Chapter 24
It wasn't just the fact that Eddie had left school today in Brian's car. It was the matter of fact way he also raised his eyebrows and shrugged his shoulders at me when he did it that was killing me. Yesterday at school Eddie told me he needed "space" – that he needed freedom to be able to do whatever he wanted with whoever he wanted to do it with. I knew the minute he told me, that Brian Lomax was at least one of the "whoevers" he was talking about.
Why can't I just be happy playing his game? It's not like I try to kid myself into believing we would someday settle down together. I'm not even sure, after watching my mom and dad act like a couple of two-year-olds every time they were in the same room together, I ever wanted that anyway. Still, ever since I got home from school, I've been sitting here at my desk, feeling sad for myself, and at the same time angry at Eddie for doing this to me. ...And staring into the half-full bottle of Valium mom left in the medicine cabinet when she moved out.
I thought maybe leaving them all behind with nothing but a memory – one that would hopefully hurt them as much as the pain I'm feeling right now, seemed like the only way to get back at all of them.
"I wish to god it was me who had died and not my brother Daryl," I heard myself mumbling out loud as Phil entered the room. "That would have made things a lot easier for everyone."
"What are you talking about? Alex, you shouldn't talk like that. That's not something to joke about."
"Who's joking," I answered, showing him the pill bottle.
"Man, don't even go there. Do you know how lonely I was before I met you."
His words did little to raise my spirits.
"Want me to go downstairs and grab us a Coke?"
"Whatever. Maybe Coke and Valium can get me out of this mess."
I can sense Phil's extreme nervousness as his glances switched from the doorway to me and back again.
"Alex, man, you've got to chill. You're kind of scaring me.
"That's a great pic," he said when he saw the picture of Eddie on my computer monitor. I hadn't even noticed that Eddie was still my Windows wallpaper. He was leaning against the white stucco wall of our house. A row of perfectly straight, white, teeth gleamed against the dark skin of his thin lips. His entire face was lit up with a smile, almost as if he was looking at an angel. He had his black wife-beater off and draped over his right shoulder so you could see his perfectly formed torso and meaty pecs. His white cargos were sagging low, exposing the top of his black CKs.
"He really means a lot to you doesn't he?"
"Meant a lot to me," I answered, staring at the picture.
"I... I was kinda wondering about that after what happened in the club meeting."
He put my hand on my shoulder and sat down next to me. "Smile, ése" he said, trying to imitate Eddie's voice.
I don't thing Phil was expecting me to react like I did. He couldn't have known that I kind of saw him as my last hope. I pressed my leg against his, softly touching his thigh. He jumped, then anxiously sat still for a moment.
"Phil? You know how you always tell me how everyone needs help from someone else sometimes, to like help them? I think I need someone like that to help right now."
"Jesus is there for you, Alex. He'd get you through this if you'll give him a chance."
"At the moment, I couldn't care less if Jesus was standing right here beside me. Can't you see that you're the one he sent to help me, and you're too freakin' stubborn to know it. Why can't you see that he made you gay for a reason?"
At first, Phil was lost for words. Then he started stuttering about how God didn't work like that. Like what, I had no clue. All I knew is that I figured Phil was queer as me, and yet refused to accept it. As far as I was concerned, that made him every bit as messed up as me.
"Phil, look, I know what you said before, and I respect the way you believe in God and all, but even you admitted to me that God didn't seem to listen to you begging him to make you straight. Why can't you take that as a sign? All I'm asking is... Well... I mean... well we wouldn't have to... you know... do everything if you didn't want to, but we could still be boyfriends and just hug each other like you said that guy showed you at camp.
"Phil, I can't make it without someone... I can wait for you. I just need someone to be there and help me through this."
I could see my words were drawing him like a magnet toward something that he was sure would spell trouble for him. He blushed as he felt the heat of my stare.
