I could not sleep. It was that simple. But it wasn't. After everything that had happened between Michael and I this semester I had to go and ruin it last night by saying I was Kyle's boyfriend just to ride with him. I could have ridden with Michael over to the hospital. I could have waited in the waiting room with him instead of going to see Kyle. What had I done?
The entire semester had been against me, or so it felt. I had a crush with Pike, which I learned to get over. I was attacked, which lead to lasting scars on me. Kyle wasn't in love with me as much as I had originally thought. So why did I care about him so much? This is bullshit.
That night was one of the longest ones that I had remembered. While I was not able to see the clock, it felt like the minutes were dragging by as I tried to analyze why I messed up with Michael. He knew it. I knew it. We both knew it. The thing was we needed to talk about it. We needed to fix it, NO I needed to fix it. I made the mistake of hurting him. I don't want to follow in Kyle's footsteps and hurt the person who cares about me. Because I care.
Kyle came to me in the night, my dreams turning to nightmares through the series of scenes that I kept wishing I could get out of. I wanted to wake up, get as far away from him as possible but he kept showing me our times together.
It was dark when I first saw him. There was a door out in front of me and he was standing in front of it. Opening it up, there was a bright light. I moved forward to see it, him squeezing past me, the smell of his sweat filling my nostrils. It felt reminiscent of a time I had him but I couldn't put my finger on it. Gesturing out to me, he purred to me, "I don't bite, I swear. I am more of a nibbler anyways." The chuckle that came out from that was weird, creepy in a way.
Entering past the door, I walked into a dance floor. Dirty Dancer is playing over the speakers. Kyle moves up from behind me, his hands running up my chest, me suddenly shirtless. Freaking out, I push him away, but he returns to me, our bodies moving in sync. I look up at him and growl, "What the fuck is this?"
He looks at me for a few seconds, no words coming out his mouth. Water starts flowing down on us, his nude body in front of me. What the fuck is this dream?' I thought to myself as I turned around not wanting to look at him. Where was Michael?'
Kyle apparently hears my thoughts, retorting from behind me. "Michael isn't here. I am. Come on Chris, face me." Kyle moves up behind me, pressing his limp cock against my ass, me suddenly nude as well.
Turning around, I look at him, locking eyes with him. "I am not your boyfriend. We are not together anymore." Kyle didn't seem to care at that point, pushing me over onto a materialistic bed, the covers flying out around me as my body lands on the mattress. He is breathing heavily, some of the sweat dripping onto my brow. I try to wiggle out from him but he has his hands wrapped around my waist. "Let me go KYLE!"
Kyle doesn't, maintaining his grip on me. Blinking my eyes at him, we have moved from the bed to a restaurant. Finally he is quiet, but he is mulling something over in his mind, his eyes showing movement about his thoughts. I sit back in my chair and glare at him. "What is going on?" My statement pulls him back to reality, causing him to turn his head back to me and simply smile.
His eyes widen a little, him moving in to whisper over to me. "I love you." With that he takes me away from the table, moving me down a path that leads to his dorm.
"You never loved me!" I shout at him. I try to break free from him but it is too hard, his aura leading me to the third level of his building. I knew where this was going but didn't want to face it again.
Kyle opened the door, more than I wanted, allowing for me to see a guy lying in his bed. The guy turns over, his face burning into my eyes. But it wasn't who it was supposed to be. It wasn't Steven. It was ME. I stumble back, unsure of what is happening. This can't be happening.
Kyle turns to me; the stone look gone, replaced with anger, accusing me of things we had fought over. "I didn't go around on you! You never took the next step."
I tried to speak but I couldn't. `Wake up, please wake up!'
Kyle laughs cynically to me, locking his arms in front of his chest. "You can't wake up. Not until you realize something."
I shout at him, moving up to pound on his chest. He moves though before I can hit him. "What? What is it that I have to realize?!" We were never boyfriends. I had accepted that. Apparently not.
Michael's voice finally came in, but I could not see him. It was hard to hear where he was calling from but as he spoke, the words slapped me with every one that entered my ears. "If you don't mind me asking, what's the deal with you and Kyle? You keep saying that you are seeing him but is he even your boyfriend?" Kyle looks over to me, a hard stare falling upon me.
