Chapter 23
I think the conversation I had with Phil that afternoon was the beginning of the end for Eddie and I. It wasn't a sudden thing; more like the life cycle of one of those round things they put in urinals. At first it's strong and solid, then over a period of time it get smaller and smaller until the thing doesn't smell anymore and the only thing it's good for is to give you something to aim at. He started being less careful about hiding his flirting from me, and I eventually grew numb to it. I had forgotten that Eddie had told me he was going away with his parents the last weekend in March, so it kind of surprised me when he dropped by Friday after school in his dad's Audi to say good-bye.
"I'm gonna miss you, Babe" I mechanically told him just before I parted his lips with my tongue.
"Mmmmm, it's only for two days, Alex... mmmm, don't stop." That's the amazing thing about Eddie; even though I had stopped obsessing over him, every time we got alone together he made me feel like I was on top of the world.
Saturday afternoon I rode out to Wal-Mart and picked out a "Thinking of you" card. I was so nervous that the cashier would pull the card out from under the envelop flap, and look at the beefcake photo on the front. It was for Eddie, I had to take the chance. I wasn't careful enough at the service desk when I stopped and asked to borrow a pen. I should have wrote "to Eddie" instead of "Eduardo" `cause then she might have thought I got it for my girlfriend.
I decided to ride from there to the Herrera's house, and hide the card somewhere. Then I was gonna text Eddie to let him know where to find it when he got home.
Both of his parent's family cars were parked in the drive when I got there. Weird. Hoping that maybe they had a change of plans, I walked up to the door and rang the bell.
"Ola, Alex. I'm surprised to see you here today. Eduardo went away for the weekend."
"Oh Yeah, I forgot... where did he say he was going?"
"He said he and another boy, I think he said his name was Wesley something, were going to that club in Trenton. It's a shame that you couldn't go with them."
The only Wesley I knew of from school was Wesley Roberts. One can never tell for sure if someone's gay, but it wasn't a huge surprise to me that he might be. He dressed very "emo," including eye shadow and mascara. "Brown hair hanging over his one eye, and a little on the heavy side?" I asked, not sure I wanted to hear her answer.
"I didn't really get to see him, dear. Eddie told me that you went away with your parents. He'll be so disappointed to know that you could have gone after all. I'll be sure to tell him that you stopped by when he gets home."
"That's okay. You don't need to tell him. I'll see him Monday at school"
I was furious. He'll be disappointed all right, but it won't be because I couldn't go with him. Not only had he broken our agreement to respect each other's boundaries, but he had lied; both to me and to his parents, in order to cover his tracks.
I stewed all day, hoping that he would call me when he got home so I could give him a piece of my mind. Lying in bed that night, I wondered if I should tell Eddie to get lost, or just get over it and modify my own expectations of our relationship. I mean, it's not like I wanted to get married and settle down, so why does it bother me so much that he can have a good time with someone else? Phil's words, about gay guys possibly not wanting to be locked into a relationship with only one person, hit me like a load of bricks. It was then that I started to force myself to broaden my definition of "boyfriend." It made me extremely anxious, and I was sure Phil would flip out if he ever found out I decided to loosen my standards a bit.
Sunday morning at ten o'clock, Lover Boy showed up at my front door.
"Hey papacito, I missed you."
"So, how was The Nix," I sneered.
"It was great, man. How'd you know I went there?"
"Why'd you take Wesley Roberts instead of me?"
"Who?"
"Your mom told me you and him went to the club."
"You got it wrong, Alex. It wasn't him. You think he's gay?" he asked with a little too much interest for my dour mood. "Look, let me explain. Wes is Alberto's half-cousin. He asked me to do it as a favor an' since you tol' me you didn't ever want to go there again. I was just respecting you, man."
"So, you took your ex's half-cousin to a gay club then slept with him instead of your ex. That makes me feel a lot better," I overstated, making sure he noticed the sarcasm dripping from my words. I was resigned to the fact that I was probably never going to have Eddie all to myself, but I felt the need to at least make him squirm a little before I "forgave" him.
