Of course we had talked about it. We'd talked about a lot of things over the course of ten years. Once when I was drunk I'd messaged Nathan asking when we were "gonna do the chill chill." I guess he was asleep at the time, so nothing happened. He graciously allowed me to recant the next day.
See the trouble is I love Nathan, but he's about sixty pounds too light, eight inches too tall, and 15 years too young for me. What can I say? I like what I like, and... well, it's not Nathan. What's difficult between us is (I swear to God his words not mine), I'm fucking beautiful. To him. I don't see it. Apparently very few other guys see it. Let's just say if I were fucking beautiful I think I'd be getting fucked a lot more than like twice a year.
So that's our impasse. He wants to fuck me. I want to be fucked... just not by him. Irreconcilable? One would think.
Nathan 0437: I think I'm gonna be late for work
Me 0437: bruh you have like half an hour before you even have to leave
Nathan 0440: okay yeah but
Nathan 0441: I well
Me 0442: lolol just get to work and jerk off in the bathroom on your break
Nathan 0452: but
Me 0452: I've probably made $300 having orgasms on the company dime
Nathan 0452: you know I take longer than 15 minutes w my psych meds
Me 0453: life's rough man
Nathan 0453: well you know you could help
Me 0453: siiiiiigh
Me 0456: u/
Nathan 0456: u/........?
It was far from the first time he'd asked. Previously I had just sent some nudes or whatever. Like I said, we're close. We've talked a lot. And I... well, I like to be wanted. I'm not defending it, to be clear. I'm just contextualizing.
So... I sent him my nsfw reddit info. As I don't have a lot of sex, it's all just solo shit. Mostly pretty tame thirst trap fishing for compliments from dudes hundreds to thousands of miles away stuff. All except for one photo session I'd honestly forgotten all about.
Nathan 0500: holy fuck
Me 0500: eyyyyyeeerolllll you've seen me shirtless
Nathan 0500: okaybut
Me 0500: Aaand pantsless
Nathan 0500: but uh
Nathan 0501: the gear?
The... ohfuck. A couple of years ago a bondage guy I'd talked to on growlr had been in town. Over the course of an afternoon he put me in chastity devices and harnesses. Gags, blindfolds, cuffs. All documented in my shitty apartment's shitty lighting. Very few upvotes. But now I could remember the feeling of it. My joints hurt. I had no fuckin endurance for wearing that stuff. Some things are better in theory than in practice I suppose.
Me 0501: oh uh
Nathan 0501: do you
Nathan 0501: do you still have any of it
Me 0502: I mean none of it was actually mine
Nathan 0502: that's a crying shame
Me 0503: meh
Nathan 0504: but you're so hard in every goddamned one of these
Me 0505: yeah? I mean I guess? The more intense stuff wasn't for me
Nathan 0507: just like blindfolds then?
Me 0508: that was nice also face down bent over my couch with my hands behind my back? I liked that
Nathan 0510: okay I'm gonna have some gifts for you
Me 0510: you're gonna be late af
And that was that for a while. He was indeed late for work. I was a little uncomfortable. For a few weeks I got tense thinking about his gifts he said he'd have for me, but when nothing developed things just slid back into normalcy.
Then came the day. An Amazon package on my doorstep. I took the box inside. A gift note in it that said "fdau." Nathan's fucking initialisms. Inside I found a blindfold, a gag, and handcuffs. I took a photo of them lined up on my counter and another photo of the note. r/whatthefuckdoesthatstandfor tbh
The helpful folks on Reddit came back with a lot of hilarious implausible suggestions and, of course, what must have been the correct answer: face down, ass up.