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Tuck It Easy -*- Copyright 2001 by Ellen Hayes.
Any resemblance between the writings in this work, and any actual persons or places, living or dead, are purely coincidental, except when used for satirical purposes.
This work contains adult situations, adult language, adult concepts, and possibly sex. If you are legally not allowed to read materials containing such things, then you will be breaking the law by reading this. I am not responsible. Continuing to read this document, or storing it or reproducing it in any format means that you explicitly affirm that you are legally allowed to possess and read such materials in your city, county/parish, state, and country.
All rights reserved. See the bottom for distribution rights.
Tuck It Easy
*** 06:00 8 Jul
When the alarm went off, I rolled over and slapped it into silence, and rolled back before I smelled Susan. I opened my eyes, and she was lying in bed with me, with an arm holding her head up as she watched me.
"What?" I asked suspiciously, after nothing happened.
"I just wonder about you sometimes," she said, in a neutral voice.
*** 06:50 8 Jul
I was going to wear something nice, because Travis was going to come over about the time I usually got off work and we would go do something. Then I remembered what I would be doing all day, and decided to bring something nice I could change into in ten minutes, and wear something more practical for the rest of the day.
So, it was a pair of short-alls and a T shirt for me now, and a sundress and sandals and so on for later, plus an overshirt in case it got cool or rained. Rain was a definite possibility today.
*** 08:20 8 Jul
"Well... maybe... how about a park?" I suggested to the three of them. I was in the mood for something different myself, anyway.
"Oh cool!" two of them said, and the third one nodded.
*** 09:02 8 Jul
And they got to run around like lunatics while I watched the baby and our stuff. I sighed. This babysitting stuff sucked sometimes.
*** 11:31 8 Jul
Stella and I were laying down on my wool army blanket in the shade of a large tree. I was reading, while Stella lay against me and 'played' with a teething ring and most of her body parts in strange ways. She had been crawling like she was in a hands-and-knees marathon, but had finally tired. Which was good, because I was tired of catching her hand before she could eat something that wasn't in her diet. Like dirt. Or leaves. Or rocks. Or a stick. Or a bug. Or a bottlecap. Or Ghu only knew what.
I could understand why kids took naps all the time; I just didn't understand why parents weren't allowed to nap at the same time.
"Br-br-br-br-b-b-b-b-fuuuuh," she said, and I looked up, but she was more interested in putting her fist in her mouth. I sighed, and I would have worried, except I decided that if she did swallow it, that I could pull it back out.
*** 12:14 8 Jul
"Can we go to McDonalds?" Ricky asked.
I sighed. I started to say, "Guys, I'd rather-" but I was drowned out by a chorus of groans and wails. Which set Stella off, which meant they weren't going anywhere pleasant until she calmed down. Although, with the clouds thickening like it looked like they were, I'd almost be willing to go to McDonalds soon, just to stay out of the coming rain.
*** 12:32 8 Jul
"Then you guys have to be nice to me for the rest of the day," I told them.
"Like, what does that mean?" Ricky asked.
"You stop arguing, you don't whine when I ask you to do something, that kind of thing."
"But we do that nowwwwww!" Davy whined.
"Then it shouldn't be that hard, should it?" I snapped at him.
*** 17:46 8 Jul
I sighed as Travis pulled up in front of the house. Well, his truck. Ka---THOOM went my heart. "Could I change in the downstairs bathroom?" I asked Miz Parker, trying not to gasp.
"Well, sure," she said. "Going somewhere tonight?"
"Yeah... Travis said he wanted to go out to dinner, so..." I took my bag into the bathroom and shut and locked the door. I wanted to bang my head for a while, but it would be too audible in here.
*** 17:50 8 Jul
I hadn't had time to take a shower, but I did have time to freshen my makeup, and change clothes of course. At least the rain had stopped outside. I hoped that would be good enough, as I opened the door to the bathroom and-
"Oh!" There he was, talking to Miz Parker; I'd almost run full-tilt into both of them.
"Hey," Travis rumbled, and Miz Parker smiled at me and complimented me on how nice I looked, which Travis did also a moment later.
"Um, thanks," I managed to mumble out, not sure which of them to look at.
"Ready?" Travis asked, and I nodded emphatically.
"Where you going?" asked Ricky, who was staring at me. Naturally, I didn't want to deal with any more problems, so he wandered up and gave me a few. "Someplace nice? How come you wouldn't take us someplace nice?"
"What? You wanted McDonalds!" I snapped at Ricky.
"Well, you coulda suggested something else!" he snapped back at me. Then he started running, because I was chasing him. I stopped when he had disappeared, and I started walking back to the adults. When I heard pseudo-stealthy small sneakers approaching again, I rapidly stomped my feet several times, and they ran off again.
*** 17:51 8 Jul
"Hi," I said, glad to be away from most of the eyes that had been on me. The two hardest ones, of course, were standing about a foot above me. And looking at me.
"Hi," Travis grinned at me. "How was your day?"
"I hate children," I smiled back. "How was yours?"
"I hate everyone," he said back.
We laughed.
"So where did you want to go eat?" he asked.
"Oh, I dunno, anyw- something light," I remembered.
"Are you on a diet again?"
"No! I am just, like, still full from this weekend!"
"Tell me more about this, I want to hear it again," Travis said.
*** 18:13 8 Jul
"So are you hungry?" he asked me. "'Cause I am."