"I can't Alex. All I've worked for this past year... All I believe in... God, part of me wants it to be okay to give in to what you're saying, but the other part – the bigger part right now, says that I can't... that I shouldn't. That email you sent me a while back... The one where you told me how you feel about me... Well I felt it too. I'm afraid of what would happen if I gave in to that temptation – that I couldn't just stop with being your boyfriend. I think about it a lot. Sometimes I wish things were different, but there's something inside of me; something even more powerful than that desire, that makes me know Jesus is real, and that he has other plans for my life. I pray for God to give me strength to look for better ways to show you my love, Alex. I'm certain that the path that I chose is the right one for me. I think it could be the right one for you to. Why won't you give it a try?
I slumped back into my chair feeling like he was asking me to be someone I could never be; my hope draining away like cold, gray, bath water. Phil reached over and hugged my neck. My body convulsed with a single sob as I turned and buried my eyes on my shoulder.
We sat and breathed each other's scent.
I'm not sure how long we sat there like that before I lifted my head and started to explain.
"After Eddie got that job at the print shop, he changed. He stopped pretending he wasn't looking at other guys when we were together. I guess I just wasn't good enough for him. I'm not good enough for anyone. No one would even miss me if I were gone" I mumbled, looking again at the bottle of Valium sitting on top of my desk.
"What do you mean" Phil pleaded, sensing the gravity of my situation. I think the panic in his voice surprised both of us. He had no way of knowing exactly how serious I was being about the subject, but he certainly wasn't dismissing it as small talk.
"Whatever," I repeated for the umpteenth time.
"Look, you're my friend, Alex... I'll help you get through this" Phil told me. "I'll do anything you want if you'll just promise not to."
There was an awkward pause as the two of us thought about our own unique situations. I buried my face in my hands, knowing that I couldn't ask of him what I really wanted him to do for me. ...not after what he'd just told me again about his stand on having a boyfriend.
"I can't," I whispered, reaching for the small bottle, wondering if I really would end my pain, or if it would just be the doorway to an even worse torture than this.
"Did he actually tell you he was breaking up with you," Phil asked.
Given the situation, it seemed like a stupid thing to ask. I switched screens on my computer to show him the email that Eddie sent me this morning.
Alex,
I guess you probably figured things out about me and Brian by now. We've been doing stuff together since like January. I guess I never told you, but I got fired from my job at the print shop after two weeks because the owner kind of caught me and one of the salesmen doing some stuff. I'm surprised you never figured it out, but I'm glad that you didn't, because I didn't really want to lose you even though me and Brian were having a lot of fun at the time. I wish things could have gone different with me and you. I mean not everything, just some things, because I really do like you a lot. Anyways, thanks for being my friend ever since I moved here. I'll never forget some of the really good times we had together. I guess I should tell you that I'm sorry I couldn't measure up to your standards sometimes but that would be a lie, so I'll just say it's been real. I really like you a lot Alex, but I guess I don't really want to be tied down to only one guy so that's the reason why I'm moving on.
Your xBFF,
Eduardo
PS: Look me up sometime when you're lonely.
PPS: Tell Phil that I'll give him his skateboard back next time I see him.
E-
"What a jerk."
I flipped back to the desktop photo of Eddie and gazed at it again.
"I feel so stupid for letting him use me like he did. I knew for a while he didn't have a job, but I tried to make myself believe that he just needed some time to be alone. Yeah, right... alone. Before I was born, my dad was trying to save enough money so they could have the doctor suck my brains out. My mom only had me because she thought I was a freakin' girl, and now she's divorcing my dad because I'm not. I heard her tell my dad she was only planning to stick around till Daryl graduated anyway, so since he's gone, there was no reason for her sticking around anymore. I'm just a loser – like I have a big L' on my forehead that everyone can see but me. I'm just tired of trying. I'm always the one who ends up getting screwed in the end. What's the point, Phil? My whole life's a freakin' mistake. Even God made a mistake when he took Daryl instead of me.
I opened a different picture of Eddie on my computer and stared at it – this one of him hanging out the window of his mom's car with a spliff dangling between his fingers and a huge smile on his face. I watched as the small dialog box appeared in the middle of the screen asking if I was sure I wanted to send the picture to the Recycle Bin.
