This is a work of fiction. Any similarity to reality is purely coincidental. It will eventually contain sexual acts between men, however it focuses more on the story of two consenting men. If gay sex is illegal in your area, or you are a minor, or you just don't like queer sex (what are you doing in this site to begin with?) then read no more. Comments, questions, and ideas are more than welcome and would be truly appreciated. They will also be responded to. Kindly send it to nifty_pad@yahoo.com. Thanks to everybody who has emailed me and urged me to go on. I really, really appreciate it.
Chapter IV
Luke and I saw a lot of one another after that chocolate night, and he slept over some more, his parents never questioning the sudden rush of group projects that he had to accomplish. In less than two weeks, we had finished the three bottles of chocolate and our sex lives were simply wonderful, thank you very much. There weren't any complaints from him save for the occasional moans and grunts that typically associated our loud nights together.
In the first weeks of our relationship, it seemed that our thirst for one another was never going to be quenched. We simply couldn't take our hands of each other. Even with Alex around the room, we would cuddle in front of him, to say the least. He would just smirk at us and tell us to 'get a room'.
The more I saw of Luke, the more I felt myself opening up to him. I had told him things about me that only Alex knew about.... things that were pretty damn personal. And the surprising thing is that I have only known him in less than half of the time I have known Alex, yet, I feel that I could trust him as much. I once told Alex when he asked me how our relationship was going, that it scares me just thinking how much I'm investing on it, on him, on us. I told him that although I know that things will turn out for the best, as I always believe in general, I'm still scared that life may not be as golden later on as it was now...
As for Alex, he got along with Luke pretty well. Initially, I thought that although he claimed to be comfortable with my sexuality, I would never be able to bring him to fully accept it, or that we would never talk about it like I do with my friends. But much to my surprise, he was very relaxed and open about it.
Luke was already becoming a constant fixture in the pad. If he can't stay the night, he'd stay 'til dinner, at least as often as he can... Either Alex or I would cook dinner and Luke would do the dishes. This has been our routine for several months now and things can't get any better for me. I have two great men with absolutely stunning bodies in my pad who both love me.
Luke, on the other hand, still had reservations for Alex. When I asked him what really brought it on, he just said that it was his "immaturity getting the best of him, that he was simply jealous of Alex being with me all the time." On the surface though, this "jealousy", as he put it, was not obvious. It was just the little things that made me realize it. For instance, he would subtly change the topic whenever I'd talk about Alex.... he would give a certain look at Alex whenever he thinks no one can see... But these little things didn't affect what the three of us have with one another. I'm sure that Alex and Luke, given a different set-up would not have become friends, but with me as the common denominator, they got pretty well along.
~~*~~
Our final examinations were fast approaching, and in as much as Luke and I wanted to be around one another all the time, it was just difficult. Review sessions made it impossible for us to see each other even at night, so aside from the usual make out sessions that we have in between our breaks at school, we haven't seen much of one another. One time though, since we had a longer break than usual, he dragged me into his heavily tinted car and we had an energy sapping quickie. Other than that, we have become more or less a celibate couple.
Despite our temporary hiatus in the sexual department though, we had become closer and closer to one another. It's different when your relationship is based on things other than sex. With the exception of my heterosexual relationships, which I must say don't really count as much, all of my relationships were simply based on physical attraction. Those that did last longer than 6 months -- like Luke! 6 months, 3 weeks and still counting... -- had something much more than sex. Mostly it was based on some form of friendship, a friendship and mutual respect that was developed either before or during the romantic relationship itself.
With Luke, whenever we do meet, we instantly pick up from where we left off. It's as if no time has passed and the only thing that mattered is that we have each other again no matter how brief the moment may be.
What I do love about Luke is his no-holds-barred attitude. As he said, "If it's shit, then it's shit. Why bother covering it with chocolate?" He would tell the person, without skipping a breath, the truth, no matter how painful, no matter how bad it may be. Sometimes, though, I admit, it stinks like hell especially when I ask him something simply to fish for compliments, 'cause he will tell you the truth and the whole truth. But I guess, this is what our relationship is really based on -- honesty.
