THE LIFE WHEEL by Andrej Koymasky (C) 2008 written on October 1, 1991 translated by the author English text kindly revised by The Australian
USUAL DISCLAIMER
"THE LIFE WHEEL" is a gay story, with some parts containing graphic scenes of sex between males. So, if in your land, religion, family, opinion and so on this is not good for you, it will be better not to read this story. But if you really want, or because YOU don't care, or because you think you really want to read it, please be my welcomed guest.
CHAPTER 14 - Marco 10
During my summer vacations I went to see Stefano. I got a warm welcome from everybody, as I expected. I had only been with them for a few days, when Kurt asked Stefano to run an errand for his somewhere. As soon as my friend left the villa in the car, Kurt asked me to have a talk.
"Marco, you and Stefano are close friends, aren't you?"
"Yes..."
"May I freely talk to you?"
"Of course you can."
"I've the clear feeling that Stefano and my son Karl are falling in love with each other. Do you know anything about it?"
"Oh my God, what can I tell him", I asked myself.
Then I said, "I know that Stefano would never do you wrong. He is very fond of you, and he is a loyal and serious boy."
"I never had any doubt about that. But as you say, he is very fond of me, but he isn't in love with me, am I right?"
"I am sure he is really fond of you."
"Marco, being fond and being in love are two different things, aren't they? I've the feeling you know what I'm talking about, but you don't want to compromise yourself. But Ineed to understand how things really are. It is important for me, so that I can avoid making any mistakes. If you know anything, you don't have to worry about telling me how really things are."
"Why didn't you talk about it with Stefano or with Karl?"
"Because I'm afraid I could be wrong. If I am wrong, it would not only put them ill at ease but even offend them. Neither achieving anything. I love Stefano, and of course also my son. I don't want to raise problems for either of them, believe me. Tell me what you know, please. Help me."
I felt he was sincere and, hoping not to take a wrong step, I told him, "Kurt, in these few days Stefano hasn't told me anything about this problem. I don't know if it's because it doesn't exist, or if he is just waiting for the right moment. But I can tell you something. Some time ago Stefano wrote to me telling me that he felt attracted to Karl, and Karl to him. He wrote that he did all he could to avoid Karl, to discourage him and not let him to have hopes, because he didn't want to do any wrong by you, he didn't want to stab you in the back, to use his words. In fact Stefano admires you very much and likes you a lot. He also wrote that the more he tried to keep distance from Karl, the more he felt that Karl was trying to be close to him. This is all I know about the matter. Stefano will never do you wrong."
"I see. But if Stefano is in love with my son... he cannot just try to ignore this sentiment, don't you agree?"
"A person can try not to surrender to his own feelings, and he can also succeed in doing so, I think."
"Yes, but at what price? Suffering, of course."
"I don't know. But it is evident that Stefano made his choice, according what his conscience told him to be right, he choose to be with you."
"Yes, I agree, but I don't know if he has really made the right choice. Not for me, nor for himself and not for Karl."
"It could be as you say, but I think it would be better if you were to clear this matter amongst you three. It could be that Stefano is not in love with Karl, but just attracted. Or it could be Karl not in love with him but just attracted. Or heavens know what else. It is worthless to try and guess, to imagine... Don't you think?"
"I don't know if I would be able to face both of them. Would you accept to be present if I tried?"
"Don't you think that my presence would embarrass Karl or even Stefano?"
"It could be, but it could instead help us to better understand the situation. You are an impartial observer, but not an alien."
"We can try, but with the proviso that if I feel that my presence is useless or not appreciated, I can leave."
"Alright. Thank you Marco. Please, don't tell the others until I've gathered all of you."
"Can I ask you also, please, not to tell Stefano I spoke to you about his letter. I would prefer to tell him afterwards."
The following day after lunch, Kurt proposed we all go to the gazebo at the park borders to have our coffee and have a chat. After the waiter served the coffees and left, Kurt at once faced the problem.
"Karl and Stefano, I need to talk you about an important matter. I would like Marco to stay here with us, because I know he loves Stefano and I consider him a good friend. Without beating around the bush, for some time since I feel that you, Karl, fell or are falling in love with Stefano. Am I wrong?"
