THE LIFE WHEEL by Andrej Koymasky (C) 2008 written on October 1, 1991 translated by the author English text kindly revised by The Australian
USUAL DISCLAIMER
"THE LIFE WHEEL" is a gay story, with some parts containing graphic scenes of sex between males. So, if in your land, religion, family, opinion and so on this is not good for you, it will be better not to read this story. But if you really want, or because YOU don't care, or because you think you really want to read it, please be my welcomed guest.
CHAPTER 3 - Matteo 2
At times teaching makes me feel incredibly tired, but at times it also helps me to overcome difficult moments in my life.
In November, after coming home from school, I've found Mum sitting at the kitchen table, sleeping, her head leaning into an arm. I went to wake her up, but suddenly realized she was dead.
Just like that!
Surely she didn't even realize it. She left gently, on tiptoe, like she always lived.
I called the doctor for the death certificate, the priest for the blessing, my Mum's brother, the relatives on Dad's side, and the school to ask for some days off. I did all this feeling tranquil, and clearheaded.
When, as my uncle came, I finally burst in tears.
We buried her, and upon returning home, I found myself alone and lonely.
I was overcome with grief when I put all of Mum's things away.
What helped me overcome the grief was the fact that I had to resume my work at school, the fact that I didn't have the right to discharge my pain on my students.
Several of them came to the funeral service. They have been really sweet. They are the only one who helped me to overcome my depression.
For Christmas, all my three classes sent me their greeting at home, by mail. They weren't plain greeting cards but real letters written at several hands. They made me feel less lonely.
Franco wrote, "Even though in these holidays I'm with my family, my heart is there to keep you company."
Luisella wrote, "When snow melts and changes into water and vapour, we are no more able to see it, but it permeates the heart, the air and is always with us."
Stefano wrote, "It is possibly at Christmas time when one feels more sharply the loss of the one who loved you. Judging from the few times you told us about your mother, I've understood that you really loved each other. Don't be sad - a little love, possibly small compared to that of your Mother, comes to you from all your 2F."
There were many other beautiful sentences that I felt were coming from their heart. The fact that now almost all my students call me by name, makes me feel closer them even though some of my colleagues don't approve of it but as I explained to Madam Ferrero, it is not a case of asking your students for respect, you can only get respect if you love and respect them.
I had never asked them to call me by first name or surname. I let them call me whatever made them felt comfortable.
In January, when I resumed teaching, Roberto of the 2F asked me if he could ask me something personal.
"You can try." I said. "If I eventually judge it too much personal, I just will not answer you."
"When the newspaper appeared, the short article with your mother's obituary quoted that your Mother was 'Countess Matilde Cordero della Rocca'. Therefore you too are a Count."
"No, I am not a count. My father was a count."
"But if your father was a count, you too are one, as you told us, you are the sole son."
"My father has been a count up to 1946. After that, we became a Republic and all titles of nobility have lost any legal value. They are like a currency out of circulation, without a value. Therefore I am no more a count. The obituary on the newspaper had been written by her brother, I would not have written that old title before her name."
Then Marco comes out saying, "You then are a democratic person."
"No," I answered him, "it is not question of democracy. It is just question of historical realism - where there still exists a constitutional monarchy, one can be at once a count and a democratic person. The two things are not opposed. But here in Italy, today, we have a republic."
Rita chimed in and said, "And yet there are people who are very keen of their titles of nobility. Some people even buy them these days. What's the sense of that?"
"You should ask them. My father, who lived the better part of his years in the time of royalty, gave importance to his title and used it up to his death in 1968. Also my mother, even though she never talked about, was keen on all of that, but she accepted my view and never talked about it. After all of that, I can still understand them. A general in retirement or a retired professor are no more a general or a teacher, and yet very often they continue to like to be called general and professor. It is a small human weakness, absolutely harmless and, I think, worthy of forgiveness."
Then Margerita added, "And if you were called count, how would you feel?"