One of the effects of our hell week in school was that Alex was spending more and more time at Will's. It seems that Will was in fear of flunking one of his majors, so Alex, being the kind-hearted soul that he is, offered to help. He usually gets home at around 8 or 9 pm whenever he comes from Will's place. I have suggested to him several times that they use the pad instead, so that Will's roommate could study on his own as well, but it seems that my suggestion has fallen on deaf ears. The real reason, obviously, was that I missed Alex a lot. His mere physical presence was something that comforted me and gave me a sense of security. How? I have no idea. All I know is that now that he isn't here, I feel a constant need to do something, to fill up the void of his presence.
Okay, I admit it. It's a little weird that I miss Alex more than I do with Luke. But hey, for one thing, I have known Alex longer and since the day that he walked into the door, we have become brothers of some sort. As for Luke, even though he has never set foot in this pad for almost three weeks already, we do see each other in school. And besides, absence makes the heart grown fonder, right?
On Alex's third night of helping out Will, I decided to surprise them with some of my own cooking. I called them up and asked if they already had dinner. Alex said that he had just called our Chinese restaurant and had some food delivered over. (By 'our', he meant our favorite Chinese restaurant.) I made up some excuse of wanting to order in some food myself, and I just wanted to know if I should get some for him as well.
Knowing that those two would just probably get some noodles, and no dessert, I took out my cookbook and made some French desserts. My maternal family has always been into food and cooking, so it was not a surprise when in high school, I took up culinary classes as well. After an hour, my Chocolate Soufflé and Pots de Crèma were already prepared.
I brought the desserts to Will's place and what I saw there made my already worried mind come tumbling down.
~~*~~
When I got home, Nicole was already at my door, waiting for me. I called her up from my mobile phone, the instant I left Will's place.
"What happened?" she asked. We sat at the dining table, as I drank the wine in one sweeping motion.
"I don't know... Maybe I'm just overreacting." I replied, my mind still unclear as to what to make out of tonight.
"Will you just stop with the melodrama and tell me why you dragged me away from my study group? I'll be the judge if you're overreacting." she snapped at me.
"Okay. You know that Alex has constantly been going to Will's place, right? Well, what he told me... what Alex told me was that Will's flunking this stupid course, so he's been going there for the past three nights and helping him out.
"Well, the thing is, I've really missed Alex. I mean, ever since god knows when, we haven't been the same. We still talk and all that but for some reason that I am not party to, he has been different. And I was hoping that I'd be spending more time with him especially now that Luke is busy with the finals..."
"How?" From the expression on my face, it was obvious that I didn't understand her question, so she clarified, "Different how?" O, that... My mind is tumbling right now, my emotions are jumbled, add to that the sudden effect of the alcohol...
"It's the little things. Before, when he gets home, he'd see what I was doing and if I needed anything... He'd talk to me for hours and hours... now, when he gets home, he just goes to his room, and he only goes out for dinner or when he really needs to..."
"Please tell me there's something more to it."
"I... I don't know! But there are a million things that don't just add up. I don't know what's up between him and Will.... When I went there tonight, they weren't there. Carl, Will's roommate told me that they went out for dinner... when Alex told me that they were ordering in. I mean, why would he lie? I asked Carl what course Will was having difficulties in, and he said that there wasn't any. He's even fucking running for honors! He said that it was Alex who had problems. He even saw Alex crying one time!"
My emotions were getting the better of me, I know. I was already panicking. I had no clue what was happening and I felt like a big joke. I can't even being to understand why Alex would lie to me. If he had a problem, didn't he know that he could turn to me?
"So you're mad because Alex lied to you and you're jealous that Will is his wall and not you." Nicole said in a placating tone.
"I am not jealous!" as I said this, I knew that this wasn't true. Yes, I am jealous at Will. I am frustrated that Alex doesn't me consider enough of a friend to tell me whatever is troubling him.
"Okay, maybe I am. But I am supposed to be the one he turns to damn it! Isn't that what best friends are for? He has known me longer than Will, for crying out loud."
"I just thought that our friendship was more than that... I thought we really had something, Nicole... What if the reason why he didn't tell me was because his problem is with me? Maybe it is about me? Maybe I did something that I wasn't even aware of.... I thought we had something, Nicole..." I said as tears began falling down my cheeks.