For the next half hour we sat there while Phil talked and I deleted photo after photo of me and Eddie.
"Phil, doesn't it suck to be like you are? I mean... knowing that you can't ever have a boyfriend if you want to? Aren't you scared that you'll be lonely all your life?"
"No, man, I've got friends like you and Dillon to keep me from getting lonely. You can have strong friendships without them being a boyfriend or girlfriend. It's only sometimes when my hormones get out of control that I slip up and think about wishing I could have a boyfriend. My faith in God helps me to look at friends differently, I guess, so I can control my desires most of the time.
"What?" Phil asked, seeing me shaking my head in disbelief. How can he not see that being a Christian warps a person's whole way of thinking? Why was he always trying to believe in something that he couldn't see? How many times was he going to tell me he liked guys, and then turn around and try to make me believe it was just a temporary thing until he could convince God to fix him?
I opened the pill bottle and dumped one of the small yellow tablets into the palm of my hand.
"Alex, before I asked God for help, I felt like I was totally out of control of everything. I'm not really sure how faith works, but it seems like since I gave my life to the Lord, I've been able to look at friends differently, and can control my desires. Sometimes it's still a struggle, though. Like that time Eddie started hitting on me."
I really wish he'd listen to what he tells me so he could hear how ridiculous his arguments are. Believing in something when it's obvious to everyone else it's not gonna happen is not faith, like he claims it is, it's just plain stupidity.
A slight smile forced its way into the corners of my lips, remembering the look on Phil's face when Eddie tried to kiss him, but it only lasted for a moment.
"...that really had me freaked. That's as close as I've ever come to turning my back on God. I guess I never really thanked you for respecting me by telling him I wasn't into it. God used you to keep me from falling. You're the one who saved me from turning my back on what I believe."
For some reason, I was able to ignore the Jesus stuff, and just hear a friend's sincere words of thanks. I never realized how desperate the situation had been for Phil. His words put a little crack in my sullen mood, and I dropped the pill back into the bottle.
"Even that time you thought I hated you when you told me you were gay, I still considered you my friend, Alex. I always knew you didn't really want to hurt me; it's just that you didn't understand where I was coming from back then."
Phil's cell phone started to vibrate in his pocket. He looked at it, mentioned the word "mom," and settled back into his chair.
"Alex, please don't check out. I mean, well you couldn't ever find the good things in life if you did that. Before I went away to camp, I thought everything in my life was going wrong too. After I met Casey, I thought doin' the stuff he was into, like drinkin' and sex would change things in my life. Instead of feeling better about things, I started using drugs to like kill my conscience because I felt worse than before. I thought that that was the answer, but none of the stuff I used to try to make me feel good ever lasted for very long. I was so desperate to find a way out of the mess I was in I even ended up doing stuff with old guys at the park to buy more drugs, thinking that I just hadn't found the right one yet. My parents were the ones to force me to change things because I couldn't do it on my own.
"Now when I need someone `cause I'm down, I call you or Dillon, or find my dad, and we talk or go somewhere together, or else I play a game with my brothers – anything to get my mind off of what I don't want it to focus on. Dad often puts his arm around my shoulder and I found that we can even talk about gay stuff. I'll bet he'd talk about anything to you too. He prays for you every day, Alex. He's like always asking how you are, and how things are going with your parents."
"I don't have parents who give a rip like you do. I don't have a brother anymore to go play a freakin' game with when I don't feel happy. You can't possibly know what it's like to not be wanted by your own mom just because she's disappointed you're not a girl. You sit there and tell me all this crap about how God cares for me and wants me to change. Why doesn't he just freakin' change me then if he wants me to be different? You just don't have a clue about it."
I'd rarely seen Phil angry before, but whatever I'd just said lit his fuse.
"Just because my mom didn't tell me I should have been a girl doesn't mean I never feel rejected. You don't think it hurts when you find out your mom lied to you about her anniversary so you didn't figure out that your dad isn't really your dad? You don't think getting loaded onto a bus like a prisoner and being shipped off to nowhere because you're an embarrassment to your family isn't hard to take? Don't tell me about rejection."
