The third and final installment. Special thanks to anyone who helped proof this. :)
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If you'd like to fan my ego, or take it down a notch then hit me up at: maspgurl@yahoo.com.
The thing about forgiveness is...
By Mas.
You started sending me flowers again.
The weeks after I left you I was bombarded by flowers but I either threw them away or gave them to the kind, old lady who works in our mail room. She loved flowers.
You would have been better off sending me something like chocolate. Something I could use. I guess you wouldn't send chocolate since you knew that I could lose myself and my waist line in a bucket of Ben and Jerry's very easily. The flowers worked their magic though.
So maybe it was a good thing you didn't send me chocolate. I was starting to keep the flowers now. I kept your short notes too. Sarah thought that it was sweet; I thought that you were slick. You probably conspired with her and she told you the lines that wouldn't sound too sappy or syrupy sweet. You filtered all of those out, and sent me the ones that were suggestive. Promising. Erotic.
'I've missed touching you. I wish I could trace this rose over your skin...'
The secretary was bubbling over when she saw another delivery heading my way. Most at work had no idea that we even broke up so they were singing your praises.
I shooed her away and sat rubbing the petal over my cheek, just like you said. As if you could read my thoughts the phone rang.
"Hello?" So lost in my thoughts I didn't even answer with the customary spiel we all were taught.
"Do you like it?"
Two weeks ago we had sex in a guest bedroom of a mutual friend. You sent me something every workday since. Saturday's too.
"So, do you think I'm gonna sniff one of these flowers and turn into a puddle?"
"No." I sniffed the flower and closed my eyes. I was turning into a puddle. "You didn't answer the question though."
"Are you at work?" I heard the hum of machinery and the loud voices of people shouting in the background. You had to be on site.
"Yeah, I'll be done here at five." That surprised me. I told you so. "Well, I was kinda wondering if you'd like to do something."
My heart began to drum. Fear, excitement and expectancy all rushed around in the little organ. "Maybe I would." The smile was loud on your lips. You were probably nibbling on them nervously.
"Maybe we can meet at the house." You must have sensed my unease. "Or we can meet at a restaurant too. Racatto's maybe?"
"Maybe."
"Is that maybe as in a yes?" I laughed and told you maybe again. You growled out my name. I had flashbacks of you doing that between my thighs. I always felt each vibration against my skin.
"Yes Jess."
"Okay. So I'll see you at, let's say seven tonight?"
"Yes. Seven is fine." We were quiet after that, settling into a comfortable silence.
"Okay then. Well, I'll let you get back to work." Still we remained on the line. "Bye Shell."
"Bye Jess." You sighed and I heard you fumble to turn off the phone. I called out before you could hit the button, banking on your fingers being too big for the little buttons. They were working fingers, a little rough and scarred but always handled me with gentleness.
"Did you say something?"
"I liked them Jess. All of them."
"I'm glad." I hung up before I made an ass of myself.
Tasha wasn't pleased about this latest development. We were in the elevator lobby and she was in lecture mode.
"Michelle, she hurt you. Are you sure she won't do it again?"
"No Tasha, I'm not."
"I think you're making a mistake."
"I very well could be." She scowled at me on our short ride to the ground floor. With quick waves to the fellow at reception we headed for our cars.
"I don't want you to get hurt Shell." Tasha was one of those women who knew you before we settled down together. She also was one of the women you said no to. She doesn't know that you told me this since you promised her that you'd never tell anyone. I knew that she was biased. A woman scorned and all of that, but I still loved her.
"I know Tasha." She tried to stare me down but I only stared back with a growing smile.
"Does this woman know how unbelievably lucky she is?"
"I hope so." I hugged her closely. "You're a good friend." She stepped back and shook her head with a smile. Some moments I had the feeling that Tasha felt more for me than friendship but other times I felt that she just cared a hell of a lot. I couldn't ask for anything more.
"Well, for what it's worth, have fun tonight."
I sat in the car in Sarah's parking lot staring into space. This was one of those big steps. My heart was still gun shy, but even so, it took baby steps back to you. Tasha's words came back to me and my own doubts filled my head. Fear had my eyes burning but I blinked the tears away.