"You have something with Luke, Lawrence. Not with Alex. He may be confiding in Will but it doesn't mean that it's about you, or that he doesn't trust you.
"Lawrence, give Alex the benefit of the doubt. Maybe he's just waiting for the right time to tell you. Maybe, he cried about nothing at all and Carl, just misread it. There are a million possibilities to this, and unless you talk to Alex and ask him what's really going on, you can cry your heart out here and still get nowhere."
I knew that Nicole was right. I had to talk to Alex and get things cleared. If there's one thing I hate in life, it's being in limbo -- not knowing where you really are. I told Nicole this and she said that she understood. She gave me a tight hug as she went out and I apologized again for disrupting her night. She scowled at me and told me to stop jumping into conclusions and to take some nice hot bath.
Thanks to my hot bath and lavender oils, I felt a little better. I saw things from a different perspective. When I first stepped into the bath, my mind was running with endless possibilities as to why Alex would lie to me, and then I remembered what Nicole said. Maybe he isn't. Or maybe, he had a grave reason. Either way, I knew that until then, I had no right to judge him and to jump into conclusions. I felt foolish for disturbing Nicole, but without her, I know that I would have spent the entire night worrying or crying or drinking, or all three. As I waited for Alex, my mobile phone rang. It was Geoff.
"Lawrence, you better come over here quick." he said in an imperative tone. Geoff always talks in a sing-song tone, so it's very rare to see him restrained. When it does happen, you know that it's not over his misplaced car key.
"Where? What happened?" I asked, bells suddenly going off in my head.
"It's Luke. Something's happened. Just come over to John's place as soon as you can."
I ran to my car as I fast as I could, my mind all rattled up. Could something have happened to him? Was there an accident? Driving like a madman, I just kept on repeating the words: "Please, God, let him be okay. Let Luke be okay." I kept on calling Geoff back on his mobile but he wouldn't pick up. Panic was already an understatement. I nearly ran over the bystanders and bumped into three cars on the way, but I got there fifteen minutes later physically unscathed, mentally unbalanced.
Geoff was waiting for me in the parking lot. When I got there he ran up to me and told me how sorry he was, that he didn't want to be the one to tell me this. Fear has already taken possession of me. All I could mutter was: "Why didn't you bring him to the hospital?" Geoff didn't seem to understand this at first. It took him a minute or two just staring at my pale face in muted expression.
"O my god.... I'm so sorry." he finally said. "Luke's okay. There's nothing wrong with him... physically." He added the last word as an afterthought. I felt relieved to hear this, but my confusion only worsened. What the hell is happening?
"We better go up to Charlotte's." he said softly. Charlotte and John were roommates, and she's my classmate in most of my subjects. We sat beside one another during the first day and since then we have become quite a tag team in class. She introduced me to John, whom I liked as well and they are the first one's to whom I came out to. I told John earlier in the day and Charlotte in the afternoon. We later had dinner that day at their place and for the first time in my college life, I felt truly myself. The walls of pretension have been broken down by a simple sentence, a single truth. The bond that we first had grew stronger because of that, and I consider them to be one of my closest friends.
My mind remained blank on our ride in the elevator. I didn't know what these guys wanted to tell me and I didn't have the energy to ask Geoff any more. I just stared at the numbers changing, from one floor to the next, my head getting lighter and lighter. My stomach jumped up and down together with the even, rapid thumps of my heart. I held on to the walls, as if I'm about to pass out any moment.
When door opened, Geoff, asked me for my car keys. Without even thinking, I handed it to him. We pressed the buzzer and I held on tightly to the wall for support. It was opened by John, wearing nothing but a pink thong.
"Lottie, I told you --" he broke off when he saw me instead of Lottie. His jaw dropped and he just stared at me as if I were a ghost. He just stood by the door even when I walked in the house. I didn't know what was happening. I thought the gang would be here to tell me something... When I turned to ask John what was going on, I saw it. He was holding a bottle of body chocolate. Without thinking, my legs dragged me toward his room and when I pushed it open, I saw him.
Luke. He was naked, covered in chocolate. His grin changed into the look of shock and he tuned pale. Without saying anything, I went towards the door wherein I stopped briefly and looked at John in disgust.
"Lawrence --" was all he could say before I ran down the stairs, unaware of my surroundings, then suddenly, everything turned pitch black.
