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The Magnitude of Guilt 3
I am Eckhardt Hutter, a first-year student from Windhoek in Namibia. I grew up in a conservative German family and attended a German school. Tom, a friend I have made at university, says I am an "extremely good-looking twink". I am over six feet tall, have dusty blond hair, and blue eyes, and Tom says, "a well-sculptured body."
There are about 30 000 German speakers in Namibia. Many live in the capital and smaller towns like Swakopmund, Lüderitz, and Otjiwarongo. German Namibians are prominent in business, farming, and tourism or as governmental officials. It's a small community and everyone knows everyone. And that's why I am so glad to be in Cape Town where I am free to explore my sexual identity and who I want to be.
My parents were very involved in Church and most of our social time was spent there. I attended Sunday School and the youth group, and my parents also sang in the choir, and on Sundays we all attended church services. I knew I was attracted to boys when I was in the fifth grade, but I never told anyone. I had two older sisters, and we weren't that close.
Helmut was my best friend, we were in the same grade, the same Church, and the same soccer team. His parents had gone to school with my parents, and we even went on joint holidays on occasion. In other words, our families were very close. Helmut was slightly taller than me. He had light brown hair and brown eyes. He had always been stronger than me, but I was brighter than him. He got the better of me in our play wrestling matches, but I was always the brains of the class achieving top marks. We made a good team. Over the years I watched his body develop and observed every muscle and knew that I was attracted to him. But I also knew that these feelings were not right, particularly not from our family's religious point of view.
Helmut may not have been the sharpest academically, but he understood people and knew what motivated them. Helmut was what psychologists today call emotionally intelligent. He was the youngest of three close brothers, and they taught him things that small children didn't know. Over time I realised that he understood the deep desire I had for him. He knew that I would do anything for him, and on occasion, he would use this power. I did his homework sometimes, I shared answers in tests, and I promoted him to be class captain and a sports leader. I even persuaded girls to go out with him.
I am sure that Helmut knew that I had a crush on him, he saw that the way I looked at him and used this power. The night I write about happened in my last year of primary school when I slept over at his house like I had many times before. We watched a movie, and it was just before ten when we said goodnight and went up to Helmut's small room in the attic. We stripped down to our undies and climbed into his bed. I was thrilled to be so close to Helmut and to have his bare skin against mine. My dick was hard, and we continued talking in the dark. Out of the blue, he asked me whether I masturbated. I had heard the word before, but I didn't know what it was, and I said no.
"Masturbation is when you move your hand up and down your dick and get a good feeling. It's an amazing sensation. Let me show you what my brothers taught me."
I was excited and said "Please" and pulled my undies down. I reached across and touched Helmut's dick which was also hard. Helmut leaned over me and took my dick in his hand and started to wank me. It felt very good having another person touching my dick. I was so worked up that I trembled, and Helmut had to calm me down. After a short while, I began to breathe faster, and I felt an intense feeling in and around my dick. It was something that I had never felt before and a few blobs of cum squirted out of my dick.
Helmut let my dick go and took hold of his dick and wanked it vigorously. My eyes were fixed on Helmut's dick. His body jerked a few times, and he spurted out a few blobs of cum. He gasped and he was breathing more heavily. Afterward, explained what we did was called masturbation (Selbstbefriedigung). I felt guilty and ashamed that I had done this, but Helmut said that that feeling was normal.
Helmut turned away from me, said goodnight, and fell asleep. I lay on my back reflecting on what had happened. It was an unbelievable feeling and doing it with Helmut was fantastic. The next morning, I woke up with Helmut's hand around my stiff dick. He was wanking me. I whispered good morning and wrapped my fingers around his shaft and wanked him at the same time. It wasn't long before we were both spurting cum on our stomachs. Helmut used a T-shirt to wipe us clean, and we got dressed when his mother called us for breakfast.
I will never forget this night. It was to be the first of many. Helmut would sleep at my place, and we sometimes shared a room on holiday, and we were together on one school trip. In time Helmut introduced me to oral sex and later Helmut would fuck me.
Helmut is studying in Germany now, and we don't have any contact. I am studying medicine in Cape Town and I've made new friends. I am grateful to Helmut for teaching me about "Selbstbefriedigung" and for the other lessons he taught me. But my friends at university are teaching me much more about touch, intimacy, and emotional connection.