This is a story about some young gay men and their families, and what they experience learning about gay life. Thanks to Tim Mead for all his help. Comments welcome to Cgard43@hotmail.com
THE OTHER BOYS OF SUMMER
-9-
Having just seen the pastor for the first time just a couple of weeks earlier, I was still surprised at how different he looked in casual clothes. I guess pastoral robes and collar make everyone look bigger, but in person he was less imposing. He was a handsome man, however, and he had one of the most engaging smiles I've ever seen.
Drew and Eric were already at the church when I arrived and we were welcomed by the pastor and immediately escorted into his office. Drew completed the introductions, and the pastor insisted everyone call him Frank.
"It seems to me that I saw you in church a few weeks ago," Frank said to me as he shook my hand.
"Yes sir," I answered, "I enjoyed the service very much." He smiled.
We got the preliminaries out of the way fairly quickly, although I could tell both Eric and Drew were each having trouble revealing his past experiences and concerns. I finally thought I'd take a stab at helping out.
"Frank, let me try to explain something, if I may. Earlier this summer, Eric came out to me and told me that his parents had tried to 'cure' him of being gay through various programs. That's where he initially met Drew whose parents were trying the same. Now, both sets of parents seem more willing to let them be who they are and Drew's parents, at least, seem to be accepting of it.
"Eric's father seems to be coming around, but his mother is still vehemently against accepting the fact that her son is gay. She's a Baptist and apparently very homophobic. Eric's parents have been away this summer but will be home in less than three weeks so there is some urgency to the situation.
"As to Drew and Eric, they've just begun dating and they would appreciate some advice on that as well as on how to approach Eric's mom so she'll be more accepting. I admit I'm the one who suggested that they meet with you."
"Well, young man," Frank said to me with a warm smile, "You certainly know how to tell a story succinctly. I may start asking you for help with my sermons." That got chuckles from the rest of us, and then he went on.
"I already knew of Drew's situation with his parents as I have had two telephone conversations with his mother after she'd attended that service with him. For the record, she already agreed that I could share that fact with Drew." Drew smiled which I took as a good sign. The Pastor agreed that Drew's parents were pretty well accepting although they wished not to see it flaunted. The implication was that their standing in the community was significant and they were concerned.
"I think that many in the community wish that some of the public exhibition of 'gayness' would be less intrusive. I hear that often from parents." Eric, Drew, and I all nodded to show we understood.
He then began to ask Eric a series of questions about where his parents worshipped, and what programs he'd been through over the years. I saw a slight smile cross his face when Eric mentioned the church's name, but I didn't know what that meant. Then the pastor asked Eric his mother and father's full names. When he told him, the pastor smiled again.
Frank turned to me again.
"Let's start with the parental issues and then it might be better if Drew, Eric and I discussed relationships alone." I nodded quickly. He returned his focus to all three of us.
"You know, frequently in smaller cities, the clergy all get to know one another, and for the most part work together on things. As it happens I know the pastors at both Drew's original church as well as the pastor where Eric's family worships.
"They're both pretty good friends of mine, in fact. Despite what you might think from some of the public pronouncements of the various denominations, most ministers are not homophobic in private. In this case, neither of them is. I know that for a fact.
"An even greater irony, Eric, is that I happen to know your mother as well. We served on a civic committee together several years ago. I have to believe that she knew there was at least a strong likelihood that I was gay and yet we worked very well together." Eric looked very surprised.
"That leads me to conclude that it may well be your mother's pride, rather than her religious convictions, that is ruling her judgment. It's not at all uncommon for a parent to think that it's somehow their fault if their child is gay. That, of course, is nonsense in all but the most unique cases, but that's the way it is. And that guilt can be very hard for a parent to deal with.
"So, let me tell you what I think you should do. Eric and Drew, I suggest that you each call your family's pastors and request a private meeting with them. And, as good as he is, you don't need to bring your spokesman with you." I chuckled and gestured that it had been their idea. Frank smiled back at me.
"Tell them the truth. Tell them that you are gay. Not that you think you are but that you are. Ask for their help in communicating to your parents that you don't blame them and that you certainly don't want to reflect badly upon them. The second part seems particularly important in both your cases.
"I'd also suggest that you ask your parents to attend a PFLAG meeting sometime. PFLAG regularly has open meetings so that even people who aren't parents to gay people can attend. If you can get them to do that, they will certainly get a chance to see how widespread homosexuality is in our community, and meet other family members of gay people. It should help them deal with their own issues as well as increase their awareness of what you may be facing.
"Any questions?" I glanced at Drew and Eric and was surprised at how calm they both seemed, compared to how they had been when the meeting started.
