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Tuck Bill -*- Copyright 1998 by Ellen Hayes.
Any resemblance between the writings in this work, and any actual persons or places, living or dead, are purely coincidental, except when used for satirical purposes.
This work contains adult situations, adult language, adult concepts, and possibly sex. If you are legally not allowed to read materials containing such things, then you will be breaking the law by reading this. I am not responsible. Continuing to read this document, or storing it or reproducing it in any format means that you explicitly affirm that you are legally allowed to possess and read such materials in your city, county/parish, state, and country.
All rights reserved. See the bottom for distribution rights.
Tuck Bill
*** 08:09 25 May
I woke up, bladder straining, and sat up, wondering where I was THIS time. Memory slowly seeped through as I looked around the living room.
It looked like the aftermath of an orgy, with people collapsed in pairs, mostly, on the floor, and covered in blankets or sheets. There were people here I didn't even know the names of.
*** 08:12 25 May
When I came out of the bathroom and went back to the living room, a couple of people waved hi, but almost everyone was still asleep.
It looked like a good idea to me, so I slipped back under the blanket with Debbie. She woke up enough to see who I was, and smile, and snuggle against me again. Amy, on the other side, grunted and rolled over and pressed against me.
I kissed Debbie on her forehead and went back to sleep myself.
*** 09:04 25 May
"Are you two gonna wake up?"
I opened my eyes to see Kim glaring at me and Debbie.
"No," Debbie snarled, and she rolled over and kissed me and stuck her face against my chest.
*** 09:11 25 May
Debbie was wrong for once. We staggered around, looking for caffeine and trying to remember the night before. I didn't have a hangover, but this was the second night in a row that I hadn't gotten much sleep. It was Debbie that had the hangover.
I found Amy, yawning and holding a two-liter. "Didja have fun last night?" I asked her. She nodded absently, resisting me taking the bottle. "Let go." She finally let go, and I took a healthy swig before I passed the bottle to Debbie, who did the same thing. Amy still looked like she was stoned. "Are you awake yet?" She considered the question, not focusing on anything, then slowly shook her head.
*** 09:23 25 May
The guys had been banished outside, for some reason dealing with clothes and showers and not enough towels and nakedness. I felt pretty irritated about it.
"Cheer up, Tuck, you can't see every girl in the world naked," Mike told me.
"I want Debbie!" It sounded childish, but I felt childish, and I wanted to get back to Debbie. "I don't CARE about seeing the rest of 'em, I've seen enough of 'em..." I trailed off as several boyfriends looked over at me with that sort of predatory interest that guys have when they think someone is intruding on their turf. "On the Net," I added, and they lost interest.
Mike was chuckling, so I kicked him.
*** 09:31 25 May
Someone had salvaged a bottle of vodka, and someone else had found cups, but there was no orange juice, so somehow I found myself being presented at the front door while someone knocked enthusiastically on it. Overenthusiastically. And then everyone else ran.
The door flew open, and a hungover face I didn't recognize shrieked "WHAT?!"
"Uh, can I talk to Kim?" was the first thing that came to my mind, and she slammed the door. Total elapsed time, two seconds.
"Good one, dork," someone said from their hiding place - me having been left to hang, as it were, on the displeasure of whoever opened the door.
I was a little dazed, from being grabbed and thrust in front of the door, and the pounding, and her screaming, and the fact she had no clothes on at all. And I didn't even know who it was.
*** 09:32 25 May
"What?" Kim snarled as she opened the door. "Oh, what?" she asked, her voice changing completely.
"Morning, sunshine," she grumbled at that, "could we have some orange juice?"
"Hose!" Mike screamed from somewhere else.
"And some soap and shampoo?" I caught on quick. There was no way we were going to get in there before noon.
"Yeah, come on in," she said absently, and turned around. I followed her quickly, and almost got squished as she remembered to turn around and lock the door before everyone else came inside.
The girls looked up as I came in, but it was mostly the Pack, so they just sort of collectively shrugged and went back to dressing or drying off or whatever. Two or three of Linda's friends kind of wanted to make a fuss, but they got confused when no one else did, and so they didn't do anything except stare. I waved as I followed Kim into the kitchen.