It worked like a charm, because the look on Eddie's face was priceless. It was even funnier when he dropped to his knees in front of me and practically begged for another chance. "I don't know what happens to me, man. It's like this game where I have to try to see if I can get someone to like me. Then when they do, I have to see how far I can get them to go. I'll try harder, Alex. Just don't get too mad at me if I mess up sometimes. It's hard, you know? I didn't believe him for one minute, but I wasn't going to discourage him from trying.
Taking hold of his hand, I pulled him gently to his feet and led him into the house so we could `make-up'.
It was another incredibly warm spring day. Phil, Dillon, and I were headed for the skate park while Eddie was supposedly at work. The three of us were rambling on about anything and everything, and jokingly shoving and tripping each other along the way, when I started telling them about Eduardo's latest venture to the dance club in Trenton.
"He took his ex's half-cousin with him, whatever that is." Then, looking at Dillon, added, "dude, you might want to cover your ears for this." Dillon moved away slightly, but I think he was still listening.
"Anyway," I told Phil, "At first, when I found out, I was furious. But the more I thought about it, the more I figured if I didn't start trying to change my standards, I was going to end up being alone for the rest of my life. It was something you told me a long time ago that made me reconsider what I was doing. You said your camp councilor told you how important it is to have someone to help you work through pain. I realized that that's one of Eddie's strong points; helping me feel good about things. If you hadn't told me that, I probably would have dumped him by now. Instead, after he came back, we ended up having one of the best days we ever had together."
Phil just stood there shaking his head, so I hauled off and punched his bicep. He still wasn't smiling, and I kind of got nervous, so I started talking again, hoping to say something that he would agree with.
"Look," I began explaining, "I guess I never really understood how important certain things were to him. After Casey and the party, I was just afraid that no one really wanted me, so I couldn't stand the thought of Eddie looking at other guys. Now I know that he's not really rejecting me when he does that. He just sort of needs to feel accepted by everyone."
Phil still had this wild-eyed look on his face so I continued. "It's not really a big deal to me," I told him. I knew it was a lie the moment the words left my mouth. He knew it too, so I tried again, digging myself an even deeper hole. "I'm afraid if I don't accept how he is he'll dump me, okay? He's all I have. I just can't let him walk away."
Phil's face got red, and Dillon moved farther away and kind of covered his ears for a while to make a point, but the way he was standing there, I knew he was taking in what I was telling Phil.
"Phil, you remember telling me how they taught you at camp that you had to face pain and have someone help you through it? Well, last week before he came back from Trenton, I decided that even if I don't like it, I'm not going to let it bother me. From now on it's not gonna be an issue with me.
I noticed Phil's and Dillon's face scrunch up, like they were shocked that I was gonna do it, but I just kept talking like it was nothing. "Eddie's my boyfriend, Phil, so anyway, if he ever messes up, I'll just force myself to make sure we have some time alone together, `cause when we do that, I know he can make me forget any pain I'm feeling; he always does."
Dillon made his way over to us and stood there gawking at Phil, like he expected Phil to say something – which he did.
"Ah... Alex, sometimes pain is a warning for us to run away. I know you well enough to know that it's gonna kill you inside. You deserve better than that."
I didn't want to think of it that way, but I guess I could see his point. I felt like they had just knocked the props out from under my plan for how I was going to hang on to Eddie. ...and, deep down, I was afraid. I think I already knew that Phil was right about it tearing me up the next time I found out Eddie was with someone else. I could see that Eddie wasn't hanging on to me in quite the same way I was trying to hang on to him. I felt my teeth biting into my lower lip. I hung my head, trying to somehow make Phil's words go away.
"You don't understand," I pled with him, "I can't lose him. My parents just told me they're getting divorced. He... he's all I have."
