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Disclaimer.
This story is a work of fiction although it is loosely based on the real life experiences of the author.
This story contains graphical depictions of sexual contact between two adult males. This story also contains harsh language or swearing and depicts scenes of alcohol and drug use. It should not be read by anyone where it is illegal to read such material and should not be read by anyone under the age of 18.
The author retains the copyright, and any other rights to this story. This story may not be published, copied or redistributed in any way without the explicit consent of the author.
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Authors note.
Coming out isn't easy, that's why it's taken me so long to get this out. Throw in uni exams, the fact that my internet was down for more than a month, and the fact that I went to the wall as I usually do at this time of year and you have the reason for the delay. Depression always seems to grip me at this time of the year, I know why though, and I'm working on it. Thankfully, I've managed to escape its pull. For anyone who also reads Glitter and Trauma, I PROMISE the next chapter will be out next week, hopefully sooner. The next and final chapter of this will be out in the next few days. I wrote this and the next chapter almost 2 months ago but never got round to uploading them. Sometimes things just go wrong.
Thanks again to everyone for all the emails. I mentioned in the last chapter that I never answered the emails because I couldn't tell people how things had went. I guess I was still struggling and I was still in the storm, but things have moved on since then, I've moved on. I'll answer all emails now, no matter how trivial or important they are, I promise.
Send any feedback to: kyro3@hotmail.co.uk
And could you please include the title of the story, thanks in advance :D
============================================================================= The Truth About Coming Out Chapter 4 Written after tackling Godzilla, By Kyro
The cool air blasted me in the face as I hurried to try and keep step with my dad. Who in their right mind goes walking at this time in the morning? I know he starts work early and has to leave the house at half 6, but surely he could walk when he gets back in at night. Why does it have to be just now? I was cranky and annoyed at having to get up at this time; I had barely gotten any sleep by the time I managed to get to bed. My mum had wanted to ask me a few questions about being gay which I answered as much as possible and then I went to bed at around 2am thinking about how I had to get up in a few hours to tell this guy to my right that I'm gay.
How do I even go about starting? I shook my head, I COULD NOT overthink this. Just do it.
"Dad, I told my mum something important yesterday that I have to tell you."
"What is it?" He replied nonchalantly.
"You know when I broke up with my girlfriend a few years ago and I told you it was because I didn't like her."
"Yeah."
"Well... I broke up with her... not so much because I didn't like her... but more because I don't like girls."
There was a few seconds of silence as we continued to walk through the dark morning; the only sounds were our footsteps beating against the pavements.
"Are you fucking trying to tell me you're bent?" He spat.
I swallowed hard, I knew he'd be angry and aggressive, but it was still a shock when it happened.
"I'm gay."
There it was...something I couldn't bring myself to say to my mum, yet I had managed to say to my dad... the 'gay' word.
We kept walking for another few minutes in silence, my mum warned me this might happen, and she told me not to push him, just let him think it over. It was tough; I had to put my hands in my pockets as they shook. Every time I got a shot of adrenaline, my hands began to shake, such an annoying tell! I swallowed hard as my dad quickened his steps, was he trying to walk away from me? I'm more than thirty years younger than him and far fitter.
After five or so minutes, he broke the silence.
"I don't believe you."
WHAT?!? HE DOESN'T BELIEVE ME?!? WHAT THE FUCK?!?
I took a deep breath to try and keep calm, but I mean come on. What sort of fucking reaction is that?
"Dad, do you really think I would tell you that if it wasn't true and I wasn't sure of it? I know how you feel about gay people." I clenched my fist, I wasn't going to be ashamed of who I am, no matter what he thinks about gay people.
We kept walking...on and on and on... another ten minutes went by without him saying a word, finally we turned the corner and walked into our street. I expected him to say something... anything... shout at me! Hit me! I expected something... but all I got was silence. We went back into the house and I sat down at the breakfast bar while he made his sandwiches for work. I sat there, for more than hour, in case he wanted to talk... and all I got was, "I'm away to work."
I walked upstairs and crawled into bed, I had expected my mum to take it differently, I had expected her to question me to death and not understand it, she didn't, she just supported me, even though I knew it was killing her inside. My dad, I expected him to shout and maybe even hit me, I know the idea flashed across his mind... I saw it in his face when he asked me if it was gay... or "bent" as he calls it. He tried to keep his temper and apparently the only way he could do that, was by ignoring me.
