THE LIFE WHEEL by Andrej Koymasky (C) 2008 written on October 1, 1991 translated by the author English text kindly revised by The Australian
USUAL DISCLAIMER
"THE LIFE WHEEL" is a gay story, with some parts containing graphic scenes of sex between males. So, if in your land, religion, family, opinion and so on this is not good for you, it will be better not to read this story. But if you really want, or because YOU don't care, or because you think you really want to read it, please be my welcomed guest.
CHAPTER 4 - Marco 2 and Matteo 3
Marco
We had started into the second year. All three of us. Stefano, Leo and I. It was good being together again and telling each other of our summer adventures. I am happy that Matteo is with us again. I'm happy that he has had his position re-confirmed.
At the end of school last year, we are calling him by his first name, something that very few of our Profs would allow and this showed, once again, how much of a nice fellow he is, in all his ways. I mean also physically nice... I really like him a lot.
I didn't meet any more 'Elio's'. In fact during the break, I went to a gay nudist camp. There were too many "aunts" for my taste, and also some
transvestites by the way, but luckily, there was also some likeable and very enjoyable people.
I didn't find anyone "serious", but I had many adventures, I have to admit. One episode was with two Germans, Hans and Kurt, an open couple. It had been a rather enjoyable experience doing a threesome with them. I think I prefer doing it one on one though. There was a superabundance of cocks exposed to the air and the sun. Small, big, huge, long or short, straight or bent, soft, half erect or majestically hard and towering; shy, winking or cheeky.
My folks of course, had no idea that I went there, they just know I went to a sea-side camping in the south. We never talked again about my being gay.
Leo of course went with Tony. They spent the vacations in a camp in Sardinia, a evocative place, rough and wild and they seemed to enjoy it a lot, even though they didn't interact with the locals or with other tourists. They shot plenty of beautiful pictures. On the contrary I didn't take any picture on my camping trip.
Stefano went to the sea-side with his family, poor thing. He managed to do something with the boy at the drinks kiosk and with a nurse at the local hospital. He wound up with his share of amusement. Also Stefano has some pictures, including a few with those two boys. The boy at the kiosk, judging from the pictures and from how Stefano describes him, was really a hunk, a heartthrob worth a cover of a gay magazine.
We had just resumed school when, in November Matteo's mother died. Almost all of us went to the funerals, and not only to skip the lessons.
We were really keen to be near him in then. It was the right thing to do, to go to the funeral, I mean. Seeing him with his eyes reddened, so dejected, even though he tried not to show it too much, I felt a strong desire to embrace him and to console him. I mean, after that morning's ceremony, I've understood how much I like Matteo. I mean physically, as well as his personality and the way he teaches us.
In short, I became aware that I am gradually getting a terrible crush on him. Without me telling him anything, Leo noticed it and told me to beware, because I can find myself in a dangerous situation. According to him, Matteo is absolutely straight and even if he accepts us, because he is a fair and good person, modern and open-minded, it doesn't mean he is physically interested in us. He is possibly right but, how does the saying go? It's one thing what your reason says and another what your heart says.
When Matteo came back to school, I really admired him for the way he has been able to react to the loss. That idiot of Roberto is always so nosy!
He talked to Matteo about his mother's death and I could have scratched his eyes out! I mean, he told Matteo that he'd read his mother's obituary and discovered that Matteo was a Count. Matteo answered that his folks held the titles at the time of the kings, but that nowadays it is idiotic to call somebody a Count, and he added that if someone called him "Count", he would feel just as odd about it as if he called one of us squire.
Matteo is really great. I felt I loved him even more than before, or perhaps just more attracted than before. At times it's difficult to understand if what you feel for a person is a physical thing, or a deeper emotion. But possibly these two things reinforce each other.
It's possible that Matteo became aware that I like him, because even though he didn't really change with me, I feel he is trying to keep some distance from me. I mean, that's difficult to explain it. He treats me normally as he always does, like all the other mates, and yet I've the impression he avoids being near me. He possibly understood that I like him and he doesn't want to give me rope. It could be his way to tell me "forget it". Who knows? I can say that it's enough for me to see him, or at time just to think of him, that inside me, everything seems mixed up and quite often I get a hard-on thinking of him. I can't help it!