"Oh! Um, sure, yeah... where did you want to go?" I looked at my watch and I was astonished how late it was. Well, it wasn't that late, but I didn't think we'd been standing out talking for twenty minutes.
He was mumbling, and when I looked up, he looked sort of sheepish. "Promise you won't laugh?" he asked me.
"No," I said with certainty. "Tell me anyway." He blinked several times at that. "Come on, tell me," I asked.
"Uh- well, remember I never had Chinese food until that night you took me out?"
I chuckled as I remembered that night. "Yeah, I do."
Eventually, he admitted, "Well, I sort of wanted to try it again, but none of my friends would go, so I was wondering if maybe you would go with me, and tell me what everything is?"
"Sure!"
*** 18:49 8 Jul
It had been hard to get there, in the traffic, but at least the restaurant itself wasn't that crowded. And Travis had been driving his Suburban, which meant it wasn't me that was all freaked from the assassination attempts. "Two, please?"
"Right tis way," the hostess said in Chinese-restaurant-English, which was sort of a pidgin.
*** 19:28 8 Jul
"What are you looking at?" Travis asked.
I'd been looking at him. "Oh, nothing... something on the wallpaper," I lied. He smiled at me.
*** 20:17 8 Jul
"I think I'm starting to like this," he smiled at me.
"Good," I said sincerely.
We got to the register, and Travis pulled out his wallet. "My treat," he insisted. I thought about arguing, then decided against it since he'd already given them money.
Instead, when we walked outside, I waited for him to let go of the door, and then I kissed him. On the lips. He looked surprised. "Thank you for dinner," I told him, smiling.
"You didn't have to do that," he told me. He wasn't smiling.
"But, I wanted to?" I said, letting go of him and wondering how I'd done wrong this time.
"You did?" he asked.
"Yes! I mean, you didn't make me or anything," I reminded him. "Is it okay, I mean, I assumed you wanted to kiss me or wouldn't mind if I kissed you, or-"
"No, I don't mind," he admitted. "I just thought..."
He thought silently.
I couldn't stand it eventually so I asked, "What did you think?"
He shook his head. "I dunno, I'm not sure what I was thinking," he elaborated. "But, I mean, you don't owe me anything for dinner."
"Except another dinner later," I teased him.
"No," he said seriously, like he didn't understand I was teasing him. "I mean, it was just dinner, okay? No strings."
"Okay," I allowed gently.
We stood there for a while.
"Think about it, Tuck," said Mike's voice, and I almost looked around for him.
Travis was still looking at me, a little confused and wary. Another kiss would...
Mike was right, I had to think about this.
"Travis?"
"Yeah?"
"Could we take a walk, for a while? I... I want to think about some stuff."
"Sure," he said, and stuck out his arm.
*** 20:27 8 Jul
I'd taken his arm, so to speak, for a while, but it was too distracting, so I pulled my arm out of his (so to speak) and we walked around in silence.
And I'd thought.
Travis was a nice guy, and I sort of liked him as a friend. He understood a lot of things I said, and I understood most of what he said, so it was like we were speaking the same flavor of English, which was kind of rare.
On the other hand, of course, I was friends with several guys, and kissing them hadn't really been in the decision tree.
Why Travis?
Well...
I didn't want to think about it too much, but I had to; being with Travis had become a sexual turn-on like Debbie had never been. Just TOUCHING him sent some kind of signal through my body. Kissing him was an instant out-of-body experience.
I shivered, thinking about it. This was why I couldn't think and link arms with him at the same time. I wasn't too good at thinking around him anyway, but at least if he was right next to me, like he was, I couldn't pretend like nothing had happened.
It hadn't been like this before. I don't know what changed, but something had... maybe it was Debbie, flushing me and our relationship down the toilet back in L.A., maybe it was something else. I mean, kissing him had been nice, once I got over the fear of him kissing me... which I didn't understand, now. What had I been afraid of?
Maybe this. Maybe I had been afraid I'd like it. I dunno.
But, anything dealing with him had gotten a lot more potent than it had been in the past.
So what did that make me?
I still wasn't sure.
Debbie had hurt me, a lot, and girls previously - so long ago - hadn't been that interested in me either. For anything. Now, I had a bunch of girl friends of one sort of another, and even my own sister had transformed from a demonically-possessed psychopath into something that was almost a human being. I didn't even know if I still found girls interesting in the usual boy-girl way; I had more of them around me than I could handle, sometimes, and they didn't feel it necessary or even desirable to limit it down by claiming me. I did like girls, I was sure of that... I just wasn't quite sure what I liked them AS.
And Travis fell into an entirely different category.
I glanced at Travis, and he was concerned, I could tell by his expression, but he wasn't looking impatient or bored or anything. He was still acting like he wanted to be with me, in fact. Like he was concerned that I was thinking this hard, and he wanted to be with me until I finished. Like... like he cared.
And knowing that, was an immense... turn on, I'd almost say, except it wasn't, just by itself. But...
I wanted it. I wanted to be liked. I wanted someone to be interested in me. I wanted someone to listen to me, and talk to me, and not just want me to fix their computers or loan them money or something. I wanted to be with someone who wanted to be with me, who wasn't ashamed of me.
I wanted HIM.
Travis, when I glanced at him again, didn't look like he was worried about being seen walking with me. He had his hands in the pockets of his jeans, and he was looking thoughtful himself, but he wasn't looking around like he was worrying about someone he knew seeing him.
