Chapter 14
By the time three weeks had rolled around, I was getting used to the way the Johnson family operated. There was no denying this was a very different family than my own. For one thing, it seemed like they were always happy – not that they never had any arguments with each other – but when they did argue over something, one of them would eventually apologize to the other, and then they were happy again. ...weird
For the most part, Phil had done a credible job of not bringing religion into every conversation. But that seemed so unnatural that it somehow made me think about God anyway. I guess what made it all tolerable was that I felt safe here. And it was pretty cool not to feel like there was a hand hanging over my head waiting to slap me every time I messed up.
Friday after school Phil's dad was waiting for us. "Alex, your dad called a little while ago and said he and your mom were ready for you to come home."
My legs turned to rubber, and I think the thing in my throat that goes up and down when you swallow got stuck at the top. I so did not want to go back there. That night, I decided that if religion was what made the Johnson house so peaceful, then maybe I should try to take some of it home with me. Maybe my family could change and be like this one.
I was sitting on the air mattress staring at the glow in the dark constellation stickers on the ceiling when Phil came in the room to crawl into bed. "If I gave you one chance to convince me to become a Christian, what would you tell me that you haven't already said?"
I hadn't altered my gaze, but from the sound of his voice I knew Phil's face must have lit up like the sun. "You serious? I can say anything I want and you're just gonna lay there and listen?"
"One chance," I solemnly reiterated.
"Do I have a time limit?"
"Fifteen minutes. ...and you'd better make it good, because after that if you don't convince me, then we go back to talking about other things."
"Give me a sec, k?"
Phil shot out of the room, headed for I didn't know where. I could hear him talking with someone but couldn't tell who it was.
He came back into the bedroom a minute later, looking all business, and began telling me a story I presumed to have been from the bible.
"There was this guy who grew up with his brother on a farm. Back then, you worked for your dad until he died and then you got to split his property with your brothers and start your own farm. Well, he must have hated farming because he told his dad he didn't want to have to wait for him to die to get his share of the farm. Basically he was telling his dad to his face he didn't want to see him again because back then, they threw you out of the family if you did something like that. Anyway, his dad sold half of everything and gave it to his son and the guy left.
"He was pretty much just like I was back in ninth grade, because in a few years he had blown everything his dad gave him. That's also when he found out that he only had friends because he had money; and when he stopped having money and didn't have friends, he didn't have anything to eat either. Anyway, he got so hungry he decided to try and get his dad to hire him as a slave because he knew his dad's slaves at least had food.
"This is where it gets really amazing. Bet you can't guess what happens next?" he asked me.
"I know what my dad would do," I whined. "Tell me not to let the door hit me on the way out."
"That's not what this guy did. Jesus just told this story to show people that God's not like that. Instead of being mad at his son and telling him to get lost, he ran out to meet him and threw his best robe over the guy's shoulders. The guy was like so excited that his son came back that he had the best cow killed so they could party to celebrate. Alex, the guy was so happy to see his son again he didn't even rag to him about how messed up he was; he was just happy to have him be part of the family again.
"So anyway, like here's the thing; dude, God's just like that. From the time we're born, we do our own thing, and we're out there trying to make it on our own. All God asks is that we give him a chance to show us some love. That's why I talk about him all the time. When I was down and out, I gave him a chance, and even though some things are still hard, I'm happy with what I have and who I am.
"Are you happy, Alex?"
"What do you think?"
"I think your time has come, bro. All you gotta do is ask him to take over your life and he'll do amazing things for you."
I'm not exactly sure how he did it just by telling me a story, but somehow my insides were twisting and tugging for me to ask him to help me meet God for myself. "How do I do it," I asked, fully accepting that he was right. I was tired of all the crap in my life and really did want to have peace like he had.
"Just repeat this prayer."
I don't even know why I said it, because my original intention was to live in a peaceful place, but I did. "He'll make me straight when I ask him to?" It was a statement more than a question.
Phil hesitated. ...and that broke the momentum considerably.
"Look, I think I get it. ...what you've been trying to tell me. I'm willing to say the prayer, `cause I'm really dreading moving back home, but just said a person has to take the bad with the good, right?"
