THE LIFE WHEEL by Andrej Koymasky (C) 2008 written on October 1, 1991 translated by the author English text kindly revised by The Australian
USUAL DISCLAIMER
"THE LIFE WHEEL" is a gay story, with some parts containing graphic scenes of sex between males. So, if in your land, religion, family, opinion and so on this is not good for you, it will be better not to read this story. But if you really want, or because YOU don't care, or because you think you really want to read it, please be my welcomed guest.
CHAPTER 15 - Luca 5
Marco is our teacher! All my class is happy with that, or rather all three of Marco's classes. But I am more than happy. I can say that all the summer long I did nothing but ask myself if we would have him again with us, if I could see him again. According what he told us, he's got a good chance of being with us in the third year too!
Seeing him again, not only give me only the pleasure of having a smart Prof. It gave me another emotion. I've thought that he's even more beautiful than I remembered him. Looking at him, hearing his voice, even lighting up at his smile, gives me pleasure.
I'm aware that I wait for his lessons with anticipation, almost with anxiety. I like observing him while he explains while walking amongst our desks, waiting for him to pass near me, and look at me, smile at me. I like him, or rather even more than like him. I'm fond of him.
In the beginning I was confusing my feelings with admiration, liking as I said, esteem. The fact that I thought he is handsome seemed to me a purely objective, aesthetic fact. But then I gradually became aware that something different, more complex and deep was growing inside me. For several months I've not been able to give a name to this something.
When I happened meeting Leo at the central Arci-gay, I did nothing but talking to him about Marco. He just listened and nodded.
There is another fact that at first I've not been able to put in relation with what was ripening inside me. Already during last summer, then also in the first months of this year lesson, I didn't any more look for adventures, I didn't any more accept the proposals of boys or men trying to drag me. I was not interested in them, I didn't feel the need for them. And yet, I was not able to interpreter, to understand this fact.
I was feeling well, I was serene, quiet, merry and that was enough.
All this situation went on up to April, that is exactly when we went on a school trip to Perugia. We went there in a tourist bus, because of the hardship of the train connections. During the journey to reach Perugia, at one point Gigi challenged Marco to put together in the right way the pieces of one of those wooden interlocking games, one of the puzzles he always carries with him. Several of us gathered near Marco's seat to see if he managed and in what time. I was standing in the corridor between the seats, very close to him. More classmates came and leaned against me to se better. They so pushed me forward, against Marco's seat.
At a certain point I felt like a warmth exactly at the height of my trousers fly - I was pressed against the right arm of Marco. As soon as I became aware of that contact, I got a hard-on and felt that my tool was pressing against him. Being aware and trying to step back was all the same, but I couldn't manage doing it fast enough because those on my back were pushing. Marco looked at me amazed. I felt like dying! I felt I became red as a tomato, my ears were burning, my heart was beating like going crazy so that I could hear its noise in my temples like a bass drum.
When I finally managed to move from there I went to sit on the opposite row, in the back, where there were two free seats, going near the window and looking outside to hide my shame.
What is thinking Marco of me? I was asking myself, scared. That I'm an ill-bred boy, a cheeky boy... a real pig! He will be fucking mad at me. He said nothing, he pretended nothing happened not to rise a scandal, but... What can I do now? I have possibly to go and ask him to forgive me, but who has the guts to do it? I wouldn't even dare looking in his eyes, go figure if I will be able to utter a word! I can write him a letter with my apologies? No... It could be better I talk about it with Leo as soon as we are back and I can ask him to talk for me with Marco... But what about all these days of the trip? I can try to avoid him... I can possibly stay in bed and say I feel ill... No, he then would came to see me, and...
I was feeling ill. I was trembling. I was feeling a huge mess in my head. And in all that mess, little by little a thought opened his way in my head, a thought that made me feel even worst. How could I have spoiled so badly my relation with Marco... with "my" Marco? I would not stand if he wouldn't look any more at me, if he avoided me. I need his smile, his liking. His friendship. I need Marco. I... I'm in... LOVE WITH MARCO!
As I thought these words, I felt like a shock, like a lightning that leaved me stone dead. I became aware I was in love with Marco exactly in the same moment I was losing him forever. Tears started to flow down so to hide them I pretended to be asleep, my head on my crossed arms.
When we got to Perugia, after I settled my things in my room, to avoid talking with my mates I hurriedly went down to the hotel garden and went to the most far away corner where was a belvedere on the town landscape. Inside my head just three sentences were spinning like a toy windmill - I love him, I've lost him, what can I do? Nothing else.
I was there for a few minutes (it could have been hours or centuries) when I heard his voice at my back (I didn't even hear him coming, so much I was lost in the spinning of those three thoughts!)
He said, "So, then, Luca, can we talk about it?"
I turned, my hearth in my mouth, so troubled, and with difficulty but all in a breath I said, "Forgive me, please. Don't think ill of me, I didn't want to do it, I swear."
He smiled - he didn't seem mad at me - and said, "You didn't? Then explain me..."
I then explained him how it happened, how I wouldn't have dome it, how I wanted to step back before he became aware but hadn't be able to. And I was looking in his eyes begging him, inside myself, he would believe me.
Without losing his gentle smile, he nodded and told me he believed me. Got, thank you, I thought.
Then he added, "Explain me - just that contact made you aroused so much? I didn't think I'm so much... arousing."
Without even reflecting, I then said him, "It is because... because I like you to die for, Marco."
He, always quietly, then said, "Do you mean that you desired to screw with me?"
