There Is No Love
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Email at: ryan93111@hotmail.com
Mike’s P.O.V.:
Why is love such a hard thing to understand, why does it have to make you do stupid, stupid things? Things that completely ruin any chance you have of being with the person you truly love. Kai, why did I have to be so stupid? My plan not only didn't work but it backfired, and now I lost the only person I really ever loved. Love, love is a bitch. The infamous 'plan' the one thing that fucked Kai's life and completely destroyed me, I can't believe I actually thought it would work. Love made me act stupid and not think of the consequences. I mean, what did I think he would do when he found out I was the one his boyfriend was cheating on him with? I mean yeah there were others, a lot of others, but I had to be the one to break through the wall of oblivious that surrounded Kai. My sweet, innocent Kai; his whole world was basically taken away from him, not gently but ripped down from around him, completely torn apart, and I was the machine ripping it away.
Its lunchtime; what a shitty way to spend lunch, sitting here thinking about how much I royally fucked Kai over. The cold, white table covered in stains changing it to a dirty grey, offered no relief from the chaos in my mind. What the fuck is wrong with me? I can't forgive myself, I don't blame him for hating me, the damage is done, and you can't just hit reset and everything will be all happy rainbows again. Reality sucks, love sucks; my life sucks without Kai. I got up slowly from my seat and headed over to the never ending lunch line.
"Yo, earth to Mike, what’s wrong, the girls not putting out?" Josh asked, walking up behind me in the lunch room
"Hah, I get more than Ellie will ever give you," I said, my face completely bare of any happy emotion. Kai is still attacking my brain, he’s like a drug and I am definitely addicted. Josh kept talking but I just can't get the image out of my head; the image when Kai found out Aaron was cheating on him, not only that, but with me! His heart just snapped; you could hear the heart strings snapping and his heart falling into emptiness. It completely broke my heart seeing him like that. I've hurt so many people in my life, but then I hurt Kai and now I can't live with myself. I can't live with the guilt, the pain of knowing I completely killed him, everything he was before is gone because of me. Fuck, I just want to break down; I don't care what happens to me, but if anything happened to him, I would just die. My mind turned back to reality when I felt a hard punch make contact with my upper arm "Dude..."
"What the fuck Josh? Seriously what is your problem today?" I growled at him, my blue eyes attacking his emerald ovals.
"Me, you’re the one with the fucking problem dude, jeez! I try and be nice and you fucking bark at me! You know what; you can be depressed by yourself." Josh walked away in a fit of anger. I couldn't deal with this shit right now, not when I see the pain my Kai is going through. That kid deserves heaven and earth. I just turned around and got my food. My anger evident with my body language and expression, everyone just moved out of the way until I walked past. Fuck, Fuck, FUCK! I hate myself for hurting my baby the way I did. It had been about ten minutes since I went back to my seat, my food sat cold and untouched by the time the rest of the guys started to arrive at our normal table. Being football kings we sit at a table next to the cheerleaders; it gives us easy access to them. Well not for me, I just sit and look around for Kai all during lunch. He never shows, but I still hold out hope that maybe one day he will come through the doors running up to me and say ‘I forgive you’, then kiss me, showing everyone the love he feels for me. Here’s to hoping.
"What’s up with you today Mike? You look like you’re going to kill someone." Logan said sitting down right next to me.
Logan was six-feet two inches, really solid. He may have an eight-pack from what I've seen in the locker room. He has a square jaw line and chiseled features, with a five o'clock shadow of sandy blonde hair to match that on his head. Overall he’s a total babe. His brown eyes were searching mine for an answer or to find some small amount of happiness I have left. I just glared at him, which in turn made him look down at my tray to avoid my icy stare down.
"You need to eat if you wanna stay healthy; keep up that body of yours," he said smiling back up at me with the compliment. What the fuck is he complimenting my body for anyway, he's not gay; he sleeps with a new girl every month, every month not every week, so he doesn't look like a total whore.
"Not hungry, plus my body is still healthy so I'm sure one meal won't kill it," I said snappily back at the sandy blonde kid sitting next to me.
"Well, I'll eat it for your body," he states as his fork lands on whatever the fuck it was, before I even got a chance to answer. Then Josh came and sat across from me joining the rest of the team. His smile clearly showing he was over what happened with me earlier.
Leaning forward with a big smile he said, "Tyler has a surprise for you today.”
What the fuck would Tyler have to give me? I don't even want him near me. He and Kai have always seemed to have this friendship that just is always surrounding everything near them, I mean me and Kai are, or were, best friends, but the two of them just always cushioned each other. It sort of put me on edge because no one can have my Kai other than me, and Tyler has always had his attention.