With a deep breath I got out of the car and cursed as I realized neither one of us told Sarah about our date yet. She was going to be a basket case of elation. "Great," I muttered.
She was even worse. I was just happy to escape the house at 6:15 that evening. She was quoting lines from romantic movies and giving suggestions about how the evening should progress. The pride in her eyes reminded me of our mother on prom night. It was annoying then and it was just as annoying now with Sarah.
I arrived at the restaurant early but you still managed to beat me. I gasped when I saw you. Breathtaking is the only description I could come up with. You had to have gotten a new hair cut and the stylist must have done something extra to it. It fell perfectly into your eyes that night and when you brushed your fingers through the soft strands they bounced back onto your forehead.
The light makeup showed off your high cheekbones and your lips were glossed and succulent.
I took in the dark pants suit as I approached. Your hands stopped fiddling with the silverware and you pushed away from the table reaching me in two strides.
From the darkening of your eyes and the dreamy expression on your face I surmised that my little, black dress was acceptable.
"You look wonderful Michelle. But then again you always do."
"Thank you." When your arms wrapped around my shoulders my eyes slid close the way they always did. A deep breath brought the scent of Micheal Corrs to tease my senses. I missed hugging you. I missed being hugged by you. Then when you kissed my cheek I realized that I missed your kisses too. Terribly.
We pulled apart and you held the chair for me. "You look very dashing yourself." A light blush ran up your neck and spread evenly over your face.
It reminded me of our first date. The carefulness and cautious questions. Both of us not wanting to reveal too much even as we tried to probe each other for a sign that there would be a tomorrow.
By the time dessert came and went I was laughing like I always did when we talked. You smiled at me and gestured to my cup. I had enough coffee but I didn't have enough of you. "I think I'm done for the night. You stuffed me."
A bittersweet smile was my response. You thought I wanted the night to end but it was so far from what I wanted. It was probably what I needed though.
"Maybe we can walk around a little?" You beamed at me and started to look around for the waitress.
The night was chilly. Your jacket was off and draped over my shoulders as soon as you saw me shiver. "Thank you." Always the gentlewoman. I glanced over and caught the way your shirt pressed against the soft flesh stretched over the muscles of your arms. You gained weight since we last saw each other. The way your muscles stretched beneath the soft curves of a woman's body always fascinated me so I kept close tabs on your body.
I wanted you.
"I know that none of your friends want us to get back together." I was quiet as we strolled past the brightly lit store fronts of the street, other couples or large groups overtaking us. We stopped and stood under a circle of lamp light.
"Jess..."
"No, it's true. And they have the right to think that after what I did." You turned away from me. The street light fell on the angles of your face sharply. For a moment you looked sinister, then you shuffled your feet and I saw the face that I remembered. Those harsh angles softened under the glow.
I don't know why the relief swam through me the way it did when you stepped out of the shadows. Maybe it was some deep, emotional or psychological thing about shadows and uncertainty. Or maybe I just liked it better when you stood in the light.
Most things look better in the light. Indiscretion? Maybe not, but the mess it made after someone fucked away a relationship usually had a better chance of being cleaned up if the light was on.
I like you better in the light.
You sighed when I didn't answer you. Your shoulders slumped and you looked at the floor. All hope rolled off those shoulders. You'd literally sweep me off of my feet on lazy Sunday mornings just to get me out of bed with the strength of those shoulders, now I couldn't see a trace of it.
My heart couldn't fight it anymore. I stepped toward you and took your hand.
"I want to go home with you Jess. But let's just...let's just be together okay?"
Your expression was blank. For a moment I thought that you didn't hear me at all.
"I'm fine with that." The response was quick and I saw you inhale and hold on to that breath. It was cute. I laughed and you exhaled. "Ummm, so should I follow you?" We usually drove one of our cars when we went out. A detail as small as the both of us being out together with two cars was confusing you. How were you coping? I know now that Sarah honey-coated most of her accounts about your life since that day.
I squeezed your hand and tugged until you began to follow, then we walked side by side. I ignored your frequent looks. I felt you squeeze my hand periodically, as if to check if I was still there even though our shoulders brushed and our hands were fused together by your grip.