"No, I mean, yes, but... not just to screw... I mean... If I met you just by chance, I would have tried to drag you..." and I again felt I was blushing up to the tip of my hair.
He looked at me, nodded again and said, "If we met by chance it could have been possibly me the one trying to drag you..."
I looked at him bewildered. I was feeling my eyes start out of my head, all I would have expected from him but he said me such a thing. I started to stammer.
"Wha... what? Ho... how? Do you sa... say it... se... seriously?"
"Of course, Luca, I'm really serious. But, you see, even thought this is the truth, I'm sure that between a teacher and one of his students there should absolutely not be any sex, and neither love..."
I then remembered what Leo told me about Marco and Matteo, so I told him.
He then said, with a sad smile, "Did you know that also to me happened with Marco the same thing that happened to you and me this morning in the bus? Did Leo tell it to you?"
"No... It really happened?"
"Yes, it did. But when Matteo looked at me, I didn't became all red as you did."
"I felt like dieing, I swear!"
"I understood it. Good. But now I would like to make totally clear what happened this morning, and afterwards to never again talk about it. Alright?" he asked.
He then told me that as he felt my hard-on, and saw it was me, at once he too got a hard-on, because he likes me a lot, both my body and my character. Then he asked me what made us get that hard-on, as he thought there were two possibilities - it could just have been we fantasized having sex with each other because we like each other's body, or else it could have been the clue that between us was starting something serious.
So, Marco told me, if it was caused by the desire of having sex, as we cannot, we have to get rid of it and, how they say, to remain good friends. But if on the contrary it was something serious, we have to wait until I've got my graduation diploma and, if still that sentiment is there, we could talk again about it. Anyway at present, until my final exams, there is nothing to do, in both cases.
I had just understood that mine was not just hope to fuck, but real love, so I said, "But if it really were love, after my graduation would you be game trying to have me as your boyfriend?"
He immediately answered, "Of course, Luca, without any doubt."
I felt terribly happy, I felt in the seventh heaven of delight, so I told him, "I have never been in love before, but I really think that this time it's love. And just the thought I can become your boyfriend makes me feel mad with joy."
"Yes, you could be right, who knows. I too believe that inside me something alike is growing for you."
"So then, at the end of next school year, you and I..."
"It could be, Luca. But do you understand that along all these months before your graduation we have to not even talk about it? Did you understand that up to that day I am only your teacher and you one of my students and nothing else? That if you deserve a bad mark or to be scolded, I have to do it as I would with any of your mates?"
I was feeling so well! Of course I understood he was right and that didn't worry me at all.
"Of course, but you will also give me good mark or make me a compliment when I deserve them, wouldn't you? I mean, not just because it is me, but because I deserve them, wouldn't you?"
"Right so. But it will not be easy for any of us, can you understand this?"
"Of course I understand it."
"Doesn't that scare you?"
"No, because I really care a lot about you. I think I will succeed, and if I don't you put me at my place as I deserve."
"I too could not be able to be at my place. I too am made of blood and flesh. If it were me to not behave?"
"I then hope to be able to put you at your place. I hope that if we really love each other we will be able to avoid such dangers and we will be able to help each other not to fuck up things. But... my god, how happy I am!"
The trip to Perugia has been wonderful and up to now it hasn't been difficult to behave as Marco asked me to. This, because I really love him and I want him to be happy with me, and I don't want to arise problems to him. Of course, I've to be careful not to stare too much at him, not to smile to him like an idiot, not to be always close to him... but I don't want either avoid him out of fear of making mistakes. Inside me I can feel my love for him grow, grow, grow...
At times, I admit it, I ask myself, "Does he love me, or he just wanted sex with me? And did he already forget me?" I can't have an answer and I can't ask him, because doing so I would beak our agreement. But in Perugia he told me that he felt that there was love also on his side... Well I cannot do anything but wait and hope.
But then, when I met Leo, I felt I had to tell him everything that happened in Perugia.
He angelically said, "Marco already told me about it. I was anyway waiting for such a thing for some time. I got the feeling that between both of you was starting something beautiful, even before you two became aware."
Then, with my heart I my mouth, I asked him, "But do you think that Marco is really in love with me? And that he will still be in love with me when I finally wouldn't be any more one of his students?"
"When Marco told me about Perugia, he told me he really thinks he was falling in love with you and that he was happy with that. As I know Marco very well, I know he doesn't make light of his words. Marco knew real love with Matteo, then he knows very well what love means. Anyway you can't but go on hoping. But I prevent you, you cannot come to see me from time to time to ask me if Marco still loves you or not. I can't tell you if Marco made me his confidences and what he confided me, do you understand? It wouldn't be fair towards him. A friend's confidences have to remain a secret."
"You are right, of course. But I will never again ask you anything about Marco. I can anyway just tell you what I feel for him or ask you your advice, can't I?
"Sure. I'm your friend, never forget it."
So, this is what happened a little before the end of last school year that is in June.
At the beginning of summer vacations, I have not been able to avoid doing something that... but I don't think it would make him mad at me. I sent him a postcard at the school, not at his home because I didn't want to take it as a too personal thing, and on the postcard I just wrote, "just eleven months to my graduation". I just wanted him to understand that I hadn't changed my mind.
When the school started again, he generically thanked all of us who sent him postcards during the vacations. The fact that he said nothing about my card made me understand that I didn't do wrong... and also that he therefore thinks of me.
Just three months are now missing to my graduation tests - there very long months, about ninety days, that is two thousand a hundred and sixty hours, that is tantamount to an eternity... that will elapse fast.
Wait for me, Marco, my love!
THE END
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