Shouting out to nothingness, I screamed, "NO!! No, we are not boyfriends. I am YOUR boyfriend! Please, listen to me!" I started crying, falling into a heap on the floor. Kyle's arms, previously in his pockets, have gone to his chest, guarding himself from me. It's a good thing to because I want to kill him at this moment. We had become each other's own marks. I hated him, driving a wedge between Michael and me.
He was my rival, my enemy that I needed to get rid of. He moves in towards me, as if he knows what I am thinking but I shut him off. No more. No longer will he hurt me. Kyle tries to speak but the words don't come out. He disappears from my sight as I wake up in a cold sweat, gripping my sheets.
My breathing is heavy, sweat pouring down my body. The room feels intensely hot, as if someone has turned the heater up too much. I look around but no one is there, just me by myself. Leaning back to my bed, I looked up at the flag draping over me. Liberty, Justice, Honor. Where were those things that I was brought up under? Where was the honor in my life? What was I doing with Michael? Had he been a rebound the entire time?
I had started to doze off without knowing it, waking up in the middle of Mrs. Steiner's class. This wasn't right because classes were over, the semester had ended. `Fuck, not another dream.' I thought to myself as I looked around. There was no one else in the room, just me sitting alone.
Clapping started in the back, me looking behind to see a student applauding, his eyes locked upon me. He had a sweet smile to him, but it disappeared when he saw me look at him. I looked forward, trying to figure out who it was. Then it hit me, I looked back, Michael smiling at me. He was just as cute as when I first saw him, his wavy black hair reaching over his ears.
I got out of my seat and worked through the rows, each step making Michael further away from me. "Stop, please don't leave me!" I shouted to him as he got further and further away. I wasn't noticing that the room had changed me, suddenly outside on the pier. Michael sat ahead of me, the desk now a bench, room for two on it.
Breaking off from the panoramic sunset, he turns to look into my eyes. Motioning for me to come over to him, I start running towards him. This time he didn't move, each step allowing me to get closer to him. Moving up to his right side, I sit down beside him, resting my head on his shoulder. "I thought I lost you."
With his right hand, he turns my face towards him. The deep blue eyes peer into me, "I will still be here for you." Moving his hands to my legs, Michael assures me that all isn't lost. All isn't there however, his grip showing reluctance to stick to me. He is attempting to show that he cares but there is a sense of hurt in his eyes.
Continuing to look into each other's eyes, Michael continues, "I just wish I could have helped you sooner."
Slightly confused, I look back at him, "What? What are you talking about?" I had always been the one to help him. I saw myself in him, a younger me. The problem was, the person who helped me was also my first love, my first sexual experience, and my first breakup. Was history repeating itself?
The waves are crashing around us, but their tone dies out to the rush of students passing us, the pier extending its path out into a hallway, the sun turning into the dull light of the university. Michael gets up and starts walking away, his backpack slung off his shoulders. He disappeared from my sight even though I had gotten up to search for him. "Michael! Michael, I need to tell you something! Please come back! I will always be here for you! Please, I don't want to break your heart! I'm sorry!" I start crying again, the tears though not forming nor flowing down my cheeks.
We both had feelings for each other, or so I though, especially with all the time that we had spent together. I was finally able to find him, a hurt look on his face. He was speechless, photos of me lying butt naked with Kyle spread out on the floor. I almost gagged from the sight, realizing that it wasn't me who saw me with Kyle; it was Michael. `Oh dear god, what had I done?'
The flames were still there, Michael not able to face me. "I trusted you. I had hoped you would be there for me." His tears dropped from his face to the ground, landing on my ass in the pictures.
Running up to him, I dived to his legs, trying to get him to look up at me. "Michael, please, this is a dream. This isn't happening. I was never with him while I was with you! I love you too much!" There was a spark there; something that I had hoped would have never died between us. I didn't want to lose Michael. It was the way we looked at each other, the care and compassion in our eyes, the truthfulness that is easily seen.
I tried to hold onto him but he started to dissolve before me, first his hands then his body, lastly his face, the hurt the last thing I saw before he left. I suddenly wished he had stayed around as everything slowed down to a crawl. The students stopped moving, the clocked stopped clicking, everything stopped.