"What is it?" I asked uneasily, not sure where this was going.
"Won't be a surprise then, idiot," he said still with his big smile spread on his face, showing his completely, white smile. What could he ever have that I would want? NO! He can't have Kai, but anyway, I'm pretty sure he's straight. If he comes over and says he is dating Kai, I swear to God I will dive over the table and stab the fuck out of him with my fork. I'll take out those powerful, grey eyes then we will see who gets Kai, who gets his heart. It should be me.
Thinking of all this made my blood boil, my hands began to visibly shake on the table. I had to move them down into my lap to hide my anxiety and fear of the outcome of this surprise. Just as I was sitting there running through the same scenario over and over, Tyler approached the table with a massive grin, creating an aura of pure happiness around him. This didn't really look good; get ready to have your eyes stabbed out motherfucker.
"Hey, guess what? I have a surprise for you; guess who we're having lunch with today.... KAI!" his voice rose to an excited whimper and his face contorted into all sorts of happiness. WAIT! Did he just say we’re having lunch with Kai? How the hell did he convince him to do this? Unless they really are dating, how did they even talk? I frowned like crazy; my anger and hatred for Tyler just went completely on overload.
"Aren't you excited Mike? You look like you want to stab me in the eyes or something," he said with a small chuckle and a smile.
You’re not wrong there buddy, you’re about four seconds away from being blind.
"Wh... what made him change his mind?" I asked, clearing my throat to hide my anger. What the fuck is happening? How can Tyler get Kai to say yes, but Kai won't even talk to me? I suppose he didn't sleep with his boyfriend.
"I have my ways,” Tyler said winking at me. I hate him, where is my fork? "Let’s go!" he said over his shoulder walking off to find Kai. I just stood up and left Logan with my tray of food. I get to actually get close to Kai.
Kai’s P.O.V.:
Youth is easily deceived because it is quick to hope. I hoped I found the guy of my dreams; the one to spend the rest of my life with. For him to love me with his everything, like I did him. Now I'm stuck in a foreign world, where everything I knew is gone, non-existent. What the fuck am I doing? How the fuck did I get in this mess? Tyler is bringing everyone over to have lunch; everyone including Mike, the one person I don't want to see, and never want to see again, ever!
"Hey, there you are Mr. Serious," Rachel said taking the seat next to me, her smile following her as she sat.
"Yeah yeah, what?" I asked, trying to think what was happening and how I will handle this lunch. Everyone will be there so maybe I won't even have to talk to him, not even look at him, but his presence will be there, his energy. The same energy that was flowing through Aaron that day I found out, probably more than just that one day. God I am pathetic! My face completely becoming unstuck as I looked down at the hard, blue lunch tray
"Hey, you alright, you went all depressed on me there. Cheer up or you'll get wrinkles," Rachel said punching me playfully in the arm, shaking me back to reality.
"Yeah, sorry, just thinking about this... lunch." I replied, dismally staring down at the tray, fighting back the impending tears, struggling to unglue my heart.
"Can't be that bad; a bunch of hotties joining us, I would say we're doing alright, but then again I'm Australian so everything is weird over here," she said with a playful look in her golden, brown eyes.
"No it's just, well; I have history with these particular guys." I said with a pain-filled sigh at the end.
"Okay... well I can handle it if you need to have a break from them," she said beaming at me again with that Australian glow. This is definitely going to make Ellie more pissed at me; hanging out with someone as gorgeous as this. Shit, why is love so hard; love is a bitch. Rachel was sitting there playing with her food, not really eating it just moving it around on her tray. I can't blame her; I don't even know what the fuck it is, is it meat? I don't think meat is supposed to be orange, I don't know, I really don't care, not with the lunch I'm about to have. Jeez I hope the bell rings so I don't have to deal with this, please, please let the bell ring.
"There you are, thought you ran out on me." Tyler's masculine hand came down on my shoulder making me jump in fear of this lunch. They found me which means they ALL found me, including HIM. Tyler sat down next to me, then Josh sat across from us, then HE sat down across from Rachel, obviously leaving a space for Ellie. As soon as he sat down a cloud of crippling tension surrounded the table, sucking every trace of happiness from everyone sitting there.
"Hey, I'm Rachel, so Kai does have friends," she said with a small giggle. I scowled at her; jokes aren't funny, well not anymore since they sat at the fucking table.
"Hey, I'm Josh. Where are you from Britain or somewhere?" Josh asked smiling over at her, checking out her beauty as she sat diagonally across from him.
"I'm from Australia, we sound nothing like British people," she huffed, but still smiling her warm, Australian smile.