*** 09:36 25 May
I came back out, with two bars of soap and a large bottle of shampoo and a jug of orange juice. And three lipstick marks, Debbie having gotten the bright idea of blotting hers on my face, and a couple of others thinking it would be "cute".
"What-" "How did-" "Where-" "Huh-" "-Thank God-"
The guys seemed to be amazed that I made it out alive.
*** 09:46 25 May
Mike had had the idea of just washing faces and hands, but somehow the idea morphed, in that herd mentality way, to taking showers, outside. I wasn't sure quite how it had happened, nor was I sure why I was stripped down to my boxers and letting someone hose me down to rinse the soap off. But there I was...
I looked up, and found Mike staring at me with his eyebrows raised, looking all innocent. It would have made Mother Teresa suspicious. "What?"
"Cold water?" he reminded me, and when I worked it through, I tried to kick him in the head, but he blocked it. Then he looked up and screamed, "ROCK!" He went one way and I went the other, and a couple of guys that didn't take the hint got hit with the bucket full of ice water that some of the girls had launched from the second story window.
*** 10:01 25 May
Things had calmed down, finally, and the guys including me were sitting on the sidewalk, slowly drying off in the sunlight. There was a general bullshit session going on, and the weird thing about it was that me and Mike and Dan were included in it like we were normal or something.
It was weird, but it was good at the same time.
*** 10:12 25 May
Todd Dupperault and I were comparing answers on the German test when I felt a familiar set of arms slide around my neck from behind. "Hi Deb! Feeling all clean?"
"I was gonna ask you that," she whispered into my ear, before she kissed it. Todd's girlfriend gave him a hand up, and Debbie slipped her arms under mine and made as if to lift me off the ground.
"Hey, thanks, I can- ahhhhh!" I started to scream as Jill grabbed my feet and the two of them hoisted me off the ground.
"Four person carry!" Kathy yelled, and Pam got on one side and Amy got on the other and all four of them carried me off with Kathy giving instructions.
"Just don't drop me," I asked Debbie as gently as I could while being carried off by four women.
"I won't," she promised, and blew me a kiss.
*** 10:15 25 May
They'd finally let me down by the car. "What was that all about?" I asked.
Debbie shrugged. "I always liked the idea of carrying you off," she said. And giggled.
Rob Smith had gotten the idea, or something, and was carrying his girlfriend Rita over his shoulder. She looked bored and mildly irritated. He stopped, and said something I didn't catch, and started doing squats. Oooh, I was impressed not. Actually, I wondered if I could do that with Debbie...
Kathy had another idea, though, because she spun me around and got a shoulder under my stomach and hoisted me off the ground. Then she yelled, "Hey, stud!" at Rob, and started doing squats too.
Rita and I had the same expression on our faces.
Just for something to do, because I knew I wasn't going anywhere for a while, I started counting off, "Ein, zwei, drei, vier, funf, sechs-"
"Is that all you think about?" Kathy huffed, "Sex?
I laughed so hard I lost count.
*** 10:20 25 May
"Ow," I mentioned as I climbed into the remaining back seat of Pam's minivan.
"Awww, didoo hurt 'oo tum?" Debbie cooed at me.
"Uh huh!" I felt like getting some sympathy after being bounced around like that. Even if it was false.
"Want me to kiss it and make it better?"
"Uh huh!" That sounded fun, so I pulled up my shirt. She bent down, and gave me a zerbert that drowned out the noise of the starter.
When she finally stopped, I said, "AHHHHHHH, that feels better!" Debbie smacked me in my exposed belly, which hurt, and complained as she sat back upright and almost fell off the seat.
*** 10:29 25 May
Amy turned around and said, "Oh, God, Tuck, you almost got in some serious shit today, too. What gave you the bright idea to come in the house?"
"Somebody wanted OJ for their hair-of-the-dog vodka," I explained.
"God," Pam said, "I thought Cindy was gonna lose it when you walked in."
"Was Cindy the one, the one that answered the door the first time?"
"The NAKED one?" Debbie asked, and smacked me in the head.