Dillon put his arm around my shoulder and hugged me in a, rare for him, physical display of support. Life sure gets complicated sometimes. I think they both knew now how much I was depending on Eddie to help him make it. But at the same time, it seemed they were trying to convince me that I was trying to hang on to something that, even had they not believed that it was wrong on a moral level, figured would never last. It's not that they didn't like Eduardo. We always had fun when we were all together, but I think they doubted he was even looking to be the partner I wanted him to be. They just think he's out to have a good time wherever he goes, and with whomever he happens to be with. I couldn't let myself believe that, though.
"Alex, I guess I don't really understand those things" Dillon told me. "I mean I'm sure it'd be hard for you, but maybe you should like, just move on. Just be his friend. You'll still have us."
I was surprised to hear those words coming from Dillon's mouth instead of from Phil's. "We're here for ya, Alex," Phil added. "There's another path that you should try. Let me and Dillon help you."
I suddenly wanted to be left alone. Ducking away from Dillon's arm, I threw my skateboard on the ground and pushed off, headed for home; hoping to avoid any more "helpful" advice.
Monday morning on the bus, Phil was smiling from ear to ear.
"What's with you," I grumbled. Things had gone from bad to worse after I left him and Dillon at the skate park. Saturday, Eddie hadn't answered his cell phone when I tried calling him, and then Sunday I found out from his sister that he had gone to the movies with someone named Brian.
"I'm free," Phil bubbled, as if I should know what he meant. I turned and looked out the bus window as we pulled to the next stop.
"Free from what?" I finally asked.
"You know that new guy in math class; Cody Saylor? He and his family showed up at church on Sunday and him and Bethany were like hangin' all morning, laughing and talking. Well when she saw me, she got all nervous like she had a secret or something, so I asked her if I could talk to her in private for a minute. She was like all beside herself apologizing to me before I even said a word, so I figured she and Cody must've really hit it off. I just came right out and told her that I really liked her, but that I wasn't ready to get into a relationship with anyone. She tried to look all sad and stuff, but when I told her that I thought Cody was a pretty cool guy, she kissed me on the cheek, and said she had figured for a long time that I wasn't really into us being a couple. Then she asked if I'd mind if she explored things with Cody. I tried to act all hurt and stuff, but I was like jumping up and down inside, because now Dillon can't tell her mom I broke up with her because I'm gay, which would have been a total lie anyway. I know when I'm ready, God'll bring a girl into my life who's just what I need. Anyway, as soon as I see Dillon, I'm telling him that she broke up with me, so you gotta tell him it's true, right?"
"Sure," I mumbled, leaning forward in my seat, trying hard not to let tears well up in my eyes.
"You okay?" Phil asked like he had just noticed for the first time that I was hurting.
"You and Dillon were right. Eddie was out with someone else on Saturday and it feels like I got a knife sticking in my back."
Eddie came sauntering up to me in his usual devil-may-care manner while I was getting books out of my hall locker. "Alex, why didn't you answer your phone on Saturday?"
"Maybe because it didn't ring?" I hissed into my hall locker at the voice behind me.
"I tried calling you like a million times on Saturday and it kept going right to voicemail. It's still off, see?" he said, showing me his phone with my name emblazoned across the screen.
Pulling my phone from my pocket, I wondered if the battery had died or something, but it appeared to be working fine.
"It must be broke, man. Call me, and see if it can send."
"Did you get a new number or something," Eddie immediately asked, again holding the phone so I could see it; "because your name's not coming up?"
I didn't know what to think, as Eddie fumbled with his phone and then announced that he found the problem. "My sisters must have been playing games with me. Look, they changed the three to a two. That must be why I couldn't call you."
"You could have come over to my house."
"When I couldn't get you, I figured you were away for the weekend."
"So, since you couldn't call me, you decided to call Brian instead. What color tee shirt did he have painted on his body this time?"
"I think it was black, why?" Eddie asked, oblivious to my sarcasm. Then, when he finally got it, he defended himself. "Alex, we didn't do anything but watch a movie, I swear."
