Carl sighed as he looked across the fields. The wheat was gone, mere stubble on the face of the earth now.
The corn too had long since disappeared, their tall shafts offering anonymity during his youth.
The bus had become a dot in his sightline. It's driver smiled as he nodded to Carl's thanks for being allowed to disembark at the desolate spot.
He wanted to walk the increased distance that could have been less if the bus stopped at the driveway.
The earth crumbled under his boots. It slowed his pace which was ok. He needed to trudge across the fields.
It was only a few years before that he ran barefoot over the same clods and furrows letting the tips of the wheat slap him on his bare chest and face. Their aroma filled his lungs mixed with the sweet air that this part of the country still offered.
Carl inhaled deeply. The sweet air was still there, not like the smoggy scent of the cities he had visited during the past year.
"Shit" Carl said to nobody except himself. But he had made the decision, he had to.
Dogger would be at the house when he arrived. Older and a bit dumber but a whiz when it came to farming, he had made his decision years ago. Carl was glad since that took the weight off his young shoulders.
The old man would be there too. He would be waiting on the back portch confined to the wheelchair that had taken his mobility away as well as his wife. That was some years ago too. Dogger and Carl had never recovered fully from her loss.
The Old Man had moments of teary eyed memories but was surprisingly cheerful and positive most of the time, probably for the sake of his two sons.
Carl stumbled as he crossed the gulley that ran along side the access road. He had run down that road to the nearby woods during his summers. Sammy would be waiting there. They snuck across old man Marrow's farm to the manmade lake and after stripping boy naked, jump into it's cooling depths.
More then once Marrow appeared shooting his shot gun in the air to chase them away. But he never aimed at them. Later Carl realized it was a game, especially when the man came to the house to say good bye.
The woods were gone now. Construction on the townhouses had finished while he was gone. They looked odd there. Marrow's farm lands were crossed with new streets and the manmade lake had been emptied.
It was ok. Sammy wasn't waiting anymore.
He crossed the road into the corn fields. Dogger had learned to rotate crops when he went to agricultural college. Carl was still in High School when his brother came back home to apply what he learned.
But the corn fields stayed the same, a memorial of sorts.
"Meet you at the Mr. Meany" he whispered on the phone. It was night, rather early morning. One o'clock in the morning. His father and brother would be awake in a few hours yelling at him to get out of bed.
"Right" Sammy whispered and the phone click told him it was final. They had decided finally.
The summer night air was close. Humidity caused his armpits to sweat as Carl nervously ran into the protection of the tall stalks. The leaves brushed against his face and bare chest.
He wondered if Sammy would be there or not. Even though he knew the view was blocked, he still worried that somehow the old man could see out his upstairs bedroom window. But it was dark.
"hey" Sammy didn't whisper.
"shhhh" Carl replied knowing that their voices would carry far especially in the quiet night interupted only by crickets and an occasional trailer truck horn.
The scarecrow was laying on the ground now. It had changed of course. Everything does. Dogger had let it lay there until he would plant again. Carl nudged it with his boot.
"Hey Meany" he said "long time no see" he laughed. He had named the scarecrow when only a little boy. He used that name because it scared him.
Dogger laughed at him. His mother told him not to worry. And his Dad said "when something or someone scares you, give it a name and stand up to them and laugh".
Carl laughed again. Mr. Meany not only didn't scare him after that it became a friend.
"You sure?" Sammy asked as he peeled his shirt off.
Carl was nervous then. He was scared too as he reached out and touched Sammy's chest. He had touched his friend many times over the years they grew up together.
But that was when they wrestled, played tag, front yard football and school yard horse play. That night while Mr. Meany stood there guarding them, it was different.
He courched now by the fallen scarecrow. The thing had one of dogger's old suit coats. The hat was his father's who didn't have any use for sun protection any more. And the shirt was his.
Carl recognized it readily. Sammy had given that to him when they both graduated from high school. They spent the night together that night in a motel room next door to one of their fellow alumni and his girld friend.
He touched the shirt.
Sammy wrapped his arms around him not displaying any of the hesitancy his words had. Their bodies touched. It would be different then before.
