THE LIFE WHEEL by Andrej Koymasky (C) 2008 written on October 1, 1991 translated by the author English text kindly revised by The Australian
USUAL DISCLAIMER
"THE LIFE WHEEL" is a gay story, with some parts containing graphic scenes of sex between males. So, if in your land, religion, family, opinion and so on this is not good for you, it will be better not to read this story. But if you really want, or because YOU don't care, or because you think you really want to read it, please be my welcomed guest.
CHAPTER 8 - Matteo 6 and Marco 6
Matteo
Happiness embodies it's self in someone that just has to be loved. To me, happiness is Marco.
What bought this about? Was it the fact that our love had grown over such a long time? Had it been the struggle of denial that had made this all the more intense? Had it been the absence of commitment that made the final surrender all the sweeter, stronger, more rewarding than any victory?
It was time to savor the effort.
Seeing Marco happy, so happy, and knowing that this happiness is nothing but my love. My acceptance of his love. All this made me feel as if I were a new, real, complete man full of joy.
Some mornings, I would teach at the school and he to attend his faculty lessons. When time permitted, we would spend all afternoon together. While I'm was preparing lessons or revising my students' home-work, Marco studied and prepared for his tests. He often helped me and I helped him and the fact that we were sharing our activities makes us even closer, more united.
It's a joy making love with him, but it's also a pleasure studying or working together, discussing, or just being near to each other. Everything between us becomes an expression of love. At times I look at him leaning on his books, absorbed, concentrating and feel lost in admiration. I could spend hours just looking at him. I could spend hours making love with him. This is what I call life's fullness.
When I explain something to one of my classes, I'm often aware that his observations, his thoughts have become integral part of my explanations, and then I feel he is there with me and in that moment, teaching with me. It is a wonderful feeling. It's no more just a case of me a giving a lesson, but it is us, together.
At times I ask myself "What do I like more about Marco"? The answer is really easy - everything. I like his intellect, the liveliness of his personality. I like his radiant smile. I like his patience and perseverance. I like his flawless complexion. I like his determination and self-assuredness and I like how he embraces me. I like his gentleness and tenderness, and the ardour and intensity of his kisses. I like his curiosity and desire to understand, and the way he makes love. The list goes on... I like the completed Marco. All of him. His body, mind and soul.
Is it possible that he doesn't have any faults? He has some, but they are never a burden to me but they just seem to make him all the more lovable. At times he is a little untidy, at times he is somewhat harsh in his judgements, and other times he is too hesitant. At times too yielding but these are just small shadows of no importance, that don't hide anything of his inner beauty, from his value. It simply makes him more human, more true. They are parts of him and I love him, regardless of these small imperfections.
I love him with my entire being, but yet I have the feeling I'm not loving him enough.
A few weeks ago Marco told me, "You know? At times I'm a little afraid."
"Afraid? Of what?"
"Of the intense happiness as we have. How long will it last? Will we become so used to it that we will no enjoy it, appreciate it, just get bored with it?"
"I don't think so. It will change, I agree - it will not always be as it is now. It already is different from the first days when we started making love. This doesn't mean it will be less beautiful, nor less valuable. It will be even more beautiful and valuable than ever.
"The first time we made love, I still hadn't seen your naked body. I felt emotion in the discovery. Then I gradually learned to discover more of your body. Now there is no discovery of your body; but it has been replaced by my pleasure of knowing it, of being able to close my eyes and see it perfectly. Now it's the knowing of how and where to touch you to give you pleasure.
"I don't think the discoveries of each other ever ends. No man is ever static. We are continually evolving. We evolve in the way we make love and the way we mature. It is becoming more and more beautiful. Possibly there will be no more enthusiasm at the novelty of it, but there is the awareness of sharing. I'm feeling more yours now. More now than on the first day."
"I don't think we will ever get bored of each other, as long as we love each other."
"As long as we will be able to go on adapting to each other, we will continue to become one being." Marco said.
