Hello! It's taken some time, but i have now gotten back to a computer. Disclaimer: simply put: its fiction, meaning not true Enjoy and feedback has been wonderful, please keep it up
The thing with Nick 11
The thing with Nick is, he wavers between our world and his own.
The cameras moved between Nick and Kevin and Brian. They were the ones who could formulate words. When Nick began to cry I had to bite my lip because I couldn't stand and go to him.
" We'll always be Backstreet Boys, until one of us dies." Nick's face began to quiver and the tears cascaded. MTV, our fans, everyone know knew that Nick Carter did in fact cry.
"CUT!"
" Thanks Guys, I know this was hard, but thanks." Carson nodded quickly in Nick's direction and then left us to be alone.
Nick stood suddenly and pointed at me.
" This is all your fault! You drove him to this. You made him unhappy. How could not notice? You're his best friend, how could you?"
" What? Nick, I didn't cause this."
" Yes you did."
" Nicky, how could you say that to me?"
" You know!"
" No, I don't."
" That last night together. You made him feel that he wasn't enough."
" Nick, you sound ridiculous."
" Shut up Kevin, you don't know anything."
" Would you care to enlighten him?" I asked softly, hoping, in reality, no one would hear me.
" Yeh, sure, why the hell not."
" What?"
" Howie yelled out my name during sex with AJ. Finalizing in AJ's mind that he wasn't enough for our dear Sweet D here."
" Jesus Christ Nicky! Can you honestly stand here and accuse me of putting AJ in rehab? He did this to himself. He treated me like shit; it caught up with him. He knew, even long before I told you, that I loved you, he KNEW! Okay! In his own fucked up mind, he felt that he was helping. But he wasn't. He was hurting himself. So yes, we, not just I, should have stopped him, but damn it, don't you think this is tearing me apart. AJ means the world to me, and the man that was my first love, my first basically everything is now in self-destruct mode. And yes, knowing that I could have prevented it in some way shape or form is KILLING me; it's killing me Nicky. And the one person who is able to comfort me, is fucking blaming me."
Kevin and Brian looked back and forth to each other and back to Nick and me. They honestly didn't know what was going on. And I wasn't in a place to tell them. I turned to them with a final thought.
" Blame me if you wish along with Nick. At this point, I don't think it matters. But perhaps," I turned back to Nick, " Nick will 'fess up to everything. And maybe then it will make some sense."
I walked out of the studios with my head up, but my spirits down.
As the cab pulled me closer to the hotel, I began to contemplate so many things my head felt dizzy by the time I got to my room.
I keep thinking about the other night. The words we said. The tears we shed. That was real life. This, this isn't. Moping around in lavishly decorated hotel rooms, and fancy cars that no one really cares about, those aren't real. But when I look into Nick's eyes, and I see all the things I'm scared to feel, and feel all the things I'm too scared to see, I know its real. But the fights we have, and the fights we cause, it gets tiring, almost not worth it. But how can I judge his worth, my worth? That's up to God, who am I to decide such things?
I can crawl into my bed and pretend like the life surrounding me doesn't exist, or I can drive around in my fancy car and show off my fancy clothes, but it doesn't mean much if he isn't watching, if I'm not showing off to him.
So, what am I to do? Wait around until its too late, or just live my life in the now, and see what happens? I'd like to pick the latter...
But, I cant. I can't choose anything. Because I'm stuck at this standstill now. Where everything in our relationship now depends on Nick. If he tells the truth. If he remains a child who won't take the blame. If I remain stubborn and don't knock some sense into him. If I stay hidden under covers to shut out the light of a day, I wish I could forget.
His eyes. The blue turned to red with anger and black with sadness as he threw his words to my heart. His lips, softness to chapped to rough and uncomfortable as he spit out blame that belonged not just onto my soul. His skin, his gentle touch, as frozen and invincible as the touches he gave me. His heart, as stone cold as the hand he put on my shoulder.
I just don't know what to do anymore.
The thing with Nick is, he still has so much to learn. ~~~~~~~ Hey Yall, sorry its taken so long, i'm still having a block on chap 13, but i wanted this out now anyway. Enjoy and feedback, as always, to: MrClean290@aol.com