Chapter V
When I woke up, my head was throbbing painfully, the room spinning out of axis. I tried to sit up but a pair of hands pushed me back on the bed. It was Alex. Behind him was Geoff standing, looking at me with eyes that expressed more concern than I have ever seen.
"Please leave me alone." I muttered.
"Ence, you passed out. You were out cold when Geoff brought you back home. Just rest for a minute, ok?" Alex said carefully.
"Please. Leave. Me. Alone." I said with all the strength that I could muster.
"Uhm. Ok. Alex and I will fix you something to eat. Just come out whenever you're ready. Come on Alex." Geoff said, holding Alex on the shoulder when he remained seated on the bed. They went to the kitchen where I could hear them arguing. I slowly and with great effort, stood up, holding on to anything that I could. With sluggish steps, I reached the bathroom. I locked the door and opened my medicine cabinet wherein I took two aspirins. I could see that I had a small gash on my forehead. I tried to remember where I got it, and as hard as I forced my mind, I didn't have a clue.
I stayed in my bathtub for what seemed like ages. I could hear Alex and Geoff furiously knocking on the door, but I ignored them. It was only when Alex threatened to force open the door that I told them "I'd be out soon." But I just stayed there, crying myself into numbness. I remembered everything. The panic of thinking that Luke had an accident, the horror of the elevator ride, not knowing what was up there, and then the truth.
All of it. Charlotte's betrayal, John's deception, and Luke... Luke in his famous chocolate. I laughed at my naïveté, thinking that I was the only one he had tried the chocolates with... that I was the only one he had.
How could I have been so stupid?
Believing that our distance, that our sexual inactivity would only make us stronger, that it would strengthen our foundation. How could I have fallen for his promises? How could I have trusted him?
How could I have been so stupid?
When I have cried my last tear, when I have made my eyes ache, I went out of the tub and with a forced boldness, I went into the dining room. When Alex saw me, he stood up and told me that Geoff had already left, because of the curfew in his dorm, and that he was really sorry. I tried to keep a strong front. I faked a smile and tried to say that it was okay.... that everything was okay, but no words came out. I didn't want anyone to see how hurt I really was, but when Alex came up to me to hug me, I just broke down.
I clung to him as if I were going to fall if I let go. I started sobbing and the tears just started flowing, like a dam that suddenly broke. I couldn't hide it any more. Not from Alex. He just sat next to me, holding me close to him. He had his hand over my shoulder, and with the other, he clasped my hand. No words were needed.
~~*~~
I felt Luke licking my nipples. My chest was all covered with chocolate, and I kept on wiggling, feeling the sensation running through every inch my body. He reached down and grabbed my cock, deep-throating me. I heard myself moaning, calling out his name, feeling the passion in me building up.
He let go of my cock and kneeled on the bed, lifting my legs to his shoulders. I felt him push himself into me. At first slowly inserting himself in me. My moans became louder and louder as he got deeper. He picked up and his pace and kept on pushing himself in.... faster and faster. He bent down and kissed me, his tongue exploring my mouth, never missing his stride. He kept going faster and faster, our moans filling the room. I looked up at him, his mouth covered with chocolate, grinning at me. I felt myself coming close... I held him close, trying to pull him closer to my body. His moans grew louder... He pressed his lips to mine and we kissed passionately. We moaned together, our bodies hitting the right buttons, bringing us closer to the edge... I was getting closer... closer... I looked into his eyes, and I can see my own reflection in them... drowned by the mist of our passion, of his moans, of his thrusts...
"AHHHHH!!!!!!!!!" we both shouted.
Collapsing on top of me, we panted, running out of air. He braced himself with his hands and brought his lips to mine, giving me what energy was still left of him. Then I stared into his eyes, seeing the reflection... the mist was no longer there and for the first time, I recognized what I saw.
It was John.
~~*~~
I woke up trembling and panting... My entire body was shaking; for an instant, I forgot where I was. When things came back, I prayed that everything was just a bad dream. All of it. I wanted to just forget the pain and the misery. If I could just sleep for the entire day... for the entire week... for the rest of my life.
