Disclaimer: Please don't use my writing and claim it to be yours, that is just mean. Also, If you are from a place where reading this is illegal, where the heck are you from?? Well if it is illegal for you then I don't know how you made it this far into the sight but let me tell you that it might be wise to leave...shoo... I think that I've covered that so on to the story...
The Start of Ryan, Part 2:
"You calm the storms And you give me rest You hold me in your hands You won't let me fall You steal my heart When you take my breath away Would you take me in take me deeper now
And how can I stand here with you And not be moved by you Would you tell me how could it be Any better than this..."
This person. I had been his everything. I...had. Now I had screwed it all up.
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My parents had just left, my mom trying to hold back tears as she said goodbye to me. Of course she wasn't horribly successful at it. After the car had pulled out of the parking lot I turned and headed back inside.
The brick dorm building looked like many others. In fact, there really was nothing entirely special about it except for the bits of moss that covered the building. Of course there was moss; this is Bellingham, one of the wettest places in the country no doubt. And I LOVED it. I had always loved the rain; perpetual dampness was one of the reasons that the Pacific Northwest was my absolute favorite place in the world.
People were everywhere in the building; parents, kids, even some younger siblings. I could barely make it to my room as I was nearly knocked down by at least three fellow freshmen, two moms and four dads carrying loads of stuff. Stereos, microwaves, suitcases, even the random desktop computer or two all posed as hazards as I bobbed and weaved my way through the maze. I had almost made it successfully too when, as I reached for the doorknob to my room, I was knocked right off my feet and onto my butt. Dazed, I looked up to see a large stack of books and clothes. Somewhere in there must be a person, I thought.
"Oh, sorry dude, I didn't see you there. You okay." The stranger set down his pile of stuff and extended his hand to help me up. It took it and popped up as he helped pull.
"That's...uh...fine. Are you Tom?" I asked realizing that he was reaching to open my door.
"Yeah...you must be Ryan, right?"
"That is definitely me." I replied already feeling wary as I examined him and his stuff. He was tall, and very muscular. He must be an athlete, I thought to myself. Yay a jock, my favorite type of person, I thought sarcastically. Isn't college fun? You get to room with a complete stranger that you may have nothing in common with as, I thought, would probably be the case with Tom whose stuff seemed to consist of athlete posters, old Sports Illustrated issues and a bunch of track suits. This would be interesting.
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My first week had been relatively easy. I didn't have any classes at all, just orientations, club fairs, freshmen activities, etc. It seemed there was always something to do.
The first person that I really clicked with was Megan. She lived in my dorm building on the same floor and we managed to bump into each other at some of the freshmen events. I don't know what it was, but we seemed to click with each other from the very start and started hanging out a lot. We had a lot in common. Both of us were from out of town, we were both taking the same choir and vocal performance class, we both loved to ski, we shared the same passion for coffee and neither of us had any clue as to what we were majoring in. It was nice, to have someone to hang out with when it felt like you were surrounded by strangers.
Tom was not the guy I was going to be hanging out with. That was a fact. It's not that he wasn't nice; he was, in fact, a little too nice. He was kind of a schmoozer; he talked well but there was no substance behind a word he said. In fact, he had managed to talk a girl into coming back to our room -let me emphasize OUR room- and when he got there he had the nerve to tell me to get out. Tell me, not ask if I could leave while he had his dirty sex, he just told me. I left, begrudgingly, and went to find Megan.
When I got to her room the door was open and I could see her struggling to hang some posters up on her wall. I went in and helped hold them up while she reached for the wall tack.
"Thanks for the help." She said. "It's not easy trying to hang shit up when it keeps rolling up on you."
"No problem," I replied.
We both stepped back to see that the poster was tilted at an odd angle that had not been intended, but Megan insisted that she didn't want to bother and that it just added to the quirkiness of her Death Cab For Cutie poster.
"Do you wanna go do something?" I asked, "maybe go get some coffee or hang in the Student Union?"
"I actually can't. You remember that guy that I met at the club fair, Jim or John or something?"
"Uhh, there was a lot of Jims or Johns at the fair, which booth?" I asked.
"The guy from the Green club."