"I'm from America, so I don't really know other accents." Josh said smiling back at her.
If I didn’t know any better, I would think he was getting a thing for her. God, another thing to go wrong in my life, Josh dumping Ellie for my new friend. Wow that won't make my life harder will it?
"I'm Mike, what’s up?" his voice made me feel dirty; made me feel had, he had no emotion in his voice. But just the sound of it made all the pain come back to the surface. I was still looking down at my tray and I could feel all eyes on me waiting for something to happen and everything to go back to normal. Rachel continued talking while I just sat there. She was hitting it off well; if she keeps it up they will want to have lunch every day. God I couldn't handle that, not if Mike kept making his presence around me. How can he smile at her and be friendly when I am right next to her, doesn't he feel anything for what he did to me? He basically ruined my reality, ruined my perfect fairytale, ripping out the last chapters and rewriting them, making them into a horror film.
"Hey why are you sitting over here, baby?" Oh no; it’s Ellie; she’s just going to make this lunch even more difficult
"Hey, we're having lunch with Kai today. Here, sit down.” Josh moved his leg so she could sit next to him, well basically on him, SLUT.
"Eww, as if you would want to have lunch with this faggot," she spat out leaning over to rest on Josh.
I just looked down unwavering, the tears finally coming through, undoing the glue that kept them in. One single tear escaped and I quickly wiped it out of the way hoping no one was actually watching. The tension was increasing around the table with the arrival of Ellie.
"Yeah well, he's my faggot," Rachel said moving her hand to rest on my thigh, and her other hand coming up to play with my brown hair. She leaned over and pretended to bite my ear when she whispered, "Gotcha back". With a kiss to my cheek, she moved back not moving her hand from my, well basically my crotch. I looked up then and everyone’s faces registered shock. Tyler's mouth was on the table and his grey eyes were glazed over with confusion.
Josh just smiled a proud smile, like a, 'thata boy, go get her tiger' smile. Ellie just couldn't even comprehend what was happening; it went completely over her head. Mike, well he was completely crestfallen; like his whole world was destroyed. Good, he deserves to feel a fraction of what I feel with what he has put me through. His eyes seemed to be glazing over like he was about to completely fall apart, tears struggling to keep from spilling over. That will teach him a lesson not to fuck with other people’s boyfriend. I know it's harsh, but he deserves to feel pain in his perfect life, getting everything he wants. He needs to feel loss, needs to feel pain; finally he realized what he put me through. I don't think he is gay, but still pain is clearly reducing him to nothing. Good.
"And I think we need some special time alone" Rachel said seductively, grabbing for my hand and standing up, pulling me along with her. She turned and kept my hand held tight over her shoulder moving my arm around her. Holding me close she walked me out of the cafeteria without even looking back. Thank God for this girl. I don't care if she has feelings for me or not, I would kiss her just for getting me out of there. I was just about to lose it, lose it and fall apart. We kept walking until we were out on the field. She sat me down facing her and put her hand on my knee for support, showing she cared.
"Hey, you okay, looked like you needed an escape back there. Sorry if I made you uncomfortable, just thought I would help." She kept that smile, warming me with her eyes. I smiled back slightly; she is amazing.
"Yes thank so much! I really needed to get out of there; I was just about to lose it," I said, the tears finally coming out like someone turned on the faucet, wetting my face. The sun dried them like a caring mother and I lifted my shirt to wipe away the damp remnants.
"Nice four-pack! So wanna tell me what’s wrong or you just wanna sit and get a tan white boy?" she asked, smiling at me.
She had so much care in her eyes, more care than I had seen in awhile. This brought more tears to my already swollen eyes. I don't even really know her, and she has shown me more care than my supposed best friend. She actually cared how I felt.
"Uhhh... I think I need to tell someone, but promise you won't hate me or decide you don't want to be around me?"
She answered with a simple nod of her tan face, her brown hair falling down over her eyes making her look like a child being told to pinky swear.
"Okay, well... uhh where do I start....? Mike, you know the one back there? Well he used to be my best friend, and then he completely broke my heart." I went on explaining everything that had lead to today and the crushing tension that was around the cafeteria, how Mike and I were best buds for life, how I met and fell in love with Aaron, then to the heart wrenching moment when he always said he loved me, then he slept with Mike, Mike my best friend.
How many times it happened I will never know, but I found out through a video. Aaron made a video to remind him of his conquest. My heart instantly broke in two; more tears kept falling as I told my whole life story in half a lunch period. I included the whole thing with Ellie, and the depression which I am still going through. The depression was still eating away at my body, like a parasite destroying all my defenses, leaving me empty.