Just as I was feeling my lowest, Alex held me. I had totally forgotten that he was sleeping next to me. He has slept for the past three days beside me, comforting me whenever I needed it. I looked down at him and in his half-opened eyes, in his smile, I saw myself. I knew that I couldn't be the sad and depressed version of me for long. It had been three days since I saw Luke covered in chocolate and I have stayed the entire time in the pad, shutting out everyone and everything.
Alex told my professors that I had acquired some disease, I didn't bother finding out what it was. He had also asked his aunt, a doctor, for a certificate to prove this. I knew that that took a lot considering Alex had never asked his relatives for anything before. He had always tried to make it on his own and prove his worth.
He also told everybody who called and looked for me that I was ill-disposed at the moment, lying at a heart beat just to cover for my wallowing ass. Nicole, Geoff, Will came to see me several times already but Alex told them that I was staying for a couple of days at my parents' place. Even Charlotte, John and Luke came to see me. But Alex, knowing that I was not yet ready to face them, simply told them to go away. Charlotte was the most insistent of all. She insisted on seeing me, even asking for my parents' address, but Alex didn't budge an inch. The most amazing thing for me was that Alex was never rude to them. He maintained his ground and with all civility simply asked them to leave, with the exception of Luke.
He told him on the phone that if he ever saw him near me, he would break all of his bones before telling his parents about his sexuality. I laughed so hard when I walked in on this, knowing that what Luke feared the most was his parents ever finding out about him. He knew that they would not understand. There was no question that he would be thrown out.
Since Alex was majoring in journalism, he didn't have any tests during the actual finals week. All of his final papers have been submitted and done with a week ago. So he mostly stayed at home, with me. Okay, all the time. He never left the house. Thank God for our parents who provided weekly groceries and other items, we really didn't need to get out of the house.
Although I mostly stayed in bed, or in the living room, I was still the one who cooked the meals. It became my therapy. I cooked so much food that a lot was simply thrown into the garbage bins. I cooked Alex everything that I knew, even experimenting on some and coming up with our own dishes. We already had four sets of menus for the restaurant that I plan to establish after college.
It was while I was cooking that I realized that things will be okay. Alex came up from behind me and placed his hand on my shoulder. He then uttered the words that are forever entrenched into my memory.
"Lawrence, you still have me..."
Those simple words told me that what happened was not my fault. As egotistical as this may sound, it was Luke's loss, not mine. I deserved better. That's what Alex made me realize.
~~*~~
My friends dropped by to see how I was doing the day after I had the dream. I had a suspicion that Alex had told them that I was ready to see them. When Geoff got to the pad, I went up to him and hugged him. He got that as my way of saying thank you for he whispered "your welcome" into my ear, which got him all teary-eyed.
"Well, I'm just glad you have finally decided to come out of your tomb, Cleopatra." he announced loudly in his original sing-song voice. "If you stayed in here any longer, I would have hired whatever-you-call-those-machines-with-balls-at-the-end to break this door down." He added, his arms flailing in the air.
"Honey, we all know what kind of balls you hire." Nicole chipped.
"Hey. If you must know, I have never, ever in my entire fabulous life paid anyone for a little lovin'." replied Geoff.
"Well, it's good to have you back, man." said Will, squeezing my hand.
"I hope you are all hungry, 'coz there's enough food here to feed a battalion." said Alex, leading everyone to the dining room.
"O, don't worry Alex, Will here will leave no crumbs unturned." said Geoff, adding, "which is a great turn on by the way. You do know what they say... A man who knows his way in the kitchen is one who knows his way in bed. So what do you say you prove me right, hon?"
"I think I'll pass." responded Will.
"Well, if ever you change your mind honey, you know where to reach me, any day, any time. I'm all yours for the taking." teased Geoff.
"I'm really glad that you're back in the world of the living honey. You deserve better than that bastard." said Nicole, the first person to bring the topic up.
"Yeah, me too. I missed you guys. And I agree, I do deserve better." I said.
"You got it finally, huh? I was scared there for a minute, that I would have to knock your head off first..." said Alex, rubbing his hand on my hair.
"So what are your plans now that classes are over?" asked Will.
"Uhm, not for me. I still have to take the tests I skipped..." I replied.
"That's not entirely accurate." said Nicole, and I can see the four of them beaming.