I protested, "Hey! I didn't make her do it naked! I just thought it would be polite to know her name, or something, I mean jeez..." Since I now knew she had a birthmark on her left tit, I didn't mention. It just seemed polite or something.
"No," Amy answered, "it was the other one, um..."
Pam supplied, "Robbie."
"Yeah," Amy continued, "she said something about you being gay when the rest of Linda's crowd came down, and they were all nodding-"
"What?" Oh, God. This could almost end my life, right here.
"Don't WORRY," Debbie reassured me, or tried to. Pam snorted.
I was a little boggled. "But, but, WHY did they think I was gay?"
"Because," Amy said in this voice like I should have known better, "you walked into a room of half-naked girls and didn't even really look."
"I get in trouble for NOT looking at naked girls with angry boyfriends? With an angry and jealous girlfriend-"
"I am not jealous!" Debbie lied.
I just glared at her for a second. She glared back. "With my own girlfriend in the same room?"
"No!" Debbie began. "Not really, I mean, not, I mean... don't you DARE, Eugene Tucker!" she shrieked as I started to laugh. She poked me violently and rapidly in my sore spot, which got me to shut up quickly.
"And why did you have your toes painted?" Amy asked.
Pam snorted. "Like we said! Everybody got something painted Friday, we weren't lying, do you think Jill- never mind, you don't know her." Pam wiggled her metallic blue beauties on the steering wheel. "I got mine done too. ANYway," she restarted, "most of us were telling them that they were full of it, but Debbie wasn't saying anything-"
"You WEREN'T?!" THAT hurt, BAD.
"Shut up a minute, I had a plan," Debbie told me. "I mean, if I start screeching that no you're not, then there's no way they'll believe me-"
"There's been rumors going around about DEBBIE for years," Pam mentioned. "So if you were a boyfriend of convenience, she'd be expected to say things like that."
"Hosed either way," Debbie mentioned. "So I just sort of smiled a lot and kept quiet while I dressed."
"That's what was really driving them crazy," Amy said, "they kept getting wilder and wilder, and Debbie was just sitting there with this smirk-"
"I wasn't smirking!"
"Yes you were, I know a smirk when I see one," Amy shot back, and demonstrated this hideous grimace. "Anyway, so FINALLY someone gets up the 'nads to ask Debbie, and she just looks up and giggles, and says, 'If he's gay, then he's faking his boners really well,' and that's-"
Debbie interrupted, "That's when someone hosed the window, from outside, and we went to look-"
"And all the guys were NEKKID!" Pam shrieked, and they all laughed.
"Except you and Mike and Dan," Debbie gasped between snorts.
Pam continued, barely, "And Kim, she goes, she goes-"
Amy put her hands to her face and screamed, "'Oh my GOD it's some kind of GAY QUEER ORGY!' And she points, to the windows, in case anyone missed it-"
"And EVERYBODY runs to the windows," Debbie laughed, "and then someone got the bright idea of rinsing you off from the second story-"
"I got that part," I gargled in between laughing and trying to catch my breath.
*** 10:32 25 May
We'd all caught our breath before Pam picked up the story again. "So, Debbie finally says to someone-"
Debbie complained, "Deedee can't leave ANYthing alone-"
"So she said, she said-"
"I said, 'Look, just because I taught him how to behave around women, doesn't mean he's gay!' And I made sure everyone heard it, too." Debbie looked extremely satisfied with herself.
"So am I gay or not?"
"NO!" they all yelled.
"Oh, thank GOD!" I yelled back, and grabbed Debbie and proceeded to kiss the hell out of her.
"Though what I wanna know," Amy insisted, "is why you have your toenails painted?"
I yanked back and pointed at Debbie. "Her! There I was, minding my own business-"
"LIAR!" Debbie shrieked and pummeled my arm. "He was MOLESTING me-"
"I was NOT! I was minding-"
"LIAR! Liar liar liar-" poke poke poke.
I got my hand over her mouth for a second, and Pam told Amy, "Seriously! Friday night, Deb brought her nail stuff over, and things got a little weird, that's why Jill had-"
Debbie simultaneously bit my finger and stuck hers in a soft spot, so I complained loudly and let go, at which point she started poking me some more.