"Dad... I know that Stefano is your lover... I'm trying not to interfere between you two."
"Alright, but... are you or aren't you in love with him?"
"I'm sorry, Dad, but... I'm afraid I am."
Kurt seemed to be very calm, Karl embarrassed, Stefano confused.
Karl went on to say, "But, Dad, there has been absolutely nothing between Stefano and me, not even just on a talk level. I think that Stefano became aware about what I'm feeling for him and... in one way or another he is avoiding me, keeping his distance. I think he is trying to make me understand he is not interested in me."
Then Kurt addressed Stefano. "And you, what do you feel for Karl?"
Stefano gulped air several times, then said, "I tried with all my means to look at him just as a friend, or an elder brother but... but it's becoming more and more difficult for me."
"Therefore, you too are in love with him."
"I don't want... I wouldn't... I did all I could to avoid him, as soon I became aware that... I... I don't want to do you harm, Kurt, you don't deserve it. I know that you love me, and..."
"But you have never been in love with me, am I right? After all I always knew it."
"Kurt, I'm faithful to you..."
"I trust you, but the time has possibly come for me to stop deceiving myself that you can sooner or later fall in love with me. It could be right that we stop the relationship between me and you, Stefano. Don't you agree?"
"Do you want me to leave? Yes, it possibly would be the right thing to do. I would never have interfered between you and Karl, believe me. I will go back to Italy with Marco. It will be the wisest thing to do."
"But in doing so, Stefano, I would lose you, and Karl would lose you. What kind of solution would that be for any of us? For none of us. I would rather you remain here."
"If you want me to remain, I will do so, and I swear I will be faithful to you."
"And you will go on feeling love for Karl..."
"It could stop..."
Silence.
After a while Kurt asked, "Karl, what's your opinion?"
"Dad, the problem is me. So then... it should be me that has to leave, to live my life elsewhere and leave you go on in your life..."
"It seem that here everybody sees run away from the problem is the only solution. In life you get nothing from just running away. I have never run away from a problem. If I had, I would not have become what I am, I would never have got the success I now enjoy."
Stefano said, "I... I could not accept being a lover to both you and Karl. I would not be able, I know that. As I have to make a choice, I choose you, Kurt, because I am extremelyfond of you. Yes, you are right, I am not in love with you but... but I can possibly fall in love with you, if you just give me some time, and I will stop being in love with Karl. I don't know, I'm feeling very confused. I'll let you make the decision, Kurt. Tell me what you want me to do, what will be better for you."
"Stefano, I really love you, and I will always love you too Karl, you know that. I think that, if anyone has to step back here, but not run away, that someone has to be me. I am no hero. I don't have a vocation for martyrdom. I keep my feet on the ground and I'm always the realist. The reality is that you two are in love, regardless of whether you like it or not. It is because I love both of you that I can tell you not to worry about me. You have to live your life, now. What do you think, Marco? I would like to know your opinion."
"Kurt, I admire you very much. Yours is a real love gesture. At the same time, the reality is that Karl and Stefano have never had a chance to verify the fact if theirs is really love or just a reciprocal attraction. If I am not wrong, this is the first time they have told anyone they are in love with each other. How can they possibly make the right choice in this situation? They would possibly need some time to understand how much they really need each other. It would possibly be good to let them have the time to freely communicate, to know each other better under this circumstance.
"What none of you three lack is the mutual affection, respect, and your honesty. I can understand that it would be easier to decide now, to see where to cleave and where to bind. But it would possibly not be wise before each of you really understand what he feels. Why then, for instance, don't Stefano and Karl come to Italy with me to really understand what they feel towards each other? After all the solution to the problem is in Stefano's hands. Give him the time to see inside himself and see which is the choice he has to make. Whatever the choice will be, the other one will have the courage to step back and respect Stefano's choice. This is how I see this matter."
Kurt nodded several times, then said, "Yes, I think it is fair. I will wait and will accept any thing Stefano decides. I think it is a good idea that the two boys can peacefully confront themselves about their sentiments in a... a neutral place. Your home in Italy is surely that ideal place. What do you think, Karl? And you, Stefano?"
