Disclaimer: I am not connected to the Backstreet Boys (damn) or anyone they have ever had contact with. I am not a Backstreet Boy. This story is fictional. I do not know if the Backstreet Boys are gay. I do not particularly care to know either. I do not know them. Please do not sue me. You will not get a dime.
THE LOVERS
by B
Sometimes, maybe once, maybe a few times, I've let down my guard to him, or to someone else that's close. And I'm not just talking about trusting someone. I'm talking about letting someone feel me, letting me feel them. Letting me be them and them be me for that split second in ecstasy. And then it's gone. And you go back to the way you were. And they go back to the way they were. And you both try to forget about what happened because if they remember, your emotional well-being is at stake. It will destroy you. It will kill your soul if they were to remember what they had felt - all the emotions you never show, all of your secrets, all of things you barely know about yourself. Sometimes I wish that these few people I've let in will remember. I hope they'll tell me what they felt and saw in me. But thy never do. It's terribly unfair, but that's how it goes.
From the second I heard his voice, I knew it would be one of those times.
"You can't. You can't leave me... It's not fair!" Nick's plea shot through the phone. I could already tell that he'd been crying.
"Please... I have to see you again..."
I listened to his strangled sobs and felt myself get weighty with pain. He could always do that to me. I was thankful that I couldn't see his big blue eyes. I hate it when he gets all hysterical. Seeing him makes it much worse.
"Nick, I can't - "
Another cry. It sounded like someone was knifing him in his ribs.
"God, Nicky, why ya gotta do this to me? Huh?"
He composed himself, taking a deep breath on the other end. He sighed heavily. "I miss you."
"Awww, Nick, stop. Gawd... Ya know it's gotta be this way. No one can know, Nicky. So just - "
"I love you."
I closed my eyes sadly at this. He had me cornered. I had no choice now.
"I love you too."
The line was dead for a while. He was waiting for me.
I grumbled. "Gimme ten minutes?"
I heard him gulp. His eyes were probably all red and swollen and I bet that his cupid's bow mouth was beestung and I could almost see him biting his bottom lip trying to hold it all back. He'd been trained to be a 'hard' man. No tears for the public. No regrets for the public. No emotions but happiness for the public. We had all been trained that way, I suppose. Everyone has been. But Nick couldn't be what he wasn't. I loved him for that with all my heart. I rubbed my eyes.
Kevin rustled the newspaper in his hands and glared at me over the top of it. His now cold green eyes could be so loving sometimes. Tonight they weren't. He knew what I was doing. He was telling me he did not, in any way, approve.
Holding Kevin's icy gaze, I listened to Nick's breathing, evening out now.
"Is that alright, Nicky?" I asked again.
"Yea," he whispered softly. Gratefulness dripped from his voice.
"Nicky, stop crying."
He cleared his throat. "Please hurry."
"I will."
"Baby, I love you so much..." His voice was all choked up again.
"Shhhh. I know. I know," I replied in a gentle tone. "I'm leaving now."
"Okay. Bye."
I hung up and looked to Kevin. His glare had not wavered a bit.
"Don't. Don't Kevin."
He threw the paper down. "You know this is wrong!" he shouted angerly, pointing a finger at me. "You know in your heart that what you're about to do will hurt everyone! It will hurt us, it will hurt you, it will hurt Nick!" he rattled off, counting out my sins on his hands.
I set the phone on the table and turned on my heels. No Kevin. Not tonight. I don't have time. You will not make me feel guilty ever again.
He silently watched me walk away for a few seconds and I think he realized that he'd lost me tonight. He'd lost his perfect disciple. I'd lost God, I'd lost religion. I'd lost a lot. But I would not lose Nick. Not to him. Not to anyone.
"You're going to hell for this," he stated simply, his arms folded across his chest. I almost had to choke back the laugh on that one. If I was going hell, he most definitely was. It had taken me time, but I'd eventually figured it out. It wasn't something I wanted to do. I guess that's why I put it off for so long. After all of these years of listening to Kevin preach to me and do the opposite, I was kinda forced to realize that it had never been about religion to him. It had nothing to do with his 'God.' It was about HIS power over me. I'd lost a lot for him, so he could feed off of his little power trips. To shut him the hell up. Not anymore though.
I turned to him. "I'll see ya there, buddy."
He looked positively shocked. I spit on the floor near his feet while holding his deep eyes. And I walked out.
"Don't walk away from me, B - " I shut the door just as he was about to lecture me. It wasn't the first time. But it would be the last.
The drive to Nick's wasn't long from Kevin's house. Before going inside, I stood at the edge of his yard, looking over the steep cliff to the tumultuous ocean. It turned and tossed violently despite the still, warm air that hung in the night soundlessly. I breathed it in. I'd never told him exactly how much I loved his house. I gazed up to the bay windows. In the moon light, I saw him standing behind the wall of glass. His arms were pressed against it and he was staring at me with those haunting blue eyes. I shivered as I stared back. He mouthed 'hi' weakly to me. I attempted a smile but stopped myself. There would be no humor tonight.