"What are talking about?" I said, perplexed at what they were smiling about.
"Well, you see honey, we talked to all your professors and begged them, no actually, the right word would be forced them to forego your final examinations." chipped Geoff, hopping on the floor in glee.
"What do you mean forego my tests? I'm gonna get zeroes for them?!" I panicked.
"No, don't be silly. We told your professors that since you've been consistent with your grades all semester, all year even in some subjects, then they should just get your current standing and disregard the final exams.... Which -- means..."
"IT"S VACATION TIME!" they all exclaimed in unison. I couldn't help but smile broadly at this. I can't believe they did this.
"Did you have anything to do with this?" I asked Alex in a mock frustration.
"It was his idea. Hello? How could we have gotten your records, you self-pitying queen." retorted Nicole.
"Why didn't you tell me?" I asked Alex.
"Well, I figured that if you think you still have to take those exams, then you'll get off your huge ass earlier." he replied, slapping the sides of my butt.
"Hey! Well, I don't know what to say... thanks guys. And thanks Lex. It seems that I owe you more everyday... How will I ever repay you?" I asked him sincerely.
"Just stop moping around, and be the bitch that you really are." he replied.
"I am not a bitch!" I exclaimed, and everybody just laughed at me. I heard Geoff whisper to Nicole and Will, "He's back alright."
~~*~~
After everyone had left, Alex and I were cleaning up the place when ocean waves filled the pad. Alex opened the door as I stacked the dishes that he had to wash.
"Uhm, Lex, you have a visitor."
When I went to the living room to see who it was, my legs froze. It was Charlotte. Alex excused himself and went into the kitchen. Lottie and I just stood there looking at one another. She had a look of pain on her and I didn't know what to say or do. I wanted to hug her but I also knew that I couldn't forget everything that easily.
"Lawrence, I'm so sorry..."
"Lottie, I just have two questions." I said, finding the courage to finally speak up.
"Did you know?" I asked her, hoping that the answer would be no.
"Yes." she said, her voice barely a whisper.
"Did you plan on telling me?" I said, ignoring her pleading look.
"I... I... I wanted to. God knows I wanted to..." She said, tears falling down her cheeks.
"Lottie, please leave." I muttered under my breath.
~~*~~
When we were finished with cleaning up the place, Alex and I sat down in the living room, regaining the strength that the entire afternoon took from us.
"Do you think I was harsh with Lottie, Lex?" I asked him, breaking the silence.
"You did what you had to do. No one can judge you, Ence." he said, patting my hand.
"I wanted to just hug her and say that everything was okay again... but I still couldn't believe she betrayed my trust... I just don't know if I could trust her again."
"In time you will... just give yourself and Lottie some time. When you feel that you're ready, then you will be." Alex consoled me.
"Lex, I haven't actually thanked you for everything... Without you, I don't know if I would have made it..." I said with all sincerity.
"Of course, you would. There was never any doubt in my mind about that. You're stronger than you think, Ence. I think we all are. That's why we need these things, to remind us of what we have, and of what we are." he replied, looking at me in the eye.
"What I meant was, if you weren't around, I would still be sulking by now... It would have taken me ages before I realized that my life was better spent doing something else."
"Well, don't worry about it. You would have the same thing for me." he said as he grabbed the remote and started surfing for something to watch.
"Speaking of which..." I started, seizing the opportunity to bring up his stint at Will's. "...you do know that you can trust me, right?"
"Huh? Of course. Why, what's up?" he asked hesitantly....
"The thing is, Lex, the night that I found out about Luke... earlier that night, I went to Will's. I made some desserts for you guys and I thought it would be nice to surprise you... But you guys weren't there..." I said, breaking off, not knowing if I should continue or not.
"Really? I didn't know that you went there..." he said, hesitantly.
"Well, that's what a surprise is, Lex." I said, sarcastically. "But that's not the point. Carl told me that Will didn't have any problems... and that it was you who were in deep shit. What's wrong Lex?" I asked, my voice filled with concern.
"Well... Uhm... it's nothing. Don't worry about it."