I crawled under my covers and hugged my pillow; I know it could have gone worse. I know I could have gotten into a massive argument or even had a fist fight with my dad, but I guess it still hurt for him to ignore me. I guess I never expected him to tell me that I wasn't gay or to just pretend that it never happened. I even said the 'gay' word. I never danced around it like yesterday. I left him with no ambiguity, and yet he somehow had managed to deny it. Not the reaction I was expecting. I tossed and turned for hours, all I could think about was my dad ignoring me and what he had said before about gay people. "Perverts and fucking paedophiles, the lot of them!" Is that what he thought of me now? Did he think I was some sort of monster?
I woke later on that day after finally managing to get a few hours' sleep; I couldn't really face telling my mum what had happened. My best friend goes to a university in Edinburgh and he usually gets home at about 5. I gave him a text asking if he'd want to meet up for a drink. He replied telling me he couldn't be bothered. I had to find a way of getting him out for a drink so I could try and tell him without making him think that something was wrong. After a few texts of pleading and him replying that he was tired, I finally nailed my colours to the cross and told him that I had something to tell him. He knew something was up because I was pestering him and he finally texted me back with, 'Are you moving away to Germany? Are you coming out? Tell me why we're going for a drink? HAHAHA. You get the first round in ;)'
The second I read the text, I shook my head; he had hit the nail on the head and he didn't even know it yet. I'm not camp; I'm not effeminate nor am I someone who fits the gay stereotype at all. For a while, I thought about acting a bit more camp, just to give people a few hints, to soften the blow a little, but that just isn't me. I am the way I am, and there's nothing I can do about it. I guess you're wondering why the sudden change of heart in telling my best friend. The simple answer is, within the next day or so, I'm planning on telling my cousin and my immediate family. I'm planning on telling everyone who is important to me, that way they find out on my terms, and not by overhearing some remark made in jest drunkenly at a party or something.
I got ready to go and meet my friend, it was still early and he wouldn't be there for another few hours, but I didn't want to hang around the house and talk to my mum about my dad. I headed downstairs, shouted that I was away out, and then left. The pub we were meeting in was a short walk away, I got there with more than a few hours to spare. I ordered some orange juice and then I found a seat. I had a few hours to mull over what I was going to say to him. How was he going to take it? Would he be pissed?
I was sure he wouldn't be pissed about the gay thing. He's made a few comments, but none of them were malicious like my mum and dad had made. I'm sure he would be OK with it; I just think he may be annoyed that it took me so long to tell him. I had to make him understand that I couldn't tell him because he was going out with my cousin. I had to make him understand that it was my secret and I couldn't ask him to lie for me. It wasn't right. My phone buzzed and it was him, his last lecture was cancelled and he said he would be here early, in the next ten minutes. SHIT!
I thought I had more time to get my head together. I left my juice on at the table and went to the bar to order two pints. I carried them back to the table and he walked in as I was setting them down.
"Excellent timing," he grinned as he picked the pint up to take a sip. "So what's the goss? What have you got to tell me?" He asked as we took our seats.
I could mentally hear a chair being pulled back, hurried footsteps and then a door being opened and closed as my courage upped and left me.
"Eh... nothing, I just really fancied a pint." I lied. It was a poor lie poorly told and he knew it. But he didn't push it. He let it be.
We sat for the next few hours chit-chatting about uni and life in general, nothing of any great importance. I was taking my time with my drinking; I didn't want to come out to him when I was drunk and have him think it was some drunken nonsense. I wanted to do this when I was sober and if we were going to drink Jack Daniel's with our next set of pints, then I wasn't going to stay too sober for too long.
"So I didn't just ask you down here because I wanted a pint." I told him.
"No shit Sherlock, so what's up?"
"I told my mum something yesterday, and I told my dad something today, and he didn't take it too well, so now I'm going to tell you. I know who you're going out with and I know I said that I'd never interfere or get in the way in any way of you two, but I want you to keep something from her. I'm not asking you to lie, just to omit. I know it's asking a lot, but I promise it's just for a day or two until I speak to her and I'll tell her that it was my fault that you never told her."