And he looked SO-
I looked down at my feet again and waited for my heart to slow down and my arousal to fade somewhat. This was insane, crazy... Maybe, I realized in this sort of dawn-analogue, maybe this is what all the songs meant. Now I could sort of understand the crazy shit I'd heard about, things people do when they were in love or whatever.
Which kept bringing me back to a rather important problem; what the hell was I going to do about this? He still had the physical capacity to crush me like a soda can; I didn't especially want to scare him with any strange revelations about my biology.
On the other hand, it had worked this long...
And this is the sort of stupid thing they would make songs about, I realized, except this is too stupid even for the Spice Girls.
The faint strains of 'Walking on the Moon' floated towards us, I guess from a stereo shop or a Radio Shack or something. I looked up at Travis, and I guess I couldn't keep from smiling, because he smiled back.
"I may as well play," I sang along, and spun on one foot, then hopped and danced away. Because I'd figured out at least half of the 'core question', that Rachel had said. I did want to kiss him again, again and again and again...
*** 20:37 8 Jul
I put my arm through his again, watching his face for reactions. He looked surprised when I touched him, but when his eyes rose up and met mine, he smiled at me, and asked 'Okay?' with his eyebrows.
I nodded, because it was okay.
"Want to go back to the truck?" he asked out loud.
I nodded again. I'd walked off what I needed to.
Unfortunately, as we strolled along the stores in the strip mall, it started to rain, and long before we made it anywhere near his truck, it was pouring.
"Val, stay here, 'kay?" he told me, and like he'd done before, he dashed out into the storm and disappeared before I could argue with him.
"Trav-" I called after him, way too late. "Damnit!"
*** 20:56 8 Jul
As if it wasn't bad enough that he was soaking wet and I was dry as a bone, he even walked over with an umbrella for me. "Travis!" I complained. "You don't-"
"I wanted to," he said as he stepped up the curb and next to me.
Since that was the exact thing I'd told him when I kissed him earlier, and furthermore he was Looking at me again, I couldn't say anything.
"Valerie?" he said, interrupting my intense study of my shoes, which were also still dry.
I looked up, and he was still Looking at me.
"Stop it," I murmured, unable to keep from smiling as I looked away again.
*** 20:58 8 Jul
By the time he slammed his door shut, I had already dug out the towel from my own pack. "C'mere," I told him as I leaned out of my seat and started to rub his hair.
"Val- What-"
"You're soaking wet," I told him, which I really shouldn't have had to mention, "and you need to dry off."
"Val," he said, grabbing my hands and pulling them and the towel down. "It's okay."
"Travis," I said back, "you are completely WET."
"I noticed!" he said, which I'd wondered.
"So you need-"
"I've been wet before, Val," he rumbled. "I won't melt or mildew."
"Sorry," I said, putting myself back in my seat. "I just..."
"Valerie," he said slowly. I glanced up at him, and he was shaking his head and smiling at the same time. "It doesn't bother me..."
"Well, I just..." I had no idea what I was thinking, so I stopped and looked away. "Sorry," I apologized.
"I could change into something dry," he said, "but these are the only clothes I brought, and we'd have to go home if I wanted to change."
"W-" I started, then I had to think about it. Then I decided he wouldn't do anything at home that he hadn't done in the back of his truck already, and started again, "Well, that's okay."
"My home?" he said, like I hadn't figured he was talking about HIS.
"You'd hardly fit into my little brother's stuff," I told him. Or Dad's, come to think of it. "So where's your place?"
*** 21:19 8 Jul
"Do you have to work tomorrow?" Travis asked as he shut off the engine of his truck.
"Yeah, do you?" He nodded. "Sucks, doesn't it?"
He laughed, before he got the umbrella and got out of the truck and walked around to my side.
I thought he'd take me in the back door of the nice place we'd pulled into the driveway of, but instead Travis led me to the garage and to an outside stairway I hadn't noticed.
*** 21:20 8 Jul
"This is all yours?" I asked.
He shrugged. "I used to have to share it with my brothers, but they left for college, so it's mine now."
"Wow..." I said, looking around. It was small, I guess, but it had a kitchen with a stove and a refrigerator, and I thought there was a bathroom visible, and just the idea of not being in the same building as my parents was enticing.
"It's not that great," he lied, and then he asked, "Want something to drink? I've got, uh..." and he went into the kitchen. I followed, and it was small but adequate, and relatively clean too. At least, the dishes had been washed recently and it didn't smell of garbage. He opened the refrigerator door and continued, "Coke, diet Coke, and some ginger ale. Or I guess you could have milk or water-"
"Ginger ale?" I asked, and he flinched as he turned around. "Sorry, I-"
"I didn't know you followed me," he said before he turned back and pulled a can out of the door.
"Sorry!" I told him as he stood up and turned.
"It's okay," he stressed, "Valerie, really." And he smiled at me.
*** 21:23 8 Jul
I was sipping at the ginger ale and looking around, but there wasn't all that much to see. Sort of like Brian's room, actually, except this was cleaner. Mine had been a lot like this, I guess, except I always had more stuff than I had room for, and so I'd gone vertical a long time ago.
Travis had a small television, an older VCR, and a dinky stereo in the front room, as well as a couple of couches and a coffee table, and a 'computer hutch' against one wall, and that was about it in the way of decorating. He didn't even have any posters up.
"Hey," Travis said as he came out of a smaller bedroom wearing dry clothes and looking like he'd toweled his hair.
