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The thing about betrayal is...
By Mas
"Don't..." I held up my hand as your mouth opened to form empty words. Just words, all meaningless now. An apology. The last thing that I needed was an apology. "I said don't."
"Shell, baby..."
"Dammit Jessica! Don't you BABY me! Don't you DARE!" I stood up and stormed around the couch needing some barrier from you before my hands obeyed my head and slapped you. They listened to my heart instead and clenched into tight fists. You stood with you hands outstretched. They dropped empty at your sides. I watched the tears fall from your eyes. They fell from the moment you answered your cell phone. They started from the moment I asked you who in the fuck Brie was. I didn't even give you a chance to say hello.
Brie, to my irrational mind, sounded like the name of a whore. A whore, who touched you, kissed you...those soft lips that I touched mere hours ago. My lips. My Jessie.
You were crying but my eyes were dry. I cried myself out before I called you. I cried enough. "How could you Jessica?" My voice was dead, like the rest of me. I saw you moving towards me, but it was as if I watched from the outside. I looked into a future now that could never be, or at the very least the remnants of that future. The plans, the dreams, they were all gone now. Just an empty space as desolate as an abandoned playground.
You touched my hand hesitantly, as if worried I'd fall apart, or hit you. That ax could have swung either was at that moment, but instead I chose to feel you, the old you. The you that didn't break my heart.
"Shelly, I'm so, so, so sorry..." Your broken cries met the silent ones inside of me. I was screaming out in pain, wondering how I was going to love like this again, how I could allow myself to be vulnerable to this again. "I'm so sorry..." You held my face and stepped closer. I felt the strength in your hands. I closed my eyes to their gentleness. You were always consistent in your handling of me. "You are precious baby," you'd say as you settled your solid frame over my body and show me just how precious.
Not precious enough, I thought, as I stood like a woman hypnotized while your hands moved over my stony face. Finally I focused on your eyes again. The dark green orbs were glazed with tears; regret. That was one thing that I prayed to never feel. I should have prayed for you instead.
"Please forgive me? Please?!" I turned my eyes away. How could I watch you beg me? No. I couldn't and wouldn't, so I closed my eyes and let you kiss my cheek, gently, then my neck as you pleaded with broken sobs. I never liked to see you cry but hearing you was just as bad.
I let you walk into me until I collided with the wall that stretched into the hallway and turned into our bedroom. I could walk our hallway without bumping into a table tucked into some corner in the dark. I could be in our home at night and not feel that familiar fear I told you about when we first began dating. I could be at home because I knew that you would be home any second, or I'd know that you were in the basement tinkering around with one of your cameras or tools, or I'd see some reminder of your presence lying around the house.
I wanted to cry at the fact that none of it would belong to "us" anymore. How could it?
"I'm a fool baby...please Shell..." You kiss my eyes as you slowly unbutton my shirt, then your hands begin to shake and I watch your handsome face cloud in fear as you strip me of my clothes. You know that I can't stop you. I never could stop those fingers once they begin unzipping and unclasping. Tonight is no different.
I gasp as I envision your hands unclasping her shirt, pulling down her jeans...or did she wear slacks like some high society woman? The air is locked in my chest and I'm sure it will kill me. "Please Shelly, say something please."
I begin to feel the sting of tears behind my eyes as my chest burns. Did your fingers fuck some high society bitch? The sting turns into a burn. Now I'm burning everywhere.
You're mumbling something into my ear, looking at me earnestly as you hurriedly tear off your clothes. The urgency vibrates around you and your hands search me skin for some life. I'm lost though, drifting in an empty vacuum and hoping that you don't get through, but you do. You always do.
"I love you!" You whisper as you kiss my lips. They part a little and our tongues fuse then tangle in an explosion of need. You move your hands with familiarity over my body. You know my spots, the little touches that set me aflame. I'm gasping beneath you as you pull back looking down at me. It must have been in my eyes, I never did hide my emotions well. The emptiness, you must have seen it, because a moment later your eyes were pouring tears. They splashed on my face, then my neck, creating little rivers to a pillow that was sure to be soaked soon.
I feel those tears on my breasts and I grab your neck as your lips attach themselves to a nipple. They ache for you like they always do. No one else makes them become so aware, so alert...
Will anyone ever do that to them again? Suddenly a deep sadness washes over me and my eyes begin to water.
Your lips find me wet, soaked and needy. Your tongue dives in, begins to move over me. Licking me softly then roughly. Stroking me with sure firm strokes. You never did play around with me. You know how I hate that, being teased. Does she have quirks too? Do you take her like you do me? Did you tongue fuck her too? It's too much. I come quickly and loudly, shoving my pussy into your face as your fingers move inside of me. I come cursing you to hell and yank you up then swiftly plunged my fingers into you. I feel your legs wrap around my thighs as you pant against my lips. I want to punish you, make you hurt too but your hips roll against me in that wanton way that always makes my world shake. I lean into you. Your eyes clear and your hands frame my face.
And then for a moment, that special moment that I love, we share air. The tears fall then.
Did you share her air too?
I kiss you hard as I fuck you until your screams echo against these walls then die down and your hands loosen their hold but still grasp my wrist. I can't help it, I kiss your nose. Your eyes flutter open, they're red and sad. They close a moment later. You told me the first time we made love that you felt loved when I did that. You groan into my neck and I close my eyes as your hands flex against my back with each clenching of your walls.
The wetness seeps onto my fingers and I resist the impulse to slither down your body and feast on you. I'd never be able to tear myself away. We'd never be able to fix this if I do. So I pull the skin above your pulse into my mouth and suck on you hard enough to leave a mark.
You groan and stutter my name as gibberish precedes an orgasm that drags on longer than usual. I grab your hands from around my waist and slide my thigh against your sex. It's slick in a matter of nanoseconds. Even behind the sadness and lust in your eyes I can see you though I don't want too. Your body stretched in release as your hips jerk against me, the scent of our sex filling the room.
I kiss your nose again. Your eyes are closing. I fucked you good and we both know it was wrong. Even so, I kiss your nose, then your eyes, then your cheeks...
That hasn't changed. You are loved and I believe that that's what makes it even more painful.
"I love you." You're fast asleep now. I had to make sure I tired you out. I wouldn't be able to leave with your tears flooding the house, making my exit impossible.
I carefully untangle our limbs as I rise from the bed. My fingers brush over your brow. You grab a pillow and curl around it, almost protectively. I can't ignore the irony.
Forgive you? Impossible, since you need a heart to do that. I left mine broken and scattered at you feet that day. The quiet thud of my key against the hallway table is amplified in the silence.
Forgive you...words...just empty words.