I could see a worried look on his face, he had no idea what was coming. "I can do that," he nodded sharply.
I decided I'd tell him the same way I told my mum and my dad...it was practically a script.
"OK, well you know I broke up with my last girlfriend a few years ago."
"Yeah."
"Well, the reason I broke up with her wasn't so much because I didn't like her... it was more because I don't like girls."
A strange smile broke out across his face.
"You're gay?"
I think it was the nerves, or maybe it was because of the fact that he was smiling, but I couldn't help but smile at him, "Yeah."
"Seriously?"
"I'm gay." I told him.
"Fucking hell." He said smiling. There wasn't any anger, that was a good sign and he was still smiling. "When did you know this?"
"I don't know; when did you know you were straight?" I said shrugging my shoulders.
"Fair enough." He nodded his head. "Fucking hell."
"I know, bit of a surprise, right?"
"I had no fucking idea!" He laughed and I joined in. The sense of relief I was feeling was immeasurable. He hadn't ignored me like my dad, he wasn't disgusted and distraught like my mum.
"I could have been an actor," I said before giving him a wink.
"Definitely," he said before laughing again. "I would never have guessed. I knew there was something eating at you for a while, you nearly told me a while ago, but I thought you were just drunk and talking shit."
I smiled remembering the time he mentioned. We were on our way home from a nightclub and both of us were pretty drunk, I wanted to tell him so badly, I really wanted some help and needed someone to lean on, but I couldn't drive a wedge between him and my cousin.
"I wasn't ready to tell everyone, and I didn't want you to have to lie to my cuz for me."
"I wouldn't have found it easy, because I love her, but I would have done it for you."
I felt a prang of relief inside me, I knew he would have lied for me, that's why I never told him. It was my job as his friend to save him from himself, even if that meant hurting me in the process.
"I know, but I never wanted anyone to lie for me, it was my secret."
He kept smiling, I don't know if it was because if the whole shock or excitement of it all, or whether he was genuinely happy or what, but he just kept smiling.
"So who else knows?"
"Just you, my mum and my dad."
"Your brothers don't?"
"Nope. I was going to tell one of them tonight depending on how well you took it."
"'Took it?' Hey, just remember I'm straight, I won't be taking anything," he said before giving me a wink.
I let out a small laugh.
"So we've been best mates for 22 years, why the fuck haven't you ever hit on me?"
"Blergh!" I said making a face before we both laughed, it was a truly warm moment.
"I don't care if you're gay. It's not going to change anything for me. You're still my best mate and I'm still going to make all my gay jokes."
I smiled, "So nothing's changed?"
"Apart from the fact that you like sausage and not kebab, nope."
I shook my head, I hated it when he was so crass, apparently though he was right, nothing had changed.
We walked into my brother's house with 3 litres of vodka and 24 cans of cider. He looked at us as if to say, 'what the fuck? I have work tomorrow!' But he let us in anyway. I knew he would take it well; it was my other brother who was the problem. I didn't want to tell one brother without telling the other, but I didn't really have a choice. We went in and sat and played some Halo for an hour or so. My brother is eight years my elder but he was often very immature and I was always smarter than him. More oft than not, I was the one who played the 'big brother' role in my relationship with my brothers.
I offered him a drink but he declined as he had work the next day. In the 13 or 14 years that I had known my brother to work, not once had he ever missed a day due to being drunk or hungover. I think he'll want a drink after I tell him though.
My friend got up to go to the toilet and left me alone with my brother.
I took a deep breath and gave him the same script I gave all the rest of them.
He looked at me for a second, trying to figure out if I was lying or not.
"Is this a joke?" He asked deadpanned.
"No... I'm gay."
A few seconds passed.
"I don't believe you."
WHAT THE FUCK!?!!!?! WHY DO PEOPLE KEEP SAYING THAT?!??!?!?
I took a deep breath to try and cool my temper.
"It doesn't matter if you believe me, it's true."
He shook his head and dismissed it again, "Nah, I don't believe you."
I was burning up with rage. What a stupid fucking thing to say. Every fibre of my being wanted to walk over there and slap some sense into him, but I took another deep breath and tried to keep my breath as calm and as steady as possible.
"It's true. I've told my mum, my dad..."