"No," they said almost in unison.
"What you say makes a lot of sense," Eric said, "I never thought about talking to my pastor because I just assumed he was homophobic. It's very good to know that he isn't, and I actually like him as a person. That makes me feel better.
"I doubt I can get my Mom to go to a PFLAG meeting, but I bet my Dad would go if I asked him," Eric went on. "And maybe if he goes, it will give him more ammo for convincing my Mom." Then Drew spoke up.
"I'll do as you say as well," he said to Frank. "I love my parents very much and I don't want to be an embarrassment to them in any way."
"That's good. guys," Frank said. He turned to me, "And now if you'll excuse us, we're going to talk about dating relationships."
"Thank you for your time and all your advice," I said, rising and shaking hands with Frank. "I've been trying to help Eric and Drew but this was way beyond my scope."
"Oh, I don't think so. It seems to me you've done quite a good job," Frank said. I just smiled, and everyone else looked pleased, and I got hugs all around and left.
Eric dropped by the job site the next day and we talked briefly.
"That was a great meeting, wasn't it?" he asked. I certainly agreed that it was and asked about the relationship discussion.
"It was very good too. A lot of things he said you've already told me or shown me by example, but I think it was very good that Drew and I heard it together."
He told me he was going to call his pastor that afternoon to see if he could get an appointment and I encouraged him not to delay.
"Eric, the one thing about the meeting last night that puzzled me a bit was Frank's comment about your Mother feeling guilty that she has a gay son. Do you think that is a credible idea?"
"Yes I do," Eric answered. "My Mom is a very strong-willed woman. Until I told them I thought I was gay, both my parents have always acted very proud of us kids. I've always done well in school and that really made the folks happy. So, I do think Frank may have a point.
"But," he went on, "She's gonna have to learn to be proud of me again, because I am the way I am and I know definitely now that I can't change that." I admired his determination in that single statement and realized he was truly coming along in becoming his own person. That, as they say, really made my day.
On my own home front, I was very excited. Rafe was coming to dinner and it was the first time he'd been in our home since I came out to my folks. I was a bit anxious about how the deal would play out, but I had total confidence in my parents and also in Rafe so I told myself just to relax.
I was surprised to see the table set for only four. My Mom told me that my sister was spending the evening with a friend of hers. That was a surprise as my folks are great advocates of the family eating meals together as often as we can.
Rafe was prompt. He'd known my parents for years, of course, but never before as my boyfriend. I got to the door first. He looked slightly wary but smiled back and winked at me. He gestured to himself, asking if he was dressed well enough and I just smiled and winked at him to answer yes. I stepped back as I heard my Mom approaching.
"Hello, Rafe," my Mom called from the kitchen as she came through the doorway into the foyer and walked in front of me, "So nice to see you again." I was standing behind her and grinned at Rafe. She couldn't see me. She took his hand and gave him a light hug and then turned to me.
"Andy, do go pour some wine and let's all sit down in the living room," she said. I did as I was told, found the bottle of wine in the fridge, but I had to stop and open it first which took several minutes, especially as I'd only opened wine a few times and I really wanted to make sure I did it right. When I walked into the living room, Mom and Rafe were seated across from each other looking like they were somewhat agitated. But they were both smiling which I took to be a good sign.
I served the wine and my Mom smiled at me. Then she excused herself and went back into the kitchen, taking the wine bottle with her.
"What happened?" I asked. Rafe just smiled that sweet smile of his.
"Oh, Andy," he said with a big grin, "Your Mom is wonderful. And, if that's the welcome I'm going to get, I'm going to enjoy this." He refused to say anything more but he did lean over and kiss me. I heard the door open and realized it would be my father.
"Hi Dad," I said cheerfully.
"Good evening, Andy, and how nice to see you again Rafe," my Dad said as Rafe stood and they shook hands. Dad laid his coat across the chair back near the door, took off his tie and put it on top of his jacket. I'd never known him to do either of those things before. Then he looked at me again.
"Please get me a glass of wine too, Andy," Dad said. I nodded and headed back to the kitchen. When I got there, suddenly my Mom got very talkative. She asked me about everything under the sun and kept talking so I couldn't leave for many minutes. Finely I got it.
"Excuse me, Mom, but I promised to take this wine to Dad," I said. In other words, I escaped.
"Here's your wine, Dad," I said as I walked back into the living room. I couldn't quite make out the look on Rafe's face: he either looked very happy or very sad.
"What?" I asked, looking from one to the other.
"Nothing, son," my Dad said, "We're just getting to know each other a bit better. Isn't that all right?" Now I was really puzzled.