"In order for two to become one, they have to want it minute after minute, day after day, year after year. Being one is not a point to reach, but a road that has to be travelled. That's why it never can be repetitive, monotonous, boring. It's never ending. No, I am not afraid by the future. My future is with you."
"You are right. Let's go on a journey, then!" Marco beamed.
There is one thing I was not used to. Something that I'm getting used to do with Marco - we often discuss also our physical relationship.
He said, "We talk openly about what makes music, about what in a literary text excites us both. We talk about what we liked or didn't like in a movie, a meal, or what we appreciate or don't appreciate in a monument. We talk about the feelings that a starry sky, or a sunset or a hurricane bring upon us. Why shouldn't we talk about one of the most important facets of our being human, that is about our love making? I want to know what you think, what you feel, what you like or dislike, what you desire, what you fantasizes about while we are making love. I want to give voice to all I feel and get to know all you are feeling. What effect my being in you is having on you. The feelings you experience when you are in me. What you feel when you kiss, touch me or are kissed or touched by me. To me, sharing all these feelings is important. It is as important as not having any form of modesty between us. I want our love to be as beautiful as it is open."
At first I had to overcome my reluctance (an induced reluctance, as Marco rightly says, not a natural one) to share all of me but I am succeeding in mastering my shyness and it is really beautiful being able to share all aspects of our life. It has the power of making us feel more and more like one. This is a way to make love, to show each other how much we love each other, by being completely nude in front of the other, not only physically. Sharing our physical nakedness is beautiful, but sharing our souls in all their nakedness is sublime. Not having the fear of telling everything to each other. How truly sublime.
By June, Marco passed three of his tests set for the first year and he got two 30/30 and one with honours and I was finishing up my year at school. We are making plans about our first vacations together. He already told his parents that this year he was going to spend his vacations with me. His parents, knowing he was gay, would have probably guessed something, even though up to now they make no aspersions and are always really kind me, at least for the few times we talked at the phone or met.
We meet Leo and Tony quite often. They are two enchanting boys. I can't say which of them I like the best. Physically, Tony is fascinating. He dresses and moves in a way that shows off his body. He is a really sensual boy. He's not a dandy or a narcissist. He just has a natural elegance, like the knowing swagger of the well honed athlete, or the robust assuredness of a well trained dancer.
I know better Leo, as he has been one of my students. I always liked his personality very much. What I think I like seeing the most, is how well they seem to fit together.
Something that really surprised me was learning that Tony had been abandoned when he was a little baby, and that he grew up in orphanages and institutions. He had his first sex experiences when he was just twelve with several of his companions at the orphanage. When he was fourteen, it was with one of the wardens. Before he met Leo, he started to hustle to earn some pocket money. He occasionally hustled when he was out of school hours.
He met Leo five years ago, when both were fifteen and half. One particular afternoon, Tony was doing his usual best to try and find a john in the park, when he saw Leo who in turn had just come from the gym and was looking for a sexual adventure. They at once felt attracted to each other. Leo drew him near and they clicked. They talked for some time, until both understood that the other was gay. Tony led him to an old house that was about to be demolished. Tony had often withdrawn to the house with his occasional client, as he had found a way to enter without being seen.
After they had sex, Tony confessed to Leo that he normally cruised the park to hustle, but he didn't want money from Leo but rather he proposed that if Leo chose to become his boyfriend, he would stop hustling.
Love at first sight! Leo accepted at once. He liked the thought having Tony as a boyfriend. After that first time, they both have been faithful to each other and they still seem like two fiancŽes in their honeymoon.
Tony told me that he really started to live, to have an aim in life and to be happy with Leo. After their first meeting, Tony asked him to be patient until they came of age, so that after they were legal they would go to live together. It was as it happened. It was Leo who encouraged Tony to enrol in the Academy, as he saw that his boyfriend was very good at drawing.
Tony ended his story saying, "Leo is to me father, mother, brother, friend... everything!"