Phil nodded confidently, knowing that he was gonna have a new church buddy, but I was suddenly getting cold feet. "Unless he makes me start liking girls, then I'm not sure I see the point, `cause if I'm still lookin' at guys, then I'm not saying I won't have a boyfriend at some point."
I was confused at how easily Phil told me; "Your loss. You don't get to bargain with God. You either turn your whole life over to him, or you don't." It had to come as a shock to him when I suddenly changed my mind, but he was acting like he didn't really care if I prayed the prayer or not. Now I was confused – and worried.
"What if I look for a Christian boyfriend?"
"Alex, the whole point in giving your life to God, is giving your life to God."
"I don't think I get what you're saying."
"You have to trust him enough to at least try to do what he says is right. He'll get you through the tough times, but I promise they won't be as tough as you think they'll be. Now are you gonna pray with me or aren't you?"
"You think your brothers left any ice cream in the freezer? I could get into a bowl of cherry vanilla right about now."
I could clearly see Phil was disappointed that he hadn't convinced me, but he just chuckled and punched my arm before rolling into his sleeping bag.
Next morning I overheard Phil discussing our conversation with his dad. I figured he'd be all bummed out over what happened last night, but instead he was confidently telling Ed how long his camp buddy's grandma prayed for him before the guy finally gave in.
"I'll just keep praying for Alex and trust God to do the work."
I wondered if I was a marked man.
It was now November. Life at home was only marginally better than before I moved out. My parents promised their counselor that they wouldn't argue over every little thing, so instead, they just mostly ignored each other, except when I happened to be in the room and mom could complain to dad about something he did by telling me. I missed the quiet peace I felt at the Johnson's and wondered if I made a mistake by not trying God "on for size." I mean it's not like I had a boyfriend, or even had any hopes in that department.
It seemed like there was a new student in every one of my classes this past week. Phase III of East Quaker Hills Estate was nearing completion, people were moving in all the time. After school on Tuesday I "just happened" to be passing by room 202 again, doing my almost weekly check to try and see who was attending the club meeting. It seemed like when I told Phil "no" that night, my mind had been bugging me to be honest about who I am – my mind's good at thinking stuff like that. What my mind's not good at doing is convincing my body to act on things that I'm afraid of. Why do all the other people in this world make it so hard for someone like me to be real? I wanted to get it over with, but there was just no way I was gonna take a chance like that.
Actually, it amazed me that no one had caught on to me wandering past the door most every Tuesday, but as far as I knew, I was still flying stealth. This week though, things were different. I had just gotten past the door, and had spun my head around to check and see if anyone had been watching me, when I spotted him. He was headed straight toward me, and had a big smile on his face.
"Yo!"
I almost wet myself when Mr. Tall-Dark-and-Handsome actually talked to me. Well he didn't really talk to me, unless "yo" is considered conversation. "You better watch where you're going, hombre," he told me as he stepped out of my way just in time. "Or else you're going to kill someones. Ees this where the gay club meets?"
"I think so."
"Are you going in?"
"Ah-h-h, not really!" I stuttered. Then realizing that this totally hot guy was seriously ogling me, I asked him "Are... Like are you going in there?"
"Yeah, I wan' to check it out."
"A... Actually, I was thinking about it. It's just that I've never been there before." He smiled at me, put his arm around my shoulder, said "come on," and proceeded to walk me through the doorway that I had so come to fear.
"You have a boyfren, amigo?"
"Not really."
He dropped his arm from my shoulder, and held out his fist at waist level. "It's a wonder. You're one totally fine cachas. I'm Eduardo Herrera, but my friends call me Eddie. My family just moved here today."
"Alex Harper." I told him meeting his fist with mine. "I've been here all my life. I mean, not here, but in Quaker Hills all my life. What class are you in?"
"I should be a senior, but they tol' me I didn't have enough credits, so they're making me be a junior again. Tomorrow's my first day here... How `bout you?"
"Awesome! I'm a junior too. You assigned a homeroom yet?"
He pulled a piece of paper out of his back pocket and looked at his class schedule. "Two-seventeen" he said.