He was ticked that I thought his life was a piece of cake. At least my mom didn't throw me out of the house when I told her I was gay like his had.
"What right do you have to think you're the only one in the world with problems?"
"Phil, your mom called a few minutes ago" My dad called up the stairs, interrupting Phil's tirade. "She said to tell you to get home right away. I'm going to bed, Alex, so quiet down up there."
We both sat in silence while I occasionally opened another picture of Eddie, stared at it for a while, and then deleted it. When the folder was empty, I began staring at the desktop photo that was on the screen when Phil got here more than five hours ago.
"So long Lover Boy," I said as I erased the desktop photo. Phil's going off like he had was like a hard slap to my face, and had awoken me from my pity party. It was like seeing the last photo floating away had closed the book on my past. For some strange reason, I felt much better than I had since reading Eddie's email that morning. Phil looked at me like he was suddenly worried again.
"I'm sorry, man. I shouldn't have gone off like that. Forgive me, okay?"
"Whatever"
Grabbing the bottle of pills from my desk drawer, my voice sounding almost jovial, I asked "You done preaching now? It's been real." I surprised myself by how I had now decided to toy with my best friend.
"I'm sorry, Alex... I didn't' mean..."
"Why be sorry for trying to help me? You mind if I give you a hug – as a friend, I mean?"
Phil hugged me like he was afraid to let me go, until I pushed him away and left the room. He looked panicky as I walked to the bathroom. I saw his eyes dart toward the stairway as if trying to decide whether or not to call for help. Standing in front of the washbowl, I look up from the pile of pills in my hand and into the mirror in front of me. Glancing in the mirror, I saw Phil intently watching from the doorway.
His eyes were pleading with me as I open the faucet and let the water run cold. What he couldn't know, is that his presence in my bedroom, and the words that he spoke to me tonight had, at least for now, derailed my self-destructive thought train. Because of him, or maybe it was the love that he says his God gives to anyone who asks for it, had stirred up hope in my heart. Maybe his God is real, and he only sent Phil to be my angel. I think I am beginning to at least grasp the unconditional love message that he has been trying to tell me since his simple `hey' shook my world last September.
Instead of reaching for a cup, I look Phil in the eyes through mirror and dumped the pills into the sink washing them down the drain, and out of my life. Phil's face lights up at the realization of what I am doing, as if someone had thrown a light switch. For some reason, his smile makes me think back to the day that I sucked face with Eddie in homeroom to let everyone know that I was not ashamed of being gay, remembering Samantha Gerhart saying, "Why are all the really cute ones gay?"
I'm glad... no make that, I'm thankful Phil came over tonight, and that he's happy with his life. Single handedly – well, unless you believe in God, that is – he calmed the storm that tried to swallow me today. Even though I still feel a little sad, the giant waves of grief seem to have stopped pounding on me. For the life of me, I still can't understand why this cute gay guy with so much love to give, is convinced that he should live a straight life. I wonder to myself if the path that I chose will always chew me up and spit me out in a puddle on the floor while an endless line of exes happily move on to greener pastures. How's that fair? Maybe my sex-ed teacher was right about not jumping into bed with someone before you get to know them well enough to build a relationship with them.
Thinking about the life ahead of me, it still seems so overwhelming.
Just then I remembered how Phil always says being gay is a choice. I don't agree with him on that, and I don't think he actually believes it himself. What I do see though, is that there are certain choices gay people have to make about how they live their life, just like everyone else in this messed up world. I chose to allay my natural desire by seeking relationship through romance and got burned a few times. His choice is to set aside his natural desire for guys by immersing every part of his life in Christianity. While he hasn't gotten burned by other people, he definitely doesn't get to live without his share of struggles. The thought welled up from somewhere inside of me that maybe there's a place in this world for both, and I found myself praying for the first time in my life.
"Dear God, I know I've never spoken to you before, but if you'll help me make some good choices in the future, I promise to do things differently the next time around."
The End