They had seen each other spray the air as they recovered from their illegal skinny dips. They had even touched each other giving pleasure on birthdays and times when their youthfully inspired lust demanded.
But it was different that time.
He sat on the ground wanting to remember rather then hike closer to the house, sheds, barn and garage. They were excpecting him but there wasn't a specific time.
Sammy kissed him and he responded. They had never kissed before not even in fun. It was like sometihng inside both of them moved up and out of their heads when their lips met.
Their fingers felt each other in a new way. Their skin tingled as it had never done before. Their penis had become cocks in anticipation and now moved against and around each other as they squirmed.
The blanket Sammy brought waited for their trembling legs to fold so they would rest and love.
He was hard now thinking about it. Remembering the sight of Sammy running in his underwear from his house across the highway to his house when his Grandmother died. He was crying, distraught, scared and yelling at the same time.
Carl's Dad took the boy in his arms and helped him calm down. He gave Sammy clothes and all of them drove down the dirt driveway and across the highway to his house.
Sammy and Carl stayed outside while the parents went inside to find the deceased Grandmother. They made telephone calls they had to.
Sammy cried next to him that night. He lay his arm across the boy in his bed. Perhaps it was then he knew he loved him.
He put his mouth on Sammy's hard-on that first night while Meany watched them. Sammy gasped at first then relaxed. His hand reached for Carl's erection after that. They had much to do with each other. There were so many ways to explore their feelings. And somewhow they would express their boyhood friendship turned into love for each other.
They did it all surprised how long they had been naked together in the cornfield that night.
Carl heard the voice yelling his name across the still darkness. The voice ended their night together.
"Carlee" he heard it now as if it were that night so long ago. He stood and saw the small figure at the edge of the field. The voice was similar to his Dad's voice but it voiced his boyhood name the same way.
He hated being called Carlee. But that didnt' deter his Dad or brother one bit.
Carl wished the figure was Sammy. He would have dropped his knapsack and coat he carried and run until their arms held tight the way they did in private many times after that first night in the cornfield.
But that wasn't possible.
"So Marines huh?" His Dad said from his wheel chair. He had accepted the fact that Carl wasn't a farmer.
Sammy's folded letter stayed in his pocket during his training. They had parted after graduation. Sammy headed to college thanks to money from his grandparents. He stayed home for a year working and trying to figure things out.
They shared a holiday visit. Sammy said he had changed.
The letter said otherwise a few months later but it didn't matter. Carl heard about the car wreck that made that letter the last one.
They lay there while Carl heard his name being called. They were holding each other and promising whatever happened to be there for each other.
Dogger smiled and reached out his hand to accept Carl's.
"Why didn't you come up the drive? Wanted to play farmboy in the fields again or what?" He said "Shit man you look great."
Carl shook the hand and ended up in the brotherly hug that he enjoyed. He wished it were Sammy. But Dogger and he were close. So many brothers weren't especially when they found out one was gay.
"Thanks, you look good too, hows the old man?" He asked.
"He almost wheeled down to the highway to meet you but I told him you'd be coming across the field".
"How did you know that?"
"I left Mr. Meany out there for you didn't I?" he said grabbing Carl's knapsack.
"Yea, had to you know" Carl said. He had told Dogger everything days after graduation ready to be hit hard, cursed or even disowned. His older brother did none of those things.
"Yea I know" Dogger said as he led Carl toward the house. The sight of his father's wheel chair got clearer as they got closer.
"Miss him" Carl said.
"I know" Dogger said "but now you're home, we've missed you".
Carl couldn't get Sammy memories out of his head. the visit home would make his memory more vivid as Carl feared it would.
The news of his travel orders would have to be discussed he knew. And there was the matter of the farm. Sammy had left his grandparents house and land to him.
Carl turned and looked at it across the road. He wanted to see the nearly naked boy running across the highway and up the drive, yelling and crying.
But he saw only a forty foot truck passing by. On the side of it was an advertisement that said "TAKE THE NEXT STEP, JOIN THE MARINES".
"Hey Dad, how you doin?" Carl yelled out. Someday he would take the next step and tell the old man.
But for now, he was home.