Just as I was running through my list my friend walked back in.
"Did he tell you this shit?" My brother asked my friend.
"Em... yep. He told me earlier on tonight. I don't care, he's still my best mate and I told him that nothing is going to change that."
I felt a sense of pride swell up in me. I will never be in love with that boy, but my god did I love him.
"So when did you decided this?" My brother asked, his tone still hostile but softening slightly.
"I didn't DECIDE it. But I've known for a while. I just think that this is the time to tell people."
He un-paused his computer game and went quiet for a minute whilst he slaughtered a few aliens. After a minute or two of uncomfortable silence, he paused the game again.
"Fuck it, I'm gonna go get a drink," he said before he stood up. He left the room and I looked at my best friend, he shrugged his shoulders then we both followed my brother into the kitchen.
"Well..." My brother began. "I never saw that one coming."
I began laughing before my friend joined in and said, "me either."
"So when did he tell you?" My brother asked.
"About a couple of hours ago."
"I thought he was taking the piss."
"He's serious," my friend defended me. "I've told him that nothing's changed, I couldn't care less if he's gay."
My brother turned to me, "you know you've made your life a fucking hell of a lot harder, don't you? You know what a lot of people think about gay people?"
I rolled my eyes. "Jesus Christ! Of course I do, I'm the gay one here. Do you think I don't know all about being gay? The sex, the STD's, the social stigma, the gay-bashing. I know all about the sort of world that I'm entering into. And I never MADE my life harder. This is what my life is. I didn't choose to be gay, it's just the way I am."
"Look, I know that, I just want to make sure you know." He rubbed his fore head before he took a large gulp of straight vodka. He poured himself another large glass, at least this time he put some Coke in it too. "So do you have a boyfriend?"
"Nope."
"Have you slept with a guy?
"Nope."
"Gotten-off with one?"
"No." I answered shamelessly
He rubbed his head again. "I'm just trying to work out how the fuck you know you're gay but you've never been with a guy.
My friend interjected. "Look, he's told your dad, do you really think he would have done that if he wasn't sure."
"I'm not saying that, I just want to know how HE knows."
I closed my eyes... I had hoped I wouldn't have to go into all the gory details, I guess that was wishful thinking.
"Look..." I said drawing their attention. "I haven't watched straight porn in about 8 years. I think guys are hot. I like their legs, and I like their abs and their pecs and most of all, I like their dicks."
My brother seemed a bit flustered by that, "Right, right, that was all I was asking. So you're sure?"
"Positive." I responded.
We spent most of the night drinking and discussing how I was going to tell everyone. I told them that I planned on telling my other brother tomorrow and then I planned on getting my other 3 female cousins, who I'm really close to, down to a pub and telling them the following day. That should be fun, telling three females that I have absolutely no interest in having sex with their kind... I'm sure they'd take that well....
Anyway, that meant my best friend only to omit what was going on to his girlfriend for one day. After that, I would be free. Free to shout my gayness from the rooftops if I chose to. It was a liberating feeling having told my best friend and my brother. My other brother wouldn't take it well. Two weeks ago we had an argument about homosexuality and he started quoting the bible at me. I'm usually quite a tolerant person, but I find it difficult to be preached to by a guy who has never been inside a church or a chapel at any point in his life. I thought he was an atheist for fuck's sake! Anyway, I've wrote this the day after the events I just described. My friend, my brother and I spent most of the night drinking, eventually it descended into drunken madness and there was a lot of bro- mance which was fun. I thought they would be weird about hugging me now that I was gay, but they genuinely didn't give a shit which was so uplifting! If it wasn't for the epic hangover that I had at the moment, I'm sure I'd feel like a million dollars!
Anyway, it's not easy, but I'm nearly there. I'm going to tell my other brother later on today when he gets home from work. This should be fun! Maybe my dad will talk to me when he gets home tonight too? I guess he just needs some space. I sucks that he's ignoring me, but I can't force him to talk to me. Not only that but I'm sensing some animosity between him and my mum now too, I'm sure that's to do with me and the way my dad's treating me. I hope they don't argue or fall out. That's quite simply the last thing I need right now.
Send any feedback to: kyro3@hotmail.co.uk I hope you enjoyed it and thanks for reading!!!