I gonna do?
After finally hanging up, with a sigh, I decided to check the messages. I pressed the play button on the machine, and waited as the tape rewound.
"BEEP. Hey sweetie, I just wanted to let you know I'm not coming home right away, there's something I have to do. And if you're listening to this message then you're obviously in the wrong place... get out of there, go see Drew. I'm not supposed to say anything, but he has a surprise for you. Shh, don't say anything. I gotta go, see you tonight, love you. BEEP."
My eyes were like Niagara Falls at that point. It was Maria. This message was from the night of the party. She was happy that night. Before everything else, she was happy. A smile came to my face as I recalled some of the good times that caused the same happiness. I loved her... I really did, and knew at that moment I always would.
"BEEP. Baby, I'm sorry... I never meant to walk in on you two kissing. I know you love him, and he loves you. I saw it. I saw the love flowing between you two. Follow your heart, let it lead you to happiness. You're my baby, I'll love you forever. AHHHH! I will always be with you. BEEP."
Fear crept into every part of my being as I heard one of the final moments of Maria's life. In her last conscious moments, she was still concentrated on my happiness. What other characteristics are there to prove an angel's existence? I was afraid. Her scream echoed through my ears. How could I have deserved such a perfect women? She needed better. She was better.
Now I understood why I couldn't get a hold of Maria while she was speeding down the road. She took that time to call home, and leave a message on the machine. Damn, why did she have to leave that message, I could've stopped things... I could've stopped them a long time ago.
"FUCK!" I screamed in frustration. Too many things were coming together.
"BEEP. Andrew... Hi. It's me, Noura... Maria's mother. I can't tell you how sorry I am to hear you lost Maria. I lost her too. Please, call me as soon as you can. I need to talk to you. I have things for you, and information. Call soon. BEEP."
Maria's mom had a thick Spanish accent, but spoke English well for a second language speaker. I had to call her. Wait, better yet, I'd go and see her. I needed to feel her arms around me, and more still, I needed to apologise to her for being the cause of her losing her daughter. Maria was an only child - - Noura had lost the child she raised. Her baby.
I went to the bathroom, rinsed in a shower, and then did my routine. After all that was done, I gathered all my courage and walked out the front door. "Fuck!" I exclaimed with frustration, my van wasn't there. I had left it at the hotel. Damn, why'd everything have to go against me? It was like a message for me to go back to the hotel. I couldn't just not pick up my van - I needed it.
Maria's parents didn't live that far from my house: three blocks up and one block over. I decided I could use the time to think, so instead of walking to the hotel, and picking up my van, I walked to their house. About half an hour later, there I was -- outside their door. I stood at the end of their driveway, not able to walk any further. It hurt so much that I was trembling.
I sat down on the curb, trying to gather myself. It was when I placed my face in my hands that I heard their door open and Maria's mom walking through the grass toward me. I turned, standing to greet her. Pulled into a hug immediately, all my strength left my body. I felt so limp in her arms, vulnerable. She could've done whatever she wanted, and I wouldn't have been able to stop her.
"I'm so sorry Noura. It's all my fault." I sobbed onto her shoulder.
"Shh, don't say that. And how many times do I have to tell you? Call me madre." She was rubbing my back with one hand, while the other was running through the hair on the back of my head.
"I'm serious. It is all my fault."
"How can you blame yourself for falling in love? These things happen on their own. A connection happens between two people, and they hit it off. It's not your fault Maria stormed off stupidly."
I was confused... I thought she was talking about Maria for a second there, but... no, she can't be talking about Drew. Can she? "How do you know?"
"I got a letter from this man today. He had your name, said he was a friend. He told me you couldn't deliver the letter because you weren't strong enough yet. It was from Maria. It wasn't her writing, but I know that it was from Maria."
"Sh... sh.. she wrote you?" I stammered.
"Yeah, just like she did you. Maria told me a while ago about you and that man. She told me how hard it was to let him in her life as well, but she loved you so much that she had to -- she wanted to. Now she has."
"I love her too. I always will." I declared my love for Maria to her mother for the first time ever, and God it felt good!
"I know carino, I know."