"Oh yeah, the one with the Birkenstocks and the hemp t-shirt." I remembered
"Well he actually asked me out..." If there had been water in my mouth I would have done a spit take it was that hilarious. "Yeah, yeah, I know he was kind of an eco-nerd," she replied, "But I just thought what the hell, I might as well meet as many people as I can. So we're going to some burger restaurant tonight."
"Wow," I replied. I hadn't known Megan that long but I never thought she would be that girl that just goes out for the hell of it. But, honestly, as a freshmen it is true, it helps to try to meet as many people as possible. "You might want to learn his name before you go." I told her.
"Yeah, I thought I'd head out and try to find someone who knew him. But can we hang out later tonight? I can give you the scoop on Captain Granola. Maybe around eleven?" she asked.
"That works." I replied and we both left her room. Megan went downstairs, but I held back, not really knowing where to go. I wish I would have grabbed my computer before I left, but I was pissed at Tom and hadn't thought about it. Now I was stuck with nothing to do.
I thought about heading to the Union building to hang out but decided that it would look lame to be there by myself. Without having remembered walking there I found myself outside of the dorm building on a path to the main square on campus. The paths were dimly lit, but there were plenty of people so there was no reason to feel wary in the dark. I entered the square with its glowing fountain and found myself staring at a campus posting board, one of those places where people could post events, or job listings or even the random guitar lessons flyer. I didn't know why I had come there or even remember what had possessed my feet to walk in this direction but I saw a Starbucks across the square and made a beeline for it.
After I had got my coffee I aimlessly walked around the campus a bit until I was sure that enough time had elapsed for Tom to be done with his fucking (and he was the type that probably didn't take long) and then I turned back toward my dorm building.
"WATCH OUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
That was all I heard as a blur went speeding past my body not only six inches from where I was standing.
"What the HELL?!" I exclaimed as I tried to regain my composure as the adrenaline from the sudden close encounter coursed through my veins. I looked over to see some blur of a kid on a skateboard making a gigantic circle back toward where I was trying to catch my breath. I was livid; was this guy trying to kill me?!
"Are you okay?" the blur asked as it returned back to where I was though this time considerably slower.
"Am I okay?! NO! You nearly RAN...ME...OVER! Are you trying to crash into people or are you just completely inept?!" the rage in my voice even surprised me and as the blur rolled over and came to a stop in front of me, I started to feel like an ass.
It was just a kid. A young teenage boy on a skateboard, maybe thirteen or fourteen. He was probably 8 inches shorter than me, with brown hair, and he was thin with the soft skin of a young teen. He was actually really cute.
And it looked like my outburst was about to make him cry. His eyes had begun to water and his chin seemed to quiver a little.
"I'm sorry," he replied, trying to sound as if he didn't care, but really he was close to tears and the façade didn't work. "I wasn't trying to hit you, I just didn't see you."
I was stunned. Something about him stunned me and I felt transfixed to the spot.
"Uh..." I stammered, "Just...try to watch where you're going..." I replied to his apology. I used all my might to turn away but he stayed at the spot and just watched me. "And wear a helmet." I called over my shoulder as I began to walk away. After I had walked twenty or so paces I heard the sound of the wheels on top of the cement again and knew he was his way.
That was the first time I met Chris.
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It was not the last.
Somehow he managed to keep showing up on campus. He would come rolling by me sporadically without any warning. At first it freaked me out, I think skateboards are way too dangerous for riders and innocent pedestrians, but I grew accustomed to hearing him approach and when I did I would turn back to watch him roll towards me. I don't think that he knew it was me, though, because he never seemed to acknowledge that I was there. Or he might have been upset that I had yelled at him that one time. I felt bad about it, I really did.
I wanted to call out to him whenever he came by, but I was afraid of the fact that I couldn't get him out of my head. What was wrong with me? This was a boy, probably four years younger than me. It seemed weird, but I was consumed by him. I thought about him all the time, wondering why he was always on campus, where he lived, why he always seemed to be passing by me.
Well, one day I finally met him. I was on a bench outside of the Music building killing time in between classes when I saw him coming. I called out to him when he got closer to me.