"I never said you did."
"I thought you weren't gonna be like that anymore, Cachas. Lemme help you with that," he cooed as he draped his arms around me from behind and leaned his head on my shoulder.
Something didn't feel right about the whole situation, but there was something absolutely magical about his warm body touching mine, and the pain I'd been feeling started drifting away.
"You really tried to call me?"
"Like a million times."
"I guess I'm sorry then for thinking you ditched me so you could go out with Brian."
"Cachas, no. I wouldn't try to ditch you for anyone. You got to stop thinking like that. I got what you call "big love." I can love on a lot more than one person at a time."
I shrugged my shoulders and gave him a brave little grin.
"Let me show you," Eddie cooed as he practically dragged me into homeroom.
The entire room gasped when he spun me around, grabbed the sides of my head and started trying to lick my tonsils.
"That's enough, you two!" shouted Mrs. Reese from her desk. "I'll have none of that from any students in this room."
Luke Harrison coughed the word "faggot" into his hand as I walked past his desk.
"Luke, would you like to explain your sudden medical malady to the Principal Haller?" Mrs. Reese immediately spat in his direction, without even looking up from her desk.
"No m'am"
"I didn't think so. Then keep you private thoughts to yourself."
Phil had his head buried in his hands. I wasn't sure if he was praying, spazzing out, or just trying to avoid the whole incident.
"I guess that means you're officially out, huh?" Phil stoically said in a subdued voice.
"You don't have to be my friend anymore if you got a problem with it." I meant it, even though I was hoping he was just talking trash. At any rate, maybe some of the guys around us heard me say it and will think Phil didn't know about me.
At lunch Phil pulled me aside and asked, "What was that all about? I thought you said Eddie stuck a knife in your back over the weekend."
"His sister changed my phone number in his address book. That's why he didn't call me all weekend."
"You didn't try calling him?"
"He didn't answer. Maybe he thought I was someone else because my name didn't show up on his screen."
"So he goes to the movies with a guy who wanted him to explain, in a public bathroom, how to be gay."
"Will you cut with the sarcasm. He only took Brian because he thought I was out of town."
Phil raised one eyebrow the way he does when he doesn't believe something. "Anyway, wish me luck. Today's baseball tryouts. I'm gonna be a man," Phil joked, jumping into his best imitation of a body builders pose. I cracked up.
"What position are you trying out for?"
"I'm not sure. I'm not really good at throwing, so I'm thinking either outfield or catcher."
"Do you ever watch baseball?" I asked, thinking what he said was ridiculous.
"Yeah?"
"Don't catchers like have to throw the ball back to the pitcher after every pitch?"
"Oh yeah. Guess I'll try out for outfield."
Since Eddie was working, I decided to watch baseball tryouts. He was right about not being good at throwing. It was very entertaining. Some of the guys on the team thought so too, and started throwing the ball to each other in the same awkward way Phil threw. I felt bad for him when Coach Byers barked at the guys to stop screwing around and get to work. He almost yelled a second time at Phil, but I think he must have realize that he wasn't doing it to be funny, and actually tried to instruct him on proper technique.
When Phil headed to the outfield to take fly balls, he looked like a seasoned veteran. That is, until the first ball got hit in his direction. He stood too long, trying to figure out where the ball was going to come down, and by the time he started running it was way too late.
Coach Byers grabbed a bat and looked like he purposely hit balls at Phil. He was pretty amazing, because he could hit a ball to exactly where Phil was standing. ...or had been standing, anyway. Phil seemed to have a knack for getting out of the way of batted baseballs, which I'm thinking isn't a good thing.
Finally, the coach lofted a high ball that Phil seemed to get his radar set on. He really did look like he was going to catch it, but he didn't stop drifting in time, and at the last second the ball sailed over his glove. He only missed it by about a foot, so I'd have to say he was improving, but at that point I was guessing Mr. Byers wasn't looking for a project.