"Hi," I said, which felt kind of stupid, but he smiled at me again. "Feels better, huh?" I pressed.
"Yeah," he admitted.
Then he sat down on the same couch I was sitting on.
He said something which I missed, replayed, and guessed was something like 'What do you want to do now?' I said, "I dunno?" That was actually not true.
*** 22:08 8 Jul
We were finally doing what I wanted to do, after spending some time talking about houses and books and other things.
Travis broke the kiss and asked, "Valerie?"
"Mmmm?" I said, not opening my eyes yet.
"What time do you have to go home?"
I thought about it, and eventually said, "About ten thirty."
"It's ten after now," he told me.
"Okay," I said, and tried to kiss him.
"Val, come on," he said as he held me away from him. "I don't want you to get into trouble."
I opened my eyes and looked at him, and he looked serious.
*** 22:20 8 Jul
"Wanna do something this weekend?" I asked him as he held the umbrella so I could get into my car. I hoped Ricky wasn't watching from one of the windows; he'd ask questions I didn't want to answer.
"Yeah, I'll, uh, page you, or you can call me, but, like, before eleven this time?"
"I'm-" I started to say, but he laughed and patted me on the shoulder.
"It's okay, really, Val," he said.
Since it was okay, really, I put my arms around his neck and pulled him down for a last kiss.
*** 22:21 8 Jul
The problem with kissing him is that it made me dizzy after a very short time.
"Drive careful, okay?" Travis said, and I nodded mutely, and he shut my door for me, and I guess he got back in his truck. He certainly didn't move until I started my car and drove off; he blinked his headlights then.
*** 23:09 8 Jul
I sighed as I waited for Brian to get out of the bathroom. It would be SO nice to have a place of my own... Of course, he said he shared it- I never knew he had any brothers, I realized. Hmmm. I wished we hadn't stopped kissing as soon as we did, but I sort of realized that if it had been four hours later, I'd probably feel the same way. God, he made me feel good.
*** 06:00 9 Jul
The alarm's blaring startled me more than usual. Part of that was that I was still in last night's clothes. I guess I fell asleep, I realized. Did Brian EVER come out of the bathroom?
A quick check showed that he had at some point, so I went in and shut the doors and proceeded to start my own morning.
*** 07:54 9 Jul
"Did you and Travis have fun last night?" Miz Parker asked as she opened her blouse to feed Stella.
I think I blushed, but I told her, "Yeah, we did. Can you believe, he never ate Chinese food until we went on a date?"
"Really?" she smiled.
*** 07:59 9 Jul
"So you really like him?" Miz Parker asked.
I went completely red at that, and I couldn't look at her or anything, but I managed to nod eventually.
"Well, he's a nice young man," she said, like she knew. "I know his mother, and she talks about him sometimes."
"Really? Like, what does she say?"
*** 08:02 9 Jul
"Mom! I w-" Ricky came running into the kitchen. "Oh, Val," he said, then he turned to his mother. "Mom can you fix Jello today, please?"
"Jello?" we both asked at the same time.
*** 12:09 9 Jul
Which is why we had Jello along with sandwiches for lunch.
Kids were weird, I had decided. Even Stella, who was trying to eat Jello but not doing so well. She seemed to be having motor control problems. I was SO glad I'd thought about this before I let the kids eat, because I'd made them eat outside, and all I'd need to do to clean up was maybe hose the table off.
*** 19:11 9 Jul
The network blipped several times as a succession of packets made their way through the deliberately twisted routing, and then ended up sitting in my mail spool. A quick glance said it was Dad reminding me I had therapy this weekend, and requesting a return-mail when I'd read it. Oh joy, joy.
On the other hand, Mom would have had to physically talk to my face to remind me; this was much easier.
I sent him the traditional GIF of two rhinoceroses screwing by way of acknowledgement. There was etiquette to be followed, after all.
*** 20:07 9 Jul
I couldn't stand it any more, and Amy was out with Susan, so I called Travis' house.
It rang three times, and I was trying to think of what to say to his answering machine when it picked up and said, "Hello?"
"Uh, hi," I scrambled, "this is Valerie, it's eight in th-"
"Valerie?" his voice asked.
I guess it was really him and not Memorex.
"Hi?"
"Hey, how was your day?" he asked, like he cared how my day was.
*** 22:12 9 Jul
"Valerie?"
"Uh huh?"
"Don't you ever get tired?"
"Huh? Sometimes, wh-" Maybe he's tired, I thought. "Are you tired?"
"Yeah, kinda," he said. "Don't you have to work tomorrow?"
"Yeah, I work like weekdays, like you," I told him to show that I'd been paying attention.
"What time do you get up?"
*** 22:23 9 Jul
"Valerie?"
This sounded familiar. "Um..." Oh, that was it. "You're tired and you want to go to bed?"
He eventually admitted, "Yeah."
"Okay. Um..."
"Want me to page you tomorrow?" he asked, after I couldn't think of anything useful to say for a while.
"Yeah, would you?"
"Yeah, I will."
We sat there, silent on the phone, and I TRIED to think of something to say, but I couldn't.
"Val?"
"Yeah?"
He chuckled. "Maybe we should both go to bed?"
"Yeah, okay... um, g'night?"
"Goodnight," he said.
I couldn't stand it any more after three seconds, so I slammed the disconnect switch. "Oh, Jesus... how can he always make me feel like a moron?" I asked the ceiling.