At times I have thought I had to honestly tell him what I was feeling for him, but I never summoned the nerve to do it. Moreover, what exactly was what I was feeling for him? I was feeling rather confused. Was it just desire to fuck with Matteo, or the hope that something really serious, something fulfilling could start? Or possibly half and half? Honestly, I was feeling confusion.
For a while I tried to react using the technique of 'one pain drives out another'. So I started to go more frequently to the gay bar or disco, to the Arci-gay meetings, hoping to hook somebody and so be able to find someone who can make me forget what I was feeling for Matteo.
One of the consequences has been that in April I studied less than usual, as I was spending lot more time away from home. So, one evening at the gay disco, I've met Paul, an English boy who teaches in a language school. He is twenty-five. We danced together, we chatted, in a mix of Italian and English, then he took me to his place and we fucked. It has been good, but I didn't stop thinking of Matteo... and telling him about Matteo.
He told me about when he was in high school and he had sex with his canoeing instructor. According to Paul, the man was the kind that would take one student after another to bed. It happened that one day, one of the students reported him. The instructor didn't just lose his job, but he was tried, convicted and went to jail. In England, homosexuality is still a crime. Paul told me that a teacher must never take the risk of having sex with one of his students.
I think, just the same, that if two people fit well together, if they both agree, all others, and even more so the law, should have nothing to do with it. I could understand there would be a problem if it was a teacher of middle school with a student who was barely an adolescent.
But if the student is already of age?
I just know that I am not able to erase Mateo from my head.
Terefore, I know it, I went too far (but who sets the limits?). Unwillingly, or to be more precise without any premeditation (I swear, mister Justice!) I... Well, it all happened like this:
One day Matteo came into the classroom with a big drawing to explain Dante's vision of the world to us. To look at that drawing while he was explaining it, we all gathered around his desk. We more than 'gathered'. We really crowded him. Those in the second or third rows were pushing, trying to see the drawing.
I was in the first row, exactly at the side of Matteo and I was pushed from behind, so that at a certain point my groin was unwillingly pushing against Matteo's shoulder and arm. Not on purpose of course, my dick grew hard like a rod of red-hot steel! Gosh, what a thrill I felt!
At first, as soon as I became aware, I tried in one way or another to push backwards, because I was aware that Matteo could feel my hard-on, but my good will lasted less than a second. I was enjoying the feeling of Matteo's arm against my hardened dick, so I stopped pushing backwards and immediately the contact happened again. My tool was darting inside my trousers like an eel gone crazy. Gosh, didn't I love that feeling!
In that moment I felt a kind of absurd happiness and I thought, "Can you feel how much I desire you, Matteo? Can you feel what you stir up in me"? I was understanding nothing else. It was as if all others didn't exist, as if only Matteo and I were there, but this incredible beatitude lasted less than the time it takes to draw a breath.
Matteo turned his head and looked in my eyes, astounded. I managed to pretend that nothing had happened, possibly in the hope of making him understand that I couldn't help it, and that it was done without malice. However, my brain was saying " You know I'm gay. You should not be surprised if you make me aroused, if I desire you, if this is happening".
He said nothing. He just stood up stepping aside, going on with the explanation. I thought he understood as he didn't get angry with me. He just interrupted that contact as if to say "you had better forget it". "I got the message", I thought, feeling rather disappointed, but not all that much, as I had the feeling it would end that way.
But during the break Matteo called me and said, "Don't you think you went too far, during the lesson? I understood you like me, you have made me aware of it in a very discreet way over the last months. I was sure I had been able to make you understand that I am not gay, that I'm not interested in men, and therefore not in you. I have never done any thing to make you believe otherwise I'm certain."
