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CHAPTER FOUR
The "fictional" book that Ali had written about me was finished. I had been ignoring the copy of Pure Romantic Love in his study for a while now. I was adamant that I did not want to read it, though I thought of it constantly. Then one Saturday morning when the apartment was clean, I had no homework to do, and Ali was sleeping in after working, my curiosity got the better of me.
Let's see what Savion Vale has to say about me. "I'm making you melt... Ali laughed softly...Little by little, Kip's...he gasped once again...squeezed tight...accepted without resisting...and Kip...Ali...Ali took his pants...all you've got..."
None of this happened! He's not getting away with this! Slamming his door open, I shouted, "Wake the hell up! How could you write this? When did I say, 'No... Oh... I'm going to melt,' or, 'Ali, I want you mess me up with all you've got.' When did I say that? Hey, are you getting this? You..."
Pure wickedness rolled off of him as he turned over to look at me. I gave a nervous giggle. "Just joking." Crap. I forgot he's in the worst of moods when he wakes up. I tried to back track. Turning to leave I apologized, "Pardon me for interrupting your sleep."
But it was too late. I had woke the sleeping dragon. Dragging me back in the room by the back of my sweater, he tossed me on the bed. "I'm sorry! I'm sorry!"
He held both of my hands over my head in his one large hand. "Why do you dislike being written about so much?"
"What are you, a moron? Of course I don't like it! Not only did you put me in there without my permission, but you have me say weird things." Starting to push up my sweater, he cut me off. "Hey, where do you think you're touching?" My nipples, he was grazing my nipples. "Quit it!" I was striving to stay mad here.
The doorbell began ringing incessantly. "You hear that? Somebody's here."
"Ignore it."
"B-but..." He brought his mouth closer to mine.
"Good morning! It's Mira!" A red head was standing in the bedroom door. "Alistor, I assume your manuscript is done?"
I was mortified! Someone had seen us like this. Ali was practically naked and on top of me. Oh my god, this was horrible!
Ali looked annoyed at being interrupted.
He screamed at her until she went back downstairs. He made her wait until he had showered and dressed in navy blue slacks and waistcoat, a light blue shirt and a gold tie. He also made me stay and talk to him while he got ready.
"Here's a little something for you guys, Kip." She brought a bakery box with a handle to me in the kitchen when we finally went down. "The Bear Puffs that everyone's been talking about lately."
"Wow! Thank you so much!" Mira was pretty great, if not a bit too intrusive. But that was usually when Ali was past deadline, so, often. When Ali had first mentioned Mira, he had said that she was his assistant, so I had been surprised to find out that she was actually his editor. She did do everything for him, though. She could've been his assistant, or his agent. He tended to call her for everything and she eventually gave up trying to tell him that it wasn't her job. "The donuts you brought the other day were really tasty, too."
"Really? I'm so glad."
Grumbling from the sofa, Ali asked, "I told you I was still in the middle of my work. Why in the world would you come by?"
"If you don't like it, why don't you write in a manner that doesn't require supervision?" Mira wasn't the least bit scared of Ali. "I don't mind, though, because I'm finally getting to meet Kip. We've talked on the phone so much, it doesn't feel like were meeting for the first time."
"Why would you be talking to Kip on the phone?" A cigarette hung from his fingers.
"You know why. It's because a certain someone regularly misses his deadline by a wide margin, and on top of that, pretends not to be home." He grunted and needlessly straightened the manuscript he was reading from.
She's way more beautiful than I'd imagined. I guess she might be a bit older than Ali? The fact that she can talk to him like that is really, kind of impressive. As far as I know, he doesn't act relaxed around very many people. It's sort of unexpected.
Wait...Our first time meeting and she saw me upstairs in bed with Ali?! What should I do?
"Kip. The water...it's boiling." He had come into the kitchen because I had completely spaced out on the kettle. It was whistling for attention.
"Oh...oh!" I rushed to the stove. Putting the tea in the pot, I looked over at the clock. "Crap!" Calling to them in the living room, I told them, "The tea's ready, you do the rest. I'm going to be late for school." I was putting on my shoes in the entryway when he came over. "Okay, I'm going now." His hand was in his pocket and I couldn't read the expression on his face.
"See you later." He placed a hand on my head like he always did.