*** 06:00 10 Jul
I hit the snooze button on the alarm clock and wished I could sleep in today. I was so tired.
*** 06:09 10 Jul
I hit the snooze button, then thought better of it and pushed myself out of bed. It hurt.
*** 14:46 10 Jul
"Can we come in and watch cartoons?" Gary asked me.
"Well, yeah, sure, as long as you guys dry off... why wouldn't I let you?" He shrugged.
*** 15:06 10 Jul
They were watching stupid cartoons, so I was playing with Stella instead. It was kind of sad, actually; I preferred being with an infant that couldn't talk, to the kids, sometimes.
Stella reached out and grabbed my bra and tried to pull it off from the front. "What the-" I managed to cut off the rest of the sentence, but it hurt, and Stella was giggling as she pulled on my clothes. "Let GO you little slug," I told her, and pried her fingers loose. She grabbed on to my hands and pulled herself up on top of her legs. And she was standing upright.
"Whoa!" I said, surprised. That must've surprised her too, because she let go and then plopped right back down on her butt. The second time she reached for my bra, though, I was ready, and I blocked her.
*** 17:07 10 Jul
My pager started buzzing, so I looked at it, and it was some number I didn't recognize at all.
I made sure the kids were in a reasonably stable arrangement, which this time was watching television, versus, say, beating each other up, and I went to go call it.
"Hello?" said a voice.
"Um... this is Valerie, someone paged me from this number?" I really REALLY hated making blind calls from pager data.
"Wh- oh, yeah, hold on a minute." Whoever it was put the phone down, and I could hear some noise before someone picked it up again.
"Valerie?" asked Travis.
"Oh! Hi! What'sup?"
"I just thought I'd call, see what was up with you."
"Uhhh... Still sitting, but I should get off in about half an hour or so... wanna do something tonight?"
"Uh, well, I gotta do some stuff at home tonight, sorry," he apologized.
"Oh. Well, that's okay, I guess... Friday is still on, right?"
"Oh yeah, yeah. I just wanted to call you before I got caught up in stuff. I might not be able to talk tonight."
"Oh, okay..."
About the time I was getting desperate, Travis said, "Val?"
"Yeah?"
"Do you always have problems hanging up the phone?" he asked me.
"What? No!" Dork. "Um, I'll talk to you tomorrow, then, okay?"
"G'night Val," he said.
"Good night," I said, and I managed to hang up the phone.
*** 17:09 10 Jul
I looked up, and three small boy faces were staring at me.
"Why," Gary finally asked, "are you sitting on the floor and banging your head into the cabinet?"
I opened my mouth to tell them, then I thought better of it, then I couldn't think of what else to tell them.
Finally, though, I said, "It's a girl thing. You wouldn't get it."
All three of them looked sour at that, which made me feel better.
*** 20:20 10 Jul
The phone flashed, so I stopped playing synth, checked Arrakis for the cross-reference with the Caller ID - it was Sabrina's house - and flicked the hook switch on the pickle. "Hello?"
"Hey, Val? It's Sabrina," which I'd already guessed.
"Whatsup?"
"Sleepover this weekend?"
"Yeah. I'll, uh, I'll try not to have a party instead, this time." She chuckled.
*** 21:17 10 Jul
"OW! Shitshitshitshitshit," I mumbled, dancing around the tub with my eyes squeezed tightly shut. I'd WANTED to shave my legs to make sure I'd look nice for Travis, and so of COURSE I'd cut the bejeezus out of myself.
This is revenge for all the times you laughed at Susan when it happened to her, I realized. That didn't help either.
*** 21:28 10 Jul
Susan looked up at me, from where she was cleaning blood off my leg. "You know, this is like kar-"
"I know I know!" I complained. "Would you just get the blood off? Please?"
"Chill out, would you?" she bitched back. Then she said in a more normal tone, "Man, you did a job on yourself, didn't'cha?"
I think I moaned as my insides fluttered between dimensions.
*** 23:06 10 Jul
I turned on the water and stepped into the shower, and it was only then that I realized that there were thousands, MILLIONS of razor blades in the bathtub and they were slicing my flesh into little strips even as I looked down they were still cutting from my weight pushing against the molecular blades-
My feet disintegrated, the rainbow edges coming through the skin on the top, and I lost my balance as my feet disappeared and I didn't WANT to throw my hands out in front of me as I fell but I did anyway-
*** 23:08 10 Jul
Susan kept telling me it was alright, that it was just a bad dream, but I had to keep touching my feet to make sure they were still there.
"Susan?" asked Dad's voice from the hallway.
"It's Tuck, he just had a nightmare," she answered quietly.
After a while, he asked, "Tuck? You okay?"
I swallowed, and I tried to sound normal, but I didn't when I said, "Uh huh."
"It's okay, Dad," Susan said. "He'll be okay in a bit." I nodded against her chest.
*** 23:14 10 Jul
"Susan?" I asked.
Eventually, she mumbled, "Yeah?"
"You don't have to do this if you don't want to," I told her.
"S'easier to sleep if you're not having nightmares."
"I'm SORRY, Susan, it's not like I have them on purp-"
She put a finger over my mouth. "Did I say it was your fault or that you were doing it on purpose? No," she answered herself. "But it is easier... and I feel guilty if you have them and I don't help."
"Really?"
"A little," she qualified. "But it's not that big a deal. Especially any more."
"Why not?"
She shrugged into the pillows. "You're not the asshole you used to be, I guess," she said smilingly.