I trudged up the steps and let myself in. His pugs swarmed around my ankles but didn't yip. They smelled my legs vigorously as I continued on my journey to Nick's room.
His cologne wafted to my nose and I inhaled it greedily. Cool Waters blended with his unique strong maleness. I'd missed that.
Clothes and shoes thrown across the darkened living room. all the shades were drawn and the entire two story house was revealed to be mostly glass. Blue moonlight streamed down on the polished wood floor and the modern black leather furniture cast far-reaching shadows on the walls. A bachelor's pad. Definitely.
I shed my Wildcats jacket to the floor admist the other clothes and leaned on the spiral staricase railing. My eyes searched the darkness for movement. Nick appeared at the top of the platform. He looked down at me. Red eyes, swollen lips and all. He wiped his nose with the sleeve of his shirt and sniffed loudly. He sat down where he was standing clumsily with a thud.
"Ouch," he said almost inaudibly. He tore his gaze from mine and wound his arms around his pulled up knees.
I shoved my hands in my pockets and started up the stairs to him. He still stared at the floor, sniffling to himself pathetically. I loved when he pouted. I came to kneel in front him, a few inches from his big, gangly body. He was still growing into it.
"Nicky?" I asked gently.
"Yeah?" he replied, his face buried in the crook of his arm. I reached out and ruffled his thick hair. He didn't budge.
Slipping a hand under his soft chin, I brought his face up to mine and stared deeply into his eyes.
"I'm here now. You can stop any time. You won, remember?"
He looked at me, dark blue irises illuminating his features in the dim lighting. In his eyes radiated wisdom and innocence. A bizarre combination. But that was the essence of Nick. And I adored my young Adonis to no end.
He opened his mouth and let his baby breath fan lightly over my face. He pressed his forehead to mine and continued to stare, unblinkingly, into my eyes. He brought a hand up to trace my defined jaw, his fingertips like feathers across my already heated skin. Nick sniffled childishly. Our breath mingled dangerously. I ran my fingers down his smooth, round face, memorizing every handsome boyish detail.
His tender voice broke the dead silence between us as we sat in the dark together.
"I've never done this," he breathed as my lips brushed his neck. He wrapped his arms around my back in a hug, desperately clinging to me. I ran a hand up his broad back and wound my fingers into his think blonde hair. I buried my face into the hollow of his neck and kissed the divet in his collar bone. I tongued him there and he let his head fall back. A muffled sigh echoed in his throat. I cradled his head and laved my way up to his soft jawline. I kissed his chin, feeling his adolescent fuzz tickle my lips. I rubbed my thumbs behind either of his ears. He mewed - that was his spot.
He suddenly snapped and crushed his lips to mine, his hands around my neck and in my short hair. He pushed me to my back on the floor, forcing me to succumb to him as if I was a captive of his amorous ways. His thick tongue pushed my lips apart and he kissed me like I had never been kissed before. With unleashed passion and something I had a hard time identifying. As he slowed down and we fell into a sensuous rythym, I immediately recognized it. It was love.
He tasted me so deeply, I could have sworn he wanted to taste my soul. He traced the inside of my mouth, feeling my teeth, nibbling my lips, his tongue mating with mine. He pressed his body against mine and slowly moved his wicked mouth to my neck. I groaned as his teeth marked the delicate skin. Where he nipped me, he'd run his tongue along, and nibble again. He carefully undid a few of the buttons on my shirt and opened it. His sweet torture travelled down to the angry red scar that appeared. I could hear my heart as he licked along the length of it, his hot breath driving me further into desire as it whispered against my glistening skin. He gently laid an open palm to the puckered skin as if to feel my hurt. He pulled away and looked at me. The man before me was not my Nick. Not my mischievious partner in crime. Oh no. This was most definitely not him. His savory lips so swollen from crying and our love. They were parted slightly with his heavy breathing and I remember letting my gaze follow up to his vibrant eyes. In his state of arousal, they appeared to be electrified in the moon light - endless pools of lumescient emotion. His cheeks were flushed with a deep rose, as was his neck. The blonde tufts on his head were splaying out all over, messily suggesting what had taken place. I'd never, in all my years of knowing him, seen him so in his prime. He appeared to be the physical manifestation of sex and lust and sinning. And I accepted this new Nick with open arms.
As I laid hypnotized by the seductive apparition of my love, he snaked a hand between my thighs and massaged me slowly, his fingers running over me through my jeans. I gasped in the dark.
He pulled his hand from my passionate center to my dismay. I moaned softly to him. I got no reply. Sitting up, I looked at Nick. He glanced at me nervously. This was most definitely a big mistake.
"Oh, Nicky, I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. I shouldn't have come over. This was a huge mistake. We'll, uh, we'll just pretend this never happened, alright? I swear I'll never tell anyone, Nick. Maybe you're not really...," I didn't want to say it. So I didn't. "Maybe you're not that way. I shouldn't have... you know. I'll leave now and give you space, and-and I won't say a word..." I began to get up and was startled when he grabbed my arm. He wasn't rough. Just fast.