I brushed it away. "I'm going." I bolted out the door.
It's weird. I've been weird lately. All he had to do is touch me and my heart started pounding. It's because the other day, Ali and I... ended up having sex.
No! That's not what it was! It was totally out of my control! That's seriously not what it was! Absolutely not!
I was in deep denial.
At lunch, I told Riley about Mira. "A female editor?"
"Yes." I was shoveling ramen because I didn't get a chance to have any breakfast.
"What, she drops by frequently?"
I swallowed. "Probably. I'll find out that she came by after the fact, and she'll have picked up manuscripts or dropped off some kind of gift."
Riley looked surprised. "What do you mean? She comes into the house on her own?"
"Apparently she has a key."
"Really? Is that normal?" I stopped stuffing my face. "Has he given keys to anyone else?"
"Beats me." What was Riley getting at?
"Oh, I see. It must mean that Ali is dating her."
That was utterly ludicrous. "What? No way."
"But if you think about it, isn't that the natural conclusion? There's no way he'd hand over a key to a woman who means nothing to him."
I didn't like what he was insinuating. I actually stood up out of my chair. "No, that really can't be true!"
"How do you know?"
"Well, because..." How did I answer that question without giving myself away?
"Because?" I couldn't come up with one thing to say. Eventually he mused, "Your ramen's going to get soft." He pointed at my lunch.
"Oh." I sat down, I could feel my forehead furrowed. I mean, there's seriously no way! I automatically slurped up ramen without tasting it. Sure, Ali's well-educated, earns a lot of money, lives in a spacious apartment, and isn't bad to look at, okay, gorgeous, which means he's probably popular with women. But he said something about me being the one. To make such a simple assumption, just because he's given her a key... I drank the dregs of my bowl. What am I getting so worked up about?
"Okay, lunch time is over." Riley picked up his tray and started to take it to the cleaning station.
"Riley wait up!"
I stood and he was right next to me. "Still, you guys may be living together, but I'm sure he's got his own private life." He put an arm around my shoulders. "If you ever think you might be a third wheel, feel free to come over to my place." Then he leaned in real close. "I only have one bed, though, so we'll have to sleep together." He left with his tray.
"Riley!" I knew he was kidding. But he had a few good points. Something's definitely weird.
I don't feel anything when Riley touches me. So why...is it just with Ali?
Mira was coming off the elevator when I got back from the gym after school. "Oh, welcome back Kip."
"Have you been in a meeting with him this whole time?" That was a long time.
"Yep, because we were talking about his next project, too."
Of course, work. "That sounds like a lot of work."
She reached up and rubbed her neck as though it was sore. "I had to go to a lot of trouble to make him accept this new project."
"What?" I didn't like the sound of that.
"You know, because he doesn't choose his projects based on money or fame, but rather he judges them on how interesting he thinks it'll be, right?"
"Uh, yeah."
"At least once he okays a project, I don't have to worry about anything except missed deadlines."
"But is seems like you're having fun." I was fishing, I knew I was fishing.
"I guess. I'd do anything if it would help him produce good work." That got my attention. "Besides, I may be his manager, but I'm first and foremost an Alistor Smoak fan." She smiled.
"I'm back." I came into the apartment to a mess. There were stacks of books all over the living room. "What is this? What's going on?"
"Welcome home." Ali held an open book. "I was getting research material together for my next project, and it ended up like this."
"I see." I looked at a book on top of a nearby stack. "What Comes After Closing Up the Donut Hole". What kind of project was this?
"Kip." He patted the sofa right next to him.
I shoved a very large accent pillow between up before I sat down. He looked over at me, but didn't say anything. I picked up the donut book, pretending I was skimming. "I just saw Mira downstairs."
"Oh, really."
"Mira sure is beautiful, huh?"
"You think so?"
"H-have you known her a long time? You seem to get along really well."
"Not especially." He was giving me nothing. I covered my face with the book to hide my aggravation.
"Uh, so like, is it normal to give out your house key?" I peeked my eyes out to gage his reaction.
"You've got to be kidding. Mira's the only one."
My hands started to shake. "Why only Mira?" He shut his book and stared at me intently. After several seconds, I questioned, "What?"
"No," he stated firmly.
