THE LIFE WHEEL by Andrej Koymasky (C) 2008 written on October 1, 1991 translated by the author English text kindly revised by The Australian
USUAL DISCLAIMER
"THE LIFE WHEEL" is a gay story, with some parts containing graphic scenes of sex between males. So, if in your land, religion, family, opinion and so on this is not good for you, it will be better not to read this story. But if you really want, or because YOU don't care, or because you think you really want to read it, please be my welcomed guest.
CHAPTER 7 - Marco 5
Returning from vacation, I found two postcards in the mailbox from Matteo. On both of them was written "Thinking of you". Because I wasn't expecting them, they gave me a deal great pleasure. And... he was thinking of me! I thought of him all the time, but I didn't write to him. What was the meaning of those two postcards? It could be that it was just a sign of kindness, but the other thing I noticed was that he didn't write a banal "greetings" but "thinking of you". Therefore...
No, I could not disappoint myself, I could not to let my fantasy run on like this. I could not run after my dreams. I couldn't mistake my desires with reality. I should not!
I felt the desire to call Matteo. Several times I took the telephone while my folks was not home, but I never dialled his number. What could I have said him, besides " I am in love with you!" and I'm certain he would answer me "It is better that you forget me".
But then, if he really wanted me to forget him, why did he write me, twice, "thinking of you"?
The days were passing and I was not able to make my mind up. School had already started, so Matteo was certainly in town. Could I possibly send him a letter? Write and tell him what?
I went to the University to gather information for the enrolment, to get the forms, the list of the books, the regulations for the studies project. We were now in mid-October. After I had been to the University one day, I spent the afternoon just wandering downtown. I realized I was crossing the street where Matteo lived. I checked his address in my pocket diary and went down that street until I was in front of his house. I debated if I should go in and ring the door bell or not when somebody came out through the gate holding it open, thinking I had to go in. So I went in. I went up the staircase checking the names on the doors until I found the one with "Cordero" on it.
I remained a few moments there, in front of the door, hesitant about ringing the door-bell or going away. My heart was beating like a drum, in unison with another drum beating in my temples. I heard somebody opening the door on that landing, so I finally decided to ring the bell. After a while the door opened and... Matteo was there, before me, so very beautiful!
"Am I bothering you?" I asked, my heart in my mouth, but he smiled and told me to come in, and that he was glad to see me.
He was glad seeing me!
I told him I needed his help to sort out my studies project. He gestured for me go into the living room, we exchanged some trivialities. We were both uncomfortable. He offered me a coffee and we went to the kitchen. There, he told me he was feeling lonely. Was it a message?
To better understand, I asked, "Are you missing your mother?"
"No not any more now. I miss a companion."
I felt deeply moved and didn't know what else I could say. I would have said, " I'm here, do you want me?" but I wasn't able. We again exchanged some banalities then at last I dared to ask him, "Don't you receive visitors here?"
"Some friends... none really important to me."
My head was on fire. "I can become important for you, and I would like to". I kept saying to myself, and yet I was not able to utter a word so we both kept silent. Then, trying to find something to talk about, I asked if he wanted to show me the rest of his flat. When he showed me his bedroom I felt a thrill and got aroused, and felt like embracing him, be in his arms, but nothing happened. We both were so tense so I asked him if we could go again in his living room.
We started to discuss my studies project, the tests plan, then, I don't remember how it came, we talked about my old class and I asked him if he met any of my old mates.
"No, once the course is over, the boys quickly forget their teachers."
Then I finally managed to say, "I didn't forget you. I can't. Nothing changed for me, or, to tell the truth, something has changed. Before I was able to see you every day, and now I can't any more and I miss you!"
He answered, "I too miss you. I'm numbed not to see you when I enter your old classroom. That's why I am happy you came here, today."
"Can I then come again?"
"Sure."
"I was afraid that I might have been wrong coming here. You told me it was better that we didn't meet any more..."
