All rights reserved. Copyright held by the author. If you are underage or are offended by gay fiction, containing graphic sex and explicit language, please exit now.
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"THE PASSION OF MATTHEW"
Copyright Ritchris 2005
A story by
Ritch Christopher
Literary enhancement by
Les Martin
Chapter Six
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Hank stood looking at the phone in his hand. Lance had terminated the conversation in his usual offhand manner, but this time Hank was aware of a unsettled, slightly disturbed feeling at the pit of his stomach. 'If Lance really loved me, would it hurt me so much, just once, to say those three simple words?' Then he returned to the present and remembered the others inside around the dining table. Reentering the house, he found the table already cleared. Glancing into the living room, he saw that Mike, Art, and Jim had settled down on the couch to watch TV. Quickly moving to the kitchen, Hank found Bob and John washing the dishes and all the pots and pans, but Matt was nowhere to be seen. Hank remembered the troubled look on Matt's face when Hank's cell phone rang, so he assumed Matt had gone to his room.
Hank called out to Bob and John, rather loudly, "Hey, you guys aren't supposed to do the dishes! You worked hard enough all day on the pipeline."
"Would you just relax?" Bob said. "From the looks of the meal we just ate, you worked as hard as any of us did!"
"Hank, that roast was terrific!" John added, smiling broadly.
"You can say that again!" Bob echoed.
"Hey, guys, it was good, but not all that great! It was my first time to try cooking a roast," Hank replied.
"You keep cooking meals like that one and we'll be taking off work at four o'clock just to hurry home and eat!" Bob said.
"I can't promise that tomorrow's dinner will turn out as well, but I'll try," Hank replied. "Hey, did Matt go to his room?"
"Yeah," John said, "right after you got your call."
"You got a girlfriend who calls you every night?" Bob asked.
"No, just a friend from home."
"Must be a special friend who calls you two nights in a row," John added.
"He IS special," Hank answered.
Hank's remark made John give Bob another 'knowing' look. "Is he a friend from high school?"
"No, he's out of college. He's married but we're still good friends."
This time, Bob gave John a look. Both were curious and were tempted to pry, but they didn't want to embarrass Hank.
"So your friend must know your dad?" Bob asked, keeping his eyes on the dish he was washing.
"Actually, Bob, my friend and my dad have never even met."
"Oh?" Bob and John said in unison.
In an attempt to change the subject, Hank said," You guys should know, I didn't prepare the meal by myself. Matt helped."
"You've got to be kidding!" John said. "Does Mike know?"
"Not yet, but I DO want to tell him," Hank replied with pride. "Would you believe that he peeled the potatoes and cut up ALL of the vegetables by himself?"
"How in the world did he do that? I mean, how can you peel a potato one-handed?"
"I was surprised as you are. He wouldn't let me help him. He wanted to show me that he could peel and cut them up without any assistance from me. I just stood back and watched as he steadied the potatoes with his short arm while he worked the potato peeler with his good hand. He had no trouble doing it."
"I can't believe how much Matt's changed since you came here. I told Bob about it last night and Bob made a funny observation."
"What?"
"You know in the Bible when Jesus raised Lazarus from the dead?"
"Yeah?"
"Well, your last name is Lazarus and it appears that you may have raised Matt from the dead. Before you got here, we wouldn't see Matt for days at a time. He stayed in his room, NEVER came out. Now, just after a couple of days with you being here with Matt, he's coming out of his room, sitting at the table, eating with us, and actually joining in the conversation. Not even Mike's seen Matt do that since he came home from Iraq."
"I knew he had assumed the role of a recluse, but I didn't know it was that severe!"
"Hank, can I ask you...if you know...what's brought about the sudden change in Matt?" John asked.
"I...I can't tell you some of the things he's said to me, but he HAS opened up and revealed quite a lot of his war experiences to me."
"He hasn't done that, even with Mike. Maybe it's because you two are about the same age and you're more like a peer to him than we older guys are," Bob added.
There was a pause before John spoke, "Hank?"
"Yeah?"
"Have you noticed the way Matt looks at you?"
"No, not really. What do you mean?"
"All right, you just said that Matt had revealed certain secrets to you. You seemed to be the type a guy can trust. If you won't say a word to Mike, Art, or Jim, I'd like to tell you another secret about me and Bob."
"I won't say anything to anybody."