"Dad, you know I love you, don't you? When you divorced Mum, I decided to stay here with you. It was not only because I could live my sexual life with contentment, which you know about, but also because I've always felt a great admiration for you. I'm sorry I created this problem for you Dad, but I would be very grateful if I have the opportunity to verify with Stefano what I really feel for him and he for me. I thank you, Dad, for giving me this opportunity. I really do love you very much."
"Kurt, I would not like to cause you any grief. What I feel for you is not only gratitude for having offered me a life full of comfort, of attentions and also of responsibilities, but I really nourish a deep affection towards you. It is true that I feel fascination towards your son Karl, I feel attracted to him and I think I love him. Yes, I think I do, but Marco is right, I never could, nor ever wanted to confirm if what I am feeling for Karl is just the fruit of my imagination or something real, concrete. That is why I have always tried to hide these feelings. If you agree, I would like to spend some time with Karl, at Marco's home. I just... I just don't want you to suffer..."
"No, don't worry. Of course I would regret losing you, but I would suffer much more keeping you tied to me, knowing that your happiness would be in living together. I would do harm to the two persons I love most in this world and thus also to myself."
So I went back to Italy together with Karl and Stefano.
But before leaving, I tightly embraced Kurt and told him, "You are a really exceptional man. I wish for you that, be it with Stefano or be it with somebody else, you can find the companion you deserve."
"Thank you Marco, and let me say that I feel now that you became part of my family. Please, watch over Stefano so that he can be patient and make the right decision, right for the three of us. Stay near him, he will need you now that all the responsibility is on his shoulders."
Stefano and Karl talked very much between them and with me as well, and they realized that they really are in love with each other. At my home they slept together. I let them use my king size bed while I went to sleep on the sofa bed in the living room.
But I know that, with a common agreement, they never made love, because they wanted to settle first their feelings towards Kurt. As they both confessed me, first one then the other, it has not been easy sleeping together, feeling one the other's desire and not being able to make love, but I think that the sacrifice they imposed on themselves allowed them to better understand the intensity and the truth of their feelings and not to mistake sexual desire for real love.
They went back to Kurt. Now Stefano is Karl's lover. Kurt wanted Stefano to relinquish his position as his secretary in favour of Karl and gave him some stocks in their industries, and thus a place of responsibility at Karl's side.
When Kurt wrote to me about his decision, I felt spontaneous in answering him. Within the letter, amongst other things, I wrote "Than you. Thank you for allowing me to verify with my hand that fairy tales still exist. Thank you for being an exceptional person, one who makes this world more beautiful."
School resumed, and contrary to my fears, I got Matteo's place again, not as temporary teacher but as teacher with a renewable appointment (or charged teacher). In fact, when I was summoned at the Regional Education office to choose my first school as a charged teacher, none other of the candidates who were eligible, chose Matteo's place at our High School. I could be silly, but I have an explanation for this; it has been Matteo from heaven.
The students are glad. I'm happy. Madam the Dean said that although she thought I couldn't get the place, was glad too. Unless a permanent teacher asks to teach in my school next year, this place will be mine again.
I saw Luca again in the 2F. That boy, besides being really handsome, is very smart. I honestly like him very much. I have to exert strong self-control to treat him like all his companions, but I know I can succeed.
In April, he along with his fellow students from second classes went to the school trip and I with my 2F, when something happened that made an impression on me.
This year, instead of doing the trip using the train, we hired two Grand Tourism buses. We were travelling towards Perugia, this year's destination. We were singing, jesting and playing. At a certain point Gigi challenged me to re-assemble a wooden puzzle. Half of my 2F gathered near my seat to see how I managed to solve the problem. I had all the puzzle pieces on my overnight case, flat on my legs.
I was absorbed in analysing the various wood pieces when I suddenly and clearly perceived an erection pushing against my shoulder. Amazed, I raised my eyes and saw Luca blushing like a beetroot. Before his companions could follow the direction of my glance and see Luca's blushing face, I again applied myself to analysing the pieces and distracted them with a witticism. I felt Luca's erection for just a second more, then nothing. I would have liked to turn and look, but I acted as if nothing happened. I recalled that exactly the same thing happened between Matteo and I and felt set on fire, and got incredibly aroused.