"Coach Byers told me to come to the gym early tomorrow so he could work with me before school," Phil excitedly babbled to me when he saw me standing outside the locker room after practice.
"You just want to be on the team so you can shower with the guys," I teased.
"I didn't even take a shower," he rebutted, lifting his arm to prove it to me.
"Gross," I protested. "How can you be one of the boys if you don't do manly things like play shower tag with a wet washcloth?"
"I'll manage."
My parents didn't even know Eddie had snuck in the house and spent the night. At least they didn't until mom saw him duck into my room after using the bathroom the next morning. She surprised both of us by not screaming at him, me, or us. All she said as she walked past my bedroom door was: "You are so grounded, Alex Daniel Harper. I want your phone and your computer cord before you leave for school."
I was ready for her this time. I could give her my old phone, because Eddie had gotten me a new one for my birthday, and after the last time I was grounded, I bought a spare power cord for my computer. My only challenge would be sneaking past whichever neighbor mom could convince to be her watchdog.
It was strange not seeing Phil get on the bus that morning. At first I thought maybe he was sick, but then I remembered that he had early practice with the baseball coach.
"How'd it go," I eagerly asked as soon as I got to homeroom.
"He just wanted to tell me that he thought I should consider going out for the Track and Field team. I guess he didn't want to embarrass me in front of the team yesterday. I told him I really appreciated him doing that for me, shook his hand, and left. He goes to our church, you know. He was my fifth grade Sunday School teacher."
"You're not all ticked off at him?"
"I don't need to play sports to prove to myself I'm a man."
"I thought your pastor told you to do it so you felt like more of a man, not so you could prove it to someone."
It must have been another one of those times where Phil thought God was talking through my mouth, because Phil got suddenly quiet, and looked like he had forgotten his mission. "I'll think of something."
Just then I saw Eddie – my Eddie – hitting on Caleb Krieder, the kid from the GLBT club. It wasn't too hard to know he was hitting on him because of the way Caleb's face was glowing bright red. I moved over in time to hear him telling Caleb he thought he was cute as any guy he knew. Caleb leaned back against the row of lockers and Eddie leaned in looking for all the world like he was going to kiss him right there in the hallway. He only backed off when he heard me clear my throat rather forcefully.
"Just playin' with ya, Caleb, I already got a boyfriend, but if you wan' some lessons..."
"Alex," Eddie called after me as I stormed off. "I was only messing with him."
That's the way it always was with Eddie. I just never knew where I stood with him until we got away somewhere private and let him persuade me that he wanted me.
That afternoon, Eddie snuck past Mrs. O'Brien, mom's sentry of the week, and surprised me as I was trying on one of mom's dresses.
"Cachas! You puttin' that on for me?"
I was so embarrassed. I didn't even know why I had decided to do it. ...and I certainly didn't want Eddie to think of me that way, but I guess I kept feeling like I had to do something more to make him forget about everyone else.
"Put that feathery thing aroun' your neck and do a dance for me," he said, pulling a boa out of the closet. "You should put together an act for a club somewhere. You make a really beautiful girl."
I doubt he meant it as a cut, but when he said it, all of my past came rushing at me and I left him standing there wondering what was going on as I locked myself in the bathroom. Who was I? ...and why was I so messed up. I hated my mom for what she had done. I hated my dad for not telling her to stop when he found out what she had been doing to me when I was little. I hated myself for not having any self-control, or even self-respect for that matter. ...and now I hated Eddie. He liked when I dressed up as a girl. I could see it in his eyes; hear it in his voice. Maybe he didn't like being gay either, I thought. And now he wants me to be a girl so he can appear "normal" to everyone who saw us together.
"Alex, what are you doing in there? I came over here to be with you, man."
I couldn't answer. He must have spent an hour pleading with me to come out; at first with the dress on, then he offered to hand some of my things to me if I'd only open the door. Finally, I heard him leave, and sobs overtook me, shaking my entire body to the core.