"Uh, thanks?" Definitely a backhanded compliment if I'd ever heard one.
She chuckled, then stroked soft fingers across my forehead and said softly, "Go to sleep, bro."
I rolled over and snuggled backwards against her. She draped an arm over me, and that's how I went to sleep.
*** 06:19 11 Jul
"Tuck?" Susan asked as I came back in my room, scrubbing at my now-clean wet hair with a towel. She was sitting up in bed and staring at me with sort of a glazed look.
"What'sup?" I asked back.
"Can I ask you a really personal question?"
Uh oh. "Um... yeah, but I might not answer it."
She ignored that. "Do you have morning erections?"
"Do what? Sometimes, I guess, if I'm aroused or something," I answered, more puzzled.
"No, I mean... Most guys wake up with erections in the morning, just because, whether they're aroused or not. I wondered if you did."
"No."
She shrugged. "Just wondered."
"Why?"
"'Cause of the way we woke up," she said casually, like she was used to waking up with people's faces stuffed in her cleavage. I sort of wondered how I'd been able to breathe like that.
*** 06:39 11 Jul
I wondered what I should wear.
*** 07:56 11 Jul
I'd remembered in time that I still had to babysit, so I was wearing something almost disposable to work, and I hoped I'd have enough time to change before he got here.
Which is why I didn't completely explode when Ricky ran through the kitchen and slammed into me while I was carrying an open jar of strawberry jam. I should have known better, anyway, but I'd wanted to make sure it was still good, since the expiration date on the lid was a while ago. I guess having the lid on wouldn't have done any good in the end, though.
It certainly wasn't any good now.
*** 07:58 11 Jul
"Val-!" came a strangled gasp from the doorway. I looked over, and it was Miz Parker, holding Stella and looking kind of strange.
"Oh, hi," I said, then I pointed at the floor. "I'll have it cleaned up in a couple of minutes. Don't come in yet, though, 'cause I'm not sure I got all the glass up yet."
I turned to get some cleaning stuff, but when Miz Parker asked, "Valerie?" in a VERY strange sounding voice, I turned back around.
"What?" I prompted.
*** 07:59 11 Jul
"Noooo, ma'am, if I'd been bleeding that much, I'd have been on the floor. I hate seeing my own blood," I told her honestly.
*** 08:05 11 Jul
I'd completely forgotten that I had a spare set of clothes in the car from one of the times I went shopping with Ricky. But I did, thank goodness, and even better, Miz Parker said I should wash my stuff, so as soon as it was done I could change back out of this nice dress and into my 'fatigues' again.
Maybe, I realized, that's why they call 'em 'fatigues', because you get so tired whenever you wear them, because of all the stuff you're doing. That made as much sense as anything else.
In any case, I wanted to get out of nice clothes around the boys and Stella as quickly as I could, because I knew it was tempting Fate, and I never liked her attention on me.
*** 08:07 11 Jul
"What are you making this morning?" Miz Parker asked.
"Well, I was thinking waffles," I told her as I looked in her pantry. "And some sausage and eggs." I looked back at her. "Is that okay?"
"Oh, of course," she said, looking distracted. Maybe Stella was sucking too hard or something.
I shrugged and went back to gathering ingredients. She had some whole-wheat flour, and I thought I could use that if I remembered how the scratch recipe went.
*** 08:08 11 Jul
"Hello?" Dad said, with Duran Duran playing in the background.
"Hey, Dad?"
"What's wrong?"
I sighed. "Don't be such a pessimist. Can you look something up on the house files?"
"What?"
"Pancake mix from scratch," I told him.
"You're fixing stuff like that for THEM, and I don't get any?"
"Dad!" I complained. "If you want to get up at six like the rest of us working stiffs, then I'd consider it. Besides, THEY are paying me for this, remember?"
"Speaking of this next Sunday," he said, and I sighed.
*** 08:10 11 Jul
I hung up on Dad with relish. "God what a d-" Miz Parker was still there, and smiling at me, so I cut myself off. "Um."
"Did you get the recipe?" she asked, which I don't believe is what she was thinking.
"Uh, um... he's gonna cut and paste it to the paging software, actually," I told her, and went to get the pager out of my pack.
After a couple of minutes, it buzzed, and the first half of the instructions came through. "See?" I said as I showed it to her.
"Wow... Valerie?" she asked.
"Huh?"
"Would you mind if I stayed for breakfast?"
"Uh, no, that's okay... why would I mind?" She shrugged. "No, it's cool... Are you going to stay for lunch, too?"
"Ummmmmmm," she wavered. "What were you fixing?"
I chuckled. "What do you want?"
*** 12:17 11 Jul
We'd turned out a cross between enchiladas and stir-fry that tasted delicious, and I was debating simply running off with Miz Parker, Stella, and the food and letting the whiny brats starve, because they were staring at their plates like the food was moving.
"No, please, don't eat any of it," I told them when I could clear my mouth. "That's more for us. You children can have sandwiches or something." Miz Parker glanced at me curiously.
Gary and Ricky got into a whispered argument, while Davy cut some off with his fork, sniffed at it, then put it into his mouth.
"Nnnn!" he said, and the other two boys stopped and looked at him as Davy went for a second bite, and a third, and a fourth...
"Darnit," I sighed, and went back to eating mine.
*** 13:10 11 Jul
"How come that reverse psychology trick never works when I try it?" Miz Parker asked me as I ran water to wash dishes.