"And here was I thinking that you were only my lover""
"Yes, of course, a lover before all else, but you give back life to me. You are my Father and Mother. You gave me an aim in life. You are my a brother and friend. You gave me your love. You are my beloved and my lover. You are everything to me. Don't you understand that?"
Leo took the conversation. "You have heard only Tony's side of the story. He didn't tell you what he gave me. I am an only child and a spoiled one at that. I am the son of rich parents that never gave me the time of day. When I was fourteen, I knew I was gay. I told it to my parents. I wanted to challenge them, hoping that something could shake them or pushed them to care for me. To make them aware of me! Never for a second did they react. Really modern parents, ah?
"Do you know what their reaction was? My mother said 'I just hope you won't bring home any weird people'. My father said 'Avoid a public scandal. Don't soil my good name. Your private life is your own business'. That was the end of it. That was all!
"When I told my Father that I had to met Tony, my father asked me what was his educational level and what was his social background. When I told them that Tony didn't come from a well-off family but was in fact a foundling, my mother turned up her nose. That was the end of it... again!
"From the first times we met, Tony surrounded me with his joyousness. He made me reflect upon reality. His life made him mature beyond his years. He taught me to fight and when to step back after evaluating the futility of fighting.
"He taught me to value also the life's smaller aspects. Tony has been my safety anchor that has rescued me from an empty and banal life. He warmed me with his superabundant love, making up for the love that my parents wouldn't give me. I owe him everything. He is the one that allowed me to be the real Leo. Not just a puppet with an empty heart! How could I not to be in love with him?!"
These were two splendidly matched boys who seem to have been created expressly for each other.
I am learning to appreciate them and to love them more!
I made Marco met Gino and Lorenzo, the only gay couple I have know for a long time. Gino is a stylist and Lorenzo an advertising agent and they met because of their work. Lorenzo, jokingly and in confidence, told me that if he weren't a real friend, he would have tried to steal Marco form me. He congratulated me and told me that my boyfriend, besides being really handsome, seems to him very smart and that it was evident to him that he is totally in love with me. I don't really need to get confirmation of it but being told such things gave me great pleasure.
Marco really liked Gino who is possibly the most likeable and sociable of them. Lorenzo is somewhat introverted and he needs some time to open with anyone he doesn't know. With time, one become aware that he is smart and a very likeable guy.
For our next vacations, Marco and I have decided we will tour Abruzzi and Molise, as Lorenzo and Gino had suggested. Neither of us have ever been to these regions. We could spend some time at the seaside, some time visiting museums and monuments, and also visit the mountain. We always booked a double room in all the hotels.
It will be good living together for a month or more. We will leave on July 20 and be back on August 18. He will stay at my home until the end of August, because he didn't tell his parents we would be back earlier. The reason why we are coming back to Turin earlier is that Arne and Kaj will come to visit us. They will stay at my home for about ten days. In fact, Kaj got two weeks leave and wants to come and get to know us.
I told Marco what happened between Arne and me and I was pleased to see that he was not even a bit jealous. I also explained to him that it had been Arne who gave me the final push towards him.
"I already like him!" Then he asked me, "Do you feel you would like having sex with him again?"
I looked at him in amazement. "Of course not! Now that I have you, I am no longer interested in anybody else. I don't need anybody else."
"If you told me you did, I would not have objected, but... honestly, I am glad you answered like that. I don't believe I will have sex with anybody else. You fill my life. You are giving me all I need and more. But I want you to feel free..."
"But are you feeling free?"
"Absolutely free. So much free so that I can say no to anybody. So free as to be able to give myself totally and only to you, my love."
Yes, only a really free person can totally give himself to another.
Arne asked me to send him our photograph and he sent us a picture with him and Kaj. It would be the so-called 'uniform fascination', but Kaj seems a really handsome young man. It seems that his promotion to officer is imminent, so they are already looking for their apartment.
And we two? I want Marco to come to live with me more and more. A few months ago I hinted at it, but he said he doesn't feel like asking his father for a monthly allowance, nor did he want to be a burden on my wallet. He said he would rather look for a work, but I told him I don't want him to slow down his studies because of me. We never talked about it again, but I am going on to continue thinking about it, as I now think I have found a possible solution.