"Hey" I said as he came past. He looked completely caught off guard and when he turned to see who had called him he almost lost his balance. I watched him recover rather skillfully, but it was also funny to watch. Then he turned around and came back to me.
"Yeah?" he asked trying to seem indifferent, but looking a little intimidated too.
"Oh...nothing...just, you're the kid that always rides around here right?" I asked. Geez that sounded stupid. I really had no idea what to say. What had motivated me to get his attention?
"Yeah...and you're the guy that likes to yell at me, right?" he responded.
"Oh, uh...sorry about that. You just caught me off guard then, and I was already having a crap day. I'm sorry I took it out on you," I apologized to him.
"Well it's okay. Thanks for...you know...apologizing." He stammered out. "I gotta go."
"Okay, I'll see you around then?" I asked, "What's your name?"
He pondered his answer for a bit then, deciding there was no harm in telling me he responded.
"Chris. You?"
"I'm Ryan" I extended my hand "nice to meet you."
He reached his hand out to meet my outstretched one. We shook hands; and it felt electric. Like some energy was coursing though us. I could tell that he had felt it too because he paused once he took my hand and seemed absorbed for a few, long seconds. I was absorbed, his hand was smooth and soft, it felt god in mine, like it belonged there. I looked up at him and once again noticed his perfect face and our eyes met. I felt like I could lose myself in those brown eyes.
"I'm glad to meet you," I told him while still staring.
"Yeah me too," he replied and with that we let go of each other's hands and he turned to leave. He seemed a bit struck.
"See you around," I said as he went to leave, and then added, "and get a helmet," since I noticed that his head was still unprotected, and it would be a shame to damage such a beautiful
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I saw him a couple of more times after that. He would come riding through the campus and it seemed as if I was always there at the right time. He would get off of his skateboard and walk over to me just to say hi and we might talk for a little bit about nothing in general; once we even went to get coffee at the Starbuck's on campus. I told him that coffee was one of my great pleasures in life and that that coffee shop was always a good bet to find me. We never really talked in depth when together, in fact, I still had no idea how old this kid was. One thing was for sure, though. I was really beginning to like him. In fact I liked him a lot. I tried not to let on around him, though, since I couldn't be sure how he would react.
I got the impression that he was gay. His voice had a bit of a feminine lilt to it and I could always catch his eyes wandering whenever a good looking college guy would walk by. But as time passed on and I saw him more, I noticed that the glances all seemed to be aimed my way. He would try to hide it but I could always tell, you just know whenever you're being watched.
I was thinking about this conclusion of his orientation as I walked from the library, which I had made an unscheduled stop at this afternoon, back to my dorm. As I passed through the square, I could see a group of guys standing at the opposite end of it clearly gathered around something. I noticed as I walked closer that there was three of them, and I could see that Tom was one of them. I wondered what they were all standing around until I got closer...and I could hear them.
"What's wrong you little fag, don't wanna get up? Come on and grab your board," taunted Tom as he held a skateboard above his head. It was Chris's skateboard. "Come on you little cock-sucker, get up and get it!"
I ran the rest of the distance between us, all the time thinking that I was going to kill Tom for messing with this boy, my boy. When I got there I saw Chris cut up, bleeding and cowering on the ground, his small, scared body dwarfed by those of the bigger men, all athletes. I shoved my way into the middle of them.
"What the Hell do you think you're doing Tom?!" I was livid and wanted to knock him out right there. "Just what the hell are you thinking picking on a kid?!"
"We were just messing with the little queer. Trying to show him how real men act." He tried to laugh it off.
"Get away from him!" I barked back at him.
"Oh yeah... and what are you gonna do about it?" he tried to intimidate me but we were so close to the same size that it didn't work, and his friends seemed to have backed away instead of defending him.
"You wanna find out? Now leave!" Something about the look in my eyes must have scared the shit out of him because after an inaduible snide comment he turned and left. I was like a lion defending a cub, and it was all I could do to keep from running him down right there. Instead I turned to Chris, still on the ground.
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-Xan
Thanks for reading and a new post will follow shortly. Sorry that this one is a little mysterious but, as always, time will reveal more. Any comments, questions or feedback feel free to send them to xan.edwards2009@gmail.com. I appreciate all of them, I really do, but it is hard to reply to all.