"Well, the way Matt looks at you...Bob and I talked about it last night. You see, I remember giving that same kind of look to John when we were college roommates... before either of us got married."
"What kind of look are you talking about, John?"
"You see, when the two of us were just a bit younger than you and Matt, well, Bob and I had a fling."
"Huh?"
"A ROMANTIC fling. We...Bob and I...we loved each other. We weren't just college roommates, we were gay college roommates. I loved Bob with all my heart...long before I met my wife or Bob met his."
"You two were gay?"
"'Were'...'are'...what's the difference? We both still love each other. I'm pretty sure that Mike knows, as does Art. Jim probably DOESN'T know. However, it's something that neither of us has ever discussed with ANY of them before."
"But---you're married!"
"Hell, marriage doesn't stop a guy from having feelings about his first love. You know, guys are taught to make sure that, when they lose their virginity, it had better be to somebody special because that FIRST somebody is the one you'll never forget, you'll remember him or her the rest of your life."
"So am I to believe that you think Matt looks at me in a...a gay way?"
"By God, something has made him change almost overnight."
"Does Matt know that it's your friend who called you last night and tonight?" John asked.
"Yes, I told him," Hank said, slightly embarrassed.
"Can I ask if your friend is...MORE than a friend?"
"Since you two have been honest with me, I'll do the same for you. Yes, my friend's name is Lance...and we ARE more than just friends."
"Does Matt know about this?"
"I suppose so. Yeah. I...I told him."
"I thought so!" John exclaimed. "Hank, you might just have a problem you're not aware of," Bob said.
"What? You're insinuating that Matt has a crush on me?"
"I'm not just insinuating, I'm telling you, Hank..."
"Bob, I already know about it. You see, Matt told me."
"Dear God!" Bob remarked. "THAT explains everything. That look on Matt's face when your friend called you. I could see that the call upset Matt, just as if he was jealous."
"I saw it too, Bob," Hank confessed. "I...I almost didn't take the call because of it. I have a pretty good idea of how Matt feels about me and the last thing in the world I want is to hurt Matt."
"You've got yourself in a mess, haven't you, Hank?"
"I know and I have to handle Matt with kid gloves. I don't want him to fall in love with me. I'll be leaving at the end of August and since Matt has a history of trying to kill himself, my leaving just might push him off the edge for good."
"I can't tell you what to do, Hank," John said. "But I DO think you ought to talk to Mike about the situation. Of course, that would mean you'd have to admit you're gay to Mike. Does your dad know about you?"
"Heck, no!"
"Jesus! Then you run the risk of Mike slipping and telling your dad what you don't want him to know!"
"I've already thought about that, John. If I hadn't seen the way Matt looks at me or if he hadn't already told me the way he feels...I'd never consider telling Mike or any of you guys that I'm gay. My dad is so straight-laced, he'd probably beat the crap out of me if he found out."
"For the time being, Hank," John added, "let's just keep this little talk among the three of us. Maybe Matt will see that having a crush on you is a hopeless cause, what with your having a boyfriend and all. Maybe he'll respect yours and Lance's relationship and keep his distance. Just don't hurt him, Hank."
"I don't want to. Perhaps, tomorrow night when Lance calls, I'll tell him to call me later in the evening when I think Matt is ready to go to bed."
"THAT might help...but then, if he thinks Lance has stopped calling you, it might give Matt the hint that you're available now for him!"
"Come on, John," Bob said. "Let's let Hank do his own thinking while you and I go watch 'CSI' or something on TV!"
"That's a good idea, John. But remember, Hank, if you feel like you need to talk or if the situation with Matt is getting out of hand, come and talk to either of us."
"I will, Bob...and thanks...to both of you...thanks!"
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Rather than going into the living room to watch TV with the others, Hank picked up a couple of cookbooks and went into his room to choose the menu for tomorrow night's dinner. As he walked down the hall, Hank passed his own bedroom, going to the last door, the door to Matt's room. Being as quiet as possible, Hank pressed his ear to Matt's door to see if he could hear the sound of Matt's television or any other indication that Matt was still awake, but Matt's room was silent. Hank thought to himself that surely his getting the phone call from Lance wouldn't be enough reason to Matt to hurt himself or worse. So Hank tapped quietly on Matt's door to see if Matt would respond, at least verbally.
"Yeah?" Matt answered, coarsely.
"It's me, Hank. I just wanted to know if you're all right?"
"Sure, why shouldn't I be all right?"