"What do you mean it's nothing?! It's not "nothing" if you were crying over it." I said harshly... "Shit, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to ask you this way... it's just that it sucks, you know. Not knowing... not being trusted. I mean, you tell me that I'm your best-freaking-friend but you don't trust me enough to tell me what the hell is wrong... Will you stop it with the TV?!" I was clearly agitated by this, and he saw that when he switched off the TV and faced me.
"Ence, you know that I trust you with my life. You're one of the very few people whom I consider as my friends, and you are my BEST friend...
"But I didn't tell you at that time because... because you were so happy with Luke. You were beaming all the time and I didn't want you to worry. And I wasn't even too sure about what to do yet... I wanted to tell you every time I saw you but I didn't want to spoil anything... that's why I was acting 'weird', to quote you."
When he saw my confusion with his last statement, he told me that Geoff asked him if he had any problems 'cause as I have told Geoff, "he was acting weird."
"And then, the thing with Luke happened. I clearly didn't want to add to your problems... So I guess I was just waiting for the right time."
"Now is a perfect time. Would you like to share what the hell we're talking about here?" I intoned.
"So it is. Uhm, remember Jennifer?"
"Your ex from Australia?" I asked.
"Yeah, well you know what happened with us, right? She called me a week ago. She went to the ranch looking for me but seeing that I wasn't there, she looked up all my friends and asked them.... Anyway, she got hold of my number and has been calling since. She wants to get back with me."
Jennifer was his only serious relationship in Australia, and perhaps in his entire life. They lasted for almost three years, before suddenly, without any warning, she broke it off. The only explanation that she gave was that "she needed to find herself first." She was apparently having family troubles and a lot of other issues that she wanted to resolve first. Alex was completely devastated by this incident, and he tried to talk some sense to Jennifer, telling her that he was willing to do anything just to get her back. He practically begged to her. But she was adamant. She told him not to wait for her any more and to find someone else. When Alex persisted on staying with her, she told him that she was already in love with the caretaker of "his" stable. That's the reason why Alex suddenly left Aussie and went back here.
"Wh-what do you mean she wants to get back?" I asked him cautiously.
"She wants me to go back to Australia... We could pick up from we left off, she said."
"What? What the hell does she mean by that? What did she think it was? A chess game where you can quit, shuffle the pieces and come back to it years later?" I asked, my temper rising.
"I know..." he said quietly.
"So... wh-what did you tell her?"
"That I would think about it... I'll give her an answer before the month ends." he said, not looking at me.
"Before the month ends... that's, that's next week..." I mumbled.
"Yeah." was his mere reply. We remained silent for a long time, neither of his saying a word... We just sat there looking at one another.
"So are you seriously considering this?" I asked him, when my emotions finally settled down.
"Sort of." he responded.
"Are you mad?! What if she leaves you again? What if she suddenly wakes up one day and decides that she's in love with your gardener this time? I mean, do you realize what you have to sacrifice for her? And what if... what if it doesn't work? What if she does it again? What guarantee do you have? What if she breaks your fucking heart again?" I intoned, my voice almost shouting.
"Ence, calm down..." he said softly.
"I am calm! Do you realize what you are even considering? I mean, Alex, how can you even trust her again after what she did to you?" I asked in amazement.
"I love her." The simplicity of his response and the calmness of his voice felt like a bucket of water thrown to my face.
~~*~~
I didn't know how to react after Alex told me his news. I felt uncomfortable, scared to be honest. I just lost Luke and I didn't want to lose him as well. And I knew that his loss would be bigger and more painful, not because it was last but because I needed him more.
I spent hours and hours just thinking his dilemma over, and I knew that I already knew what I must tell, but I just didn't know if I could do it. I don't want to alter his decision, but to help him reach his own. But I also knew that I had to do the right thing for him, and more importantly for myself. I wouldn't be able to live with it, if I didn't.
Two nights after he told me, with just five days remaining before he tells Jennifer his decision, I sat him down on the dining table and spoke my mind, forgetting the possible repercussions for me, fearing nothing but losing him.
"I've been thinking..." I gently started, my voice filled with dread.
"For the past days, I've been doing nothing else but that, it seems..." I went on, waiting for courage to fill my heart.
"Well, I just... I just tried to look at things from your shoes. And to be honest, oh, please don't hate me for saying this Lex...." I panicked, my voice breaking.