Thanks to the excellent marks he got, he can apply for a university pre-salary. I am sure he would get it. I think there would still be a problem. Would he have the courage telling his parents that he is going to live with me? I know that if I asked him, he would do it. It's for this reason that I am hesitant to suggest it. If he has to take such a steep, it has to be because he feels the need to doing it, not just to make me happy.
I think that when we get back from our vacation, I will seek advice from Leo. He knows Marco very well and has a level head on his shoulders. Yes, from Leo and Tony.
For the moment we'll just start to enjoy the month and half's vacation.
Together day and night. It will be wonderful!
Marco
Matteo is wonderful. It seems almost incredible that I should have the luck to meet such a person. He is always ready to please me, he is careful and gentle. He never loses his patience. At times, when it seemed that some tension could grow between us over a small matter, he at once cools it down before it became a serious matter, just with a smile, a quip, and with his good nature. If I weren't already in love with him, I would find it very easy to do so. No, I should say, I fall in love again, every day. It could seem odd, but it really is so.
He made me meet a couple of his friends, Lorenzo and Gino. Lorenzo is almost thirty and Gino will be soon twenty-six. Lorenzo works in an advertising agency and Gino is fashion designer and works for Armani. They met three years ago when Armani called Lorenzo for a publicity campaign. They worked together for some months.
During their first few days together Lorenzo asked Gino, "How come your drawings only show women's clothing? We men are always neglected in the field of fashion. I don't think it's right."
"Armani has men's clothing!"
"Yes, but not you. Why?"
"It's a well known fact that we faggots like to dress the women and to undress men!"
Lorenzo was taken aback, "Are you serious?"
"Well... I'm serious about saying I'm gay. I prefer working on clothing for women. I think it comes from the wider range of cloth, models and colours. Anyway, it is also true that I prefer to undress men."
"Ah, I see. It could be as you say. But I didn't expect you declare it so lightly. Do you always tell people that you are gay?"
"I don't need to. Everybody already knows about me."
"I didn't know. I didn't think you were. You are not a queen."
"Well, now you know. Does it disturb you?"
"No, absolutely not."
"Oh, I see, you are an open minded and modern guy."
"No, it's just that I'm gay too."
"You? You gay? This is really good news!"
"Good? Why?"
"Good. Yes. I hope I can undress you, sooner or later."
Gino says that Lorenzo blushed like a schoolboy and changed the subject. After working had finished for the day, he invited him to have a drink together at the pub.
Once there, after a while, Gino said, "Thank you for the beer, but I hoped you would invite me at your place to show me the classical butterfly or stamps collection, as it usually happens when two... I like you, Lorenzo. I'm not used to saying this so abruptly to anyone, but... I really would like to undress you."
They quickly proceeded to Lorenzo's place. Some time later that lively spark Gino was reported to have said, "... he didn't show me his butterfly collection, just a wonderful and unique piece, a predator bird - his cock!"
At first it was something superficial, they both simply liked screwing with each other but gradually they became aware they were getting along very well with each other, so much that they were not able to live without each other.
Gino left his bed-sitter, Lorenzo his mini-flat and they both rented a nice apartment and started to live together. Exactly three years ago.
Lorenzo is perhaps the more handsome of them, but Gino is bursting with life and energy from every pore. Lorenzo is the quiet type but Matteo says that one just needs to get to know him better, to give him time to open up.
Their home is really beautiful. It's evident they don't have problems with money as it is well furnished and all in good taste. They are also very hospitable. You immediately feel at ease with them and are made comfortable and welcome in their place. I would like to visit them, sooner or later, with Tony and Leo.
Matteo is becoming very fond of them, especially after Tony told him his story. I think that Gino and Lorenzo would get along well with Leo and Tony. I really feel as if Leo and Tony were my brothers. I really love them. We were good friends with Leo during our school years, but it seems that now our friendship is strengthening, is maturing and it pleases me. I'm also glad that they are going well along with Matteo.