"Funny. As if I called you, for instance, mademoiselle or damsel... no, even funnier than that."
Renzo, at times, called me "Count Matteo" just to pull my leg. Yes, Renzo, after he came to know that my mother had died, he disappeared. Surely these two fact are not related, but it has been an odd coincidence. I missed him a little. Just in this period it would have been a help having a person near me giving me some affection, some warmth, also a physical attention.
I thought that the months that Renzo and I made love, the holidays spent together, were suppose to be the first step to build something. If not a real relationship, at last a good friendship, but he is the second to deserting me without a plausible reason, and even without any explanation. I evidently wasn't their "Lucia Mondella". So much the better. Perhaps. Was it Sandro who always said - who doesn't love me, doesn't deserve me?
In March I got the impression that Marco was getting a crush on me. Still nothing concrete, but his way of looking at me, something indefinable in his attitude... I told myself that it was possibly just my fantasy showing me things that don't really exist. And yet my impression was that he was starting to court me, even though in a very, very discrete way. For safety sake, anyway, even going on to treat him with the same gentleness he deserves, I started to keep some distance.
For a while I didn't think any more of it, also because in April I met Piergiorgio. He is a twenty-two years old boy, blond like ripe wheat and with incredible violet eyes. He works as a publicity designer. We met at a gay bar. I asked to the barman a telephone token but he didn't have any, Piergiorgo, who was sitting at the counter near me, gave it to me and he absolutely didn't want my two hundred liras.
Thus, after my telephone call, I offered him a drink and we chatted. That same evening I took him to my place and after a while, without any of us saying anything, we spontaneously made love. It was really agreeable, but I presumed it was nothing more than just an adventure without a follow up; but a couple of days later, called me. He saw the number on my phone and had memorized it.
He asked me if I was upset he had looked at my number and called me. I said no, I was rather happy, because we didn't exchange our addresses and I was afraid we could meet no more. So we made a date. We went to see a movie together and afterwards he came to my place again and we made a torrid night of it.
We are going on to meet quite often. It isn't a great love for either of us, but we seem to fit very well together. He somehow seems to fill the loneliness I'm feeling. He likes talking to me a lot. Then there is the sex. Ah the sex! We both enjoyed to the finest limit! He makes love in a very quiet way, very natural and is totally uninhibited.
At the end of April I went with the 3F on a school trip. We went to visit Venice. It has been a really beautiful trip, I bonded very well with my students, we laughed and joked a lot, mainly throughout the journey on the train, and in Venice we visited the most important museums and monuments. The students were literally drinking my explanations.
This year I took part in the trip only at the insistence of the dean, because there weren't enough voluntary teachers for the 3F class. But next year I will certainly be one of the volunteers. It is rather a pity that these trips are organized only for the last year of their schooling, as they are more than useful in getting to know each other more and to bond. It is also a responsibility, and it is tiring, that's certain, because for the entire six days, you are on duty every hour, but it is worth the effort.
So, between one thing and another, I was no more thinking about that very discreet courting I had sensed from Marco.
Come May, something happened...
I was in 2F explaining the scheme of the world, with hell and purgatory, according to Dante. I had brought with me a very large illustration. All the class was crowding around the desk on all four sides. They were leaning on me, on the desk, in double or triple rows to look at the illustration and to listen at my explanation.
At a certain point I felt, in a clear and unequivocally way, an erect member pushing against my left arm!
Really surprised I looked up. There, leaning like all his companions, but his groin pressed on my shoulder, there was Marco. Our eyes met and he sustained my glance in all innocence. However the pressure continued, strong and clear and it was his member I was feeling, hard, pulsating and of a good size.
It could not be possible that Marco was not aware of it, or rather, it was impossible he wasn't doing it on purpose. I stood up, going on with my explanation as if nothing happened, but moving far enough to stop that contact with Marco. But what really surprised me is the point that I also got a formidable erection. After a while I had them all sit down in their place.