I had no idea what his meaning was. "No, what?"
He shook a finger at me. "Forget about that woman! She's a demon wearing human skin! If you get close to her, she'll just gobble you up and toss you aside."
"Wh-what's that mean?" I stared hard at my book confused. "Mira's a nice person. She's beautiful, and she's always bringing by tasty gifts."
"Just forget about Mira." He scratched his head in frustration. "Nothing good will come of it."
What's that supposed to mean? What's he so worked up about? I was confounded...did he want to make certain he had Mira all to himself because he...
Unable to complete my thought, Ali moved the pillow and came closer to me. "Kip." He placed a cool hand on my chin and turned my face towards his. Immediately my heart started pounding. Leaning in to kiss me, I almost let him, but I was too perplexed by what it meant, so I got up and started to go up to my room. He followed me, grabbing my arm. Fast as lightening, he had both of my wrists pinned against the wall over my head in one hand. I was facing the wall, so I couldn't see his face.
"L-let go, Ali! That hurts."
He didn't let go. And his voice sounded sad when he accused, "You've been avoiding me lately, haven't you?"
"N-not really. You're imagining things," I lied. Placing a hand on my stomach, he trailed down to touch my bulge outside of my pants. "Please! Seriously, quit touching me! I'm begging you!"
"How do you really feel about me?"
"What? Why are you asking all of a sudden?" I couldn't answer that question! I didn't know. Or more accurately, I didn't want to know. I wasn't ready to face what it meant that he sent my heart pounding, that he made me wonder what being his one and only would be like. That I loved having sex with him.
"The other day...I never did get to ask you how you felt. I want to hear your answer sometime soon."
"There's nothing really... That's not... I-I don't know," I answered truthfully.
He finally released me. "Sorry." He patted the top of my head. "I got too impatient."
I heard his footsteps walking away, and then the front door closing. I fell to my knees. I seriously thought my heart was going to burst. I searched my hands for a visible imprint of his touch that I could still feel on them. This is no joke. It's getting bad.
The next day I came home from school, "I'm back," stunned to find Ali dressed in an immaculate black suit. Dressed to the nines, as it were.
"Welcome home." He looked up from fixing his pocket square.
I could feel my mouth hanging open, but I couldn't shut it. I didn't know what I was stunned by more, his being dressed that way, or how good he looked dressed that way.
"Welcome home, Kip." It was Mira, holding a tray of used mugs as though she had been there for a while. "Pardon the intrusion."
"Oh, not at all. Welcome." I somehow pulled myself out of my stupor. "Are you going somewhere, Ali?"
"Work." He yanked on the knot of his tie as though it were bothering him. "I have a meeting with a certain luminary. It's at The Fairmont."
"Where's that?"
Mira giggled. "We'll go together sometime. Oh, that's right! I brought you something!" She produced a navy rectangle box with a lilac bow. "Today it's Belgian chocolates. I hope you enjoy them."
"Oh, thank you so much." Why did my voice sound depressed?
"Kip, I think I'll probably be eating out tonight, so would you mind eating dinner alone?" The doorbell chimed and Mira ran to answer it.
"Oh, okay." I just stood there, staring up into Ali's lavender-gray eyes, trying to figure out why I felt so terrible...and lonely.
"Alistor, the car is here!" Mira called from the entryway.
"Right. I'll be going then." He was acting so stilted and formal. Worst of all, he walked past me to leave, saying nothing else.
"See you later." I watched him go.
"Oh, Alistor, your tie is crooked." Why did it physically hurt to watch Mira straightened his burgundy silk tie. It was so intimate. I wish it were me.
Quit it. No. "There you go handsome." She patted his shoulder. Don't touch him. Don't let her touch you. The only person allowed to touch you is...
Ali noticed me watching them. "Kip, what's wrong?"
"Nothing," I somehow managed to say. He must've saw something in my face, because he came back over to me. He reached his hand out.
Touch me. Like you always do. Hurry. I closed my eyes and bent my head waiting.
But the touch never came. "Alistor, let's get going. The person we're meeting with is a stickler for punctuality." He dropped his hand and turned away.
"I'm going." And then he left.
"See you later," I said to the closed door.
I felt annoyed, pissed, and my heart was racing. Because in that moment I found myself thinking how much they suited each other.
