============================================================================== Disclaimer
This story is a work of fiction although it is loosely based on the real life experiences of the author.
This story contains graphical depictions of sexual contact between two adult males. This story also contains harsh language or swearing and depicts scenes of alcohol and drug use. It should not be read by anyone where it is illegal to read such material and should not be read by anyone under the age of 18.
The author retains the copyright, and any other rights to this story. This story may not be published, copied or redistributed in any way without the explicit consent of the author. ============================================================================= Authors note
Things have been moving fast and it's been difficult to keep up, but writing helps. The reason I haven't been answering emails is that if I did, then I would either have to lie, or give-away what had happened, neither of which I'm comfortable doing, I still need to get things straight in my head first.
I want to say a huge thanks to everyone who has sent me an email, even though I haven't written back yet, I have read them all and I am very thankful.
This chapter is for all my online friends who have left me reviews and who have sent me emails. Not only is it for them, but it's also for anyone else out there who is struggling.
Send any feedback to: kyro3@hotmail.co.uk And could you please include the title of the story, thanks in advance :D ============================================================================= The Truth About Coming Out Chapter 3 Written after his last meal, By Kyro
Chapter three... I guess you're wondering if I'm as big a coward as you thought, or whether I held true to my word and actually told someone that I was gay. I guess the easy answer to that is... I don't know. For some freak reason, Scotland is basking in the middle of a mini-heat wave. I know what you're thinking, 'In March?' Well yeah, it's the middle of March and Scotland's temperature has hit more than 20 degrees. That may not be a big deal to people living in warmer climates, but trust me, in Scotland, that's as good as it gets even in the summer months.
I was sitting on a deck-chair on the patio and my mum was staining the decking as the sun beat down on us both. I was wearing nothing but a pair of shorts and I had my sunglasses sitting on top of my head. sigh I know that this is the part where I tell you about how I found some sort of inner courage, I wish I could tell you that at that given moment, I felt closer to my mum than I had in years or that I truly believed that she would accept me where I to come out. But I didn't. I don't know whether people ever truly feel these things or whether writers just say that to make a situation seem more moving, either way, as I sat shirtless on the deck-chair with my head in my hands toiling over whether to tell my mum that I was gay, the strangest thing happened. I got help... ACTUAL HELP!
I know what you're thinking, 'I thought this was the truth and now some knight in shining armour has rode in to help him.' Well it's true, I was helped, but not by a knight... not by a family member... not even by an acquaintance... I was helped by the only other living thing on this earth which knows I am gay; I was helped by my best friend... my hero... my dog.
His ivory white coat shone as the sun reflected off the face of my Labradorean bodyguard. He came over and nudged my elbows with his face so that I would pet him; he loved to have my attention. He sat down between my legs and continued panting whilst tossing his head back in appreciation as I scratched just the right bit behind his ear. No one else could ever find it, he wouldn't let them; this was our special ritual, the ritual between me and my dog. If someone were to wrestle with me, even another family member, he would protect only one person... me. He was my best friend, and I his.
This unwavering and undying loyalty is one of the best things to ever have in life, it fills you up and gives you heart to go on when you're feeling down, knowing that someone or something can put so much stock in you. It gives you that extra little nudge you need sometimes to do something that little bit extra special, and in this instance, having my dog sit there between my legs gave me the courage that I needed. He knew something wasn't right with me, he could sense it and he had been more affectionate towards me the past week or so than usual, something I had taken great solace in. I put my sun glasses on to cover my eyes; it felt good to wear some armour for the forthcoming battle.
"Mum, I've got something to tell you and I want you to not talk until I'm finished."
My heartbeat quickened in my chest, a heavy dose of adrenaline began rampaging through my system... this was it... the real deal. I was going to tell her and my body knew it. I swallowed hard so as to try and lubricate my throat. I took a deep breath as I continued to scratch my dog behind the ear and looked up to my mum who was still on the decking. She looked up, gave me a hardened stare before she nodded her head.
"Do you remember that girl I went out with a few years back?"
"Of course, you went out with her for four years."
I swallowed hard again, here goes...
"Well, I know I told you that I broke up with her because I didn't like her, but that wasn't true. I broke up with her... not so much because I didn't like her... but more because I don't like girls."