"No reason. Can I come in?"
"The door's unlocked. You'll notice I don't have a lock on my door. Uncle Mike removed it the first time I...he removed it a long time ago."
Hank opened the door and entered. Matt was lying on the bed, still wearing his new duds.
"I...I just wanted to tell you some of the nice things everyone said about dinner tonight. I just wish you had been there to hear them for yourself."
"You did all the cooking. Why should I take a bow for peeling and chopping up a few vegetables?"
"Primarily, because you involved yourself in something. You were doing something constructive rather than just lying in your bed feeling sorry for yourself."
"That's a load of crap and you know it!"
"You deny that you spend most of your time lying around moping and wishing you were dead?"
"When I'm ready to die, I'll do it and not a minute before."
"Matt, didn't you feel just a little bit proud of the way you helped me in the kitchen?"
"Oh, yeah, it was a tremendous feat of agility for me---peeling a few potatoes!"
"Tell me, Matt. When you were in Germany undergoing therapy, did any of the military therapists get you to try your hand at arts and crafts?"
"Yeah. One idiot had me do finger-painting, another tried to get me to paint pictures with watercolors."
"Were you any good at it?"
"Sure, one of my paintings was put on auction at Lloyd's of London. Actually they outbid Christie's in New York. I think my first watercolor went for two million dollars and it's hanging at the Musée du Louvre in Paris."
"Get serious, Matt! Did you like painting with watercolors?"
"Sure, only no one knew what the fuck I had painted."
"Was it a landscape or a still-life?"
"Neither. One asshole told me to paint what my mind was thinking."
"And..."
"I only used two colors. I painted the entire background solid black. Then I took my brush and got it as wet with water as possible and dipped it into a bottle of bright red. Then I made splotches in various places of the red in the foreground so that they ran down to the bottom of the easel."
"This was a sign of what your were thinking?"
"Yeah, the black represented my feelings about the war in Iraq and the running red was all the blood I had seen shed by my fellow Marines. THAT'S what was on my mind at the time."
"Did you tell anyone why you painted what you did?"
"Even those dipshits knew right away what the painting meant. They didn't have to be art curators to see what my painting represented."
"But you said you liked painting with watercolors?"
"So? Why do you ask?"
"I thought I'd get you some poster board and some watercolors to let you continue. You know, let it become a hobby."
"If I say, 'no', what's next? Model cars? Balsa airplanes? Jigsaw puzzles?"
"Matt, you know I'm trying to help you."
"Good! Why don't you buy me some tools and I can pursue woodwork as a hobby? Build a birdcage or some book ends, or a mail box! Only be sure and buy some heavy duty sandpaper and I can try to sand some of the scars off my body. You know, sand down to the second or third layer of my epidermis until it scabs over and new smooth skin will grow back and replace the skin I've got."
"You know if it weren't for the precarious shape your lungs are in, that might be possible with a good plastic surgeon."
"Yeah, and while he's at it, he could slice into my pectoral muscles and augment them with breast implants! Maybe I could attract some guy if I had big boobs!"
"I'm afraid if most guys were like me, big boobs wouldn't turn them on!"
"What WOULD turn YOU on? Maybe if I were a few years older and had a wife with lots of money?"
"Matt, that isn't fair."
"Hell, Hank. This afternoon, for a split second---and I DO mean a very split second--- I thought that just MAYBE you might learn to care for me just a little."
"I DO care about you, Hank, but as a friend, NOT a lover."
"Hank, since you're digging deeply into my psyche, can I pry into yours a bit?"
"I suppose that's fair. What would you like to ask, Matt?"
"I'd like to know, and it's certainly none of my business, but when you meet Lance once a week, does he get you to suck his cock?"
"Occasionally, yes."
"And does he suck yours in return?"
"Usually."
"Do you take turns in the same way, fucking one another?"
"Well, yes."
"So the idea of holding a penis or putting one into your mouth doesn't disgust you?"
"Not in the least. Why did you ask?"
"I was just wondering...IF the lights were turned off, would it disgust you to have oral sex with me. I mean if the room was dark enough so that you couldn't see the scarred skin on the rest of my body?"
"No, Matt, I don't think that would bother me. I probably could even with the lights ON...IF I were in love with you."
"But you're NOT in love with me."
"That's right, Matt. I have fond feeling for you as a friend, but I'm NOT in love with you."
"So you've never sucked ANYONE'S cock unless you were in love with its owner."