*** 11:14 25 May
Debbie collected some sort of receipt from the guy at the counter, and came back out waving it. Amy and Pam and I were sitting places trying to catch our breath. It was a LOT of equipment.
"Got the deposit back," Debbie grinned.
"Amen!" If she hadn't, it would have screwed up a LOT.
*** 11:18 25 May
"So, now what?" Amy asked.
Pam and Debbie looked at me like I was supposed to know.
"My house," I finally said. "Mom and Dad are gonna want to make sure you still have all your body parts."
And then I had to explain kidney theft.
*** 11:43 25 May
"Can I use your phone, Miz Tucker?"
"Sure!" Mom said. Debbie took a section of the paper with her.
*** 12:08 25 May
"Your cousin's a little weird," Debbie mentioned as we climbed into what was soon to be MY car.
"You should talk, ya know."
"I'm not weird!" I just looked at her. "I'm not!"
*** 12:14 25 May
I shrugged. "We just always played together. She liked computers, and she played games with me and Mike a lot when she was down, or we'd go off if it was a family gathering."
"Playing with dolls?" she grinned at me.
"No, mostly pretend."
"Like what?"
"Guess," I grinned back.
She thought, and thought, and thought, and finally said, "House is probably out, by that smug look on your face... I dunno?"
"Aliens!"
"What?"
"Like the movie Aliens? We'd play Colonial Marines, and blow up everything bad in sight. Like my asshole cousin Derek." I just wish we could have shot him for real.
"She was, that Hispanic-"
"Vasquez, yeah. Or she'd play Ripley, and I'd play Hicks. Or Ferro and Spunkmeyer, the pilots. It was pretty cool, except the rest of the family thought we were crazy."
I laughed at a memory link, and Debbie predictably asked, "What?"
"We, we used to play with Brian, too, until he figured out what sex Newt was..."
*** 12:29 25 May
Debbie had found a Subaru pre-Legacy wagon in the classifieds, with four wheel drive, air conditioning, a manual transmission, nice paint job, and generally in good repair, and now she was skinning bucks off the starting price.
I kept my mouth shut. I knew a pro when I dated one, and Debbie could sell sand to Arabs. Whereas the guy selling it looked like he was just realizing he was drowning in quicksand.
*** 13:04 25 May
"So?" I asked her. She was grinning like a maniac. So was I.
"So, now we set up the title change for you, and then on Monday I get the new one and you have my poor old beast," she patted it on the fender. "I feel kinda bad... Like I'm giving it up for adoption or something."
"It's still in the family," I mentioned, and she laughed at that.
*** 13:32 25 May
Somehow, Debbie and I ended up in "my" car, which would be totally and legally mine when the requisite thirteen hundred dollars had been paid off, in full, to her Worshipfulness. We'd signed the contract she'd written up, and Mom and Dad had both looked it over, and pronounced it Good Though IANAL.
Unfortunately for me, I was also going to be spending some money on other things first. Like clothes.
Girl's clothes.
Which is why we were going shopping today.
"Clutch!" she reminded me with a shriek. Oh yeah, clutch...
*** 13:47 25 May
"I think you need mostly shorts and jeans, and tops," she mentioned. "Oh, and underwear. We need to go to someplace like Wal-Mart for that-"
"Why?" I didn't want to spend any more money than I had to-
She made a face. "Do you REALLY want to wear used panties?"
"No! Gross!" No thought required.
"That was my thought."
"Unless they were yours."
Not unexpectedly, she smacked me in the head.
*** 13:51 25 May
"I've been looking forward to this," Rachel mentioned as I got to making up in the mirror in her bedroom.
"Why?" Debbie asked.
Rachel shrugged and grinned. "Oh, it's been a long time since I went shopping for clothes..."
I felt a shiver of fear pass through my body when she said that.
*** 14:02 25 May
"We've got to make a stop first," Debbie mentioned.
"Where?"