Tears came to my eyes as Maria's nickname for me came out of her mouth. I didn't understand how her mom was so calm about this. I was a wreck. I knew deep down she was hurting more than she let on, because she wasn't even showing hurt at all. `The funeral is gonna be a killer on her, that's when you realise they're gone.' I thought to myself as I hugged her tighter.
"Now, come inside, so we can talk about important stuff. OK?"
I did as told and followed her inside. We discussed everything from funeral arrangements to times of the past. It felt good to remember them, especially with someone who held Maria as high as I did. I may not remember that conversation for as long as I live, but I will remember one thing Noura said to me: "You will always be my son, and Maria will always be my daughter; we're family."
It was really touching. I had never felt so close to her than at that moment. Just as I was leaving, Noura handed me a box that Maria had wanted me to have. I graciously took it, kissed her cheek, and walked out the door. Grabbing my cell phone from my pocket, I began to dial Drew. With a deep exhalation, I pressed the last number as I heard it begin to ring.
Three rings later, Drew picked up. "Hello?"
"Hi."
"Andrew! Where are you? Are you alright?"
I smiled at his worry. "Yeah, I'm fine. I'm at Maria's mom's house. Can you come pick me up, if you're not too busy that is?"
"Naa, we got some time off now because of... well, you know. So, yeah, give me ten minutes."
"Sure. I'll be waiting."
I hung up the phone, and sat down on the curb again. Remembering I promised Amanda that I'd call her with the memorial service details, I quickly dialled my work number. Not long after, "Good afternoon, Cara Operations, Amanda speaking, how may I help you?"
"Hi Amanda."
"Oh, hey you! How're you holding up?"
"I'm doing good, for now at least. I'm just calling to give you the info you were asking for."
"Oh, hold on, let me get a pen and paper." There was a momentary pause of silence. "K."
"OK. The wake is at McEvoy Shields funeral home. It's tomorrow from 6:00 to 9:00, and the following day from 11:00-2:00. From the morning wake we go to St. Mary Immaculate -- the service is at 2:45. She's gonna be buried in Pinecrest, so from the church we head there."
"Got it. You know, in all my years of working here, we've never closed. Never. This is gonna be the first time. We'll all be there for you. We love you; we need to be there for you. What else are friends for?"
The sincerity in her actions was enough to get the tears welling up again. "Thanks Amanda. I gotta go now. I'll see you then, alright?"
After calling Amanda, I had to call mama and let her know what had happened, so I called her up too. "Mama..."
"Hey!" She cut me off. "It's been a while, how're you?"
"Mama, I ain't good. Remember Maria?"
"Yeah, she's your girl... don't tell me she broke up with you. Did she?"
"No mom, it's not like that. She's... she's gone."
"Gone where? School... see family... where?" My mom never really got the subtle hints people gave her.
"Mama, she's dead. She died last night. She was in a car accident... because of me, and now she's gone."
"Oh! That's horrible! Don't blame yourself, she wouldn't want that... you come home as soon as you can, k?"
"Mama, I'm gonna wait until after the ceremony and stuff is over with for that. I just need time... I got other stuff to deal with first, then I have something to tell you."
"Whatever is good for you."
I explained to her the info for the services and she promised me that my family would be there. I was on the verge of tears again, so I quickly ended the conversation with promises to see her soon.
After hanging up the phone, Drew stopped right in front of me in my van. I got up and walked over, opening the back door and placing the box on the back seat and hopping in the front. Drew's worry was clearly expressed on his face. Seeing how much I mattered to him made my heart melt. I smiled, "I'm fine, don't worry. A little emotional, but I'm fine."
He nodded, and drove off. "So, where to?"
"The hotel, I have some unfinished business."
We drove in silence for a couple of minutes before Drew cut through it. "You know the letter..."
I cut him off. "Please, Drew, not now. We'll talk about it after." I looked over at him, his face looked like that of a little schoolboy who was just scolded. I had to laugh at that.
"What's so funny?"
"I'm not mad, I just don't want to have to repeat it. We're all gonna talk about it. Stop worrying."
Drew exhaled -- sometimes he was just too cute. We rode the rest of the way in silence. Drew pulled into a parking space, and I exited the van, grabbing my box from the back seat and following Drew into the lobby.