He was determined, direct, but he didn't seem mad with me. So, overcoming a first moment of panic, I explained to him that I didn't do it on purpose, that it just happened and I added that it is not my fault if I like him so much. Fucking hell, I really don't know where I got the guts to tell him so bluntly, but I also added that I get hard-ons just looking at him or even more so, just thinking of him.
He didn't get upset at all and told me, more or less, in a quiet tone, "Well, you had your try and you lost. But now stop it, if you want we to remain on good terms."
I asked him if he's now looking at me as if I were nothing more than a fucking faggot and he answered, "No, to me you are the same as always". I asked him what I had to do to be forgiven, and the cunning devil answered, "Just study some more."
I regarded him highly. Even more so now. I really want to study a lot more, just to make him understand how much I would like being respected by him. If this is what he wants from me, I'm ready to give it to him, even though it's a pity that he can't give me what I would really want from him, but his friendship, his esteem are something I care about a great deal.
Afterwards, I told everything to Leo and Stefano. I told them what had happened in the classroom, and about the talk that we had later.
The expression of their faces!
"You're a fuckingly lucky idiot! Are you aware that he could have given you a really bad time? You're totally fucked up? You could have been happy with just putting your hand on his basket and fingering it! Geez, you couldn't be more a turd for doing what you did!" Stefano yelled at me, really pissed off.
Then Leo piped "You've been lucky that even if Matteo is straight. he's a guy who really respects us. I can't understand you! Matteo is a heartthrob, a hunk, and he's really sexy, but as soon as you became aware of what was happening, you had better to go to the toilets in a hurry and calm yourself down by beating your meat! Good lord, how much of a dumb ass and idiot have you been Marco! Thank heavens that Matteo is a fair person. You have just been incredibly lucky."
Yes, I agree, I have been lucky. Yes, let's say I did a shitty thing. Yes, I promise I will be more careful not to do nothing that will upset Matteo. But now I'm feeling even more attracted to him. Fucking shit!
If I could, I would court him without leaving him any way of escape. Sure I would like putting my hand on his basket like Stefano said! I know well that I will not, could not, will not do it. But oh, how much would I like doing it! Seeing him naked, touching him, kissing him and telling him "Do with me what you want"! I would like to yell to him "I love you!" and seeing him with a smile while whispering his answer to me
" I too love you".
Am I in love with him? I'm afraid I really am. It was exactly this accident that made me aware that I had fallen in love with him. Now I have to love him in silence, and suffer. I have to try to make him happy without receiving anything in change. I have to swap a concupiscence love with a donation love, to use Matteo's words.
The only one way I can make him happy is to apply myself to my studies a lot more, as he urged me to do. At least he will look at me with his killer smile and will tell me "Very good, Marco, I'm proud of you... yes, very proud of you".
That's it! All but "One pain drives out another". I will have to live with it.
Why does one to fall in love with the forbidden fruit? Possibly because it is just forbidden?
Paul, (the pain driving out another) keeps telling me to forget it. He says that I feel attracted to Matteo only because he is straight. He says it happens to many gay people who are aroused just at the thought of fucking a straight man. I answered that he didn't understand shit. I couldn't care less about doing it with a straight man. I don't give a shit for any straight men.
First of all, I'm interested in gay men, not straight ones. I don't want to feel like the spare wheel, being just a diversion for someone to practice their escapism, to relieve their boredom once in a while. I want a guy feeling and loving like I do.
Second, I'm attracted to Matteo because he is... Matteo, and not because he is straight. All the contrary, if he were gay and not my teacher, I would be the happiest man in the world. I told him that, in the same way as I met Paul, just by chance, I would have liked to meet Matteo just like that. Just by chance.
Paul got very angry at my words. He took them badly and snapped back "Then to you, I'm just a fill-in because you can't have your teacher!"
I told him that wasn't the case, but it was half-hearted. I just didn't want to offend him. Anyway, things are not all that bad with Paul. Tomorrow evening we will meet and I'm not at all sorry about it. It is just that, to be honest, I always have Matteo in my head and in my heart. I can't help it!