Did she understand? Did she get what I meant? Did I have to actually say that I was gay? That seems so much more difficult than what I just said. I swallowed hard again. Jesus! I can hear my heart beating in my ears! My mum's stare immediately faltered; there was a brief look of shock before her face contorted into a hardened determination.
"You don't like girls at all?"
"No..." I croaked.
She nodded her head slowly, her face a mix of utter devastation and something else, something that no matter how hard I think about it, I still can't quite place. I stopped scratching behind the ear of my Labrador and moved to stroking his head soothingly, my hands were shaking and I needed to do something to keep myself from breaking down into a nervous wreck. But I'll be damned if I'm going to cry, I'm not ashamed and I'm not going to give off the impression that I am.
"Well... if that's the way it is...then that's the way it is."
"What?" I blurted out. My mind had gone totally blank.
"If that's how it is, then OK."
She stood up and began walking towards me, I felt myself tensing up, not because I was scared she would hit me, I was scared of what she might say.
I stood up too, apprehensive as to what would come next, my dog continued to seat himself between my legs, ever my protector.
"Is this what has been bothering you for the past few weeks?"
My voice had deserted me; I was utterly consumed by fear. All I could manage was to nod my head.
"Don't worry about it, it's not that big of a deal nowadays," she said as she gave me a hug.
I put my arms around her and almost squeezed her to death. The only time we hug in my family is when it's someone's birthday or its Christmas! She gave me a rub on the back and I felt some of the burden lift, but there was still something unresolved in my head.
"Don't worry about it; it's not that big of a deal." She said again, feeling me relax slightly in her arms.
We broke the hug and I guess you would expect me to say that it was the best moment of my life, wouldn't you? You would expect me to say that I had done the hardest part and actually told someone. That's what you would expect, but I wasn't done, I had a fire lit in my throat, a question that I absolutely had to ask and I knew if I didn't ask it now, I would probably never be able to bring it up again.
"I know how you feel about gay people, mum. I know you think they're all perverts. I know that when you saw two guys kissing on TV you turned it over and said 'it'd disgusting' and that you could never watch that..."
She interrupted me before I even got to finish, "I know I said those things, but it's different when it's one of your own."
I paused for a minute... I mean that... a minute must have went by whilst I stood there analysing what she had just said.
She didn't lie.
She didn't deny she had said it.
She didn't say that she didn't really believe what she had said.
She didn't even insult me by saying that I was being melodramatic.
She just gave me an answer that, in all my wildest and most fear-ridden dreams.... I had never seen coming. And if I'm honest with you... I believed her.
"I'm not going to lie; all those guys who prance around and act more woman-like than women make me cringe, but you're not like that."
I nodded my head, still shell-shocked. She moved back over to the decking and continued to stain it while I sat down and began scratching behind my dogs ear again, a silent thank you for him helping me out.
"So is that why you've never had a girlfriend in 3 years?" She asked.
"Four," I corrected her.
She nodded her head, "why didn't you tell me sooner?"
Now we had come to the crux of the matter.
"I thought you hated gay people, because of the things you said."
"It's different when it's one of your own. When it's family, you'll accept anything."
"And I knew that when I told you.... I would have to tell my dad."
My mum nodded her head and kept working as she mulled over what I had just said. I didn't say anything, I just let what I had said sink in. I had looked at information online about telling people you're gay. One of the important things to do is to give them space and let them deal with it. I've had years to get comfortable with this whereas my mum has only had a few minutes.
"Yeah, your dad's going to be a problem..."
I nodded my head, I could feel barbed wire tightening around my chest again, the temporary relief I felt after telling my mum was being displaced with the same fear which had kept me closeted for 22 years.
"I know."
"Do you want me to tell him?" She asked.
I took a deep breath; 'did I want her to tell him?' Doesn't that make me a coward? Doesn't it show that I'm ashamed or too scared to stand up and actually tell people that this is who and what I am and that I haven't changed? That it's no big deal?
"No.... I'll tell him myself... he at least deserves that."
"When will you tell him?
"I dunno, I need to wait until I can get him on his own."
"He goes for a walk every morning at 5 o'clock, you could go with him?"
My stomach lurched, "sounds like a plan."
Send any feedback to: kyro3@hotmail.co.uk I hope you enjoyed it and thanks for reading!!!