"I have changed my mind. I am no more your teacher, so that problem does not exist." he said, then put his hand on mine and added, with such sweetness that I felt faint. "Do you understand what I'm trying to say?"
"I... I don't know. I... I'm afraid I might be wrong. I have misjudged you on other occasions. You for sure remember it..."
"I love you, Marco!"
BANG!!!
Like a rush to my temples, the blood running in my veins went crazy, my eyes seemed to glaze over and my body trembled as if I had a fever.
Barely able to utter any words, I finally managed to say, "I too love you! I wanted to tell you since I rang your doorbell but, like a moron, I didn't dare. I thought of you all Summer long and when you wrote to me saying you were thinking of me, and... and I love you, Matteo, and I need your love and to love you! What keeps us apart now?"
"Nothing. Nothing keeps us apart."
"Possibly my age? Do you think I'm too young for you?"
"No. They are only eight years separating us."
"And being together, they will seem less and less, wouldn't they?"
He nodded yes, stood up and embraced me. I didn't feel ashamed. He could feel how much I desired him. I was beyond happy. We kissed and I got a hard-on and felt him getting aroused. I was overcome with great desire and I wanted him to feel that I had become hard too. I wanted to feel his hard-on. This was all too wonderful, incredible and I was in his tight embrace...
I said, "I was afraid this would never happen, that this moment could never come."
He sweetly said, "You suffered because of me, didn't you?"
"It doesn't matter. It is over, now, and the suffering was worth it if it makes you understand that I was not infatuated with you, but I really love you."
He didn't answer me, he just guided me to his bed. I wasn't able to understand a thing other than the fact that I was feeling happy, exhilarated. I found myself naked on his bed, but how, I really don't know how. Naked with him, making love. It was so wonderful, incredible, and was something so different from all the sex I had until that day. It really was making love.
Afterwards I told him so, and also told him that now, finally, all my body was starting to get to know his body and that my body would never again be apart from him. He told me that now we will never ever apart, even if we were separated for a while.
We made love, and it was so beautiful that I felt as if time had ceased. Yet, when we dressed, it seemed as if just a few seconds had elapsed. What an odd feeling. When I said him goodbye, at the door, it was so difficult to leave him.
"When may I come again? Tomorrow afternoon"?
"Sure. I'll count the hours."
"Hours and minutes. I'm afraid that tomorrow morning at school I will be at less than my best while teaching, because I will do nothing but think of you."
That evening around ten I couldn't resist any more, so I called him. I needed to hear his voice again. My folks were around, so I had to be careful, but I managed to tell him that I love him and that I was already missing him.
The day after I went his place and at once started to make love, after we left our clothes in a trail from the door to the corridor, to his bed. I can't say I lack experience in the field of sex, but yet, making love with him, seemed to me something absolutely new and wonderful. It was as if I was making a discovery. As if he was saying to me, "Thank you for your love - Here is mine too!"
After we made love, I looked at him and noticed that he had a really beautiful body, all of it beautiful. It was just a sheer joy to look at it.
We talked for a long time, telling each other a thousand things while caressing each other. I went on admiring and savouring his nudity. I felt it was a gift he was giving me.
He then said, "Yesterday evening you said about the two us, that you wanted to surprise to Leo and Tony. What do you have in mind?"
"If you agree, why not invite them here one afternoon or an evening, while I am here, so we can tell them about our love?"
"Sure. What do you think about inviting them here for supper?"
"Yes. But when you invite them, don't tell them I will be here."
"Alright. Do you have their telephone number? I will try to call them now."
So he invited them and set the date for three days later. I told my folk I was going downtown, and would not be back home for the supper, as I was going to a pizzeria with some friends. On the afternoon of the appointed day, I helped Matteo to fix the meal and help dress the table. We also took a break, to make love, but at seven o'clock everything was ready. They came, and as they entered, they saw me.
Leo said, "Oh, Matteo, I'm really glad you invited also Marco. How are you Marco? What are you doing now?"