When did I fell in love with Matteo? It seem to me I have always been, from the first day he entered our classroom, exactly one year and eight months ago, at the beginning of the first year in this senior high school. Possibly it is not so, and yet... he slowly entered in my blood, he gently entered my heart and now it seems as he has always been there. It seems odd that in my school none of the other students have fallen in love with him. Or is it that some of the others are just a little bit in love with him? How could it be possible not to love him?
He is skilled at lecturing, because everyone listens to him. He has sound ideals, firm beliefs, and yet he willingly coaxes open discussion from all of us. He doesn't have dogmas. He is open-minded, modern, he always does his utmost for everybody, he always has a nice smile that makes you feel important and welcome. Moreover... he is so handsome!
It's possible that in getting to know him better, intimately, one could even discover some faults in him. I can't exclude that. I would quietly accept his faults, if I could only get to know him in a more intimate way. Matteo Cordero della Rocca, literature teacher in a high school. Why can't you just be my Matteo? If the fairy tales can transform the frog into a prince, why can't my professor be transformed in my lover and the two of us live happily ever after?
Leo and Tony have decided that next year they are going to live together. It seems that Leo's parents are willing to pay their rent and to give them a kind of monthly allowance so that they can pay the university fees. I'm really glad for them. I would like to able to leave home too, but until I can find a job, it won't be possible. Dad's salary is not sufficient to pay for another apartment just for me, small as it would have to be. It would not be fair, and I would not accept it. Leo's Dad is rolling in it, so that's different. If I wind up going to the university, I will have to stay at home for many years to come. I'm not sure of it, but after I've finished this school I'll look for a job, or make the decision to keep on studying. I will possibly, when the time to decide comes, ask Matteo for advice.
Ask Matteo!
He always comes back into my thoughts. Fucking hell, what a crush I've got on him! Stefano says that I'm taking more care of my conduct, of my clothes. It's true, it's for Matteo. As I cannot court him, as I cannot make him again feel how much I desire him, I can at least do something about me which pleases him. If he can't like me physically, sexually, I can at least please him with all the rest. In time, I want him to get to say "Marco? Yes... one of my best students. A really clever one, and very likeable".
Am I deceiving myself? Yes, I'm possibly deceiving myself. He may not even be aware of why I'm doing it. That I'm doing my best to improve. If he becomes aware of the change in me, will he ever understand that I'm doing it only for him?
Never mind.
I looked for his number in the telephone directory. It is still at the name of his mother, anyway I've found it. What a desire I have to call him, to hear his voice. What should I say? I wouldn't know what to tell him, how to justify my call without making him mad at me. I decided not to call him.
I have found a picture of him in my year class photograph. I will take it to a photographer and ask him to enlarge it. Just of his face mind you, so that I can carry it in my wallet.
I should try to avoid thinking of him, to forget him, to set my heart at peace, but I'm totally unable to forget him.
Why didn't they give us an ugly, cantankerous and old lady literature Prof. as we had in junior high school, or a grouchy, fat and bald Prof. like the one that does section D or perhaps a thin, angular and nasty one like that in section E? In short, any other Prof. who would not make me fell this crazy love.
It is not that one just decides to fall in love. It takes time, and one cannot decide to dis... fall out of love or how is that said! 'Dis-entangle'? Why did I have to fall in love for a straight man?
What bloody rotten luck!
Who knows what Matteo is doing in this moment? Is he going to bed? Is he watching the TV? Is he thinking about that faggot of a student of his that had the cheeky to try it on him? Does he even remember that, or was it to him nothing more than a trifling accident, already a lost memory, dead and buried?
Of course to him I'm just one of his many students, one on sixty or seventy... just a little more than a number. Marco Olivero of 2F? Oh, yes, third desk to the left in the first row. A good boy, even though somewhat weird. He could do better, if only he would study more. To tell the truth, I've got the impression that within the last few weeks he is devoting himself a little more to his studies. How is he for you?
Is he also improving in your discipline? What do you think of Luisa Mistretta? and about...
One of many, it's natural.
You, on the contrary Matteo, you are not one of many amongst my teachers, no, really, absolutely not. You are special to me.