"No, I haven't!"
"Then tell me, Hank, if my skin was smooth as yours or as Lance's must be, could you fall in love with me?"
"I don't know, Matt. You see, falling in love with someone is actually looking beneath one's outward appearance. I hate to say this to you, but you have one bad trait that overshadows your physical appearance."
"Like what?"
"Your goddamned negativity. You hate yourself and it goes beyond just the way you look to yourself and to other people, I couldn't love Lance if he had a negative attitude like yours."
"So what if, by some miracle, I could develop a positive attitude, then would I stand the chance of your loving me?"
"I don't know, Matt, but it WOULD be a step in the right direction."
"I was just wondering, that's all."
"At the moment, that's why I suggested you get interested in a hobby or in something to get your mind off yourself."
"Do you mean to say that peeling a few fucking potatoes is going to help me forget the way I look?"
"Matt, if you could find SOMETHING about yourself to give you some pride. Very frankly, I'm sorry you weren't there to hear the way Mike, Bob, John, and Art bragged on the dinner you and I prepared. I don't think it would have been the biggest big ego builder in the world, but it's nice for someone...ANYONE...to say nice things about you to your face. I'll tell you another thing you missed by going to your room so quickly after dinner."
"What?"
"It was the way you looked...new clothes! Your personal hygiene and grooming was immaculate. EVERYONE of the guys remarked on how good you looked. Tell me something---did you leave because I got the phone call from Lance?"
"Everything was going great...even I felt a sense of pride or perhaps, false pride, with a certain amount of dignity...then your BOYFRIEND called and I had to leave the room. I've never met your Lance, but I DO know that I hate him!:
"That's an idiotic thing to say...hating someone you've never met."
"So I'm an IDIOT! That doesn't change the way I feel about you!"
"And how DO you feel about me, Matt?"
"I'm in love with you, God damn it!"
"Matt, you don't even know me!"
"What's there to know when my feelings for you outweigh all that I DON'T know about you?"
"Matt, you've got to look at the BIG picture of loving me! Where could it lead? A relationship between us is already doomed before it begins. You know I'll be leaving here, AND you, in a matter of eleven or twelve weeks. I just don't want to say goodbye to you on the last week of August, drive away, and, when I get a mile or two outside of the Philemon city limits, receive a call from Mike that you died from a broken heart or that you have finally found a way to successfully kill yourself."
"Maybe, but don't you see how important those eleven or twelve weeks could be to me? Hell, I know we can't be together for all time, but eleven or twelve weeks of loving you is worth a lifetime to me. You'll still have decades to love and live with Lance." His pleading voice was tinged with a heavy bitterness.
"Matt, I couldn't possibly enter into a relationship with you or anyone else while knowing it could break yours or someone's heart in such a short time."
"Then you won't even consider it?"
"As much as I would like to make your life happier, I wouldn't ever be able to forget I'd be hurting you. I've suffered enough hurt in my own lifetime to realize what consequences it could bring."
"Then your answer is 'no'?"
"Yes, Matt, it's 'no'. But I WILL be your best friend if you'll let me."
"I guess that's better than nothing. I've sorta learned to take what I can get and not to expect more of anything."
"Will you be MY friend, Matt?"
"...Yes..."
"Good, then I'll expect you to help me with dinner tomorrow night."
"Can we take time out to watch a movie first?"
"Sure, I don't see why not! Would you rather I choose one with a happy ending?"
"It doesn't matter as long as it speaks with honesty. I hate fairy-tale endings."
"I'll go to my room and see what I can find."
"I saw one in your collection with Hugh Grant's picture on the cover."
"Oh, that one---it's a period piece based on an E.M. Forster novel called, 'Maurice'."
"Is Hugh Grant gay in the movie?"
"Very much so. There's quite a bit of male nudity in it with Rupert Graves. Would you like to see it?"
"Happy ending or sad?"
"It's an honest happy ending."
"Good. That's the one I want to see."
"After that, we can bake a ham with pineapples and cherries."
"I showed you I could peel potatoes, but I've never tried cutting up a pineapple."
"We'll used canned pineapple, already sliced."
"Great. I CAN open up a can."
"Think you can shuck some corn ears?"
"Bet your ass I can."
"Then dinner will be a snap! Will you be all right if I leave you now and go to my room?"
"Yeah, sure."
"Then, good night, Matt!"
"Good night, Hank."