I thought, "My god. Luca... I like Luca and not only physically. Is it starting all over again, just like it did with Matteo and me"? Or was it just a stupid, superficial showing off? I managed, with difficulty, to apply myself again to solving the wooden puzzle. Because now another kind of puzzle was in my brain, I really don't know how I managed to re-assemble the puzzle. I gave it back to Gigi and the crowd around me thinned out. With a casual air I stood up and looked for Luca. He was sitting near the window and was looking outside. I smiled. I didn't blush when Matteo looked at me in amazement. Matteo told me, years later, that it had been that accident that allowed him to understand that he too was in love with me.
Sitting back in my place, I pretended to be engrossed in reading a book so that I could reflect upon the accident. Goodness! Was I too falling in love with Luca? I analysed my feelings for Luca, what happened between us previously... admiration, both physical and not physical... difficulty in treating him like the others, that is, not better...the pleasure of looking at him, thinking of him. And now, for the first time, a clear physical response, a clear desire and a reaction to that desire. Would everything go on again as it did with Matteo? I liked that thought... and how much! But, exactly as it happened with Matteo, there ought not, could not be, anything between Luca and me, at least until he graduated from High School... still one and half years away. Would we be able to wait all that time, but above all, was Luca in love with me, or was it just infatuation? Was I running too far with my fantasy?
After that, Luca was avoiding me. When we got at the hotel in Perugia, and after we settled in our rooms, we still had some time before supper. So I went downstairs to the hall, then outside in the garden. Luca was there, leaning out the belvedere, alone, looking over the landscape and at the sunset. I drew near him.
Without putting my arm on his shoulders (how I was tempted to do that), I said, "So then, Luca? Would you please explain me?"
"Forgive me, Marco. Don't think evil of me, please, I didn't do it on purpose, I swear!" he answered and it was evident he was struggling to keep back his tears.
"Oh, really? Let me understand, then."
"I was there like all the others, looking at you and my mates at my back were pushing to see better and... and I felt the warmth of your shoulder and before I could be aware... I got a hard-on, I got aroused. As I became aware, you at once became aware too and I pushed back, but too late... Christ! I didn't do it on purpose, I swear!"
"I believe you, but... how came that just touching me aroused you so? I didn't think I had such an effect on you..."
"I... you... I like you, Marco."
"Do you mean you would like having sex with me?"
"Yes, but... more than that. I mean... If I met you elsewhere... I think I would have tried to hook you... to court you..." Luca said and he again violently blushed.
"If... if we met elsewhere... I think it would have been me that courted you."
"Eh? What? Are you serious?"
"Yes, Luca, I am really serious. But, you see, I'm of the conviction that a teacher should not, has not the right to have a sexual relationship with one of his students, for any reason at the world, and even less a love relationship."
"I know. That is what Leo told me about Matteo and you."
"Yes, about Matteo and me. Do you know that between me and Matteo it happened more or less in a similar fashion, like between you and me?"
"Are you serious?"
"Yes, I am. The only difference is that when Matteo looked at me in surprise, as I did today with you... I didn't blush."
"I felt like collapsing."
"Yes, I understand, Luca. Now I need to tell you something, and after that I don't want to resume this subject. Do you agree?"
"Yes..."
"As soon as I realised that it was you, I immediately got aroused. That contact surprised me, but also pleased me very much. Don't make that astounded expression! You are a handsome boy, I feel you are really beautiful. And you are also intelligent, sensitive, good hearted, clever. I like you, in a word. Now, for both of us, this may be just the symptom a physical desire and nothing more. After all we both are gay, we both like our same sex, I like you, and you evidently, like me.
"If it is nothing but physical desire, as we both are people with our head on our shoulders, we will be able to control it, not giving each other too much room to create problems. But it could be something deeper, the beginning of falling in love... of a love. If this is the case, we have some sixteen or eighteen months to master it. If our sentiment remain alive for that time... Matteo and I became lovers after a period of hidden, secret love, a period of about one and half year."
"Do you mean that... that if our was love... after my graduation you would like to try to... to start a... a relationship with me?"
"Yes, and more than willingly."