I can't tell you. I can't make you aware of that. I can't write on the walls of the school with the red spray can, in big letters that "Marco loves Matteo!"
Matteo
I am not able to get Marco out of my mind. When I think I've succeeded, I realize he's still there, with his impudent erection pushing against me, and with his look of innocence.
At the pre-assignment of the term's marks, Gelmi, the teacher of Mathematics, said, "Olivero is rapidly improving in my discipline. It is as if something has unlocked that boy. He has started to seriously apply himself and this has resulted in usually high pass marks. He is now on a 7/10 mark. He follows my lessons, asks good questions... writes down notes. I'm really amazed!"
The Latin and Greek teacher, with his sour expression, said, "I have to agree! He is making remarkable progress in my class too. It's odd that the three boys that deserve the hughest censure in 2F, if not of all this school, areamongst the most serious about obtaining high results."
I intervened, rather upset. "Their sexual orientation should have nothing to do with our judgement about their value as students. We are not here to evaluate what they say they prefer to do in their beds, but only their degree of learning and maturity."
The lady Dean butted in with a sneer. "Schools, and mainly classical high schools, have to care for the global education of all the pupils, as well as the moral guidance. Anyway, it is not up to us to actively inquire about their vices. It is those same boys who make their sexuality an absurd rallying point. I can forgive a vice, but not the total lack of decency about it. Their attitude is highly immoral. They are absolutely corrupt boys... a real shame on our school."
The teacher of Religion, I should say, to my utmost surprise, intervened with his usual quiet and smiling expression, "Dear colleagues, it would be wise if we avoided judging our boys. It would also be wise if we were to discriminate between a sin and the person who commits it. If the first one has to be judged and condemned, then the second one has to be understood, loved and, if possible, redeemed."
"We are not talking about sins here reverend father. We are talking about vices that any and every society condemns. I am really amazed at such an acquiescence from a man of the church. You ought to be the first to point out to the public the shame these people bring to us and themselves. So obscene!" the Dean retorted with an embittered expression.
"Far from me, Madam the Dean, far from me! The times of the Holy Inquisition are happily over. I can certainly not approve of homosexuality, but even less, I could point out a person with an accusing finger because of his lifestyle - only our Lord can judge a conscience, not we human beings. Besides, we can not deny what good is in another human being, in one of our students, even though we are seemingly blinded by what we don't like in him. That Olivero too, he, like the other two boys, has several good points that we should not dismiss or fail to appreciate."
At that point the Philosophy teacher said, "As much as I can not condone homosexuality, I can't avoid giving a good mark for a student who studies seriously. In my class Olivero is improving so very much and as far his behaviour is concerned, even if he is always the same lively and merry boy, I find no reason to complain, all the contrary...".
The colleague of History of Arts chimed in saying, "I too noticed a clear improvement in Olivero, and not just on the studies level, but in general. He is taking more care about his countenance and his behaviour.
I would say that in about the last two months, that boy has undergone a very positive change. It is almost if something or someone is exerting a positive influence on him. It could possibly be his friend Leopoldo Gilardi, who is a very intelligent. Perhaps exceptional is not too strong a word."
We continued discussing the other students, but I was thinking, "Can this be the fruit of his promise to study seriously so that he can be 'forgiven' by me? Is he making all this effort just for me? I know that I asked him to stop trying to express to me what he says he feels for me, but like this? Improving himself? For me? Or because of me?
Now this Marco is overwhelmingly back in my thoughts! The idea that I will have him for another year fascinates and scare me at the same time. I have noticed him maturing, ripening quickly and he's becoming more of a man, more and more handsome, more desirable. He is blossoming, flowering or rather, developing in all of his aspects. If I met him in a gay disco, and if he was not one of my students, I think that I would try to hook him, court him and try to seduce him.
Piergiorgio has noticed that I'm talking more and more about Marco. He pulls my leg about it. He saw the picture of the 2F class on my desk and asked mewhich one was Marco. I showed him.