When we stood in the living room, me at the pullout couch with a blanket and pillow, you still looked uncertain. "Let's just go to bed Jess."
Your little boxer shorts stopped midway down your thighs. They were just tight enough to remind me of my fascination with your thighs. You tugged at your t-shirt and offered again to sleep on the couch for the tenth time that night.
"Jessie..." You smiled and I knew that you knew I stopped fighting. Hurting? Maybe not, but fighting for sure. "Just go to bed. You've been here and I was gone. I'll sleep on the couch."
The guest bedroom was really an office. One that I allowed you to take over since I wasn't one to bring my work home. You, on the other hand, had drawings and books scattered all over the place. I could barely concentrate in the room let alone sleep. I only went in there when I wanted to be near you. I liked the couch better anyway. We had a record amount of sex on that couch. Good memories.
"I'll be in the room then."
"Yes you will." An awkward silence filled the space between us that usually was filled with a goodnight kiss. Then that kiss almost always turned into two goodnight kisses until we were sliding against each other. Tonight I just wanted a kiss though. It was just what I received when I tugged on your t-shirt. You pressed your soft lips to mine and we pulled away slowly.
"Goodnight Jessie."
You're eyes became wet but you didn't cry, not physically. I heard it in your voice though. "'Night, Shell."
We took it easy. My friends were slowly beginning to encourage me and I can't deny that I needed their support. Sarah was on cloud nine. Every flower you sent and every dinner invitation was foreshadowed since you seemed to be asking her guidance for every little thing.
"So what are you up to this weekend?" She asked on a Thursday. I was watching an old school cartoon that was perfectly mind-numbing. I couldn't help but think that you always know what to say or when to get me away from the couch when I turned into a couch potato. Sarah just liked to sit nearby and talk. You knew I hated chatter when I was like that.
"Sleep if I can help it." A little bear was trying to outrun a rowdy sheriff. I laughed at his antics.
"How about Saturday?" When my eyes fell on her I watched my sister put on an air of nonchalance. It was a set up. Either she wanted me to do some random and boring family task or she was fishing for a perfect date for a "date" with my ex-but-now-dating- girlfriend.
"Oh I don't know Sarah, shouldn't we ask Jessie what she's doing too?" I asked dryly. "You know, to make sure our schedules match." She looked nervous then haughty. When I just stared at her until her little ego deflated she slumped back into the couch. "You don't need to do this."
"I know." I stretched my legs on the couch and poked her thigh. She giggled and pulled my feet into her lap. "Don't hate me. I just want you two to be happy."
"You can't push forgiveness Sarah."
"I thought you already forgave her? We looked at each other then I turned back to the television. I thought so too.
It was 4pm on Friday and I was packing up my desk ready for a quick escape. Tasha peeked into my office with a soft knock.
"TGIF."
"Damn right." While I tucked away my laptop she sat on the edge of my desk.
"This is the first time in a long time that I've ever seen you leave early." I smiled and thought about the flower you sent me earlier. I didn't know that my eyes tracked to it. It stood in a slim, elegant vase at the center of my desk. She studied it for a few moments too.
"You seem happier Shell." I waited for the other shoe to fall, another warning to keep away from you before you robbed me of all happiness, but there was none.
Just a small smile and she stood tugging down her skirt. "Big plans tonight with Jessica?"
"Tentative plans. I keep her on edge until the last minute sometimes." With a low chuckle she headed for my door.
"Well played Shell. Have a great weekend."
"You too. Oh, and who were you trying to impress with that outfit today anyway?" Both of us looked at her fitted, rust colored skirt and the dress shirt she wore tucked into it.
"I'm insulted that you'd think I dress for anyone but myself when I come in to work." With pursed lips I crossed my arms. She crossed hers too and we started a stare off that lasted exactly four seconds. She burst out laughing. "Have you not seen that new girl in HR?"
I racked my brain until I came up with the face of a young, pretty red head. "Tasha! You're old enough to be her mother!"
"Not that old since I caught her checkin' out my ass TWICE already." With a wink she sashayed out of my office.