Turning around, I cried. I didn't know what to do, what to fix. I wanted to wake up to see him. I wanted to say I was sorry. Last night was the biggest mistake I had ever made in a long time, worse than me socking Kyle.
"Everybody remembers their first time." My eyes were soaked with tears but I looked up to see Michael sitting there in front of me, his smile warming me up. Leaning in, he rubs his thumbs across my cheeks, and then takes a peck at my lips. I was surprised at this, wondering what was going on. Not wanting to let him go though, I pull him back, our mouths connecting for a few seconds longer. The flames from the sun blast around and through us, each brush of his lips sending renewed life through me.
A million thoughts flew through my brain, but when our eyes connected, the water flew down my cheeks. I was happy to have him back, his deep gaze piercing into me. If it weren't for Michael things could have been a whole lot worse. I owe him so much. His warmth was reassuring, the radiation warming up the coldest parts of my body, especially my heart at this moment.
Pulling back from me, Michael looks at me, somber eyes meaning business. "You need to talk to me. I don't know if I will be there for you but I know you will be there for me. Don't give up." With that, he interlaced his fingers with mine, the pressure of his grip forcing me awake.
Not even thinking to change, I moved out of my bed and towards the door. I needed to fix this before any more time had passed.
It was around 8 in the morning, the typical time that Michael normally woke up. Or so I hoped. The trek down there was hard, me facing my demons along the way, formatting how I was going to apologize for my actions and what I had said. It wasn't even to him that I had said it but it was what I had said that he heard that hurt him.
I choose to take the stairs down, the elevator only delaying the inevitable. It's hard facing up to your mistakes but when you care enough about a person and you realize what you had done, you need to call yourself on it and do what is right.
Knocking on his door, it took my will to stay there, but after swallowing hard, I held my ground. The door opened slowly, Michael peaking through the crack at me. His gaze said it all. It was the dull stare, no smile, no happy peppy Michael. "Hi." That's all he said.
It was all I needed to hear as well. Looking at him, heartbreaking look in my face, I tried my best to talk. All I could muster up was, "I feel like shit." I swallow hard at that statement. "Can we talk?"
Blinking at me, Michael stands at the door, not moving it an inch. "What is there to talk about?" It's not so much that there was sarcasm in his voice but a lack of caring. I had lost it with him. I had lost all of him. There was no groveling, no pleading that I could do.
I still tried though. I could at least tell him something. Anything. One thing that I wasn't going to tell though was a lie. I cared too much for him to pull that shit. "About last night. Please can I come in?"
Michael moves the door a little, allowing a little passage room between him and the cold hard door. His arm though still held its movement, not allowing it to budge any further. Taking the only offer I was given, I move under him, passing into the room, what was once warm and lively to me suddenly felt so shut off and distant.
Breathing heavily through his nostrils, Michael moves back away from the door, moving over to his bed to sit down on it. His back against the wall, he glances at me. All life that I had seen in him was snuffed out.
Normally I would not have sat on Bryson's bed but it was the only option that I had; that or the floor. Actually the floor was a better option for me, since I didn't deserve the hospitality of any part of the room. Sitting down on the floor, I move my back against Bryson's bed, doing my best to look up at Michael. "I fucked up and I am sorry."
Michael looks off to his window, moving his jaw around in the process. It was almost as if I had punched him multiple times over. "You fucked up and you're sorry? That's all you have to say? Wow."
Biting my lip, I cautiously continue. I fully deserve anything and everything that he throws at me. "I didn't mean any of those things that I said last night, I swear."
Michael turns back abruptly to me, hurt eyes seeping into my heart. "But you DID. You went for him like he was yours. How do you think that makes me feel?"
"Michael, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to hurt you, I swear! I didn't know what came over me. I was feeling guilty for punching him, I..I... I fucked up with what I said." I start to tear up in my eyes. Pulling my legs in, I rest my head to my knee caps and start to sob.
Michael tears into me at that point, ripping me to shreds, "You're damn fucking right you fucked up! I am your boyfriend, not that ass. Or at least I thought I was. What is it Chris?!" Michael isn't even yelling at me, the accusation in his voice though sends the clear message.