"He really looks a fine boy, at least judging from this picture. Did you notice that he is looking towards you? Do you think I could meet him? Why don't you find a way to introduce him to me?" he said with a smirk.
"Don't say that sort of bullshit!" I said, annoyed.
"Alright, alright, I was joking. Even so, I think I will have to start attending the Arci-gay meetings. You told me he is a member, didn't you?
Don't worry, if I met him I would never tell him that you and I are rather 'intimate'. I will not even tell him that I know you."
I possibly over-reacted, but the thought that Piergiorgio could look for him, meet him, and bed him really bothered me. Not because it was Piergiorgio. I have no problem knowing he has sex with other people, but for Marco!
It is senseless being jealous of Marco. His private life doesn't concern me, and he almost certainly has a boyfriend, that would be normal. But I still felt jealous.
What a mess!
It's a fact. Marco is improving on all levels. The thought that I can be the secret reason for that... well, it flatters me. Since the day of that accident, he has behaved perfectly towards me. He has started to dress in a more provocatively elegant way.
His rather tight trousers create an unforgettable imagine of his bursting virility. I have difficulties in not lingering upon it with stolen glances. Those stolen glances let me caress him, undress him in my mind's eye. More so now that he is wearing summer clothes. So thin, almost a second skin. I think that if I were his PE teacher I would have a heart attack each time he were before me in just his shorts and T-shirt, and even more so if I saw him in the showers or in the locker room when he changes his clothes.
Marco, Marco, why are you so attractive? I would have just to stretch out my hand and I could take you as if you were a ripe, sweet, juicy fruit. Knowing that you possibly desire nothing but that, makes it all the more difficult for me. Guessing that you are applying yourself so much more just for me, makes it all the more painful to resist you.
It would have better for me to have asked for another school. It would have been wiser, more prudent... but now it is too late. I should have thought of this earlier. One more school year together and then... Would I be able to forget you after that?
Why, Marco, why did you create that incident in the classroom when you made me feel your overwhelming desire and afterwards dared to tell me bluntly that you desire me! I can still feel your turgid member pressed against my shoulder, do you know that? You impressed it on me like a brand. It still gives me a sudden erection when I think of that incredible moment.
In less than one week the school year will be over. Then for about three months I will not see you any more. This will possibly help me calm down, give me the chance of eradicating you from my heart, but until that happens, what a fiendish desire I have for you.
Now that I have told you to stop, have you taken it upon yourself to directed your attention else where? Did you replace me in your thoughts, in your desires? Perhaps I am not the reason for the new devotion to your studies, for your new elegance and handsome demeanor. Could it be that you have a new lover?
Even at this moment, you can be in bed with him, all naked, and you are laughing with him about the crush you had on me. Why didn't I meet you elsewhere, and not in school? We could be together now, you and I, lost in a sweet embrace, united in a passionate and tender intimacy.
Yes, you are young, and yet your eighteen years don't scare me any more.
Rather, it makes you even more desirable to my eyes. A few months ago I would not have believed it possible that I could change so totally. If I were meeting any other handsome eighteen year old boy, I would appreciate his beauty on an aesthetic level, but I would not at all been attracted on a mental or physical level. I have always desired, looked for, wanted people at least of my own age, but I desire you now, and I want you with such intensity that it scares me.
I stopped attending gay premises because I feared meeting you. It would be honest of me to say that I am using Piergiorgio as your antidote.
More and more often while I am with Piergiorgio, I close my eyes and your image superposes it's self. It's your hands that caresses me, touches me, undresses me. It is your mouth that kisses me, and your member that is pushing against me, searching for me, throbbing for me. It's your small and firm buttocks that I hold between my hands.
Poor Piergiorgio, he doesn't know that. Poor Piergiorgio, how could he know that I am substituting you for him while making love, or perhaps he does know it and doesn't care...
Maybe that thought amuses him.
If I go on like this, I'm afraid that one day sooner or later, while making love to him, I will call him Marco.
Marco, my impossible love!
CONTINUES IN CHAPTER 5
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