We walked to the elevator, and Drew pushed the call button. As we waited, Drew became curious. "What's in the box?"
"To be honest, I dunno yet. It's from Maria."
"Oh," was all he could reply.
The elevator reached the lobby and the doors opened. We walked in and Drew pushed the button for the floor they were staying on. "So, do the guys know you came to get me?" I asked.
"Jeff does, the others don't. So, what's the unfinished business you were talking about?"
"Always the curious one, aren't you? Just wait, you'll see."
The elevator stopped on our floor and I stepped out onto the red carpet with Drew in tow. "Which room are they in?"
"Um, probably Nick's." Drew answered pointing to the door.
I walked up to the door, placed my box on the floor and knocked on the door. "Yeah?" someone from the other side of the door shouted.
"Room service." I said in a deep voice.
"We didn't order anything yet. You've gotta have the wrong room." Was the reply I got.
"It says right here, room 418, nope. I have the right room." I insisted. Finally Jeff came to open the door, his eyes lighting up at the sight of my face.
"D!" he exclaimed with relief. "Thank God! I was so worried `bout you."
"Thanks." I managed to say while he squished me in a tight hug. I walked into the room, and all eyes fell on me. This time though, it was more than 98°, there was an extra five guys sitting around, the guys of *N SYNC.
"Hey guys," I said, trying to act like I knew they'd be there, "how y'all doing?"
They were all "good". As the out of sync responses came from the guys scattered around the room, Lance rose and approached me. "We heard about what happened, and we're sorry for you man," apparently Lance was the speaker of the group today, as the other four silently agreed. Lance pulled me into a tight embrace, and as his hands ran up and down my back, his calming bass voiced, "If you need anything, all you gotta do is ask; we are here for you." Then, gradually quieting, he continued, "Well, we'll be physically here for a few more days, anyways -- only so many days you can take off for one cancelled show. But if you need anything, don't be afraid to ask. I am here for you."
I wasn't sure what that was all about, but I couldn't let my hormones get the better of me. His deep bass voice made me so hot, I could've melted an entire glacier with one touch. Damn he was sexy, but Drew was there, and I loved him... no use throwing away love for what would most likely be a fling.
"Thanks... thank you all." I said, addressing the rest of them.
I looked up at Nick, "Now for my unfinished business..." I began. I walked over to Nick, and pulled his chin up with my index finger, locking eyes with him. "Nick, I'm sorry. It's not easy for me to admit when I'm wrong... but what I did to you was unfair. I was upset already, and the way you referred to Maria just set me off. Maria is not `my dead girlfriend', she's Maria. Always has been, always will be. I'm sorry for going off on you when I know you were just trying to help. What can I say, I'm an asshole."
He looked in my eyes a while longer -- nothing displayed on his face, making me uneasy. Finally a smile crept up, and he grabbed me in a hug, ruffling my hair. "You're forgiven asshole. Just don't let it happen again!" A wave of relief crashed down upon me with his forgiveness. I don't think I could've dealt with Nick being mad at me.
"So... what's with the box?" Justin Timberlake pensively asked.
"I dunno. Maria's mom gave it to me. She said Maria wanted me to have it if anything happened to her."
I grabbed the box and, sitting down, placed it in my lap. There was writing on the top - Maria's writing -- which read simply: Maria's Box. I ran my fingers over the writing, imitating every letter she wrote with my fingers. Drew came and sat beside me hesitantly, but I pulled him closer. I needed him there with me this time, we were going to pull through together.
With a deep sigh, I opened the box. Flipping up the flaps, revealed a bunch of odds and ends. Letters, movie stubs, dried flowers, pictures, chocolate bar wrappers, and many other things. What caught my attention though, was a letter written on yellow paper with `READ THIS FIRST' written in big red letters at the top of the page.
I picked up the paper, and decided to share it with the room. Everyone was already looking at me anyways, curious as to the contents of the box. I began reading aloud:
Dearest Andrew,
If you're looking at this box, then something's obviously happened to me and I'm no longer with you. I love you, just to start off. Over the months of our being friends, and the two months of going out, I've kept several things -- memorabilia of some good times, and even some bad. I've cherished this box for the past year. It helped me through many hard times, and I hope it can do the same for you. Attached to every item in this box is an explanation of why it belongs in such a special box... the box of our love. So, take the time, read through it, and remember the times we shared together. I love you, Maria.