"I honestly don't know," I told her. "Maybe it's 'cause I'm a lot younger than you, so I don't look 'grownup' to them yet? And then they don't expect me to try and trick them?" I shrugged.
"But then I think you'd have problems telling them to be quiet and things like that," she pointed out.
"We established my authority a loooong time ago," I grinned.
She gave me the Eye of Parental Inquiry, then decided she'd be happier not knowing, and turned the glare off again.
*** 14:08 11 Jul
They wanted badly to go swimming, which sounded like a good idea, so I changed into my suit, changed Stella into something that would work well enough for a bathing suit, and we all went swimming.
I checked my watch, and it was a little less than four hours until Travis and I went out. I'd live.
*** 17:42 11 Jul
Miz Parker came in the door, and I waved at her. "Um, Miz Parker?"
She looked at me, and I guess the bundle of clothes I was holding gave her a clue. "Going out with Travis tonight?" she asked, and I nodded. "And you need to go change," she stated, and I nodded again. "Okay, I'll take over."
"Thank you!" I said sincerely, and dashed for the downstairs bathroom.
*** 17:58 11 Jul
When I came out of the bathroom, Travis was inside and chatting with Miz Parker and the boys. He turned when I came out and waved at me. I felt kind of weak in the knees, but maybe that was overheating from all the stuff I'd been doing in the un-ventilated bathroom.
*** 18:14 11 Jul
I hadn't realized it would be quite so tortuous to make small talk with all of them when all I wanted to do was leave, but it was. At least now we were walking out to his Suburban.
"How was your day?" he asked.
"Oh it was okay," I said. "Except for the strawberries."
*** 18:20 11 Jul
"Where's your sister?" he asked me.
"Sus-" Oh, wrong one. "Amy?"
"No, the other one," he said. "Susan?"
"You haven't met Susan," I told him. Then, "Wait-"
He laughed at me while I blushed and wondered I could have been so stupid. "Amy's not your sister," he eventually informed me.
"No," I admitted.
"But Susan is, right?" he pushed.
"Yeah, Susan's my real sister, but like I said, you haven't met her yet."
"And Amy is?"
"No she isn't," I sighed.
He gave me a look. "No, I mean, what is Amy?"
"Oh. My cousin, off my mom's side," I said when I understood what he was talking about.
"Why did she say you two were sisters?"
I didn't remember her saying it; I thought it was me. "Um, well, we do kind of look alike, and she thought it would be funny..."
*** 18:24 11 Jul
"So where were we going?" I asked him.
"Teller's?" he asked. "It's a-"
"Oh man!" I interrupted accidentally. "That is so cool!"
"I guess you heard of it," he grinned.
"Yeah," I admitted, "it's really nice but..." I changed my mind before I said it, which was a nice change from the usual order.
"What?" Travis asked me eventually.
"I was going to say, I can't afford it, but that was before I had a regular job."
"Val, you don't-"
"I want to, sometimes. I don't want you spending all your money on me." And thinking that all the investment had to pay off at some point.
Then again-
"Valerie," he said, and then he stopped, and smiled at me. I had to look away. "Come on, let's go eat."
My pager buzzed, so I shut it off.
*** 20:11 11 Jul
"Travis?"
"Hmm?"
"Um, I gotta go to the ladies' room, I'll be back in a bit, okay?"
"Okay," he said, then he grinned. "Have fun in there."
"Right," I smirked.
*** 20:14 11 Jul
After I re-brushed my hair, powdered my nose and chin again, and applied some more lipstick, I looked at myself in the mirror. I didn't look that bad, I decided. At least nothing was out of place, and I hadn't spilled any food on my clothes or anything like that.
*** 20:17 11 Jul
"So what do you want to do now?" Travis asked as he plopped some cash down on top of the bill.
"I dunno..." I told him, still smiling. Maybe the smile made me look stupid, but he wasn't laughing.
He just smiled back. "Want some dessert?"
I thought about it. "Maybe a little? Maybe I could share one with you?"
"There's a dessert place near here, and they have jazz too," he said, not quite answering the questions.
I decided I didn't really need answers to the questions I'd asked, so instead I gave him, "Where?"
*** 20:26 11 Jul
There was a little coffeeshop and they did indeed have some jazz playing. I smiled at him- well, I guess I hadn't stopped for a while. We'd walked the whole way, holding hands, and I think that's why I was smiling so much. It was exciting just being with him. Still, the piano-sax-bass-drums quartet was truly skilled, it sounded like.
*** 22:01 11 Jul
"Maybe we could go for a walk?" I suggested.
He frowned a little at that, and asked, "Is something wrong?"
"What? No, why-" Tuesday, I remembered. "Oh, no, everything's fine, I just thought we could walk a little bit, settle everything. I ate a lot today," I said apologetically. "I'm not used to all this food."
*** 22:39 11 Jul
"Kiss- mmmmmmm..." Travis was such a good kisser.
He slid a hand under my blouse, caressing my back, and I reflexively arched, pressing against his body. He stopped kissing me for a while, which allowed me to catch my breath, or try to.
I finally managed to open my eyes and look at him. He was staring down at me, looking- well, Looking at me, really intently. "Are you okay?" he rumbled, me feeling it in my body as much as hearing it.
"Uh huh," I gasped, and nodded to reinforce the idea. "Please, don't stop," I pleaded with him, running a gentle finger along his neck. "Pleas-" He stroked my back again. "-oohhhhh," I moaned, my eyes shutting by themselves and my body shuddering in response to his touch. "Yes, please don't stop," I begged him when I could talk again.