"Don't worry, Andy," Rafe said and grinned at me. "Your Dad just paid me the nicest compliment I've ever received." He blushed and then he winked at me.
Well, the whole evening went great. Dinner was delicious...Rafe's favorite which is roast chicken, and then we talked about going back to school and a little about Rafe and me.
My Dad asked Rafe if he'd come out to his parents and he said that he had a year or so ago when his Mom moved away.
"But she was pretty accepting of it," Rafe said, "My Dad's less so, but he's okay now. I get along with both of them although I don't see them too often since the divorce and my Mom moving."
After dinner, Rafe and I offered to clear up the dishes. My Mom surprised me by accepting, something I'd never known her to do with any guest before. Ever. We all carried the dishes from the dining room into the kitchen and that's when my Mom explained.
"Both your father and I welcomed Rafe into our family this evening, Andy," she said with a smile, "And getting to help with the dishes goes with the job!" I started to laugh and then realized exactly what she had meant. I wish you could have seen the smiles on those three faces in that kitchen. I take that back. Once I'd figured it out, there were four smiling faces. As Eric would say, 'Wowee.'
Rafe and I actually had fun washing the dishes and putting most of them in the dishwasher. He offered to wash the rest and I agreed to dry. I admit we kissed a number of times during the process. Oh yes, I have to admit that.
Rafe stayed the night and though my room had twin beds in it, we managed in just one of them. It was a bit tight, but we'd done it before and I couldn't have cared less. I couldn't resist asking what my parents had said to him.
"Nothing bad. Just stuff like they love you very much and want you to be happy, and how they were counting on me to help make your life a good one. I told them I'd do whatever it took to make you happy and your life the best it could be. Just stuff like that!" I chuckled aloud even as my eyes filled with tears. When I turned Rafe's face to mine; his eyes had tears in them also.
"Oh yeah, and they also said some very nice things about me and welcomed me into your family. I'm just whacked, Andy, and I don't know what I was so worried about all those months." I saw more tears in his eyes and so I kissed each eyelid and then just snuggled against him for a long time.
"Everything okay now, Rafe?" I asked.
"Oh yeah," he answered very quietly, "God, what a fool I was." I kissed him gently again. After many minutes of cuddling, we both drifted off to sleep.
The next morning, I awoke to find Rafe sucking me off. We got turned around into a very comfortable 69 position. As I slid his quite large tool down into my throat I started thinking about having him inside me at the other end. At first the thought scared me, but the more we made love that morning, the more the idea of pleasing my guy that way turned me on. What a surprise!
Rafe moaned as I got him more excited and we soon were both coming at about the same time. Then we snuggled until the alarm went off. It was a wonderful beginning to the day.
Afterward, we made up the one bed and had a quick shower and shave, before getting dressed. We headed downstairs for some 'do-it-yourself' breakfast.
"Your parents are nothing short of amazing," Rafe said. "I know I told you that last night but I still think so this morning. I guess there's a reason they have such a great son." I guffawed and only said one sentence.
"If you'd asked, I could have told you all that." He didn't answer; he just gave me one of his dazzling smiles. We kissed each other as we headed out the door to go to work.
Eric showed up at our second jobsite that day and he seemed a bit quiet. I waited while he said hello to the guys, complimented Willie on his tractor driving and did a high-five with Pedro. I had already started my weeding when he walked over to me.
"I've got an appointment with my pastor this evening and I'm not sure what to do. I don't want to embarrass my folks by telling him about those sessions they made me go through. Do you think I have to?" I thought about it for a minute or two.
"No," I said, "And I think I understand why that's bothering you. You don't want him to think less of your parents, isn't that right?" Eric just nodded.
"Just tell him that your folks tried to talk you out of it," I said. "That's all you need to say." I could see him relaxing.
"I keep thinking of what Frank said," he said, almost in a whisper, "If I'm making my Mom feel guilty, I don't want to do that."
"I understand Eric," I said, "But you can't put yourself in a hole like that. You're entitled to live your life too."
"Oh, I know, but it's bothering me that I've upset my parents."
"I understand, Eric, but you have to know this. Parents can be pretty surprising sometimes and there are times when they're just darn amazing," I said. "Let me tell you about the way mine behaved last night."
I'd never spoken to Eric about coming out to my parents, so I quickly brought him up to date as he helped with the weeding.
"But last night, they welcomed Rafe into our family, and it just about wiped me out," I concluded. He grinned and punched me on the shoulder.
"Way to go, man," he said, "I just knew it was going to be fine someday for you two guys."
"And it will be for you also," I answered. "Everything's going to be just fine." I wished I really felt that confident, but I remain an optimist.
to be continued.