*** 14:06 25 May
The Salon of Doom And Future Employment, was where. Debbie had come in, said something to John, and he'd laughed and gone off to the back. Rachel was talking to the receptionist, whose hair was now this sort of reddish-purple, so I figured this would be a good time to ask Debbie.
"Getting something," she said. Which explained nothing.
"Like what?"
"Not here," she cautioned. I sighed.
After a minute or so, John waved to us from the stairs. Debbie followed, and I followed her. I kept my fingers crossed, though.
*** 14:07 25 May
"Why?!"
Debbie said patiently, "They're too big for you, right now."
"They were fine yester-"
John interrupted, "Hon, you need something smaller in the cleavage, since you look so young, or people are going to start paying a LOT of attention to you." It gave me the creeps to have to listen to this gay hairdresser discussing what size breasts I was going to be wearing.
*** 14:09 25 May
"So?"
They both inspected me VERY closely, and both of them finally nodded. "They look a lot better," Debbie said.
"Won't anybody notice the difference?" I asked. It seemed like a reasonable question to me.
*** 14:12 25 May
I sighed as we walked out. The only nice thing about it was, there was a lot less bounce. But, I was wearing a different bra. Debbie had stuffed the one I had been wearing into her purse.
"So where are we going next?" Rachel asked.
Debbie replied, "I think I know this small shop around here..."
*** 14:28 25 May
"Ohmigod, Val, come look at this!" Debbie was holding something up that looked like... I don't know what it looked like, actually. Except fluttery. She waved it at me. It fluttered. "Look, they've got a dozen!" If I knew what they were, I might be impressed.
*** 14:30 25 May
They were what Rachel called "broomstick skirts", and there were at least a dozen that I was trying on as fast as I could, one after the other, to see if they fit. They were nothing more than this extremely thin fabric, with bizarre and colorful patterns. And no pockets. They did seem like they would be cooler than average, though...
*** 14:34 25 May
Rachel held up this T shirt with a pattern of red hearts all over it. When she saw the expression on my face, she shrugged and put it back.
"Oh, cool!" Debbie shrieked, and I cringed.
*** 14:47 25 May
Six pairs of jeans, most of which fit. "I'm only getting three of these," I warned over the door.
"Why?" Debbie asked from the next changing room.
"It's too hot to wear jeans outside."
"No it isn't, you're being silly."
"I am being silly?"
Pause.
Finally, she changed the subject by asking, "Do you have any jeans in there that are too large for you?"
*** 15:04 25 May
"Oh, LOOK at this!" Debbie almost squealed as she pulled something made out of something I could see through off the rack. It was sort of this ivory color. She put it up to her body and dashed to the mirror.
I followed, and looked at it on her. "OOOh," I commented. "Get that one."
"You think?"
"Oooh yeah!"
"There's two," she challenged.
*** 15:07 25 May
"See? Too thin." Debbie made a face. You could see every detail of the underwear I was wearing.
"Maybe if you wore a slip under it or something," Rachel unhelpfully contributed.
*** 15:12 25 May
"What am I going to do with a sundress?" I asked Debbie, sure now that she had lost her mind.
"Duh, wear it when you want to look nice and be cool outside." She waved it at me. "Doesn't this look nice and cool?"
I sighed. "Deb...."
*** 15:28 25 May
"The Gap?"
"Just for a couple pairs of shorts."
"I have-"
"Wrong kind. You need something more in style." Rachel nodded in support. "Besides, maybe they have socks," she wondered out loud.
"Socks?"
"Socks," she insisted.
*** 15:36 25 May
"That'd look really good on you," said some male voice from over my shoulder. I turned around, and it was some guy I'd never seen before in my life. He was smiling. I couldn't figure out if this was a good thing or a bad thing.
*** 15:40 25 May
"I was NOT flirting with him!" I insisted.
"Well, you sure weren't getting rid of him!" Debbie countered.
"What was I supposed to do, draw a sword and chop him in half? I don't even have a Swiss Army knife!"
That confused everyone, me included.
*** 15:49 25 May
"That was quick," I mentioned as we carried a couple of bags out.
"Retail," Debbie waved her hands. "Too expensive if you have to get everything in a lump."