I was in a great mood by the time I got to Sarah's. So when she told me that you called I just flopped onto the couch, ordered her to give me some privacy and called you.
When you picked up I let you wait until you said "Hello?" again. Your voice sounded so strong.
"Hey, it's me."
"Hey, how was your day?" Small talk. It was the last thing I needed or wanted. I missed you. I missed coming home to you and making you dinner or coming home to you cooking something yummy. I missed cuddling up on the couch in my work clothes while you talked about your day. I missed everything.
"Can I see you tonight?"
"Wh-ummm, yeah...?"
"You don't sound very sure?" My teasing flew right over your head.
"Yes! Yes you can." I rubbed my feet up and down the leg of the coffee table, giving you time to catch yourself. "Maybe we can go out or-"
"I want to come to the house. I can be there in an hour."
"O-okay." I smiled at the surprise in your voice. "I'll see you soon then."
"Yes. Very soon. Bye Jess." I hung up before you could answer. I know that I didn't give you time to cook, clean up the house or do anything to prepare for my visit but you'd only be wasting your time.
When I stepped out of Sarah's guest bedroom I heard her whistle. I grinned and tapped my way to the closet for my coat and purse in my heels.
"You look hot."
"Thank you." I wore a red dress and red strappy heels. My legs were soft and shiny and my hair was left hanging down my back. Knowing that I'd forget to wash it off later after I got there, I kept my makeup light. You always thought that women who had on another face over their real faces looked like porn stars anyway.
"You're going to give her a heart attack." I laughed as I shrugged into my coat.
"I certainly hope not. That would just ruin all of my plans." Her entire face softened and she jumped from the couch and hugged me. It was so sudden that I didn't even have time to raise my arms and hug her back. She let go a moment later with teary eyes. "Aww, Sarah..."
"No! I'm okay! I'm just so happy."
She was too much. I kissed her cheek and told her not to wait up for me. "As if I ever do." She huffed and wondered back into the living room.
I listened as you knocked your foot against the table in the hallway, cursed and came scrambling to the door. When you opened the door your irritation and pain melted away.
"Jesus..." I didn't give you any time to complete your prayer. I walked up and planted a kiss on your startled lips. You started to respond immediately but I pulled away and caressed your cheek.
"Hey Jessie."
"Hi." We stood staring at each other in the doorway. I saw you trying to pull together a coherent thought.
"Can I come inside Jessie?"
"Shit! Yeah, of course!" You stepped aside. Your eyes followed me. When I took my coat off, revealing the rest of the dress I heard a gasp behind me. I didn't turn around immediately. I felt your hands at my wrists, tugging the rest of the coat away from me.
I turned around and watched you put it on a hanger and tuck away my purse too. You had on loose jeans and a tank top. Your feet were still bare and I caught the scent of household cleaners around you. I didn't give you any time at all, not that you seemed to be particularly worried about it at the moment.
"Shell, you look so hot." The air thickened around us. The tension was palpable. It pushed against my stomach, creating a burn there that intensified by the way your eyes were gazing all over my body. With a deep breath I stepped closer and pressed another kiss to your mouth then walked away. You stood there for a few seconds then came walking quickly into the living room. "I'm sorry about the mess."
"It's okay, I've seen worse." You grinned bashfully. It actually impressed me how clean you kept the place with me gone.
"Can I get you something to eat?" I shook my head. "Drink?" Another no. I sat on the couch and crossed my legs, very aware of the way the hem of my dress rode up my thighs. You began to tap your feet with your eyes glued to my legs. "Ummm, do you want some music or something?" A slow smile started inside of me as I watched you shift from foot to foot. You are generally a patient woman, except about one thing. You were horny.
"Sit down Jessie." You did, about two feet away. I got on my knees and crept across the couch until I straddled your lap.
"I haven't showered or anything Shell."
"No?" Your hair was soft against my fingers. Your eyes began to shutter close as I raked them through your locks. You released a deep sigh.
"No." I held your cheeks in my palms then ran my thumbs over your full lips. They were warm and trembling.