Matteo offered us all a welcoming drink, as we had agreed, said, "I am really happy to finally meet you Tony. I want to propose a toast in honour of Leo and Tony, wishing that they may always remain together..."
"Thank you, Matteo, that's really nice of you..." Leo started saying.
But Matteo interrupted him, "Yes, but on a condition. You and Tony have to toast something that is close to my hearty.
"Of course, willingly. What's the matter?"
"I would like you to toast Marco and me, so that we too can always be happy together."
Leo almost dropped the glass. He started stammering and while he was talking Matteo and I embraced and kissed. Leo became radiant.
"You means... that is... you and... you means that you too... that you two... Oh, my god, the world is falling apart!" His excitement knew no bounds and he literally started to jump and dance.
Leo was as excited about the news as Tony and said, "But now you have to tell me everything! This it's so incredible... so incredible... can this really be true! It's fantastic!"
We told them everything, in every detail. Leo and Tony, side by side and half embracing, were listening to us while we too embraced. When we ended telling them everything, we just talked about our love story. They wanted to know everything and were so happy for Matteo and me. Their joy was like a precious gift.
Leo was amazed because he always thought Matteo was straight.
"Having observed you for three years, discussing matters of importance with you, watching you all this time and never even suspecting! I can and do understand about my other mates, we three and yet, as Marco rightly pointed out, even though you never came out to us, it's true that you did not even hide it. Even when you were advocating gay rights, you didn't seem concerned in the least, it was more as if you were stating universal justice principles... you have been smart."
"No, Leo, Tony said. I don't think it was question of being smart. This is the first time I've meet Matteo, but it's as if I already knew him. You have talked so much about him. You see, if a gay person supports the gay cause only because it's of concern to him, that is on principle, nobody will really listen to him. But if his advocacy is held on universal principles and with some formal aloofness, his words have greater weight. I mean, if I am a black man and advocate the rights of black men as a priority, almost nobody, besides black men, will agree with him. But if it is a white man advocates the black cause, the whites will listen to him."
"But Matteo is Black". Leo said, laughing.
"Sure, but as he can pass for a white man, what would have been the sense of telling everybody he was a black man. They would not have listened". Tony insisted.
"Sorry, but as the Negro in cause is me, I'll try to explain. I never decided to hide my homosexuality. I have always thought that it was something pertaining to my private life and not concerning the others. What I'm trying to say is that, for instance, if one loves having sex in a bathtub, he doesn't need to tell everybody. He just does it. It is only his business. Of course, if he hears somebody say that whoever has sex in a bathtub is a pervert, he reacts. If he sees that somebody is trying to discriminated or persecuted against those that do likes doing it in a tub, he assumes a defensives position. If a law is made against those that do it in a tub, he fights to have that law changed."
"But in acting like that, wouldn't it be like declaring that he is one of those having sex in a tub?"
"The others can think so, why not. One time I was asked if I defended gay people just because I was gay too"?
"And then?" Tony asked.
"I told him that we were not discussing my sexuality. I told him that I might or not be gay and couldn't understand the reason for his question. Was he implying that only Jews have the right to defend other Jews or that only black people can defend other black people or if only those who already divorced can talk in favour of divorce?
I continued with my argument by asking him "You advocate abortion don't you! Does it make any sense to you if I asked you how many times you had an abortion? Everybody laughed, as that colleague was evidently a man. It suddenly dawned on him that asking me that question had nothing to do with the argument."
I said, "When I met Matteo at the gay disco, I promised him I would not tell anyone, but he told me I could do so if I thought something better would come of it. He didn't ask me to keep it a secret. I think that for we three, as we were just students, it was easier to make our choices and let it be known, but for a teacher, in our society and in these times, it would become a hell. You have just to read the newspaper. Do you remember that nursery school teacher who lost his job, don't you? The children parents didn't want him, they said they would never entrust their children to a child molester, even though he was just gay, not a child molester."