"You are, trust me you are." I can't bear to look at him while saying those words. It hurts so much for me to want them that I feel I don't deserve it. "What happened with Kyle,"
"Fuck Kyle, this is about us, YOU and ME. Kyle is not part of this equation. There can be no Kyle in this relationship. Now tell me, do you or do you not love me?" Michael cuts me open with that, my entire semester building up with him coming to this point. Did I love him?
"Yes, trust me I LOVE YOU." I take my head off my knees and look him straight in the eye. My eyes may be bloodshot but I get the point across to him. It hurt me to have to prove to him that I loved him but after what I had done, it was worth the pain. I needed to prove myself to him all over again.
Michael then goes a step further, asking me a question I should have seen coming but didn't, "Do you still love Kyle?"
"What?" I sob a little. Wiping away the tears from my cheek, I look up at him as if he had actually asked what I thought he asked.
"Do. You. Still. Love. Kyle?" Michael spelled it out for me. Did I? This was the most pivotal part of my semester. After everything that Kyle had done to me, been there after the attack, been there before the tourney's, broken my heart by cheating on me, moved on while I still had a broken heart. It all felt too hard to weigh. Did I? NO.
Sternly, I made it as confident as I could, "NO. No, I don't have any feelings for Kyle. I have felt a better connection to you than I ever did with him." I move a little away from the bed, hoping to get a little closer to Michael. At this point I decided I was not past groveling. "Please, I don't know what I can do to prove it to you."
Michael looks down at me, shaking his head in the process. "I don't know either. I don't know if I can or should take you back. What you did, it was low. I didn't think you were capable of such standards Chris."
I look to the door, as if it will allow a slight comfort for me. Would it be better if I just left? Just gave up? Very few times in my life have I actually given up on something, relationships are one of those things that I was taught never to give up on.
Michael noticed me looking at the door, then calmly stated, "If you want to go, go. Don't let it smack your ass on the way out. Just know though that you won't be coming back."
I look at him, a renewed fire in my eyes. I wanted to fight for this. I was not going to give up, not in the way that Kyle did. "No, I am not letting you go. I worked too damn hard to get here with you and to just toss it away like it was nothing; no that's not me. I still love and care about you too much to just walk out."
I stand up and move up to the edge of the bed. Michael doesn't flinch an inch, remaining in his cold stature that he had been in since he let me in. My eyes are shot, red with my love for him. I held my fists firm, looking down at him waiting for him to make his move. Michael finally moved an inch, leaning forward off the wall and pushing me back. Standing up in front of me, he looked me dead in the eyes, "You are one fucked up guy. What the hell do you want...?"
I take my chance, moving in, grabbing him on the neck with both hands, and kiss him hard. His eyes go wide but mine stay shut as I pull him in close. If this was going to be my last kiss with him, I was going to make it damn worth it.
Michael caved in, grabbing my back and pulling me close. Our bodies ran like fire through each other, the touch of skin, his fingers digging into my back, mine into his neck. He returned the kiss to me, the lips running with emotions.
Pulling back, I break onto his right shoulder. Crying, I rest my head into the crevasse between his neck and shoulder, dripping my tears of sorrow down his back. He is still none too pleased with me, the tension still there in the air. After I had gotten a few tears out of my system, I lean back to look at him. "So?"
""I don't know." A slight huff comes off his mouth, the uncertainty of the situation eating me. He didn't look at me. I don't know if he couldn't bear to look at me, or if he just was deep in thought on what to do.
"Well, you... take your time..." Pulling off of him, I take a few steps back. The ball was in his court. I didn't know what all I could say to him. I loved him. "I am going to head back to my room to pack. If you want to talk, I will be there." Sniffling slightly I start to turn, heading towards the door that lead to my imminent death. If I walked out this door, the chances of us ever getting back together dropped slim to none. Swallowing hard, I rub my eye then move on.
Well that is the end of the first semester. I am going to be taking a short two week break to fix errors in previous chapters (which, if any are found, do let me know), continue writing on the winter break session, and continue to work on my upcoming surprise.
Thank you for all your support that you have given. I am really happy to have been able to write this long, and, God willing, hopefully will be able to get through the four years of college with Chris.
If you want to get on my emailing list, let me know and I will send you a message when Winter Break starts up. Take care guys and gals.