Phil's words kept echoing in my mind. "It's gonna kill you inside." He was right. Trying to play Eddie's game was killing me. I just wanted someone to hold me in their arms and tell me everything was going to be alright. I wanted Phil to hold me, and tell me he had changed his mind. I think that's when I knew I was in love. All the things I had tried to do to find it, and Phil was showing me what love really was all along.
Slowly, I put mom's things away. Then after I was dressed in my own clothes I pulled out my hidden computer cord and sat down to write an email. I still hadn't hit the send button –reading, rewriting, and reading the email again and again. When I heard the garage door open, I panicked and clicked the mouse button by mistake. It was too late to get it back and now Phil was going to find out how I really felt about him.
Monday as the school bus pulled up to Phil's stop, I felt like Forrest Gump explaining why life was like a box of chocolate "because you never know what you're going to get."
Phil's smile, as he sat in the seat beside me told me he at least wasn't mad at me.
"Got your email," he told me.
Silence.
"Rough time with Eddie?"
"Is there ever a time when it's not rough being his boyfriend?"
It was an awkward ride to school, neither one of us saying much. I wondered as we got up to exit the bus if maybe Phil was reconsidering his "too religious" views.
If he had spent some time reconsidering where he stood on the issue, it apparently did nothing to change his mind, and for the rest of the school year our lives went on pretty much as before. June tenth, was our last day as juniors at Quaker Hills High School. Our classes today were more of a technicality than an actual school day, and so all the clubs that met during the school year, planned an activity or meeting so they could say good-bye to each other for the summer, or in the case of the seniors, maybe forever.
I asked Phil to come to the GLBT club meeting with me and Eddie to show support for the group even if he wasn't "gay". He reluctantly agreed to go and asked Dillon to go with us as well. Dillon rolled his eyes in a big arc and said, "Only if Susan agrees to come along with me."
He found Susan and told her briefly about the four of us and how we had come to know each other. She actually thought it was pretty cool and wanted to meet the gang.
Ten minutes past one saw the five of us, me, Eduardo, Dillon hanging on to Susan for dear life, and Phil walk into room 202. You should have seen the eyebrows go up when we entered. I quickly announced to everyone that Eduardo and I had brought three of our straight friends along with us because they wanted to show their support for the club. A sudden cheer rang out from everyone present which made Dillon look all the more like he wanted to fall through a crack in the floor. He kept pulling at Susan's arm as if to signal that they should leave, but she was determined to stay put.
They were a cute couple, and it was pretty obvious to everyone that they were in love with each other.
I wasn't really surprised by it but it looked like almost everyone else in the room was. Then none other than football jock-stud, Brian Lomax, walked through the doorway and took a seat in the circle. No one said a word to him, so he, looking at no one in particular, broke the ice.
"My name's Brian Lomax, I'm, like... I'm tired of pretending to be someone I'm not. I want to tell the whole world right now."He stood up, looked in the direction of the open doorway, and in a voice loud enough to carry into the hallway announced "Yo, everyone out there, Brian Lomax is gay, and proud!"
I looked out the door and saw a few people looking to see who had actually yelled those words. It seemed like everyone who peered into our little community gasped and took off running, presumably to tell as many friends as would listen. Eduardo leaned forward and put his head into his hands covering his eyes. I felt my heart breaking in two.
I must have had that lost look written across my face when Phil caught up with me on the bus. We didn't talk much as we made the final bus trip of the school year seated beside each other. At his bus stop, he just put out his fist as he always did. I touched my fist to his and he told me he'd be over as soon as he was finished with supper.
"Whatever. I don't know if I'll be around. It's been nice knowin' ya anyway."
Later I heard the doorbell ring and my dad tell someone "Upstairs." I dreaded facing Phil in my current state of mind. I was tired – tired of all the BS that my life was; tired of trying anymore. I just wanted to go to sleep and never wake up. Why couldn't it have been me instead of my perfect brother?