"But we have to fight against such kind of things!" Leo protested.
"There is certainly many fights to be fought, I agree," Matteo said, "and I have always fought. I didn't have any problem, for instance, in defending Stefano when I met his parents, or defending you three on occasions during the teachers meetings."
"We didn't know that. You defended Stefano's against his folks?"
"Yes, even though I'm afraid it has been of little use. His mother, on her first visit, when you still were in the first class, told me something like "With the misfortune of having a son like mine". I asked her if she loved him so little that she was unable to accept him as he is. I told her. " I can't understand you, Madam. Society has given him plenty of problems and you, instead of helping him, are just making more problems for him. Is Stefano harming anyone? A dishonest, a hypocritical or selfish son can be a misfortune, but the loss of love is indeed a misfortune". I don't think I could persuade her, unhappily, but I did my best. It is difficult enough to educate you boys, but how much more difficult it is trying to educate your parents!"
I was listening to Matteo and was happy to gradually discover his personality, learn to know him better, and I was pleased to see Leo and Tony absorb each of his words and nod in agreement with what he was saying.
It has been a wonderful evening.
Little by little I got to meet Matteo's friends and he in turn, mine. We were meeting every day. As my lesson at the faculty began, so did my visits become more frequent at Matteo's place to study so I could discuss the subjects I was studying and also use his extensive library to deepen my knowledge. At first I told my folks I was going to study with my University mates' home. But then I gradually started to tell them I was meeting Matteo. They were happy that he was helping me in my studies.
I was torn. On one hand I would have liked to have told my folk about my real relationship with Matteo, but on the other hand I somewhat feared their reaction, mainly against Matteo.
I sat three tests and got two 30/30 marks and a 30/30 and honours, mainly thanks to his advice and the discussions I had with him. Dad was really proud of me and Matteo was no less pleased. I was happy, not so much for the good marks but because I felt that each of my successes was a kind of present I was giving Matteo.
More than that, anyway, what pleases me more is the marvellous relationship with Matteo. I can feel we are building something sound, beautiful and valuable. Also Leo perceives that, he told me. He says it is really good seeing us together. I'm feeling happy!
The only one thing I miss is that I would like living with him and not having to come and go each day, but if I went to live with him, I would need to find a job or else to be kept by him. If I found a job, I would have less time to study and I would get lower grades at the University. Being kept by him would make me feel that I'm exploiting him and that didn't seem fair to me.
Leo says I'm just rising absurd problems, and that I have to simply discuss and decide with Matteo. But I know that Matteo would be prepared to sacrifice anything for me. For the time being, I think it's better going on as it is now.
It is a burden to leave. It is difficult to suffer the nights the nights without sleeping with him, watching him while he sleeps, not having the chance to wake him up with a good steaming coffee and a kiss, not being able to live exclusively for him.
My splendid Matteo!
He often talks with me about his students and at times I help him to revise their compositions and check their tests. This, besides allowing me to share his work, is making my understand grow.....about many new things.
In my free time, I started writing. At times we go together to the theatre, to a concert, to a movie or to dance together. Some week-ends we go for a trip in his car. The more things we share, the more we learn about each other, and grew closer.
I became aware that I was changing all my thinking patterns, mainly about one point. I was thinking less terms of "I" and more in term of "us". He does too.
How distant the time seems when I was looking at him from behind my school desk and was fantasizing about fucking with him, that hunk Prof, the forbidden and unreachable fruit. How distant is the time when I was starting to become aware that I was falling for him. Yes, in the beginning it was just a crush, just an infatuation but then it gradually grew to became love. Now we are building true love, day after day, little by little.
I feel that I'm rapidly maturing, thanks to my love for him, and his love for me.
CONTINUES IN CHAPTER 8
In my home page I've put some more of my stories. If someone wants to read them, the URL is
http://andrejkoymasky.com
If you want to send me feed-back, or desire to help revising my English translations, so that I can put on-line more of my stories in English please e-mail at
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