I started to grab things out of the box, beginning with a teddy bear. Like Maria had said, there was an explanation attached to it. "This bear was won for me by my crush at a fair." I read it aloud. A smile came to my face.
"I remember this bear; I had won it for Maria one of our very first times together. There was this local fair, and I tried for hours to win something for her. Maria just stood beside me, encouraging me on. You know, the only reason I probably got this bear was cause just before I went to throw the dart at the balloon, Maria pulled me to her and kissed my lips. `For good luck' she said... I started to fall for her that day."
Everyone was quiet, content in listening to my memories. "So, all it took was a quick kiss, and you managed to win the bear?" JC asked.
I laughed and nodded. "Yup, pretty much."
I placed the bear on the coffee table in front of me and grabbed the next thing -- a chocolate bar wrapper. Written on the white side of the label was another explanation. Again, I read it aloud: "This is the wrapper of the first chocolate bar I shared with Andrew."
"Dang, she kept the wrapper?" Jeff said with amazement. "She must've really loved you."
"Guess so." Was all I could say.
The next thing I pulled from the box made my face blush a bit. It was one of Maria's bras. It was a nice fancy black one, kinda erotic. I had bought it for Maria's birthday. "This is the first bra any guy has ever bought me, and who bought it? You guessed it, Andrew, my carino... and for my birthday too!" There was no date, probably cause she could remember her own birthday. I just sighed as a round of whistles came from the room.
"You bought her that?" Drew asked.
"Yup," I explained, leaning back into him. "Why? Jealous?"
"No, I'm just afraid of what you'd get me... I ain't into thongs!" Drew joked. I just leaned over and kissed him on the cheek, causing a slight blush. I forgot that there were others in the room, but they didn't seem to mind. Well, all but Lance that is. After he had seen that, he excused himself to the bathroom.
I turned to Drew, whispering in his ear, "What's with Lance?" Drew just shrugged his shoulders. He didn't know, and I don't think he wanted to. It was enough millions of screaming girls thought they hated each other, they didn't need for it to become a reality.
"Lemme go check up on him, k?" He nodded.
"Guys, I'm just gonna check up on Lance." I announced to everyone.
"Sure," Justin said, "But don't feel sorry for him, he's like that all the time, walking off and he won't even talk to any of us."
"Thanks," I replied hoping that I'd be able to get through to him.
After excusing myself, I quickly went to the bathroom. Placing my ear against the door, I heard a quiet sobbing coming from the other side. `Oh great. I don't know if I can handle tears right now; I don't want mine to start up again.'
Figuring I should do what he would do for me, I lightly knocked on the door. "Lance... Lance, it's me, D. Let me in." Seconds passed and still nothing. Again, I knocked, "C'mon Lance, just open up."
Finally, after some time, Lance unlocked the door and opened it up, allowing me access to the bathroom. I walked in, closing and locking the door behind me -- I was just like Amanda; I didn't like interruptions when I was having a heart to heart. Lance sat on the toilet, head down, looking at his feet.
"Lance, what's wrong?" I asked sincerely.
"Nothing." It was obvious something was wrong, he wouldn't act like this normally. I may not have known him that long, but I'm not stupid. Nobody just locks themselves up in a bathroom to cry without a reason.
"Lance, look at me." He still wouldn't. I had to press his face up by pushing my index finger under his chin. "Look at me. I know something's wrong." I looked at his face. His eyes were red and puffy, and he had tear streaks down his cheeks.
"Look, I said nothing's wrong, Just leave it be!" He wasn't gonna get rid of me that easily.
"Alright Lance, if you wanna be that way, nobody's leaving this room until we get talking." It usually worked on my little cousins when I was trying to get them to admit to things. Hopefully it'd have the same effect on Lance.
I pulled my cell phone out of my pocket, dialling Drew's number. A couple of rings later he answered. "Hello?"
"Drew, it's me. Something's up with Lance, and we're gonna be talkin' `bout it in the bathroom. I just wanted to tell ya in case you started to worry. I don't think we'll be out anytime soon."