As soon as Hank exited and left Matt all alone, Matt looked at the closed door and quietly said, "In spite of everything, I DO love you, Hank...honest!"
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'CSI' ended and Jim got up from one of the living room easy chairs, stretched, and said, "That's about it for me tonight, guys."
"Aren't you gonna stay up and watch the late news?" Art asked.
"The last thing I need before going to bed is hearing something that's gonna depress me!"
"Like what, Jim?"
"Anything that fucker in the White House does depresses me!"
"I can say, 'amen', to that, Jimbo!" Art replied. "I keep hoping that some Congressmen will call for a mental health committee to investigate him and find him incompetent."
"Hell, all you have to do is listen to one of his speeches or look over his record to see he's incompetent."
"I mean mentally incompetent, Jim."
"So do I. Good night, guys. See you in the morning."
Jim went down the hall to his bedroom, leaving Mike, Art, Bob, and John to watch the eleven o'clock news together. All that really concerned them was the weather report to see if it was going to rain tomorrow and impede their work. The World News started out with a tragic story, six more Marines had been killed in a helicopter crash in Iraq and two had been killed and thirteen others wounded by a roadside bomb. Mike found himself hoping that Matt wasn't watching the news in his bedroom. It would only upset him, but then why shouldn't it upset every American? The only night Matt had sat with them to watch the news was the night Ted Koppel had honored the soldiers who had died in the Iraqi war. Ted had shown nearly 2,000 pictures of the military heroes and called them by name. The following day, members of Congress and from the White House administration had admonished Ted Koppel for showing the faces and naming the names. This infuriated Matt because he felt that those opposing Ted's action were ashamed of the sacrifices Matt's fellow soldiers had made...including himself. From that night on, Mike tried to keep Matt from watching the news on TV. Matt hadn't died in the war, but he might as well be dead, according to him.
"Mike, cut the sound down on the TV until the weather comes on," John said.
Mike picked up the remote and muted the sound. "What is it, John?"
"I was wondering if you paid close attention to the way Matt looked at dinner?"
"You mean with his new clothes and the way he was groomed? Of course I did. I just didn't want to make a big commotion over it and embarrass him."
"Did you know he helped Hank cook supper?"
"You're kidding?"
"No, Hank told Bob and me all about it while we were doing the dishes."
"If I had known, I'd've bragged on the dinner more. Did Hank tell what Matt did to help?"
"Hold onto your seat, Mike, because you won't believe this...but Hank said that Matt peeled all the potatoes and cut up all the vegetables by himself."
"Are you serious? How in hell did he peel potatoes?"
"Hank showed us how Matt held the potatoes with his bad arm and whipped around the potatoes with a peeler-knife."
"Good God! Hank seems to be working miracles on Matt," John said. "It's almost like Matt's found a new purpose or a reason to be alive again."
"That's what Bob and I thought...but Matt may be headed toward a bigger disappointment than the ones he already endured."
"I know what you're gonna say, John, I saw it with my own eyes when Hank's phone rang. Hank has become Matt's hero or someone to look up to."
"Mike, I saw it in Matt's face," Art chimed in. "What I saw was more than just 'hero' worship. Don't get angry with me, but, well, I know Matt isn't gay, or maybe he is, but that was a look of a spurned lover on Matt's face when the phone rang."
"Do you think Matt's got some kind of gay crush on Hank?" Mike asked.
"That's the only explanation I can come up with!" Art replied.
"Mike, Bob and I feel the same way."
"Do you think Hank is aware of it?"
"I'm afraid so, Mike," Bob said.
"Jesus! Do you guys think it's wise that I leave Hank with Matt alone every day?"
"I hope you won't get sore, Mike," John said, "but Bob and I talked with Hank about it and I think Hank's got the situation under control."
"So neither of you believe this 'crush' will lead to a sexual situation that Matt'll have to cope with?"
"I don't think Hank will venture into any sexual activity with Matt if that's what concerns you," John replied. "However, in my way of thinking, if Matt makes a play for Hank and Hank turns Matt down, who knows what that might lead to. I mean, Matt's depressed enough already and one more letdown could just push Matt off the edge."
"Do either of you think Hank's gay?" Mike asked.
"I don't know. I'll leave that up to you to find out. I mean, if Hank IS gay, he's probably keeping that secret from his dad and he might be afraid you'd tell his dad while you're talking with him over the phone. Then we'd have TWO depressed kids to contend with."