Attacking the dishes like they had the bubonic plague on them, I notice one of Ali's shirts slung over the back of the couch. Going over I picked it up. When all was said and done, do I seriously...have feelings for Ali?
Whoa! Talk about cheesy! I was totally in full-on girly mode just now! Damn it! Why do I have to get mushy over every little thing?! I threw his shirt back on the sofa.
Time for binge eating! I opened the box of chocolates and ate my feelings. Crap! I'd eaten half the box before I realized, they had alcohol them!
His shirt was next to me on the sofa. I picked it up and put it to my face. That clean, lemony scent that was Ali enveloped me. "Ali's smell." Laying down on the sofa, I put his shirt over my face and fell asleep.
"Kip." Ali was shaking me awake. "Kip, you're going to catch a cold sleeping out here."
It took me a moment to understand what was happening. I must've fallen asleep on the couch. Groggily sitting up, I murmured, "Welcome home." I rubbed the sleep out of my eyes. "Oh shit. I have homework." Ali stood there glaring down at me with his arms crossed. "What's the matter?" He didn't answer, but then I realized what it was he was looking at. His shirt was laying in my lap and I was clutching it like a child with a blanket. I could feel my face turning pink. "No! Wrong! There's no deep meaning to this! Th-this was because I just got a little chilly. Uh, I got drunk off the chocolate truffles...and got sleepy and I thought I might freeze to death without it, so..." I tried my best to deny it. It probably didn't help my case that I was still holding the shirt.
Ali wasn't listening, though. Taking the few steps towards me, he picked me up off the sofa and tossed me over his shoulder like a sack of potatoes. "H-hold on! Let go! I said let go!" It was difficult the struggle in this position. And I was still clutching that damn shirt! "Ali!"
Carrying me upstairs, he took me to his room and threw me on the bed none too gently. Taking off his tie, he informed me, "Times up."
I stared blankly up at him, petrified at what he meant.
"I thought I'd wait for you, but I've reached my limit." He dropped the tie on the bed. "Sleeping with my damn shirt hugged to your chest" Coming forward, he put a knee on the bed. "I can only think that it's an invitation."
"Like I said, this is..." I held up the shirt I was still gripping. He was having none of it. Pushing me down on the bed, he kneeled over me. He was always man-handling me, it wasn't fair. I started struggling against him fruitlessly. "Stop it! Don't touch me!" And then everything I had been upset about that night when he left me alone came out. "What's with you?! You've got Mira! Go harass her!" I threw a pillow at his head, which he easily (and annoyingly) deflected.
"What are you talking about?"
"You've got to be kidding! Stop messing with me! I don't know what's what anymore! There's something wrong with me. I get all weird when you touch me." I was practically shouting at him. "Mira's a nice person, but when she's with you, it pisses me off! She has key to the apartment, you're with her all day, and you let her talk to you any way she wants!" I covered my face with the shirt, too humiliated for him to look at me. "I've turned into this crazy, nasty person. You jerk!"
Sitting down on the edge of the bed, he explained calmly, "That's because you're in love with me."
"Pardon?" My voice was just above a whisper.
He sighed deeply. "I leave you alone, and your mind runs off in a worthless direction. What in the world made you think that there's something between Mira and me? Well?"
"Uh, because..." Feeling stupid, I couldn't finish.
Laying his hand on my chest, he fussed, "I swear, being with you is so frustrating. I lose my cool. Before I know it, I've spent the whole day thinking about you, and it pisses me off." The same as me. "I love you."
My mouth went dry, and my heart flipped over. He tried to move the shirt off my face, but I clung to it, not knowing what to do. "Give in. I told you, didn't I?" I let it go and he tossed it to the floor. "Time's up."
How many times does this man plan to destroy my heart? He kissed me in only the way that Ali did, with sweetness and tenderness, and now what I knew to be love. He removed my clothes, and I let him. I helped him with his. I wanted to touch him, but I was too shy. So, I dug my fingers into the sheets as I got on my knees. I wanted him to take control as he got behind me.
The pain and the pleasure of him surging inside of me made me self-conscious and messed me up. And what was so frustrating, was that he says he loses his cool, but he swallows up everything I've got without breaking a sweat. It's infuriating.