"Oh, alright, I'll tell the other guys too." He was always so understanding, that's what I love about him. Well I love a lot more, but that is one of the things.
Just as I was about to say "I love you" he had already hung up, I guess he wasn't expecting anything else to be said. So I called him back. "Hello?"
"I almost forgot something... I love you." I said it low enough for Drew to hear, but not Lance -- I had walked to a corner in the bathroom so Lance couldn't hear my conversation.
"I... I... I love you too." Drew said, a little shocked I had said it to him. There was a lengthy pause before I decided to end the call.
"I'll see ya later sweetie."
"Y... yeah," he stammered. I guess he was still in shock.
I turned around to find Lance in the same spot -- he hadn't even moved. I was expecting him to make a mad dash for the door. He didn't; he was still there. This bathroom was pretty big, after all it was a big hotel room, so they must've needed a big bathroom.
I grabbed a towel from the rack, and placed it on the floor, using it as a pillow as I lay down on the floor. I just lay there, not saying a word, waiting for Lance to cave. A half an hour passed, and neither one of us said a word. I was comfortable where I was, so there was no way I was gonna give in and say "Forget it." No way, nuh-uh.
Finally, with a sigh, Lance broke. `Yes! It works!' I exclaimed to myself about my strategy. Lance grabbed a towel off the rack, like I had done, and laid down beside me.
"You really wanna know?" he asked, uncertain of how to begin.
"Lance, if I didn't, do you think I would've laid here on the floor for the last half an hour?"
"Good point. Well... I guess... I guess..." he was stammering.
I turned to look at him, "Lance, it's OK, take your time."
He exhaled deeply, his chest rising and falling as the air was pushed out of his lungs. "D, I'm gay." Another exhalation; damn this boy was nervous! But I knew exactly how he felt; it's not easy to admit to other people, even if you're sure they'll take it well.
"Well, Lance, I'm flattered you trust me enough to tell me. Does anyone else know?"
"Well, Justin knows... I had to tell him. He came up to me one night, asking me about it, cause he noticed something."
"What'd he notice?" I asked, curious.
"Don't worry about that. It'll come out, give me time..."
I lay there, on the floor, completely entranced by his voice, content in listening to his story. It had been a long, long time since I had listened to a friend's problems. "Well, I knew I was gay since I was about 15, I was with my friend..."
"... and well, I've never actually had someone in my life." It had taken a whole three hours to listen to every detail of the last six years of Lance's life. It all came down to one inevitable question:
"Is there someone you'd like in your life?" I asked.
"There is someone I have my eyes on... but he's taken. That's where Justin comes in."
"You want Justin?" I asked, jumping to a conclusion.
"No... but Justin noticed it. We were at a party not that long ago. A friend of ours was hosting it. It was some kind of birthday party or something. Then the guest of honour, you know, the birthday boy, showed up. He was amazing, just everything about him! How his eyes twinkled, his smile lit up the room, his sexy body; oh they did things to me that I wouldn't admit to if I was asked. He's gorgeous... at least to me.
"My friend brought this guy up to me and the guys to introduce us. He went down the line, introducing first Justin, then Chris, then Joey, then JC, and finally me. I remember it so clearly, as if it were this morning. He came up to me, and looked me in the eyes... oh his eyes, the most beautiful hazel I've ever seen. There's this little strip that's completely brown in his right eye... and when we shook hands, I felt a surge of electricity run through me. I didn't wanna let go." Lance was looking down at his fiddling hands, slightly flushed talking about the object of his affection.
I lay there listening to Lance's story. I had no clue who this guy was, at least up until he described the guy's eyes. I had hazel eyes. I had a little strip of brown in my right eye. I had met Lance at a party, a kinda birthday party, not that long ago. The guy... the guy was me! My eyes became wide with realisation.
I turned over to look at Lance, ready to ask him if I was the guy. As soon as I had my head turned, Lance planted his lips on mine, and was ferociously kissing me. I guess I got my answer. Damn! He was a good kisser, extremely talented with his tongue. But this wasn't right... I couldn't do it. I pulled away. "Lance... I can't."
"Why can't you?" he asked, hurt clear in his emerald eyes.