"I'd never say anything to Martin if Hank WERE gay. I have a pretty good idea what Martin's reaction would be and he'd make Hank's live more miserable than he has already."
"Well, just so long as you're aware of a potential crisis..."
"I'll watch Matt more carefully and I think I SHOULD have a talk with Hank to reassure him that I would never reveal any secrets to Martin."
"That would help Hank, I'm sure, Mike," John added.
"Hey! Here comes the weather report, Mike, turn the sound back up!" Art said.
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All was quiet at Mike's place until nearly 2:00AM when everyone was awakened by a bloodcurdling cry coming from Matt's room. By now, everyone in the house was used to Matt's nightmares except Hank who jumped up instantly and ran to see about Matt. Mike had also gotten up to check on his nephew. He and Hank stood one on either side of Matt's bed, trying to awaken Matt and calm him down. Matt's screaming subsided when he opened his eyes. He looked at his good hand to see that Hank was holding it. Mike was still whimpering slightly as his breathing returned to a normal pace.
"Are you all right now, son?" Mike asked.
"Yeah," Matt replied, still panting a bit. "I...I'm sorry, Uncle Mike."
"It's OK, Matt. You're safe. I'm here with you and so is Hank. You just had another bad dream, but that's all that it was. Just a dream."
"Yeah, I know it, Uncle Mike, but my dreams seem too real."
Hank looked at Mike and said, "Mike, why don't you go back to bed. I'll stay with Matt until he falls back asleep. You have a hard day's work ahead of you."
"Matt, is it all right if I leave Hank with you and go back to bed?"
"Sure, Uncle Mike. I'm sorry I keep doing this to you."
"Your doctors said you might be experiencing these same bad dreams for many months to come. Believe me, your cries don't bother me as long as they're just dreams and you're not in actual pain."
"I don't have any real pain, Uncle Mike...no more than usual. Please do as Hank suggested and go back to bed."
Mike turned to leave and said, "Hank, if you need me, don't hesitate to wake me."
"I won't, Mike. Matt will be all right with me."
"Thanks, Hank, and good night, Matt. I hope you have pleasant dreams for the rest of the night."
"So do I, Uncle Mike."
Mike left, went back to his bedroom and fell back to sleep almost instantly.
"Can I get you anything, Matt? Some water? Some juice? Do you need one of your pills?"
"Hank, look on the table there beside the bed. That tall medicine bottle with the funny-shaped pink pills? Get me one, please, and a glass of water."
Hank got the pill and the water and stood by Matt's bed while Matt swallowed his medicine.
"You want me to sit by your bed for a while until you go back to sleep?"
"Yes, but what I'd like most is for you to turn out that light and lie down beside me. It'll be dark so you won't feel awkward having to look at me."
"GOD! How I wish you'd stop making those remarks. I lay beside you all last night when we watched the movie. I saw you all day today and tonight at the dinner table. I KNOW how you look, Matt. There's no reason to hide from me!"
"Still, I could fall asleep a lot quicker if the lights were out."
"Oh. OK."
Hank turned off the wall light switch and came back to Matt's bed and lay on his back next to Matt, who was facing the wall, looking away from Hank.
"Thanks, Hank."
"Don't mention it. Hey, I forgot to tell you how nice you looked all dressed up and groomed at dinner. I think you surprised everyone."
"There's not much I can do to improve my appearance, Hank, but I just sorta wanted to look as nice as I could for you."
"Grooming is a big part of self-pride. It was a good idea for you to dress and spruce up to make yourself feel better."
"Hank?"
"Yes?"
"Would it...would it upset you if I asked you to lie next to me and put your arm around my waist?"
"No, it wouldn't upset me, but after you told me the way you feel about me, I don't know if it's a good idea. I mean, I don't want you to get your hopes up for something that's not going to happen between us."
"Then don't do it. I'm sorry I asked."
"Now you're putting a guilt trip on me."
"Don't feel guilty. I should never have asked..."
"Oh, hell, why not...but just don't let it give you any ideas. OK?"
Hank turned over to press the front of his body next to Matt's back and Hank placed his arm over Matt's waist in a spooning position.
"There! Are you happy now?" Hank asked.
"Very much so...but..."
"But what?"
"I won't tell you how it really makes me feel."
"That's probably a good idea."