"I... I believe that mine is love. I don't know, I never fell in love before. But... just the thought to become yours... to be able to make you happy... makes me feel happy."
"Yes, it looks like being love. I too am feeling something like that for you, do you know?"
"So then... I can hope that in just a little more than one year..."
"Of course you can hope, Luca. But you understand that... that mean while we have to never again talk about it. We should do our best to maintain the normal relationship of teacher and student? Can you understand that I will have to give you a bad mark if you deserve it and without tantrums? If you get a bad mark, then you will have deserved it."
"Of course. As well as a good mark if I deserve it too, not because I am Luca, but because I deserve it."
"Exactly! But it will not be easy for either of us. Do you understand"?
"Yes, I understand it perfectly well".
"As we are feeling attracted to each other, we will need to keep some distance, Do you understand that as well"?
"Of course, I understand that too."
"And, doesn't it scare you"?
"No, because I... I value you dearly. Really! Anyway... put me to the test and if I do something wrong, just put me back at my place."
"But what if I did something wrong Luca? I'm a human being, after all. What if it was me who's doing something wrong?"
"I hope to be able to... to put you back at your place. I hope that it will be love that will give us this strength. God, how happy I am!"
"So then, as we agreed, we will never again speak of this matter, is it alright"?
"Sure, until after my graduation. But before... I want to thank you for having been so honest with me. You really are an extraordinary man. Thank you, Marco."
All the way through this conversation my heart was drumming. I was feeling an irresistible desire to embrace him, to kiss him, to tell him "To hell everything, everyone... be my lover"!
Luca is behaving perfectly. He is merry and lively even more than before, and I know why, and he knows why. He is behaving naturally with me, without being always glued to me, but also without avoiding me. Because he controls himself, I admire him all the more. I feel I am more and more in love with him. It is not so difficult being fair with him, as he is a really good student. The only one exception to the rules we agreed upon that he allowed himself, happened during the last vacations. He sent me a postcard at school on which he wrote, "Just eleven more months to my graduation!!!"
As Leo knows Luca well, I thought wise to tell him everything. So I told him what happened during our trip to Perugia and the agreement we made.
Leo smiled and said, "I was asking myself when and how it would happen..."
"What?"
"That you two became aware of being in love with each other. It has been a long while since I started having this feeling and just hearing what both sides said me... Do you want to know what I think? I picture you two together. Of course it is not yet certain, but I think you have been right telling Luca that you have to wait until after his graduation. For two reasons, one, because he will be of age, and the other because I too think that a relationship between a teacher and his pupil would alter the educational relationship. However, I really do see you two fitting as hand in glove."
"But would I be to Luca what Matteo has been to me?"
"No, of course not! You will be Marco to him. Luca fell in love with Marco, never forget it. And he will be Luca to you. This is the good part of life."
"I have been struck by the fact that the sparks shot between us are exactly the same as the sparks shot between Matteo and me."
"If a spark shot, it means that before that there has been a... an energy accumulation. How it happened is similar, not the same, as you are two different people. Anyway, there is a parallel. Do you know what I think? It is the wheel of life. It did a evolution, a revolution of the wheel and now another is starting... It never stops."
"Are you meaning that..."
"No way, silly man! I hope you can live together until old age, of course. You know, I know this Luca rather well because he often comes to talk openly with me. I think that just after his graduation results, you will find him at your door telling you, - I love you more and more. Do you want me?"
"I count on it. Just a while ago I thought that in Luca there is part of you and part of Tony... but a lot of Luca."
"Is it a compliment towards us?"
"Who knows... it is possibly a compliment towards Luca. That boy really conquered me."
"And you conquered him. I am really happy for both of you. I just ask myself how much weight will be upon you two waiting all those months. At least, you didn't know that Matteo was in love with you. In a sense, it has been easier for you."
"It will be heavy going of course, but it will make us stronger. Ah, Leo, how I'd like to close my eyes and only open them again the day after Luca's graduation."
"You will now feel that the wait is a long one, but afterwards, you will feel as if they have flown, don't worry."
Of course he is right. Meanwhile I am happy being in love with Luca and he being in love with me.
Could it be that there is Matteo's hand in it again?
CONTINUES IN CHAPTER 15
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