When the lesson was over, I called Marco aside and told to him openly, "I didn't think it was really opportune thing what you did today. I already have the impression that you were interested in me and I thought that you should understand it is not reciprocated. You really passed the limit today."
I thought he would deny it, or be confounded but, with a smile tinged with an air of "captatio benevolentiae", as to soothe me, he said, "I didn't really do it on purpose Matteo, I swear. It's just that it awoke just while I was there listening to you and... well, I didn't step back, that's true; but it's not my fault that you are a handsome man, and I like men. That's true too. I like you and I get aroused just looking at you, just being near you. Does that offend you? Do you blame me?"
"No, I'm not apportioning blame at all. But you must realise that you can't blame me for not being interested in having the kind of affair you desire. You are a really likeable boy, intelligent, and clever. Even if you could apply yourself to the studies some more, you are a boy endowed with.... - don't do that sly smile... you know I didn't mean in 'that' sense - I snapped at him mid sentence - even though you did your best to make me aware of it. If you continue with your attitude... I'm afraid you will force me to treat you in a brisk and dismissive manner. Is it what you want from me?"
"No, of course not. And now, god knows what you are thinking of me... that I'm a pervert?"
"No, nothing is different. I can even tell you that I understand you, and that if you hadn't tried with me, you would never be sure about my response, but now you know it. I hope my attitude has not given you false hopes. If that happens to be the case, I really regret it. Anyway for me, this 'accident' is as if it never occurred. Do you agree?"
"It's me that made the mistake, not you. Can you forgive me?"
"There is noting to forgive, Marco, but... um... what if you tried to study some more?"
"I will try, Prof!" Marco answered, turning to me with a mischievous smile on his face.
I felt sorry for him. I regretted I could not tell him that I liked him. Nor could I tell him that I was gay either. I felt sad that I could not confess to him that his evocative actions had the power to arouse me.
I could not do otherwise.
First of all, because he is one of my students, and secondly because he still is a minor, even though, short by a few months. In my opinion a teacher should never be the lover of one of his students, be it a boy or a girl, because all the educational relationships would be altered, turned on their head, but I think that Marco would not have understood this point.
The fact upset me, possibly because I didn't expect him to execute such a daring move, but more importantly because I didn't expect my physical reaction. It happened about ten days ago but it is as if I could still feel that pulsating pressure against my arm, and this reaction happens every time I meet him. Every time I look at him.
The problem is that, to be sincere with myself, I enjoyed that contact. I'm trying to guess if Marco did tell Leo and Stefano about the incident. I don't think he did, because it doesn't seem to have changed their attitude towards me.
I talked to Piergiorgio about it and that crazy boy told me that if he were in my shoes, he would have bedded Marco without a second thought.
"That boy doesn't want anything but that! He is sufficiently grown up to know what he wants, isn't that a fact? He made it abundantly clear to you! It's also very evident that you like that boy. He has aroused you in the past and he can still do it to you now, just by you think about him!"
"But he is just a kid and what's more, he is one of my pupils."
"He is attending his last year, so he is 18 or just short of it. There is no difference. You told me he is a gay activist, even a member of the Arci-gay. You like him. It's evident by the way you talk about him and how you got aroused just feeling his hard rod against your shoulder. So, then, why not just bed him and... I'm here at the time, we can have a nice threesome...?"
I tried to explain to him the problem I imagined with the educational situation, but he kept on pulling my leg. He did it kind-heartedly, but he did it. Then he made me feel his hard-on against my arm and urged his ardour upon me with little kisses hoping to arouse me. I could not resist. We made love.
I like Piergiorgio a great deal, and he is so well endowed, just as that smart fellow Marco had thought.
No, it would not be right if I took Marco in my bed, despite the fact that he is still young and I feel so attracted to him. I like him in the physical sense as well as his personality. An educator has to be severe with his pupils sometimes. A lover cannot be severe with his beloved one. Or at least, I wouldn't be able to be severe with my boyfriend.