"Because, like you said, I'm taken. I'm flattered. Oh God! I'm flattered. You have no idea how long I've had a crush on you... I just can't."
"Why can't I find anyone?" Tears started falling from his eyes again. I wiped them away, and then kissed his forehead and embraced him.
"Don't worry Lance... you'll find someone. And I guarantee you, he'll be one amazing guy. And a hella fine-ass motha!"
Lance just laughed, and we lay there, Lance still crying and me reassuring him that everything would be fine. We fell asleep in that position, on the floor, in the middle of the bathroom.
I awoke sometime later, with no idea how long we had slept on the floor. I was tired and cold despite Lance holding on to me for dear life. This was a position I didn't want to explain to Drew.
Right as the thought came into my head, there was a slight knock on the door. I couldn't get up to answer the door; I was stuck in Lance's arms. Whoever was at the door tried to open the handle, and found the door locked. Not long afterwards, the door was open. Drew was standing in the door frame, a bent hanger in his hand.
"Hey," I managed to say groggily but still quietly, cause Lance was sleeping inches away from my ear. "How'd you open the door?"
"I used a hanger," he explained. He disappeared for quick instant, coming back with a blanket. "Thought you'd be cold."
"Yeah, I am... thanks." He tucked the blanket around both Lance and I, kissing me on the cheek.
"You stay with him tonight, he needs you." Drew was always so sweet. After a quick kiss, I had to explain to him what had happened between Lance and I.
"Drew... Lance and I... well... we... um, we... uh..." I stammered.
"You two kissed?"
"Um... yeah." I admitted.
"I know. I was um... listening. I'm just glad you were gonna tell me." Drew looked so adorable thinking I was going to get mad at him for eavesdropping.
"I needed to."
"Sure, well... goodnight." He gave me another kiss and left us there, on the bathroom floor. I sighed quietly as Lance squeezed me a little tighter, nestling his face in the crook of my neck.
`Thank God Drew is so understanding.' I thought to myself. I knew Drew had to be a little jealous, but still, he understood the need Lance was in.
The next time I awoke, I smelled the odour of bacon and eggs. "Breakfast." I turned my head, and found Lance smiling at me.
"Smells good; let's go get us some." I nodded my head as we began to get up for the day. "Thanks for staying with me last night... I needed it."
"No problem."
We made our way to the main room, where everyone else was eating breakfast. They were all sitting around a table, with two empty plates and chairs set for Lance and me. We made our way over, and began to fill out our plates. I stole a kiss from Drew while sitting down, after saying "Good morning" all around.
They all wished me a good morning, a couple of them raising eyebrows at me. Lance noticed it too, but didn't mention anything. We ate in silence for about five minutes, the others still eyeing Lance and I. Finally, both of us got frustrated enough. "What?" we asked in unison.
The ones looking at us, looked down, trying to play it off like nothing happened.
"Guys, seriously, what?" Lance asked again.
"I couldn't help but notice as I walked by the bathroom this morning, two guys, pretty snug up against each other on the floor. I couldn't even take a piss with you both there." JC explained.
"Oh," was all Lance could say.
"Look, Lance needed someone, and I was there. I was glad to be there." I took over so Lance wouldn't be in the spotlight.
"Guys I have to tell you something..." So much for Lance not being in the spotlight. Everyone turned their attention to Lance, not knowing what he was going to say, save Justin, Drew and I. The tension in the room became thick at that moment.
"Well... Lance, what is it buddy?" Chris asked, anxious to find out. Lance's breathing quickened -- I don't think anyone else noticed -- and a thin layer of sweat began to form on his forehead as he became more and more nervous.
I grabbed Lance's hand under the table. He squeezed it slightly, making sure I understood he appreciated the gesture. "Guys... this isn't easy for me to say, and I just want you to know this doesn't change who I am, I'm still the same old Lance... guys... I'm gay." Lance let out a breath that even I didn't realise he was holding.
As Lance waited for a reaction from the guys, he squeezed my hand tighter. It hurt some, but I wasn't about to let go and make him feel alone. Finally, Chris broke the silence. "Y'know Lance, I kinda guessed you were. I never really thought about it until the rumours, but lately I've been thinking it was truer than ever. I'm glad you had the courage to tell us. I'm glad for you." Chris got up and came around the table, enveloping Lance in a great big hug.