My shirt was completely soaked with tears after the story. My eyes were completely swollen and bloodshot from the force of my painful tears. My body went into hibernate mode; like it ran out of batteries, needing to be connected to its charger. I just sat looking at the green grass on the field.
Rachel reached out and hooked her finger under my chin lifting it up so I could look at her. She had tears, real tears for my tragic life; her brown eyes dull with my pain. She looked more gorgeous in that moment, I don’t know what happened next but I leaned in and kissed her, molding my mouth around hers, her soft lips tickling the nerves in mine. My hand came up to rest on her soft, warm cheek, kissed from the Australian sun. She didn't resist but kissed back, her hand running through my hair. I pulled back opening my eyes, looking into her warm, brown eyes. She smiled again, her brown locks blowing in front of her warm facing, giving her a photo finish. I can't believe I just kissed her; a girl! I smiled sheepishly and looked at the ground.
"Wow, I thought you were gay?" she asked, still smiling at me, her hand still playing with my hair.
Fuck what am I doing? I can't be in a relationship, not now, not with anyone, even Rachel. I looked down again with tears coming back to my face. It’s a miracle I had anymore tears left in me to cry. I fidgeted with my hands, trying to hide my nervousness at what I had just done. I have to explain, or at least try to explain why I just did that
"Um... look, I'm sorry, I ca... I can't be in a relationship, not after what I have been through. I’m an idiot." I explained, as tears continued to flow like a river after a flood.
"I know, I get it... but damn you’re a good kisser!" she commented with a giggle and a warm smile.
Thank God she understood! That could have been completely awkward! I'm happy she is how she is.
"Nice to know I have that affect on gay guys too, cutie," she said with a wink and a wicked smile.
I started laughing now; the whole weirdness of the moment has completely taken me by surprise. Rachel started laughing along with me. She realized the absurdity of the moment just like me. What the fuck is happening? I lay back on the grass and she lay down next to me resting her head on my chest.
Mike’s P.O.V.:
What the fuck was that? He’s straight now, with her? He's known her for what, five minutes and they’re already hooking up?
What is wrong with Kai; this isn't like him. I really fucked him over. My body started shaking, with anger and pain for what I had done to him and how I will never get him. Never. I stood up with a growl and stormed out of the cafeteria.
I needed to take a walk to clear my head, and keep my emotions in check. I'm still a star quarterback, after all. NO! FUCK THAT!
I want my Kai, my baby. I want to hold him and take away all his pain, kiss his soft skin. God I miss just being around him, being his friend. I mean it wasn't sexual, but I still miss it. And I miss his laugh, his infectious laugh, and the life that used to be in his eyes. I miss the warmth he used to give out, the slight hitch in his step when he was nervous or happy. Now some slut from Australia has all that, all that which should be mine and no one else’s.
The color from the world has instantly drained as soon as I saw them walk off together. How? How can he just leave everything behind? My heart is in shut down mode; it just can't take it; can't take the great amount of stress that has been put on it. This is all because of a fucking stupid mistake I made. God, I wish Aaron never existed, better yet; I wish I never existed, never entered the world so I couldn't fuck up and have my heart torn from my beating chest, taking my life with it.
I kept walking with tears in my eyes and my fists clenched tight. Fuck high school. Fuck my life. I walked to my car and punched the metal of the door, creating a dent in the in the passenger side door. I can't be here anymore; I need to leave.
"Hey, are you alright?"
I turned around to see Logan standing there with concern in his eyes. He walked over to me but didn’t get too close, taking in my condition.
"Yeah I'm fine Logan" I lied, with a growl of frustration at what is happening to me. I need Kai, now and forever, that’s not even long enough.
"You wanna talk?" he asked, taking a few steps closer so he was within arm’s reach.
"It's just Kai; I hurt him bad and now he is hurting me, but I deserve it," I explained, staring at his full eyes, my eyes softening again ready to release the tears.
Logan took more steps closer to me until he was inches from my face, and reached out and cupped my bulge. Softly playing with it, he leaned down to my ear and whispered, "I can take some of the pain away," as seductively as he could. I was so mad at Kai, and most importantly myself, that I needed the contact. He could take some stress away; he can be a substitute for Kai.
My anger getting the better of me, I put my arm around the small of his back and pulled him tight so we were crotch to crotch, his bulge saying he wanted this more than I did. I softly grinded into him and growled with lust, trying to forget what was happening to me.
"Get in..."
Authors note: thanks for reading again hope you are still enjoying this if so write me so I know to continue and keep the story going just for my readers ;)
Email me at:
ryan93111@hotmail.com
Peace out :P