All that aside, and without considering the disciplinary consequences if such a thing came to be known, Marco could, even without malice, be tempted to take advantage of the situation. How would I be able to give him a bad mark, if he deserves it, without doing harm to him and to myself? How could I give him an oral test without being impartial or not being able to tell him the subject of next test?
No, two lovers have to be two people at the same level, a teacher and a student have to retain their educational relationship, and should never split the levels. To do otherwise would be an inconsistency. If he attended a different high school I would probably accept trying to have a physical relationship with him, in spite of him being so youth.
I have to admit it, I get excited just thinking of him.
It seems a bit odd to me that a clever boy like Piergiorgio doesn't understand this situation, unless he was just joking and trying to take me for a ride or to embarrass me.
I saw Leo today. He was with a boy more or less of his same age. They were crossing at the zebra lines just in front of me. I was in my car and Leo didn't notice me. They were walking hand in hand and it's clear that the boy is his boyfriend. I felt a great tenderness for them. His boyfriend has a dancer's gait about him. He is sinuous, elegant, has graceful movements without being overt at all. They were talking and looking at each other with wonderful smiles. They were the perfect image of two splendid young sweethearts in love.
For what I have gleaned, it seems that Leo's parents know about his boyfriend and that they don't have a problems with it. I never met his father. His mother comes once every term to the Parents and Teachers meeting. She is very aloof and I don't really like her all that much.
Leo is really good at school and always gets high marks. Each time his mother asks me " How is my son going. Does he study?" How can she be so unaware? There are times when I feel tempted to answer "no, he has plenty of bad marks!" just to see her overly painted face dissolve into pallor for a moment. Leo is a really good and clever boy and I'm tempted to ask myself how he can have such an absurd mother.
Marco's parents are simple, unpretentious, modest people but I like them a lot more that the others. I have met his father a couple of times, his mother more frequently. His father is really a handsome man, lean, strong, tall, sexy, with very lively, deep eyes. Marco took all his physical attributes. I think that if Marco's father was gay, I would court him and would go to bed with him more than willingly. He could be in his forties. The two times that we have met, I literally undressed him with my eyes, to fulfill my fantasy.
If, in growing up, Marco becomes even more like his father, he will always have a flock of admirers and he would just have the embarrass de choix, he will be spoiled for choice.
His mother, on the contrary, is rather insignificant. Tall and thin but shabby and insecure. Who knows why such a remarkable man married with such a wishy-washy woman? Mysteries of sexual chemistry!
The parents! As much as I like being with the boys in the classroom, there so much I don't like about their parents.
Of course there are exceptions. Laura's mother, for instance. She is a splendid and intelligent woman and had an agreeable personality. Gianni's father is one of the persons with whom it is really easy to engage. Mara's parents are open-minded, intelligent and really good parents. Unfortunately, they are a minority in a tide of absurd fathers and mothers.
Piergiorgio should be here shortly. Happily, I've already finished correcting all of the last tests, so now, I can devote myself totally to him. I will wait for him wearing only my dressing-gown, as I know he likes it. I will look at him while he undresses, then comes to me filled with desire, kisses me on the neck while slipping his hands under my dressing-gown.
I will feel him shudder with desire for me and his desire will drive me to the point of near maddening lust.
It is also good knowing that Marco desires me. Possibly because it is an impossible, forbidden love.
If I had to make a choice between Piergiorgio and Marco... who knows?
I have to be careful. I'm thinking too often of Marco. It could become dangerous. I have to retain my defences!
However,I would like to feeling his erection searching for me again. I would like to hold it in my hand. I would like undressing him with exhausting slowness then let him undress me, perhaps even there in the classroom, between the desk and the blackboard and unite with him, regardless of the fact that all the class is fully attended and looking at us!
Oh my god! These are really morbid thoughts. Dangerous fantasies I have to put aside . Absurd thoughts...
But such beautiful ones!
CONTINUES IN CHAPTER 3
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