"Well, you already know how I feel." Justin explained getting up and hugging him as well. Just as Justin was backing out of the hug, Joey grabbed Lance picking him up off the floor in an embrace. "I'm happy for ya man... just don't start hitting on me." Joey always seemed to joke about everything serious. I only knew him for a couple of days, but it was something I came to notice.
Lance then looked at JC, hoping to see the same kind of reaction. JC couldn't even look Lance in the eye, "Don't look at me." With that, he was gone, out of the main room and into his. One look at Lance confirmed what I thought was bound to happen, he was in tears. Justin, Chris and Joey all tried to comfort Lance, but it was no use.
Lance turned to me, ensnaring me in a hug as if his life once again depended on it. I looked at Drew, noticing the sympathetic look on his face. I couldn't tell if it was for me, or Lance, or both of us, but it was sympathetic nonetheless. I hugged Lance, rubbing my hands up and down his back, trying to soothe his sadness. Slowly but surely, his sobbing slowed down.
"Lance, it'll be OK." I tried to reassure him.
"No, D, there's something I didn't tell you." Lance was sobbing quietly in my ear. "The reason why I'm so upset is because... cause..."
"Cause you like JC?" I offered.
Lance just nodded into my shoulder, and went back to weakly crying. I continued to rub his back, as Chris and Joey went to see what was wrong with JC.
Justin and the guys of 98° went about their morning routines. Soon enough I'd have to go to Maria's wake, and thankfully my mind was consumed with other Things, or I'd be worried about that. For now I was busy being strong for Lance, so I didn't think about needing someone to lean on. But I knew, as soon as I walked into the funeral home, I would need Drew by my side.
As much as I wanted to stay with Lance until he returned completely to normal, time was counting down and I needed to get ready. I needed to shower, brush my teeth, and dress. I always hated dressing up, but the occasion called for it. "Lance, I'm really sorry, but I have to get ready for Maria now. You think you'll be alright for a bit?"
Lance understood how important it was for me to follow through with this whole wake thing, so he, reluctantly at first, freed me to go about getting ready.
It didn't take me long to get dressed. I had a good reason to be motivated, so I didn't take my sweet time. After I was ready to leave and I met up with Drew, we left for the funeral home. The rest of the guys were to meet up with us after -- they wanted me to have some alone time with the two most important people in my life: Maria and Drew.
Arriving at the funeral parlour was one of the hardest moments of my life. Thankfully, Drew drove while I gave directions. As we pulled into the parking lot, tears came to my eyes. This was it; Maria was gone. Drew parked the van, turned off the ignition, and pulled me into his arms. "You okay?" He whispered in my ear.
I nodded against his shoulder, "It's just hard, you know," I spoke into his shoulder. He just comforted me by rubbing one hand up and down my back, the other running through my hair.
I composed myself somewhat and we exited the van heading for the entrance to the parlour, Drew's hand in mine the whole way. I was concerned about the whole being-in-public/PDS thing, but Drew didn't seem worried at all.
As we walked into Maria's room, I noticed there were people scattered around the different corners of the room, conversing and comforting each other. At the head of the room was Maria, surrounded by what seemed like millions of flowers. It was by far the most beautiful flower arrangement I had seen at a wake.
Noura, Maria's mom noticed my entrance and walked up to me, embracing me in a hug as well. Turning to Drew, she enveloped him into a hug as well. "This must be the man," she half-asked, half-stated returning her gaze to me.
With a proud smile, I kissed Drew's cheek. "Yup, this is him." She just smiled while Drew blushed. "I think I'm going to go and talk to Maria." I explained to her. She just nodded, and pointed us to Maria.
Slowly, and uncertainly, I walked up to the casket with Drew by my side. Peering into the casket, a look of amazement came over my face. Maria was so beautiful. I had only seen her like this once before -- on our first date. Her hair had been let down, her make-up done magnificently , and her face... was the face of innocence.