His length was slick with passion, and as he thrust I began to shiver. "What's wrong?" He was attuned to my every movement. Leaning forward he wrapped an arm around me, holding me to his chest.
"Your hands are cold."
"Then melt them with your heart." He kissed my ear. "Here, give me your hand." He moved it underneath me and wrapped it around my shaft. Pumping my hand up and down with his own, he began bucking behind me once more. Soon his hand left mine and he gripped my hips tightly as he began to lose restraint. His powerful thrumming caused me to whimper, not being able to hold it inside. The tantalizing frisson made me melt and tremulous all at once.
"Keeping touching yourself," he commanded when he saw my hand moving away, but I already had my release and was hanging on for dear life as he strained, pounding into me. He made a carnal sound that I was surprised issued from him, but also pleased that I had something to do with it.
Turning me over on my back, he told me, "I want to look at you." Wrapping my legs around his waist, he pressed into me again. Pulling my hands over my head, he threaded his fingers through mine. With feather kisses on my lips, my face, my neck, he showed me how he felt.
"Ali?"
"What is it?" He didn't stop stroking.
With my eyes closed, I confessed, "I think I might love you."
I opened them and looked up at him. He was gazing down on me with knowing eyes. "Of course you do," he said.
In the morning, I was in the kitchen starting the coffee and smoking a cigarette when Kip came downstairs. I could see from here that he had done a poor job of drying his hair. It was like he was trying to catch a cold. "Come here," I demanded roughly. I took too much pleasure in his scared expression as a grabbed a towel from the laundry. Pulling out a chair from the kitchen table, I sat down and pointed to the floor in front of me. "Sit."
He did so meekly and was still as I towel dried his hair. I expected him to be awkward today. That was his inexperience and his continuing to grapple with his own feelings over me and his sexuality. I wanted to make him feel better, more confident in what we had. His wild imagination was always running away with him, so I wanted to clear up something that he said last night. "So, the reason she has a key is because I debuted through Penguin Books. Mira was my first handler."
Kip gave a small, "Okay."
"One time, I did a project for a literary magazine, but I missed the deadline by a wide margin." He looked up at me with wide jade eyes, realizing that what I was saying was important. "On top of which, my unwholesome lifestyle had caught up with me, and I became unresponsive in the middle of my writing. In a panic, Mira and the chief editor worried that I was not answering my phone. They asked the building manager to unlock my door, and came barging in to find me pasted out next to my computer. That kind of thing happened about ten times, and I figured she'd kill me for real at that rate. So, in fear for my life, I decided to give her a key."
Kip's reaction to this was to yell in my face, "Meet your deadlines!"
I held up a finger. "If I might make an additional point, the numerous things that Ali does to Kip in those books, were all requested by Mira."
"For real?"
"That's why I told you to forget about her. So...shall we have her return the key?"
Resigned, he sighed, "It's fine. I don't want to do anything that might be bad for your work.
I put a hand on his damp hair and playfully rubbed. I could tell he was embarrassed and pleased. It would take a while for him to get comfortable with the physical things, until then I would keep on showing him how it was done. "Say it for me."
"Say what?"
"The last thing you said yesterday."
He got up and started to walk into the kitchen, rubbing the back of his neck. "Uh, what was that again?" I grabbed him, pulling his body against mine. Tipping his face to mine, I brought my lips close this his. He was looking up at me expectantly, and when I didn't close the space between us, he asked, "What is it?"
"Say it and I'll keep going," I teased. His cheeks bloomed pink and he half-heartedly pounded fists against my chest.
"Get real! Don't let it go to your head, you idiot!" He strived to loosen my grip, but I wouldn't budge. He continued to protest. "Hey! Let go you bastard!" So, I carried him to my room.
There's no way that I could say I love you so simply. Because I realized that with those three little words, my feelings for Ali came very close to overflowing.
That afternoon Mira dropped by to make sure that Ali was working. I made us some tea and we sat in the living room talking. Even though she didn't know about it, I felt guilty for thinking she and Ali were together. "You were originally an editor and manager for normal novels, right?"
"That's right."
"So, why..."
"The boys love? That's because I love it! It's business and pleasure all in one."
"Pleasure?" I felt uncomfortable. I downed another bear puff.