"In a-"
"Figure of speech."
"Is anyone hungry?" Rachel asked.
*** 16:04 25 May
"I feel confused," I mentioned as I contemplated some fries. "I think it's all the shopping." Fries I could handle.
"You're not used to it," Debbie informed me.
"It's not that bad," Rachel said.
*** 16:21 25 May
"Hey, girls," said some guy as he sat down next to us.
"Hi," Debbie and Rachel said at the same time. My mouth was full, and besides I had no interest in guys at all at that point.
*** 16:49 25 May
"I wasn't flirting, I was just being sociable!" Debbie protested.
"No, you two were flirting."
Rachel giggled, and Debbie glared at her before turning back to face me. "Look, I didn't invite him to sit down, okay?"
"You sure didn't discourage him! OR his friends!"
She shook her head in disbelief. "You are being so unreasonable about this!" she finally stated.
"Me?! Hey, I wasn't the one passing out BUSINESS CARDS, was-"
"What the hell does that have to do-"
*** 16:55 25 May
"So?" Rachel asked.
I stared at Debbie, who glared back. "I will if she will," I offered.
Debbie looked off to the side and folded her arms, and then looked to the other side, and then finally nodded. "Sorry, Tuck. Val, I mean."
"I'm sorry too." I meant it. Sort of. I was sorry I'd yelled at her at the same time I was sorry she was flirting in front of me.
"So?" Rachel asked again. "Are we friends again?"
I nodded, staring at Debbie's shoes. It was kind of embarrassing, sitting here getting lectured by Rachel like I was a little kid or something.
*** 17:24 25 May
"Keds are okay, I guess," I admitted.
"Classic," Debbie mentioned.
"They're cool," Rachel agreed, bobbing her head.
"I just don't see why they have to be pink."
"Try the white or black ones, then," Debbie suggested. "It's just, if you have more, it's easier to keep them clean-"
"And you don't wear them out as fast," Rachel pointed out.
"Sort of like rotating your tires?" They both nodded. "I can see that," I admitted.
*** 17:33 25 May
I was wearing in a new pair of sandals as well as a sundress we'd picked up. They said the two went together. I figured, if things were going the way they looked, I'd have changed again by the time we got done shopping. This thought did not fill me with transcendant joy.
*** 17:53 25 May
I don't know why we had to go to Victoria's Secret to get me bras. I was assured by Debbie that it was a regrettable necessity. I think she just wanted to get some stuff for herself. I had to admit, her taste in lingerie was impeccable. But expensive.
So her and Rachel were conferring over something in the back, and I had wandered off, not having anything to contribute. There was a table towards the front that had boxers on it, in what looked like silk. Hmm, I thought, that looks interesting. Especially with the convention coming up next weekend. Debbie liked silk, a lot.
I started looking through the stacks, looking for black, and I'd found one, and was trying to remember what size my waist was - I knew what dress size to look for, after today, but not surprisingly these weren't marked in dress sizes - when this voice behind me said, "Those for you or a boyfriend?"
I flinched and dropped them on the table. It was some guy I'd never seen before. Again. "Sorry," he apologized, "I didn't meant to scare you."
"It's, it's okay. I was, sort of lost in my own thoughts," I lied. Well, I guess it was true. I remembered to smile at him.
*** 17:59 25 May
"So can I see you in one?" Gary asked, grinning.
"NO!" we all screamed. Well, I screamed. And ruined it by snorting, because I had the thought that the only person that got to see me in girl's underwear was my girlfriend.
To prevent further problems, I grabbed the handful of bras out of Debbie's hands and made a run for the dressing rooms.
*** 18:23 25 May
"So, I'm sorry, okay?" Debbie apologizing was rare enough, so I figured I should quit while I was ahead.
"Okay, okay," I replied as we carried two armfuls of clothes into the dressing rooms. "Just next time-"
I got a little confused when I got slammed up against the wall.
By my sister.
"Tucker!" she half-screamed, half-whispered. "What the hell are you DOING?!?!" She looked panicked. I'd be willing to bet I did too.
"Let go of-" Debbie said, getting ready to take Susan on.