Clutching Drew's hand with my left, I raised my other hand to Maria's face, running my fingers down her cheek. Her skin was so cold it startled me, making me pull my hand away momentarily. "Maria, I'm sorry this happened. God I'm sorry. I got your letter. I just want you to know that I will follow my heart. Drew's with me till the end... if he wants to be that is." I said the last part turning to see Drew smiling back at me.
"And I promise you that I'll take good care of him Maria." Drew told her, placing a delicate kiss on her forehead. I couldn't help it, tears came to my eyes. "And now I'll leave you two alone." With that, Drew left me alone with Maria, and met up with the guys, who had just walked through the doors.
"Maria, I don't know what to say... You look so beautiful, like on our first real date. I was so nervous. I mean, I know we were talking to each other like every night, but I was still so nervous. It was our first official thing... I'm here with Drew; you already know that I guess. The other guys came too, and *N SYNC too. Um, I kissed Lance... well, more like Lance kissed me, but I can't say I didn't stop him... at first. He's been going through a lot of issues, and kissing me was just something he had to do. I'm just glad that Drew forgave me.
"I had the best talk with your mom the other day, going over times we shared with you. One thing I'll always remember that she said was: `You will always be my son, and Maria will always be my daughter; we're family.' It was really deep, and something I can't even begin to explain my emotions about. I got your... our box. I was going through it a bit when I was with the guys. I can't believe you kept some of that stuff. It amazes me.
"Drew's kinda worried `bout what I'm gonna get him for his birthday now, cause he saw your bra. I'm thinking of getting him some kind of weird thong, or something, as a gag joke. Um, sweetie... I'm getting looks now, I think others wanna come to talk to you, pay their respects, but I got dibs on you tomorrow morning... I'll be here to talk then. I'm still going to be here, just with the guys, talking with your mom, things like that. I love you." I finished up my little recap with a kiss on her forehead.
I walked up to Drew and the rest of `em. Man did they ever look uncomfortable. I was glad they came and all, but I knew they really didn't want to be there.
The rest of the night went by without incident. We talked with others about Maria, the guys gave away some autographs to Maria's cousins and other family members. I was dead tired by the time they were closing the room and we were leaving. The other guys wanted to go out, but all I wanted to do was go home and sleep. Drew didn't want to go out, he wanted to stay with me to provide comfort. I didn't want him to miss out on some much needed fun because of me, so I assured him I'd be fine and pleaded with him to go and enjoy himself. He reluctantly agreed.
I switched cars, deciding to give `em the van so it'd be a more comfortable ride. Don't ask me how they all fit in that jeep Lance had to get to the parlour, but it wasn't gonna work goin' out clubbing or wherever they were going. Lance wasn't the least bit worried that I was going to be driving his jeep, I figured it was because he liked me. In fact, it'd give him an excuse to come and see me the next day.
I drove home in Lance's jeep, listening to the radio. When I had turned it on, Lance had it tuned to a country station -- a big no-no with me -- so I had fiddled around with it to get it to my taste. Tuning in to Kool, I came upon `Show Me The Meaning' and immediately thought of Lance. I had someone. I had Drew. Lance was going through a hard time... and he was alone. My heart went out to him.
I pulled into my driveway and walked my way up to the door, Lance still on my mind. `I gotta find someone for him... but who?' I was busily racking my brain for possible matches with Lance, not even realising that I was in fact tired and falling asleep on my couch. These last days had taken quite a bit out of me, wearing me out completely. I didn't even want to fathom what tomorrow would bring.
It seemed like only minutes, but I soon awoke in the arms of a man carrying me to my bed. Still groggy, and more than half asleep, I kissed their neck, "Thanks sweetie."
I received no reply, just a hand stroking my back as they continued to carry my sleeping self to my bed. Finally reaching my bed, I was placed on top of the comforters as my pants and shirt were taken off me with care, leaving me in my boxers.
Shaking slightly from a chill, I subconsciously crawled under the covers. My man soon crawled in beside me, wrapping his arms around me -- the warmth formerly provided by clothes, returning. I sighed into his chest and quickly fell back asleep with a smile glued on my face.
It seemed like only minutes had passed when I heard someone scream, "What the FUCK is this?" I knew that voice... it was Drew's, and it wasn't coming from in bed with me...
TBC...
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