"Cool." That's me and my best friend Phil Johnson's homeroom."
By now all heads in the room were turned to look at us, and more than a few eyebrows went up when they saw me.
"Alex Harper? Oh – my – freakin' – god!" Rita Long called from across the room with special emphasis on each word. "No way! I like had no idea."
My face instantly turned fire engine red. "Yeah, well... I... well I'm sure you know how hard the first step is."
With that she jumped out of her seat and came over to give me a big hug. "This is like so, so awesome, Alex." I wanted to disappear when she saucily asked, "Who's your cute boyfriend?"
"Huh? Oh, ah... this is Eduardo Heh..." I looked at Eduardo because I couldn't remember how to say his last name. That's when I noticed that he was looking into my eyes, kind of like Phil does sometimes when he's asking a question, and wanting to know if I was interested. I must be dreaming.
"Herrera" he told her while looking straight into my eyes.
I wordlessly asked him if I was reading him right by raising my brow. His broadening smile told me all I needed to know.
"I like, just sorta ran into him in the hallway outside the door," I continued, hoping Rita was still listening but not looking for her. I was too busy watching Eduardo's eyes checking me out.
"I told you guys," someone in the room announced. "Dude, I've like seen you go past here every week, checkin' us out, like forever."
I looked at the floor, embarrassed that someone had noticed me hanging around.
The guy must not have cared though, because he got up and held out his hand for me to shake. I was suddenly glad I hadn't taken up Phil on his offer to join him in the pursuit of "straightness." I had found friends here who were like me, and now I was wondering why I waited so long to join them. The thought crossed my mind that the word "proud" had to do with the way you felt when you conquered your fear and stepped out of the closet. Okay, I had some help – but anyway, I did it.
"Hey everybody, let's get started" called a female voice from the back of the room where a circle of chairs were waiting for us. "We have three new people here today so let's begin with everyone telling us their name and a little about themselves" she said as we found a seat and sat down. "I'll go first"
Her name was Laura Engle. Next was Joshua Anderson, who had a wispy voice and a wavy hand. I watched a few eyes roll when he said he'd never been on a date, and didn't wonder why.
"Caleb Kreider," said a kid who looked too young to be in high school. "I came out last year, after someone found a picture that fell out of my book in Comp class, of me and Cory Dixon holding hands at a birthday party. It's been pretty tough for me at school since then. I think there was only one day last week that I didn't have to pick my books off the floor between classes. Cory's parents moved away on account of someone telling them about the picture. My parents say they're trying to understand me, but they keep bugging me to ask a girl to go on a date. I pretty much just ignore them, though."
Shelly Campbell introduced herself after Caleb was done. She seemed like she was kind of like me; not really out of the closet and hoping that when she got to college things would be a little easier.
Eddie was sitting next to Shelly. "I jus' moved here yesterday. I came out to my parents two years ago, and they're pretty cool with it. I really love my parents and my family. I got an older brother who's at college, and two younger sisters. They're pretty cool about me being gay too."
I was still trying to get my head around Eddie's family accepting him as gay when I realized everyone was waiting for me to start talking.
"Wow, I didn't know any parent could be cool with their son being gay. Ah... I'm Alex Harper. Um... I told my parents that I was gay about a month ago," I said, glancing at Eddie to see his reaction. "My mom pretty much blew a gasket when I told her. Things got so bad I had to move out for a while. My dad doesn't say anything about it, but he kind of looks at me like I make him sick." I'm not sure how many in the room heard that part, though, because when I told them I had to move out, everyone gasped and started whispering to each other. "Ah-h-h...I kind of wanted to come here before, but... well I guess I was just scared." Eduardo slid his chair close to mine and laid his hand between my shoulder blades. His touch sent shivers through my body.
"Where do you live now?" Caleb asked me, eyes wide; uncomprehending.
"I ended up moving back after they got counseling. I stayed with a `straight' friend for a while," emphasizing the word straight so I didn't bring a lot of trouble down on Phil's back. I suddenly wondered what he would say when he found out that I had come here and declared to the world I'm not the guy they thought I was. I wondered if the jocks had some kind of a list that they passed around, letting everyone know who to pick on that day. If they did, I was sure that my name would be at the top of it by tomorrow, and like Caleb I'd be picking my books off the hallway floor between every class from now on. Maybe this wasn't such a good idea after all. ...Then I looked at Eduardo's smile, and figured maybe I could make it.