The two lay quietly for a few minutes until Hank became somewhat disturbed when Matt scooted his buttocks firmly against Hank's pelvic region. Hank moved back so that they were no longer touching and Matt pushed back further to let his buttocks meet Hank again.
"Hey, watch that! What are you doing?" Hank asked.
"Sorry, I guess I was just taking advantage of a daring situation."
"Matt, if you're trying to see if I have an erection, the answer's 'no'."
"I didn't expect to be able to excite you. I just wanted to know how it would feel if we were in some kind of relationship."
"You said you wouldn't try anything sexual. Do you remember?"
"Well, there was no harm done in trying."
"No harm for me, but what are you doing to yourself emotionally, Matt?"
"You really want to know?"
"I asked, didn't I?"
"I...I'm...my cock is hard as a rock."
"I thought that's what would happen. That's why I didn't want to hold you. You're sexually aroused and now you'll have more difficulty falling back to sleep."
"I know."
"So why don't I get up and give you a few moments of privacy while you jerk off and then I'll come back and lie with you again until you fall asleep."
"It's dark, Hank. You can't see me and I'm not embarrassed to jerk off with you beside me."
"What about me? What if I'm the one who's too embarrassed to stay here while you get off?"
"Why should it bother you? You're gay. I'm sure you've been in bed with lots of guys when they jerked off. I'll bet you've even jerked THEM off."
"Maybe so, but none of them ever expressed openly that they had a crush on me. I'd just be adding more frustration to your crush."
"No, you wouldn't. PLEASE stay with me while I do it, Hank! PLEASE!"
"OH, ALL RIGHT! But I'm gonna turn my back toward you. I don't want to assist you in any way. I might even close my eyes and put my fingers in my ears and hum to myself so that I won't be aware of what you're doing!"
"Does masturbating myself disgust you that much?"
"No, but it does put me in an awkward situation. I know you've got to relieve yourself. I just don't want you to feel that I'm a part of it in any way. Remember, Matt, I told you I have a lover and I WON'T be unfaithful to Lance whatsoever."
"You HAD to say his name, didn't you?"
"What?"
"You HAD to mention Lance's name to destroy my mood!"
"How could mentioning Lance spoil your mood?"
"As soon as you said his name out loud, I...I lost my hard on."
"Good God, Matt! Are you THAT jealous of Lance? You don't even know him! You've never seen him or even a picture of him!"
"It's what Lance represents that makes me jealous."
"Matt, you know there can never be anything more between us than just mere friendship, don't you? Lance and I are in love and we're going to be together for always, starting in September."
"That's nearly three months away and HE won't be seeing you every day like I will."
"That's not true. Lance is coming to Philemon next weekend to see me and we're gonna spend the night together at some motel."
"OH?"
"I've tried to make you understand without hurting you. Hell, Matt, we've only known each other for two or three days. We're friends...YOU AND I...FRIENDS and that's all. Lance and I are lovers."
"I guess this evening was for nothing..."
"What do you mean?"
"Fuck! I didn't have a nightmare OR a bad dream. I faked crying out because I knew you'd come running into my room to help me."
"YOU FAKED YOUR SCREAMS AND WOKE UP EVERYONE IN THE HOUSE?"
"I thought you'd come in and I'd ask you to lie down with me, which you did, and then..."
"HOLY SHIT!"
"I'm sorry, Hank, REALLY!"
"Let me ask you something. Before I got here, Art, Bob, and John all said that you cried out every night or MOST nights, at least. WERE YOU FAKING THAT, TOO?"
"Sometimes, but not always. Before you got here, sometimes, Bob or John would lie down beside me to comfort me."
"Did you jerk off in front of them, too?"
"Sometimes..."
"Good GOD, MATT! You're gonna cry 'wolf' once too often. Do you know what I mean?"
"Yes."
"Tell me this! Did Bob or John jerk you off?"
"A few times."
"JESUS CHRIST!" Hank said, jumping off the bed to stand up.
"Where are you going?"
"Back to MY room and if you cry out again, I'll let your Uncle Mike attend to you! Dear GOD! Don't tell me that Mike holds you too!"
"No, Mike has no idea that I have gay fantasies. He's not aware of my having gay feelings at all."
"Well, all I can say, Matt, is...'nice try, but it didn't work!'. I'm on to you now!"
Hank stormed out of Matt's room and went back to his own bed. Matt began to cry, quietly, and cried until he fell asleep at dawn.
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(To be continued in chapter seven of "The Passion of Matthew".)