"Why are you trembling?" You shrugged and bit down on them to stop. My hands ran down and over your tank top until I reached the hem and pulled it up and over your head. Your breasts were pressed down under a tight sports bra. I traced the skin around its edges.
"I miss you Jessie." My eyes began to water as I watched my hands moving over your shoulders and down your arms. "I miss touching you like this and holding you and..."
"I miss you too baby. So damn much. I'm such a fucking fool-"
"Stop. Don't do that anymore." We looked at each other, both of us fighting the feelings inside of us, me losing that fight. I hugged you then pushed back and fused my lips to yours. The kiss was complete, raw and searching for everything; absolution, redemption, comfort, realness...
Your hands weren't touching me and squeezing me the way they usually did when we made love. You were making sure I was there. Your arms were hugging me as if I would fly away if you were to let go. I pulled away and we breathed each other's air.
"I want you to make love to me Jessie." I started to wiggle away, trying to get on my feet but you just hugged me closer and stood. We were in our bedroom in a matter of seconds. You crawled over the bed, pressing into me. Still I kept my legs wrapped around you, pushing my body closer.
Your lips were all over me, my shoulders, my chest, my neck, my face. You pushed the straps of my dress down and kissed the trail of your fingertips. When finally the dress was gone you groaned at what was left. I wore black lace. You're a sucker for black lace.
Even the lace didn't stand a chance when we both needed to feel each other so badly. You moved back over me and I began to unclasp your jeans, tugging away your underwear as I pulled them down your hips.
You kicked them off and pulled off your bra with enough force for me to hear a little tear. When finally I had all of your skin sliding against me I was shaking with a longing that I hadn't felt in a long time. Our tongues were dipping into each other, battling for domination. You straddled my hips and pushed your need into me. I moaned and grabbed your ass. I needed to feel more.
"I love you so much," you murmured into my chest. A moment later you clasped a nipple and began to suck. It drove me up the wall. I was slithering like a snake by the time you switched to the other nipple. Your hands caressed my stomach, fingers idling at my belly button only to dip into the low hairs between my thighs.
I needed them to settle there for the night.
I bit my lips with the first touch. A key sliding into a lock. Now if only you would turn it, open the door...
You swiped over my clit then dipped inside of me curling your fingers in. Your thumb began a slow rhythm over me until I hardened to a painful ball of need beneath you. You began to kiss your way down my body. My thighs were trembling by the time your lips neared your fingers. I looked down and caught you watching the way your fingers moved inside of me. You looked mesmerized until your lips moved closer and kissed my clit. My hips bucked from the bed. Then you sucked me into your mouth and began to roll the flat of your tongue over me.
I was grinding into your face, running my hand through your hair as your mouth and fingers pushed me closer and closer to the edge. When I finally fell, I drifted off into darkness then I saw your face close to mine. The sticky warmth I felt between my thighs made me push you're hips closer. I watched as you began to rub your pussy into me, your face grimacing and pleading for release. You turned into a pillow bringing your ear close to my lips.
"I miss you fucking my thigh like this." You began to tremble. I dipped my tongue into your ear and listened to you orgasm against me. Your wetness coated my thigh and our hips slid slowly until only little jerks and spasms moved over my skin.
One orgasm wasn't enough for you. You usually needed three or four to sleep comfortably but that night you curled your body around me after only one, letting me hold you and soothe away the guilt and shame and anything else hanging onto your conscience.
"We'll work on us Jessie. We'll fix us." You shook and sniffed away your tears. It was the only sound I heard from you. A moment later you were fast asleep.
When I woke up you were pressing soft kissed all over my face. It was still dark outside.
"Jessie."
"Shhh, go back to sleep." You kissed me some more until I started to fall back asleep.
"I forgive you." You paused then resumed your midnight kiss-a-thon. Only every now and then, each kiss was accompanied by a tear drop.
I tried to fight the sleep. I wanted to tell you so many things that night but they'd have to wait until morning. I just let you kiss me back to sleep instead.
THE END. , ' now . Terribly. I don't understand the sentence structure :( Fool that I am. My bad. , old school (?) , , , , kiss-a-thon. Only ,