"I won't hate you, Ence." He responded gently, nodding for me to go on. With a deep breath, I went on, voicing all of my thoughts, holding nothing back.
"Okay. Here it goes: I don't think you really love her still. I mean, it's been more than a year that you haven't spoken a word to her, for crying out loud. It's just that you haven't been with anyone else. You haven't seen a single skirt since you got here. But say, for argument's sake that you really do love her still. Then I'd say you're stupid and that you deserve someone better. A lot better. Okay... I'm being cruel here, it's a fact that I don't know Jennifer, but I do know you. And I know what she did to you. And you don't deserve that. Not today, not ever..." I paused to look for any violent reactions from him. He just looked at me blankly and remained silent, so I went on...
"There's more: the reason why I reacted so violently when you first told me was because I didn't want to lose you. I was selfish. I still am, 'coz I still don't. Also, I don't want to see you go through what I just did with Luke. That would be more painful for me. And to be frank, losing you would be more painful than losing that prick. It will not even compare." I continued.
"I was thinking of what I would do if I were in your place... I know that you don't want to leave this pad, this place, me." I smiled at this, and thankfully he smiled painfully as well.
"Having said those things, Alex, what I really want to tell you... the point of all these... is that you should go. You should give it a try. If you think that you still love her then you should give it a try. You owe it to yourself. I know that if you stayed on the account of me and everything that just happened here, I could never forgive myself. I also know that if you stayed here, you would forever second-guess yourself. You'd always have the what-if's hanging over your head... and like I said, you deserve better." I said, scared as shit that he'd say he's going, but at the same time, relieved that I have made my peace with myself.
"Thanks, Ence. I've been thinking, too..." he said, looking down at the table, my heart climbing up to my throat.
"And?" I asked, my voice barely coming out of my throat.
"And I still don't know. I'm no nearer to a decision than I was yesterday. But now I know that IF I do decide to go, you won't be mad at me."
"Of course I won't. Heartbroken but not mad." I said, attempting to tease him but failing miserably. He just looked up at me and smiled weakly, a simple gesture of gratitude.
~~*~~
"Geoff, are you there?" I asked, getting no response from him.
"O my God... are... are you okay?" he asked in an un-Geoff tone.
"As okay as I can be." I said as the tears gushed out of my eyes. Alex has just told me a minute ago about his decision. He will be leaving for Australia. He already told his parents about it and he's already booked for an evening flight.
When he told me, I wasn't able to control the sound that came out of my mouth, a small gasp/cry/moan. I smiled at him and told him that I wish him the best, even though I wanted to stick my arm inside Jennifer's mouth and pull her insides out. I stood up almost too quickly and went up behind him and hugged his head. I couldn't face him for I knew that tears were about to flood from me. I told him that I would just get dressed and that he should too for I'm treating him to lunch. But he told me that he wanted to stay in the pad, instead. I retorted that I have to change nonetheless.
I nearly ran towards my bath, and called Geoff from my mobile.
"Okay, you go out there and tell him that that slut is not getting him, you hear me. You tell him that that whore will not have his kids. Tell him that he's staying even if you have to tie him up in bed." Geoff said, in a voice that made my tears retreat. We both laughed at the image of Alex tied down on my bed. I asked Geoff to call up the guys for dinner at my place.
Acting as if my heart wasn't just grounded into a fine pulp, I went out to the dining room where he was cooking and I set the plates. He looked up at me and I smiled at him, but it didn't fool him. He blocked my path, looked directly at me, and hugged me. I hugged him as tightly as I could.
"Hey, it's not like we'd never see each other again." he said. My tears have already made a pool in his shirt. I only smirked at this comment.
"You can always come and visit. You can even bring everyone. The ranch is big enough for us all. Plus, we'll come and visit you guys, I promise. I'll bring Jennifer to meet the best brother in the world, my only brother." Alex said, in the soothing voice he uses to me.
"I hate you." was all I said.
"No, you don't. We both know you love me. I love you too, Ence." He said, wiping away my tears... We stood there for a long time, holding one another, looking simply at each other's eyes. Then, without thinking, I pulled his head and kissed him. We kissed as deeply and as passionately as we could. In that one moment, time stopped and we were all that mattered.
Three days later, he flew to Australia.
~~*~~