Susan grabbed us both and dragged us into a changing closet. "Look," she whispered frantically, "Mom and Amy are RIGHT THERE," pointing towards the mirrors at the other end of the changing area. "Do you want them to see you like that?!"
It took Debbie half a second longer than it did me to figure it out. By the time she caught on, I had hung my stuff on a hook and was headed back out the way we came at best no-notice speed.
*** 18:27 25 May
Debbie and I were taking a breather while Rachel kept some sort of lookout behind us. "Oh, God," Debbie mentioned.
I snapped, "What are YOU worried about-"
"Would you two calm down!" Rachel insisted. "Please?"
I took a deep breath, and looked at Debbie. She looked like she felt sorry. I know I felt sorry.
*** 19:01 25 May
"Hey, Deb, what about this?" I held up a jumper. Her eyebrows went up, and I could almost hear the little fashion wheels whirring in her head.
"Not bad," she finally said.
*** 19:04 25 May
"High cut?"
Rachel nodded confidently. "They're cooler, and you don't have to worry so much about them sliding down."
"Uh. Okay." I got six, figuring that that ought to last me a week or so. On second thought, I got another six-pack.
"Get more, you always-" Her face flickered. "No, I guess you don't need spares, do you?"
"Spares for what?" She told me. It was gross. Believable, I suppose unavoidable sometimes, but still gross. And not just because I was a guy, either.
*** 19:21 25 May
I gave Debbie the eye, because we were going into the one section of Wal-Mart I had figured we wouldn't. Guy's clothes.
Rachel must've seen the expression on my face, because she hastily explained, "Sometimes the clothes are better in the guy's section, especially if you're looking for something like basic shirts or tees or tanks or whatever."
"And jackets," Debbie added. "And sweaters too, except it's the wrong time of year for that." She stopped at a rack of oxford shirts, and held one up. "See? Remember the other one, with that crest on it? At the resale shop?" Which resale shop, I wanted to ask, but nodded instead. "This is almost the same shirt, except this one is new, and it cost almost the same as the other one did used. Remember?"
"If you say so- Don't give me that look, Deb!" She was giving me that look. "I have been in so many places today and seen so much clothes, I'm lucky I remember anything!"
*** 19:38 25 May
As we were getting ready to leave, or at least that's what Debbie thought, I presented the silk rose I'd been hiding behind my purse to the cashier. She rang it up, I paid in cash, and we left.
Debbie had been getting pinker and pinker, and she looked like she had a bad sunburn by the time we walked out the doors. But she didn't say no when I handed her the rose. Rachel just smiled when she saw it.
*** 20:01 25 May
"This is the last place, I promise."
I sighed. "Okay, Deb, but you promised."
"Besides, everything else is closed."
I had a sneaking suspicion that was the real reason why this was the last place.
*** 20:06 25 May
"So?" I kept holding the dress against my body. Debbie kept staring at it.
"So go try it on," she finally said.
I was getting entirely sick of changing rooms. And why did they always have to be so HOT?
*** 20:08 25 May
Debbie and Rachel and I examined the dress from all sides.
"I think it'll work," Rachel said.
"Yeaaaahhh...." Debbie was skeptical.
"At least it has pockets," I pointed out. About six- no, I'd missed one. Seven. "And it's cotton, you said that was important."
Debbie admitted, "Yeah, okay." Rachel nodded agreement.
"Good," I said, having finally gotten ahead of the game, "there's three more in different colors-"
"Val!" Debbie complained.
"What? I found something I like and now you want to argue?"
She huffed at me, but there was really nothing she could say about it. I thought.
*** 20:16 25 May
"I like jumpers," I said.
Rachel's eyebrows went all over the place, along with all her other facial features. She finally emitted, "Okay." I wished I knew what the rest of it had been.
"Hey!" Debbie crowed from the next aisle. I flinched.
*** 20:22 25 May
"I like it," I offered.
Debbie glanced at me sideways. "I think it's a little too tight."
"You do?" Rachel turned sideways to see a different angle. "You think?"
"Um," said Debbie.
"I like it," I said again.