He kissed me instead of saying anything, which was great, and I could still feel his hand on my back, almost hot against my skin.
It was a gentle, sweet kiss, and I guess it would have done me good a while ago, but right now I wanted more, so I plunged my tongue into his mouth and rubbed my body against his as close as I could get.
Oh wait- I thought and then put my right leg in between his, which meant that since his legs were apart too, I could wrap mine around one of his, and push against them.
"What-" Travis said, and I opened my eyes and looked at him. He looked surprised. I smiled at him, and very slowly and gently moved my leg back and forth against his crotch.
His eyes closed momentarily, but opened quickly enough to see the grin on my face. "Valerie?"
"Shhh," I said, and tried to think of the words I needed. "I, I want you, right now..." Hopefully the continual movement was making him nearly as crazy as it was me. "I-i-i-i, I w-w-want... you," I breathed out desperately. "Please?" I was losing my mind. "Please? Kiss me again?" I hoped that would entice him back to me.
"But-"
I pulled his lips against mine and stuck my tongue in, licking around his teeth until he unclenched his jaw and started playing with me again. Oh thank gods, I thought, smiling in the kiss, and I stroked his neck with the tips of my fingers.
He unexpectedly moved me against the wall and pushed his leg between mine, and moved it back and forth twice.
That was all it took, 'cause I was already on the edge. I wrapped around his leg with both of mine, put my arms around his back, and pulled myself against him as hard as I could. I don't think I screamed, but I made tiny high-pitched, "Ooh-ooh-ohh-" noises for a few seconds. I think. Inside, I felt like I was exploding like I NEVER had before, and I lost my body for a long time.
When I came back, finally, and opened my eyes, Travis was holding me up and looked panicked. "Valerie? Oh God," he said, and he wasn't saying it like I would have been.
I was breathing too hard to say much of anything, but I managed to force out, "Hold me?!" in between gasps of air. He gingerly put his arms around me in a more normal fashion. I closed my eyes again, and just enjoyed him.
As I slowly relaxed from sex-rictus, I went past normal to Jello, and he had to sit down with me before I collapsed on the sidewalk.
He was holding me tightly and rocking me back and forth, which is exactly what I wanted him to do, so I didn't notice for a while that he was whimpering, "I'm sorry, I'm sorry," over and over.
"What?" I gasped when I finally heard what he was saying, and I pushed myself out of his chest to look at him, and he had tears coming down his face. "Travis?!"
"I-i-" he stammered, and tried to let go of me, but I wasn't going to let him.
"No!" Oh shit that was the wrong thing to say, I realized instantly. "N-Please! Don't leave me! Travis?!" I reached up, an incredible effort, and stroked a thumb across the streak of tears on his cheek. "Please... did I hurt you?" I asked, wondering how I could have screwed up so badly.
"No- Wh- Val?" he asked desperately.
With more strength than I thought I had, I managed to put my arms around his neck again and pull his head close to mine. "Please, Travis, I need you now," I breathed.
He stopped trying to get away, but his face looked so confused, and I had absolutely no idea why. "Please, I need you," I repeated. "Hold me?" He still looked confused, but he wrapped me up in his arms, and I snuggled against him, his cheek wetting mine.
Eventually my body re-oxygenated and my breathing slowed, and I could say, "That was fantastic," into his ear.
I didn't expect him to push me away and stare into my face like I'd gone insane.
"What?" I asked, way past confused by this time.
"Valerie?!"
"Huh?" I was beginning to suspect the problem wasn't on my side.
His mouth worked for a while without any sense coming out.
"Travis? Did, did I embarrass you?" We were, I started to remember, in vaguely a public place. Oh sh-
"I thought," he didn't answer, "I thought..."
"Thought what?"
"I thought I'd hurt you like last time?" he said, starting to shiver.
"Wha- Oh!" Oh shit! "No! No, Travis, no, you didn't hurt me! I, I..." Ai-yi-yi, how the hell could I explain the last time? "I just, I guess, last time, back in April, right?" I confirmed. "At that party where I twisted my ankle?" He nodded, and I relaxed a little bit. At least I had a clue as to what was going on, now. "I just- I wasn't ready for, for this, then," I said. Half true, anyway. The other fear I had was that Debbie would slit my throat. A shudder of fear rippled through me at the thought, and he hiccuped. "No, Travis! Please... I just..." I breathed for a while, thinking how to say it, and squeezing him to show that I was still present. He waited for me to finish thinking, at least.
Finally, I looked into his eyes, and told him, "Last time, I didn't know what was going to happen, and there were other things in the way, that scared me when it happened. This time..." I couldn't help smiling, because the feeling was still swirling around my body. "This time I wanted it, from you..." That was all I could think of to say. Except, a very heartfelt, "Thank you," before I hugged him tight again.
He grabbed back, almost tight enough to make me squeak, but I guess he needed it right then.
"And you may say to yourself, 'My God, what have I done?'" Talking Heads, Once In A Lifetime
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- ==[-------- Ellen Hayes @>--,--'--- ellen@barkingduck.net + PGP DH/DSS keyfing: 33D4 156A AE39 53E2 0313 6714 2878 56A8 61B0 9CDC + http://www.barkingduck.net/ehayes -=[1990]=- vicki .sig virus 11.4 +
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