When we told Gino and Lorenzo that Matteo and I intend to go on vacation together, but that we hadn't yet decided where to go, they suggested we visit Abruzzi and Molise. They also gave us the addresses of hotels where they had stopped, and where nobody made weird faces at them when they asked for a double room. So we are now preparing for our journey. In August, Arne and his man Kaj, will come to visit us. Matteo had already explained to me, that Arne was the hitchhiker he met last summer, and that they had sex. I didn't feel jealous at all, because at that time Matteo was not yet my lover. I know that now I am the most important person in the world to him. When he asked me if I would agreed to have them stay here, I asked him if he wanted to have sex with Arne again. I was sure he would answer me that he didn't even think of that, but even if he said he would, I wouldn't have felt too bad. When he answered me a firm 'no!' (almost scandalized and offended by my question) I was pleased.
Arne is the same age as me. Matteo explained how it had been Arne who pushed him to send me those two postcards and told him that he should not forget me. This made me eager to meet him and to give him my thanks.
Matteo gradually told me about the boys, or men, he had before me. I'm pleased that he is telling me, because I feel that I'm getting so to know him better by sharing his past. I started to tell him about my past adventures as well. It is funny how, by telling about my past sex adventures to the person I love, my conscience seems to awaken and becoming better able to judge, whether good or bad, the things I did up until recently. I didn't particularly like nor dislike them. They are just history now.
I mean after all, I had lived those adventures, and recalled or narrated them to other people, without ever giving moral judgment upon them. On the contrary, now that I'm telling Matteo about them, his point of view comes instantly, clearly and in a concise way. I'm learning from his approach. When one loves, there is more truth, genuine feeling and a sense that our conscience is either sleeping or awake.
Isn't this really great?
Love makes us free. In fact it allows us to understand what is good and what isn't. Love makes us able to make real choices. When we have no ability, or possibility, of making a real choice, we are not free. Matteo and I are building our love and our freedom.
Yesterday I was telling Tony about Matteo and me. The more time passes, the more I feel the desire to live with Matteo, but to do so, I would have to manage somehow not to be a financial burden to him. Tony says this is just stupid pride. He is living with Leo, and their money comes from Leo's folks, but it seems to me that it is different for us. Leo's folks don't have money problems and their money is the only thing they seem to be able to give to Leo. However, they are building their life together starting from scratch.
I entered into Matteo's life when he was already settled. He gets his salary and to get it he has to work hard. The house already belongs to him. Tony keeps on telling me that my worries are just nonsense (or bullshit, as he really said) and that I am raising problems that don't really exist. His reasoning is simple (or simplistic?). Matteo would do anything for me, so why don't I let him do it? Then Tony added, "Doesn't loving each other mean sharing everything?"
Yes, he is right, but on a money level it would not be sharing everything, but for Matteo to give and for me to take... Is really a stupid pride that prevents me from accepting it, or is it a sense of fairness?
Tony countered that according to my sense of fairness, only two people earning exactly the same salary can live together. I answered him "No, it would be absurd". Then Tony asked me "Then where is the point of balance in the salary difference"? "How can anyone know that, least of all me"! I responded.
It would be useless to talk about it with Leo, because I know that he would say exactly what Tony says. Those two do always agree about everything!
Bof!
For the moment it would be better I just concentrated on preparing for my vacations with Matteo. I just want to enjoy the good days we will spend being together. It will be a kind of general test to our eventual life together, but do we really need a general test?
What a mess! I think that after the vacation I will talk to Mateo about the problem. After all he is the one I trust more than anybody else. Why? Because he really loves me, and he would not advise me to do something that will make me feel ill at ease or create problems.
CONTINUES IN CHAPTER 9
In my home page I've put some more of my stories. If someone wants to read them, the URL is
http://andrejkoymasky.com
If you want to send me feed-back, or desire to help revising my English translations, so that I can put on-line more of my stories in English please e-mail at
andrej@andrejkoymasky.com