"You just like it because it IS too tight," Debbie accused me.
"Well, I mean, a little black dress is supposed to get people's attention, and that one... gets people's attention." Oh, boy, did it. I'd have sworn Rachel grew a cup size and a hip size while putting it on. SERIOUS 3D sine curvature there.
"I dunno," Rachel said. "Don't you have to dry clean stretch velvet?" Debbie reached in and pulled the tag out for closer inspection.
*** 20:31 25 May
We were done, as far as I could tell. At least, I had underwear and outerwear for two weeks, all of it (almost) suitable for watching a baby and a seven year old male for ten hours at a stretch. Hooo.
Right until Debbie saw the swimsuit rack, and screamed. "Oh my God, she's got a pool! Val!"
"Oh, noooo..." I tried running off, but she already had my arm and was dragging me to certain destruction.
*** 20:46 25 May
We were going to have to buy two to make one that worked with my "special requirements," and I don't think either of them were the sort of swimsuit to make it into Seventeen as Suit of the Season, but they worked. It was sort of astonishing, actually.
The top looked and acted like a sports bra, though why the designer had put a big zipper, complete with pull ring, on the front, escaped me. Maybe it was a jock who designed it - it looked like trouble to me, until I figured out how I could pin the thing shut. It was black.
The bottom, on the other hand, was this thing that looked like someone had grafted a skirt onto a normal suit bottom. And, no lie, it had a small pocket in it. And it was black.
The two together made this weird sort of psycho jungle babe impression on me in the mirrors. Rachel didn't say anything, which I had learned was sort of a bad sign, and Debbie just shook her head a little. "You know," she mentioned, "I think you're the only person I know that could pull that combo off."
"You could pull it off if you wanted to," I teased.
*** 20:52 25 May
I swear, things went black for a moment when Debbie told me how much we'd bought, and how much I owed, for today.
*** 21:17 25 May
I was glad Rachel was driving, and that Debbie was taking her car home, because I was so tired I was almost falling asleep in the middle of sentences.
*** 21:26 25 May
"Val?"
"Huh?" I'd fallen asleep with my eyes open.
"Weren't you taking you makeup off?"
"Uh. Yeah." I went back to scrubbing my face.
*** 21:27 25 May
"Val!"
"Huh?"
"Finish taking your makeup off!" Debbie sounded peeved. I went back to scrubbing.
*** 21:28 25 May
"Valerie!"
"Uh?" Oh yeah.
*** 21:56 25 May
"Oh, Deb, I just wish you could stay..."
"Me too, sweetie, but you've got a big day tomorrow, and so do I, and so we've both gotta get some sleep."
"But-" I was starting to whine. I sighed instead, and just said, "I'll miss you," and hugged her for all I was worth.
*** 22:04 25 May
Susan had cornered me in my room when I wasn't looking, and now she wanted me to Explain Things.
"So I need stuff for the job, like a work uniform, you know?"
"That wasn't a uniform shirt I saw you in, Tuck!"
"That was Debbie's idea!"
"What, she MADE you put that on?" I gathered that she didn't believe anything of the sort.
"Yeah, well, not literally, but, I mean..." I sighed. "It's real hard to tell her no when she's got an idea. Besides," I attempted a smile, "she thinks it makes me look sexy."
Susan put her head in her hands.
*** 22:09 25 May
"Tuck, you can't go blaming this on other people," she pointed out. I guess it was obvious to her.
"What do you mean?"
"You said it was the only way to get a job-"
"I didn't say that, I said it was a decent job, if you don't count the, the clothes thing."
She shook her head, staring at the ceiling. "Tuck, there's plenty of jobs that you could have done in normal clothes-"
"It's not like I'll be wearing formals or something-"
"I didn't say that! Tuck, listen!" She took a deep breath. "You're doing this stuff, or agreeing to it, all the time. Why? What's in it for you?"
"Nothing!"
"BULLshit," she disputed. "And it's not just sex, or being friends with girls, either. What IS it doing for you?"
*** 22:48 25 May
I stared at the dark ceiling, wondering.
"I am at one with my duality." - Diane Wilson
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