Just like when my dad saw my mom for the first time and knew he wanted her, I knew there was something special between me and Eduardo that I wanted. Although he was way hot in my book, it wasn't just something physical that drew me to him. And even though he had golden brown eyes like Casey, that wasn't what sucked me in either. I couldn't explain it if I tried, but I felt like there was something inside me that instantly connected with him. And, somehow I knew he felt the same way about me, too, because of how he kept looking my way and smiling.
"...so, what can we do to encourage other students who are afraid to come out, to join us" Laura was asking the group. I had missed the last four or five introductions.
Nervously, I reached out and laid my hand on top of Eduardo's, which was lying on my desktop. When he spread his fingers apart, I traced mine between his. We closed our hands together and all I could think about was that I made it to heaven before Phil did. I sat there without moving for the rest of the meeting; afraid of waking up and finding that I had been daydreaming.
There was a lot of small talk at the meeting as well as a discussion on what to do for the recruiting effort in January. Seeing me there, seemed to steer the group's effort more toward reaching out to students who like me, had been attending Quaker Hills for years and hadn't mustered enough courage to walk through that door on any given Tuesday afternoon.
I don't remember much else about the meeting. Frankly, I didn't really have much interest in what they were discussing. I had found exactly what I wanted to find, and now I wanted to leave with him.
At last the meeting ended and Eduardo and I got up together to leave. He draped his arm across my shoulder again as we walked toward the doorway which would now lead me into a brand new world. As we walked, I suddenly became aware of the rainbow theme of his tie-dyed shirt, and the words "Rainbow Power" that were written in pen on the neckband. There was no turning back now, when we left the room anyone who saw me with Eddie would know my secret.
I took a deep breath.
I was ready. ...well, I thought I was ready.
My heart jumped into my throat the minute I saw Phil leaning against the row of lockers across the hall from us, skateboard propped up alongside of him. I felt my face growing red again as he watched the two of us approach. It's not like he didn't know I was gay, so why was him seeing me with Eduardo so different than talking to him about Casey? I knew he probably had already figured out what I was up to anyway or he wouldn't have been standing there, but I had a lump in my throat.
"Hey, Phil" I said sheepishly, forcing myself not to look at the floor.
"Hey Alex, I ahhh... kinda saw you wandering around the club room after school and... well I saw you guys go into the room. I figured you wouldn't be home when I stopped by to go to the skate park today. Anyway, I just sort of came back here to hang around for a while to see if you were still planning on going." Then holding out his fist toward Eduardo, he greeted him with "I'm Phil Johnson."
"Ah... well this is Eduardo Herrera" I told him.
"Good to meet you hombre. Most of the guys call me Eddie."
"He's new here, and he asked me if I'd take him to the club meeting."
I hadn't realized I was holding my breath until, seeing Phil smile, I began breathing again.
"You skate board?" Phil asked eagerly.
"Never tried it, but I've always wan-ned to. Sounds like it could be fun if you and Alex here, would help me."
"You're on... you guys want to go now? We could stop by my house and get my extra deck."
"Phil, that sounds cool, but actually my mom's coming by in a few. I'll see you tomorrow in homeroom. Alex says that we're in the same one, so we can talk about going then. Sorry, man"
Eddie leaned in and looked like he wanted to kiss me. Phil noticed it too, because just like that, he grabbed his deck and was off.
He must have had a lot of practice, because it wasn't just a hit and run kind of kiss. I felt myself letting go, even though I was more than a little concerned that someone might see us.
"That's so awesome that we foun' each other before I even started school here. Let me taste your lips again, ése," Eddie cooed as soon as our lips broke apart. He looked into my eyes for a moment, before closing them again and sucking my lips into his mouth. All my troubles seemed far away as I let him make love to me there in the hallway under the watchful eyes of those two guys on the poster that hung by the doorway of room 202. Life is good!