He searched my face desperately and I felt him penetrate me with his gaze. "You think this is a mistake?" he asked inocuously, tears forming in his eyes again.
"I... Nick, I... Do you?"
Still holding my arm, he pulled me closer and kissed my palm, held against his warm face. He laved my wrist with that soft pink tongue. I melted to him, feeling weak.
With conviction that was years beyond his age ringing in his voice, he looked at me, eyes clouded over lustily and said in such a way that I'll never forget that one word.
"No."
We helped each other undress right then and there. I pulled his shirt over his head and tossed it to the floor. He self-conciously covered his stomach. An automatic reaction. I took his hands and spread them open. I placed both my palms on his round tummy and I felt him tense considerably.
"Shhhh... No...," I whispered in his ear. I bit the tender lobe of his delicate ear and felt him relax beneath my touch. I kneaded his stomach and he laid his head on my shoulder submissively.
His hands once again found my most private area and he slowly unzipped my jeans. I held my breath, anticipation coursing throughout my burning veins, pumped from my heart full of love for this boy. This boy I'd known forever. This boy who'd been my best friend. This boy whom I'd only recently been in love with. I'd never pushed it. I'd only kissed him now. And as his hands found me, a tear rolled down my cheek. This was right. It was perfect.
Nick could feel my bated breath on his bare shoulder and nuzzled me affectionately. In little above a sigh, he said, "Show me how."
I looked into those azure orbs again.
"However you please yourself."
We pleasured each other that night. Beyond what I had thought we would. There was nothing clumsy about it. There was nothing wrong. There was only perfection. As I felt his body below me, as we made love, we were one perfect whole. I wanted to bathe in him, to be him. I wanted to feel what he did. The hurt, the love. When he made me come, I thought I was surely dying. So much pleasure I was in agonizing pain. I groped for him in the dark, my hands entangling in his. He comforted me with assurances of love. And all the while, as I writhed beneath him, his fingers, his hot mouth, he watched me with those mezmorizing blue eyes. I cried every time. He cried with me. The intensity of our union was blinding. And there were no regrets.
Morning came all too soon and I awoke to Nick wrapped around me like a blanket. I yawned and opened tired eyes to the dawning day. The house creaked and the sea below turned. The sun was everywhere around us. The rays falling about our intwined bodies. I watched as the dust floated through the waterfalls of light. Beautiful rivlets of cascading light. It was bizarre how I differently I saw the world after the last night's awakening. I realized we had somehow made it downstairs.
Nick stirred. He pulled closer to my naked body still. He snuggled me, ensuring that we were in no way on a different plane than we'd been the endless night before. His breath was uneven as he came out of his slumber. With my back to him, I imagined him opening one lazy blue eye and peering into the day, like he did to me from our bunks on the tour bus. Or when we shared a hotel room. I smiled to myself, envisioning the messy blond mane, sticking up everywhere, cowlicking around his face. He hated when it did that.
Nick streched a lanky leg and then the other, bones popping and snapping as everything in his languid body slid back into place. His spread toes tickled the backs of my calves. He sniffed as quietly as he could. He'd forgotten to take his allergy pills. I listened, hearing him as he grabbed a shirt or something off the cluttered wood floor and pulled it up over his head to block out the happy chirping of the beach birds and the blinding morning light that pooled out around us.
"Nick?" I asked.
He moaned in response, still in his coma-like state.
"You okay?"
He jerked the shirt off his face. I could feel those azure eyes lasering through me again.
"I'm fine. Why?" he answered quickly, paranoia lacing his speech.
"No reason," I replied, tossing an arm over my eyes as I dared to look out the windows. I propped myself up on my other arm, leaning into my elbow.
"Oh." And that's all he said as he laid back down. His fingers gazed the skin inside the crook of my arm. He traced invisible patterns there, his eyes squeezed shut. I watched him for a while before settling down on his chest. The tables turned and he wrapped his arms around me protectively.
"How did this happen, Nicky?"
He was quiet. "I dunno."
My turn to be silent.
"I don't really know anything," he added after a bit.
"Yeah. Not much. It doesn't matter though," I said to him, my voice sounding funny because my cheek was pressed fiercely to his baby skin. He smirked. That awful, twisted smirk. You know the one. I could even HEAR him smirk like that.
"I guess not," Nick whispered into my toussled hair, the wicked smile lingering on his words.
Reveling in our closeness, I stared absently into space. A glint of metal caught my eye. It was my wedding ring, on my left hand that rested so comfortably on his chest. I scowled intently at it, trying to comprehend it. Nick followed my gaze. I pulled the ring off and threw it to the corner of the room, hidden by shadows where it couldn't glare back up at me. I didn't love her. I didn't love Leighanne.
"Brian, what are we gonna do?" Nick asked in blameless way that let me know he was still a boy. I sighed and curled up, pushing back into his soft, inviting belly. We